Excuse me.
Excuse me.
May I have your attention,
Excuse me.
May I have your attention,
please?
May I have your attention,
please?
Can anyone here land a plane?
Please?
Can anyone here land a plane?
It's quite an emergency.
Can anyone here land a plane?
It's quite an emergency.
[ Screaming ]
It's quite an emergency.
[ Screaming ]
anyone?
[ Screaming ]
anyone?
Please!
Anyone?
Please!
Please!
Please!
Please!
I'll give it a try.
Please!
I'll give it a try.
Quick, hurry -- run.
I'll give it a try.
Quick, hurry -- run.
I think we can still catch it.
Quick, hurry -- run.
I think we can still catch it.
Come on, let's go.
I think we can still catch it.
Come on, let's go.
[ Airplane flies overhead ]
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
planet's "having an average
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
planet's "having an average
weekend" plays ]
[ Breathing deeply ]
[ Breathing deeply ]
danny?
[ Breathing deeply ]
danny?
Yeah?
Danny?
Yeah?
We're -- we're friends, huh?
Yeah?
We're -- we're friends, huh?
Oh, yeah.
We're -- we're friends, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Uh...would you mind if I
Oh, yeah.
Uh...would you mind if I
asked you a question, dan?
Uh...would you mind if I
asked you a question, dan?
sh**t.
Asked you a question, dan?
sh**t.
Have you ever...looked at my
sh**t.
Have you ever...looked at my
body?
Have you ever...looked at my
body?
Jeez, I don't know.
Body?
Jeez, I don't know.
Uh...nope.
Jeez, I don't know.
Uh...nope.
Nope, definitely not.
Uh...nope.
Nope, definitely not.
Well, would you mind
Nope, definitely not.
Well, would you mind
l-looking at my body?
Well, would you mind
l-looking at my body?
Sure.
L-looking at my body?
Sure.
When would be convenient?
Sure.
When would be convenient?
Wednesday I'm free.
When would be convenient?
Wednesday I'm free.
H-how about now?
Wednesday I'm free.
H-how about now?
Now?
H-how about now?
Now?
Yeah.
Now?
Yeah.
Okeydoke.
Yeah.
Okeydoke.
I'll just, uh, turn my head a
Okeydoke.
I'll just, uh, turn my head a
little to the right, tilt it
I'll just, uh, turn my head a
little to the right, tilt it
down, and there we go.
Little to the right, tilt it
down, and there we go.
Now, dan, have I always had
Down, and there we go.
Now, dan, have I always had
these breasts?
Now, dan, have I always had
these breasts?
Or would you say -- or would you
These breasts?
Or would you say -- or would you
say that they were something
Or would you say -- or would you
say that they were something
new?
Say that they were something
new?
Jeez, uh, I don't know.
New?
Jeez, uh, I don't know.
I'm not really an expert on the
Jeez, uh, I don't know.
I'm not really an expert on the
body, per se.
I'm not really an expert on the
body, per se.
I like to keep fit, but I'm not
Body, per se.
I like to keep fit, but I'm not
a fanatic.
I like to keep fit, but I'm not
a fanatic.
Oh, I understand that.
A fanatic.
Oh, I understand that.
I mean, I'm the same way.
Oh, I understand that.
I mean, I'm the same way.
I mean, I'm not what you'd call
I mean, I'm the same way.
I mean, I'm not what you'd call
body-conscious or anything.
I mean, I'm not what you'd call
body-conscious or anything.
It's just, you know how when
Body-conscious or anything.
It's just, you know how when
you're putting on weight, you
It's just, you know how when
you're putting on weight, you
don't really notice it?
You're putting on weight, you
don't really notice it?
Just one day you wake up and
Don't really notice it?
Just one day you wake up and
your pants don't fit.
Just one day you wake up and
your pants don't fit.
Yeah.
Your pants don't fit.
Yeah.
Well, you know, we're all
Yeah.
Well, you know, we're all
getting older.
Well, you know, we're all
getting older.
Yeah.
Getting older.
Yeah.
Yeah, dan, but now I got to
Yeah.
Yeah, dan, but now I got to
worry about getting pendulous,
Yeah, dan, but now I got to
worry about getting pendulous,
you know?
Worry about getting pendulous,
you know?
Yeah, well, I think you got a
You know?
Yeah, well, I think you got a
few years left on you, buddy.
Yeah, well, I think you got a
few years left on you, buddy.
Whoo, yeah.
Few years left on you, buddy.
Whoo, yeah.
Dan, could you maybe make a
Whoo, yeah.
Dan, could you maybe make a
little eye contact here?
Dan, could you maybe make a
little eye contact here?
Was I staring?
Little eye contact here?
Was I staring?
Yeah, dan.
Was I staring?
Yeah, dan.
Yeah, you were staring.
Yeah, dan.
Yeah, you were staring.
Oh, jeez, I guess the girls
Yeah, you were staring.
Oh, jeez, I guess the girls
at the office are right.
Oh, jeez, I guess the girls
at the office are right.
Yeah, I guess they are, dan.
At the office are right.
Yeah, I guess they are, dan.
Danny!
