(MultiCom Jingle)
(tense rock music)
- This is Tom Johnson,
coming at you almost live
on Glenview High TV.
Don't flick that remote,
'cause Major Tom is your pilot tonight,
getting you ready for a trip
into the strange, the unknown,
what I like to call Planet Tom, okay?
Let's hit it.
There he is, the man,
they myth, the accountant,
my dad, Roger Magic Numbers Johnson.
- [Roger] How many times
do I have to tell you.
- [Tom] Say something Dad.
- Turn that thing off.
- Guess who's been hand
picked to lead Glenview High
into the 21st century?
Starting tomorrow, yours
truly is the official
school veejay for the
whole summer session.
- Have you seen your sister?
- [Tom] No, I don't keep a leash on her.
- Sara's run off again.
- Rad, bonus points.
Not only do I get promoted
to the exultant rank
of school veejay, but I
might be out a sister.
Life is sweet.
- Tommy.
Don't ever talk about
your sister like that.
- That's it!
She's gonna be grounded to next summer.
- Roger, don't wince.
- In fact, the chances of
her ever seeing daylight
are slim to none.
- Relax, Roger.
I'll get it.
Maybe that's the missing mutant now.
Whoa.
The following program may contain scenes
inappropriate for viewers under 14.
- We have a Sara Johnson.
Claims she lives here.
- Duh, like I had you drive
me to a complete strangers.
- Sara, I was worried sick about you.
- Officers, the prisoner is escaping.
- Hey, kid, get that
camera out of my face.
- Police brutality captured live on tape.
- [Officer] I'm warning you.
- Hey, my camera.
You saw it here first.
We'll be with you as the story breaks.
- [Officer] Are you the girl's father?
- What did she do this time?
- Sir, it's serious.
We stopped her in a stolen car.
- What?
- We're going to Defcon Five here.
Dad is going ballistic.
- Chill out, Dad.
I wasn't driving.
- We arrested a Mr. Galvin Court
on charges of grand theft auto.
- We're in love,
something that none of
you know anything about.
- [Roger] Don't talk to
your parents that way.
- Hey, hey, hey, need my cuffs back.
- And a wonderful, heart
wrenching performance
by Sara Johnson.
Did someone say Oscar?
- Shut up Tom.
- [Roger] I wanna press charges.
I wanna throw the book at the creep.
- [Tom] Go Dad.
- Sir, your daughter is a minor.
- I'm talking about that
tattooed, tongue-pierced,
grunge-band, never did a day of work,
that lowlife you arrested and by the way,
I forbid you to ever see him again.
- I will see him whenever I want to.
- Mr. Johnson.
We're gonna release her into your custody,
if that's okay with you.
- When Major Tom promises
you action, he delivers.
- [Sara] I hate you, Tom.
I hate you all.
- You'll get over it.
You are living under my roof.
You live by my rules.
- Yeah, well Galvin and
I are moving to New York
and I'm gonna be on Club MTV.
- No, no, no.
No daughter of mine is going
to dance on television.
- I'm almost 17 Dad.
You can't stop me.
- [Roger] Just watch me.
- The challenge has been issued.
- Keep pushing my buttons
and see what happens.
- And Dad responds will
a brilliant rebuttal.
- [Sara] Do your worst.
See if I care!
- And it's over, it's all over.
Dad has won this ongoing struggle
between man and beast.
Let's see if I can get a
few words with the Dadster.
How does it feel, champ?
(Roger growls)
Okay, okay.
- Melinda, pack our bags.
I'm going to do something
I should have done a long time ago.
I've heard enough.
- What do you think will happen
to your opponent now Roger?
Reform school?
- I've heard enough.
- Minimum security prison?
- [Roger] You too, pack your bags.
- [Tom] What do you mean,
I didn't do anything.
- Tough luck.
We are going on a family vacation.
- Is that a bad joke?
My life has just ended.
(upbeat music)
Family vacation.
Not since the Black Death swept
across Europe have two
words held such terror.
- [Roger] Hand me the tent.
- I'm being punished for
a crime I didn't commit.
Are you listening, if I'm not there today,
they're gonna give my
veejay spot to Brian Borden.
You know what that'll do to my career?
- You are 13 years old.
You don't have a career.
- [Tom] Oh, the humanity!
- Get used to it.
I suffer every day of my life.
- How I cherish these
father and son talks.
- Here, put some on.
- Ma, no, no.
- You're gonna peel.
- No, I won't, no.
- [Melinda] Listen, please, Tommy.
- [Roger And Tom] You're not going
out of the house dressed like that.
- [Tom And Sara] Watch me.
- [Roger And Tom] Put on something decent.
- [Tom And Sara] This is my life
and I'm gonna live it the way I want.
Mom, tell him to stop
repeating everything I say.
Oh, you're infuriating.
- [Melinda] Tommy.
- Get in the car.
(Melinda groans)
(upbeat music)
Get in the car.
(upbeat music)
- Day one of the family trip.
- If anything should happen to me,
I want all my worldly
possessions to go to Galvin.
- [Tom] That's nice.
- [Tom And Sara] Dad, keep
your eyes on the road!
- Dad, Dad, watch the road!
- Get off my camera!
- Dad!
- Watch the road!
(upbeat music)
Day three of the epic journey.
Just like two and one, it sucked.
More boring sites, watching crops grow.
Dad puked, but I got it on tape.
- Galvin, Galvin, Galvin.
I love him, I love him, I love him.
- Hey, get off this camera.
How many times have I told you?
- Dad watch it!
- This is an expensive piece of machinery,
which you're not qualified to operate.
- Dad, watch the road, would you?
I love you Galvin.
(upbeat music)
- Yesterday was the worst.
Food poisoning at the mini golf course.
I don't know how much
longer I can take this.
The reason for my incarceration
is still unclear to me.
Check off one of the three.
One, I committed crimes against humanity.
Two, I'm a victim of evil conspiracy,
or three, my genetically mutated sister
had an inappropriate relationship
with America's most stupid criminal.
- You know something, Tom?
You don't exist.
He doesn't exist and she doesn't exist.
This car doesn't exist
and this whole stupid
vacation doesn't exist.
- Ooh, help Daddy.
The mean space monster's scaring me.
- You know, there was
one point when I actually
thought that you were human.
- Stop fighting, stop it.
- [Sara] I can't handle you.
(dramatic music)
- [Melinda] Where are we?
- [Tom] Good question.
- Fantastic.
All right, everybody out.
- You're joking, right?
There's nothing to do here.
- Contraire, Tommy.
Oh, this is a rich slice
of American history.
- That's right.
If you're extra lucky,
we can fit in the museum before dinner.
- Yeah well, I think
I'll just hang out here,
all right Dad?
- [Roger] I don't think so.
Go on, go on and keep
an eye on your sister.
- Great, now they've got the prisoners
guarding the prisoners.
(western style music)
Hey.
- Leave me alone.
- [Tom] Can't, I'm your parole officer.
- I can't stand you.
- That's cool.
Wow.
This place is kinda cool.
Never been in a ghost town before.
- Yeah, I'm real thrilled.
(western style music)
- Sara, check this out.
The chick in the picture
looks just like you.
- Yeah, whatever.
- [Tom] No, really, she could
be your double or something.
- Listen, I'm gonna go to
the bathroom or something.
- Don't need my permission.
Sara.
(dramatic music)
Sara.
(Sara grunting)
- Leave me alone.
- Trust me,
- (groans) Stop it!
- if I'm in this, then you're in this.
I'm not spending three weeks alone
in the car with Mom and Dad.
- Look, I've got 150 bucks.
