Is everything all right?
It would be fine if you
weren't breathing down my neck.
Next time you eat garlic,
please do it after the robbery,
thank you very much.
D'accord.
What did I tell you?
What did I tell you?
You have to make sure
the sh*t works, okay?
Who are your partners?
Oh, I don't know. I don't know.
Are you telling me you don't know
who you're working with?
I don't know.
How long were you
planning this heist?
I don't know.
Are you the one who tried
to rob the Salome statues
six months ago in Rome?
I don't know.
You don't know much, do you?
I don't know. No idea.
Maybe you'd like
six months in the hole.
How would you like that?
I don't know.
Well, I do know.
You won't like it one bit.
Maybe we postpone
your trial date indefinitely.
What do you think of that?
L'll be out of any jail
you put me in by : Friday.
And why is that?
Because I have to see
someone at : on Friday.
You all right, Mom?
Mom? You all right?
Sure, sure.
Am I dead?
No, Mom, you're not dead.
Damn it!
Oh, Henry.
I know you have...
I know you have to go.
Honestly, I'm so proud of you, son.
I'm just gonna miss you so much.
I know, I know.
No, no, no.
No more smoking. Come on.
Henry, it's all I've got left.
That's not true.
Wait a second.
What, what, what?
No. No, Mom.
Yes, Henry.
Like your soda?
Yeah, thank you.
You're such a good son, Henry.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you're leaving.
Your father
would be so proud of you.
I'm not so sure about that.
Why do you say that, Henry?
Because I'm an FBI agent,
and he d*ed in jail.
True, true,
but he'd still be proud of you.
Look, you know that I might
not be able to contact you,
you know, maybe... maybe even at all
while I'm on this operation,
but I want you to know
that I am gonna be okay.
Make sure of that, Henry,
because you're all I've got.
Here you go.
Here you go.
Hello?
Mom?
Who the hell are you?
Excuse me.
Excuse me... miss?
Oh, my God.
Henry!
Mom?
Careful on the deck.
Very slippery.
I see that, but when did
you get a pool put in?
Oh, Henry, I kicked ass
in the stock market. I really did.
You wouldn't believe
how much money I made.
Oh, my stocks just kept splitting
and splitting and splitting.
That's great.
Okay, great.
Hey, listen. Okay, okay.
Here. You wanna know what,
why don't you take this, okay,
and cover those up.
Oh, Henry. For God's sake,
I'm not gonna cover anything up.
These were very, very expensive.
There's so much I have to tell you.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, go slow.
Okay. Okay.
So I dropped you off at the airport
and went to get a cup of coffee.
What was in it?
Well, honestly, a lot of sugar,
but that's not the point.
This guy dropped a quarter in my cup.
I should've kissed that man on the lips.
- Oh, Mom.
- Yep.
He saved my life.
I looked like a bag lady.
So I said, "Marty, you've gotta be
making some changes."
Who's Marty?
I don't go by Martha anymore.
Okay.
Well, Mom, I have
a surprise for you, too.
Yes?
I'm engaged.
You're engaged?
I got engaged to a wonderful woman
by the name of Emily
who also works in the Bureau,
and she's flying in this afternoon.
Oh, Henry! Oh, my God!
Mom?
This is Emily.
Oh, Emily!
Oh, Mrs. Durand.
Oh, Marty.
Oh, I have a daughter.
Henry.
Oh, she's lovely.
God, something smells great.
Yeah, oh, I'm making
Henry's favorite turkey casserole.
Don't expect anything too edible,
'cause I haven't made it in a long time.
Oh, no, I'm sure it'll be great.
I don't even care about the food.
I'm just so happy
we're all together finally.
You know, Henry told me
so much about you.
In fact, you were
kind of all he talked about.
Kind of worried about how obsessed
he seemed, but now I see why.
Well, I hope you like garlic
because I made these...
spanakopita appetizers,
and there's a very spicy
red garlic dip.
This is great.
You have to try this.
Well, I got it from this Italian chef
that I was dating.
You... you have a boyfriend?
A boyfriend? No.
Hell, no. Not gonna make
the mistake I made with your father.
- Okay, good.
- I have several boyfriends.
Party hearty, Marty.
You okay?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
So, Emily, what is it
that you do at the FBI?
Are you a field agent like Henry?
Yeah, I work in the field,
but mostly I do psychological profiling.
Right on, right on,
like Clarice Starling.
Well, nothing that exciting, but yeah.
Mom, you've barely
touched your food.
I don't mean to be rude
to you guys,
but there was something
that I wanted to do later on.
There was some business
that I needed to take care of.
Over dinner?
Yeah, but I can change my plans.
No, don't be silly.
Don't change your plans 'cause of us.
Where are you going?
It's :.
Well, my date's not coming till :,
and Henry, don't worry... after :,
I don't turn into a pumpkin.
So, tell us about your boyfriends.
Okay. All right.
Well, where will I start?
Well, there was Enrico, the chef.
He was adorable.
He just wouldn't let me go.
He would sit outside
on the front lawn at night
just sobbing like a child.
It was really just heartbreaking.
Just sad.
Right?
Don't make me miss him.
Emily knows what I mean.
Anyway, it just took me
a long time to realize
that there was
something missing inside.
- Missing from inside the house?
- No, Henry.
Missing inside here, spiritually.
So started my quest
for enlightenment,
inner peace, inner joy,
the person
who'd gotten buried alive
in a sea of nicotine
and packaged cakes...
Yeah. This is so great.
Yeah, yeah.
So what did you do?
I went to India.
You went to India?
Yeah.
You used to never leave the house.
Then I went to Tibet
and I studied Buddhism,
and I read the Koran,
and then studied Kabala.
And then I understood.
What?
