09x25 - Silver Lining

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot
of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

So no matter what
anyone else says,

watch out, Taurus,
because corn is not
your vegetable.

Now, for the Geminis.

Life should start getting
easier for you, today.

Keep your eyes open.

Soon you'll be seeing
things more clearly.

And remember, Gemini,
your color is blue,

and your lucky number
is .

Remember, .

Gemini, being the
sign of the twins...

...you often do the work
of two people...

...but get half
the appreciation.
Boy, oh, boy.

What?

If I've told Florence once
I've told her times

to keep this door closed
when she's not at home.

Where is she?

Oh, there she is.
What you doing
out there?

Whale watching.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Florence.
Hi, Florence.

So how did
the auction go?

Great.

We raised a lot of money
for the Help Center.

Yeah, but you know,
those auctions are
thirsty work.

Yeah. How 'bout some
lemonade, Florence?

Oh, sounds good.
It's on the top shelf
of the refrigerator.

Okay, okay. I forgot
you can't reach it.

Well, g*ng, we made
quite a haul, didn't we?

Yeah, the only problem
we had was with this hat.

Weezy, look, you must've
donated this by mistake.

Uh, right.

I guess I put it
in the box of junk

that we were
supposed to donate

instead of the box of junk
we were supposed to keep.

But don't you
remember this hat?

This is the one
I gave to you

on our honeymoon
in Coney Island.

How could I forget?

Let's see if
it still fits.

Hey, it did!

Now run.

Well, now,
the hat is nice.

But, I think I got the
steal of the auction.
GEORGE: Mmm-hmm.

Oh, when Helen gets back
from visiting her mother,
she'll go crazy over this.

Don't you think so, Louise?

Well, if I had to
look at that every day,
I'd certainly go crazy.

Ah, thanks, Louise.

I just love
a good auction.

Well, it's competition
in its purest form.

Think about it.
Right.

I mean, squaring off,
face to face,
wallet to wallet.

Bidding against people
you don't even know,

for something
you don't even want.

Right.
That's living it.

Tell me about it.

Did you see
all those people

I suckered into
bidding against me?

If that jerk
in the leisure suit

had bid just
one more time,

well, he would have
been stuck with
this monstrosity.

Yeah, you really
suckered him in.

Oh, gee.
Thanks, George.

Oh, but he was
a pretty good sport
about it, though.

Oh, yeah.

When you took out
the $ to pay for it,
he d*ed laughing.

Well...

Well, you know, Tom,

maybe you did carry
this auction thing
a little too far.

I mean, when you
started bidding at
the hot dog stand.

Oh. No, Louise,
I couldn't help
myself.

When the vendor
said cents,

I just had to
up him to .

And then when
he went to ,

well, I had to raise him
to a dollar and a half.

Well, that shut him up.

Well, I tell you one thing.
We made a lot of money
for the Help Center.

Oh, we sure did buy
a lot of junk.

GEORGE: Well...
I'm afraid I'm going to
have to throw out

some of this stuff.
GEORGE: Oh, Weez.

I mean like,
now, take this coat
for instance.

Now, what poor soul
would even bother
to wear this?

Hey, that's a nice coat.

You really like this?

No. But it sure
beats the one
I've got now.

Oh.
How much do you
want for it?

I'll start the
bidding at $.

Willis, Willis, we're
not at the auction.

Oh, I know, I know.

I just can't
stop bidding.

I've just got
to wind down.
Relax, relax.

Just mellow out,
mellow out, mellow.

Mellow.

Florence, you can have
the coat for cents.

Twenty-five cents!

All right!
This must be
my lucky day.

You know, the radio said
was my lucky number,

and here I am
getting this coat
for cents.

Ain't that great?

Oh, listen, Florence.
There are a lot of
great things here.

Well, like this
hat for instance.

Oh, that is nice.

Mmm.

How do I look?

Hey, you know
Jayne Kennedy?

Yeah.

You look just like
the guy she married.

All right,
who paid for this?
Me.

It figures. How much
do you want for it?