I was saving it for the trip back,
but I'll give it to you if you let me go.
- What are you on?
It's a desert out there.
How are you planning on
getting back to civilization?
- I'll hitchhike.
Is it a deal?
- No way.
- Then you're out 150 bucks.
(dramatic music)
(thudding)
(groaning)
- Ow.
- Serves you right.
- Quit being a dork and give me a hand.
Ow, Tom, that really hurts.
- [Tom] There.
Hey.
There's something down here.
- Who cares?
It's probably some sort of
old-fashioned cowboy thing.
- [Tom] Well, there's a button on it.
I wonder what happens
if I press this button.
(room whooshing)
Hey, what happened to
the hole in the floor?
(people chattering)
(dramatic music)
- I coulda sworn I locked that door.
(dramatic music)
How'd you two get in here?
I asked you two a question.
You gonna keep me standin' here all day?
- Excuse me, Lone Ranger,
but I think I outgrew
these lame western shows
when I was, like, five.
- Miss, it ain't polite to talk back
to your elders like that.
- [Sara] Yeah, right.
- My sister's missing some chromosomes.
She didn't mean to offend you, sir.
We best be on our way.
(dramatic music)
- Ugh, who does he think he is?
- I don't know, but this
place is giving a bad feeling.
- Shut up Tom.
I've enough of you for a lifetime.
- No really, there's
something very wrong here.
- So, it's one of those
wild west shows, big deal.
- Five minutes ago this
place was a ghost town.
- Look, Mom and Dad are nowhere in sight
and I'm outta here.
- I don't think you have
to worry about Mom and Dad.
- [Sara] And why not?
- Excuse me, mister,
what's the date today?
- It's July one, 1880.
- The button I pushed
sent us back in time.
This is the wild west.
I'll be 124 at my prom.
- Look, you're talking crazy.
I can go call a cab and
get us out of this dump.
- Did you take stupid pills for breakfast?
There are no phones, no
lights, no motorcars.
No Mickey D's, not a single luxury.
No TV.
This is Gilligan's Island meets
a Mr. Schuster's American history class.
- There is no way you and I
are from the same gene pool.
- You lost, sweetie?
- We can take care of ourselves, thanks.
(tense music)
- [Pook] Don't appear that way to me.
- Look, count yourselves lucky
I don't have mace with me.
- I don't recall no Mace
and I know everyone around these parts.
- Yeah, okay.
(dramatic music)
- Aw heck, we was just havin' some fun.
I got an idea.
How 'bout you give me a kiss, Amiga.
- Drop dead, creep.
- Hey back off, you pea brain.
That's my sister.
(dramatic music)
- Hey.
- Now where was I?
Oh, yeah.
Little lady gonna me a kiss.
(mouth slurping)
(dramatic music)
(thudding)
(grunting)
(upbbeat music)
- Yeah, okay (laughing).
(upbeat music)
Waited a long time for this, Johnny Coyle.
(upbeat music)
(dramatic music)
- Aw, heck.
Didn't they teach you in school not
to bring a knife for the g*n fight?
Oh, I forgot.
You never set foot inside a school.
- Johnny Coyle.
You're gonna get a b*llet in you one day.
- Oh, yeah?
If it's coming from you, I
bet it's gonna be in my back.
- [Bob] Pook, let's go.
(dramatic music)
- [Johnny] Johnny Coyle.
(gentle music)
- Sara Johnson and do you think
I could have my hand back?
Please.
- That was really awesome.
- Not big a deal.
Those two, they're nothing
but rotten poachers
with no respect for living
creatures or the law.
How you doin'?
- Okay I guess.
- You did mighty good for
someone that took on two poachers
without havin' the drop on them, or a g*n.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- We were doing just
fine ourselves you know,
we didn't need your help.
- Don't expect any thanks from Sara,
this is a regular day
at high school for her.
- Okay, mutant brother,
bonding time is over let's go.
- [Johnny] You two have a place to stay.
- No, not yet.
- Well I live with my Ma, up on the ridge.
I'm offerin' you a place
to stay if you'd like.
- You bet, I'm in.
What about it Miss Missing Link.
- Whatever.
- Great.
My wagon's just around the corner.
Best be goin' it'll be dark soon.
(dramatic music)
(Sara sighs)
C'mon Bessy, yah!
(dramatic music)
(eerie music)
(spaceship whooshing)
(eerie music)
(spaceship whistling)
(dramatic music)
The ranch is no palace but we built it
with our own two hands
and nobody owns it but us.
- We?
- Yeah, me and Ma.
It's just been the two
of us since Pa died.
I got to warn ya, she's a little cagey
on account we never get any company.
But she'll warm to you all.
Yeah, it's been pretty hard without Pa--
(spaceship whooshing)
(dramatic music)
What was that!
- A UFO!
- A what!
(dramatic music)
Let's get out of here!
Ya!
(dramatic music)
- Yeah, if you weren't such
a yellow bellied coward,
we'd of had that Johnny Coyle.
And don't bother denying it.
(quirky music)
That bag open.
Got us a varmint.
(quirky music)
(eerie music)
What in, what in blue blazes!
(dramatic music)
Huh.
Strange weather.
C'mon, let's check them other traps.
(eerie music)
(dramatic music)
- What was all that mumbo jumbo
about time travel and flyin' saucers?
- UFOs, Attack of the
Martians, The Roswell Incident?
Hello?
- It was probably the air force testing
some new kind of airplane that crashed.
We'll hear about it on
the news in the morning.
- Airplane?
- I forgot for a second your IQ
and your shoe size are the same.
Final Jeopardy score for Sara is zero.
Airplanes won't be invented
for another 30 years.
It was a UFO.
- Whatever.
IQs don't come in half sizes.
(dramatic music)
- Johnny, glad you're home boy.
I've been hearin' some strange noises
and I thought maybe
somethin' happened to ya.
- Nothin' can put a scratch on me, Ma.
I'm made of the same stuff
as you, rocks and tumbleweed.
(gentle music)
Ma, these are my new
friends, Tom and Sara.
And they're lost from their parents.
- Uh huh.
- I was thinking, they might stay with us.
If that's okay with you.
- Well, can't afford to
take on no freeloaders.
You kids will have to do your
chores, same as anyone else.
- Well I can load the
dishwasher and do the vacuuming.
- I know how to make spaghetti
sauce in the microwave.
(dramatic music)
- Well, you boys can
start by haulin' water
and the girl can help me with supper.
Now go on.
- [Johnny] I knew you'd do 'em right, Ma.
- {Elizabeth] Oh git.
And I don't, I don't know what
to do with city kids these days.
(gentle western style music)
- [Johnny] Ma made a special meal tonight.
- [Sara] Oh yes, it's something special.
- If it's okay,
I'd like to check out
the crash site tomorrow.
- You kids, always chasin' after rainbows.
Probably weren't nothing
more than a shootin' star.
- Wasn't no shootin' star.
It was like a wagon wheel
or somethin', but big.
Tom calls it a UF,
- O.
- O.
- Ain't never heard of nothin'
like that in these parts.
- Well I'm pretty sure
it's not from around here.
(dramatic music)
- Oh will you look at that!
Trap broke up.
Who do you think done that.
I reckon this bein' Coyle land,
one or more of the Coyle's responsible.
I wouldn't want to mess
with that Ruth Coyle.
I hear tell she got one
heck of a mean spell.
Doesn't matter,
this patch of land is pretty
much trapped out anyways.
Oh!
(creature moaning)
Hold on now Pook.
Hold on now Pook!
You ain't thinkin' clear, look,
he's caught in the dang trap.