That the whole world is
one truth-seeking organism,
and so it doesn't matter
if your science is religion
or your religion is science,
because we all seek meaning.
We all seek our reason for being.
That is so beautiful.
And the reason why we're here is...?
To have fun,
because it's all over too freakin' fast.
Marty!
Well, l'll get that.
Hey, honey, can you get that?
Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.
Can I help you?
Yeah, dude, I'm here for Marty.
Dude?
What?
No, no, no.
You said "dude."
Yeah.
Hey, Mom, there's some kid here.
He just called me dude.
- You want me to just...
- That's Eddie!
I can wait out here.
Okay. Well, could you please
tell me that Eddie is here
to collect money
for the newspaper
or try and sell me
a magazine subscription?
- Where is he?
- He's on the front porch.
That's rude, Henry.
- Eddie. Hi.
- Hey.
Hey. I'm so sorry.
My son didn't know who you were.
Oh, it's okay.
You can't be too careful about
who you let in the house, right?
Yeah, dude.
Oh, my gloves.
L'll be right back.
So, back to living with Mom, huh?
Yep.
You were doing some sort
of secret ops sort of stuff, right?
Yeah.
Would you tell me about it?
If I did, it wouldn't be a secret.
Yeah.
That's awesome.
- Did you ever k*ll anybody?
- Not yet.
All right. Got 'em.
Good night, Henry.
Bye, Mom.
What's that, Eddie?
That's the beast, my dear.
Beast tonight.
You know it.
Very special of you
to bring the beast, Eddie.
You only deserve the best, darling.
Don't wait up, Henry!
Did that sound like a Harley?
Something passes by this house
every seconds, Henry.
Come back to bed.
- She can take care of herself.
- Marty!
- She's a grown woman.
- Marty!
- She did a bang-up job raising you.
- I love you!
Wait a minute.
- What is it, honey?
- Nothing. Go back to bed.
No woman has ever
made me feel like this before.
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
And I know you want me, too!
Jiminy Cricket, really, honey?
I know!
I can feel it in my bones.
What is this guy doing?
I want to make sweet love to you,
and I want to do it...
now!
What's so funny?
Your mom must be
a hottie in bed.
Emily!
- What? Does that bother you?
- Yes! It does. It bothers me.
We're sexual beings, Henry.
It is the denial of it
that gets us into trouble.
I'm gonna call the cops on you!
Marty!
Will you go get me my g*n?
Oh, God, leave him alone.
Come on.
Just leave him be, Henry.
Come on. Come to bed.
Let's fool around.
You want... you want to fool around
with this nut outside?
Yeah.
I'm getting it myself.
Would you ever do that for me
if we broke up?
Do what? Drive an expensive car
and get drunk on your lawn?
No. To hell with him, Henry.
Just come to bed.
We haven't seen
each other in weeks.
Wait, why would you say that?
Why would you even think
about breaking up?
We just got engaged.
A little sympathy here,
Emily, all right?
I'm sitting here,
it's my first night back at home,
I've got some drunk Italian chef
serenading my mother
who's not even here...
where is she?
She's on a date riding
some young guy's beast.
At least somebody is.
Hello, Enrico.
I'm Henry.
I'm Martha...
Marty's son.
I'm gonna be staying here awhile.
The one in the FBI.
That's the one.
Tell your mother that I
can't live without her.
Yeah, I'm sure
she's gotten the message.
Ciao.
You come to my restaurant,
I take care of you. Very good.
I make wonderful Kung Pao chicken.
You might like it.
I'm gonna move the car right now.
You better move on.
No. Thank you.
Your mom is like a mongoose,
let me tell ya.
Yeah?
Insane.
We keeping you up?
Yes.
I'm sorry to hear about that.
Gonna get back up there.
Hey. Good morning, honey.
Good morning, Mom.
Where's Eddie?
Oh, he had to leave early.
He had a final.
Well, let's hope
our little Eddie gets an "A."
Grape-Nuts?
No. Thank you.
Is there something wrong?
Okay, look. Mom...
I've been thinking
about this a lot, and...
I am glad that you've
turned your life around,
you know, that you've
turned into this,
dare I say it,
really attractive woman.
Don't you think
you should slow down a little?
Well, Henry,
I'm not in my s anymore.
Can you pass me the milk?
Right, yeah,
no, I understand that.
It's just... would it k*ll you
to date someone your own age?
Henry, listen.
It's not serious with Eddie.
We're just, you know...
We're just having a little fun.
You know what I've been
meaning to say to you, though?
You know, I think
you scored really big with Emily.
I know.
I hope you know
how lucky you are,
'cause I never found
what you two have
and I don't think
you should take it for granted,
not for one second.
I won't.
I heard you and your mom
talking this morning.
She seems kind of Ionely.
Lonely? It sounds like she's been
intimate with half of Shreveport.
I think we should
find her a good guy.
We're not matchmaking.
That's something old ladies do.
See, someone like that,
for instance. Look.
He's probably buying a toy
for his kids. He's cute.
How do you know that's not
how he picks up little boys at the park?
Oh, my God. Oh.
Hi, Mom. Are you having fun?
I feel like I'm on ecstasy!
Gonna pretend
I didn't hear her say that.
Hey, Mom. Can we go?
- You're embarrassing me.
- What?
Can we go?
You're embarrassing me.
I can only wish
this kind of pleasure on you, son.
Can't force it.
Jesus Christ.
Mom, are you okay?
- What is this thing? Mom?
- Marty? Marty!
It was my fault.
I was fiddling with it.
I am terribly sorry.
Hi.
Hello. I'm very sorry.
Aren't you a little old
to be playing with toys?
You could've k*lled her.
Yeah, could have been... tragic.
It's nothing.
