Mouse That Roared, The (1959)

[bunniefuu]

Ladies and gentlemen,
the makers of this picture…

…ask you not to divulge
what you're about to see. Thank you.

We take you
to the duchy of Grand Fenwick…

…the smallest country on the globe.

This tiny but prosperous nation of
15 3/4 square miles…

…lies high in the French Alps,
somewhere along…

I beg your pardon.

Somewhere along…

Oh, yes, here.

Grand Fenwick was founded in 1430
by Sir Roger Fenwick…

…a British baronet who took a fancy
to the neighborhood and moved in.

Thus, Fenwick is the only
English-speaking country in Europe.

Fenwick is ruled
by Duchess Gloriana XII…

…a direct descendant of Sir Roger
and beloved by all her subjects.

Though still in mourning for Count
Leopold of Bosnia-Herzegovina…

…who disappeared during
a hunt 27 years ago…

…she takes an active interest
in her country's welfare.

Fenwick's parliament.

Here's the Prime Minister,
Count Rupert of Mountjoy…

…a graduate of Oxford
and Cambridge.

Fenwick's forest.

In these sheltered glades, the welfare
of its feathered and furry folk…

…is watched over
by forest ranger Tully Bascombe.

Fenwick's army.

Although at peace for 500 years, the
Longbow remains the national weapon.

Here, the army exercises
under Tully Bascombe…

…hereditary field marshal
and grand constable.

Aim…

…fire!

If many Fenwickians resemble
each other, this may be ascribed…

…to the founder, who was in
every way, the father of his country.

Prosperity is based on the
only export: Pinot Grand Fenwick.

A small, sturdy local wine
with a virile but friendly bouquet.

For some reason the U.S. has
always been the major market for it.

Thus, secure in prosperity and
invigorated by its alpine climate…

…Fenwick has always been
a happy country.

However, in 1959
a California winegrower…

…bottled an imitation
of Pinot Grand Fenwick…

…and called it "Pinot Grand Enwick."

Backed by vast advertising
and sold at a lower price…

…this imitation drove Pinot Fenwick
out of the American market.

As a result, in a short time…

…the duchy of Grand Fenwick
was in a state of crisis.

One fateful day…

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Gentlemen!

Pray, silence!

- You made me drop a stitch.
- Your pardon, Your Grace.

Can't we send a protest to the U.S…

…about this imitation wine?

I've sent not one protest, but three.
But it's complicated by the fact…

…that we've never
officially recognized the U.S.

So we've had to send them
through Monte Carlo.

The truth is, each protest
has been ignored.

- Until today, when I received this.
- What is it, Bobo?

A pamphlet on how to grow grapes
for wine.

- We'll be bankrupt!
- We are bankrupt.

As of today,
we're living on petty cash.

Good heavens. If only poor Leopold
were alive today.

Your Grace, gentlemen…

…our situation is indeed desperate.
We are on the brink of disaster.

There is only one way up: w*r! We must
declare w*r on the United States.

- We can never win such a w*r!
- No, but we could win the peace.

I've given this a lot of thought
and I'm positive I'm right.

Remember, Americans are
a strange people.

Most countries rarely forgive anything,
but Americans forgive everything.

There isn't a more
profitable undertaking…

…than to declare w*r on the U.S.
and be defeated.

True.

No sooner is the enemy defeated than
America pours in food, clothing…

…and lots of money for the relief
of its former enemies.

In effect, we declare w*r on Monday,
we're defeated on Tuesday…

…and by Friday, rehabilitated
beyond our dreams.

- But is that honest, Bobo?
- Not really.

But it's terribly practical
and infallible.

I give you my word.
It will solve all our problems.

But we have no army.

Who needs one?
20 men or so is sufficient.

Who'll lead them?

Tully, of course.
He's our hereditary field marshal.

Not Tully. Well, he's a nice boy…

…but he's never been
good at games.

Exactly. You can't send him
on a mission like this.

He's got fallen arches, flat feet,
sinus, migraine and claustrophobia.

Apart from being nearsighted
and dizzy in high places.

He won't have to climb the Alps,
just get the men over there.

Once they try to land in New York
without visas, they'll be arrested.

That's all there is to it.

I don't want anyone hurt.

I'll tell Tully to be very careful.
We can send Will Buckley with him.

He was a sergeant in the British army.
He can act as interpreter.

Well, gentlemen, there's only one way.

We have but one choice.

Bankruptcy or prosperity.
Which will it be?

