06x15 - Desperate Undertakings

[bunniefuu]

I don't know how you did it,
Pascalle, but you are up here.
I can't get rid of it.

Hey, doll. Guess where
I'm calling from.

Everyone, Mum's back in Auckland.

I know it's the wrong thing, even
though I love you, and that's right.

We have to do the— the right thing.

You are the most amazing woman I
have met in such a long... time.
Not that I've meet heaps.

I love you, and you are—

Choice.
Elena?

Piss off, man.
I am calling the cops.

Roy, he visit to Russia,
and this is much dollars.

I must marry him.

OK, are you ready?
(GIGGLES) Yes.

Come up here.
OK.

OK. Oh, close your eyes.

Close your...
(GIGGLES)

Yeah. OK.

ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC

What is...?

That? $ .

For you. Take it.

Why you do this?

OK. I've been... I've been working
real hard, like, every job I could
get.

You give this to Roy,

and then we...

Good to go! You and me.

(GASPS) You think me a...

prost*tute?

A hooker? No. f*ck. No, no,
no, no, no. Look, listen.

You give this to Roy, and
Roy, uh, he makes you free.

Um, sablovnia... Sabov— Sabovnia?

Ah, svobody?

Sva... Yeah.

That's good.
Free! Yeah.

(GIGGLES)

And then we— we, you and
me, we'll get married.

(SIGHS)
You and me.

I must marry Roy.

No. Nyet.

Van loves you

more than f*cking Roy. You know?

Oh. (GIGGLES)

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Yeah?

You are so choice,

but it's not right number.

Roy spent much dollars more.

Hmm. Uh,...

write it— write it down. Write it.

OK. OK.

R—? , ? , ?!

It is too much.
Uh...

And also, there is

my family.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

So, what's this special job?

It's not special — it's sacred.

Me and the Gooch are the guys.

That's what I thought.
I'll do it.

You don't even know what it is.
I don't care. I'll take it.

I'm sick of him taking the big gigs

and leaving us with the stink jobs.
(CHUCKLES)

Raking up old ladies' leaves —
hard to feel manly.

OK, let me explain the job first,
then we'll see who's best suited.

Yeah.
To be fair, bro, it's
probably a two-man gig.

What?
First, the job is right
here in the Rusty Nail.

We're in. That's got to be awesome.

It's worth two grand and
has to be started ASAP.

Oh, we're free, and Van's real busy.

But it has to be done after hours,
which means some mega-early starts.

Love early starts.

I'm up doing t'ai chi anyway.

Cool, cos it's a full
refit of the men's bogs,

which have been closed for the last
three days due to backed-up pipes.

Bags not us.
No way, Jose.

I'll do it.
You sure, bro?

Oh, yeah.
That place is a biohazard.

They're, like, the
bogs of total carnage.

I don't care. I'm not afraid.

OK. Then I bestow on you
the most sacred of things.

MOMENTOUS MUSIC

Is that what I think it is?

Yep.

The key to the Rusty!

Oh, here he is — our
ill-mannered landlord.

To think you're my own flesh
and blood. You're a disgrace.

[ Hey, listen.

Money matters should be discussed
face to face. Leaving a note's
bloody outrageous.

Yeah—
Asking your grandfather for rent.

Why don't you try pimping out
your mother while you're at it?

Look, I had to leave a note

cos I'm always up
way before you guys.

Yeah. Well, that's still no
way for a landlord to behave.

Well, I have to have rent, or
you can both piss off. Got it?

And you should go to bed
to save on the power.

What?!
Or if you have to stay up,

sit in the dark.

What's got up his jacksie?

THE NAKED AND FAMOUS'
'MEETING PEOPLE SUCKS'

MUSIC CONTINUES

(SIGHS)

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC RESUMES

MUSIC CONTINUES

ALARM CLOCK BEEPS

(GASPS)

MUSIC CONTINUES

(GASPS)

(VOMITS)

Hey, bro.

(RETCHES)
Van.

What are you doing here?
Hemi was up early
like he always is, bro,

so I figured we'd take a walk and
see how you're going. sh*t, I'm
guessing not good.

