Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Ye-e-e-e-p.
Yep.
Ye-e-e-e-p.
Yep.
Ye-e-e-e-p.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Yep.
Ladies and gentlemen,
♪ he's gonna give away $, ♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
♪ he's gonna give away $, ♪
♪ someone's gonna get $, ♪
♪ He's gonna give away $, ♪
♪ someone's gonna get $, ♪
♪ who do you think's gonna get
♪ Someone's gonna get $, ♪
♪ who do you think's gonna get
$,? ♪
♪ Who do you think's gonna get
$,? ♪
♪ Could be you ♪
$,? ♪
♪ Could be you ♪
♪ or it could be you ♪
♪ Could be you ♪
♪ or it could be you ♪
♪ 'cause... ♪
♪ Or it could be you ♪
♪ 'cause... ♪
♪ Someone's gonna get $, ♪
♪ 'Cause... ♪
♪ Someone's gonna get $, ♪
♪ who do you think's gonna get
♪ Someone's gonna get $, ♪
♪ who do you think's gonna get
$,? ♪
♪ Who do you think's gonna get
$,? ♪
♪ He's gonna give away $, ♪
$,? ♪
♪ He's gonna give away $, ♪
yep.
♪ He's gonna give away $, ♪
yep.
Oh!
Yep.
Oh!
♪ You're gonna get $, ♪
Oh!
♪ You're gonna get $, ♪
♪ he just gave you $, ♪
♪ You're gonna get $, ♪
♪ he just gave you $, ♪
count it up!
♪ He just gave you $, ♪
count it up!
Yep!
Count it up!
Yep!
Thanks!
Yep!
Thanks!
Yeah.
Thanks!
Yeah.
Yep.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
Uh-oh.
Yep.
Uh-oh.
♪ Someone's gonna get
Uh-oh.
♪ Someone's gonna get
a punch in the head ♪
♪ Someone's gonna get
a punch in the head ♪
♪ who do you think's gonna get
A punch in the head ♪
♪ who do you think's gonna get
a punch in the head? ♪
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
man, sometimes I hate being a
[ Sighs ]
man, sometimes I hate being a
cop.
Man, sometimes I hate being a
cop.
How come?
Cop.
How come?
[ Scoffs ]
How come?
[ Scoffs ]
my car.
Okay, now keep your eyes
Okay, now keep your eyes
closed, mr. Cherry.
Okay, now keep your eyes
closed, mr. Cherry.
I'm very, very excited.
Closed, mr. Cherry.
I'm very, very excited.
Okay, now watch the step.
I'm very, very excited.
Okay, now watch the step.
I think you're going to
Okay, now watch the step.
I think you're going to
really love what I've done with
I think you're going to
really love what I've done with
your living room.
Really love what I've done with
your living room.
Okay, now, open your eyes and
Your living room.
Okay, now, open your eyes and
look at this.
Okay, now, open your eyes and
look at this.
Yes.
Look at this.
Yes.
Remember that this is
Yes.
Remember that this is
before...
Remember that this is
before...
Okay.
Before...
Okay.
...and this is after.
Okay.
...and this is after.
Huh?
...and this is after.
Huh?
Well, what do you think, huh?
Huh?
Well, what do you think, huh?
Well, I think it's exactly
Well, what do you think, huh?
Well, I think it's exactly
the same.
Well, I think it's exactly
the same.
Yeah, it's exactly the same.
The same.
Yeah, it's exactly the same.
So what I'm wondering is -- why
Yeah, it's exactly the same.
So what I'm wondering is -- why
I'm paying you?
So what I'm wondering is -- why
I'm paying you?
Uh-huh.
I'm paying you?
Uh-huh.
You don't like it.
Uh-huh.
You don't like it.
Oh, no.
You don't like it.
Oh, no.
I like it.
Oh, no.
I like it.
I like it fine.
I like it.
I like it fine.
That's why I kept it this way
I like it fine.
That's why I kept it this way
for seven years.
That's why I kept it this way
for seven years.
Ah.
For seven years.
Ah.
But when I paid you to change
Ah.
But when I paid you to change
it, I expect you to change it.
But when I paid you to change
it, I expect you to change it.
Change, change, change,
It, I expect you to change it.
Change, change, change,
change.
Change, change, change,
change.
Cherry wants a change.
Change.
Cherry wants a change.
You know, there is a change,
Cherry wants a change.
You know, there is a change,
mr. Cherry, but it's very
You know, there is a change,
mr. Cherry, but it's very
subtle.
Mr. Cherry, but it's very
subtle.
It's not a question of where
Subtle.
It's not a question of where
you look.
It's not a question of where
you look.
It's more of a question of how
You look.
It's more of a question of how
you look.
It's more of a question of how
you look.
You are doomed!
You look.
You are doomed!
Forsake all hope!
You are doomed!
Forsake all hope!
Huh?
Forsake all hope!
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
Huh?
What is it?
Huh?
What is it?
Well, what is it?
What is it?
Well, what is it?
It's a demon.
Well, what is it?
It's a demon.
