[ Exhales ]
You smell that?
That's the smell of spring, and I love it.
You know what I love to do in
I love it.
You know what I love to do in
spring?
You know what I love to do in
spring?
I love to come out into the
Spring?
I love to come out into the
woods to walk amongst the
I love to come out into the
woods to walk amongst the
budding trees, to smell and to
Woods to walk amongst the
budding trees, to smell and to
taste the hint of renewal that
Budding trees, to smell and to
taste the hint of renewal that
hovers in the air like a heady
Taste the hint of renewal that
hovers in the air like a heady
perfume and to listen to the
Hovers in the air like a heady
perfume and to listen to the
song of the birds who have
Perfume and to listen to the
song of the birds who have
returned from their long sojourn
Song of the birds who have
returned from their long sojourn
south and bury the people that I
Returned from their long sojourn
south and bury the people that I
k*lled during the winter.
South and bury the people that I
k*lled during the winter.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That was quite a meal there,
That was quite a meal there,
tom.
That was quite a meal there,
tom.
I think I'm gonna bust a gut.
Tom.
I think I'm gonna bust a gut.
I hope I didn't overdo it
I think I'm gonna bust a gut.
I hope I didn't overdo it
with the spices.
I hope I didn't overdo it
with the spices.
No, but I'll tell you, I bet
With the spices.
No, but I'll tell you, I bet
I pay for it later, though.
No, but I'll tell you, I bet
I pay for it later, though.
Ugh!
I pay for it later, though.
Ugh!
You don't mind, do you?
Ugh!
You don't mind, do you?
Uhhh!
You don't mind, do you?
Uhhh!
Let that whale out.
Uhhh!
Let that whale out.
Honey, please, would you
Let that whale out.
Honey, please, would you
not...
Honey, please, would you
not...
Oh, come on. Jeez.
Not...
Oh, come on. Jeez.
Politeness is for strangers on a
Oh, come on. Jeez.
Politeness is for strangers on a
train.
Politeness is for strangers on a
train.
That's true.
Train.
That's true.
Not for old friends.
That's true.
Not for old friends.
How long have we known you guys
Not for old friends.
How long have we known you guys
anyways?
How long have we known you guys
anyways?
Oh. Um...nine years...
Anyways?
Oh. Um...nine years...
If you include the year and a
Oh. Um...nine years...
If you include the year and a
half that tom spent in the coma.
If you include the year and a
half that tom spent in the coma.
The salad years, huh?
Half that tom spent in the coma.
The salad years, huh?
Nine years.
The salad years, huh?
Nine years.
Jeez, that's a long time, eh?
Nine years.
Jeez, that's a long time, eh?
God, I bet you guys wouldn't
Jeez, that's a long time, eh?
God, I bet you guys wouldn't
even mind if I hike my pants
God, I bet you guys wouldn't
even mind if I hike my pants
down a little, now, would you?
Even mind if I hike my pants
down a little, now, would you?
Oh, make yourself at home,
Down a little, now, would you?
Oh, make yourself at home,
pal.
Oh, make yourself at home,
pal.
Honey, honey, please...
Pal.
Honey, honey, please...
Hey, would you --
Honey, honey, please...
Hey, would you --
nina, would you loosen up,
Hey, would you --
nina, would you loosen up,
please?
Nina, would you loosen up,
please?
This is the peaks here, our
Please?
This is the peaks here, our
oldest friends in the world.
This is the peaks here, our
oldest friends in the world.
I mean, you guys wouldn't even
Oldest friends in the world.
I mean, you guys wouldn't even
mind if I did a little dance,
I mean, you guys wouldn't even
mind if I did a little dance,
would you?
Mind if I did a little dance,
would you?
Little bit of a dance, eh?
Would you?
Little bit of a dance, eh?
[ Laughing ]
Little bit of a dance, eh?
[ Laughing ]
♪ na na na na ♪
[ Laughing ]
♪ na na na na ♪
♪ hava nagila, hava ♪
♪ Na na na na ♪
♪ hava nagila, hava ♪
hey, whoa, whoa, what happened
♪ Hava nagila, hava ♪
hey, whoa, whoa, what happened
there?!
Hey, whoa, whoa, what happened
there?!
[ Laughing ]
There?!
[ Laughing ]
did you see that?
[ Laughing ]
did you see that?
Oh, what a guy.
Did you see that?
Oh, what a guy.
Thank god for old friends,
Oh, what a guy.
Thank god for old friends,
eh?
Thank god for old friends,
eh?
Oh, you're so right.
Eh?
Oh, you're so right.
Jeez, that's the thing of an
Oh, you're so right.
Jeez, that's the thing of an
old friend is they understand
Jeez, that's the thing of an
old friend is they understand
everything, you know.
Old friend is they understand
everything, you know.
They know you inside out.
Everything, you know.
They know you inside out.
They don't care what you do.
They know you inside out.
They don't care what you do.
That's true.
They don't care what you do.
That's true.
I mean, it's just a harmless
That's true.
I mean, it's just a harmless
peck on your wife's lips, eh,
I mean, it's just a harmless
peck on your wife's lips, eh,
tom?
Peck on your wife's lips, eh,
tom?
Ha. You bet, pal.
Tom?
Ha. You bet, pal.
Okay, honey, you're
Ha. You bet, pal.
Okay, honey, you're
embarrassing me now.
Okay, honey, you're
embarrassing me now.
I am?
Embarrassing me now.
I am?
Relax, nina. I'm fine.
I am?
Relax, nina. I'm fine.
I'm a grown woman.
Relax, nina. I'm fine.
I'm a grown woman.
Yeah, come on, nina.
I'm a grown woman.
Yeah, come on, nina.
Bram's just having us on.