I'll bet you think that's
a coyote now, don't ya.
You blame stupid dumb stupid,
that ain't no coyote, that's
a, that's a, that's a bear.
I don't know what that is.
We got a big mess of rope back at camp,
let's go fetch it, catch
ourselves a, a, coyobear.
(both laughing)
(creature moaning)
(dramatic music)
- You should have seen it Ma.
- You been fightin' again?
- Now, Ma.
- You want to end up like your Pa?
Shot in the back on account
of some no good poker game,
you just keep this up Johnny Coyle.
- But Ma!
- Don't you but Ma, me.
Now I already lost one man, I
ain't lookin' to lose another.
I got to have--
- Excuse me.
Any chance someone delivers Chinese food?
(dramatic music)
- Pardon me?
Now if you don't like the food, get.
- [Tom And Sarah] It's great, really.
(creature moaning)
(men grunting)
- That's one mean critter, Pook.
But we got him good.
I know what you're thinkin'.
Now that we got this critter,
how we gonna use him to make us rich.
(laughing)
Well I've been givin'
that some consideration.
I ain't figured it 100%,
but don't you worry none.
I know just the man to see.
(dramatic music)
Let's get this critter in town.
C'mon.
(creature moaning)
Critter.
Heh.
Make us some money.
(dramatic music)
(upbeat music)
- (sighs) Guess you think
I'm pretty lame huh,
cant' take care of myself,
can't do the chores,
not much good for anything.
- No you've got something special Sara.
Most people around here, they
have a dead look in their eye.
Your eyes sparkle.
I bet there's lots of
things you're good at.
- Oh, psychic.
Now you know everything about me, huh.
- What?
Hold on!
I didn't mean no offense.
- Let me give you some advice.
Sara's used to dating escaped
convicts and lunatics.
It's nothing to do with you,
she just doesn't go for nice guys.
- Huh.
- I know what you're thinkin'
under that tough exterior she's
really a sweet simple girl.
But the truth is, under
that tough exterior,
she's a $5,000 nose job
with the IQ of a gerbil.
You haven't heard a
word I've said have you.
- Huh?
- Earth to Johnny, are you receiving?
Nope.
Didn't think so.
(upbeat music)
- [Johnny] Sara, hold on!
(dramatic music)
- What are we doing here anyway.
- Looking for a crash site.
Pretty sure that thing
that came down last night was a spaceship.
- Spare me another one of
your dumb sci-fi stories Tom.
- Well whatever it is,
I think it has something
to do with why we're here.
- That wagon wheel thing
you saw last night,
came down right behind the bluff.
- It's got to be around here somewhere.
(dramatic music)
- Looks like it was struck by lightning.
- No this is a fresh fall,
and there's been no lightning all summer.
(dramatic music)
- I think I see something.
(dramatic music)
(eerie music)
- What the heck is that!
- Wow.
- Another one of my
dumb sci-fi stories huh.
- [Sara] This is unbelievable.
- [Tom] Man, why didn't
I bring my video camera.
- What is it?
- How can I explain this
to someone who's never seen a
single episode of Star Trek.
Johnny, this is a boat for outer space.
- Oh, you mean like those new ironclads.
- Okay, this is gonna be
tougher than I thought.
(dramatic eerie music)
- There ain't no door in.
- [Tom] There's gotta be a way in.
(dramatic eerie music)
(spaceship whirring)
- Tom, what are you doing!
- Be careful!
(eerie dramatic music)
(spaceship whirring)
- What are we waiting for?
Let's go inside.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second,
there is no way I'm going in there.
What if there's some
vicious k*ller alien inside.
- I'll take care of anything vicious.
- That's great Johnny, but
I'm still not going in there.
- Suit yourself, of course
if the vicious k*ller alien's
out here, you're toast.
Have a nice day.
(dramatic eerie music)
(spaceship whirring)
- Excellent point.
(spaceship whirring)
(footsteps clicking)
Johnny.
(Sara whistling)
Wow, look at this place.
(dramatic music)
- What do you call that?
- Never seen anything like it.
Hey don't touch that!
(dramatic eerie whirring)
(Johnny coughing)
- Dang, it smells like rotten eggs.
- It's sulfur, must be
what the aliens breathe.
Hey look!
It's the time machine that
we found in the ghost town.
- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.
These aliens have something
to do with why we're here.
- [Sara] Sure, why would aliens want
to bring me and my geek
brother back in time.
- Maybe one of these rooms
can give up some answers.
Let's split up and explore.
- Uh uh, I'm not going anywhere by myself.
(dramatic music)
Guys.
(dramatic music)
Guys!
(dramatic music)
(machines whirring)
(dramatic music)
Guys!
Hello!
This isn't funny!
(dramatic music)
Oh where are you!
(Sara screaming)
(dramatic music)
(creature screaming)
(dramatic music)
- What's the matter,
running low on moisturizer?
Your roots starting to show?
- Monster, big fangs,
(hisses) eats people.
(dramatic music)
(Sara screeches)
- Yes, I knew it!
Aliens exist.
(creature muttering)
- Sure ain't no monster though.
- Well I thought he
looked kind of dangerous.
- What's the little fur ball
gonna do, give you allergies.
- Poor critter's scareder
of you than you are of him.
- He is kind of cute.
(creature muttering)
- [creature] What you.
What you?
Where Mother, where?
- [Tom] Where's it coming from?
- [Creature] Me talk.
I hear.
I hear you.
Machine makes voice.
Him.
Understand?
- What the devil is that?
- It's a talking machine,
you know like your CD-ROM,
I mean like a gramophone.
- A gramophone?
You sure are smart as a whip, Tom.
- [Creature] You speak, I hear.
Understand.
I speak, you hear.
Understand.
I tell my way, machine makes
voice, please, please, no hurt.
- We won't hurt you.
Can you tell us where you come from?
- [Creatures] My people
called the Sulkies,
come from different world.
Trojana, far away.
Do not know how to go home.
- Poor little guy, he's lost.
- Do not know how to make
ship shape this ship,
sky ship how to make sky ship work.
- Then how'd you get
here in the first place?
- [Creature] Mother bring.
- I understand, he's a baby.
- [Creature] Mother take out,
goes out during night does not come back.
Where is Mother.
Out maybe for 23 interval time unit hours.
23 hours.
No air, life cycle runs.
- What do you mean takes air?
- [Creature] Our air.
Look, see.
Look.
- I don't understand.
- See these aliens, these Sulkies,
they come from a different world.
A different planet.
And where they come from
they breathe that sulfur gas,
and it's poison to us and
our air's poison to them.
And she only has enough for 23 hours.
- Now less.
15 hours, Mother leave, no return.
- Well what happens
when his mother runs out
of that sulfur air?
- She'll suffocate.
Unless we can find her in time.
- We don't even know what happened to her.
- Me show.
(machine whirring)
(Johnny gasp)
- Oh cool, not bad.
Hey it's those poachers.
(creature moaning)
- [Creature] I frightened.
Scared.
- They must be bringing her to town.
- [Creature] I miss Mama, I miss.
- We have to save her.
- What about him?
- Well we can't just keep the baby here.
We can hide him in your barn.
- Then we got to kick some
butt and save his mom.
- C'mon.
- These two must have
been a handful at home.
(dramatic music)
- Johnny get your friends
now, we're headin' into town.
- Sure Ma.
(gentle music)
- There, you should be safe
until we find your mother.
- Thank you both.
- [Johnny] Hurry up, we got to go to town.
- By the way, do you have a name.
- Name, Yes, name Jiffyvawa Zudo.