That's what it is.
It's a demon.
That's what it is.
Don't you love it?
That's what it is.
Don't you love it?
Well, jeez...
Don't you love it?
Well, jeez...
Kind of expected something more
Well, jeez...
Kind of expected something more
like...track lighting?
Kind of expected something more
like...track lighting?
Track lighting.
Like...track lighting?
Track lighting.
Track lighting, mr. Cherry.
Track lighting.
Track lighting, mr. Cherry.
Oh, we can get you
Track lighting, mr. Cherry.
Oh, we can get you
track lighting.
Oh, we can get you
track lighting.
I'll just have to hop in my
Track lighting.
I'll just have to hop in my
time machine and set it for
I'll just have to hop in my
time machine and set it for
.
Time machine and set it for
.
Look, I don't want a demon in
.
Look, I don't want a demon in
my house.
Look, I don't want a demon in
my house.
You don't want a demon?
My house.
You don't want a demon?
Is that because it adds too
You don't want a demon?
Is that because it adds too
much flare?
Is that because it adds too
much flare?
Too much pizzazz?
Much flare?
Too much pizzazz?
Too much color?
Too much pizzazz?
Too much color?
Separates you, paul cherry,
Too much color?
Separates you, paul cherry,
from the common herd?
Separates you, paul cherry,
from the common herd?
Mr. Cherry, this demon, as you
From the common herd?
Mr. Cherry, this demon, as you
so disparagingly described it,
Mr. Cherry, this demon, as you
so disparagingly described it,
takes this room and changes
So disparagingly described it,
takes this room and changes
it from a place where one sits,
Takes this room and changes
it from a place where one sits,
passively watching television,
It from a place where one sits,
passively watching television,
to a space where one does battle
Passively watching television,
to a space where one does battle
with the dark forces.
To a space where one does battle
with the dark forces.
And it's an antique.
With the dark forces.
And it's an antique.
Oh, an antique.
And it's an antique.
Oh, an antique.
Yes.
Oh, an antique.
Yes.
Paul cherry, your head is a
Yes.
Paul cherry, your head is a
boil!
Paul cherry, your head is a
boil!
You suck worms!
Boil!
You suck worms!
I hate your feet!
You suck worms!
I hate your feet!
You don't like?
I hate your feet!
You don't like?
No, no, I like.
You don't like?
No, no, I like.
I like fine.
No, no, I like.
I like fine.
Very good, very good.
I like fine.
Very good, very good.
Oh, good.
Very good, very good.
Oh, good.
Then red ants shall devour your
Oh, good.
Then red ants shall devour your
eyes while snakes constrict your
Then red ants shall devour your
eyes while snakes constrict your
bowels and a burning, flaking
Eyes while snakes constrict your
bowels and a burning, flaking
rash shall form all over your --
Bowels and a burning, flaking
rash shall form all over your --
pace yourself.
Rash shall form all over your --
pace yourself.
Gotcha.
Pace yourself.
Gotcha.
So?
Gotcha.
So?
Well, what does it eat --
So?
Well, what does it eat --
live rats?
Well, what does it eat --
live rats?
[ Laughs ]
Live rats?
[ Laughs ]
[ laughs ] live rats.
[ Laughs ]
[ laughs ] live rats.
Very amusing.
[ Laughs ] live rats.
Very amusing.
No, no, it eats fear, pain,
Very amusing.
No, no, it eats fear, pain,
anxiety...whatever negative
No, no, it eats fear, pain,
anxiety...whatever negative
scraps you've got lying around
Anxiety...whatever negative
scraps you've got lying around
your psyche.
Scraps you've got lying around
your psyche.
Mr. Cherry, how are you doing at
Your psyche.
Mr. Cherry, how are you doing at
work?
Mr. Cherry, how are you doing at
work?
[ Whimpers ] don't ask.
Work?
[ Whimpers ] don't ask.
Mm-mmm.
[ Whimpers ] don't ask.
Mm-mmm.
Tasty. Ah.
Mm-mmm.
Tasty. Ah.
I think he's gonna need a
Tasty. Ah.
I think he's gonna need a
lifecycle.
I think he's gonna need a
lifecycle.
You know, he really likes you.
Lifecycle.
You know, he really likes you.
David, can I call you david?
You know, he really likes you.
David, can I call you david?
Well, my name's paul.
David, can I call you david?
Well, my name's paul.
Dave, then.
Well, my name's paul.
Dave, then.
Dave?
Dave, then.
Dave?
How do you do with the ladies?
Dave?
How do you do with the ladies?
[ Sobs ]
How do you do with the ladies?
[ Sobs ]
waitress, can I have some
[ Sobs ]
waitress, can I have some
coffee with this?
Waitress, can I have some
coffee with this?
[ Laughs ]
Coffee with this?
[ Laughs ]
[ sighs ] dave, would you say
[ Laughs ]
[ sighs ] dave, would you say
that you are uglier than, let's
[ Sighs ] dave, would you say
that you are uglier than, let's
say, jack nicholson?