(INHALES DEEPLY) No, smelt worse.

I doubt that, dude.

Hey, man, I'll totally understand
if you wanted to pull out, eh?

Nah, nah. No way.

I want that K.

DOOR CREAKS, WATER TRICKLES

(SIGHS) Lazy bloody whores.

Ew.

(YAWNS LOUDLY)

Hello, Loretta.

Did you sleep here?

Oh, yeah, big night. (GRUNTS) I was
so buggered I just had to crash.

I was up and down that pole so
many times. My hammies are totally
cramped.

Sleeping on the premises
is against the by-laws.

(SCOFFS) So is driving with a
vibrating butt-plug wedged up
your nono,

but it doesn't stop half my clients.

OK, fine. Speaking of clients,
though, can you at least put your
sheets into the washing machine,

so that when they arrive,
it doesn't look like a laundromat?

Uh, hello?

Do we look like management?

And when we signed up for this gig,
we thought we were gonna be taken
care of.

I'm not picking that up.

CELLPHONE RINGS

(GROANS)
BOTH LAUGH

Loretta West.

What? I just dropped her off half an
hour ago. The whole point of daycare
is...

What?

What's happened? Is she all right?

Jane's fine. Aren't you?

Why's she home so early if she's OK?

Do you want to tell Daddy
why you've had to come home?

Jane has been expelled
from Totally Tots.

What?
That is so wrong.

I mean, we were all expelled from
one school or another, but not
this young.

Yeah, but Janie's so sweet.
What did she do?

Hit another little
kid with a hammer.

Is that all?
It was on the head.

Oh God, what's a little
tap between playmates, huh?

Well, Totally Tots basically
said it was attempted m*rder.

How bloody ridiculous.
Come on, let's go sort it out.

How can we do that?
Jane is persona non grata.

Pascalle, could you hold the fort?

No, she's going to work. ]

No, no, it's OK.

Well, do you have
to check with Wayne?

Nah.
We won't be long.

No, that's OK. Take
all the time you need.

OK.

What do you want to do?
Shall we read a book?

It's plastic.
Yeah. I know it seems harmless...

Then why are we here, Sophie?

Because it's high-density rubber and
capable of leaving a nasty bruise.

(SCOFFS) If wielded by an All Black.

Mr Peters, your daughter was
applying it to another child's
head in an aggressive manner.

(GROANS) Isn't this
place about learning?

Of course.

Jane hits a kid. Jane gets in
trouble for it. Jane learns not
to hit the kid.

The world's a better place.

This is not the first
complaint we've had

about your daughter's behaviour.

Who's complained?

I can't disclose that.

Look, we really didn't want to have
to do this, and Jane is a bright
little girl, but...

we're just not sure that you're
the right fit for our philosophy.

What philosophy?

Learning through values.

We have values.

I'm sure you do, Ms West.

Is this about my mother?

Really, this isn't about your
mother. Our concerns are more...

general.
Like what?

Your line of work.

Oh, for f... We are
legitimate businesspeople.

I'm sure that's how you see it,
but not everyone shares that view.

Like who?

I really can't say.
I need to respect privacy.

If people have issues with what
we do, they should have the guts
to say so to our face.

I'm sorry. I'm going to
have to ask you to leave.

No, no. Bugger that.

Hayden, we're done.
No, we're not...

I truly am sorry.
Save the sorry. Who gives a sh*t?

BOTH: Bitch.

REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS

Surprised you're
allowed to use that.

It's a tool of my trade.

Tell that to my fascist grandson.

Jethro? ]
No, Van. He's on the rampage.

Or on the rag.

Nah, Van's stepping up.
The man's an inspiration.

Van?
Yep. He's even taking on the Rusty.

He's down there already?

He's doing the refit of the bogs.

The Rusty, eh?

ROCK MUSIC

MUSIC CONTINUES

GLASS SHATTERS

Clumsy, clumsy.

Well, there's plenty more where
that came from, isn't there?

Oi! What the f*ck are you doing?

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
No! It's sewer man.

It's not opening time yet.

Hey, Van, a free-piss opportunity
is not one to be passed up.

Every man's entitled
to a drink now and then.

