Derek DelGaudio's in & of Itself (2020)

[bunniefuu]

[children shouting excitedly]

DEREK DELGAUDIO:
They ask you,

"What do you wanna be when you grow up?"

Later they ask,

"What do you do?"

Which is just another way of saying,

"What have you become?"

It's not enough to have a name.

People need something to call you.

So you search.

You look at the roles
the world offers you,

trying to find the one
that reflects who you are.

♪ serene instrumental music playing ♪

♪

Only a lucky few get to play
the part they want.

The rest settle for what's left

or struggle with what they've been handed.

Then we all learn to embrace
our illusions of identity.

I did.

I thought I knew my role.

♪

Then I met a man who told me
who I really was.

And I knew he was right.

I just didn't know why.

♪




We're here because I heard a story.

♪ mystic music plays ♪

Five years ago, I was in Spain
visiting a friend of mine.

And this friend,
he took me to a small bar,

and it was there that
I was introduced to a stranger.

And this stranger, he told me a story.

He told me a story about a sailor

who returned home after the Great w*r,

and this sailor quickly discovered
the only thing more difficult

than fighting in a w*r was surviving one.

'Cause for him, without a w*r to fight,
he felt lost.

So the sailor searched for himself
at the bottom of a bottle

only to find himself
with no friends, no family,

no prospects.

So one day, at the end of his rope,
this desperate man,

he turned to a game of chance.

A game of Russian Roulette.

The game was highly ill*gal,
but it was organized.

The players would enter
their names at the door.

And when a player's name was drawn,
they'd be escorted into a dark room

full of a bunch of strangers.

The strangers would proceed
to place bets.

They would decide the value
of the player's life.

Once all the bets were collected,
a single b*llet was ceremoniously loaded

into one of six
empty chambers of a p*stol,

the chambers then closed and spun,
the p*stol handed to the player

who had one job:
place the g*n to your head,

pull the trigger.

Your odds of surviving this game,
of winning were five in six.

And if you won,
you were handsomely rewarded.

All your troubles were over.

And if you lost,

all your troubles were over.

So‐‐
[audience laughs]

First time this sailor played, he won,

but no one noticed him.

And no one paid any attention to him.

But the second time,

second time he played,
people started to pay attention.

And mostly because
nobody who won this game
ever came back the next day.

And the third time that this man played
and won, that was the night,

that was the night
the people gave him the name.

They started calling this man

the Rouletista.

[g*n clicking]

[clicking]

The fourth night, the fourth night,
the crowd nearly doubled in size.

Word spread of this guy.

And people just wanted to see
what the fuss was about.

So again, the people,
they all placed their bets,

and again he played.

[whirring]

Click. And again he won.

It was about this time
people started to speculate,

okay, maybe this guy figured out
a way to cheat at this game.

Or may‐‐ or maybe
the organizers of the game,

they just rigged it
for him to win, you know,

drum up some promotion
for their own business.

So people got smart, they stopped betting,
they stopped playing altogether.

So the Rouletista,
without anyone asking him to do this,

he said he'd be willing to add
a second b*llet to the g*n.

So people took the bet.
And again he played.

[whirring]

Click. And again he won.

He agreed to add a third b*llet.

This time, no one really cared
if he was cheating, you know.

[audience laughs]

People just wanted to be able to say
that they got to place a bet against him.

[whirring]

Click.

He added a fourth b*llet. And a fifth.

Eventually, he agreed to add
a sixth and final b*llet.

Yet nobody bet.

No. Instead, they just bought
a ticket to watch, you know.

Watch a man stand on a stage
and place a loaded g*n to his head.

Believe it or not, for the first time
in a hundred years,

there was an earthquake in that region.

[rumbling]

The building shook so hard‐‐

[rattling, crashing]

A beam fell right from the ceiling,
knocked the g*n

right out of the Rouletista's hand.

[whirring]

He took this as a sign.
That was the night he retired.

But he, he was wealthy
at this point, though.

So he got married.

[audience laughs]

He had some kids.

Got himself some grandkids.

He lived in the biggest house

on the highest hill in his town.

People, when they saw him,
they would cross the street

just to come shake the man's hand

or to get the hell away from him.

He w‐‐ he was a living legend.

One night, he was asleep in his bedroom,

he heard someone downstairs
rummaging around.

He went down to investigate,

only to discover a burglar was down there
trying to break into his safe.

The burglar stood up and pointed a g*n
at the Rouletista.

[whirring]

Rouletista looked back
at the man and said,

"Do you know who I am?"

Burglar replied,

"No."

[g*nsh*t]

Fired a single shot.

k*lled the Rouletista right there
in his own home.

That's it. That's the story.

[audience laughs]

This is a story the stranger told me
at this little bar.

And I looked at him and said,
"That's a fascinating tale, sir.

"Why did you tell me that?

Wha‐‐ what made you think of this?"

And he, he looked at me
and in all seriousness replied,

"Because you are the Rouletista."

I had my friend translate that.
Perhaps I misunderstood him.

And he just repeated himself, "No,

"you are the Rouletista.

I just thought you should know."

And he left.

And that night, I stared into a mirror
trying to see the man that he saw,

but all I could see is
the same thing I see

every single day.

I‐‐ I've retraced the footsteps
of that encounter

over and over again, looking for clues
as to why he might have said that.

I didn't say but two words to him.

I wasn't dressed like a sailor, you know.

I didn't put a g*n to my head.
So what was it?

What did he hear that I didn't tell him?

Or what did he see in me
that I didn't show him?

[g*n clicks]

[click]

[clicking]

♪ suspenseful music playing ♪

♪

You think this is a performance.

You see a man in a theater.

There's an audience.