- Uh, mind if I call you Jiffy for short?
- [Jiffy] Jiffy, good name.
- Okay, well be quiet now Jiffy,
'cause we've got to go to
town, but we'll be back soon.
- Can you explain to me
why we're not telling
your mom about the alien?
- Are you crazy?
Ma got one look at that
thing she'd blast it
before you could say Jack Sprat.
It's gotta be this way for now.
You understand don't ya.
- Try sign language.
- Very funny, Tom, let's go.
(dramatic music)
- Here, let me help you down.
- I can do it myself,
thanks.
You're, uh, you're strong.
- You don't weigh much.
(gentle music)
- [Elizabeth] Let's go!
- I think I'm gonna puke.
(dramatic music)
- Ya!
Let's go.
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(people chattering)
- You want to know what
that thing was last night?
- Yeah.
- You look to old legends.
Wheels within wheels full of eyes.
- Oh heck, what's that supposed to mean?
- It means it's a sign.
Signs come in mysterious ways.
- Wh, wh, what kind of signs?
- The end of the world.
- Whoa, go on!
- You know so much about it?
You tell everyone what that thing was.
'Cause it sure ain't a sh**ting star.
- No, no, it weren't no sh**ting star.
- Well I' ain't never
seen nothin' like it.
Just about scared the pants off of me.
- You should be scared.
We all should be.
These kinds of signs
mark the end of the days.
Suddenly, nobody's scoffing.
(dramatic music)
- Thank you son.
I won't be long now.
- [Johnny] All right Ma.
(dramatic music)
- C'mon, let's find the Sheriff.
- Sheriff Cane?
I'm not sure, maybe we should
keep this to ourselves huh.
- It's not like we don't have proof,
we have a whole spaceship full.
There he is.
(bell ringing)
- Hello Sheriff.
- Well, well Johnny.
I reckon I seen your
friends around someplace.
- Well it was probably
at the last rave party.
- Huh?
- This is Sara Johnson
and her brother Tom.
- What can I do for you Johnny.
- Sheriff we need your help.
Can we talk?
- I, uh, yeah, come on in.
(dramatic music)
- [Johnny] So we took the critter home
and locked him in the barn.
You gotta believe us Sheriff.
- I know this sounds like the cover
of the National Enquirer Sheriff,
we've got all the proof in the world.
- Look Sheriff, I'd
rather live for two months
without MTV than agree with my brother.
But for the first time in human history,
he's telling the truth.
- And you say your Ma don't
know nothing about this?
- Well, there's no sense troublin' her
about this until she has to be.
Sides she's got enough
to worry about as it is.
- Ah ha (laughing), well sh**t,
this is the darnedest thing
I've ever heard tell of.
- We're talking major media
coverage, CNN, talk shows,
a six-figure advance on the book rights,
three picture deal, Sheriff
Cane action figures.
And if you act now,
we'll throw in this handsome
digital wristwatch valued
at $29.99 for absolutely free.
Operators are standing
by to take your call.
(Cane scoffs)
- Trouble is, swearin' a thing true
and it bein' true ain't
necessarily the same thing.
Still everybody saw that
thing comin' down last night.
- We can take care of
it ourselves Sheriff.
Tom, Sarah, Ma's probably lookin' for us.
- Sorry Sheriff, you snooze you lose,
but you will be going home
with lots of nice prizes,
contestants on Tom's Wild West Show
will receive a lifetime supply of manure.
- Now hold, I ain't finished.
Okeydokey.
Here's what I'll do.
I got to finish up a
little work around here,
shouldn't take me long
and then I'll ride out
and have a look at whatever
you got in your barn.
If it is what you say,
I'll do what I can to find the big un'.
- His mother.
(Cane laughing)
- Have it your own way Missy.
Well you best get goin'
and find your Ma boy.
- Thanks Sheriff.
Thanks from Lassie and John
Boy and all the kinfolk
and I hope you cut back on the nicotine,
get some English lessons and
increase your fiber intake.
Keep riding tall in that saddle, Marshall
- [Man] Get out of the street there.
- [Man] I said so.
Help your mother.
(people chattering)
(dramatic music)
(Jiffy's Mother moaning)
- Never mind the beans Pook.
Got any word from that circus feller?
- Yeah, I got myself a
little telegram here.
Here it is.
(dramatic music)
(Jiffy's Mother moaning)
From George Flatwell,
Secretary to P.T. Barnum
To Sheriff Robert P. Cane,
I am sending my agent Ben
Small to you soonest, stop.
If exhibit is alive and as described,
he is authorized to pay you
the purchase price of $10,000.
Stop.
- $10,000.
sh**t that's more than
they got for Billy the Kid!
- Yeah, it's a tidy sum.
But we got a problem.
There's that word in there, alive.
- Well now where's the problem,
that thing don't look no worse for wear.
- I just had me a little
talk with the Coyle boy
and he told me a few
things I did not know.
Seems though, this one here
might not last much beyond tonight.
Now, if this critter
would give up the ghost
before Small got here,
that would be one darn stinkin' shame.
- Aw, sh**t now, what
can we do about that.
- You and Pook are gonna
ride on to the Coyle place
'cause this one here (laughing)
this is ain't the only
one currently residing
in these parts.
It's got a young'un and the
Coyle boy's got it in his barn.
Now if we're lucky, we'll
be able to sell 'em both.
Worse comes to worse, this one
dies before Small gets here,
we'll have the young'un still alive.
Yep, you two best get movin'.
Go on, get movin'.
- Let's go Pook.
(JIffy's Mother moaning)
(dramatic music)
- Oh, oh Sheriff, I was just wonderin',
(dramatic music)
(man screaming)
- Now hold on there Mac, hold on!
(Mac screaming)
Dang it!
Now it will be all over town!
(dramatic music)
You two blockheads get
movin', get, get, get!
(dramatic music)
- Johnny, you look after the horse,
city kids can unload the buckboard.
- [Johnny] Yes, Ma.
(dramatic music)
(Jiffy moaning)
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Jiffy, you still up there?
- Where would Jiffy be?
- [Johnny] How's he doing?
- Mother's lung cycle ends eight hour.
Where is mother?
Jiffy sad, lonely.
- What are you doin' up there!
Don't tell me you're stackin' hay.
- [Johnny] No Ma, I'm plannin'
to rob the three o'clock
train with my two accomplices.
- [Elizabeth] Don't you talk back to me!
- If she keeps screechin' at me like that,
I'm gonna have to move to Texas
just to get out of earshot.
- You up there with that city girl!
Johnny!
(gasps)
- Keep still now, will ya.
- What are you--
- Hush up.
Come down out of there.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] It's dumb and
dumber from last night.
- [Johnny] They've got Ma.
- I know you.
You're Pook, you're Bloody Bob McCoy,
what do you two varmints
think you're doing here!
- Hush up now.
You don't want nothing bad
to happen, now c'mon down.
- You hurt my Johnny and I swear, I--
- I ain't gonna do nothin'
you don't make me do.
Now you tell 'em, c'mon down, right now!
- C'mon down.
- Johnny first.
(dramatic music)
Make it slow.
(dramatic music)
Go on over there, go on.
(dramatic music)
What you got in your hand boy.
- It's nothing.
- Get rid of it.
Go on over with the others.
- I have to warn you.
I am a black belt in karate,
these hands are licensed
with the government as lethal weapons.
Kia step one.
- Quit stallin', now move it.
(dramatic music)
Reckon that critter's up there?
Wouldn't be at all surprised.
Right.
I'll watch Johnny and the widow women,
you go on up and take a look.
