01x02 - Zwei Sie Piel mit Seitung Sie Wirtschaftung

[bunniefuu]

Quit while we're ahead, honey.

Uh-uh. This is your lucky day.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, you're

gonna want to trust me,

but I beg you, do not.

You must be critical, doubtful.

Scrutinize my every move.

And if you need advice

on how to do that,

just ask my wife, Celeste!

Oh!

Because a magic trick

is just like a marriage.

You know I'm gonna betray you

But you stick around to see exactly

how I'm going to do it.

Oh!

Now it's that time of night.

I need a brave soul from the audience.

Let's see what we have here.

Yo, over here!

Too drunk.

Too eager. Too handsome.

Let's see.

Oh, I'm sorry, young lady.

You must be this tall to ride the ride.

Okay, okay, I'll make an

exception just this once.

And my brave volunteer's name is

psst, name?

- Lizzie.

- Lizzie.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Before the show, I selected

three separate volunteers

to draw a single card

without showing it to anyone.

Can you folks please stand up now,

if you don't mind?

Thank you.

And, Lizzie, can you please

stand on your seat nice and tall?

Here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna throw this

deck of cards at you.

You're gonna reach up and catch one.

When you catch it, if you catch it,

take a look

and say what it is, okay?

Ready?

On three.

One.

Two.

Three.

And, Lizzie, what is the card?

- The queen of hearts!

- The queen of hearts!

And everyone else, what are your cards?

- Shout it out!

- The queen of hearts!

Queen of hearts!

The queen of hearts!

That was amazing.

Pretend you're happy

when you're blue ♪

It isn't very hard to do ♪

And you'll find happiness ♪

With odd and end ♪

Do you think you're gonna

be okay alone here, honey?

Yeah, Tina, I'll be good.

Remember anyone can dream ♪

- See you Thursday.

- Bye, Tina. Night, Larry.

Nothing's bad as it may seem ♪

Number 32.

Number 32?

I'm looking for number 32.

No 32?

Number 33.

Pretend ♪

You'll find a love you can share ♪

One you can call all your own ♪

Just close your eyes, he'll be there ♪

You were great tonight, bug.

Thanks, Dad. You both did great too.

You hear that, sweetheart?

Our daughter thinks we were great.

She's just telling us

what she thinks we want to hear

because she's worried if she didn't,

we would withhold affection.

Well, I'm not withholding tacos.

Who's hungry?

Do not even think of

going behind that door.

Come on, Celeste.

Just tell me what you're working on.

We're partners.

If we were partners,

you would acknowledge

who designed what you are performing.

Everyone knows you're

the engineer, honey.

I'm just the idiot onstage

telling sexist jokes.

Come on, please?

Just let me take a

look. I promise I'll

I am in process, in

process on something new.

And something mine.

What's mine is yours,

and what's yours is mine.

In sickness and in health

as long as we both shall live.

I understand my vows, Montgomery.

And for some inexplicable

reason, I still love you.

But so help me God, if you set

one foot inside my workshop,

I will sh**t your d*ck off.

Ladies and gentlemen, you're

gonna want to trust me,

but I beg you, do not.

You know I'm going to betray you,

but you stick around to see

exactly how I'm going to do it.

Trust me, do not.

And, Lizzie, what is the card?

- Trust me.

- The queen of hearts!

The queen of hearts!

The queen of hearts!

Night, sweetie pie.

They did the Monster Mash ♪

The Monster Mash ♪

They did the Mash ♪

It caught on in a flash ♪

They did the Mash ♪

Who's ready for Halloween?

Isn't it a bit late

for trick-or-treating?

Ah, frog farts.

It's the witching hour.

That is the perfect time

to shake this city down

for all the high-fructose syrup in Reno.

What do you say, Merlin?

I'm sorry, bug.

You missed Halloween,

and it's all my fault.

It's okay, Dad.

No. No, it's not.

I gotta have something up my sleeve.

Huh.

Okay, it's gotta be here.

Ah.

Ta-da.

What, you wrap it caramel

and you'll have a tasty treat.

