Spaceman (2016)

[bunniefuu]

It started out as just another

day of living the dream.

In Montreal, I had

become a fan favorite.

They would shower me with tiny

foil ba*ls of hash in the bullpen

and lower down little

bottles of Tequila.

A record take of 67 bottles

in two months one season.

And the good stuff, too.

I loved the life of getting paid to

play the greatest game on earth.

Sometimes I thought

to myself that maybe

I'd even do it for free.

Bill Lee takes the ball today.

Good-looking kid out of

Southern California.

He's very quotable.

You know, his teammates have started

calling him "the spaceman."

Lee is really on top

of his game these days.

Well, he's certainly

not afraid to speak his mind.

He referred to Red Sox manager

don Zimmer as "the gerbil."

He may not know how

to keep his mouth shut,

but he plays the game

the right way.

Handles a bat well, too.

Looks like he finally wore

out his welcome in Boston.

Bill Lee has to be considered

one of the top lefties

of all of baseball.

The spaceman

just keeps on competing

and has put together a fine

season for the Montreal expos.

Left to center?

Yeah, I guess so.

He's actually a little bit

left of Che Guevara.

Once again,

bill Lee works out of a jam.

You can't help but feel he's always

one step ahead of the hitter.

Well, there's only one spaceman.

Stop. Stop.

Bill Lee. Present and accounted

for, drill sergeant.

Uh-uh. This gate don't open

till one hour before game time.

That's like, um,

five minutes from now.

Eh. You can go in through

gate a or gate d.

Just not this one, gate c, huh?

When the hell did

they make that rule?

Look, I can come in,

I'm on the team.

Yes.

In, uh, four minutes.

Okay.

Let's start over.

I don't think that

we've officially met.

My name's Lee.

I swore to you I'm on

the team, all right?

I'm a pitcher. Left-handed pitcher.

Lanceur.

I won 17 games three years in a row.

I can come in.

Of course.

Bill Lee!

Sorry about that...

Ah, it's okay.

You just don't look Chinese. No.

No, I sure don't.

You gonna let me in?

Three minutes.

Thank you!

Merci Beaucoup.

Hey, stop, huh?

Bye-bye.

Somebody stop him!

Heard you shut down the

cul-de-sac again last night.

Yeah, I was tucked in

by midnight.

You know, you guys are like the

gestapo with your spies around town.

Losing five straight

this early on will do that.

People start to panic.

What?

Ace from space!

You throwing today?

I hope so. Hey, how's

your wife doing?

I think they found

what they were looking for.

And thank you for the Jersey.

My son went crazy over it.

Thank you! He brought it

to school, everything.

Thanks.

Good luck tonight.

You know, we won the

damn division last year.

How about some Patience? Like,

give us some time to gel.

Not sure Patience is a

high priority right now.

Everyone's on edge.

Yeah, well, they should be.

We're facing Fernando tonight.

You hear anything about a

drug problem on this team?

Why do you guys always come asking

me for these kinds of things?

Gee, I don't know. Maybe

because you are on the cover

of high times magazine.

Yeah, I know.

Did you actually say you sprinkle

marijuana on your oatmeal?

No, I said pancakes, okay?

It makes me impervious to bus

fumes when I run to the ballpark.

Big difference.

You know, you should try it sometime.

It helps with anxiety.

What are you guys doing here?

Huh, careful! This might turn into a

drinking town with a baseball problem.

What is it now?

A hockey town with

a drinking problem.

Bill, what do you think of the rumored

"drug problem" in this clubhouse?

Don't answer that.

Pretty please.

Well, there, uh,

definitely is

a drug problem here.

Whitman hasn't been able to score

anything good since spring training

and he's starting

to get the shakes.

Hey, bill, how do you think losing your

pal Rodney Scott's gonna affect the team?

Yeah bill, you gonna take a stand for

Rodney like you did for Bernie in Boston?

Cool breeze!

What the hell happened, man?

I just got g*dd*mn dropped.

When?

Just now.

Are you freaking kidding me?

If I'm lying' I'm dying.

You're one of our MVPS

god damn it.

Where's Fulton?

I'm done as a dog here, man.

I have no idea

what I'm gonna do now.

Hey, don't you worry, I'm gonna

go talk to Fulton right now.

Bill.

There ain't no use in getting

yourself all caught up in this mess.

I got it.

All right, take it easy, bill.

I'm so freakin' outta here.

Guys!

This injustice can

no longer be tolerated!

Now, who's with me?

Uh, I'm with you.

Come on.

Who's with me?

Pussies.

Hey, bill.

Fine, I'm going.

Would you calm down, please?

Crazy a*s-cr*cker.

Bill! Hold on.

Bill...

What you gonna say to him?

Tommy. Tommy!

f*cking chickenshit.

What're you... Hold

on, hold on, hold on.

"This is bullshit.

"I'll be at brasserie 77.

"If you need me,

come and get me."

All right, Rodney.

Let's go. Let's get out of here.

Hey, bill...

- Bill.

- What?

Hold on for a second now, bill.

Now look, the thing is I gotta

finish packing up my things

and they're supposed to bring out

the cold cuts any minute now.

So I'll catch up

with you, all right?

The cold cuts?

You're gonna stick

around for the...

I love charcuterie. Just go.

Go. Okay. Okay.

Well, I'll meet you...

I'll see you there.

So here's Ron Cey to lead off

the top half of the sixth.

Bob James now on in relief.

Oh!

Next!

Wow, you are unbelievable.

You know that?

Yeah, yeah. Just payment.

You're a thief.

Come on, you got to

pitch around this guy!

Sandy, can I get

another one, please?

Do you mind turning on

the baseball game for me?

Sorry, hockey's on.

Might wanna slow down a little.

You're drinking those like water.

I never drink water this fast.

Hey, bill. Would you

like a shot of whiskey?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

No, thank you.

In fact, I think I'm gonna head

back over to the ball park.

Looks like they might

be needing me soon.

Doesn't look like

Rodney's showing up.

You're four deep. You

sure you wanna go pitch?

That's actually five.

And yeah, I'll be fine.

You might want to turn on

that baseball game.

You're about to witness

something special.

Well, good luck.

- He's there. He's got it.

- And that will end the inning.

Look, I was ready to pitch!

I could've held them and we

would've won the damn ballgame.

