Congress Dances (1931)

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The Congress Dances

That damned sh**ting!

For three months one has heard
only this ''boom, boom, crash''!

Who's arriving today, Herr Mayor?

The King of Prussia.

Yesterday the King of Wurttemberg,

today the King of Prussia,

tomorrow Alexander of Russia!

Then all rulers of Europe
will be assembled in Vienna.

Heavenly!
- Terrible.

It costs 530.000 guldens daily.
I don't understand it!

Why does Europe's fate
have to be decided in Vienna?

Was this really necessary,
Herr Minister of Finance?

A congress in Vienna!

sh**ting and sneezing.
That's too much!

I caught the cold last Tuesday,
when I had to wait for three hours...

in the pouring rain for Talleyrand.

Frenchmen are only punctual
when women are concerned.

How would she know that?

Memories from my youth, my child.

Every night a celebration.

I wouldn't recognize a bed
even if I saw one.

I would.
- Would you?

His Excellency the chancellor,
Prince Metternich, would too.

Every morning at 10 o'clock
he asks us to come,

and at 12 o'clock
he's still having breakfast.

in his very highest bed,
the Herr Metternich.

Good morning, your Excellency!

I hope you had a good night's rest,
your Excellency!

What are your orders, your Excellency?
- Who's here, Pepi?

In the little assembly hall,
the entertainment committee.

Let me listen to that.
- Certainly, your Excellency.

Little assembly hall...

Here you are, your Excellency:
the entertainment committee.

Bless you.

And why are the millions
poured down the drain?

Why does Europe have to be
governed from Vienna?

Because Herr von Metternich
has gone crazy with ambition!

They don't understand me, Pepi!
- They don't have a clue.

Anybody in the diplomats' chamber?

Certainly, your Excellency:
diplomats' chamber.

She wasn't a lady!
A real wh*re, that's what she was!

Excellency, I picked up the wrong one.
Wrong connection.

How youthful that Metternich
tries to behave ...

That's the servants' quarters.

Leave it on. it's quite interesting.

And when he thinks,
now is the right time,

what does the little person say?

''What do I need that Metternich for?
My cousin kisses me much better!''

They don't understand you
at all, your Excellency!

Well, well.
The diplomats' chamber!

Here you are, your Excellency:
the diplomats' chamber

What is the idea with Metternich?

Mon cher, we're supposed to "faire
l'amour", we're supposed to make love!

Mais pas d'histoire,
not world history!

He makes a congress,
but us he makes dance!

He arranges an important session,
but at the same time a ball!

But he alone makes
the grand politics!

He's dangerous, that Metternich!

Talleyrand.

He understands me.

(with Saxon accent) Say, my dear Count,
what's the news about Napoleon?

He's been well trapped, he sits on
the isle of Elba and can go fishing.

We in London have been informed differently.

Napoleon sits on Elba, right.
But he dreams of returning to Paris!

Good gracious!

Should Napoleon return,
then it's goodbye, Metternich!

Wellington! Racks his brains
about my problems.

The news about Napoleon,
I'll have to write to Dresden at once.

Have the letters
been checked yet, Pepi?

Your Excellency, I'll inquire
at once in the black cabinet.

To the Royal Swedish
Ministry of State, Stockholm...

To the Royal Saxon
Secret Cabinet, Dresden...

To the Papal Envoy, Rome.

His Excellency, the Minister
of Foreign Affairs, Copenhagen...

The Secret Cabinet in Madrid.

To the State Chancellory in Munich.

Go on with your work.
Have a nice day!

What does your Excellency wish
to peruse? Bavaria? Spain? Denmark?

The King of Wurttemberg
arrived yesterday.

He'll certainly write about
his first impressions,

and first impressions
are always very important, Pepi.

Do you have Wurttemberg? Yes?

''When entering the city, a pretty
Viennese girl came to my carriage...

and presented me
with a bouquet of roses.

But just imagine: behind that courtesy
some business promotion was hidden.''

That's outrageous.

''On the paper wrapping was written:

Vienna's best gloves are at
"The Beautiful Shepherdess".

So that's the sixth monarch
that insolent girl has molested!

Hasn't she been forbidden to do that?

Certainly! I've tried many times, but
she doesn't listen to interdictions.

Not to mine.

Well! One more bouquet, and
that shepherdess will get to know me!

