Metalocalypse: Army of the Doomstar (2023)

[bunniefuu]

(enthralling instrumental music playing)

(triumphant instrumental music playing)

(crowd cheering)

(man) People of the Earth,

for the first time since

heroically rescuing Toki Wartooth...

-Dethklok!

-(crowd cheering)

(Nathan) Oh, yeah!

I'm f*cking back, m*therf*ckers!

I'm f*cking back!

(man) Welcome back.

Your fans demanded that you rescued

your brother, and you did it.

So we have these fans

to thank for all of this.

(crowd cheering)

We do? f*ck yeah!

(voice echoes) And f*ck you all!

(host chuckles) Well, we're glad

to see you, and, you know,

for a minute there, we weren't sure

we'd ever see you again.

Well, you're f*cking wrong as sh*t,

you f*cking dipshit.

-(voice echoing)

-(crowd laughing)

(man) Well, uh, yeah.

It's been a...

Well, it's been a long time

since you put out a record.

-Here we go. Here we go.

-Here we go.

Your absence in the global marketplace

could cause some (laughing)

economic catastrophes if you don't--

(Nathan) Shut up. Shut your trap.

Just shut-- Close your mouth.

I'm gonna tell you something.

We have a three-point plan

to get new Dethklok

into your f*cking ears,

and mouth, and faces.

Number one, today,

we're announcing a world tour!

(crowd cheering)

Number two,

then we're making a new record!

(crowd cheering)

That's the plan. We planned it out.

Uh, so what's three?

-What?

-The third one?

(Nathan) I meant a two-point plan.

Still, though.

-(Pickles) Still.

-Well, I'd like to shift gears.

Toki, tell us about being rescued

by your own band after being abducted.

Well, I can't. Not really.

Just that Toki is happy to be back

with his brothers.

-Don't touch.

-(sighs softly)

But I'll tell you, it's weird.

One second, we're looking for Toki,

the next thing, we got Toki with us

and nobody remembers anything.

Well, actually, Nathan,

you remember some stuff, right?

-(voice echoes)

-(thrilling instrumental music playing)

Nathan?

What?

Yeah, we're just happy

to have Toki back with us

so we can f*ck this place up

with some f*cking metal.

(crowd cheering)

(man) Well, I'd like to talk about

Magnus Hammersmith. What a tragedy.

How does it feel

knowing that a former bandmate

was not only responsible

for the abduction,

but also took his own life?

Well, uh...

It's a real tragedy, but, you know...

Hey, we're just ready

to get back out there

and start kicking a*s.

(crowd cheering)

(band performing death metal)

(g*nsh*t)

-(roars)

-(thudding)

(male reporter) Crypto is crashing.

Velocity of money is going to zero.

The markets are plunging.

We're in a liquidity crisis.

Nathan expl*si*n cannot recapture

what Dethklok once was.

(female reporter) When was

their last record?

The right thing to do

would be to step aside or just quit.

Don't leave

the audience hanging.

Let the world move on.

(male reporter 2)

What about post-traumatic stress?

They say Nathan expl*si*n has been

in the medical ward at Mordhaus.

(female reporter 2) Well, I'm sure

they're filling him full of drugs

and pampering him like a rich celebrity.

(male reporter 3) What about

their longtime manager

CFO Charles Offdensen dropping out

and becoming

some kind of a spiritual kook?

It's not just the religious fanatics

worried on this Doomstar,

it's also NASA scientists.

(male reporter 4) Did you know

that Dethklok has their own army?

They have somewhere in the neighborhood

of 60,000 armed troops

all working for Dethklok.

(male reporter 5) Well, I'll tell you

what the whole thing is about.

Nathan expl*si*n's inaction.

Dethklok's army,

the economy in crisis, everything.

It's all about fear!

Fear. Fear. Fear.

(man shouts) Hey, target hit!

But the star is still too far away!

Payload chewed up

by atmospheric degradation.

-No matter. The beast was expendable.

-(wind blowing)

Farewell, sister of the krakish.

(wind howling)

(suspenseful music playing)

(Crozier) To my loved ones...

I give you a grave warning.

A monumental evil will take this planet.

Consider this my confession.

I unwittingly helped

to bring about the end of the world.

I was forced into compliance, possessed.

I have lost control of my actions,

thanks to a man whom I fear.

A beast, not of this Earth.

Take this and deliver it to my family.

Let no one know about it.

The only reason I can give this warning

is because my captor is in the stages

of possessing another.

Who? I do not know.

This will be the last

you will hear from me.

With love and regret.

You don't appreciate our endeavor?

Shame. Traitors.

This you must own, General.

You know better. (tuts)

We still have plans for you. Yes.

(Metal Masked Assassin) Take not

advantage of my kindness, General.

And to the rest of you,

there is still work to be done.

I must rest and collect strength.

(Stampingston)

Much could go wrong.

We're concerned about the threat

of this Army of the Doomstar,

"The Song of Salvation,"

and Charles Offdensen.

He's become studious

in the annals of the Metalocalypse.

He, too, is a danger.

Which is why I will bathe in his blood.

He must die by my hands.

(Stampingston) Grant me this, Lord.

(Metal Masked Assassin) Find and destroy

the Army of the Doomstar

and stop Nathan expl*si*n

from writing "The Song of Salvation."