How am I supposed to help this team

when you don't f*cking use me?

We are 20 plus games

into the season,

and I've pitched,

what, 12 innings.

Are you completely

f*cking crazy, Lee?

I might be a little bit

crazy, yeah.

Do you honestly think I would put

you into a major league ball game

after you've been at a bar drinking?

Oh...

You were lit!

I wasn't lit.

I had five beers... Five beers,

seven beers, ten beers...

I'd beat catfish

after having seven.

Okay?

You don't think that

we drink and smoke

all g*dd*mn game long

in the bullpen anyway?

That's not the point!

The point is

you abandoned your team!

You're a deserter.

A deserter.

Where the f*ck are we, Hanoi?

Look, I was just trying to

make a statement. All right?

Where is the compassion

on this team?

Rodney has a family.

Rodney Scott is none

of your business.

None of my business?

Rodney has given us everything

that he has for three years.

He has won ball games for us,

and he is one of the most decent

guys that we have on this team.

He's my f*cking friend. And you

f*cking lie to him over and over.

This is a business, Lee, plain and simple.

It's a business.

Rodney was batting .200.

Numbers don't lie.

Lee, listen.

You can't fight reality, Lee.

Ever seen reality? You ever

noticed what reality is?

Because you lose every time.

Do you have a Webster's

dictionary in here or just

comic books and porn?

Why me? What did I

do to deserve him?

I want you to look up the word

"integrity" and tell me what it says.

That's enough.

"Integrity is the essence

of everything successful."

Buckminster Fuller said that.

Who?

Yeah, exactly.

I am sick and tired of this

intellectual bullshit!

This is baseball, not UCLA.

Goodrich wants to see you in

his office bright and early.

Now this is between

you and him now.

Why can't he just

see me right now?

He doesn't want to see you

in the state you're in.

We're not in a state.

We're in a province.

You would know that

if you went to college.

Oh, and by the way,

I went to USC, not UCLA,

you ignorant f*cking prick.

Out. Now!

Hmm...

f*cking push me?

Get out.

"It's better to die

than to live in sleep."

Shakespeare?

No, no, no...

GI Gurdjieff.

The Indian mystic.

GI Gurdjieff...

The f*ck out!

I wasn't worried a bit.

Hell, it wasn't even

the first time

I had to walk off

a team to make a point.

Back in Boston, I won 17

games, three years in a row.

Even started game seven

of what many consider

the greatest world series

ever played.

Bill,

last night Fisk hit one of the most

historic home runs of all time

and tonight, you get the

ball for all the marbles.

Reds manager, sparky Anderson

says that win or lose,

his pitcher don Gullett is

going to the hall of fame.

What do you have

to say about that?

Well, win or lose, I'm

going to the Eliot lounge.

There it is.

A high drive. He was

waiting for that one.

That one is gone

over everything.

We didn't win that

ball game, unfortunately.

Tony Perez hit a curveball of

mine that hasn't landed yet.

But I'd like to see you find don

Gullett's plaque hanging in Cooperstown.

I however,

I kept my end of the bargain.

We called ourselves the loyal

order of the buffalo heads.

It was me, Fergie Jenkins, Rick wise,

Jim Willoughby and Bernie Carbo.

Bernie was a bit

out of control in hindsight.

Well, I guess we all were, but, I

don't know. Maybe I'm projecting.

Hey, what are you doing? Come back

here, you crazy m*therf*cker!

Oh, we're screwed.

Oh, sh*t.

I said to the gm...

How the hell

can you trade Carbo?

This team needs a guy like him.

I realize he's been

partying sort of hard

and traveling with that crazy stuffed

gorilla, but he has a family.

Where is the compassion

around here?

And he just said...

It's a business, bill.

You'll learn soon enough.

One day you'll understand

why we have rules.

Om.

Om.

Om.

Om.

Om.

Om.

Om.

Jesus!

Lee, how the hell

did you get in here?

Through the door.

Always with

the smart answers, huh?

Get the f*ck off my desk, bill!

You like games, huh, bill?

How about we play

a fun little game, huh?

And in this game, bill,

I ask you another question,

we see if you can come up

with a clever answer.

Does that sound good?

Yeah.

Okay.

Here's the question, bill.

How do you feel about the fact that we

are about to release your insubordinate,

over-the-hill a*s immediately

from your contract?

Releasing me?

Under whose authority?

The queen of f*cking England.

What difference does it make?

It's a done deal.

Pack up your sh*t.

You don't have

the right to restrict

my constitutional

freedom of expression.

Oh, sh*t.

You know what, bill?

You're absolutely right.

I don't. I know.

But what I do have

the right, bill,

is to decide

who plays on this team,

and who doesn't. And frankly,

we're going to really miss ya.

Okay. Come on, we both know

that this team needs me.

Maybe.

But you know what, that's a risk

that we're very willing to take.

And I need them. I do.

I have a family,

my kids go to school here.

They have friends.

We can't move back

to the states.

They only know

the metric system.

Well, bill, this will give

them a chance

to "expand their consciousness,"

as you like to say.

You know what's funny,

is I hate this part of my job.

You know, releasing players,

'cause normally,

right now is

the time when I say,

"oh, I'm so sorry.

It's not personal.

"It's business."

But today,

it actually feels good,

to be honest,

'cause I was gonna wait to

do this after the home stand.

But since you're being here,

and such a f*cking douchebag,

why don't you just sign here,

and initial here?

And you know what, bill,

we're done.

You know what?

You wanna cut me, go for it.

There are plenty

of other clubs out there

desperate for quality

left-handed pitching.

One of them will sign me.

And then we're gonna come marching back

in here with the pennant on the line,

and I'm gonna beat you

in a game so bad

that your future, future,

great grandsons will feel it

like a swift kick in the nuts.

That's my grandpa Forrest

for f*ck's sake, bill.

I tell you what, bill, I sincerely

believe that you believe that.

One of them will sign me, someone who

appreciates me and lets me be myself.

Somebody who knows how to treat

its employees with dignity.

With respect and loyalty.

Hey, do me a solid, when you find this

mythical team, see if they'd give me a job?

Hey, bill! Come on back. What?

Hey, unless you initial

it's not official.

I got a t-shirt made

with that on it.

There you go.

Oh, that's mature, bill.

Yeah.

That's mature.

Somebody will pick me up.

