13x12 - The Dear Departed

[bunniefuu]

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why do you miss when my baby kisses me?

♪ Heartbeat

♪ Why does a love kiss stay in my memory? ♪

MUSIC: 'Little By Little' by Dusty Springfield

♪ Little by little by little by little by little

♪ Little by little by little by little by little

♪ Messin' up my life, tearing me apart

♪ Breakin' up my world and...

♪ Givin' up my heart

♪ Oooh

♪ Little by little by...

HAMMERING ON DOOR

♪ I'm losin' all my pride, it's really gettin' bad... ♪

So, it's true, then.

You've got a nerve, moving back here.

- You don't remember me, do you? - Should I?

Maybe not. But you'll remember my dad.

Charlie Walker.

He never did recover, you know. He didn't even last the year out.

I had nowt to do with that, alright?

- You're a liar! - Oh, go to hell!

THUMPS ON DOOR

You see, David, dominoes isn't just a game of chance.

It requires both brains and skill.

More like the common man's chess, really.

It does make one wonder why David keeps beating you at it.

Chips.

There is of course an element of luck involved in any game.

Well, well, well.

Jethro Woods.

And I thought you were dead.

Or was that just wishful thinking on my part(?)

Pint of bitter, please.

You are joking, of course.

Look, Blaketon, I told you then, I'll tell you now,

- I had nowt to do wi' that job. - That was a pig, wasn't it,

I just saw fly past the window(?)

And I'll tell you this. I now know who did do it.

And so do I. I always have.

In fact, I'm looking straight at him!

Now get out!

Is there some sort of problem, Oscar?

Nothing I can't handle.

This, er...gentleman was just leaving.

Weren't you, Woods?

What was all that about, Oscar?

That bloke committed a m*rder...

..and got away with it.

♪ SAMBA-STYLE INSTRUMENTAL

Mr Vernon?

In 'ere.

We've got a customer.

Yes, madam.

Can I be of assistance?

I rang from London yesterday

about booking a funeral with you for my late husband.

Oh, yes. It'll be Mrs Parker, will it?

- That's right. - Yes. Excuse me a moment.

So, not a local man, Mrs Parker, your late nearest and dearest?

He was originally,

yes, but he left the area when he was still quite young.

It was always his wish that he be buried back here in the family grave

at Aidensfield. - A most understandable sentiment.

After all, I do think that whatever dizzy heights

I may ascend to in this life,

I'd want to be laid to rest amongst my own,

when I finally pop my clogs. - Quite.

His full name would be James Parker, would it, Mrs Parker?

That's right.

Right. As I understand it,

arrangements for interment in the parish church

have already been put in train.

Yes. I'm seeing the vicar this afternoon.

If you could give us some idea of the sort of casket you had in mind.

As you can see, we have a wide and varied collection.

Although, I personally would be inclined towards the mahogany.

A wood that lasts, I always say, your mahogany.

All that has already been taken care of

back in London. But he will need to be collected

from the train this afternoon and brought here to the chapel of rest

for a couple of days. - Will that be Aidensfield Station?

At two o'clock today.

Right. Yes, we'll make all the necessary arrangements, Mrs Parker.

Thank you.

He's got a bit of a nerve,

going into Oscar Blaketon's pub, of all places.

After that coshing business?

What coshing business was that, then?

Well, it happened when you were wiping your nose

on the sleeve of your romper suit

and thought that birds were feathery things that lived in trees.

That long since, eh?

Thanks.

So, who's this that got coshed, then?

Er, Charlie Walker, a local businessman.

He was relieved of the entire payroll of a factory that he owned.

And this, er, Charlie Walker died as a result, did he?

Not immediately, no.

But Oscar was convinced it was that that k*lled him.

Because he didn't last the year out.

MUSIC: 'Dimples' by The Animals

♪ I like the way you walk

♪ I'm crazy about your walk

♪ I love to hear you talk

♪ When you talk that talk... ♪

Did Jethro Woods get done for it?