That you are uglier than, let's
say, jack nicholson?
God, no.
Say, jack nicholson?
God, no.
Well, yet jack nicholson
God, no.
Well, yet jack nicholson
does well with the ladies,
Well, yet jack nicholson
does well with the ladies,
right?
Does well with the ladies,
right?
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
Why would that be?
Yeah.
Why would that be?
Because he has a demon!
Why would that be?
Because he has a demon!
And now I have a demon?
Because he has a demon!
And now I have a demon?
I don't know.
And now I have a demon?
I don't know.
Do you?
I don't know.
Do you?
I have a demon!
Do you?
I have a demon!
Yes, you do.
I have a demon!
Yes, you do.
I feel sexy!
Yes, you do.
I feel sexy!
Let's get a shot of that.
I feel sexy!
Let's get a shot of that.
[ Camera snaps ]
Let's get a shot of that.
[ Camera snaps ]
yes.
Ah.
Ah.
What's this?
Ah.
What's this?
A priest!
What's this?
A priest!
Ahh...
A priest!
Ahh...
Deity or deities?
Ahh...
Deity or deities?
Forgive this abuse of your
Deity or deities?
Forgive this abuse of your
earthbound ambassador, but my
Forgive this abuse of your
earthbound ambassador, but my
calling is very specific.
Earthbound ambassador, but my
calling is very specific.
I'm crushing your head.
Calling is very specific.
I'm crushing your head.
I'm crushing your head.
I'm crushing your head.
I'm crushing your head.
I'm crushing your head.
I'm crushing your head.
I'm crushing your head.
[ Laughs ]
I'm crushing your head.
[ Laughs ]
oh, ah.
[ Laughs ]
oh, ah.
Hey, happy couple, how --
Oh, ah.
Hey, happy couple, how --
wait a minute...
Hey, happy couple, how --
wait a minute...
That head...
Wait a minute...
That head...
It's already been crushed!
That head...
It's already been crushed!
I'm pinching your face.
It's already been crushed!
I'm pinching your face.
I'm pinching your face.
I'm pinching your face.
I'm pinching your face.
Okay, citizens!
I'm pinching your face.
Okay, citizens!
Come on!
Okay, citizens!
Come on!
I'm going to pinch your faces.
Come on!
I'm going to pinch your faces.
Periscope down!
I'm going to pinch your faces.
Periscope down!
I'm pinch--
Periscope down!
I'm pinch--
excuse me.
I'm pinch--
excuse me.
What the hell do you think
Excuse me.
What the hell do you think
you're doing?!
What the hell do you think
you're doing?!
I'm pinching faces.
You're doing?!
I'm pinching faces.
Pinching faces?
I'm pinching faces.
Pinching faces?
Yes, it's a wonderful thing
Pinching faces?
Yes, it's a wonderful thing
in which -- yes, yes -- I
Yes, it's a wonderful thing
in which -- yes, yes -- I
invented.
In which -- yes, yes -- I
invented.
[ Gasps ]
Invented.
[ Gasps ]
thank you, thank you.
[ Gasps ]
thank you, thank you.
What you do, is you put your
Thank you, thank you.
What you do, is you put your
thumb here, your finger there,
What you do, is you put your
thumb here, your finger there,
you get the person in the
Thumb here, your finger there,
you get the person in the
middle, you get your target --
You get the person in the
middle, you get your target --
I know what you're doing,
Middle, you get your target --
I know what you're doing,
you amateur!
I know what you're doing,
you amateur!
You're doing it on my turf!
You amateur!
You're doing it on my turf!
Would you please leave?
You're doing it on my turf!
Would you please leave?
Your turf?!
Would you please leave?
Your turf?!
Let go!
Your turf?!
Let go!
Yes, my turf, now, beat it!
Let go!
Yes, my turf, now, beat it!
I'm not going nowhere!
Yes, my turf, now, beat it!
I'm not going nowhere!
Ha ha!
I'm not going nowhere!
Ha ha!
Moron!
Ha ha!
Moron!
Moron!
Moron!
Moron!
"Not going nowhere" is a
Moron!
"Not going nowhere" is a
double negative -- which means
"Not going nowhere" is a
double negative -- which means
you're going somewhere!
Double negative -- which means
you're going somewhere!
Ha!
You're going somewhere!
Ha!
So, why don't you get lost,
Ha!
So, why don't you get lost,
huh?!
So, why don't you get lost,
huh?!
Come on!
Huh?!
Come on!
You want to go?
Come on!
You want to go?
Huh?
You want to go?
Huh?
You want to?
Huh?
You want to?
Okay!
You want to?
Okay!
Let's -- let's go for it!
Okay!
Let's -- let's go for it!
I'll crush your head!
Let's -- let's go for it!
I'll crush your head!
I'm pinching your face!
I'll crush your head!
I'm pinching your face!
[ Gasps ]
I'm pinching your face!
[ Gasps ]
hey, I'm over here!
[ Gasps ]
hey, I'm over here!
I'm pinching your -- whoo-hoo!
Hey, I'm over here!
