Love Bitten (2016)

[bunniefuu]

♪ Wrinkles in your nose ♪

♪ Blue teeth from the cheap wine ♪

♪ You're the only one ♪

- Thank you.

- What for?

- For the time we've had together.

- Oh, yeah, no, it was fun.

Like, you've been lovely, genuinely.

- [Alex Voiceover] I
have been f*cking lovely.

- But like, you know, Alex,

it's not you.

- I got you--
(Lizzy gasps)

Oh, oh my.
- Ah.

- I'm so sorry, I must--
- No, it's fine.

- [Alex Voiceover] That
felt f*cking amazing.

God, I should've done that on purpose.

- Sorry, that wasn't meant
to be malicious or anything.

- No, I know.

- I got your toothbrush.

- Thanks.

- [Alex Voiceover] I
should've rubbed it in sh*t.

Oh God, I am a terrible human being.

What am I doing with my life?

I could be a villain.

(ominous organ music)

I'm gonna become a vampire. (guitar strums)
- Right.

Didn't you have to get bitten?

- I'm love bitten, Dave.

I don't wanna k*ll for no reason,

you know what I mean, I just,

(guitar strumming)

I want purpose.

My friend once wrote this screenplay

about a teenage boy who was
looking for his purpose.

- Did he find it?

- Find what?

- His purpose.

- Oh, no, no, just ended with him
walking into the ocean and

having a wank.

- Whatever floats your boat.

- No, semen doesn't float, Dave.

Semen doesn't float.

- In all seriousness, mate,

how're you actually planning
on becoming a vampire?

- The Dark Net.
♪ I could build you roads ♪

♪ If you'd travel by my side ♪

- [Alex Voiceover] Yeah,
here we f*cking go,

time to fulfill my destiny.

♪ Against mine ♪

♪ Wrinkles in your nose ♪

♪ Blue teeth from the cheap wine ♪

♪ You're the only one ♪
(object moans)

♪ Who can open up my eyes mm mm ♪

- [Alex Voiceover] Yeah, right.

(sighs)

(rooster crows)

Step one, swallow pills.

Step two, become a vampire.

(dramatic music)

(moves into ominous organ music)

(door creaks slowly)

(door creaks)

(gentle piano music)

- Alex?

What are you doing?

("Ava Maria")
- Yeah.

Turns out being a vampire's
kind of stressful,

so I've decided to get some weed.

- Why are you, why aren't
you wearing any clothes?

- 'Cause it's mortals' day.

- Look, this is really weird.

- Look, look, I've decided
who I'm gonna hunt.

- [Dave] What?

- Dave, I've decided who I'm gonna hunt for blood.
- Right, what, who?

- White van drivers.

- Alex, why are you going
to hunt white van drivers?

- Because they think they
f*cking own the roads, man,

and trust me, Dave,
there's really absolutely

not that many people in
the world that I hate,

but those guys, f*cking white van drivers,

they are the biggest f*cking,

I, I can't even think
of a word for them to,

that is literally how
much I hate them, Dave.

They don't give a f*ck if they cut you up
or they scratch your car.

What's wrong with scratching
a white transit van, hmm?

Be for ordinary people, Dave.

You know, you, me,

or, what I was.

Innocent people, Dave.

We have to pay a crazy
premium on our insurance.

f*ck white van drivers.

I need a cape.
- And some clothes.

Alex, I, I didn't think you
were actually being serious.

- I need something vampiric and agile.

- Alex, you got a f*cking erection.

- Yeah.
(suspenseful music)

- f*cking white van.

(ominous organ music)

- For just, (clears throat)
for, for, for justice.

For justice.

(Alex growls and grunts)

(Alex breathes heavily)

(driver whimpers)

- [Driver] My f*ck.

(suspenseful music)

- (moans) Oh, oh, oh.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
(breathing heavily) are you g*y?

- What?

- I just, I didn't know if you wanted to

go on a date or something?

Instead of you k*lling me?

- Um, uh, um, yeah, I'm not g*y, so.

- Have you tried?

- Mate, being g*y isn't a choice.
- No, no, no, I know.

It's just something within you

that you might not realize was even there.

- I didn't think white
van drivers were g*y.

- White van drivers are
normal people, you know.

And I wasn't even driving.

(suspenseful music)

(moves to lively music)
♪ I love your chain ♪

♪ You say to me ♪

- So yeah, it's not everyone's idea

of a perfect rebound,

but I guess it did get
my heart going again.

I, I, I can't do this.

- Oh.
- I can't do this.

So yeah, I leap in the van,

and I k*ll the driver.

And there's this other guy there,

and we get talking, and um,

Um, I f*cked him.

- You...

- Up, I f*cked him up, pff, big time.

(laughs sardonically) There
was, there was a lot of blood.

Uh, um, but I think what
I'm trying to g*n towards,

why I invited you here, Lizzy, is,

so I've got a lot of my own
sh*t that I've got to deal with

at the moment. - Alex-- - And
this whole vampire thing, I mean,

it's a crowd splitter, I'll be honest.

I mean, Dave doesn't like it,

but you never really liked
Dave anyway, did you?

So, I mean, if you're on board,

it'd be kind of like me and you

versus Dave in a weird sort of,

no, no, no, what, I think
what I'm trying to say,

Lizzie, is I wouldn't blame you

if you, you know, wanted
to change your mind,

about us,

getting back together.

- Alex, you k*lled a guy.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah I did.

- And you thought that
would impress me, genuinely.

- Well, I.

Oh, the f*cking hot.
- Yes, Alex, it is f*cking hot.

Who the f*ck are you, Alex?

- I'm trying to think about

what I've learned from all of this.

The answer is probably nothing.

(gentle guitar music)

Although now Lizzie hates
me it's easier to move on.

It's funny how things work out like that.

(brief suspenseful music)

(sighs)
(gentle guitar music)

This is it.

My massive chance of a purposeful ending,

to this chapter in my life, anyway.

♪ We will not lift a hook ♪

♪ I mean that children ♪

♪ This will be our story to tell ♪

♪ Be sure to live a bit every minute ♪ ♪
Because fools deserve that destiny as well ♪

(dramatic music)