No. It never got to court.

It ought to have done, though.

We had a tip-off fingering Woods for it,

and when we raided his house, we found the briefcase

that Walker had used to put the money in.

It was in Woods's dustbin. DOOR OPENS

Morning, Sarge.

Who used the panda car last?

I did, Sarge.

In that case, I'd have a look at it, if I were you, Ventress.

Somebody's left a message on it for you.

Oh?

CHURCH BELL TOLLS

Oh. Very comical, I must say(!)

Right. Two rooms in the names of... Mrs Parker and Mr Laski.

Right, Mrs Parker. Would you care to see the rooms?

It won't be necessary.

Well, if you'd be kind enough to sign just there.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

- Hello, Harry. - Pint of bitter, please, Oscar.

TRAIN WHISTLE

MUSIC: 'Goin' Back; by Dusty Springfield

♪ I think I'm goin' back

♪ To things I learnt so well

♪ In my youth

♪ I think I'm returnin' to

♪ Those days when I was young...

Eva, my dear.

- How are you? - Taking your advice.

Taking each day as it comes.

♪ Now there are no games

♪ To only pass the time

♪ No more colouring books

This is Mr Scripps from Scripps' Funeral Services.

He's handling the arrangements. This is Mr Laski,

a close friend of my late husband's.

Pleasure to meet you.

Just a pity it couldn't be under happier circumstances.

Right.

Right, yeah. Come along, David.

♪ So catch me

♪ If you can

♪ I'm goin'

♪ Back ♪

One large whisky.

Thanks.

Is it right Jethro Woods was in here last night?

It is. But for what it's worth, I didn't serve him.

Something's got to be done about him.

You just keep out of trouble, Harry.

He's not worth it.

It's the last thing in the world your dad would have wanted.

Yeah, well, my dad's not here, is he?

And you and me both know whose fault that is, don't we, Oscar?

ORGAN: 'Abide With Me'

Would you like the casket opened, Mrs Parker?

- Opened? - People often do,

in case members of the family want to pay their last respects

to their nearest and dearest.

- I wouldn't think so, Mr Scripps. - No?

To the best of our knowledge, James had no surviving family

and I think Eva would find all of that far too upsetting.

- Am I right, Eva? - Oh, yes.

Right.

If you need to get in touch, we're staying at the Aidensfield Arms.

- Of course. - Come along, my dear.

Do you know, there are times, David, when I find myself wondering

whether you're emotionally equipped for this line of work.

TRUMPETS

RADIO: 'Lucky Lips' by Cliff Richard

♪ When I was just a little baby

♪ I didn't have many toys

♪ But my mama used to say "Son, you got more than other boys

♪ Now you may not be... ♪

Did you get the registration number of this motorbike, Mr Woods?

No. He was already halfway round t'corner by the time I got outside.

But there's no doubt in my mind who it was.

And who would that be?

Charlie Walker's son, of course.

He's been round here once already

threatening what he's gonna do to me.

What brings you back to Aidensfield?

Why shouldn't I come back if I want to? I do come from round here.

But you must have known you were likely

to face local hostility after what happened to Charlie Walker.

I'm not surprised.

Especially after the way you lot tried to stitch me up

for a job I didn't do.

But then again, nobody tells me where I can or can't live.

And meanwhile, I want something doing

about that maniac who just broke my front window.

- All right? - Right, Mr Woods.

Fill her up, please.

So, what's the name of this place, then?

It's Aidensfield.

Gateway to the moors, right?

I wouldn't say that exactly.

Can I help you, sir?

You, er... have a toilet here, do you?

I'm afraid it's for staff use only.

You could try the pub across the road.

Thanks.

There you go.

ENGINE STARTS

Somebody threw a brick through his window, eh?

Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Or sorry.

Any idea who?

Woods reckons it was Charlie Walker's son, Harry.

Oh, aye. More than likely.

He was in here earlier on, getting steamed up about it.

"The evil that men do..."

Pardon?

