Love Potion No. 9 (1992)

[bunniefuu]

♪ I took my troubles
down to Madame Ruth ♪

♪ You know, that Gypsy
with the gold-capped tooth ♪

♪ She's got a pad
on 34th and Vine ♪

♪ Sellin' little bottles of ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ I told her that I was
a flop with chicks ♪

♪ I've been this way
since 1956 ♪

♪ She looked at my palm ♪

♪ And she made a magic sign ♪

♪ She said, What you need is ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ She bent down
and turned around ♪

♪ And gave me a wink ♪

♪ She said,
I'm gonna mix it up ♪

♪ Right here in the sink ♪

♪ It smelled like turpentine ♪

♪ It looked like india ink ♪

♪ I held my nose,
I closed my eyes ♪

♪ I took a drink ♪

♪ I didn't know
if it was day or night ♪

♪ I started kissin'
everything in sight ♪

♪ But when I kissed a cop ♪

♪ At 34th and Vine ♪

♪ He broke
my little bottle of ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ I held my nose,
I closed my eyes ♪

♪ I took a drink ♪

♪ I didn't know
if it was day or night ♪

♪ I started kissin'
everything in sight ♪

♪ But when I kissed a cop ♪

♪ At 34th and Vine ♪

♪ He broke
my little bottle of ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ I held my nose,
I closed my eyes ♪

♪ I took a drink ♪

♪ I didn't know
if it was day or night ♪

♪ I started kissin'
everything in sight ♪

♪ But when I kissed a cop ♪

♪ At 34th and Vine ♪

♪ He broke
my little bottle of ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion... ♪

About once a month,

my friends and I get together

and do something different
for fun.

Sometimes we go bowling

or miniature golf

or a movie or something.

One night,

we went down
to a Gypsy palm reader

on 34th and Vine.

Let me see your palm.

You do very badly with women.

No. I... I... I...
I do all right.

No, you don't.

There are no women here.

What's this?

No women.

Are you
a boy-kissy-boy?

Excuse me?

You a h*m*?

No.

I want my sister to see this.

No, I don't.

No.

I see no women in your life

for a long, long time.

Maybe...

forever.

Well, that's
kind of depressing.

Yes, it is.

But I have something for you.

Let me see.

Number 17,

number 13.

Where the hell is it?

Ahh.

Number eight.

This is what you need.

Dilute this with water
1,000 to 1.

You don't want it
to be too strong.

You take a sip,
and you swallow.

And when you speak,

women will find you
fascinating.

I'm a biochemist.

You take this.

You'll be back.

So, tell me,
there was this woman

I saw you having lunch
with the other day.

Huh?

She's just...
just somebody I work with.

Uh-huh.

Were there any
romantic possibilities?

No.

No?

Why not?

No, you see, I'm...

She's, um, she's not my type.

Oh, she's not your type.

That was a lie.

Except for the fact
that she had

kind of a boyfriend,

Diane was exactly my type.

I'm a comparative
psychobiologist.

I put, uh, primates...

chimpanzees...
through tests.

I note the behavior
of the subject,

and I hope the results
are analogous to humans.

Do you put electrical things
in their brains?

No.

No.

But that's done, isn't it?

Yes.

Why?

You can measure
electrical activity,

or, with a minute
amount of current,

you can stimulate a feeling
or... or a thought.

You can stimulate a feeling?

Yes.

For example,

there was this experiment

where an electrode was planted

in the pleasure center
of a monkey's brain.

When the monkey hit a button,

it sent a signal
to the electrode,

in effect exciting
the monkey sexually.

You're kidding.

No.

Can you guess what happened?

Was it a male monkey?

Yes.

He slammed the button
till he died.

Oh, so, you know
this experiment.

I know men, honey.

Oh, stop.

I think she is definitely
Paul's type.

She's got that, uh...

je ne sais quoi,

that, uh...

Very sexy girl.

You should go talk to her.

Really.

You should do it.

Do it.

I don't know her.

Well, that is the point.

You go talk to her,

then you'll know her.

Well, maybe she doesn't
want to talk to anybody.

Maybe.

Maybe she does, huh?

You got to keep taking chances,

keep rolling the dice

till you find someone
who does want to talk.

Expert advice.

Go.

Go.

I'll tell you what.

I'll pay you $20
to go talk to her.

$20.Just go
talk to her.

No.

$40.

I don't want to do it.

$60.

$80.

$100?

Oh, O.K., O.K.