I move we declare w*r
on the United States.

As leader of
the Party of the Common Man…

…I say w*r is reprehensible,
barbaric and unthinkable!

And I second the motion.

Well, we're at w*r with America.

Well done. An historic moment.

And a profitable one too, I hope.

Take this to the post office
and get it in the post immediately.

Certainly, sir.

And put a special delivery stamp
on it.

At once, sir.

- The die is cast.
- But our cause is just.

- Time and tide.
- To be or not to be.

That is the question.

- Our country, right or wrong.
- Right. We'll drink to that.

To our glorious defeat.

Oh, Tully.

What do you want?

About this w*r. I'd sooner not go,
if you know what I mean.

I don't know what you mean.
I'm surprised at you.

- You know we need the money.
- I know.

But I don't like to leave
the forest now. It's mating season.

This is bigger than the mating season!
This is your country calling.

- Run along and get your army together.
- All right.

- And don't make the Americans angry.
- I'll be careful.

You'll enjoy every moment.
It's great sport.

The ocean voyage
will do wonders for you.

I get seasick.

With new stabilizers, modern ocean
liners are as steady as rowboats.

- I get seasick in rowboats.
- Tully, please.

- There you are. A pretty good turnout.
- Yes.

I don't think they'll want to go
with the harvest coming.

I'll have to appeal
to their patriotism.

Men of Fenwick!

- Do you love your country?
- Yes!

When you hear its name…

- …do your hearts swell with pride?
- Yes!

- If the country calls, will you enlist?
- No!

- I don't think I'm very good at this.
- Better leave it to me.

Now, men, I want 20 volunteers.

Form up in ranks! At the double!

And stand still!

Men, here is the situation.

We're at w*r.

- We're going to invade the U.S.
- Good luck, mate!

If you'll let me explain
how the situation…

I told you with the harvest
they wouldn't go.

I'll give them harvest.

Fall in!

Men of Grand Fenwick, have no fear.

Providence will smile upon you
because your cause is just.

I know that you will all uphold
the honor of your country.

And let it cheer you to know…

…that your government has managed
the money for your return home.

If necessary.

Bless you all.

Right, men. Up bags.

Company, right turn!

By the right, quick march!

I do hope the Americans
are kind to them.

They're a fine body of men.

And the best investment
this country ever made.

A declaration of w*r?

"To the president, congress
and people of the U.S., greetings."

"Act of aggression."

"A state of w*r exists…

…between Grand Fenwick
and the United States."

Those boys in the press room.
Always making with the jokes.

Eight, nine, ten, halt!

Company, left turn!

Left, right, left.

Pick them up.

Keep going, you landlubbers.

Left, right, left, right…

- I think I'll go up on deck, Will.
- You are up on deck.

- Go below if you feel seasick, Will.
- I'll be all right.

Will…

Tell the men…

I think I'd like to be alone.

Listen to this.

"The president announced
a practice air raid alert…

…to affect the entire East Coast.

Ships will be forbidden entry
until it's over."

- When does it start?
- In less than an hour.

New York deserted. Should be a sight.
Is it because of the new b*mb?

The Q-b*mb, they call it. Makes
the H-b*mb look like a firecracker.

It'll never replace the British navy.

Oh, no, sir.

Look, sir! The Queen Elizabeth!

Turn about!

New York's closed!

What are you doing down there?
Turn about!

The port of New York's closed!
Do you hear me?

What's with them?
Stay away from…!

Stop that!

What are you playing?
This is dangerous!

- Stop!
- But we're at w*r!

Not with everybody.

That's funny, I can't see anybody.

- Looks deserted.
- That's what I mean.

Doesn't seem to be anyone
we can surrender to.

There's nothing moving.
No boats or anything.

- Is today Sunday?
- No, Monday.

We better check with the skipper.

- The land of the enemy.
- It's big.

- Bigger they are, harder they fall.
- We're supposed to lose.

- No one told me.
- There's 175 million people here.

But only 10 million in New York.
We'll outsmart them.

Where's customs? Immigration?

- We were wondering the same thing.
- It's very peculiar.

See that big building?

I saw it first, it's mine.

At the double!

Please make sure you've got your
passports and health certificates.

- Sir?
- What is it?

The invasion map.

Why doesn't somebody come
and capture us? Where is everybody?

Maybe it's a holiday.

Why don't they come out and fight?
I know, they declared it an open city.

We should go wait.

- For what?
- Just wait.

