Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)

[bunniefuu]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

It is time.

They've reached the second crucial
turning point in their destiny.

Their message is about to reach millions.

But... we will change all that.

When our mission is successful...

no longer will the world be dominated...

by the legacy of these two fools!

No longer will we hear this:
[GUITAR NOISE]

We will stop them now!

Brothers and sisters...

are we ready?

[g*ns BEING c*ck]

[GLASS BREAKING]

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
- [WHOOSHING]

- Greetings, my excellent pupils.
- Station.

Today we continue our study of the
physics of acoustical reverberation.

I'd like you to meet today's
most non-bogus guest speakers.

Say hello to an old friend, Thomas Edison.

Hello there.

And to help us on the
musical side of things:

Johann Sebastian Bach.

And Sir James Martin of Faith No More...

founder of the Faith No More
Spiritual and Theological Center.

- Station!
- Station!

And a special treat from the 23rd century:

Miss Ria Paschelle.

Miss Paschelle, as you all know, is
the inventor of the...

statiophonicoxygeneticamp-
lifiagraphiphonideliverberator.

Kind of hard to imagine the world
before we had them, isn't it?

OK, remember, this Friday, Ben Franklin
and Aretha Franklin will be here.

Saturday is the field trip
to Babylonia. And very important:

Do not do your homework without
wearing headphones...

- Repeat...
- [EXPLOSIONS]

De Nomolos. My old teacher.

Rufus. My favorite pupil.

- I thought you were...
- Dead?

No.

Just in preparation.

I worked within the system
until I could stand it no longer.

And soon...

soon, the system will never have existed.

- You won't get away with it.
- Time will tell.

Time has told.

I'll go back and change that,
with the aid of my secret weapons!

How's it going, dudes?

Friends, friends, friends.
These are automatons.

Replicas only. Furnished with my agenda.

Now, what is your mission?

- First, we totally k*ll Bill and Ted.
- Yeah, then we take over their lives.

Then we utterly destroy them.

Then, at the Battle of the Bands, we give
the speech they were gonna give

except totally different.

And thus a new future is born.
A great future.

Don't tell us, duder. You programmed us.

- He's totally a robot!
- So are you, dude!

We're total metal heads!

[GUITAR NOODLING]

Do shut up.

Now.

[GUITAR NOODLING]

- What is the fuel?
- Fear!

- What is the engine?
- Discipline!

- What is the ideal?
- Order!

And how do we achieve it?

Death to Bill and Ted!

Catch you later, evil dude.

[BUTTONS PRESSING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

I am Bill S. Preston...

Esquire!

This is Ted "Theodore" Logan!

On drums and keyboards...

celebrating their fifth year
in the 20th century...

the beautiful princesses
from medieval England.

Joanna and Elizabeth.

And we are...

Wyld Stallyns.

[BAND NOISE]

Guys!

You keep telling me you're gonna be
the greatest band in the world, but you stink.

Yeah.

We don't understand it either.

I mean, you can't sing.

- The girls can play. But you guys?
- Girls mature faster than guys.

Plus, they started in the 15th century.

What do you mean?

- They're from medieval England.
- Ted, shut up.

Medieval England, Iowa.

Guys, the point is the
Battle of the Bands is

the biggest event for
new groups in the area.

We're talking
about a $25,000 first prize...

a two-year record deal
and a chance to be seen by

the most important people in the business.

I mean, we've even got
live coverage on Channel 12.

Now, if you were me,
would you put you guys on?

No way.

However, since you guys do work for
Pretzels 'N' Cheese, I'll give you a shot.

Excellent!

[GUITAR NOODLING]

But last. Midnight. Probably by that
time, everyone will be gone home.

That's all right. I mean,
we're used to that.

Yeah, we fully cleaned out Ted's little
brother's junior high school dance.

They totally turned on "La Bamba"
while he was playing his solo.

Shut up, Ted!

Guys, do yourself a favor.
Prepare a little.

Work on your act.
I mean, think of something.

Don't worry, Ms. Wardroe.
We won't let you down.

- Dude, we gotta win at that concert.
- Then we could finally propose to the ladies.

I know.

There's no way we can raise a family on the
money we make at Pretzels 'N' Cheese, dude.