♪ Born to lose ♪

♪ I've lived my... ♪

He trapped me by the bathroom.

He keeps me by the bathroom.

He won't let me pass.

Can you believe it?

It's just one ugly geek
after another

in this place.

If one more of these
Radio Shack clerks...

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Uh-oh.

I don't believe this.

Can I, uh, uh,

can I buy you a drink?

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Why do you think
I'd be interested in you?

Did I look at you
or smile at you?

Did I flirt with you?

No.

Well, then what makes you
think I'd be interested?

Are you somebody special?
Is that it?

Do you do something
really fascinating?

What do you do for a living?

Uh, I'm...
I'm a biochemist.

Do I look like
a biochemist groupie?

Well, biochemists
don't have groupies.

Why do you think that is?

Well, it's not
a very glamorous job.

No, it's not one of your
drop-dead glamorous jobs.

I mean,

I'm sure that you find chemicals
very fascinating,

but do I look like somebody
who'd be interested

in a...

a... a...

a chemical person?

No. Hey, wait.

I'm doing this
for your benefit.

I mean, you wouldn't want this
to happen again,

would you?

No.

No. What's very
obvious to me

is not to you.

Look at your clothes

and then look at mine.

Do you see any kind
of a difference here?

Clothes aren't
important to you,

but they're important to me.

Taste is very important.

I like designer clothes.
I like nice things.

I drive a BMW.
What about you?

Uh, I drive a Volkswagen.

- Fahrvergnugen.
- Fahrvergnugen.

You know what that
really means?

Can't afford the Mercedes.

Well, you're right.

We're not really
suited for each other,

and, uh, so I'll just go

and get myself a chemical girl.

I'm sorry.

I was just trying
to make a point.

I tell you what.

I'll go home with you tonight

and be your total sex sl*ve...

if you can answer
one question correctly.

Ahem.

All right.

Who designed this top?

I wouldn't know.

Bye-bye, now.

You're supposed to come
to a complete stop at the sign.

Can I see your driver's license,
your registration,

your proof
of insurance, please?

Yeah.

What the hell
kind of car is this?

It's an Alta Pazzoli.

My car s-stalls

unless I keep
my... my foot on the gas,

and I was just trying to get...

I've already had
two moving violations this year,

and if I get a third,
they might cancel my insurance, so...

do you think
that maybe you could...

please make this a warning?

Is this your correct address?

Yeah.

Hello.

You have zero messages.

Hello.

You have zero messages.

Bad.

This is bad.

Bad.

Bad.

Bad.

Come here.
Come here.

Bad rice.

Bad rice.

Be quiet.

I am very serious.

So am I.

I love you so much.

I want to tell you
that I love you.

Hello.

It's all right.

You don't have to apologize.

I made 100 bucks
off of it, didn't I?

A gift?

Right now?

Well, yeah.

Well, what kind of gift?

Hi.

Ahem.

I'm Marisa.

Hey.

Gary?

Yeah.

Are you alone?

Yes, of course I'm alone.

Do you want to be?

♪ You're no good ♪

♪ Heartbreaker ♪

♪ You're a liar... ♪

♪ I don't know why ♪

♪ I let you do
these things to me ♪

Hi.

Hi.

♪ My friends keep tellin' me ♪

Oh, come on in.

♪ That you ain't no good ♪

How are you?

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ But they don't know ♪

O.K.

♪ That I've been... ♪

That's nice.

Is that a new couch?

No. I've had it
about a year.

It looks new.

Well, I keep it in good shape.

Are you still working
with your father?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What?

I...

Oh, man.

Got to go.

Did you...

put on a little weight?

Uh, can I get you something?

What do you got?

I have some terrific wines.

Do you have any, uh...

gin?

Gin?

Sure.

Gin on the rocks.

Gin on the rocks.

Um...

gin.

Tangueray, if you got it.

O.K.

Can I use your bathroom?

How'd it go?

Great.

He just wanted to talk.

Oh, you should've
seen his stereo.

I bet it's worth thousands.

Oh!

Pay attention.

Pay attention.

Number six.

I've got to talk to you.

I've got to tell you something.

About four hours later,
they started to leave.

Whatever had happened

had stopped happening.

And then,
when I was cleaning up,

I found this in some milk.

Milk.

You get it?

I mean, cats like milk.

Yeah?

Well, the Gypsy said
when you speak, right?

So, maybe it has something
to do with sound.

I mean, after all,
you scratch a blackboard,

and it drives you up the wall.