(dramatic music)
Go on now, what you scared of?
(dramatic music)
Oh, Pook!
C'mere boy.
Where's it at.
- Where's what?
- Oh well let me see if I can remind ya.
One real mean coyobear stands
on two legs like a man with a fortune.
You got it tucked away
somewhere's in this barn.
Now where's it at.
- But how did you know about?
He told you.
The Sheriff, you couldn't
have known any other way.
- Johnny, what's he talkin' about.
- Just talkin' about a nasty critter
the city boy's been keepin'.
Now you listen boy,
'cause I can ask you once.
Where's it at.
- [Jiffy] Mother, Mother, where's Mother?
(g*ns firing)
- Hiya!
(men grunting)
- All right you two skunks,
on your feet and get your hands up now.
Where do you think you're goin'?
Back over there.
Right.
You two city kids, I don't
know what you're doin'
or what you're mixed up in,
but I want you where I can see you all.
(dramatic music)
- [Johnny] Ma, you got it all wrong.
- Be quiet now Johnny.
You in there.
Come out with your hands up, now move it.
- [Johnny] Ma, you don't understand.
(dramatic music)
- Johnny, get out of there.
(dramatic music)
- There's nobody there.
It came out of this.
- What are you talkin' about.
- [Jiffy] Why feel anger,
threat, why hurt k*ll machines?
- What the?
- It's a talkin' machine.
- sh**t, that'll be
worth a few dollars too.
- [Elizabeth] Quiet you two!
Now Johnny, I want you
to explain this to me--
(Jiffy moaning)
- No!
- Johnny!
Johnny!
- C'mon Ma.
Ma, you got to trust me.
It's just a young'un and it's lost
now don't you go shootin' it!
- Heck b*ll*ts won't hurt it nohow.
- Johnny, get away from that critter.
- Ma, it's not a critter.
It came down in that
thing we saw last night.
- We found him.
He's an alien.
- He's a Sulkie from the Trojana system.
- [Elizabeth] Sulkie,
what are two on about.
- That wheel in the sky,
it's a kind of flying ship
and where it comes from all
the folks look like this.
- Folks.
- [Tom] And we need to find
his mother or she'll die.
(dramatic music)
- [Jiffy] My mother.
Jiffy scared.
- Sh.
- Don't you see the voice is his,
only he can't make it sound like ours,
so that box makes it
so we can understand one another, get it?
Don't feel to bad, my mom
can't even program the VCR.
- I was with them Ma.
It's all true, the ship is out there,
over by the bluff and we found
the little one inside it.
- I don't understand one bit of this!
- These two took his Ma.
- [Jiffy] Mother.
- Maybe we ought to talk to the Sheriff.
- No, anyone but the Sheriff.
We told Cane the whole story
when we went into town,
and then these two show up,
knowin' just where to
look for the young'un.
- [Jiffy] Where mother?
Air gone soon.
- Man that thing's just plain uncanny.
- You hush up.
- [Tom] By the time we
get through to G.I. Mom,
Jiffy's gonna be an orphan.
- You hush up too.
- That's right city kid, you
speak when you're spoken too.
Uh, not now Ma'am.
- Back there.
- Yes Ma'am, uh, right, now Ma'am,
I just want to make it clear
that we wasn't plannin' on hurtin' you
or your sweet little boy.
Fact of the matter is, well,
the fact of the matter is,
the Sheriff done sent us
here lookin' for that thing.
(Jiffy moans)
See now we got the other
one locked up, oh sh**t!
It near k*lled poor Pook
here, ain't that right Pook.
You best get your kids
clear of that thing.
I mean just look at it.
- [Jiffy] Please, help Jiffy.
- That city kid, he's
got your boy hoodwinked.
I 'll betcha he's thrown his voice,
like once them, them voice throwers.
Ma'am, I swear on my Mother's
life, I am not lyin' to you,
now that animal it's dangerous,
it should be behind bars.
Now who you gonna believe,
us or some mealy mouthed city kid.
(dramatic music)
- You get back.
I'm warnin' ya.
- You're makin' a mistake Ma'am.
Them things is vicious.
- [Elizabeth] The only thing vicious
around here right now is you two.
- Whatcha gonna do.
- None of your business.
Now I ain't quite got my mind firm
around what's goin' on around
here, but I know my kin.
- Yes!
- The scene is emotional
here at the Coyle ranch.
- Lifecycle ends.
- You got to figure a way
to get his Ma back to the sky ship.
- I wouldn't trust these
two, not even tied up.
- Why don't you sh**t them.
- Now don't you go givin' her ideas.
- Hush up!
- Yes Ma'am.
- I ain't rightly figured out
whether I'm gonna sh**t you or not.
(quirky music)
- I'll watch these two,
you take the critter in the buckboard.
(Jiffy moaning)
- Yes.
- C'mon.
(dramatic music)
Careful.
Sorry.
- That's okay.
Doesn't bother me.
- [Tom] Jiffy, can we use the
translator as a time machine?
- [Jiffy] Yes, machine bends space time.
When important we can ask future.
Future and past.
- Sara did you hear that?
- [Sara] What?
- Jiffy just told me we
can use the translator
to get back to Mom and Dad.
- Great, let's do it.
(Jiffy moaning)
I mean, after we rescue Jiffy's Mom.
- [Tom] Are you sure that's
gonna get us back to the future?
- Yes, travel to future, very easy.
- Cool, what buttons do I push?
- [Jiffy] Jiffy not know.
Only mother can show Tom.
- Will we ever get back home?
- Let me put it this way, if
we don't rescue Jiffy's Mom,
it's strange food, pigs
and no MTV forever.
We're doomed.
(dramatic music)
- Let's go.
Ya!
- [Man] I was tellin' 'em that.
- C'mon.
(dramatic music)
C'mon.
(dramatic music)
C'mon, give me a boost up, Ed.
(dramatic music)
- Whoa, what do you see?
What do you see in there.
- It's all covered up, can't see nothin'.
- Hurry up will ya, you
ain't no feather pillow.
- Just hold on.
(Jiffy's Mother screams)
- Forget this!
(man screaming)
(dramatic music)
- What are you hangin' around here for?
- I just heard,
- We didn't see nothin'.
- You didn't hear nothin'
and you didn't see nothin',
now clear out of here, both of you.
Go on, get!
Get, get.
- [Man] Makin' no share of that profit.
- Get, get!
Get, get, get!
(dramatic music)
(people chattering)
- [Ed] Hey, bartender, set
us up and make is snappy.
- Did you see it?
- Yeah I saw it all right.
- I told you, I told you.
- [Man] I'll tell you that right now.
- Quiet down, quiet, quiet!
Now spit it out.
Just what did you see.
- It's just like Mac said.
It looks like some kind of ugly monster.
But bigger than a man.
All chained up.
Kickin' and hissin'
like nobody's business.
- But it don't make no sense.
- Well what is it?
- Where did it come from?
- [Man] What's the sheriff
doin' with a giant creature?
- [Man] What do you mean a monster?
- I think all three of you
must be gettin' your whiskey
at some other saloon.
A creature that big
and walkin' like a man,
there just never was one
and never could be one.
- Why don't you go over
and ask him about it.
- Yeah.
- Maybe I will.
- Don't bother.
Won't do you any good.
- And why's that Mr. Wills.
- He won't let anyone near the jail.
He's sitting in front
with a shotgun in his lap,
like he's got somebody
locked up for a lynching.
- Whoa, what I said.
It's just like I tell ya.
- Well I swear it don't
make no sense at all.
What's it mean?
- You all need answers?
- Yeah.
