01x06 - Speechless

[bunniefuu]

Myles: Mom, why is my nephew here?

Viola: You just adopted a baby boy.

Dylan: I'm Dylan. What up?

I'm from the harsh streets of Chicago.

I was on that block.

Viola: This child has never had a home.

He would be happy here.

Dylan: This house is dope, man!

Know what I'm sayin'?

Yasmine: Is this English?

Myles: Sounds like... [babbles]

Charlie: I think I need to Google this.

Dylan: We got work to do. I'm gonna help you.

Charlie: What are you doing?

Myles: He's only . How bad could it be?

Dylan: So let me tell you where babies come from.

Rebecca: Mom!

Dylan: I'm taking the top bunk.

I'm a top dog in this dog-eat-dog world.

You're just a squirrel.

Dylan: A'ight. You ready, Chuckles?

Charlie: I don't know.

There's no way she's going to say yes.

Dylan: Pshh! That's why we got a plan, man.

I'll go in strong. You get my back with the hype.

All you got to say is, "Yeah!"

Yeah?

Charlie: Ok.

Dylan: Say it with that chest. Yeah!

[deep voice] Charlie: Yeah!

Dylan: That's what I'm talkin' about.

A'ight. You ready? Let's go.

Dylan: Yo, Auntie Yas,

can I rap to you real quick?

Yasmine: Dylan, I don't really have time for a rap right now.

Dylan: What? No.

I'm just sayin', me and Charlie have some demands.

That new movie "Bad Boys " is out today,

and we tryin' to see it.

[deep voice] Charlie: Yeah!

Yasmine: Isn't that rated "R"?

Charlie: Yeah, I'm pretty sure--

Dylan: That doesn't matter.

I've been waiting, like, years for this sequel.

Yasmine: You haven't even been alive that long.

[deep voice] Charlie: Yeah!

Dylan: Bro, which side is you hypin'?

Charlie: Sorry. I got excited.

Dylan: It's all good, little dude.

You just got to ease up, a'ight?

So?

Yasmine: So?

Dylan: You're gonna say no, aren't you?

[deep voice] Yasmine: Yeah!

Myles: * Good morning

Yasmine: Oh, there you are.

Myles: Hey. Yasmine: I'm late. I got to go.

The caterers are gonna be here in a couple hours.

You can handle them, right?

Myles: 'Course. What caterers?

Yasmine: You're joking.

Myles: Am I?

Yasmine: You better be,

because if you forgot that my boss

and the entire office are going to be here tonight,

celebrating your amazing wife getting an award,

I'll k*ll you, right, Charlie?

[deep voice] Charlie: Yeah!

Myles: Heh heh heh heh! Honey,

of course I remember.

Yasmine: Mm-hmm. Good.

Then you also remember that you volunteered

to give a speech about me.

Myles: Honey, uh, yes, I remembered.

Yasmine: Well, I look forward to hearing that

well-thought-out speech that I am sure you already wrote.

Myles: Mm-hmm. Let me tell you something,

you're going to love it.

You're gonna love it! Ha!

Think she bought it?

Charlie: Yeah, Dad. You totally fooled her.

* There once was a kid from the city of Chi *

* Ma knew I was important, not a regular guy *

* Everybody follow me, I'mma take you on a trip *

* Buckle up, let's go, I'mma getchu all hip *

* I'm a star came up from a block in Chi-town *

* Livin' large I'm tryna balance *

* School and these bars

* Came far

* Ain't no better feelin'

* I tell 'em, "You gon' love Young Dylan" *

* Young Dylan Singer: * Ay! Young Dylan! *

Dylan: * Young Dylan Singer: * Ay! Young Dylan!

Dylan: * I tell 'em, "you gon' love Young Dylan" *

[Dylan grumbles]

Mmm.

[Charlie and Dylan laughing]

Dylan: There you go, Pop. Now, that's funny.

Charlie: Yeah, Dad. That's a great joke.

