02x21 - Episode 21

[bunniefuu]

- Wanna hear something?

It's a fact.

My Uncle Tony can spit real far.

Okay, go.

[drumroll]

- Whoo!

- Eww. Gross.

He's a very lonely man.

It's a fact.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

[ominous Western film music]

- Ah, what's this? A priest!

Ahh.

Deity or deities!

Forgive this abuse of your earthbound ambassador,

but my calling is very specific.

I'm crushing your head!

I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your head.

Oh, hey, happy couple, how--

wait a minute, that head,

it's already been crushed!

- I'm pinching your face!

I'm pinching your face!

Okay citizens! C'mon!

I'm going to pinch your faces!

Periscope down!

I'm pinch-- - Excuse me.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

- I'm pinching faces.

- Pinching faces?

- Yes, it's a wonderful thing in which,

yes, yes, I invented!

Thank you, thank you.

What you do, is you put your thumb here,

your finger there, you get the person in the middle,

you get your target in the middle-

-I know what you're doing, you amateur!

You're doing it on my turf.

Would you please leave?

- Your turf?

- Let go. Yes, my turf.

- Now, b*at it. - I'm not going nowhere!

- Ha-ha!

Moron! Moron!

'Not going nowhere' is a double negative,

which means you're going somewhere!

Ha!

So, why don't you get lost, huh?

Come on!

You wanna go? You wanna?

Huh? You wanna?

- Okay.

Let's--let's go for it.

- I'll crush your head. - I'm pinching your face!

- Hey, I'm over here! I'm pinching your--

Whoo! Missed!

Missed! Missed again!

Whoa!

- Oh, I have fallen.

- I got you now.

- [shrieks]

[groans]

- Aah!

Please don't! No, please!

Aah!

- Never mess with a pro, buddy.

Outta here.

Outta here!

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- Hey, man!

This is the best-looking man in the world.

♪ Get a mip-map-mop and a brim-bram-broom ♪

♪ And clim-clam-clean up the rim-ram-room ♪

♪ 'Cause your bim-bam-baby's coming home tonight ♪

♪ Get my slim-slam-slippers and my easy chair ♪

♪ Run your flim-flam-fingers through my greasy hair ♪

♪ And kiss me baby

♪ Let me hold you tight

♪ I've been north and south and east and west ♪

♪ But even a honeybee needs some rest ♪

♪ When I get my jacket and my trousers pressed ♪

♪ I'm gonna follow the swallow right back to the nest ♪

♪ Don't you wim-wam-worry if my train is late ♪

♪ I'm gonna shim-sham-shuffle on a frim-fram-freight ♪

♪ 'Cause your bim-bam-baby's shaking home tonight ♪

♪ Flim-flam

♪ A bim-bam

♪ Flim-flam

♪ A-rim ram

♪ Shoop do wap do do ow do do wah ♪

- All right now, son, I want you to get a good night's rest.

And remember, I can m*rder you while you sleep.

It's easy, son,

all you have to be is quiet and willing to do it.

And, son, I am willing to do it.

And I've got quiet shoes.

Good night, son. Sleep well.

- Daddy drank.

- Oh, son!

Son, how many girls called you today?

Zero?

And how many girls called you yesterday?

Let me guess. Zero?

Well, you know what they say, son.

Zero plus zero equals f*g!

Zero times any other number always equals f*g!

Think about it, you little mathematician.

- Daddy was a salesman. Daddy drank.

- Son!

Son, wake up! Wake up.

It's midnight Christmas eve,

and I just wanted to say thank you, son.

I don't deserve this, son.

I don't deserve anything to be honest with you.

I just don't deserve this.

What the hell is this?

Tap shoes?

I don't dance.

I can't dance, you little bastard!

- Daddy couldn't dance.

Oh, Daddy could drink.

- Hey, son,

you know how you've been bugging me to go and get you a puppy?

Well today after work, I went out,

and I bought you one.

But on the way home, I got hungry, and I ate it.

I'm joking.

I'd never buy you a puppy.

- Why didn't Daddy give up drinking?

He couldn't.

Daddy drank for the government.

[tap shoes clinking]

- Oh, did I wake you, son?

Jeez, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up there.

I'm just looking for my moccasins.

I don't know where they seem to have disappeared somehow oddly.