Yeah, with all that rent to pay.

Are you nuts? There's surveillance
cameras, you dorks. And I'm the
sacred-key master.

I'm gonna get the blame.

Those cameras haven't
worked for years.

The owner's too tight to fix 'em.

Nobody cares about a couple
of pints, so relax. ]

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER IN BAR

So a few pints go west. Who cares? ]

As with any establishment of this
kind, you know, certain losses
are to be expected.

It's known as evaporation.

You guys have still got to get out.

But surely,

after the many thousands of dollars
we've invested in this place over
the years, one measly pint —

is it too much to ask?
We're shareholders.

Mm.

You guys have got seconds
to get out of here.

Ugh!
The devil's entrails!

Two,... three,...

four,... five,...
six,...

DOOR CLOSES

...seven... Yay!

There? Any more? Oh, good one.

DOOR OPENS

You don't need one of...

Hi.
Hi.

I've just come over for some lunch.

OK.

Were you gonna come into work today?

Well, Jane got expelled, so I'm
just covering for Hayden and Loretta
while they go and kick some arse.

Right. OK.

You OK with that?

Yeah,... though a call
would have been nice.

Oh, sorry. It just
happened quite fast.

And, um, to be honest,

you and me working
together is not really...

...getting any easier.

Being with you and not being able to
touch you, I know it's the right...

(CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY)

It's not really important. We're not
talking about anything important, so
you sit here and play with Snake.

Look, I know it's—

It's just hard to be around you, OK?

Yeah.

It's a problem.

I say we smack the bitch with a real
hammer. We paid top dollar for that
place.

For childcare, not to be
told that we're deviants.

Didn't go so well?
It's not Jane that's the problem —

it's her sicko parents and what they
do for a job. And don't even start
with the moralising.

I wasn't going to.

So we run a brothel.
Big f*cking deal.

Prostitution is a service. And yes,
it's a little bit icky, but it's not
illegal.

OK.
And it's not Jane's fault that
her parents run an icky business.

And Totally Tots should
not take it out on her.

Damn straight.
You see, we should fight this.

Great, but for now,

who is gonna look after Jane while
we run this sink of iniquity in
question? Can't take her there.

Well, I could help out.
With Jane?

Well, I could...

I could work at the brothel. Not
sex, obviously, but if there was
anything else.

You?
Why not?

Well, I'm pretty sure Wayne will
have something to say about me
poaching his staff.

Nah, I'm good.

Are you sure?
Yeah. It's quiet at
the moment anyway, so...

OK. Thanks.

Well, I'm gonna take care of public
enemy number one, and you can bring
Pascalle up to speed.

I do not have to wear
anything slutty, do I?

Nope. You're good as you are.

(UTTERS w*r CRY)

ROCK MUSIC

(BELLOWS)

WATER SPLASHES

PATRONS GROAN

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, whoa. Mind the fish, eh?

Hey, bro, you're not meant to be
working during trading hours, man.

Just keeping my eyes on the prize.

Oi, what is he doing?

What does it look like?
He's fixing the bogs.

At lunchtime?

At least he's focused on work, not
getting arrested for chasing some
nerdy Russian girl.

Yeah, that is something (!)

Van's a changed man.

Changed into what, Munter?

Well, he's focused, he's got good
time management, and I can trust
him with the sacred key.

Key to what?

Key to this place.

Hold on. Hold on.

Van has a key to the Rusty?
Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) And you expect
him to stay focused?

Like I was saying, he's my top tool.

You dumb sh*t.
Oh, shut up.

(CHUCKLES)

DOOR BUZZES
(SIGHS)

Hey.

You haven't been in much.

Yeah, been a bit busy.

Are you still f*cked off with
me? Is that what this is?

Well, you made yourself pretty
f*cking clear. I just don't
want you to take any risks.

I'm not.

(SCOFFS) It's... It's not as if I
haven't covered up evidence before.

Jeez, I don't want
to argue about this.

Are we arguing?

I'm just...

I'm just trying to get through
this the best way I can.

Yeah, I know.

Can we just deal with this
sh*t when this is all over?

Yeah, sure.