Nothing.
- Mom, you could have been hurt.
- Henry, it's nothing.
It's not nothing!
She said it's nothing.
All right. Come here.
It's a small island hidden away
in the East Caribbean
called Antiga.
I think you mean Antigua.
No, no, no. Antiga.
Antigua is a trap for tourists.
No, I spend all morning
in this beautiful
crescent-shaped inlet
called Half Moon Bay.
There's a reef that cuts it off
from the rest of the Caribbean Sea,
and you just stand there
and watch the waves break
with the sun rising behind them.
It's the most mesmerizing place
in the world.
Sounds perfect.
It is, but at the same time,
it's tragic.
You know, about a century ago
a hurricane destroyed the island
and buried the city under water.
You can still see tops of the buildings
below the surface of the bay.
At night, the locals celebrate
the end of each day
with a feast of the sea's bounty,
and they sing folk songs
under a sky where I swear
you can see a billion stars.
Maybe the most
romantic place on earth.
Sorry.
It's okay. In many cultures,
it's considered a compliment.
- See?
- Excuse me, your check.
- Oh, yeah.
- No, no, no.
I insist. I insist.
Keep it. Well...
It's always nice to make new friends.
Listen, guys, if you're not doing
anything this afternoon...
I'd like you all to experience
something with me.
No, I think we're busy, Mr...
Oh, please, please.
Call me Tommy.
Okay, Tommy,
I think we're... we're busy.
Or... or... or not.
Good.
All right. This is it.
This statue is actually
touring the world this year,
a recently discovered work.
It's one of the most priceless
and most beautiful sculptures
to have come
from the artist's hand.
He represents
what many art experts
believe to be Bernini's mother
and youngest brother.
Right on. Right on.
It's beautiful.
Isn't it?
Let me show you something.
You see, it's... it's all balanced.
Balanced.
Those two really seem
to like each other, don't they?
Yeah.
At least he's of voting age.
Nice.
What is?
Those are laser detection devices.
The statue has been
the object of desire for art thieves
for several years now.
In fact, there have been two attempts
in just the last three years.
Tommy. Well, this has...
this has been great.
And there is no reason
why it should end.
Guys, listen, I know
a terrific Albanian restaurant
that I've been going to for years.
Yeah, but we just ate.
No, no, of course.
I meant sometime this weekend.
How about Saturday night?
Marty? Henry? Emily?
You will be my guests.
Yes.
Marty, these are flowers for you.
I have flowers for you.
I have... they are for you.
I have red roses for you.
It is sh*t compared to your beauty.
Right on time.
Can I make an observation?
Only if I can sh**t Enrico.
Okay, for a long time,
from what you told me,
you were always
the parent in the relationship.
Yes.
And you doted on your mom
because your father
had abandoned her.
Yeah.
And then you became
the surrogate husband.
Okay.
So, I'm just thinking that maybe...
you're a little hung up
on your mama.
Oh, that is disgusting!
I don't mean in a sexual way.
Good. I would hope not.
Although...
there's a large sexual component
to mother/son relationships.
Oh, God.
All right. Forget it.
Do you ever think of your mom
when we're having sex?
Oh, God!
It's just a question.
Well, let me answer your question.
No. No, I haven't.
Thank God I haven't,
but you wanna know what?
Now I'm not sure how I'm gonna
be able to not think about her.
Thank you very much.
Good night.
Marty!
What are you thinking?
Are you sleeping?
Marty Durand?
That's me.
Could you sign here
at the bottom, please?
Those are really lovely.
Yes, they are.
Come on. We gotta go.
"Till next we meet. Tommy."
See. I like this Tommy guy.
I like him, Marty.
- Okay, come on. Let's go.
- Okay, okay.
- Bye.
- Bye, Mom.
Bye.
Bye.
Your mom is a big girl.
You have to let her live her life.
- Yeah.
- Henry.
Yeah, yeah. No, no, no.
I hear you. I hear you.
It's just my luck,
marrying a shrink.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
L'll see you later.
- You're late.
- Yeah, no kidding.
- We have a briefing.
- When?
- Now.
- Oh, God.
On that Bernini statue
we have here in town:
Last night,
we were informed by Interpol
that they have reason to believe
the same crew
of highly sophisticated art thieves
that attempted to steal it in Paris
are gonna try to take another sh*t
at the statue here in Shreveport.
We're inclined to agree.
Interpol believes
three men were involved...
one French, one Greek,
and one of unknown origin.
Niko Evangelatos
is a career criminal,
only high-end merchandise.
He was known
to be in Rome and Paris
at the time
of the attempted heist.
We know for a fact
that he's here
in the United States now.
Jean Yves Tatao
is another career criminal.
He's believed to have been involved
in the Paris bank robbery of
where over $ million was stolen.
Now, very little
is known about the third man,
believed to be the ringleader.
Oh, sh*t!
Don't get up. Don't get up.
Special Agent Wagner
told me everything.
Are you certain this is the same man
from your case file?
Is the woman on your right
your mother?
Yes, sir.
That's a good-Iooking woman.
This is a really good-Iooking woman.
Hey, Alex, she's
a heartbreaker or what?
She's beautiful.
She's stunning.
I like that.
Look, how long has your mother
been going with this guy?
Well, the same as me.
Same as you?
Well, we...
we didn't spend...
she spent the day
together with him,
and I happened to be...
we all just met.
I need to know
every place you went.
- We went to the museum.
- What?
To look at the statue.
- And?
- Well, and...
We looked at the statue.
He went on and on,
but I wasn't all that interested,
so I didn't listen closely
to what he was saying.
Does he know you're an agent?
- I don't believe so.
- Good.
Let's keep it that way
as long as we can.
I want you to encourage your mother
to continue to see this guy.