Oh, come on.

It's you.
Your mail's got rusty in the rain.

- Germ warfare!
- Since when are there sticky germs?

Chewing gum. "Germ warfare."

Why don't we storm a building?

No, let's keep going.
We're sure to find somebody.

Look, sir!

- That's where they are. Underground.
- Cowards.

Why don't you come up and fight?

- Don't. You'll make them angry.
- Field marshal!

Look at this.

It's a drill. Everybody's underground.

We should go underground.
Surrender when it's over.

"Air raid drill today. The president
announced plans for a new b*mb…

…that's capable of devastating
an area of two million square miles.

Designed by Dr. Kokintz of
the Institute of Advanced Physics…

…a prototype of it
is expected in a matter of weeks."

- Give me the map.
- Maybe we should wait.

We must get off the streets.
We don't want to spoil their drill.

There's the arsenal,
on 64th Street and 5th Avenue.

We can cut through Central Park
over there.

All in favor of going there
and surrendering, say "Aye."

You're a fine, disciplined
body of men. Let's go.

- Why are you up here?
- Cigarettes.

- Borrow one!
- Okay, give me one.

- Here.
- Thanks.

Now get going,
and don't let me catch you again.

Good thing this isn't a real raid.
Some people just want to get k*lled.

Look, the decontamination squad.

- That's the job I wanted. No walking.
- Yeah.

- Hairpin, please.
- I don't have any, Papa.

A bobby pin, then.

Finished.
That's the warning apparatus in place.

Get some food and sleep now.
You haven't had a break for 48 hours.

- I had a bed put up in the shelter.
- What shelter?

- There's a practice air-raid alert.
- An alert? For why?

Because of you, Papa,
and this b*mb of yours.

I see. I wonder what they'd think
of my little working model.

I think that
they would all be very afraid.

- I'm glad the warning apparatus works.
- Of course.

- Come on, Papa, please!
- For how long?

It could be some time.

Then I have to remove the detonator.
It's sensitive.

It can go off like…
Are you sure you haven't got a hairpin?

- Why aren't you two in the shelter?
- Why did you come in without knocking?

Look, this is an alert,
so let's be alert. Out!

- Go, if you know what's good for you.
- You can go peaceable, or I drag you.

- You playing games? Come along!
- Don't you know that's Dr. Kokintz?

Who cares? Come on, let's get go…
Wait a minute.

- Kokintz? The fella with the Q-b*mb?
- That's right.

- Hi, doc.
- How do you do?

This is it, huh?

That's it, but it's a secret.
Do you mind leaving us alone?

- My father wants to disconnect it.
- It's connected?

It sure is. It's on a hair trigger,
so please don't slam the door.

- Yeah, sure. Okay, see you later, doc.
- Yes, goodbye.

Why isn't he in Oak Ridge
with the other scientists?

- He likes to work alone.
- I thought it's in the planning stage.

This is his first working model.
He wants to surprise everybody.

Great sense of humor.

One question.
Why is it so different from an H-b*mb?

The H-b*mb?
This new b*mb is based on quodium…

…which is 100 times more powerful
than hydrogen.

He uses an H-b*mb just to trigger this
one. It could blow up North America.

- And some of South America also.
- Any more questions?

- Where can you go to be safe?
- That's hard. Carbon 14, understand?

Yeah. That's a dangerous thing
you got there.

Yes, let's hope it'll never be used.

That's a nice thought.
I feel better already.

- You must try to be more careful.
- Goodbye.

You haven't eaten since yesterday.
Let's ask him to bring us sandwiches.

- I've got a lot to do.
- His hands could shake from hunger.

- What kind? Cheese? Chopped liver?
- Chopped liver. With pickle, please.

I don't understand. According
to the map, this is a shortcut.

- I'm tired.
- Chin up. Maybe they'll give us tea.

- Someone's left the engine running.
- Maybe we can get a lift.

- There's some guys at the truck!
- Air-raid wardens?

- No, funny-looking guys.
- Funny-looking?

- I mean funny-looking, like fish.
- What do you mean?

They've got scales all over them!

Mulligan, you sick or something?

They're from outer space!

- Off a flying saucer! Off a sputnik!
- Look!

- They've seen us!
- Let's get out of here!

- They're from outer space.
- They're off a flying saucer!

- Ray g*ns! I'm getting this suit off.
- Me too!

Don't, we'll get in trouble.

Hold it, they're Americans.
They probably belong to this truck.

