06x22 - The Devil and Dr. Weston

[bunniefuu]

Okay, stay, stay.

Hi, Dr. Weston,
I hope I'm not disturbing you.

No, no, no.

It's so nice
to see you again... um...

Remember?

I volunteered at your clinic
for a little while

to try to get over
my dead sister,

but that didn't work, so...

Then I went on vacation
and now I'm back

and I feel pretty good
about my sister.

Well, except for the fact
that she's still dead.

Doris.
- Doris! Doris!

Please, please, come on in.
Wow.

So, what can I do for you?

- Let me introduce myself.
My name is Doris

and I'm your neighborhood
"lady Rhonda cosmetics" girl

and today's your lucky day.

I'm here to offer you the finest
of personal grooming products...

- Excuse me...
- Please don't talk!

I'll lose my place.

Okay...

sh**t!

Well...
Let me introduce myself.

My name is Doris
and I'm your neigh...

- Excuse me, I... I'm just...
I'm not really interested

in any personal
grooming products today.

Okay, course not.

Sorry I bothered you.

Bye.

- No, wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no.

It's... it's all right.

What have you got?

I have roll-on mousse.

That's... roll-on mousse?

Well... I'll... I'll take one.

Do you want "orange blossom"
or "new car smell"?

..."new car."

Leather or velour?

Surprise me.

Fine, that's all right, dear,
I'll just take that one.

- What? What?
You need more?

I... I don't have any change.

I've never needed it before.

Stupid, stupid!

I... I could bring you
your change tonight.

No, that'll... that'll be fine,
dear.

It's nice to see you again...

- Doris.
- Doris!

♪ I'm always here

♪ for anything you need...

♪ ...rain or shine

♪ I'll be the one...

♪ ...we share it all

♪ as life goes on

Maxine, this X-ray is so blurry.

What is it supposed to be?

I think that's
Mr. Stevenson's left ankle.

It doesn't look like an ankle,
it looks like a...

A cold front moving in
from Canada.

It's that damn X-ray
machine again.

It's...

What is that smell?

I don't smell anything.

Is that your hair?
- Would you? Look...

Can we just get to work, please?
Where is Laverne?

In hickory.

She had to go home and see
tater Norton in the hospital.

I believe his Christian name
is "potato."

Well, anyway, "potato"
was passed out in the Meadow.

Some crazy kids were out
cow tipping,

and it seems tater
got flattened.

Or, should I say...

Mashed!

Harry, you know,
we have got to raise some money

for a new X-ray machine.

I think we better work
the phones tonight.

- Can't, dear.
I'm going to the opera.

- Opera?
Hey, rich people.

Maybe you could
raise some money there.

What do you want me to do?

Stand in the lobby
with a tambourine?

Good idea.

Here's a cup.

Did you get a new car?

No.

- Well, hi.
I've been expecting you.

How? You don't know me.

Yes, I do. My father told me
you were coming.

He remembered me?

Yes, you're...

Beatrice!

- Doris.
- Doris!

- I have Dr. Weston's change.
- Thanks.

Okay, well, bye-bye.

What?

I don't suppose
you'd be interested

in seeing any of my products?

No, I don't think so.

Right. Why would you need
beauty products?

You're so beautiful.

Do come in.

- Are you sure?
I'm a pretty lousy salesperson.

I mean, I wouldn't even
buy anything from me

and I could really use
some beauty products.

Don't put yourself down
like that.

- Sorry.
- Don't apologize.

Okay, sorry.

Oops, sorry.

I can smell low self-esteem
a mile away.

Doris, I hope you don't
take this the wrong way,

but you need help.

I know I do.

For what?

Doris, you may find this
hard to believe,

but I've struggled with
my own self-esteem issues.

Well, maybe you could give me
a few pointers.

Well, I don't really think
I'm qualified.

But you're so together,
so self-assured.

Do sit down.

- I hate to bother you.
Your time must be so valuable.

It is.

Doris, are you sure
you want me to help you?

- If you want to.
- What do you want?

Whatever you want.

Doris, do you know
what you're doing?

Sweating.

- Good morning, Harry.
- Morning, Sophia.

Hey, Harry,
did you get a new car?

- Yes, Sophia.
Yes, I did.

Well, it stinks.

Hi, Sophia.

What are you doing
down here so early?

There's a sale
at Victoria's secret.

Half off on g-strings.

Sophia, maybe you don't realize

what they mean by g-strings.

Buttless underwear.

Surprise, surprise!

Marg...

Margaret, Margaret!
What... what is all this?

Well, last night at the opera,

you mentioned that you needed
a new X-ray machine.

Voila.

Margaret, you shouldn't have.

Shut up, Harry.

Hi, I'm Dr. Maxine Douglas

and this is
very generous of you.