His lines are memorized.
His actions are rehearsed.

[inaudible]

It is difficult to see past
what this looks like.

Hell, it's easy to lie on a stage.
It's even easier to lie in a film.

♪

I do not expect you to believe
anything you're seeing or hearing.

And knowing you won't believe me,

that's the only reason I'm going
to tell you the truth.

♪

[waves crashing]

You do have a choice, though.

You can see it for what it is,

or you can imagine what it could be.

[waves crashing]

[birds squawking]

♪

[birds squawking]

[waves crashing]

I need someone to come back tomorrow.

Okay.

On, on, on every ship, there is a book.

And this book is called the ship's log.

And it was, it was the sailor's job

to write down everything
that happened on a journey.

They were supposed to write it down
inside of this book.

But long before
modern instruments, this book,

it wasn't just a record of the journey.

It was a really important part
of navigation.

Because sailors used the stars
and the sun to navigate.

They would determine their location,

and then they would write those
coordinates down inside of this book.

But from time to time, on a journey,
sometimes clouds would fill the sky

and it would be impossible for them
to determine where they were

But on these days, they still needed
to make an entry in this book.

So on these days, sailors were forced
to imagine where they were.

And they had to write that down.

And they relied heavily
on the previous entries

to help keep them on course.

Eventually, the clouds would part,
they'd find the stars again,

get back on track,
arrive at their destination.

But the, the end result for that book,
it told an honest story

of the journey that had taken place,

but it was comprised
entirely of information

that was both real and imagined.

We have a book.
And in order for it to continue,

I would need one of you to come back
to our next performance.

All right, sir. Um, I see you raising
your hand here.

I should point out, I'm serious.

[audience laughs]

Are you comfortable with me referring
to you as Mr. Tomorrow

just for clarity's sake?

[audience laughs]
DEREK: Okay.

Okay. Tomorrow,

you will now be responsible
for the most terrifying moment

of the performance for me.

It's the moment when I ask this question:

"Did the person from
the last show come back?"

This is Ms. Yesterday.
Welcome back, Ms. Yesterday.

[audience laughs]

Hi.

Come on down.

[audience applauding]

Thank you very much.

Welcome back.

Sorry. He's aware of this.
The rest of you probably are not.

This is, this is the only time
I ever get to look at this.

So if you'll just indulge me for a moment,

I handed this out
on our very first performance.

This has gone out to sea with someone else
each and every day since,

and it's remained out there,
but it's always,

always managed to find its way
back to me in this moment.

I've been asking people to document

what they've been witnessing in here.

And some people,

some people have made
some really interesting artistic decisions

in this process.
[audience laughs]

Holy sh*t. Okay.

Derek seemed to have a sadness
in his eyes. And‐‐

[audience laughs]

These are the first two pictures
ever pasted in here.

Pictures of the rappers Ice‐T
and Ice Cube.

[audience laughs]

Well, that was a good one.

[audience laughs]

Bit of an overachiever there. Yeah.

She interlaced it with lyrics
from the musical Hamilton.

[audience laughs]

Post‐it Note Guy, he just went
through the book

and talked sh*t about everyone else.

[audience laughs]

Did you see the elephant last night?

‐ Excuse me?
‐ Did you see the elephant last night?

‐ We talked about the elephant.
‐ I know,

but with your eyes, did you see it?

‐ My literal eyes.

‐ Yeah, li‐‐ literal. It's not a trick.
‐ No.

‐ You didn't?

‐ No.
‐ Okay.

There will be an elephant here
a little later on.

It was right,
right before we threw you out.

We threw him out of the show.

Last night, he did not see
the end of the show. Uh‐‐

She still has not seen
the end of the show because we

booted her out of here
before it was over. So‐‐

You have that to look forward to,
Mr. Tomorrow.

There will be a reason
for your sacrifice tonight.

There was a reason for his
in the last show.

Because of it,

you're gonna ensure
this story doesn't end.

Instead of letting it end today,

I'm gonna have you take it with you.

And instead of seeing an ending,
I'm going to ask you

to imagine one and write that down,

which is what I asked her to do
in the last show.

Is this your writing here?
‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ I have not heard this yet.

I will... I'll be hearing this
with all of you for the very first time.

Uh, what did you choose last night?

‐ Uh, last night was pathfinder.

‐ Pathfinder. All right. This is‐‐

This is how our pathfinder‐‐

Our traveler.

Our novelist.

Our contrarian.

Our observer.

Our heretic.

Our warrior.

Our producer.

Our gift.

Our clown.

Our father imagined this story ends.

Secret agent. Stage is yours.

All I ask is loud enough
so they can hear you.

‐ Right.
‐ Thank you.

[clears throat]

‐ Ummm‐‐

‐ "By the time I left‐‐"

Sorry. I can't read
my own damn handwriting.

[audience laughs]

‐ "This is the scary part,
because I know this is the part

"I will have to read in front of everyone.

"But I don't have all day to spend time
on a writing assignment

I got from a show that I paid to see,
so here goes nothing."

[audience laughs]

MAN:
But how did it end?

"A bright flash, music crescendos,
then silence.

"On the scale where Derek once stood
is a full‐grown elephant.

The scale‐‐"

[audience laughs]

"The‐‐"

It's gonna be great.
[audience laughs]

"Every person will find love.

"No one will be judged.

Our 'I ams' will become 'We are.'"

[speaking German]

[continues speaking German]
‐ ...butterfly...

‐ Butterfly. I got that one.
‐ Butterfly.

‐ Yeah.
[audience laughs]

‐ "The Rouletista made the mistake
of being defined

"by the six chambers of the revolver.