Yeah, come on, nina.
Bram's just having us on.
Sure am.
Bram's just having us on.
Sure am.
I mean, what I'm having is
Sure am.
I mean, what I'm having is
having you on.
I mean, what I'm having is
having you on.
Yeah.
Having you on.
Yeah.
I mean, what else could it be
Yeah.
I mean, what else could it be
as I undo your wife's dress and
I mean, what else could it be
as I undo your wife's dress and
run my calloused carpenter's
As I undo your wife's dress and
run my calloused carpenter's
hand down her back?
Run my calloused carpenter's
hand down her back?
Feels like friendship to me.
Hand down her back?
Feels like friendship to me.
And surely -- surely we're
Feels like friendship to me.
And surely -- surely we're
all hip enough to recognize this
And surely -- surely we're
all hip enough to recognize this
as a classic burlesque of
All hip enough to recognize this
as a classic burlesque of
standard social interaction as I
As a classic burlesque of
standard social interaction as I
pick your wife up, carry her
Standard social interaction as I
pick your wife up, carry her
over to the dining room table,
Pick your wife up, carry her
over to the dining room table,
lay her down -- whoa! -- And
Over to the dining room table,
lay her down -- whoa! -- And
proceed to make love to her in a
Lay her down -- whoa! -- And
proceed to make love to her in a
way that you never had the guts
Proceed to make love to her in a
way that you never had the guts
to try.
Way that you never had the guts
to try.
Eh, buddy?
To try.
Eh, buddy?
Eh, friend?
Eh, buddy?
Eh, friend?
Huh?
Eh, friend?
Huh?
Hey, barney to my fred?
Huh?
Hey, barney to my fred?
He wanted to, but he just
Hey, barney to my fred?
He wanted to, but he just
couldn't.
He wanted to, but he just
couldn't.
He's impotent.
Couldn't.
He's impotent.
You don't mind if I tell him
He's impotent.
You don't mind if I tell him
you're impotent, do you, honey?
You don't mind if I tell him
you're impotent, do you, honey?
Mind? Why, I insist on it.
You're impotent, do you, honey?
Mind? Why, I insist on it.
Why shouldn't these good people
Mind? Why, I insist on it.
Why shouldn't these good people
know about my problems with the
Why shouldn't these good people
know about my problems with the
old dingly-dangly, eh?
Know about my problems with the
old dingly-dangly, eh?
You're next, pal.
Old dingly-dangly, eh?
You're next, pal.
[ Laughter ]
You're next, pal.
[ Laughter ]
I want you in me.
[ Laughter ]
I want you in me.
Sorry. No can do.
I want you in me.
Sorry. No can do.
Oh.
Sorry. No can do.
Oh.
Although I'd love to.
Oh.
Although I'd love to.
Oh, sure, nina, I experimented
Although I'd love to.
Oh, sure, nina, I experimented
with h*m* in college,
Oh, sure, nina, I experimented
with h*m* in college,
but then who didn't?
With h*m* in college,
but then who didn't?
Oh, and I drank human blood.
But then who didn't?
Oh, and I drank human blood.
Really?
Oh, and I drank human blood.
Really?
There -- I said it, and I
Really?
There -- I said it, and I
feel better for having said it.
There -- I said it, and I
feel better for having said it.
Good for you.
Feel better for having said it.
Good for you.
Could I get you a liqueur,
Good for you.
Could I get you a liqueur,
nina?
Could I get you a liqueur,
nina?
No.
Nina?
No.
No?
No.
No?
I don't like liqueurs!
No?
I don't like liqueurs!
No, I don't.
I don't like liqueurs!
No, I don't.
Have I been forcing you to
No, I don't.
Have I been forcing you to
drink liqueurs for nine years?
Have I been forcing you to
drink liqueurs for nine years?
And you know one other thing?
Drink liqueurs for nine years?
And you know one other thing?
What? Tell me.
And you know one other thing?
What? Tell me.
Well, do you remember that
What? Tell me.
Well, do you remember that
lamp that you gave us for
Well, do you remember that
lamp that you gave us for
christmas?
Lamp that you gave us for
christmas?
Of course I remember.
Christmas?
Of course I remember.
And we told you that we broke
Of course I remember.
And we told you that we broke
it?
And we told you that we broke
it?
And that's fine.
It?
And that's fine.
No, no, we didn't break it.
And that's fine.
No, no, we didn't break it.
We hated it.
No, no, we didn't break it.
We hated it.
We just threw it out.
We hated it.
We just threw it out.
Oh!
We just threw it out.
Oh!
[ Laughter ]
Oh!
[ Laughter ]
so you didn't like the lamp,
[ Laughter ]
so you didn't like the lamp,
is that it, nina?
So you didn't like the lamp,
is that it, nina?
Well, well, well --
Is that it, nina?
Well, well, well --
hey, honey, did you hear
Well, well, well --
hey, honey, did you hear
about the lamp?
Hey, honey, did you hear
about the lamp?
Yes, I certainly did, and
About the lamp?
Yes, I certainly did, and
suddenly I have a headache.
Yes, I certainly did, and
suddenly I have a headache.
We do have to get up early for
Suddenly I have a headache.
We do have to get up early for
work in a couple of days.
We do have to get up early for
work in a couple of days.
I mean, I mean --
Work in a couple of days.
I mean, I mean --
I guess we better be going.
I mean, I mean --
I guess we better be going.
I guess so.
I guess we better be going.
I guess so.
So, thanks for the lovely
I guess so.
So, thanks for the lovely
dinner.
So, thanks for the lovely
dinner.
Oh, well, thanks for coming
Dinner.
Oh, well, thanks for coming
over.
Oh, well, thanks for coming
over.
It was a lovely meal.