I'll call Missy, tell her
we're on our way.

Should be a most resplendent
birthday party.

- Shall we, ladies?
- Great, sure.

# [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] #

So I understand you two have a little
something else to celebrate tonight.

We got into the Battle of the Bands.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

If we win, I can totally
pay you back the money I owe you.

And what if you don't win?

Well, um, I guess...

Maybe sell some more blood.

Perhaps you should think about
selling a couple of the instruments.

Of course, we've always got
a spot for you, Ted.

You remember my old friend, Colonel
Oats from the Alaskan Military School?

Oh, um...

- "How's it going?", Ted?
- Yeah.

Splendidly.

Remember...

it's not too late for you, Ted.

Yeah.

Whoa.

For either of you.

For all four of you.

[LAUGHING]

Fresh fudge.

- Hi, Oatsie.
- Hi.

Darling.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Missy.

Hey, Missy. I mean, Mom.

I can't believe Missy divorced your dad...

and married mine.

Shut up, Ted.

- Your dad looks bad.
- I know.

What's next?

- Maybe she'll marry you.
- Yeah, then you'll be your own stepdad.

You've probably noticed we haven't
given you our gifts yet.

Yeah. That's because...

Uh... well...

That's because what we
wanted to say was, uh...

well... uh...

Excuse us, dude.

I wrote this myself.

I wrote this last night.

"Elizabeth..."

"Joanna...

as I wander through this dark
and lonely forest of life..."

"surrounded by various beasts..."

"bears, vipers, squirrels..."

"Not to mention barnacles and algae..."

"man-of-wars, starfish,
blowfish, catfish..."

Oh, no, that's freshwater.

The point is, I know we promised you
a better life than this.

What I mean to say is, I realize
when we took you out of England...

we said the future held
some really good stuff.

Although stuff hasn't
worked out the way we thought...

it will, we hope.

The day after tomorrow,
if things work out...

What this is about is...

- Will you...?
- Marry us?

- Theodore...
- I'd love to.

[GUITAR NOODLING]

Yeah!

[LIGHTNING CRACKLES]

# [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] #

- Aim for the cat, dude! Aim for the cat!
- I'm trying, Evil Ted! I'm trying!

- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
- [CRASH]

Aw, just missed!

- Not bad.
- Yeah, let's make it bad.

[LAUGHING]

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]

We're here, dude.

Is Rufus with you?

One second.

Looks like we lost him in the
circuits of time, duder.

Good. Then he's gone forever.

Our first act of business:

Destroy that ridiculous, insipid band!

You got it, dude!

Get to work.

Now!

Study these books well.

When my mission is completed...

this will be the new history.

What a shithead.

- Bye!
- Bye!

Drive safe!

- Dude.
- What?

I wonder if after we're married,
the princesses will stay over with us?

Yeah, our girlfriends are most chaste.

- Yeah. At least they're not dating our dads.
- Good point, dude.

- Yeah.
- [TELEPHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
- Hello, Bill. This is Joanna.

Hey, Joanna! How'd you call us so fast?

It's not important. This is:

Elizabeth and I have spoken, and we've
decided we're quitting Wyld Stallyns.

What?

- Yes!
- Why?

We think you're losers and
we never want to see you again.

No way!

We're going to the desert to be alone.

- But...
- It's over. Goodbye.

- I totally fooled those other usses.
- Yeah, they're completely brilliant.

Not!

[GUITAR NOODLING]

- Let's fitch the booth and start phase two.
- Station.

[BUTTONS PRESSING]

- [ELECTRONIC BEEPING]
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[GUITAR NOODLING]

An incredible fortune in stones.

Yet I would trade them all
for a hand phaser.

Or a good solid club.

Maybe we should've proposed
to them sooner.

How could we, Ted?

We could barely afford our own apartment.

This is most non-non-heinous.

- What are we gonna do?
- We gotta find them.

Talk to 'em.

But how?

[KNOCKING]

Wonder who that could be?

How's it going, Bill and Ted?

Ted, it's us again.

- How's it going, Bill?
- Not bad, Bill. And you?

Bad.

We came to help you guys in your most
unfortunate situation.

Yeah.

How?

Come with us. We'll show you.

