02x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

All right, people.

All right, people.
People, can we quiet down,

All right, people.
People, can we quiet down,
please?

People, can we quiet down,
please?
All right.

Please?
All right.
We all know why we're here.

All right.
We all know why we're here.
And I assume you're all as

We all know why we're here.
And I assume you're all as
excited as am i.

And I assume you're all as
excited as am i.
We're here, of course, for the

Excited as am i.
We're here, of course, for the
reading of mr. Thomas piper's

We're here, of course, for the
reading of mr. Thomas piper's
new novel.

Reading of mr. Thomas piper's
new novel.
Now, this is his second novel

New novel.
Now, this is his second novel
and his first in years.

Now, this is his second novel
and his first in years.
His first novel, of course,

And his first in years.
His first novel, of course,
being "the grains of sand of

His first novel, of course,
being "the grains of sand of
time of destiny," a novel which

Being "the grains of sand of
time of destiny," a novel which
turned the literary world,

Time of destiny," a novel which
turned the literary world,
literally, on its ear.

Turned the literary world,
literally, on its ear.
That was very similar to a joke.

Literally, on its ear.
That was very similar to a joke.
I wonder how that got in my

That was very similar to a joke.
I wonder how that got in my
brain.

I wonder how that got in my
brain.
Anyway, let's welcome

Brain.
Anyway, let's welcome
mr. Thomas piper, please.

Anyway, let's welcome
mr. Thomas piper, please.
Thank you.

Mr. Thomas piper, please.
Thank you.
I'm sure it comes as no surprise

Thank you.
I'm sure it comes as no surprise
to anyone that following the

I'm sure it comes as no surprise
to anyone that following the
success of my first novel I fell

To anyone that following the
success of my first novel I fell
victim to what is commonly

Success of my first novel I fell
victim to what is commonly
referred to as a "writer's

Victim to what is commonly
referred to as a "writer's
block."

Referred to as a "writer's
block."
Now, there are two ways one can

Block."
Now, there are two ways one can
deal with this condition.

Now, there are two ways one can
deal with this condition.
One, ignore it.

Deal with this condition.
One, ignore it.
Forget it. It's over.

One, ignore it.
Forget it. It's over.
Stop writing.

Forget it. It's over.
Stop writing.
Two, write through it.

Stop writing.
Two, write through it.
I chose to do the latter because

Two, write through it.
I chose to do the latter because
writers write.

I chose to do the latter because
writers write.
I'm a writer.

Writers write.
I'm a writer.
I would now like to read to you

I'm a writer.
I would now like to read to you
from my novel.

I would now like to read to you
from my novel.
It is semiautobiographical,

From my novel.
It is semiautobiographical,
based on my experience over the

It is semiautobiographical,
based on my experience over the
past years in trying to write

Based on my experience over the
past years in trying to write
this book.

Past years in trying to write
this book.
"The heavy pen."

This book.
"The heavy pen."
Chapter one.

"The heavy pen."
Chapter one.
"The night fell like...

Chapter one.
"The night fell like...
Uh...uh...

"The night fell like...
Uh...uh...
Oh...

Uh...uh...
Oh...
Let's see.

Oh...
Let's see.
Like, um, um, um, um...

Let's see.
Like, um, um, um, um...
Ooh...

Like, um, um, um, um...
Ooh...
Ooh...

Ooh...
Ooh...
Oh, the night can fall so many

Ooh...
Oh, the night can fall so many
ways.

Oh, the night can fall so many
ways.
Well, um, well, um -- I know.

Ways.
Well, um, well, um -- I know.
Write what you know.

Well, um, well, um -- I know.
Write what you know.
Write what you know.

Write what you know.
Write what you know.
What do I know?

Write what you know.
What do I know?
What do I know?

What do I know?
What do I know?
I don't know anything.

What do I know?
I don't know anything.
Oh, lunchtime."

I don't know anything.
Oh, lunchtime."
Chapter two.

Oh, lunchtime."
Chapter two.
"Um, um, um, come on. Come on.

Chapter two.
"Um, um, um, come on. Come on.
Um, use a writer's trick."

Ah. We made it.

Ah. We made it.
That's more than I can say

Ah. We made it.
That's more than I can say
for that security guard.

That's more than I can say
for that security guard.
Boom!

For that security guard.
Boom!
He was asking for it.

Boom!
He was asking for it.
Yeah, but still, he is a

He was asking for it.
Yeah, but still, he is a
human being.

Yeah, but still, he is a
human being.
No, not a human being.

Human being.
No, not a human being.
Just a highly developed animal

No, not a human being.
Just a highly developed animal
in a security guard uniform.

Just a highly developed animal
in a security guard uniform.
No better or no worse than...

In a security guard uniform.
No better or no worse than...
A rat.

No better or no worse than...
A rat.
Actually, worse.

A rat.
Actually, worse.
Would a rat work for minimum

Actually, worse.
Would a rat work for minimum
wage and wear a stupid purple

Would a rat work for minimum
wage and wear a stupid purple
uniform voluntarily?

Wage and wear a stupid purple
uniform voluntarily?
Right.

Uniform voluntarily?
Right.
Right.

Right.
Right.
[ Roaring ]

Right.
[ Roaring ]
what was that?

[ Roaring ]
what was that?
George the baboon.