And Offdensen will be your reward.

(voice echoes)

(fans clamoring)

(man 1) f*cking ugly f*cking star.

Just f*cking sitting there.

(man 2) I like it. It's like

a big cigarette burning your eye.

(man 3) Tell him to f*cking stop.

All right, come on, we gotta go.

(Klokateers) We are the gears

in the wheel of the clock.

We fear not our mortality.

We will serve

to the best of our ability.

We are the gears. Praise blackness.

(Charles) One of us has died.

His name was Ishnifus Meaddle.

High holy priest

of the Church of the Black Klok.

He devoted his life

to understanding the prophecy,

a puzzle he sought

to solve with all its fragmented--

(William) Die, m*therf*cker, die!

Jesus! f*ck!

Murderface, put that away

and show some respect.

Pickles, I have to go

tinkles to the bathroom.

(Pickles shushing) You just went.

I want Nathan

to take me to the bathroom.

(shushing)

Nathan isn't coming, you know.

I texted him.

Just shut up for a little bit, okay?

I don't like that.

(Pickles groans)

f*ck!

Pickles, I hate church!

Can't I at least wait in the car?

If I have to be here,

then you have to be here.

Well, you can't tell me what to do,

because you're not my f*cking mother!

(Pickles) Oh! Watch the language.

(Charles clears throat)

He left this unforgiving world with--

(William passes gas)

Excuse me.

Well, you are not excused.

That was deliberate.

Toki, don't lick the puke. Come on!

(whimpering)

(bawling)

Oh, great. Here we go again.

-Toki's always in trouble!

-Okay, all right.

No, you're not.

Just watch out for germs.

Sorry.

You know,

Toki's a little sensitive these days.

We think he's regressing

from, uh, you know, the whole thing.

Skwisgaar, take your brother

to the bathroom.

-Go. Go on.

-(Skwisgaar whines)

-Do I have to?

-Yes.

Get off of me. Don't touch Skwisgaar.

Take your brother to the bathroom.

Make sure he washes his hands.

And you too. And you too, Skwisgaar.

I heard you. God!

You watch it.

I will smack you.

(Skwisgaar) No, you won't.

No, you won't. You just...

Why are we fighting?

What are we doing here?

Your presence is requested

by Father Offdensen.

(Klokateers) We are the gears

in the wheel of the clock.

We fear not our mortality.

We will serve

to the best of our ability.

(Pickles) I'm having a hard time

wrangling those f*cking dickweed

f*ck. You know what I mean?

Pickles, Dethklok is about

to be challenged

in ways you don't know.

But we will need something

very important from you.

Oh?

Nathan will be called upon

in our time of need.

The responsibility

of saving the world falls...

-(glass breaking)

-...on him.

(crowd gasping)

(groans softly) Hi. Sorry.

Uh, I'm on Xanax.

Xanax is good.

I also had some red wine.

Then I started getting sleepy,

so I'm having some coffee.

I think I broke something expensive.

(coughing)

Did I, uh, miss the, uh...

Is it possible

to dim that light a little, please?

Is Abigail here?

I'm on Xanax.

(objects clattering)

Whoa. Whoa.

Uh, now it's too dim.

Burdened with so much already.

Though his trials have yet to begin.

(Edgar) Oh, Nathan. Nathan.

Ah, Nathan, a quick word, if you please.

I have something quite wonderful

to show you.

As you know,

I've been allotted vast resources

and wanted to display

my most recent endeavor.

I call it the universal--

f*ck off.

Oh. Yes. (chuckles nervously)

Perhaps we'll reconvene at a later date.

(Charles) Nathan is the key

to the final stage of the Metalocalypse.

But so are you.

Be his friend.

Even if it gets ugly, be a true friend.

That's all?

Yes. Goodbye, Pickles.

Oh, oh. Okay.

Hey, buddy. There you are.

(Pickles mutters nervously)

Fear, Nathan, it engulfs you.

Plagued by your nightmarish memories.

Unless you are vigilant,

you will drown in fear.

Um, hi.

-What?

-The rock, Nathan.

I need to speak to you.

The end of days are nigh.

The Metalocalypse is upon us.

The Great Reuniting.

All halves will be complete.

Salacia. Only he knows

what vile evils are in store.

Nathan, you will face him eventually.

Uh, is there a place to sit?

I've been on my feet--

"The Song of Salvation,"

how is that coming?

Uh, I'm working on it.

(Charles) The Doomstar...

creeps closer

to our atmosphere every day,

threatening cataclysmic destruction.

Our time is running out, Nathan.

There is, however, good news.

There is protection.

The prophecy speaks

of the Army of the Doomstar.

They will aid us in our time of need.

(groans softly)

Nathan, you must journey out

to find "The Song of Salvation."

I'm entrusting one of our newest

and best clergy members to guide you.

He will be your shaman,

your musical and mystical guide

through the tumult

of meaningful creativity.

You will go to an unknown location

and be instructed

in the spiritual ways--

Look, I can't be at the center of this.

I've been thinking lately

that life might actually be precious,

that this business asks too much of me.

So I want to start a new life.

A family with someone that I like.

Nathan, nobody can write the message

of the song but you.

I'm sorry.

There's something I've got to do.

Abigail!

Nathan. Hi.