I'm pinching your -- whoo-hoo!
Missed!
I'm pinching your -- whoo-hoo!
Missed!
Missed!
Missed!
Missed!
Missed again!
Missed!
Missed again!
Whoa!
Missed again!
Whoa!
Oh!
Whoa!
Oh!
I have fallen!
Oh!
I have fallen!
Ooh, I got you now!
I have fallen!
Ooh, I got you now!
[ Squeals ]
Ooh, I got you now!
[ Squeals ]
[ grunts ]
[ Squeals ]
[ grunts ]
aaah!
[ Grunts ]
aaah!
Please don't.
Aaah!
Please don't.
No, please!
Please don't.
No, please!
Ahhh!
No, please!
Ahhh!
Never mess with a pro, buddy.
Ahhh!
Never mess with a pro, buddy.
Ooh.
Never mess with a pro, buddy.
Ooh.
Outta here!
Ooh.
Outta here!
[ Speaking gibberish ]
Wow.
Wow.
[ Exhales deeply ]
Wow.
[ Exhales deeply ]
I sure wouldn't mind giving
[ Exhales deeply ]
I sure wouldn't mind giving
her about / inches of, uh,
I sure wouldn't mind giving
her about / inches of, uh,
god's finest.
Her about / inches of, uh,
god's finest.
Why don't you give her the
God's finest.
Why don't you give her the
whole, uh, /?
Why don't you give her the
whole, uh, /?
I just might have to.
Whole, uh, /?
I just might have to.
I can hear her now --
I just might have to.
I can hear her now --
"deeper, deeper, deeper."
I can hear her now --
"deeper, deeper, deeper."
[ Laughs ]
"Deeper, deeper, deeper."
[ Laughs ]
yeah, I could be talked into
[ Laughs ]
yeah, I could be talked into
giving about /...of love.
I read in this magazine --
I read in this magazine --
this guy -- /.
I read in this magazine --
this guy -- /.
No way.
This guy -- /.
No way.
That would scare a woman.
No way.
That would scare a woman.
Apparently not.
Several episodes ago, on this
Several episodes ago, on this
television show, broadcast from
Several episodes ago, on this
television show, broadcast from
this television studio, from a
Television show, broadcast from
this television studio, from a
spot only a few feet away from
This television studio, from a
spot only a few feet away from
where I am now sitting...
Spot only a few feet away from
where I am now sitting...
In fact, from behind that tuxedo
Where I am now sitting...
In fact, from behind that tuxedo
where I will now go...
In fact, from behind that tuxedo
where I will now go...
I announced that "the kids in
Where I will now go...
I announced that "the kids in
the hall" were having a
I announced that "the kids in
the hall" were having a
competition to pick a lucky
The hall" were having a
competition to pick a lucky
viewer to be the winner of the
Competition to pick a lucky
viewer to be the winner of the
"touch paul bellini" contest.
Viewer to be the winner of the
"touch paul bellini" contest.
Now, for those of you unfamiliar
"Touch paul bellini" contest.
Now, for those of you unfamiliar
with this competition, the point
Now, for those of you unfamiliar
with this competition, the point
of it was that we would fly our
With this competition, the point
of it was that we would fly our
guy to wherever you lived in the
Of it was that we would fly our
guy to wherever you lived in the
united states so that you
Guy to wherever you lived in the
united states so that you
might...touch paul bellini.
United states so that you
might...touch paul bellini.
[ Laughter ]
Might...touch paul bellini.
[ Laughter ]
well, the calls poured in
[ Laughter ]
well, the calls poured in
from across the country.
Well, the calls poured in
from across the country.
The next day, a winner was
From across the country.
The next day, a winner was
selected.
The next day, a winner was
selected.
And she soon became known to us
Selected.
And she soon became known to us
as rebecca klatka of
And she soon became known to us
as rebecca klatka of
st. Petersburg, florida...
As rebecca klatka of
st. Petersburg, florida...
Because that's what her name is
St. Petersburg, florida...
Because that's what her name is
and that's where she lives.
Because that's what her name is
and that's where she lives.
[ Laughter ]
And that's where she lives.
[ Laughter ]
so then it was to
[ Laughter ]
so then it was to
st. Petersburg that a psyched-up
So then it was to
st. Petersburg that a psyched-up
paul bellini was dispatched.
St. Petersburg that a psyched-up
paul bellini was dispatched.
And now the exciting
Paul bellini was dispatched.
And now the exciting
conclusion...
[ Suitcase unzipping ]
[ Music playing over radio ]
[ Music stops ]
So, this is the first guy
So, this is the first guy
you ever gave a traffic ticket
So, this is the first guy
you ever gave a traffic ticket
to?
You ever gave a traffic ticket
to?
Yeah.
To?
Yeah.
Yeah, i, uh...come by here
Yeah.
Yeah, i, uh...come by here
whenever I can, you know, get in
Yeah, i, uh...come by here
whenever I can, you know, get in
touch.
Whenever I can, you know, get in
touch.
I understand.
Touch.
I understand.
So where's your mom buried?