- Margaret Randall.
It's my pleasure.

And a significant tax deduction.

Hey, as long as
you're giving stuff away,

we could use a new
air hockey table at the home.

Boy, I can't wait to try
this baby out!

Right this way, boys.

And strip down to your shorts.

I'm in a picture-taking mood.

Margaret, I... I don't know
how to thank you.

Well, you can thank me by being

at my house tomorrow night.

I'm having a dinner party

and I will not take "no"
for an answer.

In that case, I'd be delighted.

- Wonderful!
Dinner's at 8:00.

I'll... be counting
the minutes.

Looks like someone's
got the hots for you, Harry.

- Sophia, don't be silly.
She's an acquaintance.

I gave her a ride home
the other night.

And she gave you
an X-ray machine.

What was it, loverboy?

A little full-contact
fundraising?

No, Sophia,
there was no contact.

Well, there was
an accidental brush

when I reached over
to open the door for her.

See? Good things happen

when you go around
feeling up old ladies.

Harry! I'm so glad
you could make it.

Margaret,
this is an incredible house.

Did you have any trouble
finding it?

Not at all.

I just followed the signs
on the parkway.

It says "Margaret's house:
Next three exits."

Harry, that's marvelous!

Everybody gather round!

Did you hear what Harry said?

Margaret, it really wasn't
that funny.

It was...

I asked him if he had trouble
finding the house

and what was it you said, Harry?

I... I said there were signs
on the parkway

that said "Margaret's house:
Next three exits."

Yes!

I don't get it.

Because it's big, George.

So this is the Harry we've
been hearing so much about!

I am? You have?

George, how much did you say

you were contributing
to Harry's clinic?

How 'bout if I get back to you?

How 'bout if I get a new lawyer?

I'm back
and I'm writing a check.

Margaret, I really appreciate
all that you're doing for us,

but I'm not quite sure
what we've done to deserve this.

You touched me last night,
Harry.

That was an accident.

Well, I mean,
you know, your work.

It's so selfless, so meaningful.

Well, thank you very much.

- Well, shall we eat?
- Yes.

Time for dinner, everyone!

Shall we all just go along
into the dining room?

- Margaret, you're right.
- He's darling.

I should hope so.

He's going to
be my next husband.

Would you excuse me
for a minute, Harry?

- Certainly, dear.
- Thank you.

So, Harry...

Looks like Margaret's
taken quite a liking to you.

Well, I... I like her, too.

A word to the wise, Harry.

She adores French bath oil.

Sure, well, who doesn't?

So, you're the new boyfriend.

- I'm Edgar.
- Harry.

What did you say?

Now, you take good care
of my girl.

I'm sorry, sir.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Margaret.

She's madly in love with you.

Well, I guess the best man won.

Wait, wait, excuse me.

I have no feelings for Margaret.

You mean she's just
a plaything to you?

Now, now, now, I'm warning you,
young man.

If you break her heart I... I...

I shall have to give you
a good caning.

Edgar, Edgar,
you have the wrong idea.

I... I barely know Margaret.

There's absolutely nothing
going on between us.

Nothing?

I beg your pardon, Harry.
I'm sorry I was so hard on you.

It's this blasted temper
of mine.

Listen, Edgar, if you're
interested in Margaret...

I... I adore the woman.

But she hardly knows I'm alive.

Well, why don't you tell her
how you feel?

- I will.
- I will.

I... I'm just waiting
for the right moment.

How... how long
have you been waiting?

Since 1938.

Now, before we begin,

have you ever had any
counseling, therapy, groups?

I took a course
in assertiveness training.

Really? You?

Yes!

That was as far as I got.

Okay.

Let's paint a little picture
of Doris.

Now, what are the things
you like about yourself?

I can control my hiccups.

That's it?

You think it's easy?

All right.

And what are the areas that
you feel could use improvement?

Everything else.

Doris.

I know all about
that little voice that says

you can't do anything right.

You know my mother?

No, it's the voice inside.

The one that says,
"you're a lousy salesperson,"

or, "no man
will ever want you."

And you must learn to respond
with your own voice, and say,

"tish tosh. I like me."

Even when your voice says,
"look at you.

"Look at you.
Your business has failed.

"And you're an unmarried mother
living at home.

And the only man in your life
is your father."

God!

- Maxine.
- Harry,

I just love
my new X-ray machine.

I'm seeing things I haven't
seen in months, like...

The insides of patients.

- Maxine, I've...
I've got a little problem.

- You need an X-ray?
I'll X-ray you.

No, I mean, I accepted
this machine without realizing

why Margaret
was being so generous.

I thought she wanted
to help us out.

Well, that,
and I'm afraid she's...

Hopelessly in love with me.

Really?