It's not an option.
Oh, and one more thing...
share this with no one,
not even your fiancée.
Tommy.
Hey. How are you, Howie?
- Henry.
- Henry. Henry.
- Glad you could make it.
- Thank you.
This is... this is beautiful, cozy.
Do you know
when the house was built?
No.
Oh, you play the piano?
No.
- The bongos?
- No.
Right.
- Hi.
- Oh, Emily, how are you?
Hi, Tommy.
It's so good to see you.
Thank you, same here.
- Same here.
- Good.
Breathtaking.
I know! I know.
I just can't believe it.
Hi.
Nice to see you.
Same here. Same here.
I only say that because
I used to be so fat.
Fat.
Just huge.
It's hard to believe.
Would you like
to see some pictures?
Tommy, can I
interest you in a drink?
- Sure, yeah.
- Great, what's your poison?
Scotch.
Oh, rocks or neat or...
Oh, neat, yeah.
Sweetie, you all right
with that Heineken?
Great. Thanks.
Are you trying
to get me drunk, Henry,
tell you all my secrets?
Just kidding. Just kidding.
I just don't wanna get pulled over.
Oh, don't worry.
You won't get a ticket with us.
Really? Why is that?
I'd like to propose a toast...
.
Oh, my God.
...to new friends.
Yeah, to new friends.
- Here you go. All right.
- To new friends.
How can you get out of a ticket?
- Oh, she's joking.
- No, I'm not.
- All right.
- We're with the FBI.
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
- It went on the...
- Are you okay?
Yeah. Sorry. Fine.
That's... that's good.
Yeah. We're field agents.
That's how we met.
Isn't that perfect?
Yeah, both...
Henry and Emily just got back
from some kind of hush-hush mission.
Well, that... that is impressive.
It sounds kind of dangerous.
- Well... it wasn't.
- I'm .
.
I was just tracking
a money laundering scheme.
So then you do
forensic accounting?
Yes.
I'm very impressed.
You seem to know a little about the FBI.
Yes, yes. I do. I do.
But, okay, shall we go?
Wait, Tommy.
Tommy, one more.
.
- Getting better, getting better.
- Yeah.
Big benchmark for me... .
Let's go, Howie.
- Henry.
- He... Henry.
- .
- Impressive, right?
Well, , then down to
and back to .
That's very interesting.
- Coming?
- Coming.
Where's the restaurant?
Right there.
Come on, guys.
Trust me, please.
Anyone can go to Delmonico's.
- That's right, Officer.
- Right where the light is.
Do you see that...
that green coupe?
- Thank you.
- Fantastic.
- Okay, where are the menus?
- Oh, no menus.
Victor just brings food
out of the kitchen.
Love that.
What kind of food?
Well, I generally don't ask.
It's some of the tastiest stuff
you'll ever have.
- You having fun?
- I'm having a blast, Tommy.
Listen, my mom and I
are transplants from New York,
so generally, we don't like to eat
any kind of marsupials.
So are you sure
that this is actually a restaurant?
You mean, do they serve food?
Yeah, but I doubt a health inspector
has ever been here.
What do you do
for a living exactly, Tommy?
I'm an international
business consultant.
Henry, will you
do me a favor, please?
You know, my guess is
that half the clientele here
might be a little shady.
- You think?
- Yeah.
Maybe we should
keep your profession on the QT.
I wanna make sure when they
bring the alligator sausage
that's all we're getting,
know what I mean?
- Alligator sausage.
- Yeah.
This is Albanian moonshine.
Here we go. All right.
Made in my bathroom,
in my bathtub.
In your bathtub? Thank you.
I thought it was water.
Oh, no, no.
You go easy on this stuff.
Oh, all right. Fill 'er up.
I'm not kidding.
This stuff makes you do crazy things.
Make it a double!
All right, so...
- What is that?
- The thing you open a garage with.
Don't throw the cups!
Guys, you are good people.
I'm glad we all met...
especially you, Marty.
I don't wanna
be too forward, but...
I feel I've known you for years.
Is that a good thing?
Yeah.
Some people
you just know and trust.
Oh, that's really nice, Tommy.
Your eyes...
Your eyes don't lie, do they.
Life's too short for lies.
I think that's your cell phone.
You know, it's funny...
I don't hear it.
Okay. But maybe you should get it
'cause maybe it's important.
Whoever this is,
this is very bad timing.
Who are those people
you are with?
Well, I'm a little busy right now.
Where are you?
Try to look to your right.
Salut.
Prick.
Was that important?
L'll be right back.
Bathroom.
Oh, I have to go
to the bathroom, too.
Oh, hello.
Are you rich doctor?
No.
It's all right.
Here we go.
- Okay.
- Cheers.
Bathroom? Water closet?
A bathroom.
Henry, just go with it. Relax.
You want to go to bathroom with me?
Bathroom. Bathroom.
- Bathroom. Toilet-ay?
- He has to go to the bathroom. Sorry.
I'm very sorry.
How do you say
bathroom in Albanian?
Who's the woman?
A friend.
She's very pretty.
Yeah, she is.
She also looks
like she's falling in love.
You think?
Interesting.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Friends of yours?
- Yeah, yeah.
Jean Yves and Niko,
this is Henry.
Bathroom?
- Yes, there.
- Okay.
- See you at the table?
- Yeah.
Let's go.
We gotta go?
I need the cash.
It's all right, sweetheart.
It's all right.
So...
Marty, tell me your life story.
Okay. Well, I feel like
I've had three lives...
the first one
with my husband.
We met when I was in high school.
I was pregnant when I was .
And one with Henry.
And now this one.
What about you?
Me. Well, I am looking
very much forward
to retiring, settling down.