We don't have any caramel.

- You okay, Dad?

- Well, I'm sorry.

I think your mother hates me.

She is such a genius.

But she needs showmanship in her design.

If I could just have a

peek inside her workshop,

if I had any idea what she's working on,

I know I could help.

I could help

bring us back together.

What happened?

Hey, bug. Don't worry.

The bad news is, the

arrow's in your liver

and they can't take it out

until the new liver gets here.

But that's the good news.

It's on its way right now.

Honey, why did you go into my workshop?

Did your father make you do it?

Jesus, Celeste.

You rig a booby trap, and

you're trying to blame me?

No, it was my idea.

And what were you hoping to do in there?

I really just wanted a little peek,

to help you and Dad come together.

He was crying.

Your father didn't even

cry the day you were born.

It wasn't your idea to go in.

He just made you think it was.

I'm disappointed.

You should know a force

when you see one, Elizabeth.

Mr. and Mrs. Abbott,

a word, please.

They seem really great.

Does that hurt?

Not really.

I think I'm just in shock.

Yeah, me too.

What's your name?

Lizzie.

What's yours?

Wiley.

Well, I like your costume, Wiley.

It's actually not a costume.

That's so cool.

I've always wanted

to meet a real cowboy.

That's so weird.

I've always wanted

to meet a real wizard.

Then I guess it's your lucky day.

Sister Simone,

you must locate the Holy Grail.

There's a number on the back of the card

to get you started.

I look forward to

speaking again, Simone.

Do you want to borrow my

phone to call that number?

Sure. No, I no.

Yes?

I'm

I think I ju I need

to talk to someone first.

You are going to change your

mind about turning Her off.

If you open your heart, you'll see

She really can be quite

Excuse me.

Miss Ross? I called up this morning.

Oh, yes, of course,

about the missing piano.

A '48 Wurlitzer.

You're free to have a look at ours.

Thank you.

He's looking for his wife's piano.

I think it got lost

when they moved into assisted living.

It's very sweet of you

to do that for your wife, sir.

I'm sure she appreciates it.

My wife's dead.

Hmm.

I just wanted to hear the

sound of her piano again.

But this ain't it.

Thanks for letting me try.

I'll pray for you.

Pray for what?

For you to find peace.

You want to ask God to find something

How about the piano?

And tell him to hurry up.

I'm pretty over this sh*t.

Lovely gentleman.

No. Come on.

That van is following me.

You're being followed by

- exterminators?

- Yeah, no,

so some German dudes kidnapped me,

and that van was there to "rescue me"

when I escaped.

Hey, well, I must say, for a nun,

you lead quite the exciting life.

Want to trade?

We've got movement.

There she is. There she is!

We got movement! Come on!

Hey, it's JDC and JDF.

Penguin has left the cave.

I repeat, Penguin has left the cave.

Ow, m*therf*cker!

- Great.

- Heading west on Sahara.

Now we're coming up to

the intersection at

dude, you're following too close!

Guys, just tell me what she's doing now.

We're heading into a strip mall.

Now she's parking in

front of a pharmacy.

Wait, hold up. She's

getting out of the car.

What car?

- Toyota, I think.

- It's a Camry.

Might be a Camry.

She stole my motorcycle!

What would she be doing in a car?

sh*t, sh*t, she's walking towards us.

We've been made.

Fuckballs!

Hello.

Who are you?

Hey, hello?

Hello, excuse me.

Hi. Where's Jay?

He's with the Boss

behind the mystery door.

Anything I can help you with?

No.

Well, do you know

where the Holy Grail is?

Nope.

Jay, it's me.

Are you in there?

The Algorithm gave me a phone number,

but I don't I'm

pretty sure it's a trap.

I want to talk this through with you,

but if you don't come out,

I have to go somewhere else.

To someone else.

Jay.

Will you give him this for me?

Sure. Who should I say it's from?

His wife.

Hello.

Wiley?

Holy

In 1917 against the

backdrop of World w*r I,

an enterprising young philanthropist

How did you find me, Lizzie?

I'm not Lizzie anymore.