All right. All right,
come on. What's the goss?

Well, I suppose you
haven't heard about Janie.

What about her?

Kindy teachers. They think
they're a cut above.

I know a kindy teacher who's a
working girl after Monday to
Friday.

Really?
It's not surprising,
given how bad the pay is.

I could go and smack
this Sophie bitch.

Yeah, then we'd really live down to
her expectations. Pascalle, sheets
are in the cupboard upstairs.

How do they know about you?
What?

Do you go around going,
'I'm Loretta from Loretta's'?

No, I try to speak to the other
parents as little as possible.

What about Hayden?
I don't know.

How else did they find about you?

I don't know. It's too late now, OK?

Back to the sheets.

Do you want them ironed?

(SCOFFS) Nice idea, hon,

but if the boys are looking at
the sheets, we're in deep sh*t.

ALL CHUCKLE

OK, so we've got linen, laundry,
phones and lunch. What do you
guys like to have?

We get a choice?

Never have before.
She is a treasure.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Loretta West.
What's this sh*t about Jane?

Mum, OK, before you launch into
the 'see what happens when you
run a brothel' speech, save it.

No, no, no, this is bullshit.
What?

I'm not having Jane
treated like this.

Well, she is a West.

I want to have a word to this cow.

No, Mum, don't worry.

Listen, if you don't
do something, I will.

Yes, OK. We will.

And the Moselle Heights
place? That's done?

[ Yeah, it's done. Yeah.

Hey.
Hey, bro.

Wow, OK. No offence, my main man,

but, uh, can you stay
downwind a bit?

The bogs will be finished
by opening tomorrow.

No way.
I've got to hand it to you,
bro. That's an amazing effort.

Yeah, with it all so encrusted.

Roger's really stoked, eh, bro.

I don't care, as long as he pays up.

Yeah, he's paying.
Good.

He's so pleased that he's raised
the fee from two grand to three.

Are you serious?
Totally, man.

What's even more cool is that he's
paying it in a bar tab. So no tax,
bro. No GST.

Just free piss?
For us Toolies forever —
or until it runs out.

Oh, yeah!
Awesome.

Nah. No. He can't do that.

Bro, he offered, and I got
him up from to .

Skills.
Nah, but it's my job.

Wh—? It's ours. We are a team.

What's this 'we' sh*t? I did it.
Yeah, as a Tool Guy.

No. I want that K in cash, man.

But now it's K.
In piss.

I don't want free piss.

OK. I'm thinking that maybe you
caught some freaky virus from
those rancid toilets,

because turning down a $
bar tab is very unlike you.

I need that money.

What for?

To give to someone.

Have you been racking up
credit with the Raj again?

No. Come on.

Look.
Then who?

Elena.
The Russian nerdy chick?

Yeah.
Bro, I thought that was all over.

No. No.

But look. Roy spent about grand
in, like, airfares and sh*t.

And if Elena gives all of that back
to him, then she doesn't have to
marry him.

She wants K?
Yeah, but then she'll marry me.

How do you know it's not a scam?

It's not, OK? You gotta trust
me, man. She's worth it.

Sorry, man. It's a done deal.

f*ck, Munt.

Well, it took a lot of hard
bargaining, man. I can't
renegotiate now, bro. I mean...

What are you doing?
Saving power, like you wanted.

Gives the place atmosphere.

Yeah, well, I still want rent.

Surely this is worth a discount.

And tomorrow it doubles. And then
it doubles every day after that
until it's... triple.

(SIGHS)

f*ck.

ROCK MUSIC

f*cking k*ll you.

Hey! What are you doing?

You stole my money.
I did not.

He didn't take it.
Bullshit.

I took it.
What?

Don't worry. Your money's safe.

(WHEEZES)
Give it back.

I invested it for you.
Where?

I put it all on My Gammy Leg,

running at good odds in
the Waitakere Cup tomorrow.

You spent my money on a horse?

Not just any horse — a sure-fire
winner. You can't help but come
out better off.

I should kick you out
on your skinny old arse.

He was only trying to help.
And you.

Then you won't have any flatmates,
and you won't get any f*cking rent.

You're not paying any f*cking rent.