Okay.

Excuse us.

Dude.

- I got a weird feeling here.
- Why?

I don't know.

How do we know these guys are really us?

Ted, we've been through this before.

Now if it wasn't for the previous
intervention of our future selves...

would we have even passed history?
Or met the babes?

Or had a most excellent adventure
through time?

Okay.

Ted, if you're really me, how many
fingers am I about to hold up?

Three.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

You're right!

Let's go, guys. We'll drive.

- Ted.
- What?

I have a feeling we're about to embark
on a most unprecedented expedition.

- Dude.
- What?

I got a full-on robot chubby.

Later, Evil Ted.

Later.

# [FAITH NO MORE'S
"THE PERFECT CRIME" PLAYING] #

I'm cold.

Yeah.

Hey! Dudes! Can we have
some heat back here?

Shut up, Bill.

That other you's a real jerk.

Yeah! I better remember to be more
considerate towards myself when I become him.

He said, shut your holes!

Dude.

I got a very bad feeling.

Out.

So, where are Joanna and Elizabeth?

They're not here.

Yeah. We lied. Here's the truth,
we're totally gonna k*ll you now.

[LAUGHING]

- No way!
- Yes way, Ted.

- We're fully programmed to do it.
- Yeah, and we want to do it, too.

You d*ck, Bill!

[LAUGHING]

- [METALLIC CLANG]
- Ow!

- You're metal, dude!
- I know. Check it out!

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]

Whoa!

[GUITAR NOODLING]

Let's go.

Bogus.

# [MEGADETH'S "GO TO HELL" PLAYING] #

- [LAUGHING]
- Ted...

we gotta do something.

Dudes, even though you're doing this...

we, we...

we love you.

We love you.

f*gs!

[BILL AND TED SCREAMING]

Catch you later, Bill and Ted!

[LAUGHING]

Yes! I totally loogied on that
good dead me!

Yeah!

[METALLIC CLANK]

- We're fully, full-on evil robots.
- Yeah!

[GUITAR NOODLING]

- You wanna take the van?
- No, it's beat.

There's a Porsche.

# [KING'S X'S "JUNIOR'S
GONE WILD" PLAYING] #

Let's bag it.

Station.

Bill...

what happened?

Ted...

we're dead, dude.

- No way.
- Yes way.

Look.

Now what?

Who's that?

Whoa!

Who are you?

Ted...

it's the Grim Reaper, dude.

Oh.

How's it hanging, Death?

You will come with me.

We can't. We gotta get back to the babes.

Ted, we can't. We're dead, dude.

We gotta stop those evil usses.
We gotta try.

Excuse us, dude,
but is there any way back?

You may challenge me to a contest.

But if you lose...

you will remain here in the afterlife...

forever.

[GULPING]

What if we win?

No one has ever won.

- Dude, we gotta ditch this guy.
- Definitely.

But how?

Melvin.

[GUITAR NOODLING]

Excuse us, dude...

but your shoes are untied.

Oh.

- [FABRIC RIPPING]
- [DEATH SCREAMS]

I can't believe we just Melvined Death.

Yeah!

Let's just hope he doesn't
catch up with us.

Whoa.

# [NEVERLAND'S "FOR THE
LOVE [OF MUSIC]" PLAYING] #

No way!

This isn't funny.

Way to go, Joanna!

I don't understand
what's come over you two.

You see, we used to be puss-weeds,
but now we're metal.

So get over here and put out!

Let's go. You can forget
about us playing tonight.

Fine.

Then I guess that's that.

[MOCKING]

Yeah, see 'ya.

[GUITAR NOISE]

Catch you later, babes!

[SQUISHING SOUNDS]

Ted, I have an idea.

Tonight at the concert after we make
De Nomolos' speech...

let's waste them.

Station. In the meantime, let's trash
this lame little rathole.

Stellar, Evil Ted!

- Ted, we have got to stop them.
- Yeah. But how?

I hope this works.

It worked in The Exorcist. I and Ill!

Alright, Hirschfeld,

you'll move downtown so DeLoach
can take her maternity leave.

Also, we need to make a few shifts.
Anyone interested in moonlighting...

we'll be stepping up security at the
amphitheater tonight for the Battle of the Bands.