Yeah, I guess they are, dan.
Danny!
What -- I did it again?
Danny!
What -- I did it again?
Yeah.
What -- I did it again?
Yeah.
Yes, you did.
Yeah.
Yes, you did.
Old dog!
Yes, you did.
Old dog!
Old dog!
Old dog!
Old dog!
Yeah, yeah.
Old dog!
Yeah, yeah.
God!
Yeah, yeah.
God!
Well, how's the, uh, little
God!
Well, how's the, uh, little
woman taking it?
Well, how's the, uh, little
woman taking it?
Well, you know, dan, she
Woman taking it?
Well, you know, dan, she
hasn't mentioned it, so I'm
Well, you know, dan, she
hasn't mentioned it, so I'm
thinking they're either real
Hasn't mentioned it, so I'm
thinking they're either real
new -- like today -- or she's a
Thinking they're either real
new -- like today -- or she's a
lesbian.
New -- like today -- or she's a
lesbian.
Well, then, they're new
Lesbian.
Well, then, they're new
because that sonya of yours is
Well, then, they're new
because that sonya of yours is
no lesbian.
Because that sonya of yours is
no lesbian.
She's as right as rain.
No lesbian.
She's as right as rain.
You know, you sound a little
She's as right as rain.
You know, you sound a little
too sure, dan.
You know, you sound a little
too sure, dan.
Do i? Do i?
Too sure, dan.
Do i? Do i?
Well, that's just because, uh --
Do i? Do i?
Well, that's just because, uh --
a little too confident there.
Well, that's just because, uh --
a little too confident there.
Well, I'm a little bit of an
A little too confident there.
Well, I'm a little bit of an
expert on these things,
Well, I'm a little bit of an
expert on these things,
you know.
Expert on these things,
you know.
I just -- I got a sixth sense.
You know.
I just -- I got a sixth sense.
Oh, I could spot a d*ke in a
I just -- I got a sixth sense.
Oh, I could spot a d*ke in a
lineup, I'll tell you.
Oh, I could spot a d*ke in a
lineup, I'll tell you.
I just got a way.
Lineup, I'll tell you.
I just got a way.
Uh-huh.
I just got a way.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Uh...danny?
Okay.
Uh...danny?
Yeah?
Uh...danny?
Yeah?
Are those -- are those your
Yeah?
Are those -- are those your
hands, dan?
Are those -- are those your
hands, dan?
Yeah.
The lakeshore.
The lakeshore.
West of pine street, please.
The lakeshore.
West of pine street, please.
Okay.
West of pine street, please.
Okay.
Did you hear the blue jays'
Okay.
Did you hear the blue jays'
score?
Did you hear the blue jays'
score?
Yeah, they lost, -.
Score?
Yeah, they lost, -.
Oh, that's too bad.
Yeah, they lost, -.
Oh, that's too bad.
Yes, and I know why they lost
Oh, that's too bad.
Yes, and I know why they lost
this game.
Yes, and I know why they lost
this game.
Why?
This game.
Why?
Let's just say that where I
Why?
Let's just say that where I
come from in europe, certain
Let's just say that where I
come from in europe, certain
people always made problems.
Come from in europe, certain
people always made problems.
What?
People always made problems.
What?
Look, I'm not prejudiced, but
What?
Look, I'm not prejudiced, but
I read that those guys are
Look, I'm not prejudiced, but
I read that those guys are
always troublemaking.
I read that those guys are
always troublemaking.
Who -- the blue jays?
Always troublemaking.
Who -- the blue jays?
Look, I said I'm not
Who -- the blue jays?
Look, I said I'm not
prejudiced.
Look, I said I'm not
prejudiced.
I just think they should stop
Prejudiced.
I just think they should stop
trying to control everybody's
I just think they should stop
trying to control everybody's
lives.
Trying to control everybody's
lives.
Who are you talking about?
Lives.
Who are you talking about?
[ Tires screech ]
Who are you talking about?
[ Tires screech ]
okay, get out of my cab.
[ Tires screech ]
okay, get out of my cab.
What?
Okay, get out of my cab.
What?
I said get out of my cab,
What?
I said get out of my cab,
you serbian bastard!
I said get out of my cab,
you serbian bastard!
I'm not serbian.
You serbian bastard!
I'm not serbian.
That's what you all say.
I'm not serbian.
That's what you all say.
Get out of here before I beat
That's what you all say.
Get out of here before I beat
your brains into paste!
Get out of here before I beat
your brains into paste!
Come on, get out!
[ Jackhammer pounding ]
[ Chainsaw buzzing ]
[ Chainsaw buzzing ]
okay, let's hear it for
[ Chainsaw buzzing ]
okay, let's hear it for
miner joe!
Okay, let's hear it for
miner joe!
Boy, can he tunnel.
Miner joe!
Boy, can he tunnel.
That's it for miner joe.
Boy, can he tunnel.
That's it for miner joe.
That's the end of the show.
That's it for miner joe.
That's the end of the show.
Thank you, miner joe!
That's the end of the show.
Thank you, miner joe!
[ Chanting ] bring him back!
Thank you, miner joe!