Guaranteed, probably

later this afternoon.

Don't count on it, bill.

Don't f*cking count on it.

- You're listening to

- CFCF 600 Montreal.

There is a disturbing rumor

circulating around town right now

that the expos

have released bill Lee.

Hopefully, it's just a rumor.

Either way, this one

goes out to you, bill.

It's Warren Zevon, bill Lee.

f*ck' expos...

f*ck! f*ck!

I got a brother, he's got a fishing

outfit in the eastern townships.

You can get a job there.

It's all the COD you can eat.

Hydroponics.

Hydroponics.

Trust me, it's gonna

be big one day.

Ever think about

going into politics, bill?

Hey, would you village idiots

shut the f*ck up already.

Dickie Dennis.

This strapping

young man right here

is a g*dd*mn professional

baseball player.

That's right, goddammit.

He doesn't need to be growing

weed on a fishing boat

while running for the

senate for his livelihood.

f*ck no, he needs to

be throwing a baseball.

Because it is a god given talent.

That's right.

And the spaceman here

is an icon,

he's bigger than the game itself.

Okay, all right, d*ck.

And the game needs fellas like this.

That's enough.

No, no, no.

Let's get another one.

I got a way of getting

you back on the mound.

A word in my office,

s'il vous plait.

Okay, I can't wait

to hear this one.

Yep.

Right, Larry, thank you.

So how's the new novel

coming along there, d*ck?

Great. Just waiting on

notes from the editor.

He's real excited

about this one.

Isn't that what you said

about the last one?

Yeah, and the one before that.

But this is not about

my bad luck streak.

It is about

your bad luck streak.

You got a plan?

Yeah, I got a plan.

What is it? My plan is

to wait by the phone

and just wait for the

offers to come rolling in.

That's my plan.

What if your phone don't ring?

It will.

I gotta be honest with you, bill.

You're 35 years old.

You're not over the hill just yet, but

you're not a spring chicken either.

Satchel Paige threw

three scoreless innings

against the Red Sox

when he was 59 years old.

I'm well aware of that fact.

And that's why

I got a real plan.

What we're gonna do...

We're gonna write letters

to every single team

in major league baseball.

We're gonna let 'em know that you are

healthy, ready, and available to play.

You mean every team

in the national league?

Why?

Oh.

I won't be able to hit

in the American league.

I don't think we should

cut the cloth quite so fine.

I gotta hit, I gotta hit,

and that means being part

of the national league.

Yeah, but you're cutting

our options in half.

What do you mean,

"our options?"

What is this?

It means I'll be your agent.

Just for

a nominal fee, you know?

Whatever the industry

standard is.

I don't know that.

I've been just fine on my own without

an agent for all these years.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah. What do you know about

being an agent, anyway?

Where is your career right now?

Professional representation

is where the sport is headed.

So why don't you do

what you do best,

you let me do what I do best.

And what is it exactly

that you do best?

Now you're just

trying to hurt me.

How long have we known each other?

How many years?

I don't know.

Too damn long.

And in that time, we've gone

through a lot of sh*t together.

- A whole lot.

- Yeah.

I got people ask me

all the time,

"what's bill Lee, really like?

"Is he really as big of a flake and a

stoner as they make him out to be?"

You know what

I tell those people?

What do you tell those people?

I tell them the truth.

Which is?

I tell them that bill Lee is one

hell of a fine left-handed pitcher.

And he's also one of the most

thoughtful players I've ever met.

You're incredibly well-read

and you're bright.

And I've known a lot

of great players in my time

but I've never known

another one like you.

But you gotta face it, kid.

Business is not

your strong suit.

So, come on board.

And let's get you

back where you belong.

On a major league mound.

Viva la spaceman!

Here.

Let me buy you a real drink.

No, no, no, no, no. I gotta be in...

I gotta be in early tonight.

Oh, yeah?

Where do you gotta be?

Got the kids this weekend.

Oh, he's got the kids

this weekend.

Come on, don't be a p*ssy.

Just one.

Daddy!

Daddy!

Wake up.

Wake up!

Wake up.

Wake up!

Come on. Wake up!

I got an a on my French test.

Good job there, kiddo.

Show-off.

Are you sad you lost your job?

They saw it on the news.

Oh, hey.

Should we go to

the park for a bit,

give you a chance

to sleep some more?

No, no, no, no.

I'm up.

I'm up!

We are going to

the history museum today

and we're gonna go check

out the spider pavilion.

Why don't you ask your mom

if she wants to come with us.

You wanna come?

You guys have fun.

Kids, if you need

anything at all, call me.

I'll be at grandma's all weekend.

Okay? Okay.

Love you. Love you

too, mom, bye.

Dad, we're hungry.

All right. Food... You

know where the food's at.

Look, it's just temporary.

Your father still has

a lot left in the tank.

And the universe has a way of rewarding

people who are in the right.

We're gonna find a new team.

Can I still root for Montreal?

Players. Just not

the management.

What's gonna be the new team?

I don't know yet, sweetie.

But, we'll find out soon enough.

Ah...

But right now we're gonna

do a little teamwork.

All right, we are

gonna write letters

to every team in the national

league asking for a job.

Should we tell them that your

era was best on the team?

And you were second

in games pitched?

Uh, I think they know

that, sweetheart.

But sometimes people

make mistakes.

They get angry and they lose

control of their emotions.

Have you ever lost control

of your emotions?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we all do.

It's just part of being a

member of the human species.

I thought we were mammals.

We are mammals.

We're both.

Mammals is our class

and primate is our order.

You see, that is why

you go to school.

Hmm.

Hey.

Bonjour. Good morning.

My name is Gino Lapue

and this is Claude.

You boys Mormons?

'Cause I'm in no mood for

prophesizing this morning.

This soul is far beyond saving.

No, we are not Mormons.

We are from

the Longueuil senators.

Politicians? sh*t, now I

wish you were Mormons.

So sorry to disturb you,

but we come bearing

an opportunity.

Bill, how much would you

like to be pitching again?

Did you guys buy the team?

No, no, we want you

to play for us.

Who's us?

Local church league

softball team?

Um, I manage

the Longueuil senators,

of the Quebec

men's senior league.

Senior league?

Yeah, we play hardball.

Yeah.

Two games a week.

Some very nice players.

Yeah, yeah.