For that thing?
You could have that.

I don't need no charity.

Oh! Well, in that case,
give me a nickel.

Good. Now at least
I have my dignity.

Hmm.

So what do you think?

There goes
your dignity.

You know,
it feels kind of tight.

Oh, maybe
it's a little small.

Or maybe
your head's too big.

Maybe you can
take out the lining.

Yeah, it is
kind of bunched up.

Hey, something's
stuck in here.

It's a $ bill!

Why, it's amazing!
It's incredible!

It's got friends.

Twenty-two, , , .

$.

Two-thousand-
five-hundred dollars.

Two-hundred
and-fifty-thousand
pennies.

And no matter
which way you say it,
it's mine!

Congratulations,
Florence.

Thanks, Miss Jefferson.

You know, it's like
the good book says,

"The Lord works
in mysterious ways.

"The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want."

And the Lord sure
is a good shepherd,

because he just dropped
big ones on me.

All right,
Florence.

You know, this is even better
than winning in a game show.

At least
you don't have to
jump up and down

and make a fool
of yourself.

I'm rich! I'm rich!

Well, she didn't
have to do that.

Yes, but I know
where she's coming from.

You know, this reminds me
of a hot summer day,
when I was a mere lad of .

Willis, can't you
remember this to yourself?

Sure, but then
it wouldn't be

any fun
for you guys.
Oh.

Well, anyway, I was
a pretty rambunctious,
adventuresome scamp.

But the humidity
was up that day,

so I thought
it would be safer

to play quietly
in the basement.

Well, while I was there,

I found Grandmother's
old steamer trunk.

And rummaging through it,
I found an old
stock certificate.

Well, there was no telling
how much it was worth
after all those years.

And then upon
further investigation,

do you know
what I found?

It was worth
a lot of money?

No!

It was wrapped around
a perfectly good can
of cling peaches.

You know, all these years
I've been knowing you,

you never told us
that story.

Oh, I'm sorry,
George.

Don't apologize.

Well, now,
if you'll excuse me.

I'm going to
call Helen

and tell her
all the excitement.

Oh, she's going
to love this.

Oh, Florence,
congratulations.

And remember,
don't spend your money
all in one place,

or you'll regret it.

Again, I know where
you're coming from.

Then go there.
What?

Yep, $,.

You know the first thing
I'm gonna do?

What?

Tomorrow
I'm gonna stick this
all in the bank.

I've always wanted to
have a bank book that said
"Florence Johnston, $,."

Well, that's
a wise thing to do.

And then I'm gonna take
a chunk out and blow it,

'cause that's
the fun thing to do.

Look, Florence, let me
give you a little advice
about money.

How to
keep it safe.

You want to
put it someplace

where nobody would dare
want to touch it.

Where?

Keep it on yourself.

George!

That's okay,
Miss Jefferson.

Look, all I know is that

now I can go into a store
and be what I've always
wanted to be.

Yeah, what is that?
A consumer.

Ah!

Oh, wait a minute,

you won't be able to spend
any of that money for a while.

What you talking about
"for a while"?

Well, I just remembered.

When you find money
your supposed to
turn it over to the police.

The police?

Why drag
the police into this?
They got enough problems.

Because it's the law.

The rightful owners have to
have a chance to claim it.

What about the other law?

"Finders keepers,
losers weepers"?

We don't know
who donated
these clothes,

but whoever it was,
obviously made a mistake.

I don't think so,
Mrs. Jefferson.

I mean, if somebody rich
took $,,

stuck it in a hat,
and donated it to
a rummage sale,

obviously they wanted it
to go to the poor.

And it worked out perfect,
because I'm poor.

Aren't you rationalizing?

No. I'm trying to figure out
how to keep the money.

Well, Florence, I think
you know in your heart
what you have to do.

Oh, Weezy.
You don't have to
worry about her.

Look, she's
a church-going
woman.

Look, let me give you
God's point of view,
okay?

Okay, first of all,
he didn't give you
no looks,

he didn't give you
no talent...
LOUISE: Oh.