It's just so good to see you.

I... I haven't seen you

since I pretty much saved your life,

and you know, you kissed me.

(chuckles nervously)

What's new?

Well, um, I've been seeing a therapist

to help me,

though I... I don't remember

much of anything.

Have you thought about

talking to a professional?

Actually, uh, I've been speaking

to a professional too.

A professional diamond salesman.

(people gasping)

I've been thinking a lot.

And the only thing that makes sense

in this whole f*cking

putrid piece of sh*t world is you.

What is he doing?

Please stand up.

Because when two people,

you know, each other--

Please stand up. Please.

-I guess what I'm saying, Abigail...

-(Abigail) Please stand up.

-...with all that is black and brutal...

-(Abigail) Nathan, please stand up.

...will you marry me?

No, Nathan.

No.

I'm not going to marry you.

What?

What?

At least take a lap around the block.

Think about it.

I mean, I'm being submissive here.

Look, I'm down.

I could go lower.

I could be on the ground.

It's got to count for something.

Nathan, we aren't even dating.

But you kissed me.

You saved my life and I gave you a kiss.

Look, I think you're a great guy.

-Oh, don't. Please.

-Now you figure out who you are...

-...and what you want.

-(Nathan) Please don't do that.

(Abigail) I'm sure you'll meet

the right girl.

(Nathan grunts)

Nathan, the whole reason I came here

was to stop all of this.

To end whatever you thought we were.

Well, I guess this just isn't my day.

Is it?

Nathan, I came here to say goodbye.

Goodbye.

-Abigail, come back!

-(crowd cheering)

(male fan) Hey, it's Nathan expl*si*n,

right f*cking there!

-(fans cheering)

-f*ck me.

(female fan) Where's our f*cking record?

What happened to the f*cking tour?

Go away!

Where is our sh*t, man?

(Nathan) What do you want

from me, anyway?

We're here for you, man.

We're here because we love you, bro.

No, you don't.

You're just a bunch of idiot fans.

We love you! You're a god!

What? No!

The reason I'm all screwed up

is because of you.

No matter what I give, you want more.

And I'm done.

I'm done giving.

-You mean nothing to me.

-(cheering stops)

(male fan) Hey, man, that's not nice.

(Nathan) In fact,

I want you out of my life.

So why don't you f*ck off?

f*ck off on a f*cking sh*t barge

to outer space.

'Cause...

'Cause I'm breaking up with you!

(all jeering)

Go away, God damn it!

Go away!

There's no way

this day could get any worse.

(man) Please welcome Dr. Rockzo,

the rock and roll clown.

Oh, f*ck.

(singing) Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

Is this in G? I thought this was...

This is in F.

A wretch like me

I can't hear the monitor, man.

I used to hit that note. Come on.

Give it to me now!

I once was lost and now I'm found

I was blind, but now I see

Give me a little more bass

in the monitor.

Dr. Rockzo knows

we all gotta die someday.

Years from now, even

Dr. Rockzo's gonna meet sweet hereafter.

But Dr. Rockzo knows he's going

to that backstage party in the sky.

And he knows he's gonna see St. Peter,

the bouncer at the pearly gates.

And you know St. Peter's gonna have

a little bit of cocaine, right?

And you know we're gonna have a party

with all the lovers that we had

and all the sexy mamas.

And the angels are gonna be

serving martinis.

And at some point,

that door's gonna fly open.

And who's gonna be standing there?

God himself.

And he's gonna party down

with all of us.

That's right.

Because we're all only here

a short time, baby!

And we gotta make the most of it all.

We gotta carry on,

and we must... We must love each other.

In the name of the Father

and the Son and the Holy Spirit...

cocaine.

I gotta blow some of these balloons.

Who wants a balloon?

I said, who wants a crucifix balloon?

(Toki) What ams wes gonna does?

Nathan won't come out of there.

Come on, he's been dumped.

He feels like trash.

Hey, Nathan.

You feel like chatting with us

a little bit?

(William) Let me at him.

I know how to talk to Nate.

Nathan, Murderface here.

Hey, bud.

Women are heartless monsters.

And f*ck those pieces of sh*t fans.

And f*ck those f*cking

dildo-licking douchebags

into a pool of f*cking fire!

Shut up, Murderface.

Look, Nate, just come out.

Maybe we'll have some c*ck

and French fries.

Hmm. Sounds great?

I've been thinking.

I don't get to have

what regular people have.

All I have are you f*ck.

And it f*cking sucks,

but it'll have to do.

Well, (chuckles nervously)

that's a clever way of saying it.

What I'm saying is,

all I have is jack sh*t here.

And I'm settling for what I got.

You idiots.

Okay, we get it.

So let's get the f*ck out of here

go write this song

of sal-f*cking-vation.

Your shorts have been pressed

and packed, sire.

May I prepare your toiletries?

Ah! No, thank you. Why don't you just

throw yourself down the stairs. Bye.

Sire.

Hello?

Who's there?

(enchanting instrumental music playing)

(groaning)

(groans)

(breathing heavily)

(dramatic instrumental music playing)

(inaudible)

(Pickles) Whoa! What is this?

(Nathan) Apparently,

we're supposed to work

with some kind of a song guru here.

(Knubbler) Welcome to Dais Keep.