Maybe there's a sound that...

you know, drives you up
another wall.

You don't believe me?

No. I'd... I'd like
to believe you.

What do you want from me?

Now,
are... are you sure?

Are you absolutely positive?

I'm positive.

Nothing to worry about.

It's a...
It's a salt.

It's a condensed liquid salt.

You want me to take it?

No.

O.K.

Didn't sound unusual to me.

How'd it sound to you?

Well, I... I mean,
I... I wouldn't know.

Is that an unusual sound
for a chimp?

No.

That... That's Romeo.

He's trying to break
through the wall!

What's he trying to do?

He's breaking through the wall!

No, no, no. Don't.

He'll rip your arm off.

Don't. Don't.

Well, I...

Is he dead?

No.

He's asleep.

After weeks of testing,

we discovered how it works.

When swallowed, it affects
the vocal cords directly,

so when you speak,

microtremors encoded
within your voice

stimulate tiny little hairs

in the inner ear
of the opposite sex.

The vibration sends
a signal to the brain,

which, in turn,
produces a combination

of mood-altering
endogenous chemicals

responsible for
the biochemical process

of feeling in love.

We also discovered that, one...

It made members
of the same sex hostile.

Two...

It had to be diluted.

Full strength
was far too strong.

And three...

It would only work
for four hours at a time.

The next logical step
was to test it on humans,

but who?

We felt a deep
moral obligation to mankind

to make sure this
potentially dangerous drug

didn't fall into
the wrong hands,

but where could we find
test subjects we could trust?

Th-this is
scientifically unorthodox,

but...

perhaps we could
both take samples

and test it ourselves in
a real-world environment.

I mean, Diane, we're both...

prudent and... and
responsible people.

So, for the sake
of all mankind,

we divided up the remainder
of the potion

and agreed not to speak
for three weeks.

Can I see your driver's license,
your registration,

your proof of
insurance, please?

Let's just...

let this go with a warning.

Thank you.

Heh heh.

I... I get off
in... in about an hour...

and, uh...

I was... I was
wondering...

could we maybe...

have a drink?

I don't think so.

Insurance has been canceled.

"R.T. Moreno."

Hi.

Can I help you?

♪ I need a man ♪

♪ I need a man ♪

♪ I need a man ♪

♪ I need a man ♪

♪ YMCA ♪

♪ It's fun to stay at the ♪

♪ YMCA, yeah ♪

♪ They have everything... ♪

Excuse me.

Who would be
Ms. Moreno's supervisor?

♪ YMCA ♪

♪ It's fun to stay at the ♪

♪ YMCA... ♪

Uh...

♪ YMCA... ♪

That would be, um...

the district manager...

d*ck Webster.

d*ck.

Three tickets. Oh, my.

You didn't k*ll anybody,
did you?

No.

Good.

Bill... d*ck Webster.

I have a cancellation
I want reversed.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, it is
very beautiful, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Dino!

Si, signore.

Has anybody ever told you

how beautiful you are?

No.

Nobody in their right mind.

Excuse me, please.

I have met beautiful
women before...

many beautiful women...

but you...

you are the most
beautiful woman

I have ever seen in my life.

I know this sounds ridiculous,

but do you believe in
love at first sight?

Bravo!

La via!

I want you to have this.

I can't.

Please, indulge me.
Take it.

I don't feel
this way very often,

and I would like
you to have this.

Oh!

This is your car?

This is an Alta Pazzoli.

I know.

I am Enrico Pazzoli.

I own the company
that manufactures this car.

Thank you.

The governor is giving
a little party this evening.

I have nobody to accompany me.

Would you please come with me?

I... I really
don't think so.

Why? Are you married?

No, no.

You are engaged?
You have a fiance?

No, no.

A lover?
A boyfriend?

Um... no.

A girlfriend?

No!

Then, uh, your
grandmother is sick,

and you must stay with her?

She's dead.

I'm sorry.

It's O.K.
She died 20 years ago.

Then why don't you
come with me?

Buona sera.

Is something wrong?

You're wearing a tuxedo.

Oh, of course.

The party's a formal affair.

Didn't I tell you?

No.

Ohh...
I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

But we have plenty of time.

Please, put on a gown.

I will be happy to wait.

I don't own a gown.

Royalty usually arrives
after the guests.

However, Prince Geoffrey didn't
want to miss meeting any of the girls.

It is all right.

Don't be afraid.