Over.
It was a lovely meal.
Stop it, nina, stop it.
It was a lovely meal.
Stop it, nina, stop it.
Haven't you done enough damage
Stop it, nina, stop it.
Haven't you done enough damage
already?
Haven't you done enough damage
already?
I'm sorry.
Already?
I'm sorry.
She just --
I'm sorry.
She just --
I mean, but the ashtrays...
She just --
I mean, but the ashtrays...
Don't make it worse.
I mean, but the ashtrays...
Don't make it worse.
Please don't make it worse.
Don't make it worse.
Please don't make it worse.
Please. We're adults.
Please don't make it worse.
Please. We're adults.
Okay, thank you.
Please. We're adults.
Okay, thank you.
I hope I --
Okay, thank you.
I hope I --
well, good night.
I hope I --
well, good night.
Well, you ruined another
Well, good night.
Well, you ruined another
dinner party.
Well, you ruined another
dinner party.
[ Sighs ]
Dinner party.
[ Sighs ]
well, I guess we have lousy
[ Sighs ]
well, I guess we have lousy
taste in lamps, honey.
Well, I guess we have lousy
taste in lamps, honey.
[ Cheers and applause ]
What do you mean you can't
What do you mean you can't
get it to me by friday?
What do you mean you can't
get it to me by friday?
Well, let me go around you and
Get it to me by friday?
Well, let me go around you and
talk to your supervisor.
Well, let me go around you and
talk to your supervisor.
Okay? I'll get myself by you
Talk to your supervisor.
Okay? I'll get myself by you
pronto.
Okay? I'll get myself by you
pronto.
What do you want for lunch?
Pronto.
What do you want for lunch?
Smelts and a coke.
What do you want for lunch?
Smelts and a coke.
Hi. Who's this?
Smelts and a coke.
Hi. Who's this?
Stan? Hang on a second.
Hi. Who's this?
Stan? Hang on a second.
I'm just writing that down.
Stan? Hang on a second.
I'm just writing that down.
S-t-a-n. Stan. Oh. Who am i?
I'm just writing that down.
S-t-a-n. Stan. Oh. Who am i?
Well, I'd just say that I'm your
S-t-a-n. Stan. Oh. Who am i?
Well, I'd just say that I'm your
worst nightmare, stan.
Well, I'd just say that I'm your
worst nightmare, stan.
I'm calling from bella's
Worst nightmare, stan.
I'm calling from bella's
trucking, see.
I'm calling from bella's
trucking, see.
You got a package of mine hung
Trucking, see.
You got a package of mine hung
up in customs, and I got to get
You got a package of mine hung
up in customs, and I got to get
it, my friend.
Up in customs, and I got to get
it, my friend.
This is what I want you to do.
It, my friend.
This is what I want you to do.
I want you to take my package
This is what I want you to do.
I want you to take my package
and move it ahead of the other
I want you to take my package
and move it ahead of the other
stuff, okay?
And move it ahead of the other
stuff, okay?
Do you follow?
Stuff, okay?
Do you follow?
My stuff goes first, all right?
Do you follow?
My stuff goes first, all right?
Oh, don't give me that.
My stuff goes first, all right?
Oh, don't give me that.
Who do you think you're dealing
Oh, don't give me that.
Who do you think you're dealing
with here?
Who do you think you're dealing
with here?
I'm a veteran in this business.
With here?
I'm a veteran in this business.
You're not just messing with
I'm a veteran in this business.
You're not just messing with
some kid.
You're not just messing with
some kid.
I'm years old.
Some kid.
I'm years old.
That's winters, my friend,
I'm years old.
That's winters, my friend,
and I survived, for god's sake.
That's winters, my friend,
and I survived, for god's sake.
Show some respect.
And I survived, for god's sake.
Show some respect.
I learned my business in the
Show some respect.
I learned my business in the
army.
I learned my business in the
army.
Yeah, in the army.
Army.
Yeah, in the army.
So don't try and tell me it
Yeah, in the army.
So don't try and tell me it
can't be done.
So don't try and tell me it
can't be done.
I've seen too much crap already.
Can't be done.
I've seen too much crap already.
I used to deliver it, as a
I've seen too much crap already.
I used to deliver it, as a
matter of fact.
I used to deliver it, as a
matter of fact.
And another thing, stan, that
Matter of fact.
And another thing, stan, that
you don't know is that I used to
And another thing, stan, that
you don't know is that I used to
do your job.
You don't know is that I used to
do your job.
Even if that is a lie, you're
Do your job.
Even if that is a lie, you're
too goddamned young to know it,
Even if that is a lie, you're
too goddamned young to know it,
all right?
Too goddamned young to know it,
all right?
So don't tell me I can't get
All right?
So don't tell me I can't get
that done, god damn it.
So don't tell me I can't get
that done, god damn it.
I'm a businessman.
That done, god damn it.
I'm a businessman.
I'm chairman of the city
I'm a businessman.
I'm chairman of the city
trucking council.
I'm chairman of the city
trucking council.
I belong to other organizations
Trucking council.
I belong to other organizations
you've never even heard of.
I belong to other organizations
you've never even heard of.
I'm a frequent flyer.
You've never even heard of.
I'm a frequent flyer.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm a frequent flyer.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm a frequent flyer.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm a frequent flyer.
I bet I could put that whole
I'm a frequent flyer.
I bet I could put that whole
g*dd*mn office of yours up for
I bet I could put that whole
g*dd*mn office of yours up for
the weekend in the sudbury
g*dd*mn office of yours up for
the weekend in the sudbury
resort and still have enough
The weekend in the sudbury
resort and still have enough
points left over to go to paris,
Resort and still have enough
points left over to go to paris,
and you're gonna tell me that
Points left over to go to paris,
and you're gonna tell me that
can't be done?