(gong rumbles)

(grunting)

(thuds)

Well, hi.

f*cking Knubbler.

Are you kidding?

He's our spiritual musical guide?

Well, uh, yeah, babe.

This guy's an idiotic

drug-mongering piece of sh*t, like us.

How's that going to work?

Don't overthink it.

You know, it's fine. It'll be fine.

(Toki) Hey, where are you

taking our stuff?

Well, away, you know.

Gone, you know.

There are some rules here.

No computers, no screen time,

no contact with the outside world, okay?

I mean, this is going to be

unorthodox for you.

This is a holy place,

a place hidden away for centuries.

A place of purity,

a wonderful place of--

Hey, this is your water supply

for your time here, all right, baby?

(William) Uh, wasn't aware.

(Knubbler) Now you know.

What is music? Hmm?

Think about it. What is that stuff?

Music is a telegraph, baby.

It's an invisible cluster

of f*cking frequencies and vibrations

that when done right,

infects the listener's soul

with f*cking cool a*s emotion.

It's the power

to change a person's feelings,

my beautiful little babies.

Their attitude,

perhaps even their whole life.

And this is why you are here.

To write "The Song of Salvation."

Oh-oh, there's a fire right here.

Get an extinguisher!

(Nathan) Uh, this may be

a dumb question at this point,

but what is "The Song of Salvation?"

-Nobody knows.

-Huh.

Well, do we at least know

the running time, roughly--

Nobody knows.

Does we at least know

what keys it ends in?

(whispering) Nobody knows.

What happens if we do it wrong?

That we do know.

The world will be bathed in blood

and foul repugnance,

and molten metal will rain

from the skies, babe.

The Earth will be a hellscape.

f*ck will be dying and sh*t.

All that is good will be dead.

The Metalocalypse!

(voice echoes)

(Knubbler) Fellas, the good news is that

the song already lives inside of you.

The reason you cannot see it is because

it is being blocked by your egos.

Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

(Knubbler) Your ego and fear

is what keeps--

How does a song save the world?

Can you at least tell us that?

I cannot because I don't know.

(William) Not helpful.

Uh, well, after you've written the song,

you will rehearse and play

from our studios

broadcasting around the planet

to millions of adoring fans.

The fans.

Nathan, as band lyricist,

a lot of the weight will fall on you.

The weight of the world.

Well, that's a lot of weight.

But you will never crumble

as long as you believe in yourself.

So, do you, babe?

Here is your only writing challenge.

Choose a person in your life

with whom you'd like

to have a conversation.

That's all.

If you can do that, then the rest

will come like a powerful waterfall.

(chuckles softly)

Figure out who that person is,

okay, babe?

Let's talk band roles.

A band is a family.

There's a father, a mother,

brothers, a sister.

So let's talk about what each of you

are really bringing to the table.

Pickles, what's your role?

Uh, to play the drums.

Good. Murderface, quick. Come on.

-Come on, come on, come on.

-Okay.

-I'm a f*cking bass player, so...

-(Knubbler) Come on, come on, come on.

I don't have a f*cking role,

so f*ck off, right?

Nah. Wrong. We'll come back. Nathan?

-Uh, easy on the sad guy.

-(Knubbler) What?

I'm... I'm joking.

I'm... I'm the lyricist/front man,

of course.

You know, the f*cking king,

basically, baby.

-What?

-(Nathan) I'm kidding.

I'll write this song.

Don't you worry. I got it.

-(Knubbler) Good. Yeah!

-I'm the band's guitar god.

I am the sunshine rainbow

marshmallow man.

(Knubbler) Yes, you are. Great.

Well, everybody seems

to know their place.

Except you, Murderface.

You still don't really know

what you bring to the table, do you?

Well, what do you think, g*ng?

Can we help him figure out his role,

since he doesn't really know?

(Pickles) Uh, I don't know.

He's always talking sh*t.

(Nathan) Oh, yeah. He's always telling

us whatever we're doing f*cking sucks.

-(Knubbler) Okay.

-(Toki) He's generally in a shitty mood.

-He brings that to the table.

-(Knubbler) What else?

(Skwisgaar) When we feel good

about the parts,

he complains that it sucks.

(Pickles) He likes to explain why

little tiny things we do in a song suck.

(Toki) His attitude sucks.

-(Nathan) His job is to suck. He sucks.

-(all) Sucks!

(Knubbler) Murderface,

this helping out, babe?

(wind blowing)

(video game beeping)

(door rattling)

-(door opens)

-(creepy whispers)

(wind howling)

(enthralling instrumental music playing)

(Metal Masked Assassin) Look.

Look into my eyes.

You belong to me now.

You will be cunning.

You will find the location

of the Army of the Doomstar.

And Nathan expl*si*n...

you must crush his confidence.

Sleep.

(grunts) f*ck this!

There's got to be a better way.

(knocking)

Look, I know you got a laptop in there.

I need to make a call.

Oh, boy. You're kind of putting me

in a rough spot here, buddy.

You know we're not supposed to have

any electronics while we're here.

There. Come on. Don't be a dildo.

Aren't you worried

about Knubbler catching you?

It's cheating. (sighing)

Just promise me

(distorted) you won't go online

and read the horrible sh*t

the press is saying about you, okay?

(William) They're saying you don't have

the goods anymore

that you're just some fat celebrity.