[ Chanting ] bring him back!
[ Applause ]
[ Chanting ] bring him back!
[ Applause ]
bring him back!
[ Applause ]
bring him back!
I'll get him.
Bring him back!
I'll get him.
Miner joe?
I'll get him.
Miner joe?
Patrons are reminded not to
Miner joe?
Patrons are reminded not to
get on the stage, please.
Patrons are reminded not to
get on the stage, please.
I'm not gonna tell you again.
Get on the stage, please.
I'm not gonna tell you again.
But I've got more money for
I'm not gonna tell you again.
But I've got more money for
miner joe.
But I've got more money for
miner joe.
We can't bring out more
Miner joe.
We can't bring out more
dancers until you get off the
We can't bring out more
dancers until you get off the
stage, please.
Dancers until you get off the
stage, please.
Uh-oh.
Stage, please.
Uh-oh.
That's bad, yeah.
Uh-oh.
That's bad, yeah.
Stay tuned for more in five.
That's bad, yeah.
Stay tuned for more in five.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Stay tuned for more in five.
[ Cheers and applause ]
so, what did the bearded lady
[ Cheers and applause ]
so, what did the bearded lady
think of miner joe?
So, what did the bearded lady
think of miner joe?
I liked him.
Think of miner joe?
I liked him.
Nice ass.
I liked him.
Nice ass.
Yeah, nice ass.
Nice ass.
Yeah, nice ass.
Did you see what I did?
Yeah, nice ass.
Did you see what I did?
I put a dime right in his navel,
Did you see what I did?
I put a dime right in his navel,
a-a-and it stuck.
I put a dime right in his navel,
a-a-and it stuck.
You know why?
A-a-and it stuck.
You know why?
'Cause he was sweaty.
You know why?
'Cause he was sweaty.
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause he was sweaty.
Yeah, yeah.
What are you looking at?!
Yeah, yeah.
What are you looking at?!
The show's on the stage.
What are you looking at?!
The show's on the stage.
Yeah, you need six tickets if
The show's on the stage.
Yeah, you need six tickets if
you want to stare at me!
Yeah, you need six tickets if
you want to stare at me!
You want to fight?
You want to stare at me!
You want to fight?
I'll give you a fight!
You want to fight?
I'll give you a fight!
Come on.
I'll give you a fight!
Come on.
I'll take all of you on.
Come on.
I'll take all of you on.
Come on.
I'll take all of you on.
Come on.
You want to fight?
Come on.
You want to fight?
She knocked out a cow.
You want to fight?
She knocked out a cow.
Two cows.
She knocked out a cow.
Two cows.
Yeah.
Two cows.
Yeah.
Boy, what an uptight crowd, eh?
Yeah.
Boy, what an uptight crowd, eh?
How do they get in?
Boy, what an uptight crowd, eh?
How do they get in?
That's what I wonder.
How do they get in?
That's what I wonder.
I want another drink!
That's what I wonder.
I want another drink!
I want more drinks!
I want another drink!
I want more drinks!
Waiter!
I want more drinks!
Waiter!
Waiter!
Waiter!
Waiter!
I'm right here.
Waiter!
I'm right here.
I'm right here.
I'm right here.
I'm right here.
We want more tequila!
I'm right here.
We want more tequila!
Yes.
We want more tequila!
Yes.
Uh, are you ladies sure you want
Yes.
Uh, are you ladies sure you want
another full bottle of tequila?
Uh, are you ladies sure you want
another full bottle of tequila?
Hey, we'll drink as much as
Another full bottle of tequila?
Hey, we'll drink as much as
we want.
Hey, we'll drink as much as
we want.
We're freaks!
We want.
We're freaks!
Yeah.
We're freaks!
Yeah.
And you never get drunk?
Yeah.
And you never get drunk?
Of course we get drunk.
And you never get drunk?
Of course we get drunk.
My brain's only as big as a
Of course we get drunk.
My brain's only as big as a
walnut.
My brain's only as big as a
walnut.
Oh, well, that's great.
Walnut.
Oh, well, that's great.
That'll be $.
Oh, well, that's great.
That'll be $.
$.
That'll be $.
$.
Come here.
$.
Come here.
I want to put it in your undies.
Come here.
I want to put it in your undies.
No, no, no, that's okay.
I want to put it in your undies.
No, no, no, that's okay.
I want to put it in your
No, no, no, that's okay.
I want to put it in your
undies.
I want to put it in your
undies.
It's on me, it's on me.
Undies.
It's on me, it's on me.
I'm buying, I'm buying.
It's on me, it's on me.
I'm buying, I'm buying.
It's okay.
I'm buying, I'm buying.
It's okay.
Hey, do you want the worm?
It's okay.
Hey, do you want the worm?
Of course.
Hey, do you want the worm?
Of course.
[ Groaning ]
Of course.
[ Groaning ]
sit down!
[ Groaning ]
sit down!
Those people's kids.
Sit down!
Those people's kids.
God, they're nuts.
Those people's kids.
God, they're nuts.
They'll miss tarzan.
God, they're nuts.
They'll miss tarzan.
He's the best.