What was that?
George the baboon.
He's obviously in pain.

George the baboon.
He's obviously in pain.
Let's go free him.

He's obviously in pain.
Let's go free him.
Wait, shona.

Let's go free him.
Wait, shona.
First let's go over the plan.

Wait, shona.
First let's go over the plan.
There is no plan, ozone.

First let's go over the plan.
There is no plan, ozone.
Right.

There is no plan, ozone.
Right.
Forget the plan.

Right.
Forget the plan.
Let's go!

Forget the plan.
Let's go!
Ha!

Let's go!
Ha!
[ All shouting ]

Ha!
[ All shouting ]
[ roaring ]

[ All shouting ]
[ roaring ]
aah! Get him!

[ Roaring ]
aah! Get him!
Aah! Ooh!

Aah! Get him!
Aah! Ooh!
Oh! Aah!

Aah! Ooh!
Oh! Aah!
[ All coughing ]

Oh! Aah!
[ All coughing ]
god. What a reek.

[ All coughing ]
god. What a reek.
Oh, yeah.

God. What a reek.
Oh, yeah.
Did you see his ass?

Oh, yeah.
Did you see his ass?
I thought he'd be a lot

Did you see his ass?
I thought he'd be a lot
happier to see us.

I thought he'd be a lot
happier to see us.
But a baboon!

Happier to see us.
But a baboon!
It's, like, all ass!

But a baboon!
It's, like, all ass!
Yes.

It's, like, all ass!
Yes.
My friends, I see this is going

Yes.
My friends, I see this is going
to be harder than I anticipated.

My friends, I see this is going
to be harder than I anticipated.
We're going to need a plan.

To be harder than I anticipated.
We're going to need a plan.
Yes.

We're going to need a plan.
Yes.
Axel, first you put him in a

Yes.
Axel, first you put him in a
bag.

Axel, first you put him in a
bag.
All right.

Bag.
All right.
But let's knock him out first.

All right.
But let's knock him out first.
Yes.

But let's knock him out first.
Yes.
Better yet, let's k*ll him.

Yes.
Better yet, let's k*ll him.
Yes.

Better yet, let's k*ll him.
Yes.
Let's k*ll him.

Yes.
Let's k*ll him.
Yes.

Let's k*ll him.
Yes.
No.

Yes.
No.
No.

No.
No.
No.

No.
No.
Let us remember why we are

No.
Let us remember why we are
here.

Let us remember why we are
here.
Right.

Here.
Right.
To free george the baboon

Right.
To free george the baboon
from the clutches of the shampoo

To free george the baboon
from the clutches of the shampoo
and lipstick overlords.

From the clutches of the shampoo
and lipstick overlords.
Alive!

And lipstick overlords.
Alive!
Right.

Alive!
Right.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Right.
[ Cheers and applause ]
let's go!

[ Cheers and applause ]
let's go!
Ha!

Let's go!
Ha!
[ All shouting ]

Ha!
[ All shouting ]
[ roaring ]

[ All shouting ]
[ roaring ]
oh! Aah!

[ Roaring ]
oh! Aah!
[ Breathing heavily ]

Oh! Aah!
[ Breathing heavily ]
I move we abort the mission.

[ Breathing heavily ]
I move we abort the mission.
There'll be no aborting while

I move we abort the mission.
There'll be no aborting while
I'm in charge.

There'll be no aborting while
I'm in charge.
Are we to abandon our simian

I'm in charge.
Are we to abandon our simian
brother just because he throws

Are we to abandon our simian
brother just because he throws
food and has a tricolored ass?

Brother just because he throws
food and has a tricolored ass?
My immediate impulse is to

Food and has a tricolored ass?
My immediate impulse is to
say yes!

My immediate impulse is to
say yes!
Shona, can you not think of

Say yes!
Shona, can you not think of
his ass as the american flag?

Shona, can you not think of
his ass as the american flag?
Well, then, I would want to

His ass as the american flag?
Well, then, I would want to
burn it.

Well, then, I would want to
burn it.
Right on, sister!

Burn it.
Right on, sister!
[ Cheers and applause ]

Right on, sister!
[ Cheers and applause ]
fine.

[ Cheers and applause ]
fine.
Then I will go it alone, as I

Fine.
Then I will go it alone, as I
did to marineland.

Then I will go it alone, as I
did to marineland.
Let's go!

Did to marineland.
Let's go!
Ha!

Let's go!
Ha!
[ Growling ]

Ha!
[ Growling ]
god!

[ Growling ]
god!
[ Roaring ]

God!
[ Roaring ]
[ breathing heavily ]

[ Roaring ]
[ breathing heavily ]
he was playing with himself.

[ Breathing heavily ]
he was playing with himself.
Oh.

He was playing with himself.
Oh.
Oh.

Oh.
Oh.
Isn't that just like a man?

Oh.
Isn't that just like a man?
I vote we abort this mission,

Isn't that just like a man?
I vote we abort this mission,
return to our nonsmoking

I vote we abort this mission,
return to our nonsmoking
household, and not smoke!

Return to our nonsmoking
household, and not smoke!
I second the motion.

Household, and not smoke!
I second the motion.
Shall we tell our friends

I second the motion.
Shall we tell our friends
that we have failed?

Shall we tell our friends
that we have failed?
Yes!

