01x05 - When Mother Gets Married

[bunniefuu]

[PARTRIDGE FAMILY THEME PLAYING]

♪ Come on now
And meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singin' ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singin' ♪

♪ Five of us
And Mom working all day ♪

♪ We knew we could help her
If our music could pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben
To sell our song ♪

♪ And it really came together
When Mom sang along ♪

♪ Come on now
And meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singin' ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singin'
When we're singin' ♪

♪ When we're singin' ?♪

SHIRLEY:
After four weeks on the road

and constant
unrelenting contact

with my five children,

there was one thing I missed
more than anything else:

the sound of an adult voice.

Preferably baritone
and over .

Well,
[GUITAR PLAYING]

I was about to get my wish.

Everybody get enough
to eat?

What's the matter?

You look different.

What do you mean by "different?"

From always.

You look glamorous.

Laurie, would you
zip me up, please?

Is that bad?

I don't think
you're the glamorous type.

What type am I?

Mm, I don't know.

Pleasant, ordinary type.

Oh, thanks.

You're really sending me out
with a great deal of confidence.

Sending you
out where, Mom?

Well, if you must know,
I have a date.

You?

It may be hard to believe,
but it's true.

You mean,
you're going out with a guy?

I bumped into an old friend
in the lobby,

and he's asked me
out to dinner.

Why?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe he just likes
the pleasant, ordinary type.

Boy, that's weird.

What's weird?

I thought at her age,

she'd get all that stuff
out of her system.

What stuff?

I think you're too young
for me to tell you.

Okay.
Can I have your ice cream?

Sure.

People don't stop being
interested in the opposite sex

just because they're over ,
you know.

They don't?

Of course not. It never stops.

Tell me something.

What?

When does it start?

The thing we have to realize

is that mother is
a healthy, attractive female,

with all
the normal human desires

and emotions of any woman.

You're kidding.

[SIGHS]

I don't know why I even bother

trying to explain
any of these things.

You're much too immature
to understand any of this.

CHRIS: You always say that,
and it's not true.

We're terrifically mature.

You wanna go play
with my baseball cards?

Okay.

I think it's nice,

Mom having
a little romance in her life.

Don't you?

Don't you think you're
blowing this thing up

a little
out of proportion?

I mean, after all,

they only met
a few hours ago.

Yeah, well,

Romeo and Juliet
only knew each other one day.

And look what
happened to them.

[♪♪♪]

[LIGHT, RELAXING MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What's the matter?

Well, it's--

I'm trying to remember

why we ever stopped
seeing each other.

Well, I think
it had something to do

with you going off
to be an engineer

in South America.

Ah, yes, yes.

Yeah, well,

those walks home
from a Saturday date

would have been m*rder.

You never got married,
Larry?

No, no.

Came close
a couple of times.

Cold feet?

Well, would you believe

it's because
I never got over you?

Uh, no.

Oh, I think it's about time

an old croc like you
settled down.

Oh-ho-ho.

Well, the signs
are all there.

Oh, shortness of breath,
creakiness in the joints?

Ah.

The desire for a family,

loneliness...

Yes, I guess
everybody gets lonely.

You too?

Sometimes.

Well, maybe our meeting again
will solve that problem for us.

Ah.

Thank you.

Oh, what should
we drink to?

Friendship.

Yeah.

Past, present...

And future.

[SIGHS]

LAURIE: You look as if
you had a good time.

What are you doing up?

Oh, just
checking up on you.

Oh, you can't blame me

for worrying
just a little,

first date and all.

Oh, I see.

What did you do?

Oh, the usual things
one does on a date.

You're kidding!

We talked.

Until : in the morning?

Come on,
let's go to bed.

Um, Mom?

Do you mind
if I give you some advice?

Do I have a choice?

Well, it's just that
you haven't been...

well...

involved
with men for a long time.

I mean,
you're a bit out of touch.

Oh, I think it'll
come back to me.

It's like riding a bike,
isn't it?

Well, what I'm
trying to say

is that when you,
when you're--

well, inexperienced,
it's easy to get...

you know,
swept off your feet.

Well, I think you should
guard against that.

I'll try
and remember that.

Now can I give you
some advice?

Sure.

Go to bed.

I'm telling you,
she really likes him.

How can you tell?

Because I'm a woman.

No, you're not.
You're a sister.

Hi, kids. All set?

KEITH: Yeah.

Let's do "I Really Want
to Know You" first.

[PLAYS GUITAR]

♪ I want to look behind ♪

♪ The mirror of your eyes ♪

♪ And see the secret ♪

♪ Secret world ♪

♪ The world
Your words disguise ♪

♪ The birthplace of your sighs ♪

♪ I want to know the pain ♪

♪ Of all your silent fears ♪

♪ And when you speak ♪

♪ Speak of them ♪

♪ The ones that no one hears ♪

♪ I want to taste your tears ♪

♪ I really want to know you... ♪

♪ I really want ♪

♪ To know you ♪

♪ Ooh ?♪

Has she ever been late
for a show before?

And look at yesterday.

She missed
an entire rehearsal.

I think we better
do something about it.

I mean,

what do we really know
about this guy?

