07x07 - Night of the Parrot

[bunniefuu]

Berlin, quit chasing Khartoum.

So how was your weekend?

Oh, it was fine.

It was uneventful. And yours?

All fine.

Are you sore?

No. Sore would be slight discomfort.

And I am experiencing... ah!

Major discomfort known as pain.

The seal?

The ex-seal.

I think if he was still on active duty

I'd be hospitalized.

Kevin's idea of a fun date

is a hundred thrust squats

while clutching a
ten-pound bag of potatoes.

What's up with you?

Oh, my neck's a little stiff.

And that would be a direct result of...?

Of Danielle.

Ooh!

Corps de ballet

sainte chapelle dance company.

And a flexible young Gaul she is...

Date number...?

Trois.

Smokes like an active volcano

drinks like she's trying

to quench the eternal flame

and has absolutely

no concept of nightfall...

Or sleep, for that matter.

Any killings?

Sorry, Harry, no.

Three weeks, not a single homicide.

Wh-what's happened to the quality of life

here in palm beach?

I don't know, skipper.

Can you imagine a group
of people so self-centered

that they won't even commit a m*rder.

Huh. It's beyond me.

Oh.

Ah, great.

Swell, I'll-I'll

I'll take this in my office.

Maybe if you k*ll Kevin and I k*ll Danielle

Harry would be happy.

A sweet thought. Ow!

But unfortunately

Kevin and I have already played

the go-ahead-and-try-and-k*ll-me game.

Mm. Relationship's moving fast, isn't it?

I said to him, "Kevin,

we're both naked.

"Trying to silently slit your throat

is really not on my mind right now."

That kind of logic would've given me pause.

I thought this was solid.

When I first started seeing him

phrases like "frontal as*ault"

and "flanking positions"
sounded kind of fun.

Great news, everybody!

We got a m*rder!

You ever worry about him?

Oh, yeah.

Excuse me, Meg.

These are sergeants Ryan and St. John.

Meg, could you, uh

tell us where

the victim is, please?

She, she said this direction, right?

Yeah.

So... what do we got?

We got nothing.

We're having a little trouble

finding the d.B.

What do you mean

you can't find the dead body?

Uh, Meg, we're

we're having a little trouble.

We thought maybe

you could help us find the... body.

There, there's a cat here.

Khartoum.

She was so young and vital.

What sort of monster
would do a thing like this?

Cassy: Miss Gordon

is Khartoum the reason

you called us here?

Uh, miss Gordon

we'll call the humane society.

You see, we're, we're homicide detectives.

We deal with murders.

I know who you are, you twit.

Now, someone has m*rder*d Khartoum

and I want to know who did it, and why.

Captain lipschitz?

Meg, we're on it.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Are you nuts?

Shh! Quiet.

Meg: Oh, please

please just be quiet.

Look, someone has m*rder*d

Khartoum

and the police are here investigating.

Please just leave me alone.

Are you all right?

Yes, thank you, I'm fine.

It's just my feckless
ex-daughter-in-law Katrina.

She has the most annoying habit

of calling me mom.

Captain lipschitz.

Are you insane?

You're the one who was moping around

not having any murders to solve.

I'll UN-mope.

Well, what about your son, is he around?

No, he, he died months ago.

You know, you remind me of someone

that I haven't seen for a very long time.

I just have one of those faces.

Will you just do this thing?

I'll explain later.

Shh!

Meg.

Did the cat have any known enemies?

Besides the dog, that is.

Meg: Captain lipschitz

do you think that sergeant St. John

could stay behind?

I could use a sense of security.

Oh, wouldn't it be better

if it was somebody you kn...

She'd be delighted.

Wouldn't you, cassy?

Yeah, I guess I would.

Fine. Then it's settled.

Harry, this is weak!

Do you like the new station house?

Yeah, of course.

And also participating

in the annual police and firemen's

golf and tennis tournament?

Yeah, I have won it three years in a row.

Meg Gordon funds the above.

Ah. So if she wants us

to investigate dead
termites in her house, we will.

Excellent, detective.

Besides everything else, I like her.

Find out what k*lled the cat.

Forget it.

Hey, if I got to solve

the m*rder of Sylvester here

you got to do the autopsy.

Do I look like a vet?

Do you see chihuahuas
and parakeets in here?

Meg Gordon is a major contributor

to things like our tournament.

Tournament. Like our golf tournament?

Yeah.

Okay.

I win it.

You win what?

I win the golf tournament.

Oh, no. No, you see

I usually win the tournament

and you place second.