Wow, Harry,
if you play your cards right,

we might get a new EKG machine.

- Come on, Maxine.
I'm serious.

Or maybe an mri, or a cat scan.

Boy, Harry, if you're
half the man I think you are,

I could be lookin'
at a new buick.

Doris, you have to
come out of there.

- I've changed my mind.
I don't wanna meet a man.

Then I would suggest you
come out of the men's room.

My god.

Okay, now be strong.

And remember, you may not
find a man tonight.

It can take weeks, months,

you could sit here,
night after night,

and the only person
who even says "hello"

just wants to know
if you're using your ashtray.

I've heard.

Now remember
everything I taught you.

Lipstick check...

Good.

And toss, toss, fluff...

Excellent.

Now let's try our laugh.

And you're cleared for takeoff.

- I hope I don't crash.
- Don't be silly.

Now, Doris, go out there
and make me proud.

And remember, self-esteem
doesn't happen overnight.

So what do you think
of my friend?

She's very pretty.

Prettier than me?

Hello, Margaret.

- Harry.
What a wonderful surprise.

- I... I'm not interrupting, am I?
- Not at all.

I'm so happy to see you.

Well, Margaret, I need
to... I need to talk with you.

Well, it's not about
the X-ray machine, is it?

God, I hope not.

Harry, isn't this nice?

It's so much more pleasant
than last night.

Just the two of us.

Margaret, you're
a very attractive woman,

and I like you so very much.

- I heard that.
- Edgar.

What are you doing here?
I have company.

So, I see.

The flowers are for you,
my dear.

But for you, sir,
a severe tongue-lashing.

- Edgar, just... just calm down.
- I will not calm down.

I'm not giving up
the woman I love

to the first Randy dandy
that comes along.

Randy dandy?

No more words.

I'm going to take action.

I brought pistols.

I left them in the cab.

- Edgar, what is this?
- No, just...

- You're just being ridiculous.
- Stay out of this.

I'm sorry I spoke
so harshly to you, my dear,

but I am vexed...

Up to here.

You really don't understand.

Don't try to sweet talk
your way out of this, young man.

I'm not losing Margaret
without a fight.

And if you're not man enough
to fight for her,

you don't deserve her.

Edgar, I'm not gonna fight you.

You're... you're conceding?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes, I am.
Yes, I am.

And, Margaret, I'm sorry.

Margaret, I'm terribly sorry
too for disturbing you, but...

I'm blind with passion.

You've gotta love that.

Edgar, would you give me
a moment alone with Harry?

Perhaps you could put these
in some water for me.

Now... now remember that I'm
just in the kitchen.

No funny business.

Well, I mean,
Edgar won fair and square.

I suppose it's... better
to have loved and lost than...

Knock it off, Harry.

You were never really
interested in me, were you?

Well, I just hope I didn't
do anything to lead you on.

Harry. I was the one
who went after you.

Well, at least
I could've done something...

Shut up, Harry.

I am letting you off the hook.

Well, maybe it all worked out
better this way.

I mean, it looks like
Edgar is like...

Nuts about you.

He's just nuts.

But he is a dear, and...

You know, I never really thought
about him that way before.

Though I do think he's got

a bit of fire left in him,
don't you?

I'll say,
with the dueling, the caning,

the slashing and lashing,

I mean,
this man is downright dangerous.

You're sweet, Harry.

Come over here.

- I hope you'll be very happy.
- Thank you.

You never give up, do you?

Can you blame a man?

Just... just... just...

Carol.

Carol, it happened.
I met someone wonderful.

- Already?
Boy, I am good.

Come on, I want you to meet him.

No!

- Hey, Carol.
You look great.

Must be getting
close to last call.

- No! No!
I can't let this happen.

- Carol, what are you doing?
Stop it!

Yeah, Carol,
go get your own girl.

Charley, go home!

You're not the boss of me.

Doris, may I speak with you
for a minute?

I... I'll be right back.

Hey, I've heard that one before.

How do I know you're not
going to go to the ladies' room

and sneak out the window?

Here.

Have the other half
when you get back.

A $1 bill?

There's three more
where that came from.

Isn't he cute?

- I cannot allow this to happen.
All my hard work.

What are you talking about?

Charley.

I... I know him. He's...
He's shallow and superficial.

He's an idiot.

So? You think
I'd come to this place

to find a meaningful
relationship?

I want to have fun, Carol.

Yes, but you don't know
what Charley's idea of fun is.

- Yes, I do.
He told me.

Doris, I don't want you
to go out with Charley.

You wanna hear something great?

What?

I don't care what you want.

After all I've done for you?

Carol, that...

That is what you've done for me.

Fly away, little bird.

Sophia?

What are you doing here?

What do you think
I'm doin' here?

I came for the free pretzels.