"And although Derek is described
by the six chambers along the backdrop,

he should not be defined
by those six chambers."

‐ "People describe my parts,
my fac‐‐ my facets,

"uh, but do they ever really know
the whole me?

"Uh, how could they when I, like Derek,
hide an ugly truth,

"my secret,

when it should be my pride."

‐ "When I walked in and had
to choose my identity card,

I started to panic."

Sorry. [exhales forcefully]

"I'm not great at making decisions,
so naturally, I hesitated

"and over thought things.

"My constant fear crept up.
What if I choose wrong?

"Without realizing it,

"I was saying to myself,

[voice breaking]
'I don't think I know who I am.'"

[sniffles]

WOMAN: "A further introspective note:

"We all label ourselves
and live according to our label.

"But while I am an accountant,
as are thousands of other people,

"there is only one me.

"No one else has lived
every single one of my experiences.

I am not a label.
I am a sum of all parts."

DEREK: We are all the unreliable narrators
of each other's stories.

Based on the little that they know,

they're asked to imagine
how this story ends.

And it's that blank page,
it's that blank page of,

here's everything you know,
everything you've just heard,

everything you've seen.

Now what?

What are you gonna fill it with?

And it's just like the person
sitting next to you, across from you.

What do you know about him?
What have you heard? What have you seen?

What are you gonna put on that blank page?

And it's that responsibility that that,
that that book

presents to people.

Is the responsibility,

we are all writing one another's stories.

♪

WOMAN: "The Rouletista.

"Aren't we all gambling
pieces of ourselves daily?

"Don't we all have something to lose?

How do you know
when you're holding a loaded g*n?"

[audience applauding]

DEREK: Thank you.

‐ Okay.

[indiscernible whispering]

[applause continues]

[whooping]

[g*n clicking]

[click]

♪ suspenseful music playing ♪

♪

[Derek sighs]

♪

There's a light.

This light happens every day. It ha‐‐

It happens at the same time
every single day.

If you stare out towards the horizon,

right as the sun hits it,
you're gonna notice.

It's very difficult to decipher
anything that's standing

between you and the sun.

This time is called "The Time
Between Dog and Wolf."

This expression, "The Time Between Dog
and Wolf," it comes from the middle ages.

This‐‐ it was a cautionary expression
that parents would use

to scare their children.

Make sure that they got home
before it got dark out.

"You better get home before the time
between dog and wolf."

At this, at this time of day,
it's very difficult

to distinguish a friend from a foe
at a distance.

It's hard to tell the difference
between a dog and a wolf.

And by the time it gets
close enough to you

for you to make out
what it really is, too late.

I never saw this
as a dangerous time, though.

I... I always saw this as a time
of possibility, you know.

It's a very specific moment
for metamorphosis.

For me, this was the time when a dog

could also be a wolf.

♪ piano music playing ♪

♪

I‐‐ I'll never forget the first time I saw
someone perform sleight of hand.

I'd like to say it was love
at first sight,

but I fell in love with all the things
I couldn't see.

And I had to learn.
So I started with the very basics.

How do you hold a deck of cards properly.

And then I read it would take eight years

to learn how to hold
a deck of cards properly.

Eight years.

And which grip are you gonna learn
to hold them in?

You gonna learn the mechanic's grip.

The full grip, straddle grip,
box grip, dealer grip?

I couldn't decide.

So, I just learned them all.

Taught myself how to shuffle.
You take one and another and another.

Eventually, I could speed up.

Start throwing as many as I'd like.

I learned the variations on these things.

Taught myself the cuts.

I learned how to do 'em one‐handed.

I taught myself how to riffle shuffle
using my leg.

Do‐‐

[audience laughs]

Eventually, I didn't need my leg, but‐‐

But I always threw in a bridge.

You know, I wanted people to know
I had been practicing.

You gotta put it to good use,
so you start finding cards.

Do you remember your card, sir?

Ten of spades? You're welcome.

[audience laughs]

Okay. And then, what about you, miss?
Do you remember your card?

The six of hearts? All right. [blows]

From the ten [clicks tongue]

to the six.

And you there. In the third row.

Do you remember your card?

You didn't have a card.
That's all right, we can do that.

[audience chuckles]

I wanted credit
for all this stuff, though.

So you start throwing in the flourishes.

Learn how to spring the cards.
That will get them every time.

That way, they know you're professional.

That way, they know you're working.

But you start to question that,

and you think, well, maybe they'd like
a waterfall more.

I mean, that's a bit more nuanced.

It's a little more elegant.

Same thing with the fan.

You learn the thumb fan,

and then you think, you know what,
maybe they'd like a pressure fan more.

I mean that's got something
[clicks tongue]

a little extra to it.

And what's better than a fan?

I know. Two fans.

After you learn this, it's mandatory
you get that headshot.

[audience laughs]

I loved it.

I lo‐‐ I loved it so much.

And, and I shared it with other people.

And then, then it was like,

it was like the more
I shared it with others,

the more disillusioned I became.

And I didn't understand that.

[riffling cards]

Now, looking back,
I can see that other people,

other people just couldn't appreciate
what I appreciated about it.

It's not their fault.

It's not my fault either.
It's nobody's fault.

Other people literally couldn't see
what I saw.

But then I met someone who could.

[telephone ringing]

[ringing continues]

DEREK: [over phone] Hey, Wolf?
WOLF: [over phone] Yeah.

DEREK: Hey, it's Derek.

WOLF: What's up?

DEREK: So, is it cool
if I record this conversation?

WOLF: Yeah.

DEREK: Okay, so the last time I saw you,

you told me about

the first time you saw him.

WOLF: Yeah.

DEREK: Can you tell me that story again?

WOLF: So... I got me into this game.