- This is the fulfillment of prophecy.
- [Man] Give us a little kiss.
- Are you gone mad?
- C'mon.
- You may doubt me but
look at what is happening.
Last night the signs were
in the skies and now,
the beasts are coming
to take over the earth.
It's gonna be the end of time!
Unless, we stand together and fight!
(people cheering)
- Where are those lads.
Where in tarnation is
that there circus fella,
(people chattering)
(dramatic music)
- [Elizabeth] I knew you two
would be good for somethin'.
- It's just plain sl*ve labor.
- Watch where you drop them peels.
- You heard what she said.
(dramatic music)
That.
(dramatic music)
- Now what so you think you're doin'?
Pick that up!
Was you raised by wild pigs?
(dramatic music)
Why you varmints!
(quirky music)
(men grunting)
(dramatic music)
- Ain't so tough now.
- Why you!
(man groaning)
- What you laughin' at!
(man groaning)
(dramatic music)
C'mon.
We got to get us a critter.
- You touch my Johnny,
I'm comin' after you!
- Mighty big talk from
someone what's tied up.
(dramatic music)
- [Ed] He's right over there.
That's right, c'mon join us here.
- [Man] We saw it, we saw it,
it was a big hairy monster.
- We saw it!
- And you know,
- Well, if you think I'm fine,
why don't you go on over there
and ask the Sheriff for a look.
You'll see how far across
the street you get.
- The time for doubt has passed.
Don't you all understand!
We need to stand up to
this to save ourselves.
- That's right, we got to save ourselves!
- [Crowd] Yeah!
- Sheriff Cane,
- He can't tell us what to do.
- We know the unholy thing
you have locked up in there.
Who are you in league with?
- That's right!
- Yeah!
- You all takin' the word of a man
who gets his Scriptures from a bottle?
- [Man] Take it easy.
- I got nothin' to hide Sheriff Cane.
What are you hiding in there?
- You all clear out, go on home!
Nothin' goin' on here
that concerns you all.
- You ain't got no right to be doin' this.
You will invite evil into our town.
We have a right to see what
you have locked up in there!
- You think so do ya.
Why don't you come on over,
see what right you got.
(dramatic music)
- Go ahead, go ahead.
- Yeah!
- We have a right!
- C'mon!
- Someone's gotta.
- What's goin' on in there?
- We ain't scared of you.
- Then try me.
Try comin' over here.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Go on, go on.
- Simmer down.
- Come on Sheriff.
- Yeah, come on Sheriff.
- You ain't gonna sh**t us.
- Stand here and take that.
- C'mon.
- Make sure you take me along.
- Yeah!
(dramatic music)
- Hold on, hold on there.
- Whoa.
I don't want no trouble.
(dramatic music)
- Who the devil are you?
- Sheriff Cane, my name is Small.
Ben Small.
- Huh, why didn't you say so.
C'mon in.
- What's he doin' now?
(crowd chattering)
- Now you see.
You all waited to long.
Now he's got reinforcements.
- [Man] I don't like the look of him.
- [Man] How come he gets
to go inside and we're not?
- [Man] Hey get in there.
- [Man] C'mon Sheriff, that's not fair.
- What do you think they're talkin' about?
- I don't know, but I don't like it.
- Yeah, it's incredible.
Yeah, unbelievable.
It's fantastic.
Here, it's really fantastic.
I'll take it.
I just need your signature, Sheriff.
Sheriff?
- Huh?
- Yeah, I said that I'll take it,
I just need your signature,
I won't even haggle.
You sign right here and I will
have a bank draft delivery
to you first thing tomorrow morning.
- Tomorrow morning?
- Yes sir.
- Well to be honest there Mr. Small,
I was kinda hopin' to settle
this business here now tonight.
- Tonight?
Oh c'mon, you certainly
couldn't have thought
that I was runnin' around
with $10,000 on my person.
- Yeah, (laughing) no,
I suppose that don't make to much sense.
- Yeah.
- Right, fine.
- Fine.
- Now, once you take it, it's yours.
- Yeah.
- As is.
- Yeah.
- Give me no guarantee.
- Yeah I understand,
as long it's alive when the bank is open.
I can't ask you for more than that.
(dramatic music)
- Sure enough.
Well, why wouldn't it be.
- Huh, thank you, thank you very much.
Thank you!
(dramatic music)
(people chattering)
(dramatic music)
(people chattering)
- [Johnny] What's going on?
- [Sara] Maybe it's a party.
- [Johnny] Hey you, what's goin' on?
- Ain't you heard?
Sheriff's got some monster
locked up in the jail.
- Sheriff's got Jiffy's Mom.
- Life cycle ends soon.
Soon.
- Don't worry Jiffy,
we're gonna find a way to
rescue your mom all right.
- Yeah the Titanic was a pleasure cruise.
(dramatic music)
- Wait, maybe there's something I can do.
I have a plan.
It's dangerous.
And I'm gonna need a good shot by my side.
You ever sh**t one of these?
- Yeah, sure, lots of times.
- [Sara] Tom, you've never
shot a g*n in your life.
- Hey, we have a video game
at home that's just like this,
so what's your problem.
- Johnny, Tom can't even
use an electric can opener.
- Sara, I won't let anything
happen to your little brother.
I promise.
- Yeah, well don't let
anything happen to you either.
If you get hurt, I'll k*ll you.
- C'mon Tom, we got to rescue Jiffy's Mom.
(dramatic music)
(people chattering)
(Jiffy's Mom moaning)
- Hey Sheriff, Sheriff?
Sheriff!
Sheriff Cane?
- Huh?
- Oh, are you all right,
is something wrong or?
- (laughs) Wrong.
- Yeah.
- What makes you think anything's wrong?
- Well I was just wonderin',
does it always thrash around like that?
- Couldn't tell ya to be honest Mr. Small.
Sometimes it thrashes,
- Yeah?
- And sometimes it don't.
- But you don't think
that there's something
wrong with it do ya?
- Nah.
I suppose it's just a bit restless is all.
(glass shattering)
- Wh, wh, what was that?
- That would be a rock.
- A rock, Sheriff?
What on earth is goin' on here?
- You ever been to a lynchin'?
- I can't say that I have.
- I have, but I ain't never
been on this side before.
(dramatic music)
(crowd shouting)
- Now, c'mon now!
(people shouting)
(dramatic music)
- What we are supposed to do about it.
Just can't stay here
and be k*lled by a mob!
- Mister, I'm open to suggestions.
- Yeah, but you are the Sheriff here.
- Yeah, well, I resign.
Here, you can be the Sheriff.
- Yeah, wait, wait.
(dramatic music)
(Cane yelping)
(Jiffy's Mom screaming)
- Easy there critter.
(dramatic music)
(crowd shouting)
(g*n fires)
(dramatic music)
- Who are you!
(g*n fires)
(crowd shouting)
- That's your answer.
They were coming into the building
and suddenly I was firing.
It's like my hands had
a life of their own.
Pretty good huh?
- Yeah, you were pretty good.
I'm gonna go see if I can
talk some sense into them.
- Johnny Coyle, you itchin' for trouble?
- We can fight later.
Right now I'm wonderin'
what's come over you folks.
- You ain't the Sheriff.
Besides the Sheriff
ain't even the Sheriff.
- Now listen, I'm only interested
in saving the life of that creature
that Sheriff Cane's
got locked up in there.
- Then you are on the side of the devil.
- That creature in there is harmless.
It may look different, but
it's folk just like us.
- What are you talkin' about boy.
I seen him.
- So did I.
Big, hairy, man earing beast.
- [Ed] Clear out of there
boy before you get shot.