Oh, I don't know.

He seems like
a very attractive,

eligible bachelor.

[SCOFFS] Yeah.

And what's he doing
hanging around Mom?

I keep telling you

that Mom can be
considered very sexy.

That's just silly.

I mean, I like Mom and all,

but let's be realistic.

She's no Gloria Cranwater.

Who's Gloria Cranwater?

She sits in front of me
in assembly.

She's sexy.

I don't think she is.

You're not old enough
to think anyone's sexy.

Anyway,

I think there's
something very suspicious

about this guy, Mr. Metcalf.

Like what?

I think he's a fortune hunter.

Well, that's a very good theory,
Danny,

except for one thing.

We don't have a fortune.

Yet.

But how do you know

Mister Metcalf
doesn't have money?

He spends like he does.

Takes a little to make a lot.

Anyway,

I think we should investigate.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Yeah.

DANNY: Danny Partridge here,
Mr. Kincaid.

Danny,
I'm in the shower.

Can you talk
a little louder?

I'm sorry.

Something's about to happen
that can change your whole life.

Look, kid, the shampoo is
congealing in my ears.

You better fly out here
right away,

but don't tell Mom.

I'll leave word at the desk
where to meet me.

We have a very delicate
situation here.

Can't your mother
handle it?

Not in her condition.

What condition?

She's fallen into the hands
of a "giggle-o."

A what?

[DOOR OPENS]

There's somebody coming.
I can't talk anymore.

Bye.

[HANGS UP RECEIVER]

"A giggle-o"?

Danny?

DANNY:
Over here, Mr. Kincaid.

[COUGHS]

Danny, we've got
to stop meeting like this.

I don't want Mom to know
we've been talking about her.

Why not?

Because she'll beat up on me.
Maybe both of us.

Terrific.

Okay, what's the story?

We think Mom's been
swept off her feet

by a "giggle-o."

The word is "gigolo," kid.

It came to me on the plane.

Do you know what it means?

Sure.

Just because
I can't pronounce it

doesn't mean
I don't know what it means.

I have a reading vocabulary.

Are you sure this guy's

only after a piece
of the action?

Positive.

That's why
I called you,

to find out
his net worth.

I tried to do it
myself over the phone,

but they wouldn't answer
any of my questions.

Who wouldn't?

Dun and Bradstreet.

Did you tell them who you were?

Yeah.

I said I was Nelson Rockefeller.

Didn't work, huh?

No. I think it was because
my voice was too low.

That's why
I called you.

Now, look, kid,

I am not about to start prying

into this guy's
financial affairs.

Mr. Kincaid, if they marry,
the first thing he'll do

is become our manager
and fire you.

I'm about to start prying

into this guy's
financial affairs.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Mr. Kincaid, you're not
supposed to come here!

Mom might see you!

Sit down, kid.

I checked out
Larry Metcalf.

Did you know

he has his own
engineering company?

He's got money?

About a million
and a half.

Are you sure
all those facts on him

are correct?

Facts on who?

Reuben,
what are you doing here?

[CLEARS THROAT] I gotta
go check my sound system.

Me too.

I gotta
check my baseball cards.

I just remembered,

I have to wash my hair.

[DOORS CLOSING]

I need some air.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
Well.

I certainly know
how to clear a room.

Never mind.

It'll give us a chance
to have a nice little chat.

Okay, let's talk.

[GULPS]

CHRIS:
Was she really mad?

Yeah, she was mad.

LAURIE: But what
did she say?

She said,
"If and when she gets married,

it'll be her own decision."

LAURIE: Well, at least
we know one thing.

He's not after
her money.

And one for you...

And one for you.

Two for you.

How many do you want?

Two.

I'll give you three.

Hi, kids.

Hi, Mr. Metcalf.

Mr. Metcalf.

Any messages for me?

Oh, yes,
the hotel jeweler left word

that the ring you ordered
will be ready at : .

Oh, thanks.

We'll be in
to pick it up later.

What kind of ring
did you buy?

A diamond.
It's for a lady.

Boy,
you sure give good presents.

Well,
it's rather a special occasion.

She's starting out
on a whole new life.

They're engaged!
Okay, okay.

They're engaged, I tell you.

Okay, calm down,
Chris.

Now, what makes you think
they're engaged?

Because he said so.

He said, "Mom's gonna
start a whole new life."

And he bought her
a diamond ring.

Why didn't
she tell us?

Maybe after
talking to Danny

she figured
we'd be against it.

I just thought
of something terrible.

What?

If they can be secretly engaged,

what stops them
from being secretly married?

Gee, they didn't
even invite us to the wedding.

You're really much
too good to me, Larry.

Oh, why shouldn't
I be good to you?

You're still my best girl,
aren't you?

Yeah.

That is about the dumbest idea
you've ever come up with.

Why?

Because they'd
find his body

within two hours.

So what?

We'd be sure
to get off.

Family honor.

Family honor?

Where do you think we are,
Sicily?

I tell you, I don't think
we have any choice.

It's our duty to tell her.

Tell her what?

That he's a philanderer.

You mean
he collects stamps?

Are you sure we should,
Keith?

