04x01 - Soulmate Wanted

[bunniefuu]

Well done, Granville.

I'm glad you're becoming aware of the p-powers of advertising.

Oh, I am, I am.

You've got to get purr-people.

Not only poor people, rich people and all.

You've got to get purr-people grabbing for what you've got.

You're mother knew how.

I've got the blood of poets and lovers in my veins.

Yes, and at least one electrician.

Granville, f-fetch your cloth.

That's not how you spell ''errand boy''.

Hey! There you are, M-Mr Halliwell, that's 1 2p change.

Pity we c-couldn't take the whole pound, but never mind, we came pretty close.

Here, that's me bus fare.

You don't want that and all?

Well, the exercise would do you good, you know.

You'd return home all slim and irresistible to increase by no end the quality of life for Mrs Halliwell.

Believe you me, that's no tempting offer.

D-did you get a good look at them, as they went past?

-Good look at what?

-Them old clothes.

Was there anybody in?

I have never even seen him, yet, you know?

Every morning that b-bundle of old clothes comes in pretending to b-be Mr Halliwell.

Still, I suppose, as long as they're s-spending money.

Why are you standing there c-clutching each bottle?

Oh, I don't think I'm getting anywhere with the milk woman.

-At two pints a day, what can you expect?

-I know.

-I offered to show her a good time.

-Well, you can p-please yourself, can't you?

-Come 9:00 at night, the day's your own.

-I know.

I thought, ''Do your room up, Granville.

'' You know, ''Get yourself some really punchy hi-fi.

''Find a nice coordinated colour scheme, you know, to distract the eye ''from all those rotten old boxes of lavatory cleaner you keep storing up there.

'' There's money in them lavatory cleaners, Granville.

-They've g-got to be stored somewhere.

-Why can't you store them in the lavatory?

You can't store lavatory cleaners in a lavatory.

That would be unhyge-genic.

It has to be your room, Granville.

Yeah, and there goes my image down the toilet.

I offered to go to her place.

Told her, ''Look what we've got in common.

'' There's only me, her and those old clothes called Halliwell that gets up this early in the morning.

When I was a lad, early was a lot earlier than it is now.

-We had no t-time to go broody.

-What, even during puberty?

Puberty?

There was no such thing as puberty when I was a lad.

Aw, it hadn't been invented.

We went straight from childhood into heavy labour.

There wasn't a p-p-pube in sight.

No.

Hey, remember, this was the age of the solid rubber tile, lad.

We didn't get time to get c-c-cosseted.

Cosseted! You call this cosseted?

I've heard about you s-sneaking round behind the back of that Essoldo, desperate for a quick cosset.

By the time we close the shop, it's all been snapped up.

You want to see what's left by the time I get there.

I mean, the real rubbish.

It's a relief when they turn you down.

What did you do when you were my age, then?

Come on, now, be honest.

Well, the girls used to press flowers and the boys they used to suck extra strong mints.

Of course, s-sometimes we used to try p-pressing the girls while they were pressing the flowers.

But you had to be very careful.

I once got stuck in the album doing that.

Here, just a minute.

No, no, are you going to charge me for that?

No, I'm not gonna charge.

I'm gonna p-p-put it back into stock.

Wait a minute, now that pack is going to be shorter than the others.

Well, I'll take one out of all the others.

Errand boys that come here trying to t-teach me my business.

Why is it that some mints have holes in them?

They say so you can get your tongue around the flavour of more of the per-per-per-per.

More of the per-per-p-pee-per-per p-per-p-peppermint.

It doesn't work with me, though.

I still can't get me tongue around it.

ARKWRIGHT: By, that's a t-tonic.

-Pity it's only available on per-prescription.

-Stand back.

I haven't time this morning for wrestling with grocers.

-Couldn't you m-make time?

-There'll be time when we're married.

When I've smartened you up a bit improved your moral standards and started teaching you this foreign language.

-What f-foreign language?

-It's called spending money.

-I can s-spend money when I have to.

-I meant without an anaesthetic.

When are we g-going to get married?

You know, I'd do anything to you.

For you.

I'll even shut the shop early.

Well, fairly early.

You know I can't whilst me mother needs me.

-How is your mother?

-She's fine.

Yeah, typical.

No consideration for other people.

Don't be rotten.

I'm only joking.

I hope she lives till she's 80.

-She is 80.

-Oh, what a coincidence.

-You're evil.

-Impatient, that's all, impatient.

-So is your Granville apparently.

-Our Granville?

What?

I'm told he's advertising in this week's issue of one of them Lonely Hearts magazines.

He's d-d-doing wh-whatever?

I don't know what you're eating in that shop, but I should start taking roughage with it.

I'll g-give him roughage, don't you worry.

Listen, it's none of our business if the lad wants to advertise for a soulmate.

He'll get my heel and s-sole, mate.