- Let's tell them we're sorry.
- It's too late. Let's go surrender.

- We shouldn't leave this truck.
- We'll turn it in to make them happy.

All right, men, into the truck,
we'll ride to the arsenal.

You wait here. I'll get to a phone
and call Special Reports.

- You. Down the subway.
- Wait, I'm a decontamination man.

- Yeah? Where's your uniform?
- I threw it away. Spacemen chased us.

You gonna come quietly?
Come on, come on.

Listen! Men from Mars!
I saw them! Men from Mars!

- Special Reports?
- Your name and section?

O'Hara. Section 4300,
sub-section 3: decontamination.

Go ahead.

Men from a flying saucer landed
in the park.

- How many?
- Fifty or sixty.

Fifty or sixty men
from a flying saucer…

Say, what is this?

Just what I said! I saw them,
50 or 60, with metal heads…

…covered in shiny stuff. They fired
ray g*ns at us in Central Park!

You should keep out of saloons.
Your job is serious. Where are you?

In a grocery store on 69th Street.
I ain't been in any saloon!

Stay there. I'll send somebody over.

Off a flying saucer, 300 of them!

- Men from Mars, 400 of them!
- Thousands of Martians are invading!

Men from Mars! All over the place!

Men from Mars! With ray g*ns!

Yeah, I know.

- Right, men, number up!
- Twenty!

- Twenty-one.
- Twenty-two. All present and correct.

There's nothing wrong in surrendering
to overwhelming odds…

…provided we do it
in a military fashion. Yes. Carry on.

Right, men. Fall in!

- All right, lads, follow me.
- Quick march!

Halt! Tully?

Look at that.

"New York Institute of Advanced
Physics." That's not the arsenal.

No, we're lost again.
Men, back to the truck, at the double!

Will!

This is General Snippet.
Get me Washington.

Yes, Snippet?

Mr. Secretary, I have to report
an emergency situation in New York.

There's a rumor that the city's
been invaded by men from Mars.

- Men from Mars?
- Yes, sir, in Central Park.

- How did the rumor begin?
- A civil defense officer.

- Was he drunk?
- Maybe, but I thought I'd report it.

Go out to make a personal inspection
of that park and report to me.

This nonsense can ruin an exercise
meant to protect our largest city.

A city, which I don't need to stress,
has been entrusted to your care.

Get my jeep!

We really have to get
into the shelter.

Very well. But I'm hungry.
I'll do the b*mb before we go.

Where's the warden
and the sandwiches?

Even with white bread, with no pickle.

Thank goodness.

Just put the food here with…

Who are you? What do you want?

Well, what is it?

I'm Tully Bascombe, and this is
Will Buckley. Is that Dr. Kokintz?

- Yes, I am.
- We took a chance and here you are.

- You didn't bring my sandwiches?
- No, we've come to capture you.

Is this some joke?
You're not wardens!

No, miss. We're soldiers.

We're at w*r with America.
We came here to surrender.

If we take Dr. Kokintz, we'll be
in a better bargaining position.

- They're crazy.
- Yes. Call the police! Call the Army!

That's no use.
Everybody's underground. What's that?

- It's a coffee percolator.
- Coffee percolator!

I've never seen
an American percolator.

- What do I push?
- Don't push anything!

- I think that's the Q-b*mb.
- Yes.

- Small, isn't it?
- It's my portable.

- We'd better take it along too.
- That's a very good idea. Shall we go?

- Leave my father alone!
- Oh, his daughter. You come too.

- I don't think…
- No violence, please! The b*mb!

Mr. Grand Marshal, permit me
to dismantle it first.

We haven't time.
How do I carry it?

Carefully.

Mr. Constable, don't stumble.
Don't fall.

If you fall,
all of America falls with you.

I see.

Shall we go?

Fall in, men!

Please treat the b*mb with great care.
Do be careful!

- Get them in quickly.
- Come along.

Take cover!

- What's happening here?
- What's your name, soldier?

General Snippet!
Who are you, what's going on?

I'm Field Marshal Bascombe.
You're prisoners.

- Field marshal of what?
- Grand Fenwick.

You're under arrest.
You'll get 100 years.

We'll talk in Grand Fenwick.
You'll be treated accordingly.

Take him away, men.

150 years!
On bread and water!

We have an announcement.
Contrary to rumor, there are…

- -Mars in the city.
Do not panic.

- What did he say?
- Cut it out, that's my radio!