"..lives after them."

Shakespeare.

Well, I'll take your word for it.

I heard you were the arresting officer when Jethro Woods

got nicked for Walker's death. - Yeah, that's right.

I had him bang to rights for it, too.

How come the case was dropped?

- Well, to me, it was political. - How come?

Woods demanded to see a lawyer and when his brief arrived,

he found him with a broken nose, covered in blood.

He'd done it himself.

But he said I'd done it, trying to get a confession out of him.

I can't believe they fell for that.

No, neither could I.

But there'd been some unwelcome publicity in the papers

about alleged police brutality

and the last thing they wanted upstairs was more of the same.

- I see. - I did think about resigning.

But I had my pension to think about.

And if I had resigned,

everyone would have believed I was guilty,

that I did give him a good hiding

and I was being forced to jump before I was pushed.

I still don't see understand we have to bother with the vicar.

Just to finalise the service.

- Reverend Truscott? - Yes.

- Eva Parker. - Oh, yes. Do come in, please.

There is a complication, I'm afraid.

- Oh? - It's about the deeds.

- The deeds? - To the Parker family grave.

Er... I wasn't aware you had deeds to a grave.

Oh, yes. Graves, after all, are property, just like houses.

Whoever holds the deeds dictates, well,

- who can be buried there. - But it's the family grave.

Which means that the grave, and therefore the deeds,

belongs the property of some member of that family.

But wouldn't that be my husband, as the last surviving member?

He isn't.

There's a brother.

A Mr...

..Eli Parker.

- Really? - Oh, yes.

It seems that Mr Eli Parker objects most strongly

to his late brother being laid to rest there.

But why?

From what I can gather, Mrs Parker,

he and your late husband did not enjoy the warmest of relations.

The very suggestion that his brother

might be interred there provoked what I can only describe as

a torrent of profanity from Mr Parker.

So... where does that leave us?

Between a rock and a hard place, I suppose.

Unless Mr Parker can be prevailed upon

to have a change of heart.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

So, what are we going to do?

Well, first of all, find out where

this brother of his lives, I suppose.

Why did James never mention it, the stupid old fool!

RINGING TONE

Hello. Guess who this is?

Yeah. Well, now I'm back, I just wondered whether

you fancied having a couple of bevvies?

Have a chat about how well you've done for yourself since.

It's always puzzled me how you managed it.

Then one morning, when we were slopping out in Armley,

Alec Boothroyd told me exactly how.

Yeah.

So, now I know what happened, I think you owe me.

MUSIC: 'Bad Boy' by Marty Wilde

♪ All the people down the street, whoever you meet, say I'm a bad boy

♪ Say I'm a bad boy

♪ Say I'm a bad boy

♪ Even dear old dad when he gets mad says I'm a bad boy

♪ Says I'm a bad boy

♪ Says I'm a bad boy

♪ Well, you see now, I've got a girl

♪ And we stay out late

♪ Almost every night

♪ Well, the people just stare and they declare... ♪

BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

Just remind me, David, is it ten minutes or minutes

we've been sitting here waiting to be served?

All right, hang on.

Just remember, Vernon,

sarcasm is not only the lowest form of wit,

it's also a guaranteed way of making sure

that you don't get served at all.

Now, what was it? It's just slipped my mind(!)

- A whisky and half a bitter. - Allow me, gentlemen.

Make that a large whisky and a pint.

Oh, that's very nice of you, Mr Laski.

Yeah, cheers, Mr Laski.

Well, not the happiest of occasions, eh, Mr Laski?

Seeing a close friend laid to rest.

No, indeed not.

And not being made any easier by the latest development, I'm afraid.

In fact, I was wondering if you two might perhaps help us.

Oh, aye?

- Salt and vinegar? - Ta.

♪ You don't have a penny to spend

♪ But you're feeling all right

♪ Soon it'll be the weekend

♪ So you're feeling all right... ♪

Do you know Eli Parker, Vernon?