I hear your son's band is playing?

[LAUGHTER]

Thank you for reminding me, sergeant.
Also, Scott Frank...

- So, how do we do this?
- I don't know.

Why don't you try something?

Okay.

[STRETCHING SOUNDS]

Whoa!

Okay, dudes.

I mean, fellow policemen...

my son, Ted "Theodore" Logan...

and his friend Bill S. Preston, Esquire...

have been m*rder*d and replaced
by evil robots from the future.

You totally did it, dude!

I totally possessed my dad.

[GUITAR NOODLING]

Okay.

You got to go over and arrest these robots

so they don't ruin
everything for me and Bill.

I mean, my son and Bill.

And, most importantly,
they don't hurt the babes.

The princesses.

This isn't working.

- Back me up, dude.
- You got it, dude.

[STRETCHING SOUNDS]

I totally believe you, dude.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Whoa! Doughnuts!
- Whoa! Excellent!

Savory cruller.

- I got really hungry being dead.
- Yeah!

Bill?

I don't think they believe us.

We'll have to find somebody who will.

Catch you later, cop dudes!

Ted, we can't go like this.

Oh. Yeah!

[STRETCHING SOUNDS]

Thanks, Dad.

- Good morning.
- Sergeant.

Gandhi.

Anne Boleyn.

Aristotle.

- President Chester A. Arthur.
- Yes!

Clark Gable.

Charlemagne.

And I would like to contact Ty Cobb.

- Has this séance stuff ever worked?
- No.

But it will today, dude.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

O great spirits from the netherworld...

leave your celestial
abode and speak upon us...

with your life lessons.

- [WHOOSHING]
- Whoa!

I feel the spirits have arrived!

How's it going...

New Age dudes?

Spirits, can you hear me?

Yeah!

And we can totally see down your...

Ted, it's your mom, dude!

Whoa, you're right! Move over, dude.

Spirits, what have you to say to us?

OK...

the princesses are in trouble.

Yeah. Ted and his most
excellent friend Bill...

were k*lled!

- Listen to us.
- You must go.

Beware of evil Bill!

Warn the princesses!

O evil spirits from Hell...

I send you back into the darkness
from whence you came!

- What's she doing?
- I don't know, but I don't think it's good.

Uh-oh.

No way!

- [LIGHTNING CRACKLES]
- [CHANTING]

[BILL AND TED SCREAMING]

[BILL AND TED SCREAMING]

- Dude, this is a totally deep hole.
- Yeah!

- Now what?
- I don't know.

[BILL AND TED SCREAMING]

Hey.

- You wanna play 20 Questions?
- Okay. I got one.

Are you a mineral?

Yeah.

Are you a tank?

Whoa, yeah!

Good one!

[THUDS]

Whoa!

- Not bad!
- Yeah. Can we do it again?

I'm working as hard as I can!

No way!

This is not what I expected
this place to look like at all.

Yeah. We got totally lied to
by our album covers, man.

[ROCKS CRUNCHING]

Whoa.

Who's that?

Ted, who do you think it is, dude?

Oh yeah!

How are we gonna get his attention?

Sign of the devil, dude!

- Hey, Devil dude! Yo!
- Down here!

Down here, dude!

Two little guys!

Big dude! Down here!

Right down here, bro!

- [METALLIC GRINDING]
- [CHAINS CLINKING]

Dude, I kind of like this.

Whoa!

Excellent!

- Let's get out of here, dude.
- OK.

Ted, if I die, you can have
my Megadeth collection.

But, dude, we're already dead!

Oh.

- Well, then they're yours, dude.
- Whoa! Thanks, dude.

[GRUNTING]

How's it going, Beelzebub?

So, uh...

Okay. Can we go now?

You may go.

[LAUGHING]

Whoa!

- Thanks, dude!
- Yeah!

You know, you got a bad rap,
but you're actually an okay dude!

- [METALLIC GRINDING]
- [BILL AND TED SCREAMING]

Whoa.

- Where are we?
- I don't know.

Maybe we should try one of these tunnels.

- Dude, where are we?
- I don't know.

Maybe we should try one of these doors.

[METALLIC GRINDING]

After you, dude.