- -men from Mars in the city.
So stay where you are.

We have been invaded
by men from Mars.

- Did you hear that?
- I knew it. I knew it had to come.

Stay where you are!

Ahoy, there!

Well, you weren't away very long.
How did the w*r with the U.S. go?

We won!

- Mr. Secretary?
- Yes, captain, what is it?

- General Snippet is missing.
- He's an idiot. I'll have his star.

They found his jeep at the Institute
of Advanced Physics. They…

- Go on.
- They say it was shot full of arrows.

- Also there was a flag.
- On the arrows?

- On a Customs' shed at the docks.
- What flag?

It's not identified.
They're flying it down.

Also those rumors about men
from Mars are still spreading.

I'm gonna stop this alert.
There's something funny going on.

- A foreign flag on a Customs' shed?
- Yes.

Fothergill, you're in charge
of Post Exchange Relations.

We all realize the importance
of having a helpful, friendly PX.

So be on your toes.
And under the circumstances…

…I don't see why we can't let the
Americans have our wine at a discount.

Mayberry! First impressions
are the strongest.

Give those smiling, boyish GIs
a friendly welcome when they arrive.

And as soon as we get the money,
we must get some malted milk machines.

And not to forget about the hot dogs.

Which brings me to the question
of non-fraternization.

The Occupation Authority is certain
to be strict in this matter.

We'll want to cooperate in every way.

I imagine that non-fraternization
will last for approximately 48 hours.

After which, we will want
those lonesome GI boys…

…to feel this is a real home
away from home.

I think I've dealt with everything.
Any questions?

Nope!

Except, shouldn't we have heard
something by now?

Not to worry, even a nincompoop
like Tully can't spoil this w*r.

Come on.

- Move!
- No more exercise.

Field marshal's order. Move!
On the double! On the double!

It is worse than sitting
on a barrel of gunpowder.

- He won't let you dismantle it?
- He said he wants it dangerous.

He knows whoever has the b*mb
has the world by the tail.

You must persuade him
to let me make it harmless.

Why me?

- He likes you.
- I don't like him.

- For America?
- No, sir, not me!

- For mankind?
- I hate him.

- That is irrelevant.
- Not to me.

Please do it.

- Is it absolutely necessary?
- Absolutely.

- Visiting time's over.
- Yes, I'm just coming. Absolutely.

Okay. Will you please tell
the dictator I'd like to see him?

- Who?
- Bascombe.

Yes, ma'am.

- Are you a typical American girl?
- Come on!

Come in.

- You wanted to see me?
- Yes, as a matter of fact…

Mr. Bascombe!

- You wanted to see me?
- Yes.

- Is everything all right?
- Wonderful.

A 2-by-4 cabin on a rocky boat
with a deadly b*mb under the floor.

- What more could a girl ask?
- That's nice.

- Thanks.
- Is there something I can do for you?

- Let my father dismantle the b*mb.
- I'm sorry, I couldn't do that.

- Please. As a personal favor to me?
- No, I couldn't.

- It's no use talking to you, go away.
- All right.

Stop, please!

- I think you're holding me.
- I am?

Is this how you treat
your prisoners of w*r?

- I'm sorry.
- I hope you're not upset.

- I'm not upset.
- Do you forgive me?

Yes. Can I go now, please?

Not just yet, please. Surely,
Mr. Bascombe, despite everything…

…we can still be friends, can't we?

- Yes, yes.
- That's nice.

I've always admired
strong, silent men like you.

You're awfully young and handsome
to be a real field marshal.

Do you like American girls?

I don't know any American girls
but you. I like you.

That's nice.
Would you like to kiss me?

I wouldn't mind. You can turn around
right now and kiss me if you want to.

- Really?
- Really.

Listen to this. "Look out for a pirate
ship flying a double-headed eagle.

She may attack you."
What's that mean?

I can't imagine.
Ship on the port bow, sir.

Is that so?
Perhaps she's seen this pirate ship.

Hello! Hello, you down there!
Have you seen a little…?

This is a kidnapping! Inform the
embassy… Keep your hands off me!

What was that about?

I can't keep the president waiting.
Don't forget the declaration of w*r.

The U.S. and Grand Fenwick are at w*r
and it takes the FBI to find out.

Wasn't the declaration found behind
the radiator in the State Department?

Yes. Anyway, Chester won't like it
on the island of Yap…

…but how do I tell the president that
15th-century Europeans invaded us?

- You'll find a way.
- And all over some imitation wine.