I just have to do
so much traveling.
- Hotels and...
- For your business.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm working on this one last deal,
and after that
I think I am going to coast.
Yes, yes!
Coast if you want.
Transform your life.
I believe that we should
only do what makes us happy.
Hopefully, we have done
all the stupid things
we could dream of.
Well, I think there's time
for just a few more.
Do you realize
what a big break this is for us,
and for your career,
as a matter of fact?
Sir, just how dangerous
is this suspect?
Because my mom
really seems to like him,
and quite frankly, sir,
I love my mother.
Your mother couldn't be
in better hands.
She'll have -hour surveillance
and protection if anything
were to go wrong.
So then, how would this
be good for my career, sir?
You're going to lead
the task force, Agent Durand.
You'll have five agents under you.
Well, no, no.
Sir, I can't lead the task force.
I can't be in charge of bugging
my own mother while she...
As I said,
she really likes this guy.
Oh, my God.
You know, I never took
your feelings into consideration.
I mean, the last thing
I would want to do
is to make one
of my agents uncomfortable.
- Well, thank you, sir.
- You know...
we have a lovely little outpost
just north of Anchorage, Alaska.
Now, I don't know,
but maybe, just maybe,
you might find that
a little bit more comfortable, huh?
All right, when you're done in here,
let's hit the bathrooms
and the prime subject's bedroom.
- Bedroom.
- I've got the lingerie drawer.
Oh, this ought to be great!
Can you move that mike
just a little to the right?
That's great.
Hey, Felder, come on.
We don't need this.
Geez, Henry. Come on.
It's pillow talk.
This is where the good stuff
always happens,
right in the middle of coitus.
"We rob the place Tuesday night."
We're talking about my mother!
Look, we need
to be able to trace
any phone call
from this very location.
Any call made
in the stated subject's bedroom,
and l'll have a trace
within seconds.
Not the subject...
it's my mother!
Okay, Henry.
We're also going to need
your mommy's cell phone number
in order to triangulate her location.
See, it's called triangulation, Henry.
Triangulation, Henry.
Fine.
Phone coming in.
Hello?
Marty? It's Tommy.
Bingo.
Are we still on for tonight?
We are so on.
L'll be there in about an hour.
Oh, good.
See you.
() -.
He's at the... El Dorado Hotel.
Oh, it is nice there.
When the hell were you there?
Oh, I was there.
They leave these little mints
on the pillows, and it...
Oh, forget about it.
Just get Simpson
and Cisneros on the phone.
Tell them he's at the El Dorado Hotel.
Get into his room and bug it.
Find out if he's got a car
and bug that, too.
- Man.
- I know. I know.
All right.
Are you strapped in?
Why?
You wanna have some fun?
Yes.
What did you have in mind?
Let's open this baby up
and see what she can do.
sh*t. We've been made.
Don't engage! Don't engage!
My mother is in that car.
Come on, come on, come on.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
Everything pales next to you.
Oh, my God!
Do you mind
if I ask you a question?
Yeah, sure. Ask away.
You were gonna ask me something?
I was just wondering...
how could anybody
let you get away?
Oh, come on. Don't fall for this.
This is such a line.
My ex-husband had a lot of problems,
but we weren't divorced,
if that's what you're asking.
He passed away.
I'm sorry.
Well, don't worry about it.
We weren't speaking at the time.
He was in prison.
You've always been
attracted to bad boys?
I guess.
Oh, baby.
Hey, knock it off.
So, what do you see
when you see me?
Well, when I see you,
I see nothin' but trouble.
Yeah.
I am so bad
that I should be forbidden.
Oh, come on.
Don't fall for that!
Gotta hand it to this guy,
very smooth.
Yup. Very smooth.
Tell me... tell me about Henry.
Yeah. Henry.
Well, Henry...
Well, he's just the most beautiful,
sensitive, intelligent, lovely...
- loving son...
- Oh, geez, Henry.
As much as I love him, though,
he can be a real piece
of work sometimes.
Why is that?
Well, he can be a real watchdog.
Shut up!
I'm probably responsible for that.
I think I might have
screwed him up a little bit.
He used to be
so afraid of everything.
I think I transferred
some of that on to him,
and he was so busy
taking care of me
that he missed out
on part of his childhood.
I feel very responsible about that,
and I'd like to fix it somehow.
Your mom's
a very special woman, Henry.
Yup. Very special.
Well, his job has to be tough.
I mean, I would imagine
that in that line of work
you start to believe
that everyone is up to something.
Uh, yeah, like you,
you friggin' art thief!
L... I would like for him
to know that I am okay,
that there's nothing
to worry about with me,
that my intentions are...
you know, very honorable.
Your eyes don't lie, do they.
They can't, I guess.
I don't know.
Well, don't worry about
being too honorable,
'cause remember,
I like a little danger.
Oh, baby.
Oh, wow. She is hot!
Felder! That is enough!
I am not gonna tell you again.
This is so good.
I love it.
- Are you hungry at all?
- No.
Let's get the heck out of here.
You know, I haven't been
this happy in a long time.
- Heading east on River Walk.
- Really?
I thought you were the one
with the exciting life.
There is a difference
between excited and happy.
Oh, so you're not excited?
You're a tricky woman.
Oh, no, no, no...
Tommy...
Tommy, I think we really
have to slow down here.
- Yes! Very smart.
- Why?
Wait, what happened
to slowing down?
Because I just do.
You're not acting like a person
who wants to slow down.
I think I'm falling in love.
Oh, God.
Do you have to go home?
Yes, she does!
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
Yes, she does!
Listen, I...
I have a beautiful suite
at the El Dorado.
We could really be alone there.
No. She said no!
- Ten bucks says she goes.
- Don't take that bet, Randle.