Now where are we?

[FOOTSTEPS]

Who's that?

It's Colonel Oats!

No way!

Gentlemen!

Welcome to Hell.

- No way.
- What?!

No way, sir?

You two...

will do whatever I tell you to do...

from now on.

Is that clear?

- Yes, sir, dude!
- What?!

- Yes, dude, sir!
- What?!

Yes, sir, sir dude!

Get down and give me...

infinity.

Stupid, pathetic, craven little cretins.

Dude.

- There's no way I can possibly do infinity pushups!
- Pitiful little morons.

- Maybe if he lets us do 'em girlie-style.
- Jokers!

You petty, base, bully,
bullock, bugger billies.

You're not strong! You're silky boys!

Silk comes from the butts
of Chinese worms.

Dude, we gotta get out of here.

I'll eat you up like the warm,
toasty little butter cakes you are.

Get back here!

- Dude.
- What?

I think we're in our own personal hell.

- Let's split up.
- Yeah. That way he can't get us so bad.

[METALLIC GRINDING]

What happened?

- # [OLD-TIME MUSIC PLAYING] #
- Whoa!

Bogus!

# Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you! #

# Happy birthday, dear Granny! #

# Happy birthday to you! #

Granny S. Preston, Esquire.

No way.

Theodore!

You made your little brother cry.

How about...

a kiss...

for your dear old granny, Bill?

Come along.

[PUCKERING]

You stole Deacon's Easter basket.

No way. This was 10 years ago!

Uh-huh!

[PUCKERING]

Come here!

- [METALLIC GRINDING]
- Whoa!

That was non, non, non... Non-heinous!

Choose...

your...

eternity.

[EVIL LAUGH]

Choose your own, you f*g!

[TED SCREAMING]

You ugly, red source of all evil!

[BILL SCREAMS]

Hello, girls.

[SCREAMING]

[BILL AND TED SCREAMING]

- Dude.
- What?

- Hell sucks!
- Definitely!

- You total no-nosed salamanders!
- Deac's Easter basket! Nya-na-na-na-na

[WICKED LAUGHING]

Come to Oatsie!

I wanted one right on the lips!

- Ted, there's only one way outta here, man!
- Right, dude. We gotta play the Reaper!

Choose your game.

But if you lose...

you will stay here in Hell...

forever.

D-1.

Miss.

B...



Miss.

C-6.

Hit.

- Dude...
- I know.

J-7.

J-7...

Hit.

Yeah!

A hit. You have sunk my battleship.

Excellent!

- I totally knew he put it in the J's.
- Good thinking, Ted.

You must play me again.

- What?!
- Um, best two out of three.

No way!

Yes way.

# [OMINOUS MUSIC] #

- What's he doing?
- I don't know.

I believe...

Col. Mustard did it
in the study with the candlestick.

Sorry, Death. You lose.
It was Professor Plum.

- I said "Plum."
- No way. You said "Mustard!"

Can we go back now?

Best three out of five.

I don't believe this guy.

- Best of seven?
- Damn right!

[GRUNTING]

Right hand, green.

Left hand, red.

[GRUNTING]

Right foot, green.

Right foot...

[SNIFFS] Oh! Oh, dude!

[FALLS]

Yeah!

Yeah!

Well?

I will...

take you back.

[GUITAR NOODLING]

- You played very well, Death.
- Especially with your totally heavy death robes.

Don't patronize me.

Whoa, whatever, dude. But you got a
lot to learn about sportsmanship.

This way.

Now we can go back and save the babes.

Yeah, but Bill, when we get back, how
will we fight those other usses?

I mean, they're totally stronger
than us. And way smarter than us.

Yeah, plus, they already k*lled us once.

- Yeah.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

One minute, duder!

Okay, if we were good human usses and we had
to fight two evil robot usses...

what would we do?
- Make good robot usses?

Ted, good thinking, dude!

Excuse us.

- Excuse me, Death?
- Oh, now what?

Well, could you take us to someone
who could help us?

You have beaten me. I am at your command.

Cool!

This way.

- Ted.
- What?

Don't fear the Reaper.

[GUITAR NOODLING]

I heard that.

# [ANGELIC MUSIC PLAYING] #

Whoa.