That we have failed?
Yes!
Yes.

Yes.
No.
No.

No.
No.
No.

No.
No.
Look.

No.
Look.
Look!

Look.
Look!
Where?

Look!
Where?
There. That cat.

Where?
There. That cat.
It's obviously overfed.

There. That cat.
It's obviously overfed.
The bastards!

It's obviously overfed.
The bastards!
We will liberate it and put

The bastards!
We will liberate it and put
it on a diet.

We will liberate it and put
it on a diet.
Right.

It on a diet.
Right.
Freedom!

Right.
Freedom!
Victory!

Freedom!
Victory!
Let's go!

Victory!
Let's go!
Freedom!

Let's go!
Freedom!
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]
excuse me.

[ Laughter ]
excuse me.
Yes, sir?

Excuse me.
Yes, sir?
I seem to have lost my hair.

Yes, sir?
I seem to have lost my hair.
Yes. I can see that.

I seem to have lost my hair.
Yes. I can see that.
No.

Yes. I can see that.
No.
I mean just now.

No.
I mean just now.
Oh, I see.

I mean just now.
Oh, I see.
You've lost your wig.

Oh, I see.
You've lost your wig.
No.

You've lost your wig.
No.
When I came in here, I had a

No.
When I came in here, I had a
full head of hair, and when I

When I came in here, I had a
full head of hair, and when I
got up to leave, I was bald.

Full head of hair, and when I
got up to leave, I was bald.
Did you check your table,

Got up to leave, I was bald.
Did you check your table,
sir?

Did you check your table,
sir?
Yes, I did.

Sir?
Yes, I did.
It's not there.

Yes, I did.
It's not there.
Benny.

It's not there.
Benny.
Yes?

Benny.
Yes?
Did you bus table four?

Yes?
Did you bus table four?
Yes.

Did you bus table four?
Yes.
Did you happen to see this

Yes.
Did you happen to see this
gentleman's hair?

Did you happen to see this
gentleman's hair?
No. I didn't see any hair.

Gentleman's hair?
No. I didn't see any hair.
If it was on the table, I'm

No. I didn't see any hair.
If it was on the table, I'm
sure it's in the garbage by now.

If it was on the table, I'm
sure it's in the garbage by now.
Follow me.

Is this your hair?

Is this your hair?
Oh, it's so hard to say.

Is this your hair?
Oh, it's so hard to say.
I'm so used to seeing it on my

Oh, it's so hard to say.
I'm so used to seeing it on my
head.

I'm so used to seeing it on my
head.
Then try it on.

Head.
Then try it on.
Hmm!

Then try it on.
Hmm!
Whoa.

Hmm!
Whoa.
Yes.

Whoa.
Yes.
Yeah.

Yes.
Yeah.
Oh, yes, sir.

Yeah.
Oh, yes, sir.
No.

Oh, yes, sir.
No.
No.

No.
No.
This isn't my hair.

No.
This isn't my hair.
Mnh-mnh.

This isn't my hair.
Mnh-mnh.
Then I guess it's not here.

Mnh-mnh.
Then I guess it's not here.
Perhaps I should speak to the

Then I guess it's not here.
Perhaps I should speak to the
manager.

Perhaps I should speak to the
manager.
Yes, perhaps you should speak

Manager.
Yes, perhaps you should speak
to the manager.

Yes, perhaps you should speak
to the manager.
Right this way, sir.

To the manager.
Right this way, sir.
Sir, this gentleman would like a

Right this way, sir.
Sir, this gentleman would like a
word.

Sir, this gentleman would like a
word.
Yes. It's about my hair.

Word.
Yes. It's about my hair.
Oh?

Yes. It's about my hair.
Oh?
I seem to have lost it in

Oh?
I seem to have lost it in
your restaurant.

I seem to have lost it in
your restaurant.
Are you, um, sure that you

Your restaurant.
Are you, um, sure that you
lost it here?

Are you, um, sure that you
lost it here?
Pretty sure.

Lost it here?
Pretty sure.
Well, sir, unless you can

Pretty sure.
Well, sir, unless you can
establish that you definitely

Well, sir, unless you can
establish that you definitely
lost your hair on these

Establish that you definitely
lost your hair on these
premises, there's really nothing

Lost your hair on these
premises, there's really nothing
I can do for you.

Premises, there's really nothing
I can do for you.
Christ. Look at the time.

I can do for you.
Christ. Look at the time.
That looks like...

Christ. Look at the time.
That looks like...
Hey! My hair!

That looks like...
Hey! My hair!
[ Both grunting ]

Of course, I won't be eating

Of course, I won't be eating
here again.

Of course, I won't be eating
here again.
All right.

Here again.
All right.
Back to work, people.

All right.
Back to work, people.
Yes?

Back to work, people.
Yes?
Now I know where my goatee

Yes?
Now I know where my goatee
went.

Now I know where my goatee
went.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Well, I think that's all my

Well, I think that's all my
stuff.

Well, I think that's all my
stuff.
But if you do find my sofa bed,

Stuff.
But if you do find my sofa bed,
I'd appreciate it if you'd let

But if you do find my sofa bed,
I'd appreciate it if you'd let
me know.

I'd appreciate it if you'd let
me know.
It just disappeared.

Me know.
It just disappeared.
Right.