Why did they resort to w*r? There
are other ways to settle differences.

We've been nice to little countries.

They did send us protests,
and we ignored them.

How am I gonna say we lost the w*r?

Just because they landed,
took a few hostages and got away?

This is top-secret. Not only
did they capture Dr. Kokintz…

…they took his model of the Q-b*mb.

The Q-b*mb?

Yeah, sure, they just about
control the world.

How do I tell that to the president?

It's so thrilling. Isn't it exciting?
Where are my smelling salts?

Hello, Bobo. Happy day.

Shouldn't they be here?
What did the telegram say?

"Arriving approximately 2 p.m.
with Americans and wonderful news."

Good. Hope they don't bring many GIs.
Do they know we're a small country?

Of course they do.
They're very considerate about that.

They're coming! They're coming!
They're coming!

Well, Your Grace, we're home.

There's been a change of plan.

I know it'll come
as a pleasant surprise…

- …but we sort of won.
- You sort of what?

We captured the Q-b*mb, the most
destructive weapon in the world.

And we got some prisoners too.
Dr. Kokintz, his daughter…

…Gen. Snippet
and some New York policemen.

- And this is the b*mb.
- You idiot!

If this b*mb explodes,
it will wipe out most of Europe.

- Let me make it harmless.
- If we do…

…then we haven't won anything.

Oh, dear. This is most complicated,
isn't it?

Put the b*mb away in a dungeon.

And the doctor and Miss Pokinz
can have the rooms next to mine.

What kind of juice do you want
for breakfast?

Orange. But this b*mb is not a
prisoner you can shut in a dungeon…

Listen! This b*mb is stolen property.
It belongs to the United States.

- We won it fair and square!
- Give it back!

If not, you'll live in terror
all your lives. Give it back.

It's the honest thing to do.
It's the wise thing to do!

It's the American thing to do!

There goes
a red-blooded American girl.

- Your Grace, this is General Snippet.
- I warn you…

- …I know the Geneva Convention.
- How nice.

You must recite it to me some
evening. I play the harpsichord.

Come on. In here, all of you.

Take your hands off me!
Who do you think you are…?

Psychological warfare.
Brainwashing!

Remember, only name,
rank and serial number.

- Just don't talk.
- Can we scream?

First we have to form
an escape committee…

There you are, general.
What do you think about our exhibits?

I'm disappointed.
You won't get away with it.

International law forbids torturing us
and keeping us in this cell.

My dear general, this is a museum.

- We don't do these things anymore.
- Really?

I knew it all the time.
I was just testing you fellas.

- I'll show you to your rooms.
- Just a minute.

- Are they regulation size cells?
- I've never measured them.

And meals must be served
on tin plates.

- We don't have any tin plates.
- Then we refuse to move.

Unless you convince me we'll
be treated according to regulations!

I see.

- So you won't have something to eat?
- Only if it's served on a tin plate.

- Follow me, gentlemen.
- Men, stand on your rights.

I'll show them they can't…
Men, where are you?

Men!

- And you?
- No.

I hope the general's okay.

I showed them.

No tin plates, eh?

They had tin plates.

Here is the news:
The situation seems grave…

…and every chancery is in session.

More men are under arms
than in any time in history.

The prime minister said Britain
and Fenwick are united…

…not only by language
and history, but by blood.

And that it was pure accident that the
duchy was not in the Commonwealth.

The government will do all it can
to protect this British outpost.

There were cheers from both sides
of the House. In Paris…

…the president said
that the interests…

…of these two wine-loving countries
are identical…

…and would be maintained at all
costs. There was excitement in Moscow.

The premier said that the Soviet Union
had already invented a Q-b*mb…

…but the workers of
the USSR would do anything…

…to prevent the b*mb from
falling into the hands…

…of the imperialist, warmongering…

…hyenas.

In the U.S., the Yankees
defeated the Braves 6-2…

…in the World Series,
the American version of football.

There is no word from Grand Fenwick,
which controls the world's destiny.

The tiny country remains unconcerned…

…and almost indifferent
to the tension.

Sir.

It's from China.

"If there's anything we can do to help
you against the United States…

…don't hesitate to ask.
Warmest regards."

Impossible!
We can't do business with Red China!

It's not from Red China,
it's from the other one.

We're in trouble.
What are we gonna do about it?

What's the fuss?
We can send 40 paratroopers…

…and get this b*mb
and this Kokintz out.

