04x14 - The Married Man: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it's all

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

- Ankle looks great, Mark.

Now you can do
anything you want.

Except maybe jump
off a five story building.

- Listen, I better call
my paper and explain

that my doctor was on
schedule an hour behind.

- Use my phone.

- [Mark] Oh thanks.

- I've got another patient
to see down the hall.

Take care, Mark.

- See you, Sid.

- Hi.

Hi Doctor, sorry to
be late, especially

for my first appointment.

But actually, it worked
out fine because

your nurse said you're
running an hour behind.

What happened, see, is
I was stuck with a client

who wouldn't stop talking,
you know how men are.

Here.

- No, I'm afraid...

- I'm sorry, did you
want me to wait outside?

The nurse told me to come...

- Oh no, no, no, no.

It's just that...
- Here, here's my form.

- I'm sorry, I can't...

- Can't you read my writing?

I was in a hurry,
see, and that's why...

- No no, I can read it.

No no, it's lovely handwriting.

Romano, Ann.

Age 36.

Divorced, two children.

Very interesting.

- From time to time.

Look Doctor, I'm sorry,
but I am in a hurry...

- Oh of course, of course.
- Thank you.

- Let's see, uh huh.

Usual childhood diseases.

Good, you got
them out of the way.

Oh.

Uh huh.

Uh huh huh huh huh.

Well, what seems
to be the problem?

- The pain in my left shoulder.

- Oh, that's a shame.

How long have you had this pain?

- About a week.

- Since your last
tennis game, I'll bet.

You know, a lot of
injuries are caused

by not playing tennis.
- I don't play tennis.

- Do you like to go dancing?

- Yeah, why?

- Well maybe if you
do an energetic hustle

you could have
dislocated your shoulder.

- When I do the hustle, that's
not where I put my energy.

- Right.

You don't lift weights, do you?

- Doctor, what is
this, 20 questions?

Forgive me, but I
am kind of in a rush.

I have to get
back to the office.

- I'm just trying to arrive
at an accurate diagnosis.

- Well, perhaps it might
help if you gave me an exam.

- What a good idea.

Yes.

Did you say something?

- No.
- Oh.

You know what?

- What?

- I hear your heart beating.

- Isn't that normal?

- Oh.

Of course it's normal.

Heart beating is
definitely normal.

Certainly preferred.

So, listen, have you
ever had this pain before?

- Well yes, as a matter of
fact, I did a few years ago.

- Well, you've got it again.

It's an old joke, very old joke.

- Mark, I'm glad I caught you.

Listen old buddy,
how chance is getting

a couple more tickets for
the Pacer game tomorrow?

- You got them, Doc.

- Thanks.

Hi, I'll be right with you.

- I never said I was a doctor.

- You didn't say you weren't.

And you even looked at my card.

And you put that
stethoscope on my, oh.

- I'm sorry.

You just rushed in and...

- You ought to be
sued for malpractice.

- I can't, remember,
I'm not a doctor.

(groans)

But I was a pre-med though.

(groans)

You've got a lovely heartbeat.

(screams)

- Mom, how'd you do it?

I mean, you meet a
guy in a doctor's office,

and the next thing you know,
you got him sending you roses.

- He must like your X-rays.

- I wish he'd stop bothering me.

You know, he even called
me at the office yesterday.

- Aha, you gave him your number.

- No, I didn't give
him my number.

He saw it on my records.

That man knows me intimately.

- And he still likes you, wow.

- You know, I think
sports writers must think

they're a barrel of laughs.

- He's a sports writer?

- How'd you find that out?

- I just sort of looked him up.

- I've never met a
real live sports writer.

- If he doesn't
stop bothering me,

he's not gonna be live for long.

- Come on, Ma.

He was just having fun.

- Yeah, now what
did he do, really?

- He listened to my
heartbeat without a license.

(phone rings)

- Hello?

Just a minute.

Ma, it's him.

- Who?

- Mark Harrison, Mr. Rose Bud.

- Tell him I went to Nicaragua.

- My mother told
me to tell you that

she went to Nicaragua.

- Julie.

- He says he'll hold
on until you get back.

- Come on, Mom,
give him a chance.

- He's just gonna keep
calling until you talk to him.

- Okay, okay, I'll talk to him.

But I'm gonna be tough.

Hello Mr. Harrison, listen, I,

yes, I had a very nice trip.

Yes, I do appreciate
America more.

Look, Mr. Harrison, I
accept your apology, okay?

So could we just leave it?

Yeah, the roses
are very beautiful.

Thank you.

(laughs)

You made them yourself.

(laughs)

Oh, lunch?

No no no, I don't
think that's a very good,

well, maybe sometime.

Now?

No, I can't now.

I'm in the middle, I'm doing,

under a palm tree?

That's very funny.

There are no palm
trees in Indianapolis.

He says he's gonna dig one up.

(laughs)

Well okay, all right, do
you know where I live?

- Is the Pope Polish?

- All right then, I'll
see you later, bye.

- Good going, Ma.

- Yeah boy, that's
what I call tough.

- Well, I figured under
the circumstances.

I mean, you know, the
flowers and everything.

I felt I should extend
myself because...

- Because you like him.

- No, I don't like him.

I was just being polite.

(doorbell rings)

- Greetings and salutations.

Love buds, huh?

- They're from
Mom's secret admirer.

- Yeah, the doctor.

- No Schneider,
he's not a doctor.

- Tell me about it.

Any man who would
abuse the privilege

of the doctor patient
relationship ought to

have his license rebuked.

I mean, this guy's
got to be a weirdo.

He sees women all day long.

What's so special about you?

No no no, I mean,
you're special.