You look, uh...

meravigliosa.

And in the alpha males,
seratonin receptor levels

were found to be
up-regulated,

and cetohybridization has shown

that they will co-localize
with dopamine.

- Well! - Hmm!
- Oh!

What's the difference between
ignorance and indifference?

I don't know, and I don't care.

Enrico, thank you.

Good night.

Oh, my God.

Oh...

Hello.
You have 67 messages.

♪ All my friends
know the low rider... ♪

Fahrvergnugen.

♪ The low rider ♪

♪ Is a little higher ♪

Hi.

My name's Cheryl.

Aren't you going to
tell me your name?

Paul.

Why are you looking
at me like that?

I'm just curious to
what you're thinking.

I'm not going to tell you.

♪ The low rider ♪

I prefer to be
a bit mysterious.

Oh.

Do you like mysterious girls?

No.

Oh.

What kind of girls do you like?

Honest and direct.

I don't like mystery.

Oh, I... I was just kidding
about the mystery part.

Oh, yeah.

I can be direct.

I can be very direct.

♪ The low rider... ♪

Yeah.

In fact, I can be so direct,

it would scare you.

Are you scared?

Nope.

Oh, God.

Oh, this is great.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

O.K., O.K.

Is that direct enough for you?

Yeah, yeah.

That was excellent,
excellent directness.

So why don't we just
get out of here?

We can go back to my place.

O.K.

O.K. I-I'll
go home with you.

I'll go home with you,

and I'll be everything
you've ever wanted in a man

if...

you can answer one
question correctly.

What?

How do you synthesize
a methylated alkaloid?

I don't know.

Bye, now.

Yes.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Whoo!

It was late,
but the bars were open,

and I still felt the urge

to continue with my research.

It was 100% effective.

No matter what they were doing

or whoever they were with,

they wanted you!

You were the one they were
looking for their entire lives.

You were funny, intelligent,

but above all,
you were very, very sexy.

It worked,
and it worked miracles.

It absolutely eliminated
any fear that they

wouldn't like you or that
you weren't good enough.

Instead of taking years of painfully
coming to grips with reality,

you change reality.

Reality comes to you.

You didn't have to be
good-looking,

well-dressed, or rich.

It didn't matter.

You just had to speak.

So...

how do you like those pretzels?

And you didn't have to
be funny, intelligent,

or insightful.

It didn't matter what you said.

Content had nothing
to do with it.

So...

you like those radials?

They say that power corrupts,

and absolute power
corrupts absolutely.

Well...

they're right.

They also say that
the path of excess

leads to the palace of wisdom.

My palace of wisdom

was the Sigma Delta Pi
Sorority House.

I learned a lot that night.

I learned a lot about myself.

I learned a lot about women.

I also learned about
an obscure panty raid law

which prohibits men
to be in a sorority house

after 9 p.m.

How's it going?

Can I help you?

No. I'm here
to see a friend.

And who is that?

Diane Farrow.

I'm sorry, but Miss Farrow

isn't expecting company.

Oh, I'm just dropping by.

I'm sorry.

Listen, why don't
you go tell her

that Gary Logan is here?

All right.

Stan, there's a
Gary Logan out here

to see Miss Farrow.

I'm sorry.

You're kidding.

No.
She has company.

Oh.

Who is that guy?

Prince Geoffrey.

Prince?

Prince of what?

England.

Unbelievable.

Ahem.

Is, uh...

Thank you.

Right through here?

Diane?

Wow!

- Bye!
- Bye, Diane!

Jesus Christ,
you... you look great!

What did you do?

You got a haircut?

Well, that is a great haircut.

You got your teeth fixed.

Oh, you're on the potion!

You're on the po...

So, uh...

nice... nice clothes.

Did you buy those?

Really?

Ah. Having fun, huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

"What were you doing

in the sorority?"

Uh...

what was I doing
in the sorority?

Ha ha ha ha ha...

Oh, no.

I... I was, um...

I was, uh...

I can't tell you.
I'm sorry. I can't.

I was doing research.

I... I was.

What?

What?

What?

Oh, you're kidding.

Heh. Uh... heh heh.

Uh... ahem.

All right,
all right, all right.

Can you keep a secret?

So can I.

I'm sorry.
I... I just...

Oh, look, that is not fair,

because you're on the potion.

You can't talk.

How do I know you
haven't been doing

some unspeakably sordid things?

What?

You're kidding.

What are you,

dating the president?

Who's in there?