Now, listen, Granville.

Come in, why don't you?

-Gr-Gr-Gr.

-Don't shout at him.

Sh-Shout at him?

I c-can't even pronounce him.

-What have I done?

-Nothing, love.

Come.

I've told you, it's none of our business.

You do not interfere with that lad.

Especially on my say so.

I don't want him thinking I run around tale-tattling.

-Forget it, drop it.

-You d-drop it.

You'll be tattling my tail if you're not careful.

''Young executive in the r-retail trade ''with own flat and the firm's transport s-seeks lady companion.

'' Oh, G-Granville.

''Generous nature more im-important than looks.

''Experience not necessary if willing to learn.

'' So, th-that's his caper, is it?

Right.

If he wants a woman, I'll g-get him a woman.

The widow Featherstone.

And what can we do for you that's b-brisk and impersonal and not necessarily inexpensive?

Oh, it'll be inexpensive.

I never waste me money.

We've got a lot in common.

You're the only other one I know with a wonderful non-spending way about you.

-Oh, j-just a mask.

-You don't have to be modest, not with me.

Not with Delphine Featherstone, who's always admired every move you've never made.

-Yes, well, M-Mrs Featherstone.

-Call me Delphine.

D-Delphine.

We've got some tinned fruit called that somewhere.

It's not an invitation I flash about lightly.

No, n-no, no.

Even your husband used to call you Mrs Featherstone.

I'm not one for familiarity.

But, then, acquisitiveness such as yours always undermines the resistance of the maturer woman.

-I hear them gossiping about you.

-Oh, it's a lie.

''That, Arkwright,'' they say, ''rock hard and mean.

'' You must be very proud the way they all look up to you.

Are we alone?

No.

No, we're not alone, no.

I have men here.

I have m-men working in thein thein the cellar.

Men working.

(ARKWRIGHT THUMPING HIS FEET) There they are.

Can you hear them their thu-thumping?

-What are they doing?

-I told you, they're thumping.

They're over there now.

Keep it down, will you, please?

I'm trying to serve up here.

That stopped them.

I can't stand here gossiping, M-Mrs Featherstone.

I must go and s-see how they're getting on, you see.

-What about my two small baps?

-No, it's nothing like that.

It's nothing personal, at all.

No, I'm sure they're lovely.

It's just I've g-got to go and attend to the blokes, you see.

-But I came in for two small baps.

-Oh, I see, oh.

The bread man hasn't been, yet.

I'll s-send the lad round for them later.

Bring them yourself, why don't you?

You being self-employed and your own master.

You'll see how clean I am domestically.

-It may not be new, but how it sparkles.

-Oh, there's a novelty.

It'll be a change to have a man about the house.

My husband, may he rest in peace, belonged only marginally to that category.

(THUMPING HIS FEET) Where's he going?

I saw him out of the window.

I've never seen him go out in daylight.

And stay out! Now, bog off, you crummy pair.

And don't come back till you've learned how to treat a lady.

-You're just what I'm looking for.

-And you can watch your gob.

Listen, how would you like to bring a bit of colour into the life of a young executive?

Is he serious?

He soon will be.

He'll be on the c-critical list.

(ARKWRIGHT WHISTLING HAPPILY) # I'm gonna help s-someb-body # As I pa.

As I p-p-p-pass along # -You've won something.

-I haven't w-won anything.

-You've found some money.

-I haven't f-found any money.

You haven't lost any, that's for sure.

Ah! You've overcharged somebody.

I haven't overch-ch-charged anybody.

For ages.

T-Tuesday, I think it was.

There's m-m-more to life than m-m-money, Granville.

(THUDDING) Oh, dear.

You've dropped your p-pastry trimmer.

Allow me.

Granville, they say, ''That boy's always dropping his p-pastry trimmer willy-nilly.

'' You're a willy-nilly pastry trimmer dropper.

You're up to something.

# I can help s-some ber-body.

# Yeah, whose bare body?

# As I per-per-per.

As I p-pass along # This is too frightening, this.

I'm going to take me orders.

No, don't go out on that b-big rough bike in this inclement weather.

Stay here where it's warm and the atmosphere is c-convivial.

# And my living will not be in v-v-vain (BELL TINKLING) # Then my living will not be # M-m-make a cup of tea, will you?

# in vain # ''M-m-make a cup of tea.

'' You're m-ma-making me nervous, I know that.

-Well, I've come to earn me money.

Is he in?

-Oh, yes.

Yes, he's in.

He's in for a surprise.

-Well, are you going to fetch him, then?

-Yes.

Oh, yes, I'm going to f-fetch him, madam.

You don't mind if I call you m-madam, do you, seeing as you are one?

Don't move, don't move.

J-just stay right where you are.

I want him always t-to remember you exactly how you are now.

G-Granville, there's, if you'll pardon the expression, -a lady outside w-wanting to see you.