Well, you just--you just get a good night's sleep.

I'm going to go out and buy a lot of carpeting.

I mean, why not?

I sell the crap, don't I?

- Oh sure, I drink a little, but I'm not my Daddy.

He was older and had children like me.

Oh, I drink before I go to bed when I sleep.

It's not a drinking thing, it's a sleeping thing.

- [laughing]

-We can solve it with the three chairs.

Take out the three chairs.

This is my idea-- replace them with one big sofa.

And you put the sofa, you know, against a wall

or underneath a window.

It think it'll look nice, and I like that lamp.

It truly is the finest feature of the living room space.

Space is the whole key to happy living,

I think, you know?

Maybe we have too much space.

Maybe we should get boarders to come in

so the living room looks tighter.

Maybe we should have people in it all the time, you know?

We'll just have parties and invite people in.

I was never happy with the second floor.

Maybe we should take out the second floor.

Put it beside the living room.

We have a very wide living room.

Course, the interesting thing about space is,

honey, is that it is everywhere you go.

In fact, I kind of like the way they use the space here.

You know, if they had three small chairs here--

- Excuse me, hon.

I've got to go freshen my hors d'oeuvre.

Hi. - Hi.

[both chuckle]

- Hors d'oeuvres. - Yes.

I loved them as a child.

- Me too.

- Then we should meet for lunch sometime.

- Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.

- No, not just lunch.

[both grunting]

[air whooshing]

[percussive sound]

[roaring sound]

[whip cracking]

[tightening sound]

- Well, you mingle. You come to a party to mingle.

No, I won't shut up. - Hello, Sharon.

- Darrill, hi. - Good to see you.

- Good to see you.

Rory, thank you for finally coming to one of my parties.

- Thanks for inviting us.

- Listen, come on over here.

There's someone I want to introduce you to.

- Good, mingling.

- Sandra, darling, turn around.

I want you to meet Sharon and Rory.

Rory and Sharon, this is my wife, Sandra.

She's all I have in the world.

- Nice to meet ya, ma'am.

- Well, go on, Sandra; Rory doesn't bite.

- Hors d'oeuvre?

- No, thanks.

You know me and food.

- Hors d'oeuvre?

- Uh, no, thanks.

I had lunch alone in my office.

[screams]

- Hey, you two should have an affair.

[both laugh]

- Sharon!

[laughter]

- Sandra, you don't usually laugh this much.

But she sure has been shaving her legs an awful lot.

- What are we doing?

This is crazy.

We're involved in craziness.

Your wife, my husband--

I think he knows.

We've got to talk.

[grunting]

[screams]

We forgot to talk.

Listen, what are we doing?

- You're right. This is crazy.

- We're involved in craziness.

- You're right.

Your husband.

- Your wife. - You're right.

I think they know.

- Bye. - Bye.

[melancholy opera music]

♪

[sloshing sound]

[dull thuds]

[sloshing sound]

[springing sounds]

[deflating sound]

[squishing sound]

- I love it.

[sound of engine revving]

[roaring sound]

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- Wanna know something?

[exaggerated running]

It's a fact.

The queen of England doesn't know her ABCs anymore.

- A, B, C, D, X, P, Q.

R, X, Y, D.

Hello!

R, V.

♪ Rule Britannia

- Sad, eh? She's old.

It's a fact.

[indistinct speech over PA]

- Wanna know something?

I'm a bad doctor.

I'm not boasting. I mean, who would?

Just stating a fact that I've never really

gotten the hang of the whole healing-the-sick thing.

And don't interpret this as some sort of false modesty.

Please, it's not.

It's not like I'm weak in some areas.

No, I'm h*m* unqualified to practice medicine

in any capacity.

I really don't have a clue.

And no one could be more shocked than me

that I've been allowed to rise to a position

of such importance and responsibility.

I guess it all started in high school

where I was a very bad science student.

One day when we were supposed to be dissecting a frog,

I accidentally disassembled my desk.

Oh, but, you know, I was a popular kid.

You know, the other students were always very eager

to help me out.

So, you know, during a test, whenever I'd get

that confused look on my face,

which was invariably,

well, the cheat notes would just start flying.

Even the teachers would start whispering answers,

you know, "Ahem, mitochondria."

But I didn't worry about it.

I figured, how far can you coast on charm?