Well, let's say our paths have crossed on occasion.

Yeah, the last time they did, he threatened to sh**t Alfred

with his -bore if he caught him on his land again.

- Who's Alfred? - Oh, he's my dog.

He reckoned he was worrying his sheep.

But he didn't have any sheep.

So, er, what are the chances of getting him to change his mind?

Well, with your accents, slim to none,

I'd say, Mr Laski. However...

if the approach came from someone more local, say, offering money...

What sort of money?

I'd start with £ and work your way up.

Depending how bright the gleam in his eye is.

Well, I think we could go along with that,

don't you, Eva? - Anything to see poor James

finally laid to rest. You know that.

And of course, it goes without saying,

there'd be coming your way

if you managed to pull it off for us, Mr Scripps.

Oh. The last thought in my head was

that there would be anything in it for me.

CHUCKLES

Argh!

TYRES SCREECH

TELEPHONE RINGS

Dr Merrick.

Where?

I'm on my way.

Phil.

If the point of impact was about here...

- Yeah? - Have a look at this.

SIREN

Which means, whoever hit him had to swerve to do it.

Exactly.

SIREN Here we are.

SIREN STOPS

What sort of shape is he in, Doctor?

He's still alive. But only just.

Has the man who was run over been identified?

It's Jethro Woods, Sarge,

the man Oscar Blaketon refused to serve the other night.

He also got a brick through his window.

Really? How is he?

Well, he was still touch and go

when we spoke to the hospital a couple of hours ago.

There's one other thing, Sarge. The tyre marks left in the mud.

I used to do some motorcycle scrambling.

And the treads were definitely from scrambling tyres.

They have certain distinctive features.

Well, in that case, get copies of these

and take them round local dealers, see if they ring any bells.

I'll get on to Division,

let them know we have a hit-and-run on our hands.

Right, Sarge. PHONE RINGS

Sergeant Merton.

Yes.

Right, Doctor. Thanks for letting us know.

Correction.

Seems we have a death on our hands.

MUSIC: 'Three Little Fishes' by The Swinging Blue Jeans

♪ Three little fishes and a mama fish too

♪ They went swimming in a reeky rocky pool

♪ They swam and they swam and they swam and they swam

♪ They swam right over the dam... ♪

So, deliberate or accidental, do you reckon?

I'd say deliberate. Looks like he spun round here

and made off the way he came.

Didn't quite manage to avoid the wall, Sarge,

if these marks here are anything to go by.

- Can you measure these up? - Yeah.

These are the tyre marks we photographed, sir.

Has anyone had a word with Walker yet

about the brick-throwing incident?

Not to mention his movements last night.

I did try to get hold of him, sir, but there wasn't anyone in.

Then, let's try again, shall we?

Right, sir.

MUSIC: 'The Big Country' by Geoff Love

Right. You two, keep out of sight.

I'll handle this.

g*nsh*t

- What's up? - It's snagged on summat.

What is it?

I don't know.

Hang on a minute.

♪ Laughin' and a swimmin' while they can

♪ Saw a little baby shark, it wasn't very funny

♪ It turned and swam right back to the dam

LEAD GUITAR RIFF

Er... Vernon Scripps, Mr Parker.

We have met.

Not got that mangy dog with you, have you?

No, no, no. We've had him put down,

like you suggested.

I was wondering if I could have a word.

What about?

This unfortunate little misunderstanding

that seems to have arisen about laying your brother

to rest in the family grave.

There's no misunderstanding about it.

Cos none of us cared a tinker's cuss for him when he were alive,

especially my mother.

And she'd turn in that grave if she knew he were lying on top of her.

Well, I must say, I do admire the principled stand

you're taking over this.

Cos some people would jump at the £

that's on offer for you to change your mind.

£?

That's what his dearest friends are prepared to offer

as a token of their appreciation

if you were to see your way to changing your mind about this.

Think I'd betray my own mother for a miserable £?

(MOUTHS)

They may be prevailed upon to go even higher,

if I were to have another word with 'em.