That you're weak.

That you should just hang it up.

(Nathan) Abigail.

(William) Oh, and that

Abigail was only with you

because she was scared of getting fired.

You know, that kind of sh*t.

Either way, it's all just noise.

Pay it no mind, okay?

Good pep talk.

How's it goin', Nate?

(excitedly) Oh, Nathan, we missed you!

Are you okay?

(Rose) You look upset.

(Oscar) Is your screen frozen?

-(groans)

-Hey, guys, what's up?

What, are you napping or something?

Anyways.

Hey, you know why we're not supposed

to have any screen time, right?

And the boiler exploded

and the people behind

on the roller coaster got splashed.

Can you do anything with that?

Oh, f*ck. Gross.

Mom, that's not the help

I'm looking for.

Either way,

I'm sure you'll figure it out.

You always do.

I don't think I can this time.

And If I don't, the world will end.

Oh, come on.

You're always so tough on yourself.

The world won't end.

Yes, it will. It will.

Hey, just wanted to say how sad we are

that Abigail didn't work out.

(Nathan roars)

Why can't everybody just f*ck off!

(Oscar) Nathan.

f*ck!

f*ck. Now you're pissed.

I am disappointed.

(bell dinging)

(Skwisgaar) Stop ringing that bell

for f*ck's sake.

(Pickles) What the f*ck.

It's early for breakfast, dude. sh*t.

Look at all this exquisite food.

Maybe I'll make a little plate

for myself.

I'll have a little of this.

Uh-oh. Dropped it on the floor.

Whoopsie-daisy.

Maybe I'll just drop it all

on the f*cking floor.

-(dish clatters)

-Gives me a f*cking idea.

What the f*ck is he doing?

-(Toki) Oh, no.

-(William) My God, man!

-(dishes clattering)

-What are you doing?

You're wrecking all the food, man!

We are running out of time.

Rules are being broken.

So, we must speed up training.

You need to be hungry.

Work hard.

The fun is over.

You must be able to play anything.

A band must function

with military precision, eye contact.

You must be able to read

each other's minds.

There lies the tree of knowledge.

And here is the challenge.

Water the tree.

If you can do that,

then you can reclaim your strength.

(grunts)

-(Nathan grunts)

-(Knubbler) Whoopsie-daisy!

(maniacal laughter)

We must strengthen your musical resolve.

Toki, tune that guitar, babe.

Look, this is a clip-on guitar tuner.

If you play a note, it will tell you

what note it is and if it is in tune.

-(strumming)

-See?

(Swisgaar) Start practicing again.

That's when you was good.

(Metal Masked Assassin) Awaken.

(thrilling instrumental music playing)

Find them.

(Klokateers chanting)

(Knubbler) We are the gears

in the wheel of the clock.

(Klokateers) We fear not our mortality.

We will serve

to the best of our ability.

We are the gears. Praise blackness.

Murderface?

What are you doing down here?

The Army of the Doomstar is here.

You must swear a sacred oath

to keep this a secret.

Too many lives are at stake.

Now go back to bed.

-(groaning in pain)

-(crunching)

You found the Army of the Doomstar,

didn't you?

(screaming)

The location, give it to me.

-Give it to me. Give it to me.

-(Swisgaar) Murderface!

f*ck off! What?

Hi. (shuddering)

You were screaming

in your sleep.

Was that you I've seen

roaming the halls at night?

f*ck you! No!

(stutters) What are you doing,

watching me?

Get up. They want us outside.

(Pickles) Come on, Nathan.

You can do it.

I believe in you, buddy.

-(Nathan grunts)

-Go, Nathan.

Come on. You're almost there.

(grunts)

Come on.

(groans)

(groaning)

-(Nathan yelps)

-(sniggers) Ow!

Oh, my God. He couldn't do it.

But it's not about getting to the top.

It's about what we do when we fail.

(Nathan) f*ck!

(voice echoes)

(rain pattering)

(gong dings)

(man yells)

Don't despair, babes.

At the end,

you will find all the answers.

Nathan, have you found someone

you would wish to communicate with?

No.

I don't know what salvation is.

Hope isn't a metal concept.

People don't come to me for salvation.

They come to me if they want a song

about how your guts will be liquefied

by a weed whacker.

I sing about death,

not about how you'll live.

And all I can think to do is write

what I know.

The most furious and f*cked up,

the most brutal song ever written.

I guess.

And you think this will be

"The Song of Salvation?"

Well, it's all I f*cking got.

I don't know. I think this plan sucks.

(Knubbler) I've done my best

to guide through

the labyrinth of creative discovery.

Together, we work to give fertility

to the soil of your soul.

What?

And now we're down to the last

and most important lesson.

-Drugs.

-What?

Oh, yeah.

This is mare viridates.

Weed from the sea.

It helps us to see and feel that

which we cannot in our conscious state.

The truth.

But can you ask the right questions

and get to the core of yourself?

(laughing maniacally)

(Whale Prophet) If you are ready

to seek help, then confess.

I doubt myself.

(Whale Prophet)

But you must doubt yourself.

I can't do what I'm asked to do.

(Whale Prophet)

And why do you think that is?

Die.

(Whale Prophet) But you are the beast

daughters of the apocalypse.

You must bring about the end to live.