You look familiar.

Uh, I'm the prince of England.

Ow.

Oh.

Paul, we're going to
a charity arts auction tonight.

Would you like to come?

You're not speaking.

Why aren't you speaking?

You notice Diane
isn't speaking?

Oh! You're playing the mute game
again, aren't you?

Yes, you are!

She's playing
the mute game again.

Really?

So, you are coming
to the party.

Tell him to come to the party.

That's mute for,

"you must come."

Oh, uh...
you have a tux?

Your highness,
how wonderful to see you.

Jane Childs from
the arts council.

Miss Childs,
so nice to see you.

These are my friends
Paul and Diane.

How do you do?

This is one of our
new South American sculptors.

He's going to be
having a one-man show here.

Thanks.

Uh, shall we go?

Coming, Paul?

No? All right, then.

Have you met
our mayor Mr. Cox?

No, I haven't had the pleasure.

Plaster cast mold,

and then it was done
in the lost wax method,

which is why it's so
anatomically correct.

Excuse me, Your Highness.

He's awfully good
with the ladies.

A 2. Oh, deuces are wild.
I got the 2.

Uh, the 3 is yours.

Uh... the king is for me.

Here's a 4.

4 and, um...

I'm sorry.
We can't do this.

Could I talk to you?

Uh, would you excuse me
for a minute?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the auction is about to begin.

Please join us at the forum.

Prince Geoffrey
may be turning in

his wicked, wicked ways

for American monkey
psychiatrist Diane Farrow.

Miss Farrow, who
as a comparative psychobiologist

has had considerable
experience taming wild beasts,

has tamed the untamable
king of the jungle

Prince Geoffrey of York.

As far as Buckingham Palace
is concerned,

sources tell us
the queen mum is staying mum

until she gets to meet
the pretty American psychologist.

Hi.

Hi.

Guess what.

What?

Geoffrey proposed
to me last night.

W-W-W-What'd
you tell him?

I told him I would
think about it.

Think about it.

W-Why'd you
tell him that?

You know...

all my life,

I've felt...

ugly.

And now I have
the world's most desirable man

telling me that I am beautiful.

I have the prince of England
at home pining for me.

This is a dream come true.

I could be a princess.

You're disturbed.

W-What causes this?

Well, I haven't had
a date in four years.

What?

Uh, well, your... your...
the joke about the date.

Well, what about it?

Well, Diane...
we had a date.

We had a date?

Yeah. Remember?

No, I don't.

The lunch...
we went out to lunch.

That was a date?

Yeah.

I thought a date was when
you went to somebody's house

and you picked them up

and you took them out
to dinner.

Well, that is
a conventional date,

but you... you don't
have to do that.

Gosh, I'm sorry.

I had no idea that
that was a date.

Was there a second date
that I'm not aware of?

No. Because you said you
had kind of a boyfriend.

Oh.

Well, he's not a boyfriend.

No?

No.

Are you hungry?

Yeah.

Do you want to go out
and get something to eat?

You know, I'll drive
to your house,

and I'll pick you up and...

talk to your father.

So this is a date?

This is definitely a date.

O.K.

And then something
magical happened.

For the first time in my life,

I felt something perfect.

Once you feel that feeling,
that perfect feeling,

you want it to last forever,

but since love
comes with no guarantee,

you do what you can do,

and the only thing you can do

is get married.

So you plan
your moment carefully,

making it as enticing
and romantic as possible.

And if they accept, you marry

and cross your fingers
and hope it lasts.

I couldn't wait to spend
the rest of my life with Diane.

I booked this great old
bed and breakfast

on a bluff
overlooking the ocean.

We'd go out
and watch the sunset...

♪ Pain in my heart ♪

Diane?

♪ You're treating me cold ♪

Uh...

♪ Where can my baby be? ♪

Where are you?

♪ Lord, no one knows ♪

♪ Pain in my heart ♪

♪ Just won't let me sleep ♪

♪ Where can my baby be? ♪

♪ Lord, where can she be? ♪

♪ I began to get tough ♪

Hello?

♪ I said I want you
to come back... ♪

No. You've got
a wrong number.

♪ Come back, come back, baby ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ A little pain in my heart ♪

Hello?

Diane, what happened to you?
Where are you?

Hi.

Hi.

Where have you been?

Huh?

Paul...

so much has happened.

So much.

Tell me.

Well, um...

last week...

something happened between us.

Uh-huh.

Well, we became...

friends.

Friends?