It just disappeared.
Right.
Jeremy?

Right.
Jeremy?
Yeah?

Jeremy?
Yeah?
Isn't it great to be single

Yeah?
Isn't it great to be single
again?

Isn't it great to be single
again?
Oh, yeah.

Again?
Oh, yeah.
I feel good about breaking up.

Oh, yeah.
I feel good about breaking up.
Do you feel good about it?

I feel good about breaking up.
Do you feel good about it?
I feel great about it.

Do you feel good about it?
I feel great about it.
Good.

I feel great about it.
Good.
I think it's smart that we never

Good.
I think it's smart that we never
did anything stupid like get

I think it's smart that we never
did anything stupid like get
married, you know?

Did anything stupid like get
married, you know?
Yeah, 'cause then we would've

Married, you know?
Yeah, 'cause then we would've
done something stupid like have

Yeah, 'cause then we would've
done something stupid like have
children.

Done something stupid like have
children.
What a disaster that would've

Children.
What a disaster that would've
been.

What a disaster that would've
been.
You, a father.

Been.
You, a father.
[ Laughs ]

You, a father.
[ Laughs ]
so, uh, are you still

[ Laughs ]
so, uh, are you still
planning on having kids one day?

So, uh, are you still
planning on having kids one day?
Oh, I'm sure I'll have a

Planning on having kids one day?
Oh, I'm sure I'll have a
family one day when I meet a

Oh, I'm sure I'll have a
family one day when I meet a
mature partner, yeah.

Family one day when I meet a
mature partner, yeah.
Well, you better hurry up.

Mature partner, yeah.
Well, you better hurry up.
I'm only .

Well, you better hurry up.
I'm only .
Yeah, I know. I know.

I'm only .
Yeah, I know. I know.
Still. Tick, tick, tick.

Yeah, I know. I know.
Still. Tick, tick, tick.
Right.

Still. Tick, tick, tick.
Right.
Jeremy, I was just thinking

Right.
Jeremy, I was just thinking
something kind of interesting.

Jeremy, I was just thinking
something kind of interesting.
Isn't it interesting to think

Something kind of interesting.
Isn't it interesting to think
that you'll never have this

Isn't it interesting to think
that you'll never have this
again?

That you'll never have this
again?
That won't ever make love to

Again?
That won't ever make love to
this again.

That won't ever make love to
this again.
You've had it for the last time.

This again.
You've had it for the last time.
You can look, but that's it.

You've had it for the last time.
You can look, but that's it.
Just thought that was kind of

You can look, but that's it.
Just thought that was kind of
interesting.

Just thought that was kind of
interesting.
I don't find that that

Interesting.
I don't find that that
interesting, no.

I don't find that that
interesting, no.
Still. Going, going, gone.

Interesting, no.
Still. Going, going, gone.
History. Bye.

Still. Going, going, gone.
History. Bye.
Yeah.

History. Bye.
Yeah.
I should go, 'cause I'm giving

Yeah.
I should go, 'cause I'm giving
golf lessons tonight to a

I should go, 'cause I'm giving
golf lessons tonight to a
singles group called

Golf lessons tonight to a
singles group called
pit of women.

Singles group called
pit of women.
Better be off.

Pit of women.
Better be off.
Wish me luck.

Better be off.
Wish me luck.
I bet I get laid before you

Wish me luck.
I bet I get laid before you
do.

I bet I get laid before you
do.
Really?

Do.
Really?
I bet you don't.

Really?
I bet you don't.
Well, I beg to differ.

I bet you don't.
Well, I beg to differ.
Well, I'd be surprised if I

Well, I beg to differ.
Well, I'd be surprised if I
didn't get laid three times this

Well, I'd be surprised if I
didn't get laid three times this
week.

Didn't get laid three times this
week.
Now that I think of it, at least

Week.
Now that I think of it, at least
three times.

Now that I think of it, at least
three times.
I bet I get laid twice in the

Three times.
I bet I get laid twice in the
next six hours.

I bet I get laid twice in the
next six hours.
Sounds like the race is on.

Next six hours.
Sounds like the race is on.
Yeah, I guess it is.

Sounds like the race is on.
Yeah, I guess it is.
On your mark, get set, go.

Yeah, I guess it is.
On your mark, get set, go.
Bye, stud. [ Laughs ]

On your mark, get set, go.
Bye, stud. [ Laughs ]
wait. I almost forgot.

Bye, stud. [ Laughs ]
wait. I almost forgot.
I want to send you an artist's

Wait. I almost forgot.
I want to send you an artist's
rendering of me satisfying women

I want to send you an artist's
rendering of me satisfying women
of all types.

Rendering of me satisfying women
of all types.
Where should I send that?

Of all types.
Where should I send that?
Should I send that, uh, here or

Where should I send that?
Should I send that, uh, here or
to your office?

Should I send that, uh, here or
to your office?
Why don't you send that to

To your office?
Why don't you send that to
your best friend's house, where

Why don't you send that to
your best friend's house, where
I'll be up on top of him?

Your best friend's house, where
I'll be up on top of him?
Are you saying that just to

I'll be up on top of him?
Are you saying that just to
make me angry?

Are you saying that just to
make me angry?
No, no, no! No.

Make me angry?
No, no, no! No.
No, no.