Nothing makes sense.

(Whale Prophet)

You sink in the darkness.

But now is the time for you to choose.

Will you be the fist or the hand?

One strikes at all before them.

The other reaches out for other life.

What will happen must happen.

As long as there is life, there is hope.

What is that?

(Knubbler) The deadline is here.

(upbeat instrumental rock music playing)

(Knubbler) This is it. We go live now.

This is our only shot.

Believe in yourselves and we are gold.

(chimes)

Hello, everybody. It's me, Facebones.

Welcome to the Dethklok

live stream event.

Please enjoy. It will be on in ten,

nine,

eight,

seven,

six,

five...

(Whale Prophet)

What is it that you desire to be?

-The fist or the hand?

-(Facebones) ...four, three...

-My God. Is this the wrong song?

-...two...

One.

(heavy metal music playing)

We're all going to die

We're all going to die

We're all going to die eventually

Toxic waste, acidic paste, degradation

Crushed by a plane, driven insane

Mutilation

Cranial glitch, dumped in a ditch

Gangrenous stitch

Fever has entered your soul

How could you be

So f*cking naive?

Fled for refuge

You fell to your knees

You spoke the words

And brandished your heart

You left yourself open

To be torn apart

Torn apart

Aortic desecration

How could I be so wrong?

Disemboweled publicly

This is the dying song

(lightning cracking)

Bleed

Bleed

Bleed

Bleed

Aortic desecration

(song ends)

My God, how did they find us?

(Pickles) Run!

Skwisgaar, no!

(helicopters hovering)

(dramatic instrumental music playing)

(expl*si*n)

(shattering)

(explosions)

(g*ns firing)

-(expl*si*n)

-(thrilling instrumental music playing)

(expl*si*n)

(Metal Masked Assassin) You did this.

(yells)

Please get out of my head!

(switch trills)

(thud)

(lightning strikes)

(Nathan) Pickles,

pull it together, buddy.

-(Pickles gasping for air)

-(Toki) He wants his guitar.

-It comforts him.

-(Skwisgaar groans)

It happened like the prophecy said,

the Metalocalypse.

Anyone seen Murderface?

I saw him run away somewhere...

(panting) Out there.

(Crozier) You were infiltrated.

You.

(choking) I come in peace.

I can help you.

You've got nobody else, anyway.

(breathing heavily)

The Army of the Doomstar is gone.

All of them. They're all dead.

(Swisgaar groaning softly)

If you want me to take a look at him,

I can help.

He's in shock from the expl*si*n,

but he'll be back to normal soon.

(Toki) Here, Skwisgaar, you want

to make sure you are in tune.

-(guitar plays tune)

-What are you playing there?

Start talking. Why are you here?

Years ago, I was seduced by the power

of what I thought was a man.

Salacia.

Yes. But when I started to do

some digging, he didn't like that.

He took control over me.

He possessed me.

He used me.

He used the power of the military.

He wanted to k*ll the people

protecting you,

the Army of the Doomstar.

And he gloated about possessing another

in order to get close.

(Toki) Skwisgaar, what are you playing?

But what Salacia couldn't control

was that while he possessed the other,

I was free.

So I jumped,

thinking it would all be over.

But something in the water

terrified Salacia

and it drove him out.

So who was it that betrayed us?

Uh... Guys.

Oh, my God. He knew.

Murderface.

(heavy metal instrumental music playing)

(Crozier) He was weak and vulnerable

to Salacia's spell as I was,

and forced to do the unspeakable.

Your friend is innocent,

but Salacia, he's still inside of him.

If you can find your friend,

you can save him.

(William roars lightly)

(groans)

(Crozier) You'll have to perform

an exorcism.

You've got to submerge him

until the beast exits his body.

-(all grunting)

-Be careful, you could k*ll him.

(yelling)

One, two, three!

(muffled groans)

(groaning)

Come and find me, Nathan expl*si*n.

You all will die.

(thrilling instrumental music playing)

(heaving)

Get away from me!

Don't you know what I've done?

But it wasn't you.

You said it.

I have no role in this band.

What? Of course you do.

Your role is to suck.

It's so important to us that you suck.

You're the voice of dissent.

Don't you get it?

Without you, we're fooling ourselves.

No.

I'm no better than Magnus.

Hey, no.

Magnus never gave us a chance

to forgive him.

He was too busy being angry and selfish.

But we forgive you, Murderface.

You bring balance to this band

by sucking.

You suck so f*cking much,

we can't live without you.

(Toki) Come back to us.

Suck the life out of

every waking moment with us.

Come back and suck.

But you can't even hear the bass.

(Nathan) But you can always feel it.

(Toki) What do we do now?

(Nathan) I f*cked up.

I wrote the wrong song.

So, everybody should blame me.

I guess I'm no g*dd*mn good after all.

Ow! What the f*ck.

-What do you...

-Ow!

What's happening?

You feeling sorry for your dumpy a*s,

you little dildo f*ck?

Ow!

f*cking Knubbler gave you one job,

but you f*cked it up, didn't you,

you little d*ck lick.

Find one person to communicate with--

But everybody abandoned me.

Nope. You shut down and pushed them out

like a f*cking

little douchebag dildo, frankly.

Quit hitting me.

First thing is, I'm feeling much better.