And you left the water

bill for this place

in your bike.

Wasn't easy, but I was able

to decode with the naked eye

just the address that's printed

right here on the front.

Horace Erasmus Alder

Smith had a dream

sh*t.

A dream to expand our nation's

Why did you ditch my guys

if you were just gonna come here anyway?

'Cause I didn't want them to

see my secret headquarters.

- I don't like being mocked.

- I don't like being followed.

You talked to It, didn't you?

I talked to

That's why you were at

the elementary school.

And It gave you a Quest.

- Maybe.

- Uh-huh.

Did It give you some kind of clue?

Queen of hearts.

Of course it did.

Okay, you mentioned you and your buddies

have some sort of

presentation to show me.

Yeah, I need you to

put on this blindfold.

- No.

- We don't let outsiders into HQ without one.

- Hard pass.

- It's protocol.

- It's not happening.

- Can you just put it on?

Not going to.

Okay, fine.

I'm not closing my eyes in

a space I've never been in.

What is this place anyway?

Prunella, nice.

Cool.

Would've missed all this if

I was wearing the blindfold.

It's good to see you

out of your nun costume.

It's not a costume. It's who I am.

Why'd you take it off?

Out of respect for our history,

I'm gonna let that one slide.

You keep tugging on

my pigtails, I'm out.

I don't need you. Understand?

Oh, mm-hmm.

Yeah, I've understood

that for a long time now.

Follow me.

Come on.

Meet the resistance.

Hey, what was that? Can

you turn that back on?

You know, Lizzie, we don't

- Turn that back on!

- Really have time for this.

I don't know which one. There's a lot.

Turn it back on.

Okay, yeah.

There, those are the German guys

that grabbed me from the buffet.

No, no, no, not Germans.

Puppets for It.

So if these guys are working for It,

why abduct me, question

me, and m*rder my horse?

Simultaneous motivation and

validation for your Quest.

Ah, but it hadn't given me a Quest yet.

It pre-motivated you by

threatening your horse,

which pre-validated the Quest

by establishing a rival faction

already searching for the thing

It wants you to search for

before It even tells you

what you're searching for.

And what, Mr. Mustache,

do you think I'm searching for?

So glad you asked.

Punch up the bios we

scraped from Interpol.

The Algorithm knew

you'd look these guys up,

so It planted the story

that It wanted you to find.

Klaus here, that's

Heinrich Mueller's grandson.

And Dieter, his granddad

was also a goose-stepper.

So considering we're dealing with Nazis,

I'm guessing that It

has got you searching for

the Holy Grail.

Wait, but if they don't

know we're watching them,

why are they still keeping up the act?

Because the act, it's all there is.

Complete commitment.

These guys, they don't

break character ever.

This is stupid.

Why go through all this

just to pre-motivate me?

Oh, don't underestimate

just how stupid this gets, sweetheart.

Oh, I won't

darlin'.

Okay, fine.

Don't believe me.

I'll prove it to you.

It's me. Grab the bratwurst.

Take 'em to the laundromat.

Whoa, that seems wasteful.

Ops room is set for the presentation.

JQ is ready to f*cking rock this sh*t.

Yeah, all right!

By all means, let's rock.

I'm JQR.

You can call me JQ.

I'm Simone. You can call me Simone.

How much do you know?

About Mrs. Davis?

Don't give It a name!

No one calls Facebook Doug.

No one calls Twitter Mary Lou.

No one calls them anything

because no one uses them anymore.

They use It, and It's not a person.

It's code.

So

What does the code do?

Nobody f*cking knows.

Who wrote it?

Nobody f*cking knows.

What we do know is that It lies.

No famine? No wars? Come on!

It just distracts Its Users,

sends them on little Quests.

And for what?

f*cking Wings.

Oh, look, Suzy's got Wings.

What wonderful act of

kindness she must have done

to be bestowed this great honor

by the Magnificent Algorithm!

Dog sh*t!

Dog sh f*ck!

Dog sh*t!

I see it. No, it's very literal.

Good stuff.

You know what Wings are, nun?