No, no, no! No.
No, no.
No, no, I'm not.

No, no.
No, no, I'm not.
Okay.

No, no, I'm not.
Okay.
I should leave, 'cause I'm

Okay.
I should leave, 'cause I'm
starting to get angry, and I

I should leave, 'cause I'm
starting to get angry, and I
don't know why.

Starting to get angry, and I
don't know why.
Okay. Bye.

Don't know why.
Okay. Bye.
Oh, jeremy.

Okay. Bye.
Oh, jeremy.
This is silly.

Oh, jeremy.
This is silly.
Come on. Give me a goodbye hug.

This is silly.
Come on. Give me a goodbye hug.
Come on.

Come on. Give me a goodbye hug.
Come on.
Come on.

Come on.
Come on.
All right.

Come on.
All right.
Thanks for a great relationship.

All right.
Thanks for a great relationship.
Thank you.

Thanks for a great relationship.
Thank you.
[ Moaning ]

Thank you.
[ Moaning ]
penny for your thought.

[ Moaning ]
penny for your thought.
Sex.

Penny for your thought.
Sex.
It's got to be quick, 'cause

Sex.
It's got to be quick, 'cause
I've got some calls to make.

It's got to be quick, 'cause
I've got some calls to make.
Me too.

I've got some calls to make.
Me too.
[ Cheers and applause ]

I love nature.

I love nature.
I especially love the animal

I love nature.
I especially love the animal
kingdom.

I especially love the animal
kingdom.
Oh, look. A wood nymph.

Kingdom.
Oh, look. A wood nymph.
Mm.

Oh, look. A wood nymph.
Mm.
Now, that's something you don't

Mm.
Now, that's something you don't
see every day.

Now, that's something you don't
see every day.
Well, I do.

See every day.
Well, I do.
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Telephone ringing ]

[ Telephone ringing ]
[ exhales deeply ]

[ Telephone ringing ]
[ exhales deeply ]
good night, denny.

[ Exhales deeply ]
good night, denny.
See you monday.

Good night, denny.
See you monday.
Oh, you're going home?

See you monday.
Oh, you're going home?
Yeah, I thought I might.

Oh, you're going home?
Yeah, I thought I might.
Why? You going to sleep here?

Yeah, I thought I might.
Why? You going to sleep here?
No.

Why? You going to sleep here?
No.
I meant 'cause it's : and you

No.
I meant 'cause it's : and you
haven't started cleaning your

I meant 'cause it's : and you
haven't started cleaning your
desk yet.

Haven't started cleaning your
desk yet.
Oh, I see.

Desk yet.
Oh, I see.
You were making a joke.

Oh, I see.
You were making a joke.
Okay. Okay.

You were making a joke.
Okay. Okay.
Very good.

Okay. Okay.
Very good.
Very good.

Very good.
Very good.
So you're, uh, not going home?

Very good.
So you're, uh, not going home?
Yeah. I just said so.

So you're, uh, not going home?
Yeah. I just said so.
Oh, right.

Yeah. I just said so.
Oh, right.
Okay. Good night.

Oh, right.
Okay. Good night.
Good night.

Good night.

Good night.
See ya.

Good night.
See ya.
I'm joking.

Good night.

Good night.
I'm joking!

Ahh. The weekend.

Ahh. The weekend.
[ Rock music playing ]

Ahh. The weekend.
[ Rock music playing ]
so, I actually leaned out of the

[ Rock music playing ]
so, I actually leaned out of the
window and yelled, "good night."

So, I actually leaned out of the
window and yelled, "good night."
I mean, this is five stories up,

Window and yelled, "good night."
I mean, this is five stories up,
too, you know?

I mean, this is five stories up,
too, you know?
Oh, it was hilarious.

Too, you know?
Oh, it was hilarious.
And tom, he didn't know what to

Oh, it was hilarious.
And tom, he didn't know what to
do.

And tom, he didn't know what to
do.
Wow.

Do.
Wow.
Did he yell anything back?

Wow.
Did he yell anything back?
No!

Did he yell anything back?
No!
How could he?

No!
How could he?
There's nothing you can say.

How could he?
There's nothing you can say.
[ Thinking ] I'll say.

There's nothing you can say.
[ Thinking ] I'll say.
What an incredibly bad anecdote.

[ Thinking ] I'll say.
What an incredibly bad anecdote.
Thank god I've got this food to

What an incredibly bad anecdote.
Thank god I've got this food to
eat.

Thank god I've got this food to
eat.
[ Thinking ] gee.

Eat.
[ Thinking ] gee.
I really miss my old beanbag

[ Thinking ] gee.
I really miss my old beanbag
chair.

I really miss my old beanbag
chair.
I wonder what happened to it.

Chair.
I wonder what happened to it.
Good old beanie.

I wonder what happened to it.
Good old beanie.
[ Coughs ]

Good old beanie.
[ Coughs ]
hey, do you remember beanbag

[ Coughs ]
hey, do you remember beanbag
chairs?

Hey, do you remember beanbag
chairs?
[ Slurring ] oh, yes, I do.

Chairs?
[ Slurring ] oh, yes, I do.
Oh, they were great.

[ Slurring ] oh, yes, I do.
Oh, they were great.
They're so comfy...table.

Oh, they were great.
They're so comfy...table.
[ Laughs ]

They're so comfy...table.
[ Laughs ]
that is great.