And you're gonna tell me that
can't be done?
You're gonna tell me that when
Can't be done?
You're gonna tell me that when
over women have called me
You're gonna tell me that when
over women have called me
lover and I've clove unto them
Over women have called me
lover and I've clove unto them
as the bible says?
Lover and I've clove unto them
as the bible says?
Yeah, clove un--
As the bible says?
Yeah, clove un--
yeah, I've read the bible.
Yeah, clove un--
yeah, I've read the bible.
Yes, I'm well-read.
Yeah, I've read the bible.
Yes, I'm well-read.
I look good in red.
Yes, I'm well-read.
I look good in red.
I, uh, I pay my taxes on demand.
I look good in red.
I, uh, I pay my taxes on demand.
I shook pierre trudeau's hand
I, uh, I pay my taxes on demand.
I shook pierre trudeau's hand
back in , and that's the
I shook pierre trudeau's hand
back in , and that's the
same hand that's holding this
Back in , and that's the
same hand that's holding this
phone.
Same hand that's holding this
phone.
Ha. You're goddamned right
Phone.
Ha. You're goddamned right
you'll see what you can do.
Ha. You're goddamned right
you'll see what you can do.
Okay, call me back.
You'll see what you can do.
Okay, call me back.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay, call me back.
[ Cheers and applause ]
whew.
[ Cheers and applause ]
whew.
Boy, do I need this.
Whew.
Boy, do I need this.
Today's just been nuts.
Boy, do I need this.
Today's just been nuts.
Oh-ho, tell me about it.
Today's just been nuts.
Oh-ho, tell me about it.
Yeah, but it never seems to
Oh-ho, tell me about it.
Yeah, but it never seems to
get to you.
Yeah, but it never seems to
get to you.
Oh?
Get to you.
Oh?
Yeah, you always seem so
Oh?
Yeah, you always seem so
together.
Yeah, you always seem so
together.
Well, it's like the way you tie
Together.
Well, it's like the way you tie
your bow tie.
Well, it's like the way you tie
your bow tie.
Really? What do you mean?
Your bow tie.
Really? What do you mean?
It's so perfect.
Really? What do you mean?
It's so perfect.
How do you get it like that?
It's so perfect.
How do you get it like that?
Oh, you know, the same way
How do you get it like that?
Oh, you know, the same way
anyone else does, I suppose.
Oh, you know, the same way
anyone else does, I suppose.
Yeah? I could never do it.
Anyone else does, I suppose.
Yeah? I could never do it.
Whenever I do it, it's always a
Yeah? I could never do it.
Whenever I do it, it's always a
little lopsided, you know?
Whenever I do it, it's always a
little lopsided, you know?
Well, it's not like I have
Little lopsided, you know?
Well, it's not like I have
any special powers or anything.
Well, it's not like I have
any special powers or anything.
Well, maybe I'm just in awe
Any special powers or anything.
Well, maybe I'm just in awe
of how well groomed you are.
Well, maybe I'm just in awe
of how well groomed you are.
Yeah, well, sure, but it
Of how well groomed you are.
Yeah, well, sure, but it
hardly means I'm a member of
Yeah, well, sure, but it
hardly means I'm a member of
some superintelligent raised
Hardly means I'm a member of
some superintelligent raised
with extremely advanced personal
Some superintelligent raised
with extremely advanced personal
hygiene, does it?
With extremely advanced personal
hygiene, does it?
[ Laughing ]
Hygiene, does it?
[ Laughing ]
no, I'm just a perfectly normal,
[ Laughing ]
no, I'm just a perfectly normal,
mortal human being like anyone
No, I'm just a perfectly normal,
mortal human being like anyone
else here in the office, right?
Mortal human being like anyone
else here in the office, right?
No one said you were an
Else here in the office, right?
No one said you were an
alien.
No one said you were an
alien.
What alien?
Alien.
What alien?
Oh, so you know, huh?
What alien?
Oh, so you know, huh?
All right.
Oh, so you know, huh?
All right.
Hello, control?
All right.
Hello, control?
Control, this is delphar .
Hello, control?
Control, this is delphar .
My mission is in jeopardy.
Control, this is delphar .
My mission is in jeopardy.
Destroy the planet.
My mission is in jeopardy.
Destroy the planet.
Repeat -- destroy the planet.
Destroy the planet.
Repeat -- destroy the planet.
Betty, could you hold all
Repeat -- destroy the planet.
Betty, could you hold all
calls, please?
Betty, could you hold all
calls, please?
Thanks.
Calls, please?
Thanks.
Well, delphar , would you like
Thanks.
Well, delphar , would you like
some space coffee, some space
Well, delphar , would you like
some space coffee, some space
tea, perhaps?
Some space coffee, some space
tea, perhaps?
I think we've run out of space
Tea, perhaps?
I think we've run out of space
sugar, but betty could hop in
I think we've run out of space
sugar, but betty could hop in
the shuttle and get us some in
Sugar, but betty could hop in
the shuttle and get us some in
the space store.
The shuttle and get us some in
the space store.
No, I'm fine, thanks.
The space store.
No, I'm fine, thanks.
I'm fine.
No, I'm fine, thanks.
I'm fine.
How was planet earth?
I'm fine.
How was planet earth?
Fine.
How was planet earth?
Fine.
So, is there something you'd
Fine.
So, is there something you'd
like to tell me?
So, is there something you'd
like to tell me?
No.
Like to tell me?
No.
Something you'd like to get
No.
Something you'd like to get
off your chest?
Something you'd like to get
off your chest?
Something you've done recently?
Off your chest?
Something you've done recently?
I can't think of anything.
Something you've done recently?
