01x13 - Are You Afraid of the Dork?

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ SpongeBob ♪

- ♪ I'm off to summer camp ♪

- ♪ SpongeBob ♪

- ♪ Through nature I will tramp ♪

- ♪ SpongeBob will have you screaming ♪

- ♪ While milk is streaming right out of your nose ♪

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa!

Ahh! Ahh!

♪ ♪

- ♪ SpongeBob ♪

- ♪ When nature's calling ♪

♪ You'll see me hauling ♪

♪ I'm hitting the trail ♪

- Hello and welcome, all you snot-nosed campers

to Midnight Frights,

Kamp Koral's Annual Spooky Story Night.

Now, who'd like to hear

some scary stories?

[spooky music]

- Ha, they're already scared. What babies!

- Well, maybe they have good reason to be scared.

- Wait, what? Why? - Huh?

[frightened chattering]

- [roars] - [roars]

[laughter]

- Ha. I ain't afraid. Bring on the scary stories.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- [cackles] Did I hear someone say scary stories?

This is gonna be good.

[quirky upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Yuck!

Who put popcorn in me spiders? Ew.

- My dreadful tale takes place

one dark and stormy night

when I was all alone in my cabin.

Agitated by the thunder, I needed to calm my nerves.

So, I decided to play a solo game

of "Lizards, Wizards, and Gizzards."

I rolled a one. So, I moved one space.

And landed on go back one space.

And then I rolled another one.

I moved my wizard forward,

then back again and rolled another one.

I moved my wizard and rolled another one.

Then another one.

Over and over, roll after roll.

I was stuck in a loop.

Was I losing my mind?

[tense music]

♪ ♪

Was this black magic?

both: Ooh.

- Hey, Patrick. You know what this story needs?

For the power to go out right about now.

- Ooh! - [gasps]

- Oh yeah!

And an escaped fiend should be pounding on the door.

[pounding on door]

- [yelps]

[chuckling]

- Excuse me. This is my story.

[upbeat music]

- We're just trying to help.

- Yeah, your story needed some punching up.

- [laughs]

- Where was I? Oh, yes.

The rolling of the ones.

[tense music]

Some sinister supernatural force

had taken control of my dice.

I screamed in horror

to the evil that had possessed my dice.

Be gone!

But to no avail.

Each roll only landed on one.

One! One!

[kids screaming]

[laughter]

[quirky upbeat music]

- What in Blackbeard's bloomers was that?

One, one, one? Lame. Lame. Lame.

- You might think that a person of means

such as myself wouldn't have a horror story.

But you'd be wrong. There was one summer in camp

when I woke up in the middle of the night hungry.

- Hungry? SpongeBob, now I'm really scared

- Here, this should help. - Thanks.

[spits] I don't like the eyes.

- As I was saying, I woke up hungry

in the middle of the night and rang for the butler.

[tense music] [bell rings]

But the butler didn't answer. What happened to the butler?

Something sinister no doubt.

I walked toward the service kitchen.

Every step filled me with dread.

I'd never been in the kitchen and I didn't know.

Oh, I didn't want to know what I'd find there.

- Here you go. - [screams]

- You shouldn't go in there alone.

[whooshing]

- This fog should help with the atmosphere.

- Do you mind?

- Not at all. You're doing great.

- I have notes. - [growls]

- Once I was in the kitchen, the fear continued.

How do I make a sandwich? How many pieces of bread?

I didn't know.

And what goes on a sandwich anyway?

Kelp pate?

How many kelps were m*rder*d to make this pate?

Their spirits might be angry.

Then, everywhere I turned, there were sharp,

deadly objects pointed right at me.

- Sharp, deadly objects, huh?

- [squawks] Now we're cooking.

- Sharp, deadly objects like forks, spoons,

and butter knives.

- Butter knives? That's not scary. Boo!

- Boo!

- And then from the corner of my eye, I saw them.

Half one thing and half another.

Unholy hybrids. Freaks of nature.

How did they get in my cabin?

I didn't want to look but I couldn't help myself.

There, standing upright in the dish rack

there were...

sporks!

♪ ♪

[laughter]

- I thought a fork and spoon was a foon.

- Sporks?

[snarls]

[dramatic music]

What's with these camp counselors?

Their kids should be wetting their bloomers by now.