I know. But I'm not the one

looking for a different
way to skin a cat, am I?

Meg: So, there I was,

hot and sticky

like you only can be in the midday sun

years old, you know, camera in hand

waiting for that pompous englishman

to lower the last union Jack on the Suez

so I can get the picture off to New York

when I see

this ravishing Egyptian

taking pictures of me and not the canal!

You were working for lifethen?

No, time. Life already had capa,
so what did they need me for?

Well, anyway, two bottles of ouzo later

and I married dear, sweet anwar benizan.

He gave me a cat on our wedding day.

He told me that the cat
was sacred to the Egyptians

and that I was sacred to him.

He called the cat Khartoum.

Anwar died in Jordan two years later.

And since then I've named

every cat I've ever had Khartoum.

Silly, isn't it?

No. I don't think it's silly at all.

Well, that's good, because I've also named

every German Shepherd I've ever had Berlin

after my second husband, erich Von rhone.

Oh, and that little devil

is the only pet to have survived

all of my marriages.

His name is Vatican.

Buenas noches, Meg.

And that's when you
met number one in Italy?

Spain.

Spain.

But Hector was very catholic.

So who is it I remind you of?

Well, that's a secret
I'll share with you soon.

Very soon.

Excuse me.

Hi, mom.

Katrina.

I have told you a billion times

I hate it when you call me that.

Now, why are you here?

Hi, I'm Katrina rhone.

Hi. Cassy St. John.

Is this the daughter-in-law

you were talking about?

The feckless ex-daughter-in-law
I was talking about.

You know, Meg

it's getting a little late

and since Katrina's here

I think I'll...

Oh, yes, well, just go on.

Just leave me in my grief past

to deal with my grief future.

Let me know if you need anything.

Oh, that's okay, that's okay. Go.

But please, let me know
what happened to Khartoum.

She wasn't that old, you know.

I will.

Thanks.

Oh, and the other thing I noticed...

There's no alarm on this house.

What for?

Johnny weissmuller once tried

to break this door in,
gave himself a concussion.

Johnny weissmuller...?

Yes, Tarzan.

Knocked himself out.

Yeah. Johnny weissmuller.

Okay. All right.

Good night, Meg.

Good night.

It'll never be yours, Katrina.

I know.

I don't want it.

Just exactly what is it

that you do want from me?

To tell you I was sorry
to hear about Khartoum

and if there was anything I could do...

I am anything but stupid or foolish.

How could your son

see so much in me and you see nothing?

Because I know what
to look for and he didn't.

You are so wrong about me.

I doubt it.

All you really want is the money.

But I don't.

Look, I pride myself on being independent

in both spirit and means.

I also have dug for gold.

And I know what the dirt
looks like underneath the nails

and, honey, it's caked under yours.

Did you hate me every day

for the two years that I lived here?

Just about.

I loved my son.

He was a fool.

I tried to help him.

You exploited him.

You're so wrong about me.

Buenas noches, Carey.

Berlin.

Good morning.

Good morning.

So, how are you and Danielle?

Did you do a pas de deux last night?

No.

No, I told her

I was taking my father

who lives in Boston

to an expos game.

So, north American geography isn't

one of her strong suits.

No, how about you

and the underwater demolitions expert?

I, I'm getting worse and worse

about breaking up relationships.

It used to be that I could

look a guy straight in the eyes and say

both: "It's been fun

but we're through."

How did you know?

I may have heard you say that... once.

Ryan.

St. John.

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

'Kay.

Well, we'll be

right over... miss Gordon.

Thanks.

I, I can't believe this.

Her dog's dead.

Oh.

Well, that was Morton.

The cat died of rat poisoning.

He also found a partially
digested rat inside.

So she was telling the truth.

Somebody did m*rder her cat.

Cassy: Is Harry going to make you

pay for the locksmith?

He acts like I'm the
first person in the world

who's ever locked a
set of keys inside a car.

No, it's the fact it was the second time

you'd done it to a squad car.

Is it asking too much to
keep a set of spares around?

You lost the spare keys, remember?

Oh, I got it.

You got it what?

Let's double-date with Danielle and Kevin.

Do that thing we did on the Anderson case.

No.

Oh, come on.

No. What happened to the "it's fun

we're through" thing?

This is more humane.

Come on, cass.

You're breaking up with the guy

not putting him to sleep.

Are you in, or are you practicing

grand jetes all night with Danielle?

Hello.

First Khartoum, and now Berlin.

What madness is this?

Miss Gordon.

This may just be a horrible coincidence.