I can't think of anything.
No. No, you can't.
I can't think of anything.
No. No, you can't.
Have you read my memo?
No. No, you can't.
Have you read my memo?
Actually, I just got back.
Have you read my memo?
Actually, I just got back.
I really haven't had the
Actually, I just got back.
I really haven't had the
opportunity.
I really haven't had the
opportunity.
Actually, there is a
Opportunity.
Actually, there is a
little something in it.
Actually, there is a
little something in it.
I don't know why I'm
Little something in it.
I don't know why I'm
bothering to bring it up.
I don't know why I'm
bothering to bring it up.
Which one?
Bothering to bring it up.
Which one?
Yes, yes, this is it.
Which one?
Yes, yes, this is it.
Word is you destroyed planet
Yes, yes, this is it.
Word is you destroyed planet
earth.
Word is you destroyed planet
earth.
And apparently, this is the th
Earth.
And apparently, this is the th
one this month.
And apparently, this is the th
one this month.
And, well, they're a little
One this month.
And, well, they're a little
worried upstairs.
And, well, they're a little
worried upstairs.
You know those bigwigs.
Worried upstairs.
You know those bigwigs.
They're wondering if you're cut
You know those bigwigs.
They're wondering if you're cut
out for this particular
They're wondering if you're cut
out for this particular
surveillance job.
Out for this particular
surveillance job.
And, oh, oh, when I hired you, I
Surveillance job.
And, oh, oh, when I hired you, I
stressed that this was a
And, oh, oh, when I hired you, I
stressed that this was a
surveillance job and not a
Stressed that this was a
surveillance job and not a
planet-destroying job.
Surveillance job and not a
planet-destroying job.
Was it my fault?
Planet-destroying job.
Was it my fault?
Was it me?
Was it my fault?
Was it me?
Did I not make it clear?
Was it me?
Did I not make it clear?
Have there been complaints
Did I not make it clear?
Have there been complaints
about my work, is that it?
Have there been complaints
about my work, is that it?
Uh, no.
About my work, is that it?
Uh, no.
No, there haven't been any
Uh, no.
No, there haven't been any
complaints.
No, there haven't been any
complaints.
No. Anyone who might have
Complaints.
No. Anyone who might have
complained has been blown up.
No. Anyone who might have
complained has been blown up.
You see the problem?
Complained has been blown up.
You see the problem?
Well, I'm not here to win any
You see the problem?
Well, I'm not here to win any
popularity contests.
Well, I'm not here to win any
popularity contests.
Oh, you haven't.
Popularity contests.
Oh, you haven't.
You haven't.
Oh, you haven't.
You haven't.
Oh, no, far from it.
You haven't.
Oh, no, far from it.
As a matter of fact, I
Oh, no, far from it.
As a matter of fact, I
believe --
As a matter of fact, I
believe --
yes, yes, you are dead last on
Believe --
yes, yes, you are dead last on
my popularity list.
Yes, yes, you are dead last on
my popularity list.
I think it's the planet
My popularity list.
I think it's the planet
destroying.
I think it's the planet
destroying.
It isn't going over very, very
Destroying.
It isn't going over very, very
well with the people upstairs.
It isn't going over very, very
well with the people upstairs.
But I want you to know if you
Well with the people upstairs.
But I want you to know if you
have any personal problems, you
But I want you to know if you
have any personal problems, you
could talk to me.
Have any personal problems, you
could talk to me.
What are you getting at?
Could talk to me.
What are you getting at?
You think I'm hiding something?
What are you getting at?
You think I'm hiding something?
I'm not hiding anything from
You think I'm hiding something?
I'm not hiding anything from
you.
I'm not hiding anything from
you.
I wouldn't hide things from you.
You.
I wouldn't hide things from you.
I don't know whether you think
I wouldn't hide things from you.
I don't know whether you think
I'm a double agent from another
I don't know whether you think
I'm a double agent from another
planet.
I'm a double agent from another
planet.
Double agent?
Planet.
Double agent?
So you know.
Double agent?
So you know.
I haven't got a clue.
So you know.
I haven't got a clue.
Haven't got a clue.
I haven't got a clue.
Haven't got a clue.
Control, control, this is
Haven't got a clue.
Control, control, this is
delphar .
Control, control, this is
delphar .
Destroy planet.
Delphar .
Destroy planet.
Oh, shi-i-i-i-t!
Destroy planet.