Myles: It's not supposed to be a joke.

Dylan: Oh. Well, then, it's not very funny.

Charlie: And it's a little mean.

Myles: Would you two find something to do?

I mean, I'm having a hard enough time writing

this speech for your mother's thing tonight

without you two sitting on my shoulders.

Dylan: Word.

Well, I--I guess we could-- Heh heh!--

I don't know, watch a movie or something.

Myles: Yeah, yeah, do that.

Dylan: A'ight, bet, so you don't mind

if we watch, um, I don't know, "Bad Bros ?"

Myles: Yep, yep. Dylan: Right, Uncle Myles?

Myles: Yep, yep, great. Sounds like fun.

Rebecca: Isn't that movie rated, like, double-R?

Charlie: Yeah.

I think that's why Mom told us no.

Myles: Dylan.

Dylan: What? sh**ter's gonna sh**t.

Myles: Rebecca, I--I can't deal with these two today.

I need you to keep an eye on them.

Rebecca: Oh, so you can deal with the caterers

when they get here?

Myles: Yeah, but I need you to deal with the caterers, too.

Dad!

[high-pitched voice] Myles: "Dad!"

Ok. All right, all right, all right.

You know what? It was a bit much, ok?

I'm stressed. I'm sorry. It was unnecessary.

Whatever. I can't anyways. I'm going to Bethany's.

Myles: Well, you need to call Bethany and

tell her you're gonna be late. Rebecca: Dad, no.

Myles: Then you need to call Bethany

and tell her you're grounded.

Rebecca: Heh heh!

Guess I can be a little late.

Myles: Mm-hmm. Great.

Dylan: You know, Uncle Myles,

you're stressed about this little speech

when there's no reason. [scoffs]

You've got a grade-A writer sitting right on your shoulder.

Myles: Yeah. Good idea.

Charlie, what you got?

Charlie: Well, you could write-- Dylan: No. O.G.!

Me. Me.

I can whip up something for you in, like,

mmm, no time.

Myles: What's he saying?

Charlie: He's saying he could write your speech for you.

Myles: Ah. Dylan: Exactly!

I'm sayin' I got you!

As a young rapper-- Young Dylan--

you ain't got to worry about nothin'.

Now, what rhymes with Yasmine?

Mmm, raspin'?

Mmm. I don't know. Um--

Ooh, has been, has been.

Let me put that in. That's a great--

Myles: Mm-mmm, mm-mmm.

Yeah, this is a speech, not a rap, ok?

There's no rhymes in speeches.

Dylan: Ain't you ever heard of the "I have a dream" speech?

Myles: Yeah. That speech didn't rhyme.

Dylan: No, but that dude got flow.

Rebecca: Did you just call Dr. Martin Luther King

"dude"?

Myles: Uh, Dylan, no, thank you.

Appreciate the offer, though.

I'm gonna go finish writing my speech upstairs.

Um, Rebecca? Rebecca: Huh?

Myles: I need you to keep an eye on them.

I'm gonna give the caterer your number.

And, guys,

your mother left me in charge,

so don't mess this up.

Rebecca: Ok, you heard him. I'm in charge,

and I'm not taking my eyes off of you two for one second,

not even if-- [phone vibrates]

[gasps] Smelly Kelly's wearing orange?

Dylan: What the--

She is gonna stop talking in the middle of a sentence

and walk off like that?

Charlie: She does that sometimes.

Dylan: Yo, that's mad rude.

Charlie: You'll get used to it.

Dylan: Yo, Chuck, what's this?

What's a "parental lock"?

Charlie: Oh. My parents put that on there

so we can't watch bad movies. You need the code.

Dylan: Well, what's the code?

Charlie: I don't know. I'll go ask my dad.

Dylan: Charlie, no!

How do you not know? You've got to be looking

over their shoulders when they type this stuff.

Charlie: Oh. Dylan: I got it.

Watch this. ---

Charlie: Ka-caw! Ka-caw!