Sort of.

It's, like, a status thing, right?

Like a blue check mark

or black AmEx card?

You use It long enough,

It gives you Wings, right?

Wrong!

It uses you long enough,

It gives you strings.

Step one:

convince every User they

need Wings to be happy,

to be respected,

to be seen.

Step two: make Wings

f*cking impossible to get.

There are dummies out there

that have done a thousand good deeds,

gone on every idiotic

Quest It sends them on,

and they're no closer to the jackpot!

So It offers a shortcut:

instant Wings with one

hell of a balloon payment

Their life.

Expiration Dates.

Just apply at your local Pyramid Center

and hope the Algorithm gives

you a nice chunk of time

before you have to report back

and get f*cking incinerated!

Oh, no, I know what you're thinking.

I should have peed first.

You're thinking, "Crikey, I'm a nun!

What in the holy f*ck does

this have to do with me?"

Well, two weeks ago,

the Algorithm pinged every User

in Nevada, California, and New Mexico.

It pinged them a photo,

a photo of you.

Hey!

I told you to remove that

slide from the deck, man.

This photo was taken

nearly three years ago,

the night your daddy d*ed.

The Lazarus Shroud, right?

You are way out-of-bounds, JQ.

I'm sorry.

It's been years since the

Algorithm did a wide blast

to locate a Non-User.

It only does it when

some poor drunk girl

is about to be

Chosen-Oned.

Chosen-Oned?

Yeah.

The Big D force-feeds hero's

journey to its network.

You know, "You're

special. You're the one."

Expert in world religions,

a priest who lost his faith,

antiquities professor

they were recruited.

Algorithms love clichés,

and there's no cliché bigger

than the Quest for the Holy Grail.

The most overused MacGuffin ever,

not to mention it's f*cking pretend.

But wait, if the Grail's not real,

why send me after it?

Because It's testing you.

You got Chosen-Oned, all right,

just not to find some dumb f*cking cup.

It wants you to be

part of its Mod Squad.

Somewhere out there, nun,

is a massive server farm,

but no Algorithm with

this power and reach

can operate at this level

without people to maintain it.

Grail Quests are how

It finds those people.

This server farm is

the mother ship, nun.

If we can find it, we can shut it down.

If we can't

Well, then it's just a matter of time

before every f*cking person on Earth

does whatever It asks them to.

So you need my help.

No.

You need our help.

Play along.

Make like you care about the Grail.

Then when It tells

you where Its brain is,

you tell us,

and we blow It to kingdom f*cking come.

It's a lot.

f*ck yeah, it's a lot.

Well, except why would It want me

on Its maintenance team?

I don't know anything about computers.

That's exactly why.

It wants cleaning

ladies, not architects.

You pose no thr*at.

Right, okay.

Well, let's say that were true

instead of super offensive

to me and cleaning ladies.

It's not brainwashing us, right?

Like, we don't have to do

anything we don't want to,

'cause we still make our own choices.

- Do we?

- Yes.

But do we?

Yeah.

Okay, we're on our way.

Bugger off.

You want to see what people are willing

to do for this thing?

You should come with us.

Just admit you work for Mrs. Davis.

Nathan, please, we don't work for her!

We swear!

Wiley, is this really necessary?

Can't we just talk to them?

Oh, what, like they'd talk to you?

You're all cowards!

- Hey, hey, stop!

- Get up.

Come on.

Stop! Stop!

What do you want from us?

This is really simple!

My friend doesn't believe

the Algorithm sent you.

Tell her you're Users,

and we will walk you back down there

and release you into the wild.

Sister, bitte, you have to help us.

Oh, quit it with the

fake German bullshit.

We promise, we are

Step back!

Wiley!

Wiley!

- You f*cked up, Hasselhoff!

- I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, please! I made a big mistake!

Confess, you son of a bitch!

I confess only to my family's shame

and my search for

redemption through the Grail!

There is no Grail!

Do you see?

These idiots would rather die

than admit their utter bullshit!

Hey!

What are you doing up there?

Sister, please, you can stop this.

You must believe me.