It's a game my older brother used to play.

And I'm sitting in this game
next to this guy,

and we're playing.

And at the time, I hadn't been
in too many card games.

At that time, I was mostly
f*ck' around with dice.

But, uh, I'm in this game,
and I'm next to this guy.

And I ain't never met this guy before.

But at that time, I ain't never met
a lot of people.

So, I'm sitting there,
and he leans in to bet.

Now, he confident but real sloppy.

So, he leans forward to bet,
and I seen what he's holding.

He just being lazy.

And I think to myself,
"I've got this m*therf*cker beat."

Only problem now is keeping him
in the hand.

I didn't want to scare him off,
know what I'm saying.

So, I raised, he raised,

and that sh*t went back and forth.

And I'm doing my best not to laugh at him,

'cause I know this m*therf*cker
ain't got sh*t.

But I'm playin' it cool.

And I go all in.

He calls. And we roll over our hands.

And he had me beat.

Now I'm thinking, "Am I hallucinating?"

'Cause I know what I saw.

But then when it ain't there
I start to think I'm losing my mind.

And I look up at this m*therf*cker,

and he's smiling right at me.

And he knew and he's smiling.

That's when I knew

he was the Devil.

And I wanted to be just like him.

‐ And I wanted to be just like him.

So he taught me.

So I learned.

And I remember him saying to me,

"Okay, Derek, all that time you spent
learning to become a dog,

"all that razzle‐dazzle you've learned,
you can forget it,

"because dogs like to please people,
and we're not about that.

"So from now on, you're gonna
shuffle cards like we shuffle cards.

"You're gonna deal 'em like we deal 'em.

"And you, you're gonna learn
to be invisible.

"You can start by getting yourself
a new name.

And make sure you pick a name
that's easy to remember."

So I thought about it for a little bit.

I went with the name Cody.

Cody is my middle name.

I just‐‐ I figured that would be
very easy for me to remember.

King of spades.

It turns out that's actually
really good advice.

Pick a name that's easy to remember.

'Cause the last thing you need
is to be sitting at a card table

and shuffling, dealing, playing cards,

having a grand old time
with a bunch of strangers,

and then someone you don't know says

what's supposed to be
your name a few times

and you don't respond.

You can't be sitting at these tables
trying to remember what your name is.

You got other things on your mind,

more important things
to be keeping track of.

Things like that king of spades.

Which is now 17 cards from the top.

There's 16.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight,

nine, ten, eleven, twelve,
thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen,

seventeen.

King of spades.

[chuckles] I remember him
saying to me, "Okay,

"Cody, listen, when you sit down to deal,

"there are a few things
you're going to need

"to remind yourself from time to time.

"One of those things... some of these guys
sitting at these tables,

"some of them are just going to be staring
at your hands while you're dealing.

"And if you ever notice that,
you gotta just stay calm, stay focused,

do your job."

♪ suspenseful music playing ♪

♪

"Now you gotta understand, kid,
even if they're staring at your hands,

"they can't see what you're doing.

"And they can't see what you're doing
'cause they don't even know it exists.

"And they don't know
someone like you exists.

"And they're just staring at your hands

"'cause they're waiting
for their next card.

"These guys are gamblers.
They're always just gonna be sitting there

"waiting for their next card.

But you have to believe me when I tell you
they cannot see that you're a wolf."

Didn't take long for me to realize,
on most nights,

one card, one card was
not gonna be enough.

On most nights, you needed
to find at least two.

And on those bad nights,

three.

And on those really bad nights, all four.

I remember him telling me,
"Look, kid, when you beat these guys,

"they're gonna get pissed.

"If you learn to accept it now
that they're gonna get upset,

"it will be a lot easier for you
when you're actually sitting with them

"and then you hear these guys start
to whine about losing,

"when you hear 'em start to b*tch and moan

"or when they start yelling
or making threats.

"I mean, you gotta understand, kid,
some of these guys,

"some of these guys might have
the nerve to accuse you of cheating.

"And if that ever happens,

"you gotta take a moment
and remind yourself of the truth.

"They just lost all their money.

"So they're furious.

"And you're one of the only people
in the world

"that they can take that out on.

They don't know that you're a wolf."

After their shuffles,

they always insist that you pass the deck

so someone else can give it a cut.

I guess they thought this sort
of procedure would keep the wolves at bay.

I don't know. I just‐‐
I remember being told,

"Look, look, you gotta let them have
those types of illusions, Cody.

You always want them
to have their illusions."

Four kings.

[sighs]

From the middle.

♪ suspenseful music playing ♪

♪

Didn't seem to matter
how well I did, though,

how hard I tried,

how proud I tried to make him.

Whatever I had, he always insisted
I give him a better hand.

That, that at the end of the day
is the problem I found with hustlers.

These guys, they really only care
about one thing, you know. Money.

And the sad truth is
you can make as much money

on any given night with one move.

One great move can win you the same amount
of money as every move combined,

so, a lot of these guys, they only bother
practicing one thing.

And some of them become
the best in the world

at one thing.

I spent most of my youth tracking
those few men down.

Asking them to teach me
what they've learned.

And I learned a lot
of great lessons from 'em,

but the best came when I was 17 years old.

I got on a Greyhound bus,
I went to Denver, Colorado

looking for the man
when it came to one thing.

I found him at a pool hall,
introduced myself.

After some convincing
of why someone like me

would be looking for someone like him,

he took me into a room in the back
where there was a card table,

and he set a deck in front of me
and said, "All right, kid,

let's see what you got."

This was like the old gunslinger
testing the kid, you know.

See how fast he is. I didn't hesitate.

I took the cards. I started shuffling.