Dylan: Chill! What are you doing?

Charlie: The signal. Dylan: What signal?

Rebecca: I assume for me?

Charlie: Hide it, hide it, hide it.

Dylan: Oh, hey, sis. We weren't even--

Rebecca: Don't care, and don't call me sis.

The caterers are here.

[French accent] Man: Hello, young miss.

I am here from ze catering company and--

Rebecca: Kitchen table. You know what to do.

Man: Ok. Just go grab the food

from the van and, um, ok.

Dylan: Hey, sis.

Hey, Cousin Rebecca!

Rebecca: What's up? Dylan: Please, please,

please tell me I get to bust up some of this food.

Rebecca: Yeah. It's expensive, but my mom

always orders way too much, so go nuts.

Dylan: Yes!

Man: Ahem. Uh,

we have some more to grab. Ahem. Uh, ok.

Come, come. Come.

Dylan: Finally, some food worthy

of a young rap guy like myself.

This is how I should be eatin'.

Yo!

What is this?

Rebecca: Fancy food.

Dylan: A little tomato stuffed with a piece of green? Ugh!

Rebecca: That's a walking salad.

Dylan: And what is this?

It looks like brown goop

on a piece of cr*cker.

Ugh!

Charlie: Oh, my dad loves the brown goop.

Dylan: And Aunt Yas is paying them for this trash?

Man, these guys are crooks.

I mean, look at this.

I wouldn't feed this to a stray dog.

Charlie: Yeah! [coughs]

Dylan: And if this was my house,

I would tell these clowns to take their walking salads

and walk on outta here!

Kick rocks! You're fired!

Charlie: Yeah! [coughing]

Rebecca: Charlie.

Go do your breathing exercises.

It doesn't matter if you like the food.

It's for my mom's bosses.

Dylan: Oh... So, she hates them?

Rebecca: No!

Dylan: So she's trying to get fired?

Rebecca: No! Dylan: Charlie?

Rebecca: Aah! Dylan: Ooh.

Rebecca: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

Charlie: Tossing this junk in the trash.

Dylan: Charlie, why?!

Charlie: You said it was dog food

and the caterers are a bunch of crooks, so I fired them.

Dylan: Oh. Ahem.

Rebecca: You what?

Charlie: This is my house!

So I sent them packing!

You're welcome.

Rebecca: Charlie!

I have to get them back!

Charlie: That's unlikely.

I told them to take their nasty food

and get out of here! Dylan: Ha ha!

Yeah, that was pretty nasty food.

I got to say, little dude,

I'm impressed.

What are you doing?

Charlie: We'll work on that later.

Rebecca: Great! They're gone.

How could you do this, Charlie?

Mom is gonna k*ll Dad, and Dad's gonna k*ll me,

and guess who I'm going to k*ll.

Grr!

Dylan: Ok, ok, ok.

Let's chill with all that m*rder talk.

Your boy Y.D. got a plan.

Rebecca: Great.

Dylan: All we need to do is make our own dinner,

and I guarantee it'll be way better

than that nasty brown goop they were slingin'.

Rebecca: I don't know how to cook.

And besides, tomorrow's grocery day.

There's, like, no food in the house.

Dylan: Are you kidding me?

There's more food in here than I seen

in my kitchen in a year!

Rebecca: What, cornflakes

and old jars of pickles?

Dylan: Girl, I've been cooking for myself

from an empty cupboard since I was .

I'm almost as good at that as I am at rapping,

and you know I got bars.

Charlie: Yeah! Dylan: Not now.

I'll whip up some of my greatest hits,

and y'all are gonna help me.

Now, hand me those cornflakes and find me some cheese.

Rebecca: This is a terrible idea.

Charlie: We could just tell Dad what happened.

Rebecca: I think there's some, um,

shredded cheddar in the back of the fridge.

Dylan: Perfect.

Rebecca: Ooh! Oh!

Chef!

These cornflake nachos are starting to smoke.