[ Laughs ]
that is great.
So I lean out the window, and I

That is great.
So I lean out the window, and I
see him, and I yell, "good

So I lean out the window, and I
see him, and I yell, "good
night."

See him, and I yell, "good
night."
And he sees me.

Night."
And he sees me.
And he kind of looks up.

And he sees me.
And he kind of looks up.
And he waves.

And he kind of looks up.
And he waves.
[ Laughs ]

And he waves.
[ Laughs ]
oh, yeah.

[ Laughs ]
oh, yeah.
He waves.

Oh, yeah.
He waves.
I couldn't believe it.

He waves.
I couldn't believe it.
No way.

I couldn't believe it.
No way.
Mm-hmm.

No way.
Mm-hmm.
No, that could never happen.

Mm-hmm.
No, that could never happen.
You're lying.

No, that could never happen.
You're lying.
Okay.

You're lying.
Okay.
Men are such liars.

Okay.
Men are such liars.
Yeah, I'm a liar.

Men are such liars.
Yeah, I'm a liar.
Okay. Here. Take this.

Yeah, I'm a liar.
Okay. Here. Take this.
I'm gonna call tom.

Okay. Here. Take this.
I'm gonna call tom.
And when he answers, I want you

I'm gonna call tom.
And when he answers, I want you
to say, "good night."

And when he answers, I want you
to say, "good night."
This is gonna be great.

To say, "good night."
This is gonna be great.
[ Telephone ringing ]

This is gonna be great.
[ Telephone ringing ]
say, "good night."

[ Telephone ringing ]
say, "good night."
Hello?

Say, "good night."
Hello?
Good night.

Hello?
Good night.
Yes! Yes!

Good night.
Yes! Yes!
Beauty.

Yes! Yes!
Beauty.
[ Laughs ]

Beauty.
[ Laughs ]
he hung up.

[ Laughs ]
he hung up.
[ Both laugh ]

He hung up.
[ Both laugh ]
I guess you were right.

[ Both laugh ]
I guess you were right.
I told you. [ Laughs ]

I guess you were right.
I told you. [ Laughs ]
oh, god. That was great.

I told you. [ Laughs ]
oh, god. That was great.
I find a sense of humor so

Oh, god. That was great.
I find a sense of humor so
sexy.

I find a sense of humor so
sexy.
I find you so funny.

Sexy.
I find you so funny.
[ Both breathing heavily ]

I find you so funny.
[ Both breathing heavily ]
[ cheers and applause ]

[ Bell rings ]

[ Bell rings ]
hi, kids. Hi. How are you?

[ Bell rings ]
hi, kids. Hi. How are you?
Good afternoon.

Hi, kids. Hi. How are you?
Good afternoon.
I'm gonna be your new english

Good afternoon.
I'm gonna be your new english
teacher this year.

I'm gonna be your new english
teacher this year.
And my name is

Teacher this year.
And my name is
mr. Theodore barons.

And my name is
mr. Theodore barons.
But I want you all to call me...

Mr. Theodore barons.
But I want you all to call me...
Theo.

But I want you all to call me...
Theo.
Huh?

Theo.
Huh?
'Cause that's what my friends

Huh?
'Cause that's what my friends
call me, and that's what I want

'Cause that's what my friends
call me, and that's what I want
us to be -- friends.

Call me, and that's what I want
us to be -- friends.
Okay?

Us to be -- friends.
Okay?
So I'm just gonna relax, all

Okay?
So I'm just gonna relax, all
right?

So I'm just gonna relax, all
right?
Tell you what.

Right?
Tell you what.
I'm gonna loosen this noose a

I'm gonna loosen this noose a
little.
In fact, I'm gonna take it right

Little.
In fact, I'm gonna take it right
off.

In fact, I'm gonna take it right
off.
'Cause there's no ties in this

Off.
'Cause there's no ties in this
classroom.

'Cause there's no ties in this
classroom.
What do you say?

Classroom.
What do you say?
No ties in this classroom.

What do you say?
No ties in this classroom.
Huh?

No ties in this classroom.
Huh?
Great.

Huh?
Great.
Okay.

Great.
Okay.
Let's get to know each other.

Okay.
Let's get to know each other.
Let's rap, okay?

Let's get to know each other.
Let's rap, okay?
Uh, you.

Let's rap, okay?
Uh, you.
Why don't you tell us something

Uh, you.
Why don't you tell us something
about yourself?

Why don't you tell us something
about yourself?
Uh, well, my name's larry --

About yourself?
Uh, well, my name's larry --
bullshit!

Uh, well, my name's larry --
bullshit!
That's right.

Bullshit!
That's right.
I said, "bullshit."

That's right.
I said, "bullshit."
'Cause that's what that was.

I said, "bullshit."
'Cause that's what that was.
That's what I'm gonna call it

'Cause that's what that was.
That's what I'm gonna call it
whenever I hear bullshit.

That's what I'm gonna call it
whenever I hear bullshit.
I expect the same courtesy from

Whenever I hear bullshit.
I expect the same courtesy from
all of you whenever I talk

I expect the same courtesy from
all of you whenever I talk
bullshit.

All of you whenever I talk
bullshit.
Now, larry may be the name your

Bullshit.
Now, larry may be the name your
parents gave you.