It's not that simple. Admittedly,
we are at w*r with Grand Fenwick.

But should history record that
a nation of our size…

…attacked the smallest country
in the world?

- You know something? We're stuck.
- We sure are.

Now the French have offered
to defend Fenwick.

The British, 14. Egypt offers six,
and an interest in the Suez Canal.

They all want to take the b*mb home
for safekeeping.

Argentina, Brazil, France, Germany,
Italy, all want to help us.

We've fought a w*r
and reaped disaster.

- It was all your idea, Bobo.
- My idea was perfectly sound.

Only an imbecile
could win this w*r. He did.

He meant well.

The Russians have offered 20 divisions
and want an answer in 48 hours.

- We'll give them 30 divisions.
- You don't seem to understand.

We're at w*r with Fenwick.
How can we protect our enemy?

You know something? We're stuck.

We now have this
frightful engine of destruction…

…which can destroy us
and the rest of Europe.

Do we wage w*r against
the world because of it?

I know our friend will say,
"Guard our frontiers."

I say let America guard its own
frontiers. They can afford it.

- We must give them their b*mb back.
- I'm not so sure.

The Americans are a wonderful people.
We shouldn't have taken the b*mb.

Even if we give it back, some other
country will invent its own Q-b*mb.

Then an X, Y and zed b*mb, and
someday one of them will go off. Boom!

- Then what does Your Grace suggest?
- I really don't know.

- But I think we should wait.
- Wait?

- Wait for what?
- I don't know, just wait.

I see.

In that case, I resign.

So do I.

They're all so sensitive.

Tully, I'm afraid
you're prime minister now.

Do try and think of something.

- I'll do my best, Your Grace.
- There's a good boy.

Oh, dear, dear.
It's all so confusing.

Having the bad conscience of the world
in one's own home. Very difficult.

I do wish Leopold were here.

But we won, didn't we?

The world isn't the same anymore.

Make peace with them!
Then we can protect them.

The president hoped you'd say that.

But the secretary of state is
in the Far East, so it's up to me.

I'll fly to Fenwick
to arrange an armistice. Agreed?

May we come in?
I see you're still angry.

- I'm still a prisoner.
- We both enjoyed your speech.

Then why didn't you let me finish it?
Who are you anyway?

Count Mountjoy, Her Grace's adviser.
This is Mr. Benter of the opposition.

- What do you want?
- May I ask what you want?

I thought I made it clear. I want
to get the b*mb back to America.

- And my father and myself with it.
- And Gen. Snippet and the policemen?

- Whose side are you on?
- The side of sanity. That is, yours.

Nothing is more advantageous than
your return with the b*mb.

- Do you mean that?
- We want to get out of this mess.

What have you got in mind?

We suggest you take
that naughty b*mb away…

- …and we'll help you.
- You mean back to America?

Yes.

We shall return within the hour.
Be prepared to escape.

Adieu. You American women are
so charming. So very charming.

- We've only got an hour!
- Pity.

Who is it?

Well, come in!

I'm taking a bath, so wait out there.

- I didn't expect you so soon.
- You didn't?

Who's that?

Tully Bascombe. Remember?

How could I forget?
What do you want?

I want to talk about being friends.

- That was then. We can't be friends.
- Do you mean that?

Yes, I do. Get out!

- Get out of here!
- You screamed.

How dare you come in
when I'm in this miserable barrel?

- It was made by old barrel-makers.
- Who cares? Now get out.

- I'll wait out there.
- No, come back tomorrow.

I'll just wait, if you don't mind.

Guard?

I've come to discuss an important
matter with Duchess Gloriana.

- We admit no one.
- It's very important.

- That's what they all say.
- It's about the surrender terms.

- Whose?
- Ours.

- Wait here with the others.
- Guard!

Aggressor!

We all have to wait until the workers
permit us to enter.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Guard!
A little caviar, comrade?

Never touch it.

- We haven't much time, general.
- Shouldn't Dr. Kokintz disconnect it?

- We can't find him.
- Come now, general, please.

Who's going to carry it?

Shall we?

No use hanging around.
I have nothing to say to you.

So will you please go?

I see.

- Well, goodbye.
- Goodbye!

If I never see this antique
tourist trap again, I'll be happy!

- You forget we won the w*r!
- You snuck up on us.

- Everybody was underground.
- But we won, and we got your b*mb.

- You stole it!
- It's captured booty.

- It belongs to the United States.
- And you belong to me. My prisoner!