"At the beautiful shepherdess"

Do you speak English?
- Nein.

Parlez-vous fran?ais?
- Nein.

You only speak German?
- Yes, General.

Darling, can I see you tonight?

Costs 2 guldens 50.

Can I see you tomorrow night?
- I'm sorry, we don't allow refunds.

So when can I see you again?

Whenever you need anything else.

I kiss your hand.
- God's greetings.

Sorry.

Christel.
- Here you are again!

Christel, you look at everyone
friendlier than at me!

And for how long
have we known each other?

For far too long.
Hand me that box!

Christel, must we go on like that?

I'll always look up
to you like to a star.

And you'll never lower yourself to me.

Ah, it's your poetical day again!

Don't make me nervous! Go away!

No! Today you won't send me away!

Today I've something to report to you!

Something disagreeable!
- Don't give yourself airs!

Herr von Metternich wants you to know:

If you dare once more to impose your
damned bouquet on another monarch...

Well, then what?

If you look at me like that...

What's that noise outside?

What are they doing?

This will be the tribune
for the Czar's entrance.

The Czar is coming?
- Yes, already tomorrow!

Oh, I'll get him some flowers!
A huge bunch!

Is that so? Then everything's
finished between us!

So much the better.
- Christel! Christel, listen to me.

Don't start any nonsense with the Czar.
He has such a beard.

First he'll have you whipped,
and then sent to Siberia.

I don't care! He'll get his flowers!
- He won't get them!

He'll get them!
- He won't get them.

He'll get them!
- He won't get them.

He'll get them!
- He won't get them!

He'll get them!
- No, he won't get them!

I told you Metternich has forbidden it!

I'm telling you for the last time:
He won't get them!

He'll get them!
- No, he won't get them.

He'll get them!

A b*mb!

Your Majesty, I was very terrified!
- Ah. Chepukha.

Assassination attempts come
naturally with my profession.

Let me pass through!

So let me pass through,
I want to show you what it is!

We won't let us all be blown up!
- It's only a bouquet of flowers!

I don't care,
no one is to pass through!

I beg your Majesty's pardon,

but I think we've had enough of
assassination attempts for today.

My dear Bibikoff, if only
you wouldn't exaggerate so much!

Pardon, but your Majesty must be
more careful in the future.

That's why we've brought Uralsky along.

WE did? YOU brought him.

Yes, your Majesty, I brought him.

so that he can stand in for your Majesty
in every dangerous situation.

I'll satisfy the
wishes of the Viennese.

Out of the question, your Majesty!

All right, in heaven's name,
send Uralsky to the balcony.

Yes, your Majesty.

Uralsky!

Uralsky! With shako!

Accept ovations!

Step out now!

Tonight at 7 o'clock, a gala opera
performance in your Majesty's honour.

Oh dear...

Russian ballet!

Good heavens...

Russian ballet?
- Indeed.

I didn't come to Vienna for that!
- It might be another job for Uralsky.

Tonight, 7 o'clock, gala uniform.

Attention! Don't embarrass me!

And the Czar of Russia doesn't
scratch himself behind the ear!

Is that understood?
- Yes, your Majesty!

The private secretary of
State Chancellor Prince Metternich.

Let him come in.

Your Majesty:
his Excellency Prince Metternich,

is very happy to tell you that it was
not an assassination attempt after all.

And the b*mb- wasn't a b*mb!

Vienna's most beautiful gloves
are at "The Beautiful Shepherdess"

You see, my dear Bibikoff,

nowadays you can't even
rely on the anarchists.

Well, there's still time for that.

Please convey my best thanks
to Prince Metternich.

Anything else?

Your Majesty...
If your Majesty could put in a word?

For yourself?

No, your Majesty. For the b*mb-thrower.

Your Majesty, she's such
a good girl, such a pretty girl.

There's noone like
her in all Europe.

Only in Vienna you can see such a girl.
- All right.

No, your Majesty, it's not all right.

Where is she,
the little b*mb-thrower?

It's awful. In prison!

And so for the reasons mentioned above,

the delinquent, the glove seller
Christine Antonia Weinzinger,

is sentenced to 25 blows
with the cane on her naked posterior.

No! No!

The sentence will be carried out
at once, with no. 11 size cane!

Let's go.