No, Merci Beaucoup.

Uh, I don't play

senior baseball.

And who's Marcel

Marceau over here?

And why doesn't he speak?

This is Claude.

This is our catcher.

While he doesn't speak very

much English, but trust me,

he's great behind the plate. Ah.

Listen, listen.

We've already spoken to the

ministry of sports on your behalf.

And they agreed to reinstate

your amateur status.

Amateur?

Who the hell are you

showing up on my doorstep

and calling me

amateur, Pepe Le pew?

I'm a big leaguer, goddammit.

I've been to battle with

guys like yaz and Fisk.

Twice the men you'll ever be.

And we know this.

This is why we very much want

you to join our pitching staff.

We play only 10 minutes

away from here.

Against who?

The local Kiwanis club?

Some very competitive teams

from nearby cities.

Uh, Verdun. Sorel.

Mascouche.

Mascouche.

Mascouche is nice.

Oh, yeah. Quebec city. Uh...

Trois-rivieres. Yeah. Great

team over in Trois-rivieres.

Great.

Does it pay anything?

Yeah. We may be able to

help with gas money. Maybe.

Yeah, okay, uh, you're

gonna have to speak

with my representatives

on this matter.

We happen to be in

the middle of a very heated

bidding w*r over

my services at the moment.

Yeah, we understand that.

Okay. This is just an open invitation.

Let's go.

Feel free to think it over.

Yeah, sorry, guys, I just

don't see this in the cards.

It's not you, it's me, trust me.

It's just timing.

No problem. We wish

you good luck always.

But hey,

say the stars were

to align for you boys,

how soon would you need me?

We have a game tomorrow night.

Could I hit cleanup?

You can hit anywhere

you want in the lineup.

Anywhere.

Just think about it,

but no pressure, huh?

All right, well, maybe I'll

stop by and say hello sometime.

Anytime.

Spaceman.

All right.

"To whom

it may concern..."

Oh, let me sign it.

I gotta sign it.

The truth is, I wasn't ready for

the damn beer leagues quite yet.

No disrespect, but I still

wanted to strike out Garvey,

not Jacques from accounting.

My brood and I sat down together

and sent letters to each of the

other 11 national league teams.

They were heartfelt and honest.

Now it was just

a matter of sitting back

and waiting to see which club

made the most attractive offer.

And like a good Buddhist, I intended to

stay entirely unattached to the results.

Hey.

What the...

Sully...

Sully, you c*cksucker.

What are you doing with my mail?

What are you doing?

Are you in on this?

I... no. I'm not in on nothing.

Where's the rest of my mail?

I'm delivering the mail.

You let go of my bag.

Give it to me. I'm a

government employee!

That's not yours.

So long, Sully.

See you tomorrow.

Okay!

- Hey, hey!

- What?

Pittsburgh!

What?

Pittsburgh.

Yep. You know, I always

wanted to live in Pittsburgh.

Really?

No, well...

You know, all right.

"Dear bill. Thank you

for your thoughtful letter.

"Indeed, we finished last

season in dead last place.

"Yes, our pitching staff

is in such dire shape

"that we don't know how we are

going to get through this season."

"However, we have enough problems

without adding you to the mix.

"We will not be requiring

your services at this time."

Hey, you know what?

f*ck those guys.

f*ck 'em.

We got a positive

mental attitude.

That's' the way

to survive, my friend.

Positive mental attitude.

Where are you going?

It's in overtime.

Here's one.

Why do Canadians

do it doggy style?

So they can both watch

the hockey game.

Hey, fellas.

Bill Lee.

Hmm.

So, uh, who do I speak to about

getting a Jersey around here?

Well, the equipment manager,

he'll be back in a sec.

He just ran out to

pick up the catering.

There's a Jersey and cap

in the garbage bag over there.

We supply our own pants,

shoe and well,

everything else.

Yeah, well,

I usually wear 37.

Not today.

Welcome.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

So, did you meet

some of the guys?

Yeah, it's a tough group.

Yeah.

So, where's

the rest of the team?

So far, we only have

eight today.

It is sometimes a challenge to

field with guys, unfortunately.

Oh, Christ.

Well, like I said, this is

a one night stand, so...

Yeah.

Any real fans coming to these

games or just local hobos?

Mostly hobos.

Nervous?

Ah... no. No.

Well...

You better start

warming up, big guy.

We're playing

new Brunswick tonight.

They are the league champions

three years running.

Oh, okay.

Hmm.

Thank you.

What are they saying?

Nothing good.

Basically, they would like nothing

more than to beat us to a bloody pulp

and then mount your head

on their wall for posterity.

Okay, I get it.

It's hunting season

and I'm the prized caribou.

The biggest rack.

Well, guess what?

I live for this sh*t.

Uh, I think you missed the exit for the

ice rink. This is baseball, frenchie.

All right, listen, I throw all kinds

of sh*t, so I hope you can keep up.

My bread and butter

is the off-speed stuff.

Sliders, curves,

the occasional eephus.

You with me?

Okay, don't ask for a fastball

because you ain't

getting it. All right?

There are only have so many silver

b*ll*ts left in the chamber

for guys like me and I sure as

f*ck ain't wasting them out here.

Got it?

Oh, Christ. Can somebody

please translate?

Hey.

Hey.

Let's start anew here. My name is

bill Lee, formerly of nos amours.

Joseph Cartwright,

formerly of El Detroit.

Oh, the tigers?

United auto workers.

Oh. So you transferred?

Uh, no, laid off. Married

a Quebecois woman and...

Here we are.

Oh, sh*t! Don't look now but I think I

just spotted a scout in the stands.

That ain't no damn scout.

Definitely is. I think I

recognize him from Minnesota.

Trust me. It's not.

How do you know?

That's my father-in-law.

Hi! Woman next to him is

my wife, unfortunately.

Hmm.

Oh, I could've swore I

recognized him from the majors.

Anyway, tell frenchie here

that it's gonna be

the third signal in the series.

No fastballs.

Just tell him to trust me,

I know what I'm doing here.

He says that he respects

that you're the big leaguer.

Oh...

Thank you.

f*cking ba*ls!

Yay!

Here.

Me, me, me...

Ugh... oh...

Strike!

And he's

mid-stroke, right?

And all of a sudden he hears

the husband come home.

It must have been summer Fridays

or something. I don't know.