Oh, look, I can manage
bucks until tomorrow.

Down payment, until
our horse comes in.

You f... f*cking...

f*ck.

Goodnight, gorgeous. Sleep well.

May you have sweet dreams—

...of v*olence and vengeance.

(CHUCKLES) Goodnight.

We could do them for discrimination.

(GROANS) That's just throwing
money away on lawyers.

Wasn't like this in the old days.

No one gave you sh*t for
your dad owning a brothel?

No. They were too scared to.

Plus we gave a shitload
of cash to the church.

(SCOFFS) Simpler times.
It's about the principle.

There is no principle when you're
dealing with uptight fascists.

Getting her in anywhere else
is going to be a total f*cking
nightmare.

You can be persuasive when you want
to be, and we did get one good thing
out of it.

What?
Pascalle.

The girls like her, and she's really
good at all the domestic sh*t.

Well, Judd will want her back.

We'll see.

What are you planning?

I can be persuasive
when I want to be.

ALARM CLOCK BEEPS

THE NAKED AND FAMOUS'
'MEETING PEOPLE SUCKS'

f*cking... (SIGHS)

MUSIC CONTINUES

KEYS JINGLE

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC FADES

Grandpa. Grandpa. You awake?

No.

You owe me, Grandpa.

I told you, My Gammy Leg's
a shoo-in.

No, no, no. You owe me,

and so does the Rusty.

So I've come up with something
that you can help me with.

What would that be?
A job.

Light the candle, then.
And make us a cuppa.

(CHUCKLES)

(SNIFFS)

(SNORES)

(WHISTLES)

Munter, what the f*ck are you doing?

He's visiting you, apparently.

Hey, Jethro. Making coffee.

It's . in the morning.

Bailey, do you take milk?

No.

Hemi was up early, as usual. Thought
I'd take him for a walk and keep you
abreast of a developing situatio.

You don't know how to use a phone?

It was on our way.

So, you know how Van's been
working hard lately, right?

Focused, you said. Yeah.

Yeah, well, problem is he's focused
on that Russian bird, Elena.

(SIGHS) Christ.

I thought he was over that.

Yeah, me too. Turns out
he's even more driven.

You know what Van's like when he's
driven, bro. He almost drives off
the entire road.

Right. I'll have a word with him.

Good, cos he ain't too happy with
me. Coffee's almost ready, bro.

Do you take sugar?

Nah. Pack that up. Take
your baby and f*ck off.

Do you think the girls would
prefer pumpkin or leek and mushroom?

Are you planning on going in again?

Well, you haven't got
childcare, have you?
No.

It'll be nice for Jane to spend
some time with her actual mother.

Um, well, what about
your detective career?

I don't really do that much
of it, and it's kind of boring.

Are you OK with me
stealing girl Friday?

It's fine.

Um, I could reimburse you for wages.

Whatever. ]

OK, bye.

I'd better head off too.

OK.

I don't know why you
want my phone bill.

And yours.

OK, but I am feeling conflicted.

Oh, it's just fact
finding. That's all.

But, like, on my website, it says
'discretion assured'. This is not
discreet.

I never discuss my clients.

Yeah, and that is fair enough,
but shouldn't it cut both ways?

I don't see what it's
got to do with my phone.

Someone from Totally Tots knows
about the brothel, or they've
been here or something.

Maybe.
And it's impacting on someone
who isn't even yet.

I know. It's a shame, but I—

sh*t.

Who's that?

Mr H.
Which one's he?

Short, balding, usually Thursday.

Oh, him. Sad sack.

And does he have kids?
Two.

And what else can
you tell me about him?

I really, really, really shouldn't.

How did you get in here?

Oh, I said I had an appointment.

It's Pascalle West, isn't it?

Mm-hm. I'm here to see
when Jane can come back.

(SIGHS) I'm afraid
that's not possible.

Well, I thought you
might want to reconsider.

Due process was followed, and
it's about what's fair to everyone.

I happen to know that
that is bullshit.

We don't like the B-word,
and rules are rules.

One rule for the parents and another
for people in your parent committee?

Of course not.