I understand.
So where's your mom buried?
Over there somewhere.
So where's your mom buried?
Over there somewhere.
Governor?
Over there somewhere.
Governor?
Are you okay in there, governor?
Governor?
Are you okay in there, governor?
You've been in there for a
Are you okay in there, governor?
You've been in there for a
while.
You've been in there for a
while.
[ Toilet flushes ]
While.
[ Toilet flushes ]
you all right?
[ Toilet flushes ]
you all right?
What?
You all right?
What?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
What?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Maybe I should, uh, just pay you
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Maybe I should, uh, just pay you
now.
Maybe I should, uh, just pay you
now.
We'll call it a night.
Now.
We'll call it a night.
Oh, what's wrong?
We'll call it a night.
Oh, what's wrong?
I got the trots.
Oh, what's wrong?
I got the trots.
Nervous stomach.
I got the trots.
Nervous stomach.
I always get this way a couple
Nervous stomach.
I always get this way a couple
days before election, and, uh,
I always get this way a couple
days before election, and, uh,
I'm a little down in the polls.
Days before election, and, uh,
I'm a little down in the polls.
Oh, well, I'm gonna vote for
I'm a little down in the polls.
Oh, well, I'm gonna vote for
you.
Oh, well, I'm gonna vote for
you.
Thanks, I got the hooker
You.
Thanks, I got the hooker
vote.
Thanks, I got the hooker
vote.
Doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed.
Vote.
Doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed.
Oh, come back to bed.
Doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed.
Oh, come back to bed.
I'll make you forget your
Oh, come back to bed.
I'll make you forget your
troubles.
I'll make you forget your
troubles.
Yeah.
Troubles.
Yeah.
You want me to pretend to be
Yeah.
You want me to pretend to be
your wife again?
You want me to pretend to be
your wife again?
No.
Your wife again?
No.
Want me to pretend to be a
No.
Want me to pretend to be a
democrat again?
Want me to pretend to be a
democrat again?
No, but thank you.
Democrat again?
No, but thank you.
Come sit down.
No, but thank you.
Come sit down.
I know how you feel.
Come sit down.
I know how you feel.
Come on, sit.
I know how you feel.
Come on, sit.
I'm gonna tell you a little
Come on, sit.
I'm gonna tell you a little
story, okay?
I'm gonna tell you a little
story, okay?
You know, when I was just a
Story, okay?
You know, when I was just a
little girl, all the other boys
You know, when I was just a
little girl, all the other boys
and girls would make fun of me
Little girl, all the other boys
and girls would make fun of me
because I was different.
And girls would make fun of me
because I was different.
Well, one day on the way to
Because I was different.
Well, one day on the way to
school the other boys, they
Well, one day on the way to
school the other boys, they
were, like, playing a game,
School the other boys, they
were, like, playing a game,
throwing snowballs at me, when
Were, like, playing a game,
throwing snowballs at me, when
one of the snowballs turned out
Throwing snowballs at me, when
one of the snowballs turned out
to be a brick.
One of the snowballs turned out
to be a brick.
Well, when I awoke a few hours
To be a brick.
Well, when I awoke a few hours
later in a hospital with a
Well, when I awoke a few hours
later in a hospital with a
slight concussion, the most
Later in a hospital with a
slight concussion, the most
extraordinary thing happened.
Slight concussion, the most
extraordinary thing happened.
Let me guess.
Extraordinary thing happened.
Let me guess.
Let me guess.
Let me guess.
Let me guess.
People you thought didn't even
Let me guess.
People you thought didn't even
know you existed came to your
People you thought didn't even
know you existed came to your
aid.
Know you existed came to your
aid.
Am I right?
Aid.
Am I right?
No, that would have been
Am I right?
No, that would have been
nice.
No, that would have been
nice.
What actually happened was
Nice.
What actually happened was
someone threw another brick
What actually happened was
someone threw another brick
through the hospital window with
Someone threw another brick
through the hospital window with
a note saying "we're gonna
Through the hospital window with
a note saying "we're gonna
finish the job."
A note saying "we're gonna
finish the job."
But it was there and then that
Finish the job."
But it was there and then that
I decided to become a nurse.
But it was there and then that
I decided to become a nurse.
But you're not a nurse.
I decided to become a nurse.
But you're not a nurse.
Oh, no.
But you're not a nurse.
Oh, no.
Do you know what a nurse gets
Oh, no.
Do you know what a nurse gets
paid?
Do you know what a nurse gets
paid?
Ooh.
Paid?
Ooh.
Heh heh.
Ooh.
Heh heh.
Heh heh heh.
Heh heh.
Heh heh heh.
Heh heh heh.
Heh heh heh.
Heh heh heh.
Oh ho ho.
Heh heh heh.
Oh ho ho.
Oh, ho.
Oh ho ho.
Oh, ho.
Oh, nurse!
Oh, ho.
Oh, nurse!
Nurse!
Oh, nurse!
Nurse!
I'm feeling a certain pain in
Nurse!
I'm feeling a certain pain in
this area!