Anyway, he finishes,

he grabs his clothes and

then he jumps out the window

buck naked, into a rose bush,

he's got thorns everywhere.

Goes on the fifteen day dl

and guess what the papers said?

What?

Tendonitis.

And it wasn't me.

I swear to god, it wasn't me.

I'm truly sorry

you're not interested

in continuing to play with us.

But you know, you're

always welcome back.

Well, thank you, Gino.

I appreciate that.

It's just that I got to figure out

which team I'm gonna be playing with.

I gotta sort out my family situation.

You know the deal.

Of course.

All right, boys,

I'll see you around.

Hey, hey, bill.

Hold up.

Hey, I want you to have this.

No, Joe.

That's your Jersey.

No, no.

You're 37.

I want you to have it.

I insist.

Hey, you might want

to give that a scrub, huh?

Maybe twice.

I appreciate it.

You take care.

Good luck.

Later, boys!

Bye, bye.

Yes, hi.

It's d*ck Dennis.

Uh, just following up again.

Yeah.

Well, just, uh,

let him know that I called.

And, uh, you know, we have to have

an answer by the end of the week,

or else we're left

with no choice,

we gotta move on down the list.

I know I said that last week,

but I mean it now.

I mean.

Just tell him

I called. Okay?

Really? We have a

symbiotic relationship.

You are a server.

I am a consumer.

If you do not serve,

I cannot consume,

and therefore, you throw

the delicate ecosystem

of our relationship

out of balance.

So another, s'il vous plait

I... I don't got

anymore of that.

Oh, but, did you see this? What?

A petition being circulated

by the YMCA

on bill's behalf, urging

the team to bring him back.

Hmm. Good.

Montreal is a good fall back.

Oh, so, you haven't heard?

Heard what?

Well, word's getting around they

already decided to give him a shot.

When?

When hell freezes over.

He's starting and hitting

cleanup.

I'm glad you find this funny.

It's just a man's life

you're talking about.

I'm not naming any names but I'm

telling you this is a reliable source.

People tell you funny things when

you're pouring their gin and tonics.

Montreal's

a non-starter?

It's not just here,

it's all of baseball, man.

Owners talk to each other.

He's 86'd.

He's blackballed.

Call it whatever

the f*ck you want.

He's done.

Bullshit!

Bullshit. I mean... Bill's a...

he's a, he's a veteran left-hander.

He's got four or five years

left in his arm.

You got to be kidding me.

I love bill, you know that.

He's one of my best customers.

But you know what,

he's not getting any younger.

He's walked off teams

in two countries,

and he's publicly said

he smokes dope.

Come on. Admit it,

the guy's a real liability.

Whatever bill does off the

field is bill's business.

Nobody else's.

He said in print that the

commissioner would be a rich man

if he fined everyone in

baseball who smoked grass.

You can't say things like that

without suffering consequences.

Well, it's the truth.

Besides, he meant it in jest.

You know bill, he's a joker.

It's like... He's shecky

Greene with a curveball.

Oh, really? Guess what. Yeah.

Owners don't want jokers, they don't

want jokes, they want profits.

Well, he puts asses

in the seats, fans love him.

If you are his friend,

you better tell him

he's got to stop

spinning his wheels.

Oh, I can't do that.

Why not?

It'd break his heart.

Bill Lee was born

to play baseball.

It's what he was meant to do.

It's his identity.

Help him find

a whole new identity.

And soon.

If he hears this from anybody,

he hears it from me. You got it?

Fine. He's all yours.

Just do it, all right?

Stop making those phone calls.

Come in.

Come in!

Oh, Dickie Dennis.

What's up?

Oh, you're in training, I see.

Can I get you something to drink?

You want coffee?

I don't want no coffee.

Something a little stronger?

Well, if you're

gonna have one, sure.

All right.

So what's up?

Ah, just... How's the letter

writing campaign going?

Well, it's going. It's going.

Yeah?

The lack of common courtesy

these days. I swear to god.

Hey, you know the best

thing about being single?

What's that?

You get to...

whenever you want.

Thanks for sharing, man.

Now, I, uh...

You know,

I've been thinking that

we need to start looking

at whole new avenues.

I mean, a fresh start.

I agree.

You do?

Absolutely.

Really?

Yep.

I think it's damn well time we

reach out to the American league.

Oh, that's not

what I had in mind, bill.

Hey, check this out.

So...

The grip I got for my new

slider, you see that?

Yeah?

I want you to keep

this between us,

but I would even consider

a minor league assignment.

Minor leagues? Oh, come on.

Temporarily...

Work my way back up to the show.

No.

I would do whatever it takes.

The spaceman is a big leaguer.

Big leaguers do not play

in the minor leagues.

You don't want to be known as

the guy who doesn't know when

it's time to leave the party.

Yeah, well, I threw nine innings the

other day and it felt pretty good.

For who?

It was, uh...

Senior team over in Longueuil.

Oh, f*ck, bill!

Are you serious?

Oh, what's the big deal?

What if the press

finds out about this, huh?

What? So, so what? It's

f*cking embarrassing!

What? Maybe not to you.

But it's embarrassing.

It reeks of desperation.

And there's no deodorant in the world

that will hide the smell for desperation.

I don't give a sh*t about

any of that stuff.

That is for the writers and

historians to worry about, not me.

I just wanna play ball.

Well, this is what I want.

I want to get you in a room

with a tape recorder

and a jigger of vodka and we're

gonna get your stories down.

We're gonna record them.

All of them.

And then I'll write it. You know.

Yeah. Of course, you will.

Well, I'm a writer, god damn it.

It has every element, every

element of a best seller.

We're gonna call it

the wrong stuff.

The wrong stuff?

You see, it's a... It's a takeoff on

that book about the astronauts...

No, no, no. I get it,

the tom Wolfe book.

Okay, listen to this,

I ain't ready to write

my memoirs yet, d*ck.

I'm ready to pitch.

To keep pitching

because that's what I do

and I do it damn well.

And I'm not desperate. I just want

to share my gift with the world.

Okay?

Now I'm gonna go shower, and

then we're gonna go get a drink.

Well, good. 'Cause I didn't

want to say anything

but the fart was

an improvement on the B.O.

I wasn't just gonna sit

around by the phone anymore.

I needed to get out

and be among the people.

My people.