No no! I beg of you, let go of me!
Let go of me! Oh no!

No! Please, no beatings.

That darned Czar!
- Stop it!

Let her go, she's been pardoned!

Good gracious!
- That darned Czar!

Sends people to Siberia,
has them whipped...

But that's not true.

I wish I hadn't started
any business with the Czar!

So? Why not?

That awful person, with his long beard.

He had it shaved off long ago.

How do you know?

Do you know him?

Briefly.

Reporting: ready for duty!

At ease! and don't put on
that stupid face, Uralsky!

And don't forget to cover your mouth
when you're yawning, understood?

Yes, sir!
- Off we go! To the opera!

Sir!

You know your instructions, Countess.
It'll be up to your beautiful eyes

to make the Czar forget high politics
over more agreeable matters.

You can rely completely
on my beautiful eyes, cher ami.

Sit down, you stupid dog!

Discharge papers for Miss Weinzinger!

Already discharged.
By the order of his Majesty, the Czar.

A nice person, the Czar.

So, everything's all right again?

# If you're in love
and don't know where to go,

# there's only one city,
with something no other has.

# You'll find it right
at the heart of the world.

# Once you get tipsy there,
you'll know at once:

# A part of heaven
on Earth does shine,

#Vienna and wine,
Vienna and wine,

Pleased to see you.

# It wasn't conceived on earthly land

# because it's so heavenly-made.

I haven't seen anything!

# When you sit dreamily in Vienna
with glass of wine,

# and not alone,
you'll realize:

# A part of heaven
on Earth does shine,

# Vienna and wine,
Vienna and wine.

To your health, gentlemen!

# These are the old stories of Vienna,

# Just ask a Viennese kid
where you can hear them.

# Exit the city gates
where cherry trees bloom,

# and every farmhouse
will cry it out loud:

# A part of heaven
on Earth does shine,

# Vienna and wine,
Vienna and wine.

# It wasn't conceived on earthly land

because it's so heavenly-made.

# When you sit dreamily in Vienna
with glass of wine,

# and not alone,
you'll realize:

# A part of heaven
on Earth does shine,

# Vienna and wine,
Vienna and wine.

# A part of heaven
on Earth does shine,

# Vienna and wine.

May I ask for a small contribution
for the music?

Your faithful servant, Baron!

Thank you kindly, Count!

I kiss your heart, your grace!

But that's gold!

Who is that?
- Oh, that's the Czar.

That is the Czar?

Your Majesty!

Your Majesty,
don't send me to Siberia!

But Christel!
We're friends, aren't we?

Of course we are.
If your Majesty says so.

I beg of you!

If you please, I must go home.

I'll drive you home.
- No thank you. I prefer to walk.

So do I.

Please honour us again
very soon, your grace.

Folks, let's hear a
smashing farewell tune!

Christel!

Christel!

Not on the hand!
I have a mouth for this.

But not for me, your Majesty!

What does your Excellency wish to hear?

Entertainment committee,
diplomats' chamber?

Servants' hall.

There they know more about
entertainment and need less diplomacy.

Sure, your Excellency.
Servants' hall.

Go away with that Wellington.

The only handsome devil among
those foreign princes is the Czar.

The way he exchanged
glances last night

with the French Countess
at the opera, just great!

That was nothing!

Afterwards Little Father Czar
was down at the Heurigen!

There he sat and had a glass
with a real Viennese girl.

A sweet girl, I can tell you!

It was the little glove seller,
the one who threw the bouquet.

The girl was completely mad
about Little Father Czar.

He kissed her when they parted!

That's fabulous, Pepi! Now the Czar will
stay away from the congress today.

That's what I wanted.
He'll dance, and I'll march.

Certainly, your Excellency!

This is your business, Pepi.

Keep your eye on the girl,
and help her a bit, if necessary.

Understood?
- Certainly, your Excellency.

As your Excellency has justly remarked,
that's my business!

Just imagine. I'm looking
closely at the gold piece,

and suddenly I know
who is my cavalier.

The Emperor of Russia himself!

We're not to be fooled!

You can tell that to Frau Blaschke!

How so? Frau Blaschke herself
saw it in the cards:

a blond tall gentleman,
of high rank...

Ah, "luck in the evening hours
in a small alley!"

You're probably going to be
Empress of Russia!

I can prove it! Look!