Now, larry may be the name your
parents gave you.
But that doesn't make it your

Parents gave you.
But that doesn't make it your
name.

But that doesn't make it your
name.
You should pick a name that's

Name.
You should pick a name that's
right for who you are.

You should pick a name that's
right for who you are.
Pick a name, larry.

Right for who you are.
Pick a name, larry.
What name do you want to have?

Pick a name, larry.
What name do you want to have?
Uh, well, I've always liked

What name do you want to have?
Uh, well, I've always liked
barry.

Uh, well, I've always liked
barry.
Barry it is.

Barry.
Barry it is.
Class, meet barry.

Barry it is.
Class, meet barry.
Bullshit.

Class, meet barry.
Bullshit.
Isn't that bullshit?

Bullshit.
Isn't that bullshit?
I think it's bullshit.

Isn't that bullshit?
I think it's bullshit.
Bullshit.

I think it's bullshit.
Bullshit.
[ Chanting ] bullshit. Bullshit.

Bullshit.
[ Chanting ] bullshit. Bullshit.
Bullshit.

[ Chanting ] bullshit. Bullshit.
Bullshit.
Fair enough.

Bullshit.
Fair enough.
Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!

Fair enough.
Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!
Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!

Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!
Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!
Silence, people!

Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!
Silence, people!
Oh, wow.

Silence, people!
Oh, wow.
I'm sorry.

Oh, wow.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to cop to the

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to cop to the
authority thing.

I didn't mean to cop to the
authority thing.
It's just I've been under a lot

Authority thing.
It's just I've been under a lot
of stress lately.

It's just I've been under a lot
of stress lately.
I...i've recently gone through

Of stress lately.
I...i've recently gone through
kind of an ugly divorce.

I...i've recently gone through
kind of an ugly divorce.
You know, my -- my wife and i,

Kind of an ugly divorce.
You know, my -- my wife and i,
we had sort of a -- you know, an

You know, my -- my wife and i,
we had sort of a -- you know, an
open relationship.

We had sort of a -- you know, an
open relationship.
And, uh, I could never quite

Open relationship.
And, uh, I could never quite
find the right time or the right

And, uh, I could never quite
find the right time or the right
words to tell her that we did.

Find the right time or the right
words to tell her that we did.
So anyway, when she found out

Words to tell her that we did.
So anyway, when she found out
about our little understanding

So anyway, when she found out
about our little understanding
quite by accident one night,

About our little understanding
quite by accident one night,
well, I guess you can understand

Quite by accident one night,
well, I guess you can understand
this has left me a little bit

Well, I guess you can understand
this has left me a little bit
scarred.

This has left me a little bit
scarred.
Is anyone here gay?

Scarred.
Is anyone here gay?
Anyone in the class gay?

Is anyone here gay?
Anyone in the class gay?
Anyone?

Anyone in the class gay?
Anyone?
Do we have any gay students?

Anyone?
Do we have any gay students?
'Cause, I mean, it's one in .

Do we have any gay students?
'Cause, I mean, it's one in .
The odds are somebody here is

'Cause, I mean, it's one in .
The odds are somebody here is
gay.

The odds are somebody here is
gay.
What? No one here is gay?

Gay.
What? No one here is gay?
No one at all?

What? No one here is gay?
No one at all?
Well, that seems pretty odd.

No one at all?
Well, that seems pretty odd.
Let's have a look here.

Well, that seems pretty odd.
Let's have a look here.
Um...

Let's have a look here.
Um...
What about you, steven?

Um...
What about you, steven?
Aren't you gay?

What about you, steven?
Aren't you gay?
No, I'm not, theo.

Aren't you gay?
No, I'm not, theo.
Come on, steve. It's okay.

No, I'm not, theo.
Come on, steve. It's okay.
I-i'm not, gay, theo.

Come on, steve. It's okay.
I-i'm not, gay, theo.
But please don't scream,

I-i'm not, gay, theo.
But please don't scream,
"bullshit" at me.

But please don't scream,
"bullshit" at me.
Steven, everybody here knows

"Bullshit" at me.
Steven, everybody here knows
that you're gay.

Steven, everybody here knows
that you're gay.
But I'm not.

That you're gay.
But I'm not.
I'm not gay.

But I'm not.
I'm not gay.
I know what your problem is.

I'm not gay.
I know what your problem is.
You're worried about how these

I know what your problem is.
You're worried about how these
people are gonna respond.

You're worried about how these
people are gonna respond.
You're worried about maybe

People are gonna respond.
You're worried about maybe
losing friends.

You're worried about maybe
losing friends.
Maybe your girlfriend.

Losing friends.
Maybe your girlfriend.
Isn't that right, linda?

Maybe your girlfriend.
Isn't that right, linda?
I had no idea.

Isn't that right, linda?
I had no idea.
Linda, I'm not gay!

I had no idea.
Linda, I'm not gay!
Let's not drag this out,

Linda, I'm not gay!
Let's not drag this out,
steven.

Let's not drag this out,
steven.
Or should I say stéphane?

Steven.
Or should I say stéphane?
Linda, you're doing the right

Or should I say stéphane?
Linda, you're doing the right
thing.

Linda, you're doing the right
thing.
You've got to let steven go.

Thing.
You've got to let steven go.
Let him find himself.