You know, schmooze.

And when you're a pro athlete, fans

never let you buy your own drinks.

The trade-off

is answering

a hell of a lot of questions.

Bill.

Yeah?

You a, uh, you a religious man?

I'm a Roman catholic

Rastafarian zen Buddhist.

Hey, you hear about the Jewish guy who

converted to Catholicism? Yeah...

He gave up guilt for lent.

Hey, uh, hey, spaceman yeah?

You still get high?

I have always been in favor of

drug testing in sports. Yes.

Really?

Yeah, I like to test them all.

I don't know how

the hell you do it, man.

Everything in moderation.

Including moderation.

Keep it, keep it.

So, what other avenues we got?

Oh, I, uh...

Circling the bases.

Beautiful. What about Detroit?

Yeah.

Um, conference call

with them next week.

What do you think

about California?

I can absolutely deal with

living in socal again.

Can hang out with

my buddies from the eagles.

They've got

great grass out there.

We're gonna get you a place

inside Disneyland.

You can just walk over

to the ball park.

They'll love you there, there'll be

lines all the way out to the gate

for the bill Lee

space mountain man.

f*ck that, man. f*ck that.

Let's not talk about business.

Tonight is a night for a good time,

my friend. A good f*cking time.

All right, it works for me. A

body in motion stays in motion.

Basic physics.

Let's circulate.

Party, Einstein, party!

Somehow,

things eventually went

from bad to worse.

I even rented out my basement

to a drug dealer.

What? No, no, I'm good.

No, that's rent.

What? For a full month's

room and board? Really?

Yeah and that should

cover utilities.

Thank you, Gustavo.

Got it.

Hey, you got toilet paper?

Yeah, man.

I started partying harder

than ever to numb myself

and there was no shortage of

other degenerates to hang with.

Good morning.

Are you okay?

You okay?

Hey. How's, uh, how's my

favorite mother-in-law?

It's bill.

What does he want?

What is it, bill?

Great news.

I decided that it's time

to start playing ball again.

Hmm. L.A.? You always

loved the climate there.

No, it's actually a senior team just

across the river over in Longueuil.

Long what?

Longueuil.

Just across the river.

Oh. Oh, it's nice over there.

I just didn't realize they had a pro team.

They don't.

It's a g*dd*mn

geriatric league team.

But you know what,

it will help me stay sharp.

Do scouts come to these games?

You never know.

You know, I'm starting

tomorrow night's game,

thought maybe

you could bring the kids by,

watch their old man pitch again.

Oh, I don't know. You know,

they have so much homework.

It's tough during the week...

Well, I can pick 'em up

from school,

and I thought maybe

afterwards...

Maybe you and I could...

I really don't think

it's a good idea, bill.

They're just getting

used to the adjustment.

Maybe next time.

Look, if you really want

to spend more time with them,

Andy's been asking me all week if

you can come to one of his games.

He's pitching now.

They can bring their

homework to the ballpark,

all right, just, please.

Just bring 'em by.

Bill.

Yeah?

Good luck.

Thank god for my

buddies from Longueuil.

Because I probably would have

ended up just like Elvis...

Dead on the can

with my pants down

if they hadn't welcomed

me back to the ball club.

I knew this was a universe away from

even being in the minor leagues.

But at least it was baseball.

Well, sort of.

Hey, hey.

Whoa? Columbian?

Jamaican special blend.

And it ain't coffee.

Is this what I think it is?

Ganja resin straight from

the fields of Kingston, man.

Ooh...

Bullshit.

Only one way to find out.

You crazy, man? We have

a game in 20 minutes.

Perfect.

You're nuts, Lee.

Well, that very well

may be true, king.

Hey, you ever studied the Bible?

Maybe.

Well, it says that

on the sixth day

god created women, right?

Okay.

But on the seventh day,

he didn't rest.

He gave us this

wonderful game of baseball.

That's why there were so many

doubleheaders on Sundays, as a tribute.

But today, he gave us this

big old coffee can of ganja.

Man, I haven't gotten high

since college.

sh*t makes me paranoid.

Come on, Joe.

Who are we even playing today?

Sorel, they suck.

So do we.

Right.

Hey, guys.

Come on, seriously, come on.

We have to loosen up.

It's depressing out there!

Thinking is like death, okay?

They call it "playing

the game" for a reason.

And we've all been played

this game since we were kids.

That's a long, long time,

especially for Larry over there.

Babe Ruth was Larry's bat boy,

that's how old Larry is.

And we all know

how to play this game.

Okay, maybe some of us play a

little bit better than others,

sorry Claude.

But it's just muscle memory,

that's all.

Just muscle memory.

What we're really looking

for here is freedom.

Isn't that why

we play this game?

To run out to that emerald

green field and just be free?

Hell, yeah!

Look, Joe over here

just wants to be free of his

naggy-a*s wife for a few hours.

Isn't that right, Joe?

Pretty much.

Well, we're all looking

for freedom, boys.

Even if it's from our own minds.

Oh, yes. We do.

Today, boys,

we are going to free our

minds from our bodies

and let our instincts take over!

Today,

we are gonna pass the proverbial

peace pipe from man to man

and go out there, without

fear, into the sunshine

and just be free!

Now who's with me?

I'm gonna step into this office

and I'm gonna hot-box

that m*therf*cker.

Now, get in there.

Get in there! Get in there!

Come on, Joe.

Come on, Larry.

All right.

At the plate that day, I went seven

for eight with three home runs.

Every pitch thrown to me,

no matter how fast,

arrived at the plate like

a gentle little leaf.

I could literally count

the seams on the ball.

All I had to do was

catch it on the end of the bat

and serve it back

to the universe.

And in the outfield?

I felt no urgency whatsoever.

Take your time, Billy.

I'll wait for you to get

under me, my friend.

I love you.

But on the mound, that is

where I channeled the light.

I combined the sacrifice of Jesus

with the Patience of Buddha.

And then mixed in

the control of Sandy Koufax

just to get a little

Judaism in there.

I was Vishnu in

a polyester v-neck.

The batters tried to guess what

pitch I was thinking of throwing,

but they couldn't because

I'd ceased thought entirely.

With the magic beans keeping us

loose but percolating all season,

I'd led Longueuil

straight to the playoffs.

Forget about the chartered flights

and chauffeured team buses.

We drove ourselves to the games.

