02x20 - The Mummy

[bunniefuu]

- Camptown ladies sing this song.
- Doo-dah, doo-dah.

- Camptown race track five miles long.
- Oh-de-doo-dah-day.

- Is that you, 24?
- Yes, 86.

Are you sure you
weren't followed?

Absolutely sure.

Are you ready for my report?

Go ahead.

All right, to begin with, after the
most thorough investigation on my part,

It is my considered belief

That there is absolutely nothing
suspicious about this museum.

What about the anonymous tip

That the museum
is somehow tied in

With the mysterious disappearance
of four control agents?

Negative.

- Are you sure, 86?
- I'm absolutely positive.

I'm willing to stake my
reputation on that observation.

As a matter of fact, it's
my considered opinion

That this museum is one of the
few safe places left in the world

Where control agents can meet.

Well, I guess that's it.

I'll see you back
at headquarters, 24.

Oh, incidentally, that's
a fantastic disguise.

Do something about your voice.

It's a dead giveaway.

I don't understand it, max.

If nothing suspicious is
going on at that museum,

Why hasn't agent


Since your meeting two days ago?

I don't know, chief. Maybe he
was picked up on the way back.

Picked up by whom?

Well, the way he was dressed,

It could've been by
a couple of sailors.

Max, what are you talking about?

Well, chief, the last
time that I saw agent 24,

He was wearing a dress, lipstick,
high heels and a brunette wig.

Agent 24 wasn't
working in disguise.

He wasn't?

Oh, well, in that case,
when he gets back,

He better have a long talk
with the control psychiatrist.

Agent 24 is a good agent.

I don't know why
you're knocking him.

Well, okay, chief, if you
feel that way about it,

When he gets back,
I'll take him dancing.

Here's something interesting.

It says here the
mummy of the egyptian

King tut iv is due to arrive
in the united states today.

Oh, really? When
is his daddy due?

No max, his mummy.
king tut iv is dead.

Oh, and you want me to
find out who k*lled him.

Max, he died more
than 3,000 years ago.

Oh, that's bad, chief.

It's gonna be very difficult
to round up witnesses.

Max, you're missing
the point. Now listen,

It says here that
king tut's mummy

Is going to be placed on exhibit

At the museum starting tomorrow.

Now, oddly enough, the
mummy of another pharaoh

Arrived at the
museum three days ago.

Was he dead too?

Of course!

They certainly do a
lousy job of packing.

Max, that same day
agent 24 disappeared.

And the mummy of another pharaoh

Arrived at the
museum 12 days ago.

And that was the day

That agent 47 disappeared.

Right. Now do you see
why I'm so suspicious?

No.

Max, I want you to
go back to the museum

And check everything
out thoroughly.

And you'd better wear a disguise because
they might recognize you from before.

Oh, and incidentally,
agent 13 is staked out there

Doing surveillance.

- If you need him, contact him.
- Right, chief.

Wait a minute, chief, I
just thought of something.

What is it?

If there's another
mummy arriving tomorrow,

Isn't there a good chance
that I'll disappear too?

- I doubt it.
- Why?

Because I'm not that
lucky, that's why.

What's the matter
with you lately, chief?

You go from a bad mood to a
terrible mood just like that.

Get going, max.

Right, chief.







Camptown ladies sing this
song, doo-dah, doo-dah...

Camptown racetrack
five miles long...

- Oh, it's you, 13.
- Of course it's me.

- Well, how are things going?
- Terrible!

What's the matter now?

How would you like somebody
to water you six times a day?

Listen, 13, if you hate
your job so much,

Why don't you get into
some other line of business?

Because I'm a trained
espionage agent.

And besides, it
runs in the family.

Your father is a spy?

No, my mother.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- She was very big in world w*r i.
- no kidding?

- What's her name?
- I don't know. She won't tell us.

Listen, 13, have
you seen 24 around?

No.

Well, have you noticed anything
suspicious going on here?

Oh, yeah, keep your eye on
dr. Ramsey, the museum curator.

If ever I've seen a
sinister character, it's him.

There's nothing I
can put my finger on,

It's... Oh, 86, will
you do me a favor?

What?

You won't tell the chief
that my mother's a spy, will ya?

Well, okay, but why?

I don't think she's on our side.

Mr. Smart?

I beg your pardon?

Aren't you maxwell
smart, the secret agent?

Why do you say that? I mean...

What do you know
about maxwell smart?

Well, I know that maxwell smart

Is handsome and fearless,

and that he's a
dedicated battler

against evil and injustice.

and that he's the
kind of man any girl

Would fall
instantly in love with.

- Of course, if you're not him...
- Who says I'm not?

Oh, I'm so relieved that
you're him, mr. Smart.

Tell me this...

Since my true identity is
such a closely guarded secret,

How were you able
to recognize me?

I saw your picture in one of
the secret agent fan magazines.

Oh, yes, of course.

That must have been the may
issue of "popular espionage."

No, it was that
picture of you in

"True impossible
spy stories monthly."

They did a story on me?

Actually, it was an advertisement
for a decoding device.