[huffs and growls]

It looks like this candy-pants campfire

needs a visit from a real master of hair-raising horror!

Little old me!

- Alright, listen up you welter weights.

Larry is gonna tell you a tale that will curl your dumb bells.

- Look!

- [maniacal laughter]

♪ ♪

[cackling]

♪ ♪

[kids screaming]

[cackling]

♪ ♪

Good thing I got a green thumb.

[snaps fingers]

♪ ♪

- Looks like we're a c*ptive audience.

- We sure as sugar don't have anything like this

back in Texas.

♪ ♪

- Yo, bro. Not cool. It was my turn to tell a story.

- Well, if it isn't Kamp Koral's

biggest athletic supporter.

And what was your scary story, lobster roll?

Someone not wipe down the gym equipment after using it?

- Yeah. How did you know?

- [cackles]

[nervous oohs and ahs]

- Mommy.

- I hope you find my stories scary,

the first one stars a lobster named Larry.

♪ ♪

- Uh, uh, uh, uh!

I just remembered, I forgot to hydrate my gluteus maximus.

[dial-up model warbling]

[frightened stuttering]

[all gasp]

Whoa. Where am I?

Oh, my cabin. Okay.

[soft suspenseful music]

What's this?

Happy Birthday to everyone's favorite hunk.

Aw. They didn't have to do that.

It's the most beautiful piece of gym equipment

I've ever seen.

[grunting]

Oh, yeah. I can really feel the burn.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Oh yeah! I'm getting j-j-j-jacked, baby.

Larry is getting huge.

Larry is a monster.

No pain, no gain!

♪ ♪

[exoskeleton cracks] Ooh!

Good Neptune, it hurts! [groans]

My sore muscles sure could use a soak.

[sighs]

Huh? [sniffs]

Huh? [slurps]

Is this butter?

- I see food! Ha! Get it? Sea food?

- What are you gonna do? Eat me?

- Though most folks love the rich,

juicy flavor of lobster meat. I prefer the shell.

Ha!

- What? Dude.

- Dipped in butter. - But I need that.

[tense music]

You can't leave me like this.

I'm all soft and buttery.

No. No!

♪ ♪

- Earned me first demerit badge.

- It's Larry. Larry's on the patch.

- You two can hit the showers.

[both screaming]

[cackles]

Well, how's that for a scary story?

Well, how's that for a scary story?

- It didn't really live up to the hype.

- I've read scarier stories in third-rate comic books.

- Comic books, eh?

Well, here's a tale that has no class.

It's about your counselor, Bubble Bass.

- Huh? I would like to retract my last criticism if I may.

Parlay. Parlay!

[aerial interference whining] - Oh, what?

And I paid for extra high speed wicked Wi-Fi.

[snarling]

[chuckles] That's better.

Or should I say that's worse. [chuckles]

- Hm. What? How'd I get here? Hm.

By the Hanging Wizards of Mocklock.

Ugh. It smells like boiling vomit.

[frightened muttering]

♪ ♪

I've been befouled.

Huh?

Whoa! I can fly!

♪ ♪

I wonder if...

[straining]

[gasps] I have superpowers.

I'm a--a superhero.

I need a costume.

[triumphant dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Finally, it is done.

Behold world, it is I, Captain Counselor!

♪ ♪

For years, I was laughed at and called a nerd

for my love of superheroes.

Wait till the campers see me and my super powers now.

[indistinct excited chatter]

The meteor affected everyone in camp, not just me.

- Hey, what's with the outfit? Is it Halloween?

- I think they're his superhero jammies.

- Ooh.

- What's the C stand for? Clown Man?

- Captain Cornball?

-Caboose Man? -Compost Man?

[laughter]

[soft tense music]

- Oh yes, quite amusing.

But maybe perhaps you'd like to join me

in my league of superheroes?

- Superheroes? We ain't superheroes.

- Yeah, we're supervillains.

♪ ♪

- No. No!

♪ ♪

- Nice.

- It's Bubble Bass.

Bubble Bass is on the patch!

- Enjoy your nerdmares.

[both scream]

[cackles]

My next story, you all will learn,

stars your rich counselor, Missy Upturn.

- Oh, no. I'll give you $ billion to let me go.

- I'm a ghost. I have no use for money.

- Then how about credit?

You can't see it. You can't feel it.