This is most atypical.

Welcome to Heaven.

I'm sure I'll enjoy it.

Thank you.

Through there.

Welcome to Heaven.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

"Only the most serene and enlightened
souls shall gain audience."

Dude, we're in big trouble.

I think I have an idea, dude.

- Hello, welcome to Heaven.
- Psst. Hey.

Wise dudes.

- Can we ask you a question?
- OK.

Right this way, please.

- [PUNCHING, GROANS]
- [THUDS]

Dude, we're in Heaven,
and we just mugged three people.

I know. We better get outta here
before we ruin it for everybody.

Come on, Death.

You look great, dude.

You think so?

- [SNICKERS]
- Yeah.

You do.

[BILL AND TED LAUGHING]

Shut up.

- Come on, dude.
- It's not funny.

I can't believe I'm doing this stupid...

How did I end up
in this ridiculous situation?

[COUGHING]

How's it going?

What is the meaning of life?

[WHISPERING]
Dude, I have no idea what it is.

Every rose has its thorn

Just like every night has its dawn

Just like every cowboy

Sings a sad, sad song

Every rose has a thorn

Don't I know you?

No.

# [ANGELIC FANFARE] #

OK. So, God, as if you didn't know...

we're not the three wise people
that you might have thought we were.

No. We mugged three people and took
their clothes. Sorry.

- I'm Bill S. Preston.
- I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan.

Together, we are Wyld Stallyns!

[LAUGHING] Yeah.

This lovely lady is the Grim Reaper.

He brought us here when we
challenged him and won.

Now? OK.

First of all, congratulations on Earth!
It's a most excellent planet.

- And Bill and I enjoy it on a daily basis.
- Not to mention your other great planets.

Mars, Jupiter, Uranus.

- [LAUGHTER]
- [GUITAR NOODLING]

But the point is, okay, we died.

Most unfairly.

But we won the chance to come back.

We need to construct something
to help save the women we love.

Yeah, and we don't got a lot of time.
So we were wondering...

could you maybe help us find somebody
who can maybe help us build something?

Station.

Well, we were thinking along the lines...

of maybe a scientist or something.

Cool.

Thanks, God.

Yeah. You are a just and noble creator.

OK, well...

- We'll be going now.
- Yeah, keep up the good work.

Catch you later, God.

Sorry. They Melvined me.

[CRASHING]

All right, upside-down cake!

- Hey, Evil Ted.
- What?

[CRASHING]

We're out of dishes.

Check this out.

Not bad, E.T.

Let me try.

[EVIL BILL SCREAMING]

You totally didn't see the fan.

Tell my body to get over here and get me!

That's all right. I'll get you.

Got your head, dude.

I'm totally gonna tackle you, dude.

- Touchdown for Evil Ted!
- We're total headbangers.

Come on. There you go.

Stop wasting time.
Proceed with the plan now.

Okay, dude.

What do you say
we trash their relationships?

I hate them.

I hate the robot versions of them.

You made us, dude.

Well, looks like this is the place, dude.

Now all we gotta do
is find that scientist.

- What kind of name is Station, anyway?
- I don't know.

Must be some kind of future guy.

Okay, how many syllables?

Is it a play or a song or...?

It's something big.

My money's on Einstein.

That's Station?

Did you assume that
the most brilliant scientist...

in the entire universe
would be from Earth?

Yeah.

Movies?

- Nine words.
- Good, Mr. Franklin.

Fire? Cigarettes?

- Clouds, clouds.
- Smoke?

Butch and Sundance: The Early Years.

- Death!
- Sorry.

Smokey and the Bandit III.

Smokey is the bandit!

Excuse us. Martians?

First, my friend Bill and I
would like to congratulate you...

on a most well-played round of charades.

Secondly, you've been
referred to Ted and me...

as the most brilliant scientists
in the whole universe.

So, how would you like to come to Earth
with us and help us build good robot usses...

to save two beautiful princesses
from bad robot usses?

[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Sounds good, Station.

- [SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]
- Let's go.

Let's rock, Death.

- [CHIME]
- Whoa!

Ted?

- We're alive.
- Yeah.

But I think a buzzard
was pecking at my head.

Dinner's over, worm-dude.

