03x16 & 03x17 - Citizen Butt-head

[bunniefuu]

CITIZEN BUTT-HEAD

Today, President Clinton will visit our
very own Highland High School.

We'll be holding a town meeting called
"Youth: The Next Generation".

That guy is really fat!

Yeah.

The President will answer spontaneous
questions from students picked at random.

He said "picked"!

Are the hand-picked honor students
rehearsing their questions?

- Yes sir.
- Is security in place?

- Check.
- Now, what about B-Beavis and Butt-Head?

Maybe they won't come to school today.

You idiot! It's taco day in the
cafeteria! They'll be here!

Now look, the future of
Highland High is at stake,

not to mention my personal career.

B-Beavis and Butt-Head
must not be allowed

within three miles
of the President!

- Maybe we could just k*ll them.
- That would be cool!

Yeah.

Tempting, but I've
got a better idea.

Yeah, boy.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- I feel a groove coming on.
- Yeah.

- Let's rock!
- Yeah, rock!

- This is cool!
- Yeah, this is cool!

These three words mean you're gettin' busy:
Whoomp, there it is! Hit me!

Whoomp!
There's my butt!

Yeah, yeah.

Whoomp! There it is!

- Whoomp, there's my butt!
- Whoomp, there it is!

Whoomp! There it is!
There it is!

- Whoomp! There it is!
- Whoomp, there's my but!

Whoomp!
There's my butt!

I'm takin' it back to the old school
'cause I'm an old fool...

- He's kicking it old school.
- Yeah, yeah, he's kicking it! Kicking it!

Kicking! Kick!

Whoomp!
There's my butt!

Whoomp!
There's my butt!

This would be a good video to,
like, learn to read with.

'cause, like, they're saying "Whoomp" and
then, like, it says "Whoomp" on the screen.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's like, it's like,
the word comes out on the screen,

and I'm thinking: "what did that
word say, what did it say,

and then this other guy says: "Whoomp!"

There it is. There it is.
Whoomp, there it is.

Boys, take the day off.

This pass will allow
you to stay off campus.

Way off campus, for the
next twenty-four hours.

You can go anywhere,
do anything.

- But today is taco day!
- Here's fifty bucks.

Go down to "El House
of Tacos" and stuff yourself!

He said "stuff".

And I'll say it again, if you
don't get out of here!

Cool.

- We can go anywhere and do anything.
- Yeah.

It's cool to, like,
try to think of stuff.

Yeah.

This pass is cool.

This proves that we're
cooler than other people.

Yeah.

People would be jealous if they knew
we had it. Let's go show everyone.

Excited about meeting
the President, sir?

- Maybe we should've k*lled those two.
- Don't worry.

You gave them fifty bucks
and a pass, I'm sure

Beavis and Butt-Head are
already miles from here.

Principal McDicker gave us
this pass 'cause we're so cool.

Yeah.

- You guys don't get one.
- Bite me!

You guys can touch it
for a quarter.

He means the pass.

That was cool.

We don't have to eat your
stinking tacos, we got money.

I just ate one.

That chick seems, like, you know, like,
like, she'd be pretty friendly, you know?

Yeah.

Like, you could just walk up to her and say
"Hey, m-my name is Beavis, how's it going?"

Maybe you'd like to,
you know, maybe we,

like, we could go,
you know, we could...

This seems pretty cool.

Yeah, yeah.

That chick seems like,
like, she's pretty cool.

This seems like a
pretty cool place to live.

Yeah, yeah, and that chick is pretty
cool too. She's like, you know...

She's, like, pretty... cool.

Cool, a toilet!

Yeah.

I did that this morning.
I always do that.

I scrub myself off in the toilet.

- You take a dump first?
- Yeah, yeah.

Whoa.

Snotty people.

Check it out, he's
eating in a tub!

Yeah.

Looks like he is... going
to the bathroom in the tub too.

Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

- This chick seems, you know, pretty nice.
- Shut up Butt-Head! I saw her first!

Hey baby, how it's going?

Shut up, Beavis!
She was looking at me the whole time!

Oh yeah!

- Freeze!
- Whoa! Cool!

Look, it's McGyver!

Do you know how to pick locks?

- Where you boys think you're going?
- We got a pass, asswipe!

Then you should be over there with
the hand-picked students, bunghole!

Beavis and Butt-Head?

- Hey! It's Diarrhea!
- Yeah.

They picked you guys to meet
the President?

The President of the United States?

The guy who runs the country?
Who is here

right now to talk us
on national television?

- We got a pass.
- Yeah.

One last thing: they're
probably miles from here

but if you see these
two guys, they're not students!

They are armed an dangerous psychopaths,
who wanna harm the President.

- Take them out!
- They're on campus, sir.

- What?
- With the honor students.

- The honor students?
- They had a pass.

Mrs. Tress...

bring me a new pair of pants!

Cool.

Yeah, yeah.

When I'll get my own pad,
it's gonna look just like this.

Yeah but there is only one bed.
Where am I gonna sleep?

You're not gonna sleep
at my house, dillhole!

Oh yeah.

This guy is cool!

Yeah, yeah.

How do those guys, like,
move all jerky like that?

They can do that because they're cool.

Oh yeah.

- Cool.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Whoa.
- Yeah.

If I could move my arm that
fast, I'd never leave the house.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Hey Beavis, you know
how this band is called?