Yeah, I mean...

it's important, isn't it,
to be... friends?

Well, yeah, but, uh,
I mean, uh...

I thought we became
more than friends.

There's something
I think I should tell you.

I've been seeing someone...

off and on for about,
um, 10 years,

and... and there
were problems.

I mean, it never, never
really worked out,

but all of a sudden,
it's like he's come around.

He's changed.

It's like a dream
come true for me.

It's great.

Gary...

um, Gary, this is Paul.

Paul, this is Gary.

Paul...

Paul, please, don't be upset.

We can still be
friends, can't we?

At first I was a mess,

and then things just got worse.

I couldn't eat.

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't do anything
but think of Diane.

I had no choice.
I had to get her back.

I did what everybody does

when they're in love
with somebody

who's in love
with somebody else...

You pretend you're willing
to be just friends,

but really you're out to sabotage
their relationship.

I'd gently steer Diane into
the morass of Gary's many faults.

Since I didn't know Gary,

I had to find out what
exactly these faults were.

So how's it with, uh, Gary?

Gary's great.

He's a handsome guy.

You think so?

He looks great in a towel, too.

He could be a big towel model.

What's he like?

I didn't really get
a chance to meet him.

Well, um...

can you imagine feeling
something with someone

that just feels...
perfect?

Yeah.

That's how I would
describe Gary.

He's just... perfect.

Perfect?

Wow... perfect.

Besides perfect,
w-what is he like?

Well, he's, uh...

he's kind of a perfectionist.

So... So he's perfect,
and he's a perfectionist.

So, yeah.

I mean...
but what does that mean?

He's punctual?

Well, he's, um...

Oh, he's very resolute.

He wants to do
what he wants to do.

Is that good?

Do you like that about him?

Usually.

Not always?

Well, it...

Sometimes he just
likes to do things

that I... I really
don't like to do.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Hello?

Hi.

Oh, I was just talking to Paul.

Gary, we're just friends.

Gary, I...

O.K.

O.K.

I love you.

All right.

I love you.

O.K. Bye.

Gary doesn't want me
talking to you anymore.

Diane, what do you want?

I don't want to lose him.

I love him.

Sorry.

This plan was clearly
not going to work.

Gary's influence
over Diane was too powerful.

She'd do anything
to make him happy.

It was like she'd joined
some kind of cult.

I went from feeling I'd be
in love with Diane forever

to wondering if I'd ever fall
in love with anyone again.

I would.

Oh, hi.

Hi. I was
in the area.

I thought I'd stop
by and say hello.

Oh, that was very nice of you.

Uh... do you
want to come in?

O.K.

Can I use your bathroom?

So, uh...
what is it you do again?

Accountant or something?

There we go.

So is that everything?

Yeah, this is the whole thing.

Cables?

The cables are in with
the instruction books.

Good job, buddy.

You're coming right
back, right?

You bet.

O.K. Bye-bye.

I gave her anything I had
of value,

including all the love potion.

I tried explaining how it
affects the pharyngeals,

but this was clearly
a woman more interested

in fiduciary gain
than in science.

Great girl.

For four hours, I could
think of nothing but Marisa...

Beautiful, intelligent,
all-around wonderful gal Marisa.

Then four hours later...

I could've strangled her.

I couldn't believe
how powerful an influence

the potion had over me.

I would've done anything
to make Marisa happy.

It was like I had joined
some kind of cult.

You sold all of it,
the whole bottle?

Yes.

The person who bought this,
what did they look like?

Tall, very handsome,
dark eyes, dark hair.

Did he wear a ring?

Yes.

A gold snake with
rubies for eyes.

Hello?

Diane, I just got back
from Madame Ruth's.

Gary is using
the potion on you.

I'm in love with him.

No, you're not.
Go away for four hours

and see if you're still
in love with him.

Paul, this is ridiculous.

Why does he make you take
the telephone everywhere?

Does he call you
every four hours?

He thinks you're using
the love potion on me.

Don't tell him!
He's the enemy!

Just hang up
the phone, Diane.

He must have
found out about it.

Did you write it down?

I have to go.

Hang up the phone.

He must have read
your journal and...

Diane.

I'm not listening to you.

I am not using it.
He is.

It'll wear off someday,

and you'll be pregnant,
and you'll be married,

and you'll have
that as*h*le's children.

It'll wear off.
You'll be married to a man you hate

with a bunch of little
assholes running around!

I kept calling her,

but she wouldn't take my calls.