We played until it got too cold.

And then we played a bit more.

Of all the teams I'd been on,

this was...

Well, this was one of 'em.

And every game, I'd just hope

that my family would show up

even just once to watch me play.

Turns out that if I wanted to spend

quality time with my wife again

it would have to be in court.

Uh, Mr. Lee, despite the entertainment

value of your arguments,

this court hereby awards Mrs. Lee

full custody of the children.

What?

Full custody? Why?

Given the fact that you have rented your

basement to a known narcotics dealer...

this court herby forbids

any and all visitation

pending a visit from family

and children's services.

No visitation?

This court also awards Mrs. Lee the

duplex in Belmont, Massachusetts.

- The house in Bellingham, Washington.

- Jesus Christ!

Settle yourself, Mr. Lee.

We also awarded

Mrs. Lee the Jeep...

the BMW, all the furniture...

Yep. Sounds about right.

And the $150,000 remaining

in the joint bank account.

Great! Why don't you

just go ahead and take it all.

To Mr. Lee, we award

the Volkswagen Van with pop top.

It's a bus, not a Van.

The r*fle collection,

the Salvador Dali paintings,

and the remaining

subscriptions to

field and stream

and weed magazine.

High times magazine.

Then we are finished here.

Wait, can you please tell me what

I need to do to see my kids?

Mr. Lee, we're done.

No, I'm not going anywhere

until you tell me what I

need to do to see my kids.

For starters, you need to rid

your house of criminals.

And you need to

find gainful employment.

Look I'm trying.

I've written letters to every g*dd*mn

major league baseball team out there.

Mr. Lee.

You know, perhaps it's time for

you to find a new profession.

Thank you.

We're done.

Thank you, your honor.

Will you get

the next group ready?

No visitation, really?

I'm sorry.

All right, how about some guys, who

can actually hit and throw and catch?

Real baseball players.

Not just your friends.

Ooh, ooh, what about

Jimmy Lemond?

Mmm-mmm. No,

he works nights.

Uh, Louis Petit?

No, he, uh, bowling league.

Bowling?

Yep.

Bill, any suggestions?

Uh, I know Mike Schmidt.

Oh, he's your friend. You

think he may play with us?

No.

Uh, no.

No, thank you. Uh...

Yeah. Yeah.

Bill?

I got news!

All right.

Another round on me.

What is it, d*ck? Hey, you

comin' to the game on Sunday?

Uh, not likely.

I think that we may have found the proverbial

needle in the haystack, my friend.

Just got off the phone with

my buddy from San Francisco.

He owes me a favor.

And I have gotten you a tryout with San Fran

at their spring training facility in Phoenix.

When?

Uh, this Friday. There's

flights through New York.

Uh...

We've got a huge game

against new Brunswick on Sunday.

You got a huge game

against new Brunswick?

Yeah.

That's an oxymoron, bill.

There is no such thing as a

huge game against Brunswick.

Our prayers have been answered

and quite frankly I didn't think

there was a zero chance in hell

of it ever happening,

but it has happened.

And now, you're gonna pass it up

because you got

a beer league game

with this bunch of drunk jokers.

I guess you make

a pretty good point.

Damn right, I make a good point.

You can't replace

pine tar with fixodent.

And you need to get packing.

All right.

Well, I better hit the road.

Nice work.

Hey, guys, I better get going.

Okay, I'll see you on Sunday.

Done?

Yeah, I'm not gonna be

able to play on Sunday.

What?

I gotta get in the bus

and head out to Arizona.

I got a tryout

with San Francisco.

d*ck over here just set it up.

Oh, that's great.

Wait a minute. What about all the

crap you've been feeding us about

all the glitz and greed

and disloyalty at the major league level.

I know. I know.

That was just me

bullshitting me.

If I don't leave this town soon

I'm gonna end up bankrupt or dead.

Probably both.

He's going to go.

Well, man, do what you gotta do.

Hey, I love each and every one of you

guys like brothers. I mean that.

Okay?

I'll see you around.

I'll leave you tickets at

will call in San Francisco.

Hey, what about your tab?

Oh, yeah!

"Oh, yeah"?

"Oh, yeah," what?

Okay, you're on.

I'm puttin' him on you.

But I'm not payin' his tab.

Yes you are. Somebody is.

The hell no.

Nah.

Sucker!

You guys have been sitting here all day.

Someone's gotta pay it.

Hey, boys.

Hey.

Bill Lee.

Good to see you.

How you doin'? I'll see you in there.

Good, man.

For sure.

All right.

Bill Lee?

Hey, Bruce Lindsay.

How are you?

What in the holy f*ck

are you doing here?

I was told that I could try out.

By who?

My agent.

He said that he spoke

to the owner himself.

I didn't know retired

ballplayers had agents.

I ain't retired.

Okay? And I just drove here all

the g*dd*mn way from Quebec.

Now, are you gonna

let me throw or not?

You serious? You drove

here from Quebec?

Yep.

Why didn't you fly?

Because I enjoy the open road.

The wind in my hair.

Stones on the radio.

And I'm broke.

You are some piece of work, Lee.

All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll let you throw batting practice

today to the college kids.

Batting practice?

Bruce, I don't need your

g*dd*mn pity party. All right?

I do feel sorry for you, but...

You throw BP for a few days,

keep your nose clean and

we'll see what we can do.

Besides, this benefits us both.

Hitting off you will be

good for their confidence.

Can I at least get in uniform?

No, you're good.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

God, man!

sh*t, who is that?

That is Manny moss.

Ooh!

Whoo! Yeah!

What's my name, huh?

I think it's probably

"douchebag."

Maury moss' kid.

Sweetest g*dd*mn

swing I've ever seen.

His attitude's got

as much bite as his bat.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Goodness! Oh, my god!

Let me at him.

It's batting practice, bill.

I know.

Just batting practice.

Come on.

All right.

Go get him.

Jim! Come on out.

Whoo-hee!

Yeah! Yeah! Get out the

tape measures, baby!

Manny's putting on

a clinic today. Yeah.

Oh. Hey!

This is supposed to

be BP, old man river.

You wouldn't want to be

responsible for an injury

to a future hall of famer,

would you now?

Look, look, look.

Just do your job

and lay it in there

nice and easy.

Like a sweet kiss from

your old lady, huh?