- Now you listen.
She's a harmless Ma with a young one.
- How do you know>
- [Johnny] I know where she came from.
- So do we!
That thing comes from the devil.
- She came down in that
thing that fell last night.
It's a spaceship.
She's hurt, she's lost, and she's scared.
- Didn't I tell you.
I said it was a sign.
Wheels within wheels.
(dramatic music)
(crowd chattering)
Quiet, quiet, quiet.
We must have quiet.
This is life and death for all of us
and for the whole world.
- That sounds good to me!
- Yeah!
- We want the creature.
- We can't let you do that.
(r*fle clicks)
(dramatic music)
- Hey!
Hold on there!
(dramatic music)
- Where done talking.
(g*n fires)
(Prophet groaning)
(Jiffy moaning)
- Where'd he learn to sh**t like that?
- And Dad said playing Doom
over the internet was a waste of time.
All right everyone, repeat after me.
Tom Johnson is the Master of the Universe.
(g*n clicks)
- [Crowd] Tom Johnson is
the Master of the Universe.
- We're losers unfit to kiss his shoe.
- [Crowd] We are losers,
unfit to kiss his shoe.
- Okay, now dance like chickens.
(crowd imitating chicken squawking)
- [Sara] And he's pretty funny too.
- [Tom] This has some
interesting possibilities.
- Aw, my foot.
(imitating chicken squawking)
- Yes Tommy very funny.
- Sheriff Cane!
You come on out now.
Do you hear me?
Sheriff Cane!
Come on out.
- We hear you, what's happening?
(dramatic music)
(Jiffy's Mom screaming)
- [Ben] Sheriff, sheriff, it's a rescue!
(dramatic music)
- [Johnny] You can come on out now.
- Well, let's go.
We're comin' out!
- Yeah.
- Oh no.
- Comin' out.
- About time.
- Look there's Small.
(dramatic music)
- What the devil?
- Keep your hands where I can see 'em.
- Now hold on here, I
thought this was a rescue.
- It is.
Only we're not rescuing you.
Now hand over your g*n
or I'll blast that toupee off your head.
- What in tarnation's
getting into you Johnny,
this city boy's plumb poisoned your mind.
- Grab his keys.
Go unlock Jiffy's Mom.
- What, are you crazy!
That thing will tear the boy to pieces.
(dramatic music)
(Jiffy's Mom screaming)
- Don't be afraid.
I'm friends with Jiffy.
I mean your baby, don't worry,
we'll get you back to the spaceship
and give you new life cycle.
(dramatic music)
(Jiffy's Mom screaming)
Calm down.
- I trusted you, you lied to me.
- [Cane] Excuse me?
- This is obviously a matter
between the two of you.
I'll just--
- Don't even think about it.
- Right.
(dramatic music)
- [Tom] Johnny, help!
(dramatic music)
(Jiffy's Mom screaming)
(dramatic music)
- [Johnny] Hold on.
Let's get her out of here.
(dramatic music)
(Jiffy's Mom moaning)
- Why do not say (mumbling).
- What?
- Mother likes say good night me.
- Don't worry Jiffy.
(dramatic music)
I think I have an idea, okay.
(dramatic music)
Now stay here, don't do anything.
(Jiffy moans)
I'll be back.
(dramatic music)
(crowd chattering)
- Whoa.
- Oh!
- Sara?
I should have known she couldn't hack it.
I should have known.
Let's lay her down.
- What is it?
- Stand back.
(Jiffy's Mom moaning)
(dramatic music)
- Oh my goodness!
- Oh my goodness!
(dramatic music)
(Jiffy's Mother moaning)
- She's dead.
We didn't make it in time.
- [Tom] It's my fault.
I should never have gone to the Sheriff.
- You can't blame yourself.
You did the best you could.
- Yeah, and I sucked.
(dramatic music)
- [Johnny] Tom.
(dramatic music)
- Take your hand off that r*fle.
- [Johnny] Cane you polecat.
- Call me what you like,
but if you don't take
your hand off that r*fle,
I'm gonna squeeze this here trigger.
(Cane laughing)
Now there's a lesson for you Johnny.
Never turn your back on a stranger.
(r*fle thuds)
- Johnny!
(Cane laughs)
- Well, excuse me Sheriff.
This little circus routine
is all very amusing.
But I'm going to go check on the exhibit.
- Small, shut up.
(dramatic music)
Heh, so that Johnny boy
over there's your hero huh?
(laughs) Yeah he ain't so tough now is he.
- That's most unfortunate.
Most unfortunate.
- [Cane] Now see here.
We had a deal.
- Yeah, Sheriff Cane, believe me,
I never want to argue with
a man holding a r*fle.
I appreciate that this
is a big disappointment
for both of us.
But, the fact of the matter is,
that dead things don't
bring in the customers,
the way live things do.
There just to easy to fake.
The people aren't as
trusting as they used to be.
- I suppose you might be right.
Dang!
I never had good timin'.
(dramatic music)
(spaceship whirring)
(eerie music)
- For you Jiffy.
(spaceship whirring)
(Jiffy moaning)
- Ha, ha, well lookie here.
I'm in Pook, we got
business to take care of.
(dramatic music)
(Jiffy moaning)
Hiyah!
- Now boys, you've done it now.
I needed that money.
Now what are we gonna do with you two.
Huh?
Mr. Small, what in tarnation
do you think we should do?
- [Bob] Sheriff Cane!
Sheriff Cane!
- What now!
(dramatic music)
- Clear the way, make way.
Whoa.
Make way now, we got
business with the Sheriff.
- Where have you two fools been?
Don't you know what's
been goin' on around here?
- How could we, we was waiting
for all the shootin' to die down.
- Well while you two
were out messin' around,
we lost that big critter and $10,000.
- Yeah, but I'll be happy to
pay you $500 for the remains.
- Sheriff, we are the
bearers of good tidings.
(dramatic music)
(Jiffy moaning)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(crowd chattering)
- Whoa.
- What's that.
- What are you all running too.
Ain't nothin' to worry about, never was,
this thing ain't come
from the devil or nowhere.
It's just a funny kind of creature is all.
(laughs)
You ought to be ashamed workin' yourselves
into a lather over some
kind of big old mutt.
- It's a coyote bear (laughs).
- Mr. Small.
- Yep.
- I believe that our
contract is still in effect
and you can add in that $500
for what's left of the other one.
- Sheriff Cane, you got yourself a deal.
(Bob and Pook laughing)
- Pook, we are rich men!
(dramatic music)
- Johnny, wake up.
(crowd chattering)
- Come on.
(Jiffy moaning)
(dramatic music)
- Jiffy?
(Jiffy moaning)
Hey, put him down!
That's his Mom there you morons!
- Where do you think you're
goin' there little feller.
(dramatic music)
(Jiffy moaning)
(crowd chattering)
(dramatic music)
- Hey Jiffy, can you hear me?
- Yes, Jiffy sure Mother need ship now.
- I know we have to get
her back to the spaceship,
but we're dealing with an
obvious psychopath here.
- Tom, help Jiffy, help Mother.
- Jiffy, don't worry,
we're gonna save her.
- Bring that little hairball in here,
let the folks have a look at it.
(Bob laughing)
- Come on now, look everybody, coyobear,
scary, make it dance Pook.
- Hey, leave him alone.
You think you're tough don't you.
- Ain't you had enough kid?
- You guys, have either
of you ever wondered
why is there so much violence on TV?
Why can't we all just get along?
- [Bob] Goin' to have to bust you up boy.
- Why not you're a big brave man.