They'll miss tarzan.
He's the best.
He comes out in this -- in this
He's the best.
He comes out in this -- in this
loincloth, and then this
He comes out in this -- in this
loincloth, and then this
lion guy comes out and att*cks
Loincloth, and then this
lion guy comes out and att*cks
him and then -- and then tarzan
Lion guy comes out and att*cks
him and then -- and then tarzan
takes off his loincloth and the
Him and then -- and then tarzan
takes off his loincloth and the
lion runs away 'cause he's
Takes off his loincloth and the
lion runs away 'cause he's
scared.
Lion runs away 'cause he's
scared.
Of course he's scared.
Scared.
Of course he's scared.
Who wouldn't be?
Of course he's scared.
Who wouldn't be?
Yeah, who wouldn't be?
Who wouldn't be?
Yeah, who wouldn't be?
Okay, ladies, are you ready?!
Yeah, who wouldn't be?
Okay, ladies, are you ready?!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay, ladies, are you ready?!
[ Cheers and applause ]
yeah, yeah, I'm ready!
[ Cheers and applause ]
yeah, yeah, I'm ready!
I'm ready for tarzan!
Yeah, yeah, I'm ready!
I'm ready for tarzan!
I'm ready for tarzan!
I'm ready for tarzan!
I'm ready for tarzan!
Yeah!
I'm ready for tarzan!
Yeah!
Yeah, I'm ready!
Yeah!
Yeah, I'm ready!
I'm sorry, our regular act,
Yeah, I'm ready!
I'm sorry, our regular act,
tarzan, won't be performing
I'm sorry, our regular act,
tarzan, won't be performing
tonight.
Tarzan, won't be performing
tonight.
He pulled a groin muscle due to
Tonight.
He pulled a groin muscle due to
audience interference.
He pulled a groin muscle due to
audience interference.
So, once again we remind our
Audience interference.
So, once again we remind our
audience not to get on the
So, once again we remind our
audience not to get on the
stage, please.
Audience not to get on the
stage, please.
Don't get up on the stage.
Stage, please.
Don't get up on the stage.
Yeah!
Don't get up on the stage.
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
But I think you'll enjoy our
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
But I think you'll enjoy our
replacement act.
But I think you'll enjoy our
replacement act.
He's new to this stage, but he's
Replacement act.
He's new to this stage, but he's
a very fine dancer.
He's new to this stage, but he's
a very fine dancer.
One hand clapping against
A very fine dancer.
One hand clapping against
another makes a very nice sound
One hand clapping against
another makes a very nice sound
for rooster boy!
Another makes a very nice sound
for rooster boy!
[ Rooster crows ]
For rooster boy!
[ Rooster crows ]
[ dance music plays ]
[ Rooster crows ]
[ dance music plays ]
[ cheers and applause ]
[ Smoke alarm ringing ]
Want to get a taxi?
Want to get a taxi?
Yeah.
Okay, let's go.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, hey, fine and dandy, my
Okay, let's go.
Oh, hey, fine and dandy, my
friend, my speedy little friend,
Oh, hey, fine and dandy, my
friend, my speedy little friend,
but my question is, where?
Friend, my speedy little friend,
but my question is, where?
Lakeshore, west of pine.
But my question is, where?
Lakeshore, west of pine.
Okay.
Lakeshore, west of pine.
Okay.
Do you want to listen to a bit
Okay.
Do you want to listen to a bit
of music?
Do you want to listen to a bit
of music?
No.
Of music?
No.
[ Radio blaring ]
No.
[ Radio blaring ]
[ indistinct talking on radio ]
[ Radio blaring ]
[ indistinct talking on radio ]
[ laughs ]
[ Indistinct talking on radio ]
[ laughs ]
hear that guy?
[ Laughs ]
hear that guy?
Hear what he said?
Hear that guy?
Hear what he said?
What a goof, eh?
Hear what he said?
What a goof, eh?
Did you see that?!
What a goof, eh?
Did you see that?!
That guy cut me off!
Did you see that?!
That guy cut me off!
Do you mind if I chase him down?
That guy cut me off!
Do you mind if I chase him down?
Well, I -- I really --
Do you mind if I chase him down?
Well, I -- I really --
okay.
Well, I -- I really --
okay.
Let's put a bee in his bonnet,
Okay.
Let's put a bee in his bonnet,
eh?
Let's put a bee in his bonnet,
eh?
[ Shouting, g*nshots ]
Eh?
[ Shouting, g*nshots ]
dare you to do that again!
[ Shouting, g*nshots ]
dare you to do that again!
[ Laughs maniacally ]
Dare you to do that again!
[ Laughs maniacally ]
hey, I beaned him -- shot his
[ Laughs maniacally ]
hey, I beaned him -- shot his
tires out.
Hey, I beaned him -- shot his
tires out.
Thanks, princess.
Tires out.
Thanks, princess.
I don't think he'll be cutting
Thanks, princess.
I don't think he'll be cutting
me off anymore.
I don't think he'll be cutting
me off anymore.
Could you stop, please?
Me off anymore.
Could you stop, please?
Hey, do you mind if I stop?