Well, pretty far, actually!

They just offered me the job of Chief of Surgery.

Apparently, I've logged more hours in surgery

than any other man my age.

, hours this year alone.

What no one seems to have noticed

is that it was all with the same patient.

Oh, I want to show you something.

You know what this is?

Urine.

Another man's urine.

I ask for it, and they give it to me.

I don't know what to do with it.

I've got a fridge full of this stuff.

I mean, I suppose I could send it out to the lab,

but they'd only send back a lot of test results

I couldn't possibly understand.

The only thing I'm actually sort of good at is referrals.

You know that thing where

doctors send patients to other doctors.

Well, I'm the king of referrals.

What I do is, I call the, um...

the sick person into my office,

and I stare for a long time really seriously

at this blank sheet of paper.

Then I say, "Hmmm.

"I'd like you to see someone.

"He's a specialist in this area."

There are specialists who have their whole career

based on my referrals.

I am the cornerstone of a medical empire.

Well, I really should be going.

I've got to tell the family that the patient didn't make it.

It's the hardest part of being a doctor...

I think.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- So, Don, this green line represents our product.

And the other green lines represent

the competitor's product.

So what we've got here, basically, is a case of--

- Uh-oh.

See, it's kind of hard to read,

'cause all the lines are green.

What I would have done is use some different colors

for the different lines.

Then it would have been a lot easier to read.

- Oh, jeez, you're right.

God, jeez, you know, Don?

That's probably why you're in the big comfy chair, huh?

- Well, you work hard,Harris,

maybe someday you'll have a chair like this too.

- Ah, yes. - Now, I tell you one thing.

- When these guys from the east come in,

don't even show 'em that graph, they won't understand it.

What you gotta do is just

look 'em straight in the eye, but not--

well, would you like a Kleenex?

- Uh, no. - Fine.

These guys are brass men.

They're old brass, but they're not tarnished.

They're not stupid; they don't have those thick heads that--

- Don, I hate to interrupt you, but, uh,

did you have a cucumber sandwich for lunch?

- No.

I had a cucumber salad a couple of days ago.

- I see, okay, I get it,

you see, 'cause you got a little tiny piece of food

right there on your upper lip.

- Oh. Okay.

These guys are brass men.

They're all brass, but the thing that--

- I hate to interrupt you again, but you missed it.

- What?

- Well, the crumb's still there, you see.

- There we go. There we go.

- Okay, yeah. - Yeah.

- No, still there, Don.

- I didn't get it? - Nope.

- Oh, these mustaches, you know. - Yeah.

- The women love them. They go crazy for them.

But they collect food like a food place.

There we go. - It's still there.

- I didn't get it.

Jesus.

There we go. There we go.

- Afraid not. - Yeah.

These guys from the east, you know.

Yeah. - Nope.

- Oh, there it is. Right down there.

- Right down there? Oh, you got her.

- Oh, yeah. Got that--

- Still there.

- How's that?

- Jeez, Don, you know, you almost got it,

then you missed it completely.

You got it, Don? - There she is!

- There you go! That's it!

- There she is. - Do it, Don!

- Bingo.

- Ah, jeez, Don, no, not quite.

Yeah, it's still there.

- [cries out angrily]

- Don.

Don, Don, Don!

It's above your waist.

- What? - It's above your waist.

It's just a tiny little piece of food

right there on your upper lip.

- Where? - It's right here.

Don, let me show you.

It's right here

on your upper lip.

Yeah. There we go.

Don. Don.Yeah.

No. No. - Did I get it?

- No, Don, think of me as a mirror, okay?

Right here, above the lip. Lower, lower.

No, no, Don. Left, right.

No, no, Don, on the face-

- Got it. - That's not it.

- Well, what's that then? - That's something else.

- [screams]

- Don, you're thinki'' about it too much, okay?

Let's relax, let's cool out.

Let's start fresh from the beginning

as if this never happened.

So, what I'm talking about with these green lines

is our product and-

- I didn't get it.

- Don, I really want you to get this.

- Me too.

- Not even close.

- [screams angrily]

- Go for it, Don!

[water splashing]

[spigot squeaking]

- I got it, right?

- You got it, Don.

- Yeah, that's what I thought.

So when these guys get in here,

the first thing you gotta know is--

- Don, you got a little stain on your shirt there.