Tool.

Yeah, tool.

Whoa.

Cool.

Yeah, yeah.

Are those feces?

No, asswipe!
That's meat!

Oh yes.

That's cool.

"Are you for or against
japanese trade restrictions?"

"What are you prepared to do about
sexual harassment in a work..."

"Given the budget
deficit, do you think the

supercollider is really
necessary at this time?"

- Pull my finger.
- No.

- Come on Beavis, pull it!
- No way.

Hi, I'm Tabatha Soren.

That doesn't count!
You pulled your own finger.

I pulled my own finger.

And welcome to "Youth:
The Next generation",

a student forum with
President Clinton.

Your questions, his answers,
our future!

That chick's only fourteen!

And now, the President
of the United States, Bill Clinton!

Grab him! Grab him!

That's it, get him!
Get him!

Whoa! It's McDicker!
Cool!

- Beat the crap out of him!
- Use the choke hold! Use the choke hold!

Kick him! Kick him!
Kick him! Kick him!

Choke! Choke!

Yeah.

Choke hold!

- Score 1 for the secret cervix!
- Yeah.

That was cool.

The colors are all messed up.
Turn up the color, Beavis.

That's not the color, the tint's messed up.
You gotta turn up the tint knob.

- The taint knob?
- No, Butt-Head! The tint! The tint knob!

- Hey, this guy looks like Jim Rockford.
- Yeah.

- That was pretty cool, Beavis.
- Yeah.

- This is cool!
- Yeah, it rocks!

Yeah.

- And he's pissed off.
- Yeah, yeah, I like anger.

I like when guys
get pissed off in videos.

Whoa.

Check out his neck!

Yeah.

There's, like, all these bones
and "vestigeses" moving around.

Yeah.

His neck kicks ass!

Yeah.

I bet he gets all the chicks
because his neck is cool.

Yeah.

Hello, my fellow
young Americans.

You know, I've always been interested in
young people. Hell, I even made one!

He did it with that
chick on the magazine cover.

I could stand up here
and talk on and on

like some boll weevil sitting
on a stomp bragging to a dog in heat

but I'd like to hear
what you have to say.

Mr. President, in
your campaign

you promised to help every young
person to get a college education.

Did you mean that

- or were you just jerking us around?
- Daria is cool.

I meant it. College is
crucial for three reasons.

First: our economy.

Secondly, the security
of future generations...

Hey Beavis, that microphone
makes your voice real loud.

Yeah.

Loud! Loud!
Let's try.

Butt-Head!

Whoa!

"It's 10 pm, do you
know where your wiener is?"

This is cool.

You said "pm".
Attention, K-mart shoppers.

There's a blue light special
on the jock strap department.

I love that joke.

Testies... Testies...
One... Two... Three...

Testies... Testies...

One... Two... Three...

- Whoa! Those guys are pissed!
- Yeah.

Did you boys have a question?

Since you're, like, the President, and
in charge of the army and stuff...

could you, like, invade some
country and set it on fire?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then you could, like, fly over the
country in a chopper with a loud speaker

and you could yell: "I am the
President of the United States

the most powerful nation on Earth.
And you must bow down and kiss my butt!"

Yeah.

The streets will flow with the
blood of the nonbelievers!

Forgiv-Forgive them, Mr. President,
Beavis and Butt-Head are emotionally

you know... special.

Yeah.
We got a pass.

Well, you know, I'm happier than a
pig in slop at the opportunities

Highland High offers
the hormonally challenged.

- A key issue of my campaign.
- Back off, you fat pig!

Well, you boys must really like it here.

Well, last year in
Ms. Dickey's class...

I pitched a tent!

- She must be very proud.
- Cooties! Quits!

Because of your ability

- to surmount all obstacles...
- He said "mount".

... I proclame you,
Beavis and Bum-Head...

- It's Butt-Head!
- America's students of the year.

- That band sucks!
- Yeah.

Whoa.

This isn't very good.

Yeah, yeah, it needs
to, like, be more cool.

Hey, it's that Luka chick.

Yeah, yeah.

The one from the second floor.

Blood, blood?
She said "blood"!

Yeah.

It wasn't very cool tho.

She went on one of those places in the
mall where you make your own video.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna go to one of those.

It's gonna be cool.

Oh yeah?

Whoa.

That's that shiny dude from
that Janet Jackson video!

Yeah.

When Janet finds
out he's messing around

with Luka,
she's gonna kick his ass.

Yeah.

That dude gets all the chicks.

- Those guys are cool.
- Yeah.

Too bad the President got
your name wrong, Bum-Head!

- Shut up!
- Now people will make fun of your name.

Shut up!
Beav... Beavbut...

Dumb... Beavis.

Well, I hope you boys learned something
from my little visit with the President.

- Yeah. We learned a lot.
- Yeah.

Like, if you don't have a pass
you get the crap beat out of you.

But if you do have a pass

the President of the
United States will kiss your butt!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

These guys rule!

Yeah, yeah!

Got no huggin', no kissin'!

Yeah.

- That part is pretty cool.
- Yeah.

That lead singer?

Yeah.

He's cool.
He looks like my cousin.

Oh yeah.

Which one?

You know... Richard Head.

This guy's teeth are cool.

Yeah.

It runs in the family.

We all have cool teeth.

This guy is cool.

Yeah, yeah.

He's cool.