I'm sitting there looking down at my hands
thinking, "Oh wow, this looks good."

[riffling cards]
I've been practicing.

And I finish my shuffles
and I look up from my hands

to see he's now holding a g*n.

And he says,

"Just hope they get you
in the heart, kid."

And what he was doing was teaching me
a valuable lesson,

which is if I were ever to attempt
these sort of things at a card table,

with strangers, for money,
I better make damn sure

that I'm not sitting there with 'em
just staring at my own hands

and admiring my own work.

So‐‐

He taught me how to practice.

I've practiced everything this way since,

and I will share it with you
as I try to run up a decent hand

for... his favorite game.

♪ suspenseful music playing ♪

Bridge.

The idea here, in theory,
is pretty straightforward.

Specific cards get shuffled
into specific positions.

Hopefully.

In this case, we're looking for
as many of the spades as we can find

so that in a moment, when I'm dealing,
the deals can be fair,

because right now it's the shuffles
that are crooked.

♪

All right, let's see how we do.

A spade?
AUDIENCE: Yes.

‐ Thank you.

Spade?
AUDIENCE: Yeah.

‐ Spade?

All right. Let's just see
how many we miss.

♪

[audience applauding]

Yeah. Okay, good.

Uh... no, I've finished this before,
I've had people say,

"That's awesome,
but they're not in order."

[audience laughing]

Which, you know, I would have done
for you folks,

but I had a f*ck' tie on my face. So‐‐

[laughing]

For any perfectionist that might be here‐‐

Using those deals from earlier,

starting with the ace of spades,
you should be able to bring it home

like this.

Ace, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight,

nine, ten, jack, queen, king.

Now they're in order.

[audience applauding]

It really does seem like no matter how

long it's been or how hard I try,

I've still got a whole lot of wolf in me.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

♪

[audience gasping, applauding]

♪ suspenseful music playing ♪

It's true, you stare out
towards that horizon,

and it is very difficult
to decipher anything that's standing

between you and the sun.

But if you are willing
to turn your back on the sun,

everything else is illuminated.

[high‐pitched screeching]

[screeching intensifies]

[g*n clicks]

[click]

[click]

[screeching fades away]

♪ suspenseful music playing ♪

Every secret has a unique weight to it.

I learned this at an early age.

My mother‐‐

My mother.

She had me when she was only 17 years old.

And my father, he was,

he was a little bit older than she was,

but he decided to split town

right when he found out she was pregnant.

But my mother,

she managed to work I don't know
how many jobs and go to school,

and she still somehow found the time
to tuck me in at night.

I mean, she found the time
to read me bedtime stories.

And‐‐

I honestly don't know how she did it
by herself for so long.

But when I was, when I was six years old,
that all changed.

I don't, I don't remember
if I was already asleep

or about to fall asleep,
but I do vividly remember

being thirsty.

So I remember grabbing my little cup
off my nightstand,

leaving my room, going down the hall
past the living room

to discover, oh hey, the TV's still on.

And there on the couch is my mother
kissing another woman.

And this for me is confusing.

But... my mother, she sits me down.

She introduces me to a very nice lady

and proceeds to gently explain

the nuances of love

between two human beings.

I cried myself to sleep that night.

And not because she told me she's g*y

but because that's the night I knew
I would never have a father.

But she was happy.

I wa‐‐ I was happy.

I mean, for the first time in our lives,
we were enjoying the comforts

of a nuclear family.

[inaudible conversation]

My best friend,

my best friend at that time
was a neighbor kid.

His name was Ryan.

And my playtime with Ryan consisted
of riding bikes,

playing tag.

We us‐‐ we used to pretend
we were pirates,

in a sandbox.

One day, I told my best friend, Ryan,

about my new mom.

And the next day, Ryan told me
he couldn't be my friend anymore.

That's what he was told.

And then I remember
coming home from school

and finding a Bible on my doorstep,

and I remember hearing
the sound of glass shattering

and then finding a brick.

And I remember hearing picketers
and learning the words "f*gg*t"

and "q*eer" and "d*ke".

And learning all three of those words
meant the same thing:

Mom.

We moved...

right after that.

And I learned...

[sighs]

I learned how to keep a secret, you know.

How to...

protect one.

How to create one.

I, I started to use language

I could hide in to...

avoid all discussion of life at home.

And I developed rituals.

If a new friend were to come over
to my house for the very first time,

I would ask them politely,
"Hey, dude, do me a favor,

"wait outside here at the front door.

I'm gonna go inside. I wanna make sure
the house is clean for you."

And cleaning meant me
running around the house,

hiding all the rainbow flags
and Indigo Girls CDs

and, you know, hiding anything
I thought might expose me

for who I wasn't.

Hiding all of the evidence
of my mother's pride.

I got really good at that.

[chuckles]

Then I remember Lindsey,
this girl from school.

I remember summoning up

every ounce of courage I had in me

to ask her to whatever dance it was

and she telling me she couldn't
because she heard from one of her friends

that my mother is g*y.

How did they know? I mean,
how did everyone find out?

I had been so careful.

After that, my secrets were replaced
with "go f*ck yourselves."

And... I like to think that
this honest new disposition came

from a place of maturity, but‐‐

[sighs]

It was exhaustion.

'Cause every secret has a weight to it,

and you can only carry them for so long.

[high‐pitched screeching]

[screeching stops]

[thud]

[chuckles]

This is just a brick.

This is just a brick.

But it's gonna be very difficult

for any of you to see it that way anymore.

This brick was painted gold

and it was placed on this stage,

and I just told that story.

I mentioned a brick in that story.