You've got to let steven go.
Let him find himself.
Let him come to terms with his

Let him find himself.
Let him come to terms with his
own sexuality.

Let him come to terms with his
own sexuality.
But I'm not gay, theo.

Own sexuality.
But I'm not gay, theo.
And, linda, I know how hard

But I'm not gay, theo.
And, linda, I know how hard
this is gonna be for you.

And, linda, I know how hard
this is gonna be for you.
I know that you might find

This is gonna be for you.
I know that you might find
yourself some night confused,

I know that you might find
yourself some night confused,
lonely, needy, drunk in front of

Yourself some night confused,
lonely, needy, drunk in front of
my house at number beacon

Lonely, needy, drunk in front of
my house at number beacon
street, searching for someone

My house at number beacon
street, searching for someone
older who can make you feel like

Street, searching for someone
older who can make you feel like
a woman.

Older who can make you feel like
a woman.
But, linda, I have a rule.

A woman.
But, linda, I have a rule.
I never sleep with a woman

But, linda, I have a rule.
I never sleep with a woman
unless she's at least .

I never sleep with a woman
unless she's at least .
Or a very mature .

Unless she's at least .
Or a very mature .
But, linda, don't pressure me.

Or a very mature .
But, linda, don't pressure me.
'Cause I'll cave in, linda.

But, linda, don't pressure me.
'Cause I'll cave in, linda.
I'll give in.

'Cause I'll cave in, linda.
I'll give in.
Linda, please, I'm beggin' you.

I'll give in.
Linda, please, I'm beggin' you.
♪ Don't stand ♪

Linda, please, I'm beggin' you.
♪ Don't stand ♪
♪ don't stand so close to me ♪

♪ Don't stand ♪
♪ don't stand so close to me ♪
'cause I'll cave in, linda.

♪ Don't stand so close to me ♪
'cause I'll cave in, linda.
'Cause yeah, I'm weak.

'Cause I'll cave in, linda.
'Cause yeah, I'm weak.
I'm weak like any other man.

'Cause yeah, I'm weak.
I'm weak like any other man.
I'm just a human, right?

I'm weak like any other man.
I'm just a human, right?
I drink a little.

I'm just a human, right?
I drink a little.
Yeah!

I drink a little.
Yeah!
Yeah!

Yeah!
Yeah!
I've smoked pot.

Yeah!
I've smoked pot.
All right!

I've smoked pot.
All right!
I've tried heroin.

All right!
I've tried heroin.
A few times, yeah.

I've tried heroin.
A few times, yeah.
And, class, what I'm really

A few times, yeah.
And, class, what I'm really
trying to do now is I'm

And, class, what I'm really
trying to do now is I'm
really, really, trying hard to

Trying to do now is I'm
really, really, trying hard to
cut down on the number of times

Really, really, trying hard to
cut down on the number of times
that I try heroin.

Cut down on the number of times
that I try heroin.
In a day.

That I try heroin.
In a day.
Hey, you know what I'm gonna do

In a day.
Hey, you know what I'm gonna do
right now?

Hey, you know what I'm gonna do
right now?
I'm just gonna get under my desk

Right now?
I'm just gonna get under my desk
for a few minutes.

I'm just gonna get under my desk
for a few minutes.
And while I'm there, what do you

For a few minutes.
And while I'm there, what do you
say we listen to a little, uh, a

And while I'm there, what do you
say we listen to a little, uh, a
little rock-'n'-roll music?

Say we listen to a little, uh, a
little rock-'n'-roll music?
Because, you know, lyrics are

Little rock-'n'-roll music?
Because, you know, lyrics are
just poetry set to music.

Because, you know, lyrics are
just poetry set to music.
Did you know that?

Just poetry set to music.
Did you know that?
It's valid. Okay.

Did you know that?
It's valid. Okay.
And while I'm there, linda,

It's valid. Okay.
And while I'm there, linda,
would you mind joining me?

And while I'm there, linda,
would you mind joining me?
There's something I'd like to

Would you mind joining me?
There's something I'd like to
talk to you about.

There's something I'd like to
talk to you about.
It could be school-related.

Talk to you about.
It could be school-related.
Maybe n-notes or marks.

It could be school-related.
Maybe n-notes or marks.
Something. I don't know.

Maybe n-notes or marks.
Something. I don't know.
Well, if it's about my

Something. I don't know.
Well, if it's about my
marks...

Well, if it's about my
marks...
Linda, I'm not gay!

Marks...
Linda, I'm not gay!
And I'm not angry, steven.

Linda, I'm not gay!
And I'm not angry, steven.
[ Rock music playing ]

And I'm not angry, steven.
[ Rock music playing ]
does anybody here have, like,

[ Rock music playing ]
does anybody here have, like,
a lighter I could borrow?

Does anybody here have, like,
a lighter I could borrow?
Yeah. Yo.

A lighter I could borrow?
Yeah. Yo.
Thanks.

Yeah. Yo.
Thanks.
Uh, this is bullshit, theo.

Thanks.
Uh, this is bullshit, theo.
Right.

Uh, this is bullshit, theo.
Right.
Sit down, f*g.

Right.
Sit down, f*g.
I'm not gay. I'm not gay.

Sit down, f*g.
I'm not gay. I'm not gay.
[ Cheers and applause ]