It's the only mature thing
to do.

Well, I'm not so sure
I'm mature enough to do it.

Don't worry.
I'll do it.

We can't let her ruin her life,
can we?

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi.

Boys, I bought you
some underwear and socks.

Okay, don't tell me,
just let me guess.

The dog ate
the laundry again.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, Mom,

we have something to tell you

that's not
very pleasant.

It's about
Larry Metcalf.

He hasn't
been hurt or anything?

No, he's not the one
who's been hurt. You are.

He's got another girl,
Mom.

What are you talking about?

You're engaged
to be married to him,

aren't you?

Hi, everybody.
Can I come in?

Yes, maybe
you'd better.

Well, that doesn't sound
like too friendly an invitation.

Well, that's
because we're not friends.

Keith.

Oh, that's
all right, Shirley.

Let him talk.

I thought you liked me.

Do you know
the reason for this?

No.
But it better be good.

We don't like the way
you've been treating Mom,

and we want you to stop
hanging around her!

Keith!

You don't know the full story,
Mom.

Well, what is the full story?

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Oh, this is the right room.
I wasn't sure.

Y-- you brought her here?

Oh, why not?

This is my niece Tina.

I came into town
for her graduation.

Your niece?

You bought her
an engagement ring?

He bought me a ring

for my
graduation present.

Well, Keith,

you seem to have
run out of things to say.

SHIRLEY: All right.

I've talked a long time.

Now I hope you understand
why I'm so upset.

You've put me in a very
embarrassing situation

and probably ruined a friendship
that I value very highly.

I certainly hope
the next time you decide

to meddle into someone's life,

you'll examine
your own motives first.

Well,
at least there's one good thing.

You know Mom won't
stay mad long.

Mom never could
hold a grudge.

This time I
wouldn't be so sure.

Do you realize

we've completely
destroyed

any chance
of him proposing?

Why?

Do you think
he'd ask her to marry him

knowing the way
we feel about him?

After the things
I said.

How do we know
she even wants to marry him?

Couldn't
we ask her?

She'd say "no"

just to spare
our feelings, Tracy.

We'll never
really know.

Laurie's right.

We'll never know
whether we were the ones

that destroyed her chance
at happiness or not.

Wow.

What a terrible burden
to live with.

KEITH: Well, that's
about it, Mister Metcalf.

We--

we just wanted
you to know

that we realize
how stupid we acted,

and we're really sorry.

Oh, but that's okay, kids.
There's no damage done.

Then you'll propose?

Propose?

Don't mind her, Mr. Metcalf.

We were
feeling really rotten

because we thought
we might have ruined any chance

for you and Mom of having a...

future relationship.

So you go ahead
and propose if you want.

You have our blessing.

I see.

We're not forcing
you to or anything.

And we can't guarantee
she'll say "yes".

But we want it to be
her decision, not ours.

I understand.

Well, I'm...

glad we had this little chat.

No hard feelings
then, Mr. Metcalf.

No hard feelings.

Suite , please.

Oh, Shirley, this is Larry.

Look...

I need
a completely honest answer.

METCALF: How would you
describe our relationship?

Very good friends.

No romantic overtones?

Well, just enough
to make it interesting.

Shirley,
I have to see you tonight.

Will you marry me,
Shirley?

I-- I can't, Larry.

Why not?
Is it because of the kids?

No, no.

It has absolutely nothing
to do with the kids.

Then why?

Well, I--

I guess there are
a thousand reasons.

But the most important one
is that I--

I don't love you.

SHIRLEY: [IN OTHER ROOM]
I'm sorry, Larry.

I felt you deserved
to know the real reason.

We shouldn't have
been listening to that.

[CHUCKLES] I know,
but I'm sure glad we did.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[BOYS GIGGLING IN OTHER ROOM]

[EXHALES AND LAUGHS]

Oh,
that was terrific.

I somehow get the feeling
you've done this before.

No, no, but I--

I've been practicing
in front of a mirror

since this afternoon.

Look, are you sure
they heard us?

Oh, those walls are
paper thin.

Larry,
it was very sweet of you

to want to take my kids
off the hook.

What? Take them
off the hook?

Listen, do you know
what it's like

to be walking around
with the feeling

there are
five shot g*ns

in your back?

[LAUGHS]

Well, Larry, have you decided
what you're gonna do now?

Well, got an offer
this morning,

a bridge in Peru.

Are you going?

I'm considering it.

Well, if you ever decide
to give up engineering,

I'm sure you could
make it as an actor.

That was quite
a performance last night.

[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, well,

I'm not so sure
it was a performance.

Oh?

Shirley, what
would you say

if I really proposed?

Well, that depends.

Uh, would we get married
and settle down

before you build the bridge
or after?

Hmm.

I just figured out

why we never got together
years ago.

You know me too well.

[CHUCKLES]

Goodbye, Larry.

[♪♪♪]

Don't look
so sad, Mom.

We think you made
the right decision.

You do?

Sure. It never
would have worked out.

What makes
you think that?

CHRIS: Because he's an engineer
and you're a star.

What's that got
to do with anything?

Mom, everyone knows

those mixed marriages
never work.

[♪♪♪]