Look, you probably don't know this,
but a lot of people visit brothels.

Mostly they're men, and mostly
it's for sex, and yes, some of
it is icky,

but mostly it's pretty harmless.
Actually, I—

Some of those men are parents,

and some of them are even
on parent committees.

What are you saying?

Look, I'm not naming any names, OK,

but if someone is worried my
sister or brother-in-law would
say something

about his regular visits to their
establishment for sex and light
B and D, that person is so wrong.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

If you're expelling Jane for
her parents owning a brothel,

maybe you should expel Brittany H
for having a dad who uses one.

(SIGHS) What do you want, Ms West?

I'm asking you to think
about what's fair.

Where have you been?

Sorting things, and I got some
scrummy bread for lunch and a
chocolate log.

Ooh, goody. My favourite.

So, how did it go?

How did what go?

Well, I talked to Sophie, and it
looks like Jane will be back at
Totally Tots before you know it.

What did you do? I checked on
the facts cos I knew there'd
be a connection, and there was.

What are you talking about?

Mr H has a daughter at Totally Tots.
Who?

She's blonde — kind of a stringy
blonde, though. Not very pretty.

No, I'm talking about the father.

Well, he's a regular.

I didn't mean to spill.

sh*t.

If you knew your clientele better,
you would have worked it out,

and his motives were really obvious.
Even Sophie could see that after I
pointed out how bad it could look.

You used blackmail?

Well, what's wrong with that?
You use it all the time.

That's not the point.

Do you want Jane to go back?

Pascalle, if clients find out that
we are dobbing in their identities,
this place is dead.

Well, that's not going to happen.
Sophie's not going to say anything.

(GROANS) God.

Oh, I was only trying to help. And
I thought it was pretty clever how
I worked it out.

I thought you didn't
even like detective work.

Well, I don't — not very much.

What's going on with you and Wayne?

Nothing. Why?

Have you had a fight or something?

No. Don't be stupid. It's
just good to have a change.

Anyway, I've got to go and make
some lunch. I'm making soup.
It's pumpkin.

[ Yay!

Is Van in?

In his room. Probably having
a tug of w*r with Cyclops.

He'll charge you for that.
Who?

Van. Watching the pennies.

Paid for that?
What?

Money doesn't grow on
trees, Jethro, or beer.

I take it this is in aid of your
scheme to buy Elena off her fiance.

That's none of your business.

You can't buy another person, Van.

I'm not buying her.
I'm buying her freedom.

And how much do you actually
know about this girl?

(SIGHS) I know she loves me.
Of course (!)

You wouldn't understand,
cos everyone hates you.

What if she decides to f*ck off
back to Russia, Van? Ever think
about that,

that she might just
be stringing you along?

Nah. She wants me.

That's a f*cking fantasy, Van.
Well, I'm not gonna listen to you.

I don't want you to
get screwed over again.

You probably want to
steal her off me, bro.

(SIGHS) Jesus.

You stay away from her. You
stay away from me. Got it?

I'm not going anywhere near her.

Good, then you can f*ck off.

Go on. Get the f*ck
out of my house, man.

No. I haven't finished my beer.

You haven't paid for it either.

Happy now?

If you won't go, then I'm going.

Leave him alone.

Are you backing this plan of his?

At least he isn't afraid
to get his hands dirty.

In the bogs at the Rusty?

In ways you can only
fantasise about, sunshine.
Meaning?

I've been waiting for
one of my own to step up.

Others have promised so much
and delivered little. ]

Are you planning something with Van?

That would have to be
none of your business.

But you can make yourself useful and
drop me down the Rusty — Waitakere
Cup day.

Always nice to see people be
fast and loose with their cash.

All right.

MAN: Lucky Bugger is fading now
as Her Hairiness pushes her nose
ahead.

Her Hairiness. Her Hairiness is
challenging hard, with My Gammy
Leg possibly too wide.

Still A Virgin is
looking dangerous.

Naughty Girl is having trouble,
and Stormin' Norman isn't.

yds to go, and Her Hairiness
can't hold on. Distant Cousin
is a distant fourth.

Nothing in it now, as My Gammy Leg
roars up wide. And it's My Gammy
Leg. Still A Virgin.