Thank you all.

And number two, this is weird.

Should we get going?

The question is, what would you say

if they were all in your life, stupid?

What would you say?

I'd say, I...

I'd say, "Come back."

Come back, and maybe together

we can fight all of this.

Now, that would be a pretty good

"Song of Salvation," actually, you know.

Holy sh*t!

That is "The Song of Salvation."

I mean, none of this is about me or us.

It's about everybody else that's alive.

I'm just a little part of it.

I'm just a gear

in the wheel of the clock.

Holy sh*t. That's what that means.

This is it. We have to find a way

to play this song.

Then we're going to find that f*ck

who f*cked up Murderface,

the f*ck who's f*cking up

this whole planet.

And we're gonna go f*ck him up.

See how he likes it.

The Dethjet. If it wasn't destroyed,

it can get us out of here.

(triumphant instrumental music playing)

(Toki) Try not to k*ll us, Pickles.

Toki, be a good boy and bring Mommy

a scotch, okay? I got this.

Whoa!

So, what's your plan?

It's not mine. It's his.

What the f*ck is this piece of sh*t

doing inside of my lab--

This piece of sh*t's with us now.

-Hi. Sorry about everything.

-(Edgar) Heh!

Are you, then?

This is the universal stereo.

It's a PA system

that can amplify a concert

for the entire planet.

If that's the case,

then we'll need to hardwire in.

Correct, Skwisgaar.

Computer, deploy the universal stereo.

There are five major points

that must be plugged in.

Each of you will have to fly and plug

in to the audio-ins at the patch base

located at one of the five points.

Each of your flight pods is equipped

with an autopilot.

You'll just have to be guided

through the plug-in process.

Then meet at the stage center

so that you can play the song.

(Crozier) My God, this is amazing.

(Edgar) No sh*t, Sherlock.

(all scream)

(Nathan groans)

Nathan's been hit.

(Nathan) I'm okay.

Just a cosmetic wound.

I've been thinking about Salacia.

You told us to find him.

So, let's say we do find him,

then what are we supposed to do?

He's more powerful

than anything this planet knows.

Even worse,

he's going to become stronger.

He calls it The Great Reuniting.

And he's bringing reinforcements.

And what you're calling the Doomstar

isn't just a star.

It's also a portal to another place

and time, and a weapon.

He built the world's

biggest superconductor,

so then he could pull the star

closer to the earth--

Note, it's also terrifying the planet.

(Nathan) I don't understand

what this has to do with us.

A powerful force is needed

to wedge open

the Doomstar's portal gates

so that the half man could be completed.

The rest of the souls,

that force is you.

It gave me gifts as well.

The Dethlights.

My God.

(Edgar) You should be in range now.

Okay. Everybody else good?

Nathan, what's going on?

Bad news.

-(spark sputters)

-Hit I took fused the compartment shut.

Then you'll have to do it manually.

Oh, boy.

-(Edgar) Nathan, look out!

-(grunts)

-(Nathan grunts)

-Oh, no! Nathan!

It's okay. I'm alive.

(groans)

Now what do I do?

You see a gigantic cable?

-Yeah.

-(Edgar) I'm sending you towards it.

(Nathan mutters) Oh, f*ck! Oh, sh*t!

Got it. Guide me in.

I need to say something to my band.

Pickles, Skwisgaar, Murderface, Toki,

you stood by me after Abigail dumped me.

You never gave up on me.

And in case you're wondering,

we never had sex.

(Pickles) Really?

Yeah.

(Pickles) sh*t.

(Nathan) That's okay,

'cause it wouldn't have been right.

And Abigail...

Abigail, wherever you are in this world,

I'm sorry that I tried to

force something that wasn't there.

I respect you

and I want you to be happy.

And I'll grow stronger

because I'll always have

my relationship with music.

(force blowing)

(Pickles) All right!

(William) m*therf*cker, way to go!

(Edgar) We're flying the stage craft

towards Batsfjord, Norway,

near the Arctic Circle.

There's great deal

of magnetic activity and striation.

That's where Salacia is.

You'll see

I've upgraded your instruments.

They're to your exact specifications

and then some.

Oh, cool!

My teddy bear.

Hey, you're one hell of a m*therf*cker.

I am but a gear

in the wheel of the clock.

We got something we been working on,

so you just got to bring the message.

You're the absolute best

mother... f*ck.

m*therf*cker.

I'll see you on stage.

I'll see you on stage.

(Pickles) This one's for Knubbler!

(voice echoes)

(heavy metal music playing)

(thunder rumbling)

(rumbling continues)

(Nathan) People of Earth...

this is Dethklok.

You don't have to be afraid anymore.

Last breath skyward

Dark sign, closing line

No time to mend this life

Take this hand

This last time

We're the shadows of the infinite

We stand alive

We're nothing but the soil of time

Beasts in the night

Reach with my open hand

Bound for all time

In the shadows of the blazing star

Fused with the light

Now rise!

Rise!

Rise!

Rise! Rise!

Rise!

Rise!

sh**t them down, now!

Move it out, move it out

Brace for a crash landing.

(Pickles) Here we go!

You want to get k*lled or you want

a chance to join something good?

(crash landing)

(Pickles) You know,

if you think you're making us

sh*t our pants over here...

Close.