I wrote her letters,

but they came back unanswered.

I tried confronting Gary.

That didn't work.

There was only one stone
left unturned.

Do you have an antidote

or something
more powerful or...

Sit down.

Years ago there was a plague.

It affected many people.

It did not in any way
make them feel ill.

They lived long lives, but...

something inside of them
died...

The capacity to love forever.

This is the cure.

Love Potion Number Nine
does not create emotion.

It purifies it.

Love is often obscured

by doubt, prejudice, suspicion.

With number nine,

all that is eliminated.

It becomes pure.

The greatest tragedy in life

is when love fades.

With Love Potion Number Nine,

it never fades.

So if you ever loved each other

and you both take this potion,

you will love each other again,

as much as you ever
loved each other...

forever.

Are you absolutely sure
she was in love with you?

Uh...

mm-hmm.

Why?

If you both take this potion

and you were in love with her

but she really never
was in love with you,

you will love her for
the rest of your life,

and she will hate you
for the rest of hers.

Great.

How does it work?

She said drink from
the same cup, then kiss.

Five minutes later,
it will take effect.

If your heart is willing and can
be pleased, wait and listen,

and you'll hear a song
from the breeze.

So if you're willing
to fall in love,

and five minutes
after the big smooch,

you'll hear
this wind musical thing,

and whoosh,
you're in love forever.

If your heart is stubborn
like the heart of a fool,

you will taste
the sweat of a mule.

So if you're an as*h*le
and not willing to commit,

then five minutes
after the kiss,

you'll taste mule sweat,

which, I imagine, is terrible.

So if I take this potion
with Diane,

I kiss her,
five minutes later...

assuming that she's
still in love with me...

number nine
will override number eight,

no matter how much
Gary takes number eight.

That's assuming
she's in love with me.

Paul...

And this is the reason
why you guys are here...

Diane's not talking to me,

so she's not going to
willingly take the potion.

I'm going to need your help.

The plan is very simple.

We go to her house,
I knock on the door...

You guys wait on the foyer...

If she answers, I burst in.
You guys follow.

If she doesn't,
we knock down the door,

grab her, hold her down,
I tickle her knee,

and her mouth will open.

I force the potion in,
get her to swallow it.

I kiss her. Then we wait
for five minutes.

Of course, getting her
to swallow

is going to be
the toughest part

'cause, hey, you know,
women don't want to swallow.

Sorry. Uh...

Oh, also, if Gary is there,

it's going to get physical,

'cause, uh...

But there are four of us,

and I think we can take him...

unless he has a g*n,

but chances are pretty remote.

You guys have any questions?

What? What?
What's with that look?

You don't believe me?

It's not a matter
of not believing you.

It's just...

I think it is a matter
of not believing you.

Not only that,
but you're asking us

to break a number of laws...

breaking and entering,
as*ault, battery.

Ron, do you believe me?

I'd sooner believe
the Single b*llet Theory.

Hold on.

I'm running kind of low,
sweetheart.

This Gary guy has the rest
of the potion, right?

Yeah, that's right.

Great.

Bye-bye, now.

Bye-bye.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

My God.

She's an angel.

That b*tch.

She took my Rolex
and my wallet.

Yes. Yes,
that's right.

I'd like to report
a stolen Visa Card.

Thank you.

What am I going to tell Judy?

Tell her you're a schmuck.

You guys going
to help me now or what?

Remember. What do you
do if Marisa shows up?

Beat the living sh*t
out of her.

Cover your ears.
Yell and scream.

Don't listen to her.

What if Gary shows up?

Beat the living sh*t
out of him.

Good.

Shh.

Hi.

Hello.

Are you Diane's friend?

- Yeah. Who are you?
- Paul.

You're the Paul she works with?

Yeah.

The one she hit it off with?

She told me not to talk to you.

There's something strange
going on here, isn't there?

Yes, there is.

Suddenly she's dating
the prince of England,

then she's crazy about you,

now she's marrying the schmuck.

Marrying?
She's marrying him?

- Yes.
- When?

In about an hour.

Oh, Jesus.

She forgot this
in all the excitement.

Uh, hi.

What's happening here?

Would you like me to tell you?

You get her to drink
from the glass,

then bring the glass
back to me.

I'll sip from it,
come in, and kiss her.

So this guy Gary, is he big?

Yeah.

Now, you said that she
was crazy about me.

Is that the word
she used, crazy?

Yes.