...he give you no man.

So what he did,
he took $,,

put it in this hat
and sent it down and said,

"Here, Florence,
I'm sorry."

Thank you, Lord.

I accept your apology.

Look, I know
it's easy for me to say,

but I really think
you should turn in
that money.

You're right,
Miss Jefferson.

Good, Florence.

It is easy
for you to say.

All right,
enough said.

It is your choice.

Come on, George.
Oh, Weez.

Keep the money.

Hello, operator.

Would you connect me
to the police?

I want to report some
money I found.

Oh, finally!

All right, Florence.
There are no burglars,
no muggers.

And there's
no reason for us
to keep acting like this.

Now, will you
come on in here!

What is the...

Now, Florence,
just relax.

Now, you waited
the legal amount
of time,

the police
turned the money
over to you.

Now it's yours to keep.

Well, you can never
be too careful.

I mean, you saw what
that woman did to me
on the subway.

She only asked you
for the time.

Sure, today the time,

tomorrow my money.

Florence, relax.

You got money now.

You shouldn't
be worrying over
every nickel and dime.

Hey, Weez, do you have to
have your teeth cleaned
every year?

I'm sorry, George.

The next time
we go through
a car wash,

I'll just stick my head
out of the window and smile.

See? Y'all are used
to having money.

This is all new to me.

I mean. For all I know
I could be robbed,
mugged, lose it.

For all I know,
it could be a bunch
of freeloaders

right outside
that door

waitin' with
their hands out.

Don't be silly, Florence.

Nobody wants your money.

Well, maybe
you're right.

I mean, who would
be low enough

to want to take money
from somebody like me.

Hello, Florence.

My, you look
lovely today!

Flowers for you.

For me?

Well, from who?
Read the card.

Me.

From you? Why?

No reason
in particular.

I just feel it's important
every once in a while

to give to those
who have nothing.

I'm sure if you had
the wherewithal,

you'd give freely, too.
Read the card. Me.

You didn't hear
about her windfall?

Windfall?

I had no idea.
When did this happen?

How did it happen?

Did you check
the whole hat?

So, you did hear
about her money.

Yeah, and the
only reason

you brought me
these flowers

is because you want
something from me.

To think
I came up here to
do you a favor,

and you slap me in the face
with your distrust.

I'm sorry, Ralph.

I guess I'm just
a little edgy.

Well, I only
came up here

to warn you
about the parasites,

the blood suckers,
and the leeches that
are after your money.

But you've obviously become
so callous and hardened

you can't even
recognize friends.

Well I'm sorry
again, Ralph.

How can I make it
up to you?

You can lend me $,.

Mr. Jefferson?

Well, you've
seen me in action.

Right.

Well, see, Florence.
You did it.

You got past the police.
And most of all
you got past Ralph.

Now all the money
is all yours.

What now?

GEORGE: Oh, God.

I'll just take these back
to the pet cemetery.

Now, Florence,
what are you going to do
with all that money?

Well, I had a couple
of thoughts.

I know I've only got
so much money,

so it's important that
I only get the things
I need.

Well, you could
make out a list.

Oh, I did.
It's on the desk.

Oh.

Well, all I see is
the Bloomingdale's catalog.

That's the list.

Oh, and plus, a few other
little odds and ends
that I have here.

Florence,
I really don't think
you need a helicopter.

Yeah, and I don't think
you need a yacht, either.

Oh, half the fun
was making up the list.

I know $, ain't
gonna buy all that.

But, it will
buy me enough
to make me happy.

You're right, Florence.
Pamper yourself.

You deserve it.

You know, I think I may get
a whole new wardrobe.

I'd like to see how it feels
to wear some other label
besides "irregular".

Or you could
go on a trip.
Yeah.

I could go someplace
I've never been before.

Right, how about
the laundry room?

You've ain't
never been there.

George!

Oh, that's okay,
Miss Jefferson.
It don't matter.

You know, all my life
I've been looking
in store windows,

watching other folks
get things that I wanted.

Now, for the first time,
I can be on the inside
looking out.