Okay.
Easy money.
You're so sexy.
I know!
I mean, look at... look at that.
Look at those moves.
Where did you learn that?
- That's unbelievable. Yeah.
- I know.
- You know.
- And...
Iook at my ass.
Oh, like a wild animal.
Olympic. Come over here.
I'm gonna give you
a gold medal right now.
Oh, Tommy.
Ah, you learned that position.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I just learned everything.
I just got cable.
Wha... what?
Hold on, hold on.
What is that thing?
What is that clicking?
Oh, that's my jaw.
I have TMJ.
What is that?
Don't worry.
You can't catch it.
- Close your eyes.
- Okay.
And open your mouth.
Okay. Oh, Tommy.
Are you ready?
Oh, Tommy. It's so big.
And so juicy.
Yeah, it is.
Tell me, tell me.
The itsy-bitsy spider
Went up the water spout
Yeah, why not?
Down came the rain
And washed that spider out
Oh, okay. All right.
Randle, turn that sh*t off.
No, no, no.
This is work-related.
Work-related my ass, Felder.
... all the rain.
God.
And the itsy-bitsy spider
Went up the spout again
- Keep... keep going.
- Yes.
It's good.
Don't, don't.
- Come on, Henry.
- What?
- Don't. No, no, no.
- What?
You wanna hear how
the "Itsy-Bitsy Spider" ends, Felder?
Look, take your hands off!
Oh, geez.
- Henry?
- Yeah.
Can you give me a hand in here?
Yeah.
Henry, we have
the house to ourselves.
Oh, Jesus.
Sweetie, I'm sorry.
I can't do this tonight, okay?
L... I know...
It's just I have had
a long, hard day.
Come on, Henry.
Let's fool around.
Okay, no, no, no...
- sh*t.
- It's okay, Henry. I got...
What's this?
That would be...
A bug?
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
Henry, this is like
a whole new level of crazy.
No, no, no.
What? No.
Henry, you are listening in
on your mother.
Yeah.
After that, the subjects retired
to the El Dorado Hotel
where a very passionate night ensued.
And after that, nothing else
happened relating to the case.
I can't help thinking...
I wish my wife would try
that Itsy-Bitsy Spider thing.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Turkey.
Great choice.
All right...
Henry.
I think I know what you're up to.
And that would be...?
You're protecting your mother.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Listen, I am not trying
to replace your father.
Good, 'cause we both know
where he wound up.
And I am not trying
to steal your mother away.
That's not what I want.
What do you want, then?
I want us to become friends.
I'm gonna have
a lot of free time very soon.
- How so?
- Your mother...
She made me
see things differently.
I don't want to continue
living the life I've been living.
I'm gonna be making
some changes.
International consulting
getting too boring for you?
I guess I am just getting tired
of looking over my shoulder.
Sounds like you don't trust
the people you do business with.
I don't.
They are thieves.
Yeah.
Henry, do you mind
if I join you for lunch?
Not at all.
Turkey sandwich, please.
- It's not coming up.
- Are you sure?
Positive.
Oh, hi.
What?
How was lunch?
Lunch?
Yes. Lunch with Tommy.
It was good. How did...
Felder's got a big mouth.
Great. Well, I'm glad
he's on my team.
Okay. Please tell me
that those are not
Tommy's fingerprints on that glass.
Henry?
All right. Come with me.
- That's the men's room.
- I know.
Okay. Listen to me, all right?
I was given strict orders not
to utter a word of this to anyone.
Of what?
Guys, get out.
What?
The Bureau's watching Tommy.
We're watching Tommy? Why?
'Cause Mom picked
a real winner this time, Emily.
She really hit the jackpot.
Tommy's an international art thief.
I really have to go.
I really don't care.
- Get out!
- Get out!
You have to tell her.
Yeah, and then resign.
Oh, God.
Henry, I'm so sorry.
Screw you, Henry.
Say, Tommy,
can I get you anything?
- Coffee?
- Coffee would be great.
So, listen...
There are four grates
in the wall of the main room,
by inches each,
so we should keep
our intake of linguini to a...
minimum.
So, Tommy...
Why don't you tell us
about your new friend.
I hope...
you're planning on
using that g*n, Niko...
because if you're not,
I'm gonna take it away from you
and I'm gonna stick it
right up your ass.
Hey. Hey, Tommy.
Let us not be rude, huh?
We want to talk like gentlemen.
All right.
He's the son of the woman
I've been dating.
We got involved.
I had no idea
her son was a Fed.
If I dump her now,
it's gonna look far more suspicious.
Look, we're knocking off
the place tonight.
What sense would it make
if I am talking to the FBI?
Maybe you got caught
doing something else...
and you decided
to turn on your friends.
I have always had
my doubts about you, Tommy.
You never tell us how you
escaped from that jail in Paris.
So...
are we going to keep this civil,
or am I going to be doing this
by myself tonight?
Well, Tommy, so I presume
you would like
to keep up the partnership.
L'll see you at midnight.
It stinks in here.
Hey, Henry, I'm about to go.
What are you doing?
Mom, we need to talk.
Okay.
Outside by the pool.
Outside by the pool.
What is it with you, Henry?
Why do we have to talk outside?
What are you always
so worried about?
It's like you're just listening
for the hiss in the speakers
and just not listening to the music.
What is it with you?
Mom...
What I'm gonna tell you
could cost me my job,
my career, and everything
that I've worked for...
but I want you to know...
that I don't care about any of it.
I only care about you.
Well, that is
very, very sweet, Henry,
but what the hell
are you talking about?
It's about Tommy.
What? What is it?
The FBI has been watching him.
Why?
Doesn't matter why.
Yeah, it matters why, Henry.
It does matter why.