I'm feeling a certain pain in
this area!
Perhaps I need a checkup?
This area!
Perhaps I need a checkup?
But I just told you I'm not
Perhaps I need a checkup?
But I just told you I'm not
a -- oh, I get it.
But I just told you I'm not
a -- oh, I get it.
Okay. Hold on.
A -- oh, I get it.
Okay. Hold on.
[ Laughs ]
Okay. Hold on.
[ Laughs ]
just a second.
[ Laughs ]
just a second.
Let me change.
Just a second.
Let me change.
[ Camera snaps ]
Let me change.
[ Camera snaps ]
that's it, governor.
[ Camera snaps ]
that's it, governor.
Keep it up.
That's it, governor.
Keep it up.
This is great.
Keep it up.
This is great.
[ Camera snaps ]
This is great.
[ Camera snaps ]
[ camera snaps ]
Mm-mmm.
Mm-mmm.
Honey, that is a great ham
Mm-mmm.
Honey, that is a great ham
steak.
Honey, that is a great ham
steak.
Just the way I like it -- nice
Steak.
Just the way I like it -- nice
and thick and fried.
Just the way I like it -- nice
and thick and fried.
Thanks, hon.
And thick and fried.
Thanks, hon.
Enjoying your ham steak yet,
Thanks, hon.
Enjoying your ham steak yet,
bob?
Enjoying your ham steak yet,
bob?
Yeah, I like it.
Bob?
Yeah, I like it.
It's really f*cking good.
Yeah, I like it.
It's really f*cking good.
O-oops, I mean -- fine ham
It's really f*cking good.
O-oops, I mean -- fine ham
abounds, mom.
O-oops, I mean -- fine ham
abounds, mom.
Well, you know what I do to
Abounds, mom.
Well, you know what I do to
make it so fu-fu-fu-fu--
Well, you know what I do to
make it so fu-fu-fu-fu--
said the f-word, seven pounds
Make it so fu-fu-fu-fu--
said the f-word, seven pounds
four ounces, now he says the
Said the f-word, seven pounds
four ounces, now he says the
f-word at the dinner table.
Four ounces, now he says the
f-word at the dinner table.
Okay, you listen to me,
F-word at the dinner table.
Okay, you listen to me,
little guy.
Okay, you listen to me,
little guy.
You don't curse under my roof,
Little guy.
You don't curse under my roof,
you don't curse on my roof or in
You don't curse under my roof,
you don't curse on my roof or in
front of my wife, you got that?
You don't curse on my roof or in
front of my wife, you got that?
Why, dad?
Front of my wife, you got that?
Why, dad?
It's just a word.
Why, dad?
It's just a word.
I can use my own words and think
It's just a word.
I can use my own words and think
my own thoughts.
I can use my own words and think
my own thoughts.
Shut up, bobby.
My own thoughts.
Shut up, bobby.
Why?
Shut up, bobby.
Why?
Do you want this place to be
Why?
Do you want this place to be
like...tiananmen square?
Do you want this place to be
like...tiananmen square?
Well, I'm sorry, dad.
Like...tiananmen square?
Well, I'm sorry, dad.
I won't live in your
Well, I'm sorry, dad.
I won't live in your
microwave-oven world any longer.
I won't live in your
microwave-oven world any longer.
You people have carpet on your
Microwave-oven world any longer.
You people have carpet on your
hearts.
You people have carpet on your
hearts.
Sit down and shut up.
Hearts.
Sit down and shut up.
No, dad, it's the truth.
Sit down and shut up.
No, dad, it's the truth.
Look at that ham.
No, dad, it's the truth.
Look at that ham.
It's flavorful, it's juicy, it's
Look at that ham.
It's flavorful, it's juicy, it's
well-prepared.
It's flavorful, it's juicy, it's
well-prepared.
It's the universal truth.
Well-prepared.
It's the universal truth.
That's effing good ham, dad!
It's the universal truth.
That's effing good ham, dad!
Oh, I get it.
That's effing good ham, dad!
Oh, I get it.
You think you're big enough to
Oh, I get it.
You think you're big enough to
take on your old man, huh?
You think you're big enough to
take on your old man, huh?
Yes.
Take on your old man, huh?
Yes.
Ah, I'm in the garage!
Yes.
Ah, I'm in the garage!
[ Door slams ]
Ah, I'm in the garage!
[ Door slams ]
well, your dad's in the
[ Door slams ]
well, your dad's in the
garage, bob.
Well, your dad's in the
garage, bob.
What do you have to say for
Garage, bob.
What do you have to say for
yourself?
What do you have to say for
yourself?
I say that I'm moving out.
Yourself?
I say that I'm moving out.
Oh, where would you go?
I say that I'm moving out.
Oh, where would you go?
It's a big world, mom.
Oh, where would you go?
It's a big world, mom.
There's lots of places.
It's a big world, mom.
There's lots of places.
The ocean, bob?
There's lots of places.
The ocean, bob?
Bob, you don't know anyone in
The ocean, bob?