Could you stop, please?
Hey, do you mind if I stop?
I got to drop off a package.
Hey, do you mind if I stop?
I got to drop off a package.
No, please!
I got to drop off a package.
No, please!
[ Tires screech ]
No, please!
[ Tires screech ]
I'll just be a second.
[ Tires screech ]
I'll just be a second.
Be right back.
I'll just be a second.
Be right back.
Hush, little darling.
Be right back.
Hush, little darling.
Sir?
Hush, little darling.
Sir?
You going uptown?
Sir?
You going uptown?
No, going downtown.
You going uptown?
No, going downtown.
Okay, you can split the fare.
No, going downtown.
Okay, you can split the fare.
Scoot over.
Okay, you can split the fare.
Scoot over.
Bring him in.
Scoot over.
Bring him in.
Come on.
Bring him in.
Come on.
Let's go, let's go.
Come on.
Let's go, let's go.
Come on, come on, come on.
Let's go, let's go.
Come on, come on, come on.
Scooter.
Come on, come on, come on.
Scooter.
Bring him in.
Scooter.
Bring him in.
Come on.
Bring him in.
Come on.
Okay.
Come on.
Okay.
You get in the front, officer.
Okay.
You get in the front, officer.
Come on, get in.
You get in the front, officer.
Come on, get in.
Try and do that again, eh?
Come on, get in.
Try and do that again, eh?
Kick his ass!
Try and do that again, eh?
Kick his ass!
What happened?
You loser!
You loser!
You pig!
You loser!
You pig!
You piece of pork!
You pig!
You piece of pork!
[ Sniffing ]
You piece of pork!
[ Sniffing ]
what do you got in there?
[ Sniffing ]
what do you got in there?
Got some bacon curing, pig!
What do you got in there?
Got some bacon curing, pig!
[ Oinking ]
Got some bacon curing, pig!
[ Oinking ]
"I'm a big pig!
[ Oinking ]
"I'm a big pig!
I'm a big pig!"
"I'm a big pig!
I'm a big pig!"
[ Oinking ]
I'm a big pig!"
[ Oinking ]
loser!
[ Oinking ]
loser!
Pig!
Loser!
Pig!
Why didn't you do something?
Pig!
Why didn't you do something?
I thought you knew him.
Why didn't you do something?
I thought you knew him.
I didn't.
I thought you knew him.
I didn't.
Well, I guess what happened
I didn't.
Well, I guess what happened
was his sleeve must've got
Well, I guess what happened
was his sleeve must've got
caught in the baler, and it just
Was his sleeve must've got
caught in the baler, and it just
pulled his whole arm in, and it
Caught in the baler, and it just
pulled his whole arm in, and it
was tragic.
Pulled his whole arm in, and it
was tragic.
Just -- just tragic.
Was tragic.
Just -- just tragic.
Eli, did I tell you I met my
Just -- just tragic.
Eli, did I tell you I met my
first celebrity the other day?
Eli, did I tell you I met my
first celebrity the other day?
Did you, jedediah?
First celebrity the other day?
Did you, jedediah?
Well, congratulations.
Did you, jedediah?
Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
But before you go congratulating
Thank you.
But before you go congratulating
me, it was more of a small-"c"
But before you go congratulating
me, it was more of a small-"c"
celebrity, but a celebrity
Me, it was more of a small-"c"
celebrity, but a celebrity
nonetheless.
Celebrity, but a celebrity
nonetheless.
Well, who was it, jedediah?
Nonetheless.
Well, who was it, jedediah?
Remember them brothers who
Well, who was it, jedediah?
Remember them brothers who
sang together?
Remember them brothers who
sang together?
Osmonds?
Sang together?
Osmonds?
Yep.
Osmonds?
Yep.
So, you met the osmonds.
Yep.
So, you met the osmonds.
Nope.
So, you met the osmonds.
Nope.
Just the young'un, jimmy.
Nope.
Just the young'un, jimmy.
Well, what did you think,
Just the young'un, jimmy.
Well, what did you think,
jedediah?
Well, what did you think,
jedediah?
Well, frankly, I thought his
Jedediah?
Well, frankly, I thought his
teeth were too big for his head.
Well, frankly, I thought his
teeth were too big for his head.
Well, that's the impression I
Teeth were too big for his head.
Well, that's the impression I
got from staring at him, anyway.
Well, that's the impression I
got from staring at him, anyway.
I ever tell you I once met a
Got from staring at him, anyway.
I ever tell you I once met a
celebrity?
I ever tell you I once met a
celebrity?
You don't say.
Celebrity?
You don't say.
Who was it?
You don't say.
Who was it?
Mickey rooney.
Who was it?
Mickey rooney.
Mickey rooney?!
Mickey rooney.
Mickey rooney?!
Yes, sir.
Mickey rooney?!
Yes, sir.
That's a big-"c" celebrity if
Yes, sir.
That's a big-"c" celebrity if
there ever was one.
That's a big-"c" celebrity if
there ever was one.
Sure enough.
There ever was one.
Sure enough.
Is he as short as they say?
Sure enough.
Is he as short as they say?