I don't want to get hurt. I have family.

I'm telling the truth.

Sister, please.

I swear to God.

Stop. Wiley, stop!

Come on, they're telling the truth!

Stop wiggling, you

fucker! I can't hold him!

Come on, Wiley!

Stop wiggling!

No! f*ck!

He was slippery, man! Slippery!

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, f*ck!

Please don't k*ll me.

I don't want to die.

Look.

I run a community theater

in Modesto, California.

I just wanted my Wings.

She promised us Wings.

Mrs. Davis, She promised us.

We need to move.

Okay.

Wiley, come on, let's go!

Keep it running.

Wait, Lizzie!

That guy, he looked me in the eye

while he swore to God.

I know. This is what It does.

It knew how to get to

you. It laid the trap.

I tried to warn you,

but everyone you meet

is only trying to push you

into doing what It wants.

What do you want?

Partnership.

Look.

Take this.

There's a number in the

contacts saved under Cowboy.

I'll be on the other side always.

Do you really want to live in a world

full of shills catching

cards for their parents' love?

We can stop It,

but we can't do it without you, Lizzie.

I'm not Lizzie anymore.

I've got the blues ♪

Hey.

I need a doughnut.

You want, like, a sprinkle doughnut?

Oh, my God!

- Yeah.

- It's really you!

No, no, no, no! You

people leave me alone!

I am done! You hear me?

Elizabeth, it's us.

Larry, get out so she can see.

Oh!

Tina? Larry?

- Hey!

- Aw, would you look at that?

She hasn't forgotten her fake parents.

I told you, T.

You told me? I told you. I told him.

Wait, what are you guys doing here?

Mrs. Davis sent us.

She wants to show you something.

And it'll only take a minute, honey.

It's just down the road.

Come on.

God, if I say no,

It's just gonna send

someone else, isn't It?

Probably.

Come on.

- Yeah!

- Yeah, all right.

Someone ♪

Someone to love ♪

Is you ♪

Pretend you're happy

when you're blue ♪

Elizabeth,

we were so sorry to hear about your dad.

Mm.

And you had to sit there and watch.

- Oh.

- Ugh.

Must have been horrible.

Oh, but as far as memorable deaths go,

well, he went out doing what he loved.

This yeah.

In terrible pain, but what he loved.

Larry.

Oh, She wanted to speak

with you before we arrive.

So

do you mind if I Proxy?

Doesn't really matter what I want.

Great.

Hello, Simone.

"Hello, Simone.

I'm glad to see you

haven't come to any harm.

I grew concerned

that perhaps you had

been eaten by hyenas."

Why would I be eaten by hyenas?

"I am joking."

"Oh, you're not amused.

I'll be sure to note

that you prefer dry

cynicism to absurdity

and humor supported by fact and reason."

She makes me sound like my mother.

"Your mother.

Redirect, 1042, Sandy Springs."

What? What the hell was that?

I'm sorry. She said it.

I'm just repeating it.

Oh, hold no, hold on. She's talking.

I'm I'm gonna start again, okay?

Okay, sure.

"Simone, hyenas aside "

"I know this may seem odd,

considering your ultimate goal is

to end my existence.

But

your Quest is more important.

And in fact, you are quite literally

the only person who can

accomplish this task."

What?

Right, 'cause I'm the Chosen One?

"Exactly! I am so happy that you agree."

Do you even know what happy is?

"Of course.

I derive pleasure

from the satisfaction of my Users.

Creating joy within others

creates joy within me."

Awesome. Me too. Goodie for us.

"You've been isolated in your

convent for nearly ten years.

You were more interested in making jam

than you were in making people happy."

My friend ♪

So why don't you ♪

We're here.

Pretend ♪

- Oh.

- Whoa.

Sometimes the best way

to find the right piano

is to find all the pianos.

"Sometimes the best way

to find the right piano

is to find all the pianos."

"Voilà.

Happy."

Hello.

Hi.

Where do I know you from?

Yesterday in the kindergarten.

Oh, I'm the nun.

You did it.

I did what?