I, I sat right here

next to this brick
when I mentioned it, so‐‐

It's gonna be very difficult
for any of you to see this

as just a brick now, 'cause you know
too much, you know that story.

And that is what you will

think of now when you look at this.

Sorry.

I can help with that.

[thud]

[mutters]

♪

[sighs]

♪

Someone here is a tourist.

Tourist, wherever you are,
please raise your hand.

♪

Hey, tourist, could you please name,
uh, an avenue in this city

that we'd all recognize if we heard it.

WOMAN: Avenue A.

DEREK: Avenue A. That might work.

Someone here is an idiot.

[audience laughs]

Idiot, wherever you are,
please raise your hand.

♪

[laughing]

That's about right. Uh‐‐
[audience laughs]

Uh, someone here is a film buff.

Film buff, wherever you are,
please raise your hand.

Hey, film buff.

Could you please name, uh, a street
that intersects with Avenue A

that we'd be familiar with if we heard it?

‐ Third Street.
DEREK: Third Street.

Third Street and Avenue A.

Thank you, both.

♪

We all start so pure.

There's no information
that's tainted our experience

of what it means to be human.

And what we, we know about this world
is just pure. It's just‐‐

It's what actually is,
and then slowly but surely,

opinions are thrust upon us
and knowledge is put in our head

and we're given ideas,
and we start to make associations

between what's good and bad

and what a good person is
and what a bad person is.

And it's all that knowledge

that conceals what a thing is.

♪

That brick is now on the corner
of Avenue A and Third Street.

And it is, it's sitting now
right there on the corner,

and people are walking right by it.

Pe‐‐ people are driving right past it.

And if, if you go there,
just look, just observe,

and you're gonna notice
not a single person stops

to look at that brick.

Not a single person takes a moment

out of their day to look down
at the ground and go,

"Oh hey, there's a gold brick here on
the corner of Avenue A and Third Street.

What is this brick doing here?"
Nobody, nobody does that.

And...

nobody takes that moment out of their day
to acknowledge that brick's existence

because they don't care, and they‐‐

They don't care 'cause
they don't know anything about it.

They don't know where it's been.
They don't know its story.

Only the people in this room know
anything about that brick right now

and to everyone else on the planet,

that's just a brick.

Which it is.

It's just all in how you look at it.

[blows]

[wind whooshing]

DEREK'S MOTHER: Hey! Oh! [laughs]

How does it feel, honey?

[g*n clicks]

[click]

[click]

♪ suspenseful music playing ♪

♪

‐ Nobody move.

Nobody make a sound.

Uh... can you please choose
somebody for us.

Who'd you get?

Let me see that.

Okay. Nobody move,
especially not the Stabilizer.

The Gentleman.

The Tsar.

The Mediator.

The Teacher.

What does a reflection look like?

You don't need to think about it.
We have one here.

[audience laughs]

Uh, Reflection.

[sighs]

Wherever you are, please raise your hand.

I promise no harm will come.

Hey, Reflection.
Could you please stand up.

And if you could just
turn around real quick.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is what a reflection looks like.

[audience laughing, applauding]
Thank you very much, Reflection.

There's a story you should know.

There's a story all of us,

all of us should know.

This story is about these six dudes.

And these dudes,
they're walking through a field,

and they come across a thing,

and they don't know what this thing is.

So these guys decide

instead of just moving along,

instead of just minding
their own damn business,

these guys decide they're gonna stop,

they're going to investigate.

And by God, they're gonna figure out
what this thing is.

There's a‐‐ there is a problem
with their idea.

All six of these guys are blind.

And even though they're all touching
the same thing,

they're all touching
a different part of it.

So each guy thinks
it's a totally different thing.

For instance, the guy at the front
of this thing, he's touching this part.

Feels all long and round.
Gets thicker towards the top.

It's kinda rough, almost scaly.

It's wet at the tip. "Oh, hey, guys,
back up. It's an enormous snake."

The guy at the opposite end,
at the back end,

he feels something similar but different.

It is long and round back here.
It's not very thick though.

It's kind of the same width
all the way up.

It's fuzzy at spots.

It's fluffy at the end.

"Hey, man, it's not a snake.
It's just rope.

Don't freak us out."

And the guy touching
the side of this thing,

this guy is touching
the big broad side of this thing.

This thing is so big and so heavy and hard

when he presses up against it,
it doesn't budge, doesn't move an inch.

So this guy, he thinks it's a wall.

And the guy just below that, he's got
his arms around this part here.

"That feels like a tree trunk, gentlemen."

There's another one
and another and another.

"It's four tree trunks, guys."

And the guy on top of this thing‐‐

I don't, I don't know why there was
a guy on top of this thing.

[audience laughs]
But he's up there.

He's feeling around,

and he feels this part here.

Feels, feels kinda leathery.

Shaped like a fan.
Oh, there's two of them.

"It's like two big fans, guys."

Anyways, the point being,

these guys argue amongst themselves
for quite a while,

and it, it was not until they learned
to communicate

and work together

that they were able to, you know, "see"
the thing they were all touching

is just an elephant.

Now this, this is an old story.

There's lots of versions
of this really old story

from all around the world.

I have read every version of this story
I could get my hands on,

and I've noticed every version
of this story has one thing in common.

There's... there's not a single version
of this story

that takes into consideration
what this experience must have been like

for the elephant.

[audience laughs]

Think about it from its perspective
for just a moment.

Ima‐‐ imagine you are standing alone
in a field minding your own business

and six perverts come out of nowhere

and start fondling you.

[grumbling]

And then they start arguing
about what you are,

and they can't decide.

They can't figure it out. So they form
a really creepy committee,

and they discuss what you are.

And they come back and go, "Hey,
we talked about it. We figured it out

You, you're an elephant, Elephant."