Take them.

Tonight, all things change.

Sad, isn't it?

But, pledge your allegiance to me,

and I will k*ll your friends quickly.

I'm offering a seat at the table.

Well, I'm good on furniture right now.

I don't need any chairs or...

Hmm...

I think I got...

I got everything I need.

(Metal Masked Assassin) Be quiet!

You're just as mentally inept

as they said you were.

Just takes me a long time

to learn stuff.

When this ends, I will crucify you,

but I won't k*ll you.

I will keep you alive

in wretched misery.

You know, you don't really have

to go to the trouble.

(grunts)

How was the conversation?

It was good.

Well, hey, what's that?

(Toki) It's my last meal.

I've got some bowls of kombuchas.

I never tried it before.

(belches) Like a vinegar soda.

Oh, yeah, yours is over there.

I, uh, ordered for you.

(Nathan) Chocolate milk

and Cool Ranch Doritos.

Hmm. You know, I've always said

it's the best thing--

The best thing

a death metal vocalist can eat.

sh*t. You really know me.

(sighing)

I don't know what else to say.

I think we're going to die.

Really? Really dead?

Yeah. I think we're gonna die.

(chuckles nervously)

-Toki, try to be strong.

-Okay.

Try to be strong.

I never even finished Planet Piss.

I'm gonna be one of those dildos

that everybody knows

can't complete a project.

Everybody else will be dead too,

so who cares, really?

(sighs) Death, it's a real

get-out-of-jail-free card, isn't it?

Well, I guess I'll see you

in the afterlife, Skwisgaar.

Hanging out every day for eternity.

So you're saying we're going to hell?

I've been thinking

about the Dethlights.

Can we ever summon that power again?

Was that power even ours?

Or was it the Doomstar doing it all?

You know, to stop us from being k*lled.

Yeah. To protect us

so that we can be used

for something even more horrible.

This.

(dramatic instrumental music playing)

(lightning strikes)

I'm the gear in the wheel of the clock.

I fear not my mortality.

I will serve to the best of my...

(chanting)

(chanting continues)

(Salacia) Behold!

The Great Reuniting!

(chanting)

No!

(screams)

(chanting)

The Doomstar portal is open!

Summoning the four souls

to cascade forth

and fuse into the half man

making him whole again.

It's happening.

(woman) Look. It's coming closer.

(people screaming)

It's happening.

It's happening!

It's happening!

(Nathan) I'm the gear

in the wheel of the clock.

I fear not my mortality.

I will serve to the best of my ability.

(Edgar) He's alive.

Growing in power.

(Crozier) Good.

(Edgar) Well, I think a tad bit faster.

Now get me to that contraption

before they fix it. Now mush.

(Crozier) I'm working on it.

It was nice working with you.

-(Edgar) Yes.

-(guard) Somebody's inside.

-My brother, at last I'll be with you.

-(spark buzzing, beeping)

(explosions)

(Vater) No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no!

It's still alive.

I can see its heart beating.

Dethklok is of no use to us now.

k*ll them.

It's too late.

It's over.

-(fans chanting)

-What's that sound?

(fans) Dethklok!

-Dethklok!

-They came.

Who came?

The fans!

They heard us.

(Skwisgaar) "The Song of Salvation"

worked.

(William) The fans.

I've always loved them!

Team A, that thing is vulnerable.

We need to squash it

before it's too late.

Team B, protect Dethklok.

Let's end this.

(grunts)

(Charles) Stay away from them.

Those are my spiritual saviors

you're f*cking with.

-(grunts)

-(yelps)

(both grunting)

-(grunts)

-(groans)

(Charles) No!

(breathing heavily)

(straining)

(straining)

(groans)

(William) Hey!

Sorry. I thought you were somebody else.

(sobbing)

Please don't k*ll me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-(knife pierces)

-(gasps)

(groans in pain)

-(grunts)

-(vehicle approaching)

(screaming)

(guard grunts)

All members of the US military,

stand down!

Do not hurt the civilians.

They're not the enemy.

Protect them at all costs.

(shrill noise)

(dramatic music playing)

(people screaming)

(roars)

(heavy metal music playing)

Go into the waters.

Don't you know

only a god can k*ll a god?

(Whale Prophet moans)

(all groaning in pain)

(retching)

That was upsetting!

(gasps)

Oh, it's my teddy bear.

Oh, cool.

Holy sh*t. Did we survive?

(fans cheering)

(fans in unison)

Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklok!

(clears throat)

I, uh, have something to say.

-Shut the f*ck up for one second!

-(fans stop chanting)

I wanna say thank you.

I mean, you're not just the fans,

you're...

My God, you are

the Army of the Doomstar.

Holy sh*t.

I'm just putting that together.

I mean, you were always

the Army of the Doomstar,

and you were always

right in front of me.

And I just didn't see it.

I mean, sure,

our relationship could get tricky,

but you were always there for us.

I mean, holy f*cking sh*t!

And I'm sorry

I tried to break up with you.

But you came

when we needed you the most.

And I just realized something else.

Oh, boy.

My family, my band, all of us.

This! This is The Great Reuniting!

(heavy metal music playing)

Thank you!

(fans cheering)

(Nathan) What a f*cking day! Right?

(heavy metal music continues)

(upbeat instrumental rock music playing)