- Where? - Right there.

- I don't see a stain.

[laid-back rock music]

♪

- Hey, you know what?

It's a fact.

My neighbors have been in love for years.

- Your legs drive me crazy. - Stop it.

- Your arms drive me crazy.

- Stop!

- Your smile always drove me crazy.

- [laughs]

- years of love.

Of course, the booze helps.

It's a fact.

- So I guess my th favorite band

would have to be the Pogues.

- Me too.

- And I guess my th favorite band is

Aerosmith, definitely Aerosmith.

- Yeah, me too. - Really?

My th favorite band--

It's a toss-up between several good bands from Scotland.

- Do you know what I like?

The rain.

It's so romantic.

- Yeah.

Gosh, Marilyn,

you look really pretty in this light.

- Really?

[laughing]

So do you remember the first time we kissed?

- Yeah.

It was at choir practice. - Yeah.

- And we got caught.

- Yeah, that was so romantic.

[laughs]

- Yeah, it was romantic.

Are you sure we should be in your parents' bedroom?

- Yeah, they're away until tomorrow.

- Right.

- So do you love me?

- Yeah?

- Great. 'Cause I bought a condom.

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Are you okay?

- Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Why?

- Well, you look pale.

- Oh, no, no, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Well, I guess we should...

begin.

- Yeah.

Wait.

I'll go and get changed.

- Oh, sure.

[ominous music]

♪

[growling]

♪

- Oh, my God!

Stop.

[laid-back music]

♪

- Ever since I quit smoking,

I've had a renewed interest in athletics.

Well, athletes.

That's why when my friend Opal asked me if I would--

asked me if I would manage her lesbian softball team

while she was away fighting in the gulf--

she's a sailor--

I said yes.

But I made it completely clear to Opal

and the rest of the girls that when I say "manage,"

I mean the whole ball of wax.

That means pitching, catching,

running, hair, wardrobe, attitude...

This was my design for the team uniform.

But the women said it was too--

get ready for this: girly.

As if anything can be.

Oh, well, to be unappreciated in one's own lifetime.

So, even though our uniforms were drab,

at least the game proved to be exciting.

In fact, it proved to be positive filmic.

For the first eight innings, it seemed hopeless.

Then, all of a sudden, bang-bang-bang!

The bases were loaded,

and our batter already had two strikes against her.

What next?

Come on, Patty!

Hit that round white leathery thing

all the way to the great white way!

Then just run the bases

and don't make a big to-do about it!

Come on, Patty, let's play ball!

- Strike three. You're out.

- What do you mean, a strike?

- Let's go, Shona!

Come on, Tiger!

Let's show them who's boss! Yeah!

Okay, Shona,

this reminds me of the time that Coco Chanel and I

had this huge disagreement

over what to wear to De Gaulle's funeral.

And I said, "I'm not even going."

And she said, "You're gonna--

- Buddy, not now. I'm trying to concentrate.

- Well, excuse me for coaching.

Pitcher's got a rubber wrist.

[team cheering]

- Stee-rike one.

Stee-rike two.

- Stee-rike three. You're out.

- [screams triumphantly]

- Martini?

- Get off my back, buddy.

- That one's got a chip on her shoulder

the size of Yankee Stadium.

Okay, let's see, who's up to bat?

Looks like it's Sylvia

Okay, Sylvia.

- It's time for me to strike out and lose the game for everyone.

- Let's go, Tiger.

[suspenseful music]

♪

- Two down. Bottom of the ninth.

Bases are loaded.

God, I love clichés.

Hang on, Sylvia. Give me that stick.

- But you're a man.

- Labels.

[sparkle]

Ready.

- Stee-rike one.

- It had attitude.

- Stee-rike two.

- I was thinking of something else.

[dramatic music]

♪

[bat collides with ball]

[all cheering]

Touchdown.

Hold this. I'll be back.

First.

Ta-da.

Thanks.

There's no place like home.

- I couldn't believe it, buddy!

I've never seen anyone hit a ball like that before!

- Ah, it wasn't so great; you were lucky.

- Look, girls.

[all scream]

- Gee, thanks, buddy.

- That could have been nasty.

This ball's been around more than I have.

Stick with me, girls.

We're going all the way to the pendant.

To Sappho's Sluggers!

[all cheer]