-Me?

What does she want?

She said, ''Have you got a young executive on the premises?

'' She was w-waving a certain m-magazine.

Me ad! Me ad, it's worked.

God, look at.

Look at me.

Oh! Ernow.

Right, no.

-Is she attractive?

-She's very striking.

Striking?

No, I can't.

I can't go out there.

No.

Go on, tell her.

-Tell her I'm baking, will you?

Yes.

-Baking.

No, don't say baking! No.

Tell her I'm on the phone to Los Angeles.

Don't be silly, Granville.

P-pull yourself together.

Come on.

Tell her I've gone to hospital, you know.

I've executive stress.

Tell her it's a private hospital.

Tell her I always go private.

She'll.

Chuffing heck.

I like your voice.

Carries very well.

Oh, a smooth talker.

Oh, well, why do I always get the smooth talkers?

# If I can a-save a tea bag # As I p-pass along, then my lady.

# GRANVILLE: That's right.

(GRANVILLE CHUCKLING) I like the name Granville.

I love the name Michelle.

What lovely eyes.

They're so.

-So heavily made up?

-I love too much make-up.

Have a truffle.

Granville.

Michelle.

Sherbet dabs.

He actually f-f-fancies her.

Oh.

-Who's that with your Granville?

-Don't ask.

(BELL TINKLING) A customer and you never noticed.

-You what?

-Ye Gods, his mind's going.

-A customer's just gone in your shop.

-What shop?

A c-customer?

Why didn't you say so?

Well, it's your own fault, then, isn't it?

Getting him involved with an experienced woman like that.

It was a v-very good plan.

There was just one little f-factor I overlooked.

-And what was that?

-He's such a flaming idiot.

Oh, no.

-There's another little factor you overlooked.

-Oh?

W-what's that?

You're such a fla-flaming idiot.

I'll k*ll him.

Getting entangled with a w-woman like that.

Look, they can't be entangled yet.

They've only just met.

Yeah, he's j-just like his mother.

It never took her m-many minutes.

She'd see some flash herbert in a s-straw boater and a new dickie and wallop! She was there.

Don't be rotten about his mother, your own sister.

-She was too warm-hearted, that's all.

-Yeah, and not only her heart, either.

Many a r-roadmender's warmed his hands round her brassiere.

-Fast hussy she was.

-She was not fast.

Well, she c-covered a lot of ground.

Look, it'll all be over in a minute.

Your Granville will see how unsuitable that woman is.

He'll walk back through that door disappointed, with a long face.

Dead miserable.

Michelle! The name's like music.

It falls upon my ears like silvery bells.

I love her.

She's just the sort of girl I've always wanted.

Simple, natural, unaffected, no bra.

She's what I've been searching for all these years in the back numbers of the Playboy.

And in the corset adverts in all those catalogues.

Oh, it's you who's been looking through the c-corset catalogues, is it?

You t-tricky little swine.

You told me you were looking through the m-mail order catalogues f-for an electric toothbrush, didn't you?

I thought it was funny at the time.

It's not as if you've got electric teeth.

Calm down, now, calm down.

I've seen too many middle-aged men in bed as a result of getting over-emotional.

What sort of confession is that for an engaged person in front of an errand boy?

Executive.

Executive, if you don't mind, Uncle.

Leave the emotion to the younger generation, poised as we are on the brink of a whole new swinging lifestyle.

B-brink?

What b-brink are you poised on the brink of?

Michelle's coming here tonight to pick me up.

-What time?

-About quarter to brink.

# If I could d-d-date someb-b-body # Get yourself a tuning fork.

# Michelle, my belle # These are words that go together well # He-he-he's enjoying it.

-Of course he's enjoying it.

-He's no right to enjoy it at his age.

Look how old I am.

I'm only j-just beginning to enjoy it.

-And that very infrequently.

-Keep your voice down.

Oh, he can't hear me.

The state he's in, he's t-totally divorced from his ear holes.

I should know, I've been t-t-trying to get through to him all afternoon.

His b-brain is p-permanently on answer phone.

You have to leave him alone and let him work it out of his system.

I'll w-work it out of his system for him.

It'll come out in a funny place and all.

Look, he's going out with the woman.

She'll be here in a minute to pick him up.

There's nothing you can do about it.

(COINS CLINKING) So don't stand there nervously fiddling with your loose change.

Lord preserve us from frustrated grocers.

# I love you, I love you, I love you # I want to make you see # (GRANVILLE HUMMING) G-Granville, f-fetch a cloth.

I can't come now, I'm otherwise engaged.

Where are you?

Where are you, eh?

(BARKING) Me pants! Me pants! Me pants! -They've gone.

-ARKWRIGHT: Granville! G-G-Granville! There's a big dog, come and see it.

-A big dog going past with a p-pair of trousers.