Your old lady.

I ain't here to play

Patty cake, kiddo.

Go! Hey, who the

f*ck is this guy?

Okay, you want to

play like that?

Let's see what you've got.

That was nasty.

What the f*ck, man?

f*ck, man.

Whoa, easy.

What is this, man? Y'all trying

to get me hurt out here?

I'm about to pull a muscle!

What's he doin'?

What he knows how to do.

Compete.

Get him out of there.

What kind of stuff is this?

Supposed to be

spring training BP!

What the f*ck was that?

Oh, come on,

what do you want me to do?

Just lay'em up there for him?

Yes.

It's batting practice.

I can't have you comin' in here

and throwin' off

a young sluggers timing

with your grab bag of

monkey sh*t pitches, Lee!

Look, I'm sorry, all right.

I just wanted to

show you guys what

I still got in the tank.

How about next time

I just serve them up

like little Twinkies

on silver platters for you?

Oh, there's not gonna

be any next time.

We're committed to

a youth movement here.

So, uh, good luck, all of that.

I'm sorry you wasted your time.

If anything changes,

we'll let you know.

Yeah. Why don't you go...

No need to make a scene.

It's just business.

Uh-huh.

It's just business.

Where have I heard that before?

How do you feel about

the fact that we're about to

replace your insubordinate

over-the-hill a*s...

immediately from your contract.

This is a business, Lee!

Plain and simple,

it's a business!

f*ck' assholes!

Guess what?

Mr. Lee, you know, perhaps it's time

for you to find a new profession.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Sorry

about that, bill. Listen.

I respect your tenacity.

More of us do than you know.

We all know you play the

game for the right reasons.

Hey, you won 119

major league games.

I don't know whose daughter

you humped up in Montreal,

but somebody's got it

out for you big time.

Who does? Who doesn't

is the question.

You've been banned from the big

leagues, kid. Plain and simple.

Hey, you didn't hear it from me,

but Cleveland's looking for a minor

league pitching coach down in Tucson.

I told them you might show up

for an interview tomorrow.

A coaching job?

No, man, I don't want to coach.

I want to pitch.

I'm a pitcher.

- It's not gonna happen.

- That's life.

You know the game.

Go make a steady paycheck.

Teach what you know.

I appreciate the information.

You're one of

the good ones, Marv.

Thank you.

Okay.

Keep fighting the good fight.

All right, take care.

Hello.

Hey, honey.

What time is it?

Where are you?

I'm in Arizona.

Had a tryout with

San Francisco today.

Arizona? You did?

Well, that's great.

How did it go?

Well, I thought that

I did great but, uh,

apparently, they are committed to a youth

movement, whatever the hell that means.

How long are you gone?

I'm gonna be a while.

I got a lead on

something in Tucson.

Look, uh, can I please

speak to the kids?

They're all sleeping.

It's late here.

Call tomorrow. Okay?

Can I ask you

an honest question?

Of course.

Do you still love me?

Bill...

What is it? Because I'm not in

the majors anymore, is that it?

Is that really what you think?

I don't know.

Why don't you tell me?

I love you enough

to tell you the truth.

It'd be nice if you would

stick up for your kids

the way you stick up for your

team mates all the time.

Well, what about you?

What about us?

I'm not sure that things can be

salvaged between us

at this point.

But we can be friends.

The kids need that too.

But they need you here.

You've been on

the road for 14 years.

It's time to come home.

I'm going to bed.

Wait, wait, wait.

Good night.

Call them tomorrow.

Call...

You know the most frustrating

thing about ex-wives.

Sometimes they're

friggin' right.

Howdy, neighbors!

Passport? Vehicle registration?

Uh, right.

Let's see.

I could've sworn

I brought the darn thing.

They didn't ask for it on the us

side when I was coming through.

I thought Canadians were supposed

to be the friendly ones, eh?

If you don't have a passport or any ID,

you're gonna need to step out of the car.

Uh...

What have we got here?

He smelled something.

We can work this out.

I'm late for a baseball game.

Name's Lee. Bill Lee.

I'm a ball player.

I don't care if you're late

for your f*ck' wedding.

Get out of the car, now.

What have we got?

This guy's got no ID.

He says he's

a professional athlete.

Wants some special treatment.

And then there's this.

Really?

What hockey team you play for?

I'm a baseball player.

Oh.

Well, then you gotta

step out of the vehicle.

I wasn't looking for any

special treatment, fellas.

I'm just a friendly American.

Hell, if it were up to me there wouldn't be

any borders between these two countries.

Save the stump speech.

Wait a second.

Are you the spaceman, bill Lee?

Yes, sir.

William Francis ii.

Pleasure to meet you boys.

I saw you in high times.

Um... not that I read it.

Well...

But, man... boy, Montreal

f*cked you proper, bill. Yeah.

You've got brass ba*ls standing up

for little Rodney Scott like that.

Yeah.

Well.

Where you going?

Well, I've, uh, I've

actually been playing with

a great group of guys

over in Longueuil.

You know, I left them behind to

go try out for San Francisco,

which was a big f*ck' mistake.

Anyway, they got a game tonight

against a bunch of ugly

plumbers from new Brunswick,

and I'm just trying to

get back so I can pitch.

What the heck you playing

for Longueuil for?

They need me.

You heard the man. He's

got a ball game to pitch.

Go on. Get out of here.

All right. I'll just...

I'm gonna hang on

to the coffee, though.

Smells like pretty good sh*t.

Take care.

Go ahead. Go on.

Okay. Yeah, of course.

Look, I screwed up.

Even though I had

the best intentions.

But once I realized no major league

club would ever hire me again,

I didn't get angry.

I got defiant.

Screw those guys.

Who needs them?

The owners had done me a favor,

chucking me out of their sport.

Now I could travel the world searching

for the game in its purest form.

Hardball, softball,

wiffle ball, cricket.

Pay me in cash, pay me in

lager, don't pay me at all.

But I'll be there.

Ready to get guys out.

Good morning!

Hey!

I get invited to come and throw out

the first pitch a lot these days.

And I tell 'em, only if I can

throw out all the rest.

Bill "the spaceman" Lee!

I keep playing

because I have no choice.

I'm a ball player.

As Jim Bouton once said,

"you spend a good piece of

your life gripping a baseball.

"And in the end, it turns out that

it was the other way around."