And you know something?
Is sure feels good.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to
take these $ bills
into the bedroom

and tell each one of them
what they're going to do
for me.

Oh, George, you know,
it's so nice seeing
Florence this happy.

Oh, hello.
Can I help you?

God, I hope so.

My name is
Shirley Schneider,

and I'm looking for
Louise Jefferson.

Are you she?

Yes. Why?

Do you work at the
neighborhood Help Center?

Yes. Why?

Were you involved in the
Help Center auction?

Let me handle this, Weez.

Yes. Why?

My hero.

Please come in,
Mrs. Schneider.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I'm afraid there's
been an awful mistake.

You see, I've been
out of the country.

And when I got back,
I discovered
my daughter

had inadvertently
given your organization

some clothing
that I didn't want
to part with.

Yes. Why?

Uh, George,
that no longer applies.

Oh.

Mrs. Schneider,
what about these clothes?

Well, I know it's
an unorthodox request,

but I would like to
ask for them back.

Oh, well, you'll
have to describe them.

Oh, oh, certainly.

The hat was a wine cloche
with a grosgrain band,

and it had a red silk flower
pinned to one side.

Oh! And the flower
was missing one petal.

Can you be
a little more specific?

Yes.

Inside was a wad of dough
that would choke a horse.

Specific...
Look here.

Here is a snapshot of me
wearing both
the hat and the coat.

You call
that proof?

Yes, we have
the coat and hat.

Splendid.

You also have the money?

Yes, we have that, too.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Describe the money.

It was green.

Just checking,
just checking.

It's okay, Weez.
She's on the level.

Uh, Mrs. Schneider,
you must understand.

We didn't just
take the money.

We went to
the police first.

And then nobody claimed it,
so they turned it over to us.

That's nice.

Can I have it?

Well, our maid,
Florence, is the one

who bought your clothes
and your money.

She's in her bedroom.
Won't you have a seat?

Oh, all right.

Uh, Florence!

How do you think she's
going to take this?

Just think about somebody
trying to grab a steak

out of a Doberman
Pinscher's mouth.

Oh, Florence, I would
like you to meet...

Oh. Shirley Schneider.
How do you do?

Hello.

Uh, Florence, do you
remember that old saying,

"The best things
in life are free?"

Yes, why?

Good. See this dollar?

See this dollar bill?

Just imagine ,
of these, right?

Watch.

No!

I'm sorry, Florence.

Look,
I waited the legal time,
and the money's mine.

Well, legally it is.

Good. Then forward
my mail to Tahiti.

Florence, Mrs. Schneider
was out of the country.

And she's just
found out about
all this.

How do I know
the clothes are hers?

She described
everything perfectly.

Even down to
the color of
the money.

Well, I guess
this is it.

Goodbye,
video-tape-recorder.

Goodbye,
designer clothes.

Goodbye, bunion surgery.

We'll go and get
the coat and hat.

Here you are.

I know how difficult
this is.

It's more difficult
than I ever imagined.

And I want you to know
how much I appreciate
your integrity.

In fact, I want to show you
how much I appreciate it.

Would you accept
a cash reward?

Well...

Yes!

How does % sound?

Well, it sounds like $,
which is fine with me.

Two hundred fifty?

My dear, may I suggest
you check your arithmetic.

Why, ain't
% of ,?

Yes.
Well, that's what
was in the hat.

The hat?

You mean...

You haven't
checked the coat?

Oh!

That's where I kept
the rest of my ,.

Twenty-five thousand!

And % of that
is ,.

I don't
believe it!

Oh, now I can get
my video-tape-recorder!

And your
designer clothes!

And brain surgery.

George, that's
bunion surgery.

Well, she might as well
fix everything
at the same time.

Oh, listen,
I want to thank you.

I want to thank you
for everything.

No, I'm the one
who thanks you.

I'm so happy!

I'll even help you
pick up your %.

It's a deal.

Ah! You know
something, Weez?

It might be
a little expensive,

but I think
I found out the way

to get Florence
to clean the floor.