My Gammy Leg. Still A Virgin. And
My Gammy Leg has won the Waitakere
Cup.

You jammy bastard, Ted.

I'll take that. No luck, Falani?

Polynesian Princess looked like
she'd been lying on the beach
for too long eating.

Never trust those island girls. They
promise so much, and then they turn
into Mrs Falani —

bless her fine frame.

Oh, it's a shame it only
paid $ . . Hardly worth it.

Van's just turned into — pay
my rent arrears and buy a couple of
rounds. Gimlet, my love?

Of course.

I'll get some chips as well.

Ted, you're such a winner!

Fancy a drink, you pen-pusher?

Yeah, OK. Why not?

Not like you to throw cash around.

You saying I'm tight?

No, no.

Not to worry, boy. It all
comes back to you in the end.

All right.

Damn, girl. You must have been
pulling some serious Gs on this
baby.

Mm, I got a bit carried away.

That in a thigh vortex
is pretty impressive.

Aw, thanks, Goochie. (GIGGLES)
But can you fix it?

Yeah, no worries.

Hey, I'm just grabbing the banking.

OK.
Where's Pascalle?

Oh, she just popped out to get
some more lube and some ToffeePops.

Wh—? What, Pascalle?

Does she work here now?
Yep.

She's really great.

Pascalle West, finally on the
game. She'll be a big earner.

No way.
Yeah. Her breasts alone
could be charged as extras.

Before you start raiding your piggy
banks, she's working on reception.

Whoa, detective to pimp.

What do you know?

She's helping me out.

Yeah, figures, I guess, with
the issues Mr J was having.

What issues?

Hey, Gooch, do you want to get
the rest of the stuff from the ute?

Yeah, sure.

Well, I figured you might know
already, being family and all.

Spit it out, Aaron.

OK, well, I don't know for sure,

but I think there was some unhealthy
feelings going on there from her to
him, if you get what I'm saying.

Did she tell you this?

Well, no, but I'm a pretty sensitive
kind of guy, and especially when it
comes to almost step-incest.

Which... well, you've got to admit
that's pretty unattractive, even
in an attractive lady.

And you've got to feel for Mr J,
being the almost victim of that.

Right.

Still, working here might help her
get things in perspective, eh? Yeah.

Tried five daycare centres. They've
all got a six-month waiting list.

So what's the plan?

I could swing maybe something
at Little Star of Bethlehem.

No. We are not sending
Jane to a Catholic daycare.

They play down that crap.

I'm not spending good money for
my daughter to get brainwashed.

CELLPHONE RINGS

Loretta West.

Loretta, it's Sophie
from Totally Tots.

Oh, hi, Sophie.

I have some wonderful news.

I convened a special meeting of the
board of trustees to see if I can
change their stance,

and it was decided after much
consideration that Jane can
be reinstated on the roll.

Oh my God. (SIGHS RELIEVEDLY)
Well, let me share the good news.

Guess what, everyone. Jane is
allowed back at Totally Tots.

That is great.
Isn't it? Sophie, on
behalf of the West family,

I'd just like to suggest
that you take your roll

and you shove it up your tight white
middle-class arse. It'll be the most
fun you've had in ages.

Loretta, what the f*ck was that?

Jane is not going back there.

You made sure of that.

We'll find somewhere, even if we
have to bribe someone or open up
our own daycare.

Look, Loretta—
We can manage for now, OK?

Pascalle might want to stay on.

Oh, um...

Well, you know, given how you
feel about things at the moment.

Thought a change of scene
might be good for you.

(SCOFFS) Nah. I'm— I'm OK.

Mm, but you don't really like
detective work or detectives.

I didn't say that.
You did say they were
pretty boring, though.

So shall we call it a yes?

That's up to Pascalle.

Oh, come on, Wayne. Working with her
and living with her — it could get
pretty wearying.

No, not really.

I need to talk to you
right now about the job.

Ow!

I was gonna do it. You
don't have to blackmail me.

I wasn't blackmailing
you. I was teasing you.

Well, that's dumb. Everything that
happened between me and Wayne is...
is totally over.