How much higher?

Look. Why don't you put the g*n down and we'll talk about it?

Where were you last night between ten and quarter past?

- At the pictures. - On your own?

Yeah.

Do you often go to the pictures on your own?

Only when I've been stood up.

And who was it stood you up?

Her name was Gloria.

Some bird I picked up at a dance on Saturday night.

I never caught her second name.

Tell us about the brick that got thrown

through Jethro Woods' window the night before?

I know nothing about that.

Our information is that you threatened Jethro Woods.

I told him what I thought of him, yeah.

Did you know Mr Woods was k*lled last night by a hit-and-run driver?

No.

He wasn't, was he?

Well. What a terrible loss, eh(?)

- To society. - You find that funny?

No funnier than when my own dad died after what that scum did to him.

I didn't k*ll him, if that's what you're suggesting.

A word of advice, son.

Try to find out Gloria's second name. We'll want to talk to her.

To corroborate that part of your story, anyway.

Well, if he is responsible, sir,

he certainly didn't use the bike he's working on.

The tyre patterns are completely different

to the ones we photographed.

But tyres can be changed, can't they, Constable?

Lift the back end.

Push it.

Lift the front!

- I'm going round t'front. - You do summat.

Shall we take it to t'police or summat?

If we do, they'll just keep it. That'll be the last we see of it.

So let's clean it up, see if we can get it going.

You know, if Shiner reckons Walker's your man, he's crazy.

Walker does have something of a reputation

for being a hothead, Oscar.

Which is why I can easily believe it was him that chucked the brick

through the window. But hit-and-run? Never. Not his style.

Not even against Woods.

Phil? How's Gina?

Ooh, I think the usual word to describe her condition is blooming.

As to blooming what,

I'd rather not say.

The last couple of months are always the worst.

You men really don't know you're born, do you?

Anyway, when are you and that immortal sergeant of ours

going to start a family?

We're in no hurry.

Neither were we(!)

Mr Peters?

DI Shiner. There's been an accident involving a scrambling bike.

Wondered if you could help us identify the tyre marks?

Do you have any pictures of the tyre marks?

Of course.

they're definitely scrambler tyres.

But there's nothing unique about the pattern.

All scrambler bikes have tyres like this.

Well, thanks for your help, Mr Peters.

If anything does occur to you, you know where to find us.

Right.

Right. Let's give it a go.

ENGINE STARTS, THEN STOPS

ENGINE STARTS Yeah!

Come on.

I suppose we should be grateful you're still alive to tell the tale

after facing up to that old barmpot.

You should have seen him, Mr Scripps.

He just stood there and looked old Mr Parker right in the eyes.

I was very proud of you, Mr Vernon.

Well, you know what they say, David.

"Cometh the hour, cometh the man."

It all boils down to having confidence in one's ability

to control a situation.

Not to mention the quid he gave you(!)

SWITCHES ENGINE OFF

Right, then.

METALLIC CLANGING

Quick!

Let's get out of here.

♪ Three little fishes and a mama fish too

♪ They went swimming in a reeky rocky pool

- ♪ They swam and they swam... - Wayne, give me a go!

♪ They swam right over the dam... ♪

ADJUSTS VOLUME ON CAR RADIO

SCREECH OF TYRES

Wayne, are you all right?

Are you OK?

- Yeah, I think so. - Can you stand up for me?

- Yeah. - Can you put your weight on it?

What were you thinking of? You didn't even look.

And without a crash helmet on!

Is it your bike?

- We found it. - Found it?

Down the quarry.

What, it was just left there?

It were lying in the water.

Come over here.

- Are you sure you're all right? - Yeah, I'm fine, Sarge.

It's just a bit sore, that's all.

The tyre treads certainly match up.

Right, Bellamy. Get onto Forensics.

Get them to have a look at it,

just in case any fingerprints have survived.

Right, Sarge.

Sarge?

- What number do you live at, then? - .

Sarge?