Well, I'll tell you
Is he as short as they say?
Well, I'll tell you
something, jedediah, he may be
Well, I'll tell you
something, jedediah, he may be
short in stature, but he sure
Something, jedediah, he may be
short in stature, but he sure
ain't short on heart.
Short in stature, but he sure
ain't short on heart.
Why, the night I met him he
Ain't short on heart.
Why, the night I met him he
entertained us at the
Why, the night I met him he
entertained us at the
dinner table with stories of the
Entertained us at the
dinner table with stories of the
golden years of hollywood.
Dinner table with stories of the
golden years of hollywood.
You ate dinner with
Golden years of hollywood.
You ate dinner with
mickey rooney?
You ate dinner with
mickey rooney?
Yes, I did.
Mickey rooney?
Yes, I did.
Yep.
Yes, I did.
Yep.
And after dinner he tap-danced
Yep.
And after dinner he tap-danced
and sang for us and told us
And after dinner he tap-danced
and sang for us and told us
off-color stories about
And sang for us and told us
off-color stories about
ann miller.
Off-color stories about
ann miller.
I'll tell you something, he may
Ann miller.
I'll tell you something, he may
be short on stature, be he sure
I'll tell you something, he may
be short on stature, be he sure
ain't short on talent.
Be short on stature, be he sure
ain't short on talent.
You got that right.
Ain't short on talent.
You got that right.
Mm-hmm.
You got that right.
Mm-hmm.
And then after dinner, well, my
Mm-hmm.
And then after dinner, well, my
brother-in-law's cow started
And then after dinner, well, my
brother-in-law's cow started
a-birthin', and mr. Rooney, just
Brother-in-law's cow started
a-birthin', and mr. Rooney, just
like a trooper, he rolled up his
A-birthin', and mr. Rooney, just
like a trooper, he rolled up his
sleeves and he pitched in and
Like a trooper, he rolled up his
sleeves and he pitched in and
helped out.
Sleeves and he pitched in and
helped out.
After the delivery he went back
Helped out.
After the delivery he went back
into the house, and he played
After the delivery he went back
into the house, and he played
the piano and sang for us...
Into the house, and he played
the piano and sang for us...
All night long.
The piano and sang for us...
All night long.
And no sooner had we fallen
All night long.
And no sooner had we fallen
asleep than he woke us up and
And no sooner had we fallen
asleep than he woke us up and
proceeded to make breakfast for
Asleep than he woke us up and
proceeded to make breakfast for
us.
Proceeded to make breakfast for
us.
Eggs a la judy, he called 'em.
Us.
Eggs a la judy, he called 'em.
And as he was beatin' them eggs,
Eggs a la judy, he called 'em.
And as he was beatin' them eggs,
I swear I heard him -- well, I
And as he was beatin' them eggs,
I swear I heard him -- well, I
swear I heard him sobbin'.
I swear I heard him -- well, I
swear I heard him sobbin'.
Sounds like he's the salt of
Swear I heard him sobbin'.
Sounds like he's the salt of
the earth.
Sounds like he's the salt of
the earth.
Yep, and high as a kite.
The earth.
Yep, and high as a kite.
Yeah, must've been hopped up on
Yep, and high as a kite.
Yeah, must've been hopped up on
something.
Yeah, must've been hopped up on
something.
Are you sure?
Something.
Are you sure?
Nope, but explain me this --
Are you sure?
Nope, but explain me this --
right after that he ran out into
Nope, but explain me this --
right after that he ran out into
the yard and proceeded to dig us
Right after that he ran out into
the yard and proceeded to dig us
a well, and I kept shoutin' at
The yard and proceeded to dig us
a well, and I kept shoutin' at
him down in that pit, "hey, we
A well, and I kept shoutin' at
him down in that pit, "hey, we
already got a well!"
Him down in that pit, "hey, we
already got a well!"
But he kept right on a-diggin',
Already got a well!"
But he kept right on a-diggin',
jedediah.
But he kept right on a-diggin',
jedediah.
Well, sounds like he's got a
Jedediah.
Well, sounds like he's got a
chip on his shoulder.
Well, sounds like he's got a
chip on his shoulder.
Well, most short folk do,
Chip on his shoulder.
Well, most short folk do,
jedediah.
Well, most short folk do,
jedediah.
Couldn't get the fella to leave.
Jedediah.
Couldn't get the fella to leave.
Kept droppin' hints and such,
Couldn't get the fella to leave.
Kept droppin' hints and such,
but that didn't work, so
Kept droppin' hints and such,
but that didn't work, so
eventually we had to start
But that didn't work, so
eventually we had to start
chuckin' stones at him --
Eventually we had to start
chuckin' stones at him --
chase him off the property.
Chuckin' stones at him --
chase him off the property.
Tell you something, jedediah, he
Chase him off the property.
Tell you something, jedediah, he
may be short in stature, but he
Tell you something, jedediah, he
may be short in stature, but he
sure ain't short on nerve.
May be short in stature, but he
sure ain't short on nerve.
You got that right.
Sure ain't short on nerve.
You got that right.
More coffee, mary.
You got that right.
More coffee, mary.