He's a thief.
- He's a thief?
- An art thief.
Well...
Boy, I can pick 'em, huh?
I'm sorry.
The... entire house
has been bugged.
You've been under surveillance.
I didn't have any say
in the matter.
Wait a second. Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
You're saying that everything
that's been going on here,
every conversation I've been having,
somebody's been listen...
you've been listening to?
Yes.
I just thought
that you should know.
It is very important
that you don't tell Tommy
any of this.
Well, exactly what am I
supposed to do?
He's gonna be here
in ten minutes.
Act normal,
and know that if anything happens,
you're not alone.
Are you all right?
How are my eyes?
Your eyes are beautiful.
Beautiful.
Hey, Marty.
Can I propose a toast?
Sure.
Raise your glass.
To us.
I love you, Marty.
You know, there...
I know so little about you.
What else do you need to know?
I mean, I'm crazy about you.
Well, let's just talk a little bit
about what it is that you do.
- No.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- No, it's boring.
- Yeah, no, it's not boring to me.
I'm very, very interested in
what it is that you do.
All right, Marty. All right.
I've been working on a project
for several years.
It's kind of important to me...
or that's what I thought
until I met you.
Now I can't think straight.
Things that I thought were important
seem trivial to me now.
Wait, what does that mean?
What exactly does that mean?
That you were gonna quit
whatever it is that you were doing?
No, I can't.
But after tomorrow,
I will close this deal,
and l'll be free from all of this.
Marty, give me hours, please.
All right, we got him.
Alert the troops.
It goes down tomorrow night.
All right.
So...
am I gonna see you again?
That all depends on you.
Oh, Marty, what's going on?
Nothing.
L'll see myself in.
Oh, come on. Come on!
Marty, what's wrong with you?
Come on!
I don't know
who you think you are,
coming into people's lives
and making them fall in love with you
like it's some kind
of big, sick game.
What are you talking about?
Oh, you know exactly
what I am talking about.
I swear I have no idea
what you're saying.
You are not being
straight with me!
I will be.
God... damn it!
I just...
God!
Damn it.
Are you all right?
I hope you're happy, Henry.
Jesus.
f*ck it.
Yeah.
It's Simpson.
He checked in for the night,
putting a "Do Not Disturb"
on the door,
and asked for
a : A.M. Wake-up call.
All right. Well, stay there.
Oh, Henry, the guy
went to bed for the night.
I said stay there.
Mom?
Henry.
I'm feeling really empty
and stupid right now.
- Back to work.
- All right.
Oh, no, get off him!
Hey, get off him!
Get off him!
Get up against that car!
Get up against that car!
You okay, buddy?
I am now.
Yeah.
Durand, Wagner.
An alarm just went off
at the museum.
City cops are on their way,
but you better go check it out.
Okay. Yeah, I'm there.
- What is it?
- That was Wagner.
The... the alarm
at the museum went off.
Well, I'm going with you.
No, you're not
technically on this case.
Yeah, well, screw procedure.
This is family.
All right, fine.
We're tired of this!
Who's in charge here?
I am, sir. Canales.
Jim Canales.
So, what the hell
seems to be the problem?
- Well, the alarm went off, sir.
- Well, I can hear that.
Yeah, we don't know
what tripped it.
Was somebody at the monitor
when it went off?
Yes, sir.
- Turn the damn thing off!
- Yes, sir.
Cut it!
- Cut it?
- Deactivate.
Deactivate!
Agent Durand.
Looks like it was a false alarm.
Where are ya?
Well, I'm almost there.
What would you like me to do?
You'd better back
and get some sleep.
Looks like tomorrow
is gonna be a very long day.
Yeah, it's a good idea.
False alarm.
Again?
Agent Durand.
The alarm went off again.
Get down there.
I'm on my way.
You're never gonna believe this.
- Now what?
- The alarm went off again.
- Agent Henry Durand.
- Emily Lott, FBI.
Police Chief Malone.
What seems to be the problem?
Well, there seems to be a malfunction
with this security system.
And it keeps going off on its own?
Well, either that
or one of these statues came alive.
Is the alarm back on?
- You want it on?
- Absolutely.
- Activate it.
- Activate!
Well, let's get a computer tech
down here right away.
Yeah, that's what I said.
He's on his way.
Okay.
Shut it off!
Deactivate!
Oh, this can't go on all night!
Well, you're right about that.
Okay, I want you to place
five guards in the room.
Leave the alarm off
until a tech gets here.
- Understood?
- Consider it done, sir.
What are you thinkin'?
Let's check in on Tommy.
Keep it close
and keep it running.
Yes, sir.
Good evening, sir.
How may I help you?
I need you to send
a maid to room .
Room ?
You're right.
That room is empty.
He's at the museum.
He wanted us to turn the alarm on.
- What are you talking about?
- Stay there!
Security. Canales.
This is Henry Durand, FBI.
I want you to shut down
the entire museum
and call back the police immediately.
Why? I can see it as clear as day.
The statue's right there.
Yeah, well,
how about your men?
They're not there.
They're there,
most likely unconscious.
Look, they hacked into
your security system, all right?
The images on the screen
are not what's going on in the room.
Call back the damn police.
Damn it.
Tommy, listen to me, please.
About the partnership...
I think it is over.
Au revoir.
Vamos, Nikos.
That's it.
What the hell's going on?
That was a huge mista...
All right, let's split up.
Be careful.
Museum Security.
Hey, got a man down.
Get an ambulance here right now.
- Hang in there.
- Yeah.
Hang in there.
Freeze, Tommy!
Hands in the air right now!
Good for you, Henry.
Excellent police work.
I'm sure you are thrilled.
Put your hands on your head.
- I have no weapons.
- Put your hands on your head.