Bob, you don't know anyone in
the ocean!
Bob, you don't know anyone in
the ocean!
[ Rock music plays ]
The ocean!
[ Rock music plays ]
♪ my parents try to put me down
[ Rock music plays ]
♪ my parents try to put me down
just because fine ham abounds ♪
♪ My parents try to put me down
just because fine ham abounds ♪
♪ they are square, the world is
Just because fine ham abounds ♪
♪ they are square, the world is
round ♪
♪ They are square, the world is
round ♪
♪ gonna throw the dice and
Round ♪
♪ gonna throw the dice and
change my town ♪
♪ Gonna throw the dice and
change my town ♪
[ music stops ]
Change my town ♪
[ music stops ]
toronto?
[ Music stops ]
toronto?
Oh, bauer's place!
Toronto?
Oh, bauer's place!
[ Rock music plays ]
Oh, bauer's place!
[ Rock music plays ]
♪ my parents try to put me down
[ Rock music plays ]
♪ my parents try to put me down
just because fine ham abounds ♪
♪ My parents try to put me down
just because fine ham abounds ♪
♪ I'm glad I'm in my youth ♪
Just because fine ham abounds ♪
♪ I'm glad I'm in my youth ♪
♪ I can still taste the ham of
♪ I'm glad I'm in my youth ♪
♪ I can still taste the ham of
truth ♪
Hi.
Hi.
Hello, owen.
Hi.
Hello, owen.
My parents couldn't deal with
Hello, owen.
My parents couldn't deal with
the truth, so I had to point out
My parents couldn't deal with
the truth, so I had to point out
the hypocrisy of their lives.
The truth, so I had to point out
the hypocrisy of their lives.
Oh, well, we're listening to
The hypocrisy of their lives.
Oh, well, we're listening to
records.
Oh, well, we're listening to
records.
Oh, that sounds good, too.
Records.
Oh, that sounds good, too.
Laura.
Oh, that sounds good, too.
Laura.
[ Rock music plays ]
[ Music stops ]
[ Music stops ]
all right, everyone.
[ Music stops ]
all right, everyone.
[ Groaning ]
All right, everyone.
[ Groaning ]
this is supposed to be a
[ Groaning ]
this is supposed to be a
get-together and not a party.
This is supposed to be a
get-together and not a party.
Someone has to leave.
Get-together and not a party.
Someone has to leave.
Lyle.
Someone has to leave.
Lyle.
All: lyle.
Lyle.
All: lyle.
Sorry, man.
All: lyle.
Sorry, man.
Listen, bobby, what,
Sorry, man.
Listen, bobby, what,
you know, happened?
Listen, bobby, what,
you know, happened?
I told my parents to...
You know, happened?
I told my parents to...
To f*ck off.
I told my parents to...
To f*ck off.
Whoa.
To f*ck off.
Whoa.
So, uh, terence, what are you
Whoa.
So, uh, terence, what are you
gonna do now, man?
So, uh, terence, what are you
gonna do now, man?
You gonna hop on a harley and
Gonna do now, man?
You gonna hop on a harley and
drive west?
You gonna hop on a harley and
drive west?
Something like that, bauer,
Drive west?
Something like that, bauer,
although I don't have access to
Something like that, bauer,
although I don't have access to
a vehicle as such.
Although I don't have access to
a vehicle as such.
Although, I do have my
A vehicle as such.
Although, I do have my
hitchhiking thumb.
Although, I do have my
hitchhiking thumb.
Whoa.
Hitchhiking thumb.
Whoa.
Cool.
Whoa.
Cool.
Who knows where I'll be this
Cool.
Who knows where I'll be this
time tomorrow night, laura.
Who knows where I'll be this
time tomorrow night, laura.
I could be helping out a town in
Time tomorrow night, laura.
I could be helping out a town in
trouble.
I could be helping out a town in
trouble.
I could be in chicago, eating
Trouble.
I could be in chicago, eating
bacon and eggs with gangsters.
I could be in chicago, eating
bacon and eggs with gangsters.
I might even be dead.
Bacon and eggs with gangsters.
I might even be dead.
Sure.
I might even be dead.
Sure.
Laura, this will be our last
Sure.
Laura, this will be our last
night together.
Laura, this will be our last
night together.
Whatever.
Night together.
Whatever.
Everyone?
Whatever.
Everyone?
This is truly a night to
Everyone?
This is truly a night to
remember...
This is truly a night to
remember...
So let's get really drunk.
Remember...
So let's get really drunk.
Yeah.
So let's get really drunk.
Yeah.
But not so drunk we can't
Yeah.
But not so drunk we can't
remember.
But not so drunk we can't
remember.
[ Rock music plays ]
Close enough.
Close enough.
[ Burps ]
Close enough.
[ Burps ]
hey, you're not looking so
[ Burps ]
hey, you're not looking so
good, terence.
Hey, you're not looking so
good, terence.
Maybe you need some more
Good, terence.
Maybe you need some more
pizza.
Maybe you need some more
pizza.
Huh, babe?
Pizza.
Huh, babe?