It's ghost money. [chuckles]

You could upgrade that broken-down tub of yours

for a luxury yacht. - Ooh.

Ghost money? I like that.

[chuckling]

[phone chiming]

- I just opened an unlimited line of credit

for you at my daddy's bank. - Ah.

Ooh!

Ah! [horn blasts]

Would you look at me? Master and commander.

All right, you don't get a scary story.

- Ho, ho! Yes.

- But you still get to be a patch.

- [screams]

- See ya in therapy! [both scream]

[cackles]

[laughter]

And what are you laughing at?

- We were laughing because you were laughing.

- Well, quit it!

My next yarn is strange, even absurd,

cause this tale's about counselor Squidward.

Where's Squidward?

- Oh, he vamoosed.

- Amscrayed.

- Skedaddled.

[babbling]

- Well, how'd he get away? - Looks like ink.

- Feels like ink.

- Tastes like ink!

- I can't tell his scary story without him here.

Man, that ruins my whole night!

- Whelp, being a squirrel of science,

I don't believe in ghosts.

But what I've seen here tonight is totally messed up!

[screams]

- And I was saving my scariest story for last.

Why do I even bother?

Hey, where'd you--

[duck quacks]

[quirky upbeat music]

- How do you turn this on?

- Hey, you! Get off of my cloud!

[snarls]

So, you kids wanna be in a scary story, huh?

- Not really, no. I guess I've grown out of that kid stuff.

- I'm just jaded. - Kid stuff? Jaded?

All right, here's something all kids are afraid of.

Being in trouble. [cackles]

[thunder rumbling]

- Where are we?

- We're in Campmaster Krabs' office.

Patrick, why are we here?

Are we in trouble?

- I don't know. This axe with our fingerprints

could have something to do with it.

- And that axe probably goes along with this severed head

of lettuce that we must have taken from the canteen.

[both gasp]

Campmaster Krabs? Is that you?

Is something wrong?

- Oh, don't worry.

It's nothing serious!

[evil laughter]

both: Yay!

- ♪ Clown clowny clown clown ♪

- He's funny.

- I am not funny. I'm scary! [snarls]

[laughter]

- [snarls] [laughter]

[quirky energetic music]

♪ ♪

[both giggling]

♪ ♪

- [crying]

♪ ♪

- Ow!

[leaf blower whirring]

♪ ♪

- Looks like those clowning lessons we took

really paid off.

♪ ♪

- [growls]

They say dead men tell no tales

but I'm gonna have a whopper to tell after tonight.

I don't know how you two fish gizzards got the best of me.

- Oh, it was a snap.

- No! Don't snap your fingers.

- You mean like this? [snaps fingers]

- [high-pitched] Where am I? What happened?

Ah. Oh, no! This is my biggest fear!

I'm ten years old and back in summer camp!

- Look at Dutch Boy. What a cute little pirate.

- Avast!

You two scalawags are worse than any freebooters

I've ever had the misfortune to meet.

[grunting]

- He doesn't know how to snap his fingers yet.

Keep trying, Dutchy. You'll get it.

- I wanna go home! I wanna plunder!

I want my mommy!

[crying and babbling]

- Oh, everybody feels that way about camp at first.

You'll soon forget all about plundering.

We're gonna have so much fun.

[giggling]

[soft upbeat music]

[jellyfish buzzing]

♪ ♪

- [screams]

♪ ♪

- Ha-ha! [pants rip]

[laughter]

[peaceful upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- You still gotta eat it. Camp rules.

♪ ♪

- Oh, if only I could escape this blasted nightmare.

♪ ♪

[snaps fingers]

Yeah, I'm back.

- Hey! Congratulations, Dutchy.

You learned to snap your fingers.

- And now I'm gonna snap you like a couple of twigs.

[snarls]

Hey, where you going?

- Sorry, Dutch. It's past our bedtimes.

- Yeah, D. Thanks for the scary stories.

Not. [chuckles]

- [snarls]

- Oh, we mustn't leave a fire unattended.

♪ ♪

- Wait! Let me out first.

No! No! No!

[all yelp]

[sizzling]

- Dudes, is that a cookout I smell?

[screaming]

- [cackling] - Oh, SpongeBob. Your shirt.

- [cackling]

What the--I've been patched!

No! I hate summer camp!