Henry, your mother is in danger.
No, she's not. Not anymore.
Hi, Emily.
Be quiet, Tommy.
Henry, listen to me, please.
I knew you were following me
pretty much from the beginning.
That's why I misled you
about tonight.
I knew you were listening,
but I had to make sure
this went according to plan.
Sure, sure, sure, Tommy.
Whatever you say,
if that's even your name.
Yeah, that's my...
Well, no, no, Lucero
is not my last name.
My real name
is Tomas Martínez.
Wanna hear your rights,
Tom Martinez?
No, I pretty much know my rights.
- Then we can skip the boring...
- Henry, Henry!
Jean Yves and Niko
are part of a European syndicate.
This is not about
stealing some statue.
Sure.
They sell high-end goods
to finance t*rror1st operations.
And you would know this how?
Henry... Emily...
I am with the CIA.
Okay, now I've heard everything.
I was introduced
to them in Europe.
I was working
on another case.
When they approached me,
I couldn't say no.
I had to get involved.
- Sure.
- No, I've been...
Get down on the ground!
- If I declined...
- Get down on the ground.
No, no, no. Henry, I am telling you
your mother is in danger.
These two guys know
we are romantically involved.
Get down on the ground right now!
Listen to me! Listen!
Look at this.
They sh*t me.
They obviously suspect something!
I am the only person who knows
how they are leaving the country.
If they suspect I said
anything to your mother...
This is a fascinating story, Tommy.
- Down on the ground now!
- What if he's telling the truth?
Fine. I will send
a team to the house.
No, no, no. That will get
her k*lled for sure. No.
We have to take them by surprise
and we have to do it ourselves.
Come on, kids!
You want me to give you a g*n?
Well, yes, I am with the CIA.
Okay, well, if he's an agent,
then he's got a federal main number.
We've already got
his thumbprint on file.
Run a print. Great idea.
But wait, wait, wait.
Where did you get my print?
I lifted it at the deli.
Nice pull, Henry. Nice pull.
Good, good.
So, if he's telling the truth,
then we've got a match.
Brilliant.
Can we do this on the way?
Hey, Henry? Your mother?
Okay, yes. Yes, yes.
Thank you. We appreciate it.
Looks like your mom picked a winner.
The prints match.
Tommy is who he says he is.
All right, there's a g*n
in the glove compartment.
- Give it to him.
- Yeah, please.
Thank you.
Niko!
Hello?
- Hello?
- Felder, it's Henry.
- Is everything all right at the house?
- Yeah, I guess.
I think your mom's
watching some movie.
A movie?
Oh, I heard some talking
and stuff breaking.
Oh, sh*t.
Oh, sh*t.
Randle, wake up.
You got the board.
I'm heading out.
What happened? What?
I think there's two guys inside.
I can... I can hear
your mom talking to them.
She's not my mom,
but thank God she's still all right.
What the hell's
he doing with a g*n?
He's in the CIA.
I'm pretty sure
you've heard of it.
CIA.
Who the hell's the guy
on the front lawn?
Help, help!
You hear that?
He's not bad.
That's Enrico.
He's still in love with me.
What am I supposed to do?
Enrico, shut up. Shut up.
You have to get out of here.
What, you're going to sh**t me?
- sh**t me for being in love?!
- Shut up. Shut up.
Love is not a crime!
It's not a crime!
Listen, lady, you're going to get up
very quietly and very slowly.
One peep,
and I blow up your brains.
I'm going in there,
and I'm going to make sweet love
to your mother right now!
And I'm going to say...
sh*t.
Thank you!
Who is this guy?
It's a long story. Come on.
Can't we just k*ll her and go?
If this Tommy Lucero
was not the man he said he was,
we are dead people back home.
Dead people!
Hit her!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Jeany, just get her to the car.
Her son's in the FBI.
You want him to show up?
You think the house is bugged?
Oh, right.
It's not like anybody...
was outside!
- We're ten feet from the front door!
- Get back. You ready?
Let's go.
We are standing
in front of the couch,
and you two thugs
are menacing me.
CIA, drop them! Both of you!
Right now! You are under arrest!
You're not dead.
I am not dead,
and I am not kidding.
Put your weapons down now!
Drop your w*apon
and step away from my mother!
Don't you point that g*n
at my fiancé.
Oh, man.
And what part
of the family are you?
I'm not related to anybody.
I just think she's hot.
Marty.
Oh, hey, is a bad time?
There's certainly a lot of you,
and you're swarming.
Do you always swarm?
- Well...
- Thanks for the assist.
Glad to help, sir.
Absolutely.
You did good on this.
I know it wasn't easy.
Thank you, sir.
Mom.
Are you sure you're all right?
Oh, Henry, wow.
Very, very impressed by you.
Very aggressive.
Well, I had some help.
- Henry.
- Tommy.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Well...
So, you're CIA.
Yes, I am.
Well, I was. I just finished.
It's very James Bond.
Yes, I guess.
Look, I have quite a bit
to explain to you.
Yeah.
Just tell me the truth.
I love you.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay, come here. Please.
- Okay, okay.
It's beautiful, isn't it?
Let them have their moment.
Marty!
I love you!
And I know you love me too!
I know it! I know it!
I know, I can feel it in my body.
I want to make sweet love to you
and I want to do it... now!
THE END
Subtitles by:
One, two, three. Okay.
Oh, am I interrupting?
It's a party. I can make some...
That was not the door.
Hey, you get my flowers?
Are you hungry?
I could make you something.
That was window.
My back!
My back. My back!
It's a good drum, huh?
I just broke a string.
That's right!
All right, we've had enough.
We gotta go work!
We gotta go work, everybody.
Can you believe this?
We're making a movie right now.