Dylan: Good. Once the smoke gets nice

and thick, that means they're done.

How's it going with those pickled dogs?

Charlie: I'm almost out of maple syrup.

Dylan: Well, make it stretch.

Rebecca: Dylan, are you sure any of this is going to taste ok?

Dylan: Pshh! No doubt.

Rebecca: Oh! That's my Dad!

[Dylan grunts]

Rebecca: He can't come in here! He'll freak!

Dylan: Chill, chill! I'm on it!

Just keep stirring.

Myles: Hello-o!

Hello, hello, hello-- hey, hey, hey, what's going on?

What--uh, oh.

You--you guys made this?

Dylan: Yeah. Just a little sum sum for auntie.

Myles: That's nice. [Dylan grunts]

Heh heh! Um, Uncle M,

shouldn't you be upstairs, finishing your speech?

Myles: Oh, no, no. Finally done.

Dylan: What? For real? Myles: Mm-hmm.

Hot off the press. Yes.

And, uh, there's gonna be tears. Oh, yeah.

What's going on with the caterers?

I hope they brought my brown stuff.

[Dylan grunts] No, Unc.

Maybe you should let me hear that speech,

you know, make sure you're actually comin' with that heat.

Myles: Yeah. All right, all right.

Check this out. Ahem.

[clears throat loudly]

"Yasmine, my wife,

"my beautiful flower,

like the rose, your beauty and your strength know no end."

Dylan: Ok, dawg!

I'mma have to stop you right there.

So she won an award, right?

Myles: Yes.

Dylan: So why are you talking about gardening?

Myles: No, no, it's not about gardening.

It's a metaphor.

Dylan: Meta for what,

bad?

Don't worry.

I got you. Here.

Just a little sum sum I came up with while I was cookin'.

Myles: Cookin'? Cookin' what?

Dylan: Oh! Um,

it's slang for "Cookin' up those lyrics."

You know this already. Myles: Ok.

Dylan: Never mind. Just listen.

[rapping] Let me tell you a little sum about my wife

and how lucky I am she's in my life.

Myles: Uh, no. No, I'm not gonna do it.

Not about to rap to my wife's boss. Thank you.

Dylan: Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Myles: Boy, get out of my way.

You don't want to get between me and my goop, ok?

Thank you-- Dylan: No, no, no.

Yasmine: * We're here

Myles: Hey. Yasmine: Wow.

Hi, sweetie.

Myles: Hi. She's talking to me.

Yasmine: Hmm. Smells so interesting.

Oh, you know Mrs. Whitaker.

Myles: Hi. Good to see you again, Mrs. Whitaker.

Mrs. Whitaker: Martin, so good to see you again.

Myles: Well, it's-- it's Myles. Heh!

Mrs. Whitaker: And you must be Charlie.

You look just like I remember. [chuckles]

Dylan: You're gonna have to put that on pause.

My name is Young Dylan.

Yasmine: Mrs. Whitaker, this is my nephew, Dylan.

He's staying with us for a while.

But why don't you all make yourself at home

while I check in with Myles and the caterers?

Myles: Welcome, welcome.

Yasmine: Yes. Myles: All right.

Yasmine: And, Dylan, don't you have something to do?

Dylan: Not really.

Myles: Look at that! You got a trophy.

Look at this trophy. Oh, my gosh.

I'm so proud of you. Yasmine: Thank you.

Was there any problems with the caterers?

Myles: Oh, no, no, not at all. Not on my watch.

Charlie: Coming through. Who's hungry?

Yasmine: Charlie, what are you doing?

Charlie: Passing apps. Yasmine: No, I mean,

why are you passing them and not the caterers?

What is on that tray?

Charlie: Pickle dogs.

Yasmine: Pickle--Myles, what is going on?

Myles: That's a very good question.

Charlie, what's going on?

Charlie: Well, don't panic,

but there was a small problem with the caterers.

Yasmine: What is wrong with them?

Charlie: Well... Don't worry about it.