Hey, mary, did you hear?
More coffee, mary.
Hey, mary, did you hear?
Jedediah here just met his first
Hey, mary, did you hear?
Jedediah here just met his first
celebrity.
Jedediah here just met his first
celebrity.
It was more of a small-"c"
Celebrity.
It was more of a small-"c"
celebrity, but a celebrity
It was more of a small-"c"
celebrity, but a celebrity
nonetheless.
Celebrity, but a celebrity
nonetheless.
Yeah.
Nonetheless.
Yeah.
Big in japan though.
Yeah.
Big in japan though.
Really?
Big in japan though.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Huge star in japan.
Oh, yeah.
Huge star in japan.
Jimmy osmond's big in japan?
Huge star in japan.
Jimmy osmond's big in japan?
I had no idea.
Yep.
Yep.
Work, work, work.
Yep.
Work, work, work.
Yep, a lot of paper.
Work, work, work.
Yep, a lot of paper.
A lot of work, all right.
Yep, a lot of paper.
A lot of work, all right.
My pen!
A lot of work, all right.
My pen!
My pen.
My pen!
My pen.
My pen!
My pen.
My pen!
What, barton?
My pen!
What, barton?
What's all the ruckus?
What, barton?
What's all the ruckus?
My pen.
What's all the ruckus?
My pen.
My pen.
My pen.
My pen.
My pen is missing.
My pen.
My pen is missing.
Yes, and?
My pen is missing.
Yes, and?
I-i've lost all m-- I've lost
Yes, and?
I-i've lost all m-- I've lost
my pen, the one I do all my
I-i've lost all m-- I've lost
my pen, the one I do all my
work with.
My pen, the one I do all my
work with.
Oh.
Work with.
Oh.
Here -- use mine.
Oh.
Here -- use mine.
No!
Here -- use mine.
No!
Has anybody here seen my pen?
No!
Has anybody here seen my pen?
It was in my pocket before.
Has anybody here seen my pen?
It was in my pocket before.
No? Okay.
It was in my pocket before.
No? Okay.
Everything's fine.
No? Okay.
Everything's fine.
[ Whistles ]
Everything's fine.
[ Whistles ]
I'm all right.
[ Whistles ]
I'm all right.
It's barton.
I'm all right.
It's barton.
Listen, did I leave my pen there
It's barton.
Listen, did I leave my pen there
last night?
Listen, did I leave my pen there
last night?
Come on, dale, check.
Last night?
Come on, dale, check.
Just look.
Come on, dale, check.
Just look.
Heard you lost your pen.
Just look.
Heard you lost your pen.
Maybe you lent it to someone.
Heard you lost your pen.
Maybe you lent it to someone.
Can I borrow your pen for a
Maybe you lent it to someone.
Can I borrow your pen for a
sec?
[ Thunder rumbles ]
[ Thunder rumbles ]
okay.
[ Thunder rumbles ]
okay.
Just don't run off with it.
Okay.
Just don't run off with it.
[ Sword unsheathes ]
Just don't run off with it.
[ Sword unsheathes ]
[ thunder rumbles ]
[ Sword unsheathes ]
[ thunder rumbles ]
aah!
[ Thunder rumbles ]
aah!
Stop him!
Aah!
Stop him!
Barton, hang up the phone.
Stop him!
Barton, hang up the phone.
I think it's just dangling.
Barton, hang up the phone.
I think it's just dangling.
Stop him!
I think it's just dangling.
Stop him!
[ Murmuring ]
My pen!
My pen!
Stop him!
My pen!
Stop him!
He's got my pen!
Stop him!
He's got my pen!
My pen!
He's got my pen!
My pen!
My pen!
My pen!
My pen!
My pen!
My pen!
My pen!
Hey, you've got my pen!
My pen!
Hey, you've got my pen!
I think he's saying, "I'm a
Hey, you've got my pen!
I think he's saying, "I'm a
hot man."
I think he's saying, "I'm a
hot man."
You've got my pen!
Hot man."
You've got my pen!
I think he's saying, uh, "I'm
You've got my pen!
I think he's saying, uh, "I'm
a mother hen."
I think he's saying, uh, "I'm
a mother hen."
My pen!
A mother hen."
My pen!
You've...got...my...pen!
My pen!
You've...got...my...pen!
Hey, you've got my pen!
You've...got...my...pen!
Hey, you've got my pen!
[ Tires screech ]
Hey, you've got my pen!
[ Tires screech ]
you've got...my pen.
[ Tires screech ]
you've got...my pen.
Oh, sorry.
You've got...my pen.
Oh, sorry.
Here.
Oh, sorry.
Here.
You'll be all right.
Here.
You'll be all right.
It's all over.
You'll be all right.
It's all over.
There we go.
It's all over.
There we go.
There we go.
There we go.
There we go.
Yeah.
There we go.
Yeah.
Uh, excuse me.
Yeah.
Uh, excuse me.
Could I borrow your pen for a
Uh, excuse me.
Could I borrow your pen for a
sec?
Could I borrow your pen for a
sec?
Okay.
Sec?
Okay.
Just don't run off with it.