Look, there's a crown inside!

Let go of my hair, you beast!

Poldi, Poldi, show the liar!

Demoiselle Christine Weinzinger?

Yes?

If you please?

What's the matter?

Your carriage is waiting, your grace.

My carriage?

My carriage!

Where to?
- To your villa, demoiselle!

To my villa!

# Dreaming, waking?
Crying, laughing?

# Today I don't know what I do.

# On my way and where I stay,
smiles on your faces break through.

# Now fairy tales will all come true,

# Now just one thing is clear:

# Here just for one time,
never to return,

# this is all too good to be true.

# So much a wonder, a golden sunbeam
from paradise comes shining down.

# Here just for one time,
never to return,

# this is perhaps only a dream.

# That in a lifetime, once can be taken

# perhaps tomorrow to be gone.

# That in a lifetime, once can be taken

# for every springtime
only has one May.

# Dearest sun, world of pleasure,

# today you're most
beautiful of all.

# All dear birdies practice singing

# blissfully the melody of joy.

# Luck calls today
from house to house:

# So, take your pick, come out!

# Here just for one time,
never to return,

# this is all too good to be true.

# So much a wonder, a golden sunbeam
from paradise comes shining down.

# Here just for one time,
never to return,

# this is perhaps only a dream.

# That in a lifetime, once can be taken

# perhaps tomorrow to be gone.

# That in a lifetime, once can be taken

# for every springtime
only has one May.

# Lustrous glowing, radiant blooming
it's ringing forth from the grove,

It is found round every corner,
blossoms spring forth from the trees.

# Today everyone sings just for me:
"Today I only feel for you!"

# Here just for one time,
never to return,

To the Russian Court Banker,
Baron Stenn, Hotel "The Red Sphere".

What do they write?

''... and I ask you, on behalf
of his Majesty the Czar,

to transfer to
Demoiselle Christine...''

Well?

''... Christine Weinzinger, Hitzing,
Kleine Allee 11,

1.000 guldens per month.
Signed, Bibikoff.''

Bravo, Pepi!
You've done a splendid job.

The private secretary of
his Excellency, the State Chancellor!

Please let him come in.

Say, aren't you ashamed?

Ashamed?

I'm proud.

And you want to be my wife?
- But I don't!

Christel! Do you really believe
the Czar's intentions are serious?

Come in!

The adjutant to his Majesty the Czar!

Let him come in!

Good morning, Herr Private Secretary! Demoiselle.

I have the honour and
the pleasure to announce

his Majesty's visit this
afternoon at 4 o'clock.

Please don't incommodate yourself.

I'll take care of everything:
Russian tea, Russian music,

Russian atmosphere, everything Russian,
Russian, Russian, original Russian.

Demoiselle! Good morning, everybody!

There, you see how serious
he is about me!

We'll see about that!

Do you want to imply that he won't come?
- He'll come all right.

But you'll be surprised
how quick he'll be gone.

What do you know about love? He'll stay!
- He won't stay!

He'll stay!
- He won't stay!

He'll stay!
- He won't stay!

He'll stay! He'll stay!

He'll stay! He'll stay!

I'm not in the mood to
quarrel with you much longer!

He'll stay!

He won't stay!
- Oh yes, he'll stay!

And he won't stay!

From his Majesty the Czar,

as a token of his supreme joy

that this afternoon he'll be attending
the congress for the first time.

I am delighted, my dear Bibikoff.

I am sincerely pleased to greet
his Majesty today at the session.

I am also pleased, your Excellency.

We are pleased too.
Everybody's pleased, your Excellency!

Your Excellency?

What's the meaning of this? The Czar
is coming to the session after all?

I don't think so, your Excellency.

I've taken precautions
for the whole afternoon.

If you please?

My best reserve troupes.

If your Excellency consents -

Madame la contesse asks
his Majesty, the Czar, to come to tea

at 5 o'clock this afternoon.

Splendid, Pepi, excellent!

Well, these beautiful eyes
must have had some effect yesterday.

Hmm, I think they'll have some
more effect this afternoon.

Happy Alexander!

If I weren't Metternich,
I'd like to be the Czar this afternoon.

Tell the Countess I've never made
a beautiful woman wait yet.

Bibikoff!
- Your Majesty?

Don't you notice?
- No, your Majesty, I don't.