See, Khartoum sort of
died of natural causes.

How so?

Well, the cat ate

the rat who ate the cheese.

Are you toying with me, sergeant Ryan?

Because I don't own a rat.

No, no. The poison in the cheese

k*lled the rat that k*lled the cat

that ate the rat that...

Someone might want to help me here.

Are you suggesting Berlin ate a rat, too?

No...

Hey, hey.

Who is this Johnny weis-something?

Weissmuller.

Yeah.

Tarzan.

Who's that?

The Tarzan.

The guy who invented the yell.

Vatican was an eyewitness.

An eyewitness to what?

To Berlin's m*rder.

And macaws are very bright.

I think we should ask him.

Okay. I'll be going.

Uh-uh-uh.

Harry, I haven't moped all day.

Who, who, who k*lled the dog?

Nope. That's it.

How can you be so stupid? He doesn't

even speak your language.

That's because this is a parrot.

Cassy: Wait.

You said the bird

only speaks Spanish.

Nope, no, no-no.

I'm not going to go there.

Come on, we don't speak fluent Spanish.

I think it's a wonderful idea.

Fine.

I'll go get ramone.

Oh, shh.

Digame, baby.

Whew! Are you drunk?

Claro que no, while I am working?

What are you doing?

Well, I...

Oh!

Everything is muy delicado.

I am plying my trade in los artes.

Senor d'olimpio has asked me to
clean and authenticar his wares.

Tom: Geez.

What do you got in your hand?

Este?

Oh, this is what the senor
told me to clean with, hmm?

What are you doing with ether?

It is what he told me...

He said, y yo cito, "ether
clean or authenticate the art..."

and that is

what I am doing.

Either. Either, ramone.

Either, or. Not "ether".

This'll k*ll you.

No, no me extrana.

This was doing a very malo job of cleaning.

But!

I am to forgive.

The senor speaks with a very thick accent

and his English no es tan perfecto,

como lo mio.

Okay, come on.

You're coming with me

I need your help.

Oh. Okay.

Oi!

Ooh!

Oh, esto could have
been a big disaster, huh?

Come on.

Okay.

After you.

Come on.

You know, ramone, this may not be

your finest day.

Yes... yes.

Come on.

Ramone: Patica que me tol perro?

Vatican: Carey.

Ramone: Carey? No.

Si. Si?

Vatican: Si, senora.

Ramone: No, I am senor.

Ah. The bird confess?

You will be muy contentos.

I know who k*lled the perro

and the gato.

Who?

A sea turtle.

Do you want me to get a sketch artist

or just send out an a.P.B., Harry?

This is not funny.

Ah, you're right.

It isn't funny.

A dog and a cat k*lled by a sea turtle

witnessed by a parrot.

It's not funny.

Now, listen to me...

Harry, he's right.

I'm just being absurd.

Forgive me, all of you.

Now, it was

just grief clouding your judgment, Meg.

Well, I think I'll drink at dinner tonight.

Me, too.

I know, that's what I said.

So, so we're in Morocco
doing this covert wet ops

for the French foreign legion, right?

And these guys think
they're really damned tough.

Tom, did you ever get
into it with a legionnaire?

Geez, I can't remember.

Cass, do you remember?

Oh, once, yeah.

In fact, maybe twice.

Good man, good man.

Anyway, so he's braggin' on

about how he's cut and been cut

and the next thing I know

we're down to skivvies
showing off battle scars.

Ha! No.

I love men with scars.

Really? I've got a nasty
appendectomy scar here.

Geez, there goes my beeper.

You know what..

I didn't hear it.

I keep it on vibrate.

Um, Tom

I may need your help.

Aw, come on, cass.

It's :

I'm going to the movies with Danielle.

Oh, I'm sorry, stud-man.

I hate to do this to you.

Okay, all right.

Gee, I'm sorry, Danielle. Um...

See you.

I'll see you soon.

You're an angel.

Meg?

Meg?

Meg?

Meg?

Cass, your keys.

If there's one scratch...

There won't be, I promise.

You okay?

Thank you.

And...?

And nothing.

I put it out on the radio.

Maybe one of the plain wraps will trip it.

What happened?

Lipschitz: Assailant unknown.

No forced entry, door may
or may not have been locked.

It was locked.

Lipschitz: Who else had a key?

No one.

It was just a bungled burglary.

It's happened before.

Meg, do we know everything we need to?

Yes.

Okay, well...

How about I stay the night?

I'd really enjoy that.

Tom: Okay...

How about I get out of here?