Thief!

- Get the car.
- Right.

- Go away.
- It's me.

- Are you sure my father's waiting?
- Would I lie?

- Yes.
- Thank you. I promise you he is.

- Please come along.
- Who is it?

- It's me again. Tully.
- Go away!

I just want to say that I'm sorry.
I've thought the whole thing over…

- …and my problem is that I love you.
- You do?

- Furthermore, I think you love me.
- I do?

- Yes. Can I come in now?
- You just wait a minute while I think.

- Take your time.
- He said he loved me. He means it.

- He's an idiot.
- He's nice.

Write him a letter.

- I think I've always liked him.
- So have I, but please let's go.

Where are they?
Some transportation, I must say.

It belongs to the duchess.
I only hope she doesn't find out.

I have other worries.

Where's my father?

- Where is he?
- You had him.

- I knew you were a snake.
- We shall look after your father.

Get the b*mb home.
He'll be safe.

You expect me to escape
without the b*mb being dismantled?

There's no time to argue.
Please go.

Bon voyage.

- Where do you suppose the doctor is?
- Haven't the faintest idea.

My girl and my b*mb!

This is not the end of our film.

But something like this
could happen at any moment.

We want to prepare you
and put you in the mood.

Thank you. Now back to our story.

Five! I have another throw.

Well! Six.
One, two, three, four, five, six.

I b*mb Philadelphia.
Who owns it?

- I do.
- You owe me 500 heavy bombers.

Here.

Now it's my turn.

Four. One, two, three, four.

"Take a chance."

"Go to salt mines."

Fortunately, I can pay a fine instead.

I get Saudi Arabia!
Not a bad game.

It's called Diplomacy.
It's my chauffeur's. Good fun.

- My throw?
- Yes.

Stop it, you idiot!

Stop it!

Fix the car, you idiot!

- Hold this. It is your father's.
- Oh, no, not me. I'm only a girl.

- Hurry it up.
- Gently.

Careful! Stop that.

- What's the matter now?
- It won't make the hill.

Then get out and push.

Don't jerk it.

Steady.

Put some weight behind it.

Easy, boys.

- A car just went into that haystack.
- By Jove!

Come on, get him out!
General Snippet, are you all right?

- Hurry!
- General Snippet, are you all right?

The b*mb! It's going off!

Well, I'm ready.

Well, I've never been
a prime minister before…

Anyway, point one:

The California wine
must go off the market.

- You want that in the peace treaty?
- Oh, yes.

- And a million dollars.
- A billion?

- Just a million.
- You can't ask for a measly million.

We spent more in Germany on one city.

- But they lost.
- You may have to take a billion.

If you could try, sir.

We'd like some in the form of bathtubs
and other plumbing equipment, right?

- Yes, dear.
- We're going to be married.

Congratulations.
What about the b*mb?

The b*mb stays here.
And Dr. Kokintz too.

We want him to develop chewing gum
with a pinot flavor.

We expect to export it
to the United States.

- Do you want that in the treaty?
- Absolutely.

But surely you realize you can't
keep the b*mb indefinitely.

We'd like your president…

…to try and persuade
the United Nations…

…to let the little countries
look after the b*mb.

We want disarmament, with…

…the little nations
in charge of the inspection.

I see. I think. But everybody's
cried for disarmament for years…

…and nothing happened. What do you
offer the big nations?

We offer trust. They can't agree
because they all suspect each other.

We all hoped things would be better
after the last w*r.

They're worse with all these bombs.

You believe big nations will
trust small nations…

…to set up a
disarmament policy for them?

I hope so. Because if they don't,
we'll just have to explode the b*mb.

- You'd be blown up too!
- Mr. Secretary…

…if there were an atomic w*r,
Fenwick would be destroyed.

- Aren't we just prolonging the agony?
- I see what you mean.

America wants nothing more than peace.
I'll do my very best.

And for all our sakes,
I hope you make it.

It was nice of you to come.

You'll be escorted back to the border.

Give my love to your president,
and Mrs. Coolidge.

Your Highness, please,
this is important.

The b*mb has had a shaking up.
I'd better look at it soon as possible.

- In fact, now.
- Yes, I do think Papa's right.

Well, do be careful, won't you, Papa?

Thank you.

You are a dud?

All the time, it was a dud.
Remarkable.

- Congratulations.
- Papa, I'm proud of you.

Only we know.

- How's the b*mb?
- Never better, Will.

All right, carry on.