What is it? You having second thoughts about going home?

No. No, I'm fine, honestly.

It's just, the night Oscar Blaketon chucked him out of the pub,

Jethro Woods swore blind he was never involved

in the coshing of Harry's Walker father,

but that he now knew who HAD done it.

Suppose he was telling the truth,

really had been fitted up?

- Not by Oscar Blaketon, surely? - No, Sarge.

By the real robber.

Ever since Jethro Woods came back to Aidensfield,

he's been telling everyone he knew who did the job.

It would explain why he was k*lled.

Stop him talking.

Could be right.

Take another look at the bike outside.

See if you can find a serial number.

Then go on to the manufacturer and find out which dealer

they supplied it to. - OK. Sarge.

There we go. See you in the morning.

David? I think a drink's in order.

Oh. Thanks, Mr Vernon.

Let it get dark first, shall we, boyo?

Whatever you say, guv.

John Peters of Peters Motorcycles?

The one Inspector Shiner and I saw the other day, Sarge.

And who, according to the manufacturer,

was supplied with a motorbike with that particular frame number

only a few months back.

So, get on to him and find out who he sold it to.

If he sold it to anyone, that is, Sarge.

Oh?

Peters wasn't always the respectable pillar of the community

that he is nowadays.

He was a right tearaway in his youth.

- Was he? - More to the point, Sarge,

who do you think his bosom pal was in those days?

Not Jethro Woods?

So you can confirm, Mr Peters, that this particular bike

was supplied to you by the manufacturer.

If that's what their records show, how could I dispute it?

But as to who it was sold on to...

..we supply scores of bikes during the course of the year, Sergeant.

So, impossible to say.

You presumably keep records.

We do, but, well...

it's never been what you'd call one of my strong points, book-keeping.

Let's talk about Jethro Woods, then,

shall we? The victim of the hit-and-run.

You did know him, didn't you?

Vaguely, I suppose.

Oh, rather better than that, surely.

Our information is that you two were the best of friends.

Partners in crime, in fact,

on more than one occasion.

Look. I was young and stupid then, OK?

And one day, I suddenly realised it was a mug's game.

And I've gone straight ever since.

And one of the first people I dropped was Jethro Woods.

And was about that time you opened this place?

That's right.

It's quite a leap, isn't it?

From petty thief to leading motorcycle supplier?

Or is it that you suddenly came into some money?

- As a matter of fact, I did. - And this windfall

just happened to coincide with the robbing of Charlie Walker.

No. This uncle of mine over in Australia died.

I'd always been a favourite of his

before he emigrated.

And the name of this uncle?

Ben. Uncle Ben Peters.

And whereabouts in Australia did he live?

Sydney.

Where were you the night that Jethro Woods was k*lled, Mr Peters?

At home with the wife, a fact she'll be only too happy to confirm.

Right, then.

We'll leave it there for the moment. Thank you.

He's our man, all right, Sarge.

Has to be.

Not if his wife backs up his story that he was with her all night.

On the other hand, if we can prove that...

he was the one who robbed Charlie Walker, even if it was years ago...

Check out this Australia business, will you? The late Uncle Ben.

Right, Sarge.

Why are we doing this, Mr Vernon?

Look, it's not just about the break-in last night.

It's all the other things, as well.

Like what?

Well, you must've noticed when we carried that coffin

that there wasn't much weight, even for an old fella.

And then there's the age difference between Eva and her late husband.

I mean, what's a good-looking bird doing with an old dodderer?

I know, but...

It all requires further investigation.

Come on.

Go on, David. Get the lamp.

Well, switch it on. We haven't got all night.

I think the battery's flat.

Oh, terrific(!)

Hang on. I've got an idea.

Couldn't we just turn the lights on?

Well, hardly, David,

seeing Bernie's asked the police to keep a special eye on the place.

You have got a match, I hope.

CLATTERING

W... What was that?

Well, don't just stand there. Blow it out. Quick!

- (Come on.) - (All right.)