-You what?

That's unusual, isn't it?

You don't often s-see a dog with trousers.

Hey, they must be my trousers.

-Quick.

Go on, get out after him.

Go on.

-Me?

I can't go out like this, can I?

Oh, heck! Where were you just now when I came into the shop?

I was b-b-behind them shelves.

Look, Granville, I can't go running about leaving the shop on some wild trouser chase.

What would a dog be doing coming in here and snatching my trousers, eh?

Well, it's obviously a retriever.

For trousers?

Well, how many rabbits is he gonna find around here?

-Can you describe the dog?

-Yes, it's the one with trousers.

I don't know why I bother to ask, do I?

Listen, could you get on the phone to the pub and say to Michelle not to come for another half an hour?

If she's already left, keep her here.

Treat her to rum truffles.

-She likes rum truffles.

-Yours look rum enough for anybody.

-Don't tell her that I've lost my trousers.

-Of c-course I won't.

I'll just tell her you've got a little behind.

Good boy, good dog.

Good evening, Mrs Featherstone.

Have you seen a dog?

I haven't reached my time of life by standing in dark alleyways talking to young male persons about dogs.

-With a pair of trousers?

-I knew it.

They're not two minutes nowadays before they're talking about trousers.

No.

No offence intended.

Keep away.

Ow! Ah! I'm sorry my head keeps hitting your umbrella.

Look at you! Where are your trousers?

-It's what I was trying to tell you.

-Keep away.

What possible interest could there be for me in your trousers?

No, please.

No, I can explain.

(CLOTH RIPPING) No, Michelle, no, he's not ill.

He's just asked me to p-pass on the message that he w-won't be able to make it tonight.

No, I mean, he won't be able t-to see you tonight.

No, s-someone else has come up.

Yeah, well, you must realise, Michelle, that you're just one of the irons he has in his fire.

You're just one of the p-p-pies he's got his finger in.

Yes.

Well, you see, if you've got irons in the fire and fingers in pies, you are b-b-bound to get burnt, and c-covered in gravy, yes.

No, I do understand, of course, that you're not used to being s-stood up.

No, quite the reverse, yes.

His mother was the same.

I tell you what, if you're at a l-loose end and I'm here at a loose end, why don't w-we meet up and tie them together?

Our loose ends, I mean, eh?

Well, I mean, would you consider an older man?

What do you mean, you c-can't imagine an older man?

I'm 57.

S-same age as a tin of baked beans.

What?

No?

Oh, well, that is.

That is your perog.

That is your p-p-per-perog Well, you can please yourself, can't you?

Yes.

Eh?

Tell him w-what?

Tell him to do what?

Well, I'll pass on the message, but if I c-cut out all the swearing, there won't be much of it left, will there?

Yes, and the same to yours.

Dear, dear.

No sign.

I was just att*cked by Mrs Featherstone.

That woman'll go for anything out of trousers.

All I got was the tip of her umbrella.

Hey, did you phone Michelle?

Yes, she's n-not coming.

-You what?

-She doesn't l-like being s-stood up.

Ohheck.

I know, I know.

She did leave a message.

I'll whisper it under your b-bedroom door later on.

It's certainly not a thing I could possibly repeat in daylight.

That's it then, isn't it, eh?

All my hopes dashed again, eh?

I don't know.

Back to the celibate life of an errand boy.

W-would you mind not being celibate on that crate?

There's pears in there.

Don't talk to me about pairs.

No more pairs for me.

Thought she was the one.

It was love at first sight.

It started with her sweater and, then, I gradually grew to love her bit by bit as we walked down the road.

Then she walked out of my life.

Round the corner into the oblivion of Stanley Street.

Hey, d-d-don't damage the g-g-goods, please.

I feel like a banana.

You look like a lemon.

Don't talk to me.

I don't want to talk to anyone.

-My heart is too full.

-So is your mouth.

Don't bolt that banana, you'll get wind.

You wouldn't care if I got wind.

You wouldn't care if I blew away.

You're a cynic.

You don't care about love.

All you care about is money.

It cost me £8.

50 for that advert, you know.

And all for what, eh?

Nothing.

''Young executive seeks lady companion.

Generous nature more important than looks.

'' -Yes.

-I've got the right place, then?

You've just walked into paradise.

Have a rum truffle.

You're lovely.

I'm not lovely.

Well, you're nearly lovely.

Oh, dear.

It's been quite an eventful day what with one thing and another.

Michelle after Granville for one thing, and Mrs Featherstone after me for the other.

I think that's what she was after me for.

As for Granville, he doesn't know what he wants.

Off he goes, deliriously happy with his new lady love.

Won't last.

Next week, he'll be back on ice lollies.

Odd little creature she looked.

Hidden depths.

As they left the shop, she called him ''Flower''.

I wonder if she meant plain or self-raising.