You guys okay?

Where's Death?

[DEATH SCREAMING]

- [THUD]
- [LAUGHING]

You okay, dude?

I'm fine.

OK. First on the agenda, we go back
to town and we clean up.

Second, call the princesses and warn 'em.

Third, we purchase stuff
to build good robot usses.

OK. Let's go!

[LAUGHING]

What? What?

# [LOVE ON ICE'S "SHOWDOWN" PLAYING] #

[DEATH SCREAMING]

Here, kitty, kitty! Here, kitty, kitty!

There's one, dude!

Just missed, dude.

Dude, we're there.

Okay. I got an idea.

[GLASS CRASHING]

[GIRLS SCREAMING]

[GUITAR NOODLING]

Whoa. How's it going, lady humans?

# [RICHIE KOTZEN'S "DREAM OF
A NEW DAY" PLAYING] #

Okay, Stations, this is
the Builders Emporium...

a repository for earthly electronics
and robot-building materials.

Get what you need to make
metal usses, understand? OK.

- Ready for the big night, babes?
- No! We're not going.

I think you guys should stop right there.

Catch you later, future wife.

Whoa! Evil breath!

Who are you two?

Well, you see...

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]

Come on.

- Any luck?
- No. They're not at our place or at theirs.

I'm gonna try your dad's place.
Maybe they went to talk to Missy.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello. Logan residence.

Evil Bill S. Preston, Esquire, speaking.

- It's them! They're back from the dead.
- Oh.

I guess we get to k*ll them again.

Excellent!

See you real soon.

Oh yeah?

- Yeah, but this time we're ready for you!
- Yeah!

I think we can be ready for them, too.

Good luck getting to the concert, losers!

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]

- Initiate the final plan, now!
- You got it, great one.

Do not fail me.

Metallic buffoons.

- That other me is a d*ck.
- Yeah.

I hope the Stations
know what they're doing.

Huh?

Station! What are you doing?

Dudes! This is no time
to be playing games!

- [YELLING]
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Station.

- Station!
- Station!

[GUITAR NOODLING]

# [WINGER'S "BATTLE STATIONS" PLAYING] #

Whoa!

That one's me, right?

Station.

Not bad.

How's it going, Good Robot Bill?

How's it doing?

Kate Axelrod for KJM Channel 12...

reporting live from
the San Dimas Civic Auditorium.

We're rocking at the


So stay tuned and hold tight
until we find out...

who will be your winner.

# [PRIMUS' "TOMMY THE CAT" PLAYING] #

You guys ready? You're up.

Where are the girls?

- Oh, they're hanging from the rafters.
- Yeah, we're gonna k*ll them at the finale.

Good luck, gentlemen.

Bill, check it out.

Whoa!

Not bad.

[GUITAR NOISE]

# [PRIMUS' "TOMMY THE CAT" PLAYING] #

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Let's hear it for Primus! Yeah!

- Station, are they ready?
- Station.

Excellent work, dude.

- What about me? I made the wigs.
- Okay, Death.

I helped do the shopping.
I was pushing the cart.

- Do these work like we asked?
- Station.

Whoa!

You are a most
excellent scientist, Station.

Plus, you got an excellently huge
Martian butt.

Station!

[GUITAR NOODLING]

Please feel free to split
in two parts again and relax.

Don't overlook my butt.
I work out all the time.

And reaping burns a lot of calories.

OK, you two dudes ready to take on those
evil usses and save the babes?

Fight evil usses. Save the babes.

- Ready, Bill?
- Ready, Ted.

Let's go get 'em.

And now, the last band of the evening.

Wyld Stallyns!

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

How's it going, worms?

I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire!

And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!

Together, we are Wyld Stallyns!

Hold it right there!

We're Wyld Stallyns!

No, dudes. We're Wyld Stallyns!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

You totally k*lled us,
you evil metal dickweeds!

Yeah, and we're fully gonna do it again!

Plus, we're gonna totally
k*ll your girlfriends, too.

[ROPES SNAPPING]

Don't worry, babes! We'll save you.

Everybody, say hello
to Station's creation!

Good Robot Bill and Ted!

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Dude, we may have met our match.

Kudos to you, good human usses.