They are trying to trap me, Bibikoff!

A trap? I really
don't notice anything.

You are an idiot!
- Yes sir.

At 5 o'clock, an invitation to a lady.

At 5 o'clock the congress is to sit
in session. They want to keep me away.

Herr Metternich wants to make
his decisions without me! Chepukha!

Uralsky will take care of all the
affairs with the ladies this afternoon!

Uralsky!

Sir!
- Do you notice anything?

Nothing.

You're an idiot, too.
- Yes, sir!

Report for duty
this afternoon at 4 o'clock.

Young Viennese girl,
his Majesty as fairy tale prince.

5 o'clock, drawing room viper from
the opera box, his Majesty as Don Juan.

Go all out straight away!

The reputation of his Majesty
is in your hands!

Yes sir!

With the Viennese girl: reticent,
dreamy, lyrical, romantic.

Kiss?

Are you crazy? That remains
reserved for his Majesty.

In Russia, people have been sent
to Siberia for smaller offences!

You look at her, like this,

you whisper to her, sweetly,
very sweetly.

If she wants to kiss you,
you'll have a cold, like this.

Understood?
- Is she pretty?

As they say in Vienna:
that's a Schmarren to you! Chepukha!

I kiss your hand, gentlemen!

(with Russian accent) If you open
tap here, out comes hot water.

His Majesty the Czar!

Alexander!

I thank you for all
that you've given me.

Your Majesty seems
so very different today.

I am always the same.

Only, today I feel so
reticent, dreamy,

lyrical and romantic.

if you please!

Well then, play away!

Would you like some tea, Alexander?
- Yes, please.

Sugar?
- Sweet!

Very sweet!

Even much sweeter!

Your Highness!
- Halt!

Quiet please.
His Majesty is in there.

Your Highness, is the
Czar really in there?

What do you mean, "really"?

Who else should be in there?

Have you gone crazy?

His Majesty must come out!
- Out?

But his Majesty has promised
to be at the Countess', at 5 o'clock!

Be patient, young man!
We'll take care of everything.

Each thing at a time.

Your Majesty, your tea
is getting cold.

That's going too far!

Your Majesty,
the carriage is waiting.

Not the hand. I have a mouth.

Not for me.

Alexander!

Your Majesty?
When will your Majesty come again?

His Apostolic Majesty,
the Emperor Franz of Austria!

Who's missing over there?
- Where?

To the right of Emperor Franz
there is still an empty chair.

That's the Czar's place.
He won't come.

He's got something
better to do today.

Is it true that we have
so many chances with the Czar?

My dear child, the Czar
doesn't collect antiquities!

Herr Mayor, who is the gentleman

who is in such deep conversation
with the Emir of Bukhara?

That's the cleverest brain of them all.
Even Metternich can't fool him.

That's the King of Saxony.

(Saxon accent)
You see, my good man, I mean,

the buttered beans of Vienna
may be great, yes yes.

But the coffee, nay! The coffee
is much better at home in Dresden.

Well then, play away!

His Majesty, the Czar!

Your Excellency, the Czar
has just arrived at the Countess'.

Good, Pepi, very good!

I've gotten rid of that adversary for
today, and now I'll open the session.

Your Majesty, unfortunately we'll
have to deliberate without the Czar.

His Majesty, the Czar of Russia!

To the Royal Saxon
Secret Cabinet, Dresden.

...the Papal Envoy, Rome.

Good morning!

You look terrible, Herr secretary.

It's only because of this congress.
All that running after the Czar,

these endless sessions.
and one ball after another.

It's really driving...

Your Excellency, everything's ready.
Here are the Czar's letters.

A woman's handwriting.

Let's see.

''Alexander!

You've been here,
once and never again. Why?

Are you angry with me?'' Oh!

''For one day I dreamed

you were going to make me happy.

And now I've been unhappy
for such a long time and alone."

Oh dear, oh dear.

''I want to see you
again just once. Christel."

Christel, Christel. Which Christel?

Your Excellency, that can only be
the girl from the glove-maker's shop.

I see, the girl with
the flower bouquet.

But I expressly commanded you
to help getting the affair going.

That girl will be united with the Czar
as fast as possible, is that understood?

Certainly, your Excellency.

May I announce you, Mr. secretary?
- Not necessary.