He's gonna be sick.
Huh, babe?
He's gonna be sick.
Oh, my god.
He's gonna be sick.
Oh, my god.
Here, puke on this!
Oh, my god.
Here, puke on this!
[ Burps ]
Here, puke on this!
[ Burps ]
no, not that side.
[ Burps ]
no, not that side.
That's the good side.
No, not that side.
That's the good side.
He can puke on this side,
That's the good side.
He can puke on this side,
though.
He can puke on this side,
though.
Oh.
Though.
Oh.
Ah, jeez, get it together.
Oh.
Ah, jeez, get it together.
Let's get him home.
Ah, jeez, get it together.
Let's get him home.
Yeah.
Let's get him home.
Yeah.
Okay, but I'm drunk, and I
Yeah.
Okay, but I'm drunk, and I
can't drive.
Okay, but I'm drunk, and I
can't drive.
[ Tires squeal ]
Can't drive.
[ Tires squeal ]
[ rock music plays ]
Shh, your parents are gonna
Shh, your parents are gonna
wake up.
Shh, your parents are gonna
wake up.
Come on. Come on.
Wake up.
Come on. Come on.
Shh, shh, shh.
Come on. Come on.
Shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
Bob?
Shh, shh, shh.
Bob?
We found him this way?
Bob?
We found him this way?
Yeah, he showed up at our
We found him this way?
Yeah, he showed up at our
place drunk.
Yeah, he showed up at our
place drunk.
Night.
Place drunk.
Night.
Booze, but no pills.
Night.
Booze, but no pills.
No.
Booze, but no pills.
No.
Good.
No.
Good.
'Cause were you aware that pills
Good.
'Cause were you aware that pills
and booze do not mix, bob?
'Cause were you aware that pills
and booze do not mix, bob?
If I'm the air-traffic
And booze do not mix, bob?
If I'm the air-traffic
controller around here, he's
If I'm the air-traffic
controller around here, he's
grounded.
Controller around here, he's
grounded.
Uh.
Grounded.
Uh.
[ Door slams ]
Uh.
[ Door slams ]
mom?
[ Door slams ]
mom?
Yes, bob?
Mom?
Yes, bob?
It was f*cking good ham.
Yes, bob?
It was f*cking good ham.
Yes, I know, bob.
It was f*cking good ham.
Yes, I know, bob.
I know.
Yes, I know, bob.
I know.
[ Rock music plays ]
Are you asleep?
Are you asleep?
Are you sleeping?
[ Clears throat loudly ]
[ Clears throat loudly ]
are you asleep?
[ Clears throat loudly ]
are you asleep?
What is it?
Are you asleep?
What is it?
I can't sleep.
What is it?
I can't sleep.
Well, try.
I can't sleep.
Well, try.
I tried.
Well, try.
I tried.
I can't.
I tried.
I can't.
Why don't you watch tv?
I can't.
Why don't you watch tv?
Oh, there's nothing good on
Why don't you watch tv?
Oh, there's nothing good on
tv.
Oh, there's nothing good on
tv.
Well, read for a while.
Tv.
Well, read for a while.
Well, I don't want to read.
Well, read for a while.
Well, I don't want to read.
Let's talk.
Well, I don't want to read.
Let's talk.
Well, I don't want to talk.
Let's talk.
Well, I don't want to talk.
I'm tired.
Well, I don't want to talk.
I'm tired.
Talk to me, talk to me.
I'm tired.
Talk to me, talk to me.
All right, we'll talk.
Talk to me, talk to me.
All right, we'll talk.
Oh, good.
All right, we'll talk.
Oh, good.
Your liver will explode and your
Oh, good.
Your liver will explode and your
brain will swim in bile and
Your liver will explode and your
brain will swim in bile and
goblins will feast on your
Brain will swim in bile and
goblins will feast on your
buttocks!
Goblins will feast on your
buttocks!
Your gums will become diseased
Buttocks!
Your gums will become diseased
and ulcerous and your teeth
Your gums will become diseased
and ulcerous and your teeth
shall turn to glue!
And ulcerous and your teeth
shall turn to glue!
Glu-u-u-u-u-e!
Shall turn to glue!
Glu-u-u-u-u-e!
Oh, yeah?
Glu-u-u-u-u-e!
Oh, yeah?
And?
Oh, yeah?
And?
Oh, well, let's talk about
And?
Oh, well, let's talk about
your day, then.
Oh, well, let's talk about
your day, then.
Well, okay.
Your day, then.
Well, okay.
I got to work, things seemed
Well, okay.
I got to work, things seemed
normal, I mean, they put on
I got to work, things seemed
normal, I mean, they put on
their act.
Normal, I mean, they put on
their act.
I go in, and I go to kathy and I
Their act.
I go in, and I go to kathy and I
say, "hi, kathy."
I go in, and I go to kathy and I
say, "hi, kathy."
Kathy says hi.
Say, "hi, kathy."
Kathy says hi.
Everything's normal, okay...
02x17 - Episode 17
Watch/Buy Amazon
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.