What?

Well, I know that it's wrong.

I love him, and he loves me.

Did you and Wayne do it?

Yeah, but not any more.

f*ck, Pascalle.

Oh, Loretta, you can't say
anything. Please, you...

Let me help with the warm-up, Ted.

Oh God, that's firm.
Grandpa—

Can't hurry an artist
with his warm-up, Van.

I want to go. Come on.

Full spin on both chambers.
(INHALES DEEPLY)

(CHUCKLES) Now I'm ready.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

THE ACCELERANTS'
'THIS DIRTY OLD TOWN'

Fancy a quick snort before we start?

Grandpa, come on.

Go.

♪ This old town's got a hole in
the middle, got a hole where the
heart should be.

♪ The sunlight never parts
the clouds. The shadows on
the hills... ♪

Stop.

Wow, seconds.

Would you think any less of me if
I said I nearly came in my trousers?

(GIGGLES, SCREAMS) f*ck off.

f*ck off.
What the f*ck do you
two think you're doing?

Waltzing in at the last minute does
not get you a slice of the action.

I wouldn't want it. This has got to
be the dumbest robbery in history.

It's a bloody good score.

Van, you've got the keys.

It'll take the cops five minutes to
figure this out — no signs of forced
entry.

We were gonna break
in on the way out.

It's still gonna point straight
back to you, Van, or to your
mate, Munter.

Yeah. Thanks, bro (!) You arse.

They owe me, Munt.

They've been generous.
I got us a good deal.

Yeah, but the deal doesn't
work for me, Munt. For Elena.

Hey, there are better
ways to get the money, Van.

No, no. There's working for
it or there's stealing it.

I'll give you the money.

What?
I can get you what you need.

grand?

What about me?

I'll get to you, all right? Listen
to me. You will get what you need —
I promise you.

All you've got to do is leave
the keys and walk away. This
never happened. Got it?

Come on.

(GROANS)

Bugger that.
Leave it!

SAFE CLOSES
I've got something better
planned for you, OK? Come on.

Thanking you kindly.
You don't deserve it.

Up yours.

What were you thinking? You risk
everything for a couple of grand
at your local.

Risking what? You've been talking
yourself up for too long.

I told you to wait.

Well,... (SIGHS) spit it
out. What have you got?

(SIGHS)

A steal to order.

Cash?
Objects.

Safe?
And a security system. You
can get around one of those?

Don't patronise me, nancy pants.
Good.

Well, give me the details.

It's really choice of
Jethro to help you out.

Eh.

But it wasn't cool to desecrate the
sacred key, man. You nearly got me
in some big sh*t, bro.

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.

You were gonna cross the line for
love? Sometimes that can be very
unhealthy, bro.

She's worth it. You've
got to believe me, man.

Yeah, but how do you know?
You know, this is what concerns me —

that you are ready to risk so much
for a lady who may not feel as much
for you as you do for her, man.

No, she's into me.

Yeah, but how can you be sure?

Um, I'm pretty sure.

Oh, choice!

No, you're choice.

You are f*cking choice!

(SHOUTS)

Yep, she loves me.

Totally Tots recanted and welcomed
Jane back with open arms.

Oh, good on you.

Mum, it's run by uptight bigots. I
wouldn't send Jane there if you paid
me.

OK.
We'll find somewhere else.

Well, if Totally Tots want to lose
their star pupil, it's their f*cking
loss.

How good a place can it be if
they're mean to my little girl?

(SIGHS)
So, come on, what's the news?

Um,... not a lot.

Oh, come on. There
must be some goss.

Well, apart from Van doing the
refit of the Rusty Nail toilets...
Oh no. Really?

Yep, and,... oh, Grandpa won
the Waitakere Cup, but he wasn't
actually in the race.

(CHUCKLES) Anything else?

You can't say anything, Loretta.

Please, you...

Um, no. I won't.

I promise.

Yeah, but it's you, and you
never keep your promises.

(SIGHS)

GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC

MUSIC CONTINUES

Apart from that, bugger all, really.

Oh well, I guess no
news must be good news.

Yeah.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.' ♪

MUSIC CONTINUES