Oh, shi-i-i-i-t!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, shi-i-i-i-t!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ hey, man, this is the
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ hey, man, this is the
best-looking man in the world ♪
♪ Hey, man, this is the
best-looking man in the world ♪
♪ mip, map mop and a brim, bram
Best-looking man in the world ♪
♪ mip, map mop and a brim, bram
broom
♪ Mip, map mop and a brim, bram
broom
and clim, clam, clean up the
Broom
and clim, clam, clean up the
rim, ram room
And clim, clam, clean up the
rim, ram room
'cause your bim, bam baby's
Rim, ram room
'cause your bim, bam baby's
comin' home tonight ♪
'Cause your bim, bam baby's
comin' home tonight ♪
♪ get my slim, slam slippers and
Comin' home tonight ♪
♪ get my slim, slam slippers and
my easy chair
♪ Get my slim, slam slippers and
my easy chair
run your flim, flam fingers
My easy chair
run your flim, flam fingers
through my greasy hair
Run your flim, flam fingers
through my greasy hair
and kiss me, baby
Through my greasy hair
and kiss me, baby
let me hold you tight ♪
And kiss me, baby
let me hold you tight ♪
♪ I've been north and south and
Let me hold you tight ♪
♪ I've been north and south and
east and west
♪ I've been north and south and
east and west
but even a honeybee needs some
East and west
but even a honeybee needs some
rest
But even a honeybee needs some
rest
when I get my jacket and my
Rest
when I get my jacket and my
trousers pressed, I'm gonna
When I get my jacket and my
trousers pressed, I'm gonna
follow the swallow right back to
Trousers pressed, I'm gonna
follow the swallow right back to
the nest ♪
Follow the swallow right back to
the nest ♪
♪ don't you whim, wham, worry if
The nest ♪
♪ don't you whim, wham, worry if
my train is late
♪ Don't you whim, wham, worry if
my train is late
I'm gonna shim, sham, shuffle on
My train is late
I'm gonna shim, sham, shuffle on
a frim, fram freight
I'm gonna shim, sham, shuffle on
a frim, fram freight
'cause your bim, bam baby's
A frim, fram freight
'cause your bim, bam baby's
shakin' home tonight ♪
'Cause your bim, bam baby's
shakin' home tonight ♪
♪ slim, slam, bim, bam,
Shakin' home tonight ♪
♪ slim, slam, bim, bam,
flim, flam, rim, ram ♪
♪ Slim, slam, bim, bam,
flim, flam, rim, ram ♪
♪ shoop do wap do do ow do do
Flim, flam, rim, ram ♪
♪ shoop do wap do do ow do do
wah ♪
♪ Shoop do wap do do ow do do
wah ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
Wah ♪
[ cheers and applause ]
dr. Davis, telephone please.
[ Cheers and applause ]
dr. Davis, telephone please.
Dr. Davis, telephone please.
Dr. Davis, telephone please.
Dr. Davis, telephone please.
[ Sighs in disgust ]
Dr. Davis, telephone please.
[ Sighs in disgust ]
you want to know something?
[ Sighs in disgust ]
you want to know something?
I'm a bad doctor.
You want to know something?
I'm a bad doctor.
I'm not boasting.
I'm a bad doctor.
I'm not boasting.
I mean, who would?
I'm not boasting.
I mean, who would?
I'm just stating a fact.
I mean, who would?
I'm just stating a fact.
I've never really gotten the
I'm just stating a fact.
I've never really gotten the
hang of the whole "healing the
I've never really gotten the
hang of the whole "healing the
sick" thing.
Hang of the whole "healing the
sick" thing.
And don't interpret this as
Sick" thing.
And don't interpret this as
false modesty, please.
And don't interpret this as
false modesty, please.
It's not.
False modesty, please.
It's not.
It's not like I'm weak in some
It's not.
It's not like I'm weak in some
areas.
It's not like I'm weak in some
areas.
No, I'm h*m*
Areas.
No, I'm h*m*
unqualified to practice medicine
No, I'm h*m*
unqualified to practice medicine
in any capacity.
Unqualified to practice medicine
in any capacity.
I really don't have a clue.
In any capacity.
I really don't have a clue.
And no one could be more shocked
I really don't have a clue.
And no one could be more shocked
than me that I've been allowed
And no one could be more shocked
than me that I've been allowed
to rise to a position of such
Than me that I've been allowed
to rise to a position of such
importance and responsibility.
To rise to a position of such
importance and responsibility.
I guess it all started in high
Importance and responsibility.
I guess it all started in high
school where I was a very bad
I guess it all started in high
school where I was a very bad
science student.
School where I was a very bad
science student.
One day when we were supposed to
Science student.
One day when we were supposed to
be dissecting a frog, I
One day when we were supposed to
be dissecting a frog, I
accidentally disassembled my
Be dissecting a frog, I
accidentally disassembled my
desk.
Accidentally disassembled my
desk.
Oh, but, you know, I was a
Desk.
Oh, but, you know, I was a
popular kid.
Oh, but, you know, I was a
popular kid.
The other students were always
Popular kid.
The other students were always
very eager to help me out.
The other students were always
very eager to help me out.
So, during a test whenever I'd
Very eager to help me out.
So, during a test whenever I'd
get that confused look on my
So, during a test whenever I'd
get that confused look on my
face, which was invariably,
Get that confused look on my
face, which was invariably,
well, the cheat notes would just
Face, which was invariably,
well, the cheat notes would just
start flying.
Well, the cheat notes would just
start flying.
Even the teachers would start
Start flying.
Even the teachers would start
whispering answers.
Even the teachers would start
whispering answers.
[ Coughs ] mitochondria.
Whispering answers.
[ Coughs ] mitochondria.
But I didn't worry about it.
[ Coughs ] mitochondria.
But I didn't worry about it.
I figured, "how far can you
But I didn't worry about it.
I figured, "how far can you
coast on charm?"
I figured, "how far can you
coast on charm?"
Well, pretty far, actually.
Coast on charm?"
Well, pretty far, actually.
They just offered me the job of
Well, pretty far, actually.
They just offered me the job of
chief of surgery.
They just offered me the job of
chief of surgery.
Apparently, I've logged more
Chief of surgery.
Apparently, I've logged more
hours in surgery than any other
Apparently, I've logged more
hours in surgery than any other
man my age -- , hours this
Hours in surgery than any other
man my age -- , hours this
year alone.
Man my age -- , hours this
year alone.
What no one seems to have
Year alone.
What no one seems to have
noticed is that it was all with
What no one seems to have
noticed is that it was all with
the same patient.
Noticed is that it was all with
the same patient.
Oh, I want to show you
The same patient.
Oh, I want to show you
something.
Oh, I want to show you
something.
You know what this is?
Something.
You know what this is?
Urine.
You know what this is?
Urine.
Another man's urine.
Urine.
Another man's urine.
I asked for it, and they give it
Another man's urine.
I asked for it, and they give it
to me.
I asked for it, and they give it
to me.
I don't know what to do with it.
To me.