Oh, I forgot about that. The
little handy-dandy pocket decoder.

You looked wonderful in the ad.
I went right out and bought one.

My name is lisa smith.

I'm assistant curator
here at the museum. And...

I'm a little concerned about
things that are going on here.

What sort of things?

That's just it. So far, it's
nothing I can put my finger on.

That's strange.

I just heard about another
finger exactly like yours.

Tell me, miss smith,

Has the mummy of
king tut iv arrived yet?

No, but it's due any minute.

Well, I'll tell
you what you do...

If you notice anything
suspicious, here's my card.

Just call me.

I don't understand what
these letters and numbers mean.

Oh, well, just use your
handy-dandy pocket decoder.

Name, please.

Kaos agent br-29, dr. Ramsey.

Correct. Ticket, please.

Now, when you're
ready to return home,

Try to notify me at
least 10 days in advance,

Especially during
the holiday season.

All right, out you come.

Kaos international wants
another control agent

Kidnapped and shipped
out in my place immediately.

Mmm, I see.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Now, let me see, we
want a control agent

Approximately 5'9" tall,

Who weighs in the
neighborhood of 150 lbs.

Who is the next control
agent to be a guest

Of kaos european headquarters?

Which of our enemies
will we have the pleasure

Of kidnapping and
torturing for information?

Maxwell smart.

So you made a contact
at the museum for us.

That's very interesting.
Who is it, max?

I can't give you that information
right out here in the open, chief!

It's highly confidential.

I demand the cone of silence.

Max, the cone of silence
is not operating properly.

Can't you just whisper it to me?

Chief, five of our best agents have
disappeared on this case already.

Then write it on a piece
of paper and pass it to me.

Do you realize that an innocent
girl's life may be in danger

Because of this information?

How about writing it in
code in disappearing ink?

Absolutely not, chief.
This information is too vital.

We'll have to use
the coughing code.

Max, the coughing code
has been dispensed with.

Too many agents were
giving each other colds.

I don't care, chief. Either
we use the coughing code,

Or we wait until the
cone of silence is fixed.

All right, max,
the coughing code.

Let me have the information.

That's very interesting.

That's very strange.

Wait till you hear this, chief.

Wow.

Just one question, max.

Aw, that's a tough one, chief.

Would you mind
rephrasing that cough?

Oh, well that I don't know.

But take my advice,
chief. See a doctor.

That's a nasty cough
you've got there.

Max, do you swear that
everything you've coughed

Is the absolute truth?

Absolutely, chief.

Miss lisa smith is the assistant
curator of the museum

And she works for a dr. Ramsey.

And she told me that she thought

There were some strange
things going on at that museum

That she couldn't
put her finger on,

But the first time she
saw anything suspicious,

She would call me.

What'd you say?

God bless you.

Hello?

Oh, yes, just a moment
please. It's for you, max.

Hello, maxwell smart here.

Mr. Smart, this is lisa
smith at the museum.

Chief, it's her!

Yes, miss smith, what
can I do for you?

You asked me to call
if anything suspicious

Happened at the
museum, mr. Smart.

Well, something has,
and I'm very worried.

Could we meet
somewhere later today?

Well, yes, of course.

How about my apartment, about


Thank you, mr. Smart.

I'll be there.

What'd she say, max?

She has some
information for me, chief.

Wants to meet me at my
place tonight about 6:00.

I don't think I approve of that.

Don't worry, chief. I'll
be a perfect gentleman.

Max, what do you
know about this girl?

She might be leading
you into some kind of trap.

Well, I suppose that's possible.

Here.

Before you discuss anything,

Slip one of these
into her drink.

- What are they, chief?
- truth serum in pill form.

Once she's taken it, all
you have to do is ask her

If she's on the level. She
has to answer truthfully.

Well, all right, chief.

If it'll make you feel any better,
I'll put one of them in her drink.

But I'm telling you this,

I know my women.

And this is one girl I'd
trust with my very life.

Then after you distract
maxwell smart, miss smith,

Slip this little knockout
pill into his drink.

After he passes
out, we'll do the rest.

What is the rest, dr. Ramsey?

A little trip for mr. Smart.

A trip that'll mean
a victory for kaos

And death for maxwell smart.

- bonsoir.
- Bonsoir, monsieur smart.

And a que será será to you.

Well...

I'm so glad you could
make it, miss smith.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

I will.

Well, shall we have a little
champagne before we talk?

- Please.
- I think you'll enjoy this.

Oh, I intend to
enjoy it very much.

Would you like a
little in your glass?

Yes, please.

This is a very
special champagne.

- Notice the year.
- Oh, yes,



Yes, it's an advance bottle.

I understand that that will
be a very good year for wine.

- Cigarette?
- No, thank you.

Light?

You really have a
charming apartment.

Thank you.

Well...

Well...

Mr. Smart...

Miss smith...

I was wondering if you
would mind dimming the lights.

It's rather bright in here.

Good idea.

I was just going to
suggest that myself.

Would you care for some music?

No, thank you.

I'd rather we just talk.

Ah, yes, the lost
art of conversation.