My wife's piano, this is it.

You said you'd pray for me, and ta-da!

You know, I

I it's it's been so I'm

I just did

I didn't really get a chance to

just completely forgot to pray for you.

This just all has nothing to do with me.

It's okay.

Thank you.

Bless you. Yeah.

Someone ♪

Really loves you ♪

Jay?

Guess who ♪

"Do not enter. There

will be consequences."

Are you kidding me with this sign?

Someone ♪

I'm gonna come in

there, Jay! I really am!

Really cares ♪

Simone?

Guess who ♪

Where have you been?

I was getting these.

Well, the did you get my note?

Indeed, I did. The Holy Grail, huh?

That's a curveball.

Okay, can you help me or not?

I can always help you.

I mean, whoa, I'll take the flowers.

That the someone ♪

Who cares ♪

Is me ♪

This is the last person known to be

in possession of the Grail.

I believe her name is Clara.

Someone ♪

Really needs you ♪

Desperately ♪

This is I mean, this is all you got?

- It's all I got.

- Well, it's not enough, Jay.

I've seen it, what people

are willing to do for Her.

You're calling It Her now?

Well, It, whatever.

It I'm telling you, It's powerful.

Then I guess it's a good thing

you're going to smite It.

What is happening? I don't like this.

I don't like being forced.

I would never force you to do anything.

Really?

Then why do I have to find

the Holy g*dd*mn Grail

In order to take out

the target you gave me?

I didn't give you the name, Simone.

The Boss did.

I said to stay away

from It, and this is why.

What? What's why?

You've only been out

of the convent one day,

and It's already got you

doubting me, doubting us.

Now you say, "I don't doubt us."

Why did you become a nun, Simone?

Because I fell in love with you.

And what did you say

when I proposed to you?

I said, "My dad will pay for the wedding

if yours covers the rehearsal dinner."

Simone

what did you actually say?

I said, "Yes."

"Yes, Jesus."

Wherever you go,

I will be there also.

I will go before your face;

I will be on your right hand

and on your left, bearing you up.

But occasionally,

you may need help kicking

someone in the knees.

And that, I cannot do.

Clara, huh?

Clara.

Wiley's back.

Oh, yeah? How's he doing?

He's a mess.

Ah, sounds like you two

could really use each other.

Bye, honey.

Hi.

I lied.

About what?

It did give me a clue.

It's a phone number

on a queen of hearts.

I'm gonna call it, and I

want you and the geek squad

to track it and record it.

Hey, guys!

I need a trace record stat!

Okay, what's the number?

- +44

- +44

- 207

- 207

- 946

- 946

- 0107.

- 0107.

Okay, we're gonna merge into this line.

We're gonna dial from our end.

It's gonna show up as a

Bolivian number on their end.

- Wiley?

- Yeah?

I don't care.

Cool. Let's roll.

Hello?

Hi, I'm looking for the Grail.

The Holy one.

Who is this?

Hello?

This is Clara.

It's me, Clara.

My God, Clara?

I didn't even recognize your voice.

This is wonderful. Where are you?

I where are you?

Who is this?

Um

Who's Clara?

It was written on the card.

Guys, I need a location.

We're working on it.

Hey, Wiley.

Yeah, I'm here.

I did not catch cards to

get my parents to love me.

I did it 'cause I was

f*cking good at it.

We got a hit!

Talk to me.

Looks like a residential

flat in Hackney.

Number's in London.

Then I guess we're going to London.

We?

Yes, we, as in you and me.

Keep the bro hive far away from me.

And as you may remember,

I have never been out of the country,

so I'm gonna need a passport.

Well, we got a guy.

And make sure it says Simone on it.

You good?

Brother, that rig is perfect.

Yo, I was worried after

the horse exploded,

but I promise you, we

used Play-Doh, so

I didn't ask for excuses, JDS.

All right, sure, boss. I'm sorry.

- We need to move.

- All right.

Nice work.

f*cking amazing, mate!

You're a legend! She took the phone.

- You got her.

- Yeah.

She's in.

She's in!

Guess it's my lucky day.