A minute ago you were fighting
with a ferocious monster.
Hey, I got an idea,
after we finish tormenting
this innocent little alien,
why don't we go and hurt
some dangerous animals
like chickens or baby bunnies.
And all of you pinheads can stand around
and watch while these two dirt
bags hurt harmless creatures.
Jiffy's Mom came here looking for help,
instead Bob and Puke dragged
her off in ropes and chains.
And now Sheriff Cane wants to
sell her baby to the circus.
You tell me, who are the real monsters.
- Don't listen to the boy.
I tell you that critter was dangerous.
I had to lock it up to protect the town.
Ain't that right Bloody Bob?
- I reckon.
Course if I had my foot caught
in a bear trap I'd be mighty ornery too.
(dramatic music)
- That poor little critter.
Losin' his Ma like that.
We should all be ashamed of ourselves.
(crowd murmuring)
(dramatic music)
- Now hold on.
- [Man] You hold on Sheriff.
I've had just about enough
of your double talk.
- Wait a sec, she's still alive!
- What!
- She's alive!
(dramatic music)
- Alive.
- Still alive.
(dramatic music)
- We got to get her back to the spaceship,
there's still time to save her.
- Give us a hand, we've got
to get her on the buckboard.
(crowd chattering)
(dramatic music)
- Lend a hand here.
- All right.
- Get up.
- Got her.
- Get her straight away.
- Make way.
- Get back.
- Make way.
- Get back.
- On two.
- One, two.
(crowd chattering)
(dramatic music)
- Come on.
- Other side there.
- Up there now.
- Come on let's go.
(horses hooves pounding)
- What's goin' on?
- Stop!
- All right sis!
- I couldn't just wait.
- Give me the air canister.
- Sara sad, Sara good.
Help Mother.
- Step back.
Step back please, please.
Give her some air or space or
whatever these critters need.
(dramatic music)
I don't know if these critters got a heart
like regular folks.
But iffen they do, her's ain't beatin'.
- You mean she's?
- I'm afraid so young man.
Ain't no more you could have done.
(dramatic music)
(Doctor sighs)
I'm sorry.
(dramatic music)
We are all very sorry.
(crowd chattering)
- Mother gone.
No.
(Jiffy crying)
- Sorry Jiffy.
- Poor little critter, now
he's never gonna get home.
- Neither will we.
(dramatic music)
- There's something missing.
Something I'm not seeing here.
- Tom you did your best.
But it's over.
We better get going.
- Of course!
I forgot to activate
the life support system.
(dramatic music)
(system hissing)
- She's alive!
- Yay!
(crowd cheering)
- We did it!
- Yeah!
- [Jiffy] Mother alive.
Mother alive!
- [Crowd] Yay!
- Well we have one more
thing to deal with.
Them.
- Whoa!
- Yeah, that's right.
- [Man] What are we
gonna do with those guys?
- [Man] Come on, let's get 'em.
- Oh, let's go!
- Bob!
Bob!
Bob!
- Let's get 'em.
- C'mon!
- Bob?
- What?
- I've always loved you like a brother.
- Shut up Pook.
You talk to much.
- You ever been to California?
- No!
- I hear it's real nice this time of year.
- [Bob] Sounds good to me!
- All right.
- Yeah.
♪ Do-Si-Do ♪
(upbeat music)
- Hey, do you want to dance?
- Do you want to dance?
- [Both] Yes.
(upbeat music)
(crowd chattering)
- Do-si-do.
- All right.
(upbeat music)
- Okay, enough of this cowboy stuff.
Let's turn up the heat.
(upbeat music)
- What's that?
- I don't know.
(upbeat music)
(crowd chattering)
- I sure don't understand
the kids these days
or their newfangled ideas.
- [Jiffy's Mother] Hard
job being a mother.
But kids are good.
- You got that right sister.
Let's get some lunch.
(upbeat music)
- Well Sara had her dream come true.
But I doubt if the wild west has a DJ.
- [Jiffy] Jiffy do that.
Like moving pictures of Tom,
to show friends back home.
- You got a video camera?
Hey, this is more like it!
(upbeat music)
(audience applauding)
Those were the cowboys pumping out
their funky square dance sound.
This is Major Tom coming
at you almost live
from the Wild, Wild West.
I'm past, I'm present,
I'm future and I'm gone.
- All right!
(upbeat music)
- Sara, Sara.
Hey Sara!
Sara, we can go home now.
Oh, sorry, didn't mean to disturb there.
- Tom, wait.
Don't tell Mom and Dad.
- Like I would.
You know something, for an
annoying little brother,
you're kind of cool.
- Well for a mutant freakazoid
sister you have your moments.
(Sara laughs)
- I better say goodbye.
- All right, well take your time.
I'll be outside.
(gentle music)
(dramatic music)
- Okay, I'm ready to go now.
Where's Jiffy and his Mom,
I want to say goodbye.
- That's not possible,
they're already gone.
- Oh no.
- Hey look!
(spaceship whirring)
(dramatic music)
- [Jiffy] Goodbye friends.
Jiffy never forgets.
- [Tom] We'll never
forget you either Jiffy.
- [Sara] Take care of yourself.
We'll miss you.
(dramatic music)
(spaceship whirring)
(dramatic music)
- [Crowd] Goodbye.
- Goodbye, have a good trip.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
- Bye, bye.
- It's time to go.
- Sara, stay here with me.
- Johnny, I want to be with you,
but I have to get back to my parents.
They'd miss me.
And I'd miss them.
- Excuse me?
I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
- [Man] Load that truck,
load that up there.
- Don't forget to hide the translator
in the floorboards under
the Sheriff's Office,
or else when we get to the future,
we won't be able to get back here.
- It's all kind of confusing,
but I'll do what you say.
- Come on Tom, we better get going.
- Hey!
How 'bout a photograph to
commemorate this event.
- Sure, come on.
- Okay.
(crowd chattering)
- Smile you all.
(crowd chattering)
(upbeat music)
(camera flash whirring)
- Johnny?
(upbeat music)
- Oh no.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
- Oh my.
- Goodbye Sara.
- She was a nice girl Johnny.
(translator whirring)
- Well we're back!
Hey look, it says Johnny
was elected Sheriff
for the fifth time in a row.
He and his wife.
- Stop.
I'm not listening.
- But,
- No.
Tom, some things we're
better off not knowing
and this is definitely one of them.
- [Tom] Okay, suit yourself.
I'm goin' out to find Mom and Dad.
Mom, Dad?
Mom, Dad?
- [Roger] Tommy?
- Tommy?
- Mom!
- Tommy
- Dad!
Sara, it's Mom and Dad.
- Oh!
- [Melinda] Oh Tommy.
- Where were you?
I've been looking everywhere.
- Oh Dad.
- What happened, are you in trouble again?
- No.
No, I just missed you.
- [Roger] What's the matter with her?
- Nothing, she's just having a great time.
- Cut it out with the smart aleck remarks.
- I'm serious Dad.
This is the best vacation ever.
There's really something
about these ghost towns that
just makes history come alive.
- I feel like I was
practically there (laughs).
Mom, Dad, you're the best.
- Oh Sweetheart.
- Yeah.
- Okay, what is it you want?
- Oh.
- What's wrong?
- Are we sure they're our kids?
- [Melinda] Of course they are.
Who else would they be Roger.
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(MultiCom Jingle)
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Aliens in the Wild, Wild West (1999)
Moderators: Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters, Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters
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Space, Time-travel, Futuristic, Aliens, Sci-Fi movie collection.
Space, Time-travel, Futuristic, Aliens, Sci-Fi movie collection.