I don't know what to do with it.
I've got a fridge full of this
I don't know what to do with it.
I've got a fridge full of this
stuff.
I've got a fridge full of this
stuff.
I mean, I suppose I could send
Stuff.
I mean, I suppose I could send
it out to the lab, but they'd
I mean, I suppose I could send
it out to the lab, but they'd
only send back a lot of test
It out to the lab, but they'd
only send back a lot of test
results I couldn't possibly
Only send back a lot of test
results I couldn't possibly
understand.
Results I couldn't possibly
understand.
The only thing I'm actually sort
Understand.
The only thing I'm actually sort
of good at is referrals.
The only thing I'm actually sort
of good at is referrals.
You know that thing where
Of good at is referrals.
You know that thing where
doctors send patients to other
You know that thing where
doctors send patients to other
doctors?
Doctors send patients to other
doctors?
Well, I'm the king of referrals.
Doctors?
Well, I'm the king of referrals.
What I do is I call the, uh, the
Well, I'm the king of referrals.
What I do is I call the, uh, the
sick person into my office and I
What I do is I call the, uh, the
sick person into my office and I
stare for a long time really
Sick person into my office and I
stare for a long time really
seriously at this blank sheet of
Stare for a long time really
seriously at this blank sheet of
paper.
Seriously at this blank sheet of
paper.
Then I say, "hmm, I'd like you
Paper.
Then I say, "hmm, I'd like you
to see someone.
Then I say, "hmm, I'd like you
to see someone.
He's a specialist in this area."
To see someone.
He's a specialist in this area."
There are specialists who have
He's a specialist in this area."
There are specialists who have
their whole career based on my
There are specialists who have
their whole career based on my
referrals.
Their whole career based on my
referrals.
I am the cornerstone of a
Referrals.
I am the cornerstone of a
medical empire.
I am the cornerstone of a
medical empire.
[ Sighs ]
Medical empire.
[ Sighs ]
well, I really should be going.
[ Sighs ]
well, I really should be going.
I got to tell the family that
Well, I really should be going.
I got to tell the family that
the patient didn't make it.
I got to tell the family that
the patient didn't make it.
It's the hardest part of being a
The patient didn't make it.
It's the hardest part of being a
doctor...
It's the hardest part of being a
doctor...
I think.
Doctor...
I think.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I think.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'll tell you one thing --
[ Cheers and applause ]
I'll tell you one thing --
stan larson and his cronies are
I'll tell you one thing --
stan larson and his cronies are
not gonna drive yours truly into
Stan larson and his cronies are
not gonna drive yours truly into
an early grave.
Not gonna drive yours truly into
an early grave.
Of course not, dear.
An early grave.
Of course not, dear.
I mean, I may not have a
Of course not, dear.
I mean, I may not have a
college degree or a beautiful
I mean, I may not have a
college degree or a beautiful
wife or a talented kid, but I
College degree or a beautiful
wife or a talented kid, but I
got my family.
Wife or a talented kid, but I
got my family.
Your family, dear.
Got my family.
Your family, dear.
Pass the salt, will you?
Your family, dear.
Pass the salt, will you?
In a minute.
Pass the salt, will you?
In a minute.
I gotta do another set of .
In a minute.
I gotta do another set of .
Bob, would you pass your
I gotta do another set of .
Bob, would you pass your
father the salt?
Bob, would you pass your
father the salt?
Do you really need so much salt?
Father the salt?
Do you really need so much salt?
Yes, I like flavor!
Do you really need so much salt?
Yes, I like flavor!
Hon, you know how your father
Yes, I like flavor!
Hon, you know how your father
loves his flavor.
Hon, you know how your father
loves his flavor.
Pass him the salt.
Loves his flavor.
Pass him the salt.
All right.
Pass him the salt.
All right.
As soon as I do the other arm.
All right.
As soon as I do the other arm.
Pass the salt, family!
As soon as I do the other arm.
Pass the salt, family!
And after dinner, take out
Pass the salt, family!
And after dinner, take out
the garbage.
And after dinner, take out
the garbage.
All right, I'll take out the
The garbage.
All right, I'll take out the
garbage.
All right, I'll take out the
garbage.
When?
Garbage.
When?
Soon.
When?
Soon.
Well, "soon" isn't marked on
Soon.
Well, "soon" isn't marked on
the clock, bob.
Well, "soon" isn't marked on
the clock, bob.
If you're such a weight
The clock, bob.
If you're such a weight
lifter, how come you can't lift
If you're such a weight
lifter, how come you can't lift
some garbage, huh?
Lifter, how come you can't lift
some garbage, huh?
I will.
Some garbage, huh?
I will.
All right, take the garbage.
I will.
All right, take the garbage.
I am.
All right, take the garbage.
I am.
Have you got the garbage?
I am.
Have you got the garbage?
Yeah.
Have you got the garbage?
Yeah.
Bob, I think you forgot about
Yeah.
Bob, I think you forgot about
that garbage.
Bob, I think you forgot about
that garbage.
I don't think he took it.
That garbage.
I don't think he took it.
Pass the food.
I don't think he took it.
Pass the food.
I used too much salt.
Pass the food.
I used too much salt.
My name is bobby terrance,
I used too much salt.
My name is bobby terrance,
and this is my story.
My name is bobby terrance,
and this is my story.
Taking crap from my parents is
And this is my story.
Taking crap from my parents is
my life, but excellence in the
Taking crap from my parents is
my life, but excellence in the
face of rock is my creed.
My life, but excellence in the
face of rock is my creed.
I was rocking out in the garage
Face of rock is my creed.
I was rocking out in the garage
one afternoon, experimenting
I was rocking out in the garage
one afternoon, experimenting
with what I call sound shapes.