And then what happened?
And then what happened?
Well, the assailant pumped
And then what happened?
Well, the assailant pumped
three sh*ts into this guy and
Well, the assailant pumped
three sh*ts into this guy and
then took off into an alley,
Three sh*ts into this guy and
then took off into an alley,
pursued on foot by three police
Then took off into an alley,
pursued on foot by three police
officers.
Pursued on foot by three police
officers.
He then made his way to another
Officers.
He then made his way to another
side street and into a waiting
He then made his way to another
side street and into a waiting
car.
Side street and into a waiting
car.
The waiting car then took off
Car.
The waiting car then took off
recklessly, hitting a
The waiting car then took off
recklessly, hitting a
pedestrian, and they lost him in
Recklessly, hitting a
pedestrian, and they lost him in
traffic.
Pedestrian, and they lost him in
traffic.
But you enjoyed the film?
Traffic.
But you enjoyed the film?
Oh, yeah, it was a great
But you enjoyed the film?
Oh, yeah, it was a great
movie.
Oh, yeah, it was a great
movie.
I'd see it again, yeah.
Movie.
I'd see it again, yeah.
What's the story with this
I'd see it again, yeah.
What's the story with this
guy?
What's the story with this
guy?
I don't know.
Guy?
I don't know.
No one tells me anything.
I don't know.
No one tells me anything.
I know what you're saying,
No one tells me anything.
I know what you're saying,
partner.
I know what you're saying,
partner.
Yeah.
Are you enjoying your meal,
Are you enjoying your meal,
danny?
Are you enjoying your meal,
danny?
Huh?
Danny?
Huh?
Oh, yeah, it's fine food.
Huh?
Oh, yeah, it's fine food.
You seem distracted, dear.
Oh, yeah, it's fine food.
You seem distracted, dear.
Huh? Oh.
You seem distracted, dear.
Huh? Oh.
Did something happen at work
Huh? Oh.
Did something happen at work
today?
Did something happen at work
today?
No.
Today?
No.
Good.
I have nipples, you know.
I have nipples, you know.
Fine.
I have nipples, you know.
Fine.
I'll just clear the dishes.
Fine.
I'll just clear the dishes.
No!
I'll just clear the dishes.
No!
Put the damn plate down!
No!
Put the damn plate down!
I want to talk about my nipples.
Put the damn plate down!
I want to talk about my nipples.
Well, what do you want to say
I want to talk about my nipples.
Well, what do you want to say
about them?
Well, what do you want to say
about them?
Okay. First of all, they're
About them?
Okay. First of all, they're
very sensitive, and I wish you'd
Okay. First of all, they're
very sensitive, and I wish you'd
pay more attention to them.
Very sensitive, and I wish you'd
pay more attention to them.
Just because they're not
Pay more attention to them.
Just because they're not
floating around at the end of a
Just because they're not
floating around at the end of a
pair of boobs doesn't mean they
Floating around at the end of a
pair of boobs doesn't mean they
should be ignored.
Pair of boobs doesn't mean they
should be ignored.
Well, that's wonderful, dear.
Should be ignored.
Well, that's wonderful, dear.
It's just wonderful.
Well, that's wonderful, dear.
It's just wonderful.
Fine.
It's just wonderful.
Fine.
Then why won't you touch them?
Fine.
Then why won't you touch them?
I don't know.
Then why won't you touch them?
I don't know.
I just don't feel right.
I don't know.
I just don't feel right.
Come on, why not?
I just don't feel right.
Come on, why not?
Well, first of all, it's a
Come on, why not?
Well, first of all, it's a
proven fact that men's nipples
Well, first of all, it's a
proven fact that men's nipples
are unsanitary.
Proven fact that men's nipples
are unsanitary.
Yes, they are a cesspool for
Are unsanitary.
Yes, they are a cesspool for
germs.
Yes, they are a cesspool for
germs.
Why, that is patently
Germs.
Why, that is patently
ridiculous!
Why, that is patently
ridiculous!
And, second of all, you...pee
Ridiculous!
And, second of all, you...pee
through them.
And, second of all, you...pee
through them.
What?
Through them.
What?
I pee through my penis.
What?
I pee through my penis.
Oh, my god!
I pee through my penis.
Oh, my god!
Why didn't you say something?!
Oh, my god!
Why didn't you say something?!
Oh, my god!
Why didn't you say something?!
Oh, my god!
I guess we've both got a lot
Oh, my god!
I guess we've both got a lot
to learn about our bodies.
I guess we've both got a lot
to learn about our bodies.
Come on, let's start now.
To learn about our bodies.
Come on, let's start now.
No!
Come on, let's start now.
No!
It's just a nipple.
No!
It's just a nipple.
Come on.
It's just a nipple.
Come on.
Oh, my god!
Come on.
Oh, my god!
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
Oh, my god!
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
planet's "having an average
[ Shadowy men on a shadowy
planet's "having an average
weekend" plays ]
03x01 - Episode 1
Watch/Buy Amazon
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.
The Kids frequently appeared as themselves rather than as characters, and some sketches dealt directly with the fact that they were a comedy troupe producing a TV show.