[babbling]

What if they're wrong?
I mean, they are blind.

Or in, or in this instance, what if
they were right in the first place?

What if these blind guys
didn't stumble across an elephant?

What if they really did stumble
across a magical creature?

Something that had a snake for a nose,

and tree trunks for legs
and a wall for a body,

and then they just,
they convinced each other

it was just an elephant

And worse than that,

what if they could convince it
it was just an elephant.

And then what if this thing,

what if this magical creature didn't have
someone around who knew it,

someone who saw it for what it really was
and loved it enough to say,

"No, they're all wrong,
and you're more than that."

I don't know.

Maybe that's why we don't see
those types of magical creatures

roaming around anymore.

Reflection, please join me on the stage.

WOMAN: Hi.
‐ Pleasure to meet you.

Uh, take a seat. I'm gonna grab my chair.
I will explain what's happening.

I've been doing my best.
Uh, I've been doing my damnedest to keep

an antiquated form of communication
from going extinct.

In other words, I've been having
letters sent to me.

And I have,

[exhales forcefully] I have enough here

for... almost everyone,
but it doesn't matter.

Uh, it doesn't matter
'cause each day, each performance

we only get to open one,

and today you have been selected to decide
which of these we're gonna open.

So please go through,
decide on one you'd like to open,

and keep it for yourself.

MAN: This one.
DEREK: Okay. I'll take the rest.

I'm just gonna point out a few things
that you can see right now
that most of them can't.

First of all, you may have noticed,
all of these are actually addressed to me,

to Derek DelGaudio,
care of the Daryl Roth Theatre.

That's me. That's this place.

Second, you may have noticed all
of the return addresses have been removed.

And finally, if you turn it over
on the back,

you'll see this says "Cousin," "Friend."

What does yours say?

‐ Sister.
DEREK: Sister.

‐ Grandfather.
‐ Grandfather.

Sibling. Do you have any siblings"

‐ Yes.
‐ This is a rude question.

Do you have any friends?

‐ I think so.
‐ You think so. Okay, good. I have to ask.

What does yours say?
‐ Father.

‐ Father. Do‐‐ uh, do you have a father?

‐ I do.

‐ Is he here with you tonight?
‐ He is not.

‐ Perfect.

Okay.

Freak, two things are about to happen.

Uh, these two things are gonna happen
almost simultaneously.

One of these things, you will see.

And the other thing,

we will see.

Uh, here is what
you are about to see happen.

Right now, you're holding an envelope.

And presumably, inside of that envelope

is a folded card or piece of paper.

But in a moment,
you're gonna open that up,

you're gonna unfold whatever's in there.

And when you do,
you're gonna see this thing

transform

into a handwritten letter

to you

from your father.

From your friend.

From your nephew.

From your son.

From your cousin.

From your sister.

From your child.

[audience laughs]

None of us will see that.

Only she will see that.

What the rest of us will see,
in my opinion, it's,

it's better.

In a moment, you're gonna open that up.

And when you see this thing transform,

we get to see you, the reflection‐‐

The conceptual artist.

The teacher.

The pediatrician.

The lieutenant.

The unicorn.

The dog lover.

The fighter.

Transform into... something else.

Okie‐dokie.

Uh‐‐
[audience laughs]

You don't even need to read that aloud.
That's just for you to read.

But we are gonna watch.

I will be right here if you need anything

at any moment.

[audience laughs]

[scattered laughter]

‐ Ohh. What?

‐ No!

‐ What the f*ck!

[audience laughs]

‐ How‐‐

[audience laughs]

[laughs]

‐ Uh, okay.
[laughs]

[sniffles]

[sniffles]

‐ [whispering] You had
a moment for yourself.

Are you comfortable sharing this?

I can help if you need.

‐ I don't understand.

‐ I know. Please stand.

[clears throat]

‐ "To the Hairy Gary Gorilla‐‐

"despite being away from home
for ten years,

"I want you to know

"you're still a big part of my life,

and a very big inspiration."

‐ "You are everything to me.

"You are amazing to be around,
because you are smart,

funny, and beautiful inside and out."

‐ "I'm not sure that I've ever
completely conveyed to you

"how proud I am of you

"more than anyone I've ever met.

"You have a strong moral core

"and the courage of your convictions.

"Whether you're standing up
for the little guy

"against the big football players,

"like you did in college,

"or starting your venture
to teach adolescents how to live

an ethical Jewish life."

‐ "I am truly lucky to have‐‐
found a friend
as awesome as you so late in life

when it gets really hard to do so."

‐ "I want to tell you how much
I admire your independence

"and your strength,
especially to get through

"the tough times in life.

I love our common love
of Dachshunds and Chardonnay."

‐ "Just in case you haven't noticed,
your mama's proud of you."

And then she signed it 63,

which is a family shorthand
for "I love you."

‐ "I look forward to many more
happy years of friendship

"and worldwide travels together.

"Love, Ducky.

"P.S.,

there's nothing like El Baño at the 717."

‐ El Baño?

‐ That's the bathroom
we used to get high in.

[audience laughing]

‐ "You once said to me

"'Dad, what color is God's skin?'

"Your mother and I said to you,

"'It's black, brown, it's yellow.

"'It is red. It is white.

"Every man's the same
in the good Lord's sight.'

"To your mother and me,

"you have always embodied
this message to the world.

Love, Dad."

[sniffles]

And he's

dying of Parkinson's

and is...

in the last stages,
and every time I see him

I say goodbye to him, because I don't know
if I'm gonna see him again.

‐ I don't know if you all saw the moment.

I no longer see a reflection
on this stage.

I see someone's daughter.