Well, exactly what did you
want to talk about, miss smith?

In a moment.

But first, to you.

Excellent champagne.

Are you kidding? This is the
cheapest champagne I could buy.

Now, miss smith, I
want you to tell me

The complete and absolute truth.

Miss smith?

Sound asleep.

I wonder if it was
something I said.

Hello?

Hello, chief, this is max.

- Well, you've done it again.
- I've done what again?

You and your truth pill. The only
thing it did was to put her to sleep.

sleep, max? That's impossible.

Let's face it, chief, the
way you run control,

Nothing is impossible.

Max, you are talking
to your superior!

Let's be honest, chief,
you may be my boss,

But the only thing
superior about you,

Compared to me, is your salary.

Max, what's come over you?

I don't know, chief.

I apologize.

It's not your fault that you're
not the smartest man in the world.

Max, could you have somehow
taken that truth pill by mistake?

Could I have taken that
truth pill by mistake...

You know something,
chief, I think you're right.

And it's giving me a
terrible headache!

Max! Max, are you there?

Max!





Strange, according our file,

He should be exactly 5'9" tall.

You forgot the half inch
for the bump on my head.

I'm sorry, max.

If you weren't a control agent
we could've had fun together.

What are you doing?

In case the box is opened
by the customs, mr. Smart,

We want them to find a mummy,
not a captured control agent.

I hope you realize
what this means, doctor.

What's that?

You'll never get your license
renewed in this state again.

He's wrapped for
shipping, doctor.

Good. Put a "handle with care"
label on the mummy case, miss smith.

How about "this end up"?

Oh, that's the
shortwave, miss smith.

- Will you answer it?
- Of course, doctor.

Now then, mr. Smart,

Something no sophisticated
traveler should be without.

What is it, a new way
to serve martinis?

A relatively harmless serum

Which will render you
completely rigid within the hour

And keep you in that condition
long enough for us to ship you

To kaos headquarters in europe.

Ow!

Doctor, do you have a band-aid?

It's kaos international calling.

Coming.

Max?

Max, where are you?

Oh, excuse me.

- Max: chief.
- max?

Is that you? Are you all right?

I'm lying here bandaged
from head to foot

And you ask me if I'm all right.

You'd make some
lousy ambulance driver.

- I'll unwrap you.
- Hurry, chief. They gave me an injection,

And I'm supposed to turn rigid any
minute and stay that way an entire week.

Somebody's coming.

Dr. Ramsey, look.

Drop it.

Now the g*n.

- Sorry about that, max.
- Drop it!

It's all right, max. It's
agent 13. We're safe.

Drop it!

Dr. Ramsey, I presume.

Correct. And you must
be the chief of control.

- That's right.
- How unfortunate.

Now I'm afraid I shall
have to k*ll you both.

You first, mr. Smart.

You wouldn't hit
a lady, would you?

Well, i... No.

Good.

Everybody stay
right where you are.

Chief: all right, 13,
get them out of here.

All right, you two, on your way.

Max, how do you feel?

Are you kidding, chief?

I've got a terrible headache,
every bone in my body is broken

And I've got heartburn.

- Max, I had no choice.
- It's all right, chief. I understand.

There was nothing
else I could do...

- It's all right, chief. Forget it.
- They had me covered

- All the time, max...
- Drop it, chief!

I wish I hadn't said that.

Just stand him up over there.

That'll be $2.40.

$2.40? The meter
only read $1.90.

Yeah, well, we charge 50¢ extra

For trunks and dummies.

Here, keep the change.

Well, max, the case of the
disappearing control agents

Is a closed book, thanks to you.

Thanks to us, chief.

No, max, thanks
to you, remember?

I'm "not the smartest
guy in the world..."

Oh, come on, now, chief, you're still
not annoyed over that crack I made

While I was under the
influence of the truth pill?

No, max, of course not. The question
is what are we gonna do with you?

According to the control
lab, there's no antidote.

So you'll be like that
for the next week.

Well, why don't you
put me on sick leave?

'Cause you're not sick,
you're just stiff as a board.

Well, what do you
suggest, chief?

Max, why don't you take your
vacation during the next week?

My vacation?!

Are you kidding?

How much fun could I have
in this kind of a condition?

Well, I'm sorry, max.
Regulations are regulations.

Either you take your
vacation next week,

Report here for
work monday morning,

Or you'll be
docked a week's pay.

Now, wait a minute, chief.
Let me get this straight...

If I don't leave this office,
you have to pay me, right?

That's right. Now, shall I call
you a cab and take you home?

Now just let's figure this out.

The cab takes me
home now, that's $2.20,



Then $2.20 to bring me
back again here monday.

If it's all the same
with you, chief,

I think I'll just stay here.

I could act as night
security guard.

Well, what are you gonna
do if something happens?

- You can't press the alarm button.
- Well, I could fall down

With a tremendous thud.

Well, I'll them to listen
for you downstairs.

- Good night, max.
- Wait a minute, chief.

One more thing.

I hope I wasn't out of
line with that crack

About you not being the
smartest guy in the world.

It's all right, max.

Max: of course, who am I to say?