Did she ever say that
she was in love with me?

Did she use that word?

No. She said crazy.

If your heart is decisive

and your heart can be pleased,

wait and listen.

You will hear
a song from the breeze.

Oh, great.

This is great.

Oh, O.K.

Now, it is a tradition

for the bride
and the matron of honor

to drink champagne

out of each other's glasses.

It is?

It is?

It is.

It's sort of an Irish thing.

Did you know that?

No.

Well, uh, pour.

Grandma.

O.K.

Um...

Here.

O.K. Now, hold
your glass up

really nice and high.

O.K.

And... to Diane

and... whoever.

Gary.

Right.

You look beautiful.

Mmm.

Gary, get out of here!

It's bad luck for the groom
to see the bride

before the wedding.

Well, then,

here's to bad luck.

There is something you can do.

You must drink
from the same glass,

then kiss her.

Drink from
the same glass, then kiss her?

She will fall in love

with the man she loved most

and hate the other forever,

but if you wait too long,
it won't work.

Hmm...

No...

Whoa...

No...

Aah!

Aah!

Back up.

Oh!

Just get out.

No!

O.K., move.
I'll crack this...

Put it down!

Just step aside.
Diane...

Oh, God!

Diane. Diane.

Mmm!

Look, fellas,
I... I... I...

I'm not crazy,
O.K.?

I'm not insane.

Mmm, oh, no!

Hello, Gary.

Now, listen.
I know you're in a hurry

to get married,

so let's skip the small talk.

You've got something I want.

Oh.

It's so...

thick.

You're supposed to dilute it.

Completely pure?

If your heart is stubborn

like the heart of a fool,

you'll wait, hear nothing,

but taste the sweat
of the mule.

What?

What are you doing?

Stop!

Gary.

Let me do this.

Gary, don't!

Stop!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on.

If any present knows any reason

why they may not lawfully
be joined in marriage,

let them speak now

or forever hold their peace.

Yecchh!

Yecchh!

Do you, Diane Farrow,

take this man to be your
lawfully wedded husband,

in sickness and in health,

as long as you both shall live?

I do.

The ring.

Excuse me.

What's going on?

You b*tch!

You god damn wh*re!

Ow!

tr*mp!

You b*tch!

Jesus Christ!

Uh, guys, we got
a major code 29

right outside.

Everybody out!

Get with it, guys!

Move!

Go, go!

Everybody move!

Help!

Help!

♪ Mo mo ♪

♪ Hmm, mo ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ma, ma, ma, ma, ♪

♪ Ma, ma, ma, ma, ♪

♪ Ma, ma, ma, ma, ♪

If you'd like to make a call,

please hang up and try again.

If you need help, dial 0.

Diane.

Where have you been?

Oh!

No!

Um, touch your finger
to your nose.

Hop on one foot.

Put your hands in the air

and go...

Grab your n*pples like this,
real hard.

You like that, don't you?

Ooh.

Ooh.

Now I think it's time
for a little magic.

Well, I'd like to tell you

that five minutes
after I kissed Diane,

she came running out
into my arms

and that we fell in love
forever,

but that's not what happened.

It took six minutes.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Let's get out of here.

O.K.

Ahh, that's nice.

♪ I took my troubles
down to Madame Ruth ♪

♪ You know, that Gypsy
with the gold-capped tooth ♪

♪ She's got a storefront
at 34th and Vine ♪

♪ Sellin' little bottles of ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I told her everything
was goin' fine ♪

♪ Everything
except that man of mine ♪

♪ She looked at my palm ♪

♪ Made a magic sign ♪

♪ Said, What you need is ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ She jumped down,
turned around ♪

♪ Gave me a wink ♪

♪ Said, I'm gonna mix it up ♪

♪ Right here in the sink ♪

♪ It smelled like turpentine ♪

♪ Looked like india ink ♪

♪ I held my nose,
closed my eyes ♪

♪ I took a drink ♪

♪ Didn't know if
it was day or night ♪

♪ I started kissin'
every man in sight ♪

♪ Never been so turned on ♪

♪ Never felt so fine ♪

♪ Gonna give my man some ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ I didn't know
if it was day or night ♪

♪ I started kissin'
every man in sight ♪

♪ Never been so turned on ♪

♪ Never felt so fine ♪

♪ Gonna give my man some ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number Nine ♪

♪ Love Potion Number ♪

♪ When I get the notion ♪

♪ I take a little potion ♪

♪ Love Potion... ♪