I fired them. Yasmine: You what?!

Myles: Heh! Yeah!

Yasmine: I need to talk to you in the kitchen, please.

Myles: Charlie, you better go.

Yasmine: I was talking to you.

Dylan: That's why the best investment

you can make is in today's youth.

Matter of fact, what's your number?

Mrs. Whitaker: Uh, my phone number?

Dylan: Yeah, so I can send you some tracks I've been workin' on.

Rebecca: Oh, hey, Mom.

Yasmine: What happened? Rebecca: Ok, look,

I was dealing with the caterers, and I took my eyes off Charlie

for, like, two seconds, and he went and fired them all and

threw all the food in the trash. Myles: In the trash?

Was there brown stuff? Yasmine: Wait, wait.

Why are you dealing with the caterers?

Rebecca: Dad said I was grounded if I didn't.

Yasmine: Oh! Really?

Myles: Well, you know, I--I wasn't, you know,

I mean, and then--pshh!

You are so beautiful.

Charlie: Hey, Becks, we need more pickle dogs ASAP.

Mrs. Whitaker is dying to try the cornflake nachos.

Yasmine: Uh, I'm sorry. What?

Charlie: Which part, pickle dogs or nachos?

Yasmine: You mean Mrs. Whitaker

actually ate one of those things?

Charlie: No, she ate .

Dylan: I'm telling you, man,

that's all you need to do. Boom!

Instant cash flow.

Mrs. Whitaker: Is somebody writing this down? Heh!

Yasmine: Is Dylan bothering you, Mrs. Whitaker?

Mrs. Whitaker: Oh, I have to say I find your nephew delightful.

Yasmine: And the food is...edible?

Mrs. Whitaker: Oh, honestly,

I had never even heard

of a pickle dog in my life,

but I got to say, I kinda love 'em.

[chuckles] Dylan: It's a hit.

Yasmine: Really?

Mrs. Whitaker: Dylan's been telling us how he

and his cousin prepared the dinner.

Yasmine: Yeah. I'm sorry about that. I--

Mrs. Whitaker, chuckling: No, I love it.

Yasmine: Oh! Ha ha ha!

Oh, thank you.

Mrs. Whitaker: I can't tell you how many

of these catered dinners I've been to, and it's

always the same food.

Heh! Followed by the same speech

about a...baby bird

or a flower blooming in spring.

[both laugh]

Mrs. Whitaker: Oh, sorry.

Martin, you didn't have a speech, did you?

Yasmine: Well, yes.

Myles wanted to say a few words.

Myles: Ahem. Yasmine: And I am sure you can

expect a little more than birds and flowers,

right, sweetie?

Myles: Of course. Yep, yeah, yeah. No.

I mean, you know, my speech doesn't involve,

like, not one flower. Not a single flower, yeah.

Yeah, my--my speech...

is different.

Yep.

It's, uh,

it's--let me...

"Let me tell you a little something about my wife

and how lucky I am she's in my life."

Mrs. Whitaker: Sweet.

"There's so much to spit--there's

"so much to say,

"but I'll try to be quick

"when I tell you about

'dis real bad chick."

"Darling, you're incredible.

"They should make a movie,

and I ain't never seen a realtor with such a fine--"

Yasmine: Honey! Ha ha ha ha!

Sweetie, that was good.

Myles: Yes. Dylan?

Dylan: That was some of the best writing I ever heard.

You're a genius.

Myles: Mm-hmm. Yasmine: Heh heh!

You wrote about me being a flower, didn't you?

Myles: Whole garden.

Charlie: Excuse me. Yasmine: Oh.

Who's up for some more cornflake nachos?

Mrs. Whitaker: Ooh.

Yo,

I'm 'bout to bust that up.

Dylan: Get it, girl!

Yeah!

Dylan: Goin' for that brown stuff?

Myles: Heh!

Goin' for the brown stuff.

Dylan: A'ight.

You do you.

Myles: Yeah.

Brown stuff.