I'll go with Harry. Here.

Oh, no, take the car.

Fill it and come pick me up

in the morning.

You're in good hands.

What about Vatican?

Um... what about Vatican?

He's a material witness in a m*rder case.

Are you saying we should take Vatican

into protective custody?

I am.

The safety of this house
has been compromised.

Animal services is closed.

I've got a swell idea.

Um... why don't I take Vatican with me?

Geez... what's wrong with you?

Hasta luego, Meg.

After you.

Captain...

Is he really one of your better detectives?

Used to be.

Hey. Excuse me.

Thanks.

Vatican: Pretty boy.

What?!

What?

Oh, what a pretty boy.

What did you say to me?

I, I... I didn't say anything to you.

Such a pretty boy.

Shh! I thought you only spoke Spanish.

You saying I ain't talking English?!

Uh, no.

No, I actually...

I'm thinking of ripping your heart out

and stuffing it down your throat!

I understand every word you're saying.

You speak perfect English

and... I'll be seeing you.

Cassy: Who's this?

Oh, that's my daughter.

She left me when she was .

I haven't heard from her since.

You see, I was very
much into living my own life

and... my children were a burden.

Sarah needed that nurturing and friendship

that only exists between
a mother and a daughter.

I chose not to give it to her...

So she left.

Well, I know a little bit about that.

Why didn't you try and get her back?

She went to live with a friend's family.

I demanded that she apologize
to me before I'd let her back.

Apparently she's as stubborn as I am

because she wouldn't do it.

Do you know where she is now?

No. My son used to keep in
touch with her until he died.

I have no idea what's
happened to her since.

What about your daughter-in-law?

Maybe she knows where she is.

Carrie? No.

Maybe I could help find her.

If I could, what would you do?

I would, um...

I would beg her forgiveness.

Tom. Tom.

Tom.

Tom.

Stay.

Tom.

Oh... Danielle.

All finished inspecting the Navy?

I've always lived my life by
never asking for permission.

Only forgiveness.

So you want me to forgive
you for turning me into a herring

while you played with the seal.

Well, I've... been having a bad day.

I know it's over between us

but can we not have
one last dance together?

Well, my mother

really never taught me how to dance.

Then let me.

Fine.

Please.

Behave.

Pretty boy.

Oh...

Hey, where the hell were you this morning?

You were supposed to pick me up.

I... I'm sorry. I, I overslept.

Is ramone here yet?

Yeah, overslept, uh-huh.

With who, Danielle?

Danielle...

Easy, baby.

Tom: I'm going to eat you

for lunch, my friend... crispy style.

You let them laugh at you, Tom

meantime, you did one hell
of a job on that biker g*ng.

What biker g*ng?

Tom had a dust-up at a gas station

with a group of bikers.

Wanted on three signal s.

He raced out of there,
called us, we got 'em.

Whoa, back up. You raced out in my car?

It was nothing really.

Probably one of the slowest escapes

in the history of crime.

Lipschitz: Oh, come on.

He leads this group of
bikers on what has to be

an unbelievable chase through the city.

Meantime, he's on his cell
phone giving us his exact location.

You were leading the chase in my car?

I... no, it wasn't much
of a chase, cassy, really.

Aren't we supposed to go to Meg's?

Shh...

Tom...

Yeah?

Just how fast

was your getaway from the gas station?

Oh, I think I actually had
my foot right on the brake.

So there's nothing that
you forgot to tell about it?

No, not that I... no.

No?

Oh, geez, I thought I closed that.

Well, it's got to be hard to close

with that in the way, don't you think?

That... isn't part of the option package

on this model?

No.

Cassy: You guys finished?

Thank you.

There's not a single
print hit off of the car.

Maybe we can check the
back of the rearview mirror.

It's clean.

I think criminals are watching too much TV.

Lipschitz: Great.

Now we got the car

and no idea who was driving it.

It wasn't hot-wired, either.

Tom, get in the car.

Is the seat too close or too far?

Too close.

By how much?

I don't know, four inches?

Okay, scrunch down, look in the mirror.

Six.

Okay. So, Tom's six-two.

Minus ten, so we're looking

for a man or woman five-seven, five-eight.

Who had a key.

Somebody's lying to us.

Tom: We found the Ferrari.

Meg: Oh, well, I don't know

why I keep it.

Cassy: It was your son's?

Yes. I think I paid

more in traffic tickets for it

than it cost.

You have no idea who
might have att*cked you.

Well, as I said before, it
was probably a burglar.

Yeah.