One afternoon, experimenting
with what I call sound shapes.
Little did I realize that
With what I call sound shapes.
Little did I realize that
afternoon that fate had booked
Little did I realize that
afternoon that fate had booked
my services for the roughest
Afternoon that fate had booked
my services for the roughest
task of my young life.
My services for the roughest
task of my young life.
The gig -- defeat the devil.
Task of my young life.
The gig -- defeat the devil.
[ Evil laughter ]
The gig -- defeat the devil.
[ Evil laughter ]
hello, bobby.
[ Evil laughter ]
hello, bobby.
I thought I'd drop by.
Hello, bobby.
I thought I'd drop by.
To what do I owe this
I thought I'd drop by.
To what do I owe this
pleasure, satan?
To what do I owe this
pleasure, satan?
[ Laughs ]
Pleasure, satan?
[ Laughs ]
bobby terrance, I have been
[ Laughs ]
bobby terrance, I have been
listening to your music in hell.
Bobby terrance, I have been
listening to your music in hell.
You are the strongest guitar
Listening to your music in hell.
You are the strongest guitar
player I have ever seen.
You are the strongest guitar
player I have ever seen.
Oh, really?
Player I have ever seen.
Oh, really?
Yes. I must defeat you before
Oh, really?
Yes. I must defeat you before
you form a band.
Yes. I must defeat you before
you form a band.
Well, then, let's...
You form a band.
Well, then, let's...
[ Strums guitar ]
Well, then, let's...
[ Strums guitar ]
rock.
[ Strums guitar ]
rock.
It is so written, so now let
Rock.
It is so written, so now let
it be played.
It is so written, so now let
it be played.
Nerf, no, hyuh, bleh.
It be played.
Nerf, no, hyuh, bleh.
[ Rock music plays ]
Nerf, no, hyuh, bleh.
[ Rock music plays ]
[ tuning guitar ]
[ Rock music plays ]
[ tuning guitar ]
♪ mi mi mi mi ♪
[ Tuning guitar ]
♪ mi mi mi mi ♪
very crafty.
♪ Mi mi mi mi ♪
very crafty.
[ Rock music continues ]
I decided to start with the
I decided to start with the
holy trinity of rock.
I decided to start with the
holy trinity of rock.
[ "Smoke on the water" plays ]
Holy trinity of rock.
[ "Smoke on the water" plays ]
♪ e, a, b ♪
[ "Smoke on the water" plays ]
♪ e, a, b ♪
♪ e, a, b, a ♪
♪ E, a, b ♪
♪ e, a, b, a ♪
♪ e, a, b, e, a, e, a ♪
♪ E, a, b, a ♪
♪ e, a, b, e, a, e, a ♪
[ rock music continues ]
♪ E, a, b, e, a, e, a ♪
[ rock music continues ]
♪ e, a, b ♪
[ Rock music continues ]
♪ e, a, b ♪
♪ e, a, b, a ♪
♪ E, a, b ♪
♪ e, a, b, a ♪
♪ e, a, b, e, a ♪
I am the front man of evil,
I am the front man of evil,
bobby.
I am the front man of evil,
bobby.
Like david and goliath, so
Bobby.
Like david and goliath, so
too bobby and the devil.
Like david and goliath, so
too bobby and the devil.
David had a stone, but i...
Too bobby and the devil.
David had a stone, but i...
I have a wah wah pedal.
David had a stone, but i...
I have a wah wah pedal.
No, no, no, no.
I have a wah wah pedal.
No, no, no, no.
No.
No, no, no, no.
No.
Useless!
No.
Useless!
Useless!
Useless!
Useless!
No guitar mercy!
Ooh. Smutty.
Ooh. Smutty.
[ Music stops ]
Bobby...i love you.
Bobby...i love you.
Why don't you unplug your amp
Bobby...i love you.
Why don't you unplug your amp
and let me...
Why don't you unplug your amp
and let me...
k*ll.
And let me...
k*ll.
...kiss you.
k*ll.
...kiss you.
No, I'm seeing someone.
...kiss you.
No, I'm seeing someone.
I know you were looking at
No, I'm seeing someone.
I know you were looking at
me, bobby.
I know you were looking at
me, bobby.
[ Whirring ]
Me, bobby.
[ Whirring ]
[ groans ]
[ Whirring ]
[ groans ]
damn you, bobby.
[ Groans ]
damn you, bobby.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Crying ]
[ Crying ]
bob.
[ Crying ]
bob.
What?
Bob.
What?
This is garbage, which you
What?
This is garbage, which you
forgot to take out.
This is garbage, which you
forgot to take out.
I'm gonna take out the
Forgot to take out.
I'm gonna take out the
garbage.
I'm gonna take out the
garbage.
Fine.
Garbage.
Fine.
Where should I put it, then?
Fine.
Where should I put it, then?
I don't know.
Where should I put it, then?
I don't know.
Why don't you put it out by the
I don't know.
Why don't you put it out by the
garbage?
Why don't you put it out by the
garbage?
Fine.
Garbage?
Fine.
So you know where it is.
Fine.
So you know where it is.
Don't forget to take it out,
So you know where it is.
Don't forget to take it out,
mister.
Don't forget to take it out,
mister.
[ Rock music plays ]
Mister.
[ Rock music plays ]
I guess I just earned my
[ Rock music plays ]
I guess I just earned my
place in rock-'n'-roll heaven by
I guess I just earned my
place in rock-'n'-roll heaven by
sending satan back to
Place in rock-'n'-roll heaven by
sending satan back to
rock-'n'-roll hell.
Sending satan back to
rock-'n'-roll hell.
[ Cheers and applause ]
02x01 - Episode 1
Watch/Buy Amazon
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.