- Catch you later, Bill and Ted!
- Catch you later, Bill and Ted!

[DEATH LAUGHING]

[expl*si*n]

[CROWD CHEERING]

- [METALLIC CLUNKS]
- Whoa!

[DEATH LAUGHING]

- Elizabeth!
- Theodore!

- Joanna!
- William!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Who is that?

Who are you?

Who am I?

I am De Nomolos.

I am their master.

And I must see to it that you die.

What?

But first...

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

We are now transmitting on every
television channel throughout the world.

My word!

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

I want the whole universe
to behold this...

transfer of power.

No longer will our future society...

be based on the ideas and the music...

of these two fools!

They will be based on my ideas...

and my ideas alone!

Dude, how do we get out of this?
We don't got any time.

Yeah we do, dude. Look, after we get away
from this guy, we use the booth...

we time-travel back to before the concert and
set up the things we need to get him now.

Whoa, yeah, like what?

Like, uh... like a sandbag.

[ROPE SNAPPING]

Excellent!

Then we'll get a cage.

[ROPE SNAPPING]

[METALLIC CRASH]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

My friends.

I, too, can play the time game.

If you do that,
once I have vanquished you...

I will go back and set up this key.

[CLICK]

And another g*n.

[CLICK]

Right, dude. Only there's one thing
you didn't think of.

Yeah. Only the winners are gonna be
able to go back and set things up.

Yeah. And that's gonna be us, dude.

We set up the key, and we set up the g*n.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Excuse me.

- Your shoelaces are untied.
- What?

[LAUGHING] Melvined.

[GUITAR NOODLING]

You're under arrest, pal.

Way to go, Dad!

Book him, Danno.

[GUITAR NOODLING]

Good job, Death.

Who was that guy?

Perhaps I can answer
that question, gentlemen.

Ms. Wardroe, thanks for the help.

Yeah. You know, we definitely...

Take it off, baby!

Rufus!

How long you been here, dude?

Got here just in time
for your audition, William.

So you were Ms. Wardroe all along.

Hey. Would anyone else have let you
in this contest?

ALL: No.

Now, amigos, that was Mr. Chuck
De Nomolos, my old gym teacher.

And, by the way, sit-up champion
of the 27th century.

And now, gentlemen, I believe
the stage belongs to you.

Thanks, Rufus.

Dude, we still don't know how to play.

Maybe we ought to get good, Ted.

How?

[BUTTONS PRESSING]

That was a fast 16 months
of intensive guitar training, dude.

Yeah, except for that two-week
medieval honeymoon.

Hello, San Dimas!

Hello!

Want to introduce you
to a little friend of mine.

This is little Ted.

Hello, little Ted!

This is little Bill.

Hello, little Bill!

Now for the rest of our band. Ted?

On conga and bongos, proof positive
that you can't tell a book by its cover...

the dude who can make one word
mean anything...

Station!

Our backup dancers...

Station's most bodacious creations...

the Good Robot Usses!

And over here...

our bass player, the Duke of Spooks...

the Doc of Shocks, the Man With No Tan...

please say hello to Death himself...

the Grim Reaper!

# [STEVE VAI FEAT. WILLIAM SADLER'S
"MEET THE REAPER" PLAYING] #

You might be a king
Or a little street sweeper

But sooner or later
You dance with the Reaper

Get down with your bad self!

I love show business. [LAUGHS]

Ladies and gentlemen...

we've been to the past.

We've been to the future.

We've been all around the afterlife.

And you know... Ted?

The best place to be...

is here.

And the best time to be...

is now.

And all's we can say is...

let's rock!

One! Two!

One, two, three, four!

# [STEVE VAI'S "FINAL
GUITAR SOLO" PLAYING] #

# [KISS' "GOD GAVE ROCK 'N' ROLL
TO YOU II" PLAYING] #

Right good! Right good!

[OVER RADIO] Stallyns One...

Stallyns One, you are clear to leave...

Drums...

- Ten... nine...
- Keyboards...

- ...eight...
- Affirmative.

Ignition sequence start. Engines on.

- ...five... four... three... two...
- That's a check.

- ...one.
- Good luck boys.

You are go, Stallyns One!

Come home soon. We'll miss you.