You did say that before.

Do you have another suggestion?

We're trying to string
together the events, Meg.

First your cat dies, then your dog.

Then you're att*cked.

And somehow the...
burglar got into your house

without any sign of forced entry

and managed to get a hold of
your son's keys for the Ferrari.

Well, it must be my age.

I should have told you,
I have a terrible habit

of leaving all the keys in all my cars

so the burglar could have
taken any one of them.

Pathology report came back on Berlin.

It seems that he digested oleander leaves.

That's highly poisonous to canines.

I should have had them taken out years ago.

Buenas tardes, peoples.

Please I am not to disturbing you.

Meg: What a delight this man is.

I've hired him to inventory my art.

Well, I'm sure he'll do a good job...

As long as you frisk him before he leaves.

Vatican: Buenas noches, Carey.

No, my little amiga.

She is not a sea turtle.

She is policia.

Ramone.

What? I have taken nothing.

No, ask Vatican who k*lled Berlin.

¿Otra vez? I already have.

Just do it!

Vatican, ¿quien mato El perro?

Vatican: Carey.

See? Es verdad.

"Carey" en espanol is sea turtle.

Isn't that what you call your
daughter-in-law? Carrie?

And she knew where
the key to the Ferrari was.

I'll call a unit to pick her up.

No.

Meg...

She knows where my daughter is

and I've agreed to do what she wants.

So you will do nothing.

You're being extorted.

I'm doing this of my own free will.

How can that be extortion?

Meg... let us help you.

I thank you for all that you've done.

I have an appointment now.

Good day.

There's no warrants on Katrina rhones.

She pays her taxes.

She works part-time

as a botanical consultant.

It's not the profile of an extortionist.

Still missing something.

Why does she k*ll Meg's pets?

If Katrina knew where Meg's daughter was

why wasn't that enough to get Meg to pay?

Lipschitz: I thank you.

The city thanks you.

Your fellow officers thank you.

For what?

Meg Gordon phoned.

She is picking up the entire tab

for the communications upgrade
we have been begging for.

Well, her daughter-in-law
is blackmailing her

and she's trying to get us off her back.

If we interfere

she may change her mind.

Cass, how did Meg's son die?

I don't want to pull rank here, but I will.

Body found floating... blah, blah, blah...

"Organ failure due to
ingestion of amatoxins

specifically ibotenic acid."

Mushrooms.

Poisonous mushrooms.

Ibotenic acid is the active fatal toxin.

Who reported it?

Um, his wife... the
botanist, Katrina rhones.

Oh... so Carrie k*lled Meg's son.

Let's go pick her up.

Police!

Gone.

Okay. I'll call Harry.

Harry, it's Tom.

Yeah. Katrina's house is clean.

We're heading over to Meg's place, okay?

Hey, could you use a
little constructive criticism?

What?

You use the brakes too much.

I use the brakes too much?

Yeah, a mid-engine car like this

with this balance, is about
accelerating and decelerating

to handle the turns.

Really?

Really.

Hey, hey-hey-hey.

You want to me accelerate

or use the brakes?

Use the brakes!

Use the brakes.

Are you nuts?

Where's Sarah?

Waiting for you.

Where's the money?

Let it ring.

Have you made Sarah happy?

I have instructed my
lawyers to delete the codicil.

Sarah was very upset

that you were going to leave

your entire estate to your pets.

That's been rectified.

Now, please...

grand is a lot heavier
than I thought it would be.

Buenas noches, Carey.

It's Buenas dias, you stupid bird.

Call this number after I leave.

You know, you and I are alike, Meg.

Just average girls who know
how to dig in the right place.

Get out.

Oh, and call me after you see her.

Tell me if she's exactly
how you remembered her.

Man: Grayson and Grayson.

Oh, hello.

This is Meg Gordon.

I'd like to speak to my
daughter, Sarah, please.

But ma'am, you've called a funeral home.

Under! Under!

Ah!

Hey!

The coroner's report confirms

that the body at the funeral home

is Sarah's. She, uh...

She died of mushroom poisoning.

I'm sorry, Meg.

I so wanted to believe that she'd be back.

You want me to take you

over there?

No. I think I'll keep the
image I've always had.

I found this at Katrina's apartment.

It's Sarah's diary.

Oh, thank you.

I'll read it later.

Tom...

Harry's here.

Meg?

Oh!

Meet the new Khartoum and Berlin.

Oh, my, oh, no...

Oh, Harry!

Oh, my dear!

Oh, no...

Oh, baby...

Oh, thank you!