Ready?

Oh! Will you look at all that lovely lucre?

Bingo.

OWL HOOTS

Agh!

What the...?

well, there's somebody down there!

- Who are you? - Get out!

I'm getting up.

What are you doing here?

Mr Blaketon. You've got to do something!

About what?

It's the chapel of rest. They've broken in again.

And Mr Vernon's in there!

- And if they find him... - MERTON: All right, David.

Oscar, phone Crane and tell him to get some help over here.

Now, David, calm down and tell me exactly what's happened.

It's nothing to do with me. I just work here.

Shut up!

Right.

All right, Taffy, put him down. And then put your hands up,

the pair of you.

A most timely entrance, Mr Laski.

And that includes you, Scripps.

But I... I just...

Just do it!

Now, as I understood it,

the plan was to bury the money until everything had cooled down a bit.

Yeah, well.

Let's just say we decided to take our share now, all right?

Well, then you're an even bigger cretin

than I thought you were, Evans.

In case you don't know,

when a mail van has been robbed, the police circulate the numbers

of the notes that have been stolen, which means

the minute you try and spend any of it,

they jump on you from a great height.

That's our problem, isn't it?

Well, no. It becomes our problem if, because of your stupidity,

we all end up getting nicked. - Look.

Just give us our share and we'll take our chances, OK?

Oh, yes.

And if I agree, what exactly do you propose to do about Mr Scripps here,

since he can presumably identify every one of us?

Well, there'll be plenty of room in the coffin for a body,

once we've emptied it.

Oh, you lads will have your little joke.

Two things I never joke about, boyo!

Money and bodies.

Just the two of them?

- Yeah. - There might be four.

How do you mean?

When David said the place was being burgled,

a man and a woman ran out.

That was Laski and Mrs Parker.

And it's her husband that's lying in the coffin in the chapel of rest.

Did you call Ashfordly for backup?

Yes, Sarge. Also, Bellamy's in the area.

- He's on his way. - Right.

In that case...

all we need to do...

..is stall them for a few minutes.

SIREN Shh!

Listen!

MUSIC: 'No Hiding Place' by Lonnie Donegan

♪ Ain't no hiding place down here

♪ No hiding place down here

♪ I went to the rocks to hide my face

♪ The rocks cried out no hiding place

♪ There's no hiding place down here

♪ I went to the rocks to hide my face

♪ The rocks cried out no hiding place

♪ There's no hiding place Down here ♪

So, what happened to Eli Parker's brother,

the one that was supposed to be in the coffin?

Alive and well and helping us with our enquiries back in London.

It was his idea to use his family grave to hide the money in.

To spite his mother, principally.

His mother?

Apparently, he never forgave her for kicking him out all those years ago.

And it appealed to his sense of humour to stash the money

in the same grave as her

in a coffin with his own name on it.

Here you are.

That telegram you've been waiting for from Australia.

Oh, right, thanks.

Sarge?

Well?

This Uncle Ben of yours. The one who left you all the money.

Oh, yes?

He emigrated to Australia, you say?

When I was still a kid, yes.

The immigration authorities over there

have no record of him, you see.

Any more than the Sydney authorities have of any British immigrant

of that name having died there in the last years.

How do you explain that, Mr Peters?

I think, before I say any more, I'd like to have my solicitor present.

I think you'd be very wise, Mr Peters.

Very wise.

For years, I've been thinking Jethro Woods got away with m*rder.

Well, sorry, Oscar. He was entirely innocent of that one.

So he was right all along.

Did, er, somebody set him up?

Yeah. His so-called best mate Peters has given a full confession.

You could hardly blame yourself, Oscar.

Everyone makes mistakes, even you.

I'll pretend I never heard that.

If you've any other old crimes you want solved, just let us know(!)

Yeah, well, I'll bear it in mind.

"The mills of God grind slowly."

"Yet they grind exceeding small."

Is that more Shakespeare, then?

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Pint of bitter, please, Oscar.