Oh it's you!

Pepi.

Yes, please pardon me. It's me.

That's nice of you that you
come to care for me.

Did you expect someone else perhaps?

But you know who always visits me.

I know. I know everything.

How dare you!
That's his favorite armchair!

That's his place,

and this is mine.

Every day he visits me,
sometimes even twice a day.

Really, sometimes even twice?

And in the few hours
when he isn't here,

he only thinks of me.

How do you know?

Pepi, one feels these things.

You wouldn't understand.

Well, then!

Then let me tell you something.

He hasn't thought of you once yet.

What?
- Yes, indeed.

He flies from one to the next.
Only of you he doesn't think.

That's a lie!
- A lie?

Look, you can convince yourself
tonight, at the grand charity ball.

He'll be there too?

Then you can see his goings-on,
with his 500 dames!

No,no
I'd rather not go.

I see!

You don't dare to go.

Give it to me!

If I could see him again at all!

Pepi! Today's session must
finish without the Czar!

I'll solve the problem with
Napoleon in my own way.

And tell the entertainment committee:
the Czar mustn't leave the ballroom!

Certainly, your Excellency!

Bibikoff! In 10 minutes
you'll fetch Uralsky.

I must go to the congress, the session
is important, decision about Napoleon.

Yes, your Majesty!

Young man, his Excellency
shouldn't meddle in my affairs!

The Czar will sell kisses.
He won't be able to get away.

Please tell his Excellency
that I know how to captivate men.

Fanfare!

As a special surprise,
I have the honour to tell you

that His Majesty the Czar,
in order to help the poor of Vienna,

will sell kisses,
for 100 guldens apiece.

Chepukha!

This time I've been
trapped by Metternich.

I completely agree, your Majesty.
Chepukha!

It is sometimes quite
agreeable to have a proxy.

Very true, your Majesty.

Bibikoff! That's the girl!
- Yes, your Majesty, that's the girl.

I completely forgot about her.

Bibikoff! Uralsky is to stop at once!
- Yes, your Majesty.

Good gracious, dear Count, look, there
are some sweet girls standing up there.

Shouldn't we go dancing a bit, too?

Does any of the honourable gentlemen

have any objections
against item 3 on the agenda?

So write: ''Napoleon's banishment
for life has been decided unanimously."

What's happened, your Excellency?

Napoleon has landed in France.

Well that's...Chepukha!
Your Excellency!

Your Majesty!
I've ordered your Majesty's carriage.

Your Majesty is certainly
departing tonight?

Oh your Majesty, I'm so happy.

The congress is over,
and now my girl belongs to me again.

# If you're in love
and don't know where to go,

# there's only one city,

Don't be disturbed!

# with something no other has.

# You'll find it right
at the heart of the world.

I'll just help myself.

# Once you get tipsy there,
you'll know at once:

# A part of heaven
on Earth does shine,

# Vienna and wine,
Vienna and wine,

# It wasn't conceived on earthly land

# because it's so heavenly-made.

# When you sit happily in Vienna
with glass of wine,

# and not alone,
you'll realize:

# A part of heaven
on Earth does shine,

# Vienna and wine,
Vienna and wine.

# A part of heaven
on Earth does shine,

Good evening, Baron!
A glass of Heurigen perhaps?

Fresh from the tap!
- Chepukha!

# When you sit dreamily in Vienna
with glass of wine,

# and not alone...

Your Majesty!

Your Majesty, an urgent message!

Excuse me, please.

Your Majesty, Napoleon has
landed in France! - What?

We have to leave
at once, your Majesty!

Your Majesty, the carriage...

Be quiet! Not in front of the girl.
- I understand.

Well, Christel? It has become late.
I think we'll have to leave.

So, when will we see
each other again?

Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, Alexander.

Well, I only say goodbye
and thank you.

I kiss your heart, your grace.

Folks, let's hear a
smashing farewell tune!

Your obedient servant, Baron.
And honour us again very soon!

# Here just for one time,

# Never to return,

# this is all too good to be true.

# Just for a moment

# a golden sunbeam
from paradise comes shining down.

# Here just for one time,

# never to return,

# this is perhaps only a dream.

# That in a lifetime, once can be taken

# perhaps tomorrow to be gone.

# That in a lifetime, once can be taken

# for every springtime
only has one May.