I no longer see a free thinker
on this stage.

I see somebody's son.

I no longer see an organizer
on this stage.

I see somebody's friend.

I no longer see a fighter on this stage.
I see somebody's father.

I don't know when you plan
on seeing your dad or talking to him

but in the meantime,

I mean this, take a moment,
get a piece of paper, write him back.

Write her back.

Write her back.

Write him back.

It always means a lot more.

‐ Thank you.
‐ You're welcome.

‐ Thank you.

[audience applauding]

[sighs]

Uh, Mr. Tomorrow? Mr. Tomorrow.

Hi, Mr. Tomorrow.

Pack your sh*t. It's time to go.

[audience laughs]

Thank you very much for doing this.

We're gonna throw you out right now.

I don't want you to feel like
you're being excluded from this.

It's easy to feel that way
in this particular moment,

but I, uh, I assure you
it is quite the contrary,

because in a few moments,

all of this,

all of this, it's gonna end

for all of them.

And whether they all know it or not,

when this ends,
they will have decided what it is.

And they will have decided what I am.

But not you.
But not you.

But not you.

But
not you.

For you, this is gonna remain a mystery
a little bit longer,

and this story is gonna continue now
'cause you're gonna take it with you,

and... that means it could be
whatever you want it to be.

I'd like you to write down
what you saw here up until this moment.

Just as you saw. Like a recap for us.

And then, more importantly,

I want you to imagine how this story ends.

Uh, it can be anything you want.
Give us an ending.

I will have you read that imaginary ending

to the nice people that come tomorrow.

And then some day,

if someone were to read all of this,
it's gonna tell 'em an honest story

of everything that has ever happened here,

even though it's composed
entirely of information

that is both real and imagined.

I'm grateful you're part of it.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Thank you.
[audience applauding]

[g*n clicking]

♪ suspenseful music plays ♪

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

Before you came in here, there was a wall.

On that wall, there were a bunch of cards,

and a lot of you probably had fun with it.

Chose something like Ninja.

But others may have taken it seriously.

Maybe you chose something
you feel reflects

who you really are in this world.

How you'd really like
to be seen by others.

If you're one of those few people,
please stand.

♪

I remember reading that True Identity,

and not just identity,
True Identity is that which

exists within one's own heart

and is seen by another.

Honestly, I have no idea if that's true
outside these walls these days.

But in here,

I see a bartender.

And a curiosity.

And a heavyweight.

And an individual.

And an achiever.

A singer.

[sighs]

The truth‐teller.

A soother.

And a lover.

And a stargazer.

They're gonna regret it,
the one that got away.

An explorer.

And a good Samaritan.

And a vegan.

An alchemist.

An independent.

A maker.

And a good time.

[laughter]

If I'm right so far, you may be seated.

♪

A visionary.

♪

Keep up the good work.

♪

A disruptor.

A feminist.

An iconoclast.

A journalist.

Counselor.

A life coach.

A fish out of water.

A public servant.

A reconciler.

An artist.

A midnight toker.

[audience laughs]

An introvert.

Sorry to make you stand.

[laughter]

[exhales forcefully]

♪

You're like me.

An accident.

A traveler.

A mystic.

A leader.

A skeptic.

An anthropologist.

A nurse.

A makeup artist.

A single mother.

An adventurer.

♪

Nobody.

An intellectual.

A reader.

♪

[indiscernible whispering]

[woman chuckles]

A real mensch.

[chuckles]

[Derek chuckles] A breath of fresh air.

Welcome. Our immigrant.

My brother.

An accountant.

Hey, Grandpa.

[audience laughs]

A New Yorker.

A masochist.

[audience laughs]

An Adonis.

[audience laughs]

An exhibitionist.

A unicorn.

A real catch.

[audience laughs]

♪

Hi, Mom.

[audience applauds]

♪

An entomologist.

My teacher.

A shaman.

A multitude.

Everything.

Howdy, pilgrim.

Your Highness.

My advocate.

One of a kind.

A lone wolf.

A searcher.

An oracle.

An experimenter.

Life of the party.

My good luck charm.

My confidant.

A connector.

A fixer.

A dreamer.

A dog lover.

A believer.

Possibility.

An interpreter.

An organizer.

And you, Miss, you are a storyteller.

Please sit down.

[audience applauding]

And I am...

♪ suspenseful music playing ♪

♪

the Rouletista.

[sighs]

Beca‐‐

Because that...

that's how he saw me.

And then that's,

that's how I started to see myself.

And now I come here

day after day after day,
and I stand in a dark room

full of a bunch of strangers

letting them decide the value of my life
while I load up six chambers

and attempt to defy some odds.

So, yeah,

I am the Rouletista.

♪

But I also know that I'm a son.

And I know that even though I am a son,
I know I'm also an orphan.

And I know that I am a sailor
even though I've never left the shores.

And honestly, I don't‐‐

I don't expect anyone
to be able to decipher

whether I'm a dog or a wolf,
'cause I, I understand.

For most people, it's inconceivable
that I'm both, but I don't‐‐

I don't need anyone to see all the things
that make me what I am

to know I'm more than just an elephant.

I'm more than just one thing, 'cause
I'm not just defined by what you see.

I'm also defined by all the things
you will never see.

We all are. And...

I see that now.

♪

♪ music intensifies ♪

Click.

[audience gasps, murmurs]

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

♪

WOMAN: [laughing] Holy f*cking sh*t.

♪

MAN: We're on the corner of 25th and 7th.

There's a golden brick here.

We're taking it.

♪

WOMAN: Okay, this is
the craziest thing in my life.

[laughing]

The brick is right here.

♪

MAN: Can you take a photo of us?

♪

♪