You've got a nice figure too.

- Schneider, can we
drop the subject please?

Thank you.

- Schneider, aren't
you ever gonna

introduce us to your friend?

- Oh yeah, sure.

This is for you, Ms. Romano.

Came by special
messenger, although I'll

never understand why
somebody would send

something like this
to a grown woman.

- Open the card.

- Yeah, okay.

Okay, got it.

I know that elephants
never forget,

but couldn't you?
- But couldn't you?

- Mark Harrison,
M.D.
- M.D.

Really it should be M.Q.

Medical quack.

- Well, I think the
elephant's cute.

- He's adorable.

Don't you love him, Ma?

- He's okay.

Schneider, thank you.

- Yeah, you're welcome.

But before I go,
just let me say,

because all you
women don't ever forget

the great lessons we
learn from ancient history.

Beware of Hungarians
bearing gifts.

- Schneider, you mean Greeks.

- Greeks, Hungarians,
any of those countries

where the men dance
together, you know what I mean?

- Just think, Mom.

Your first elephant.

- It's silly.

- Personally, I think it's
time you got a little silly.

- Yeah, keeps you young.

- Thanks.

Look girls, can we just cool
it with this whole thing, huh?

I mean, he and I have
nothing in common, right?

He's a sports
writer, I hate sports.

It just wouldn't work.

- Is he cute?

- Well, he's, I don't
know, sort of in a, yeah.

(doorbell rings)

- Hi.

- That was very quick.

You must have been
around the corner.

- Practically.

- On a scale of one to 10?

- 11.

- Come on in.

Mark Harrison, I'd like you
to meet my two daughters,

Julie and Barbara.

- Oh, you girls
look far too mature

to have such a young mom.

- That's k*lling three
birds with one stone.

Pleased to meet you.

- Very pleased.

- Well.

Where are we gonna go for lunch?

- Well, I thought
we could eat here.

- Oh no, I'm sorry,
did I miss something?

I don't have anything

in the refrigerator.
- No no no no.

Relax, relax, relax, relax.

In here.

(upbeat jingle)

- Oh, I don't, this isn't right.

I mean, I don't think,
this isn't very funny.

Well, that's funny.

- You forgive me?

- She does.

- And she apologizes
for her rude behavior.

- Well good.

Let's eat.

Say, why don't you two join us?

Chinese dinners for
two are almost always

enough for four.

- We'd love to, thank you.
- Sure.

- Good, let's eat.

- Here's fine I guess.

- Cool.
- Yeah, you bet, great.

- Well, this was a
surprise, I'll tell you that.

I tell you.
- Oh, what is this?

- Oh wait, you wrap it in.

- Chicken.

- Boy, now this, this is class.

- Not that we're
impressed or anything here.

- Oh right, we do
this all the time.

- Not me, usually
it's hot dogs and beer

in the press box.

- Hey, that sounds like fun.

- You think so?

- Yeah.

- Well listen, I'm covering
the Pacer game Friday night.

I don't suppose you'd like to...

- Oh, I'd love to.

Football's my favorite.

- Basketball.

- That too.

- You know, I usually feel
guilty about leaving Mom alone.

But with Mark here,
I don't even think

she'll notice we're gone.

- Mom who?

- You know, the woman
that used to live here?

- Oh, that Mom.

Haven't seen much of her lately.

- Do you think, you know,
this could be the guy?

- Come on, Barbara,
they've only been

seeing each other
a couple of days.

- Five days to be exact.

Five days, four
lunches, two dinners,

two basketball games, one
hockey game, and 12 hot dogs.

- Well, maybe Mark is the guy.

- I just want Mom to be happy.

I don't know, settle down.

Get married, have a good life.

- You sound like
a Jewish daughter.

- Hi.

- You know, she looks familiar
but I can't place the face.

- That's the mom I
was talking about.

- Oh, of course.

- Are you girls
making fun of me?

- Uh uh, we're glad
you're having a good time.

- I really am.

- How good?

(chuckles)

- Mom you know Barbara,
she's just nosy by nature.

So what is it with you
and Mark anyway?

- We just want to know
which way the wind is blowing.

- Yeah, we don't want
the whole weather report.

- Just the long range forecast.

- Okay.

Mark is, could be,
somebody important.

He's different.

He's got substance.

He's funny and he's smart

and he's got one
other quality that I find

particularly endearing.

- What's that?

- He likes me.

- Well, the man's
got great taste.

- Thank you.

- I have one question, Mom.

- Yeah?

- Is it safe to leave
you alone with this guy?

- Of course not.

- Now that is a relief.

- So you really like him.

- I think he's fabulous.

- Yeah, that's what
they all tell me.

Well, I got your skis
down there in the lobby.

- You know Schneider, whenever
we need a man, there you are.

(chuckles)

- Well I guess that's why
I was put on this Earth,

to help the weak and the meek.

You know, looking at your
skis kind of reminds me.

When I was a young
guy, I came that close

to becoming a
professional ski jumper.

- What stopped you?

- Fear of death.

You know, those were
the days, huh Ms. Romano?

Belly whopping, snowball
fights, building snowmen.

(laughs)

- We're ready, Schneider.

- Bye girls, see
you tomorrow night.

- Bye, Mom.

- Bye, Mama.

- So you gonna leave
your mom alone tonight

with Sabu the Elephant Boy, huh?

- They're ready, Schneider.

- Yeah, well I got
some news for you.

He ain't no M.D.

I let my fingers do the
walking and there was

no Mark Harrison, M.D. listed.

- I know, Schneider.

I told you that.

Mark is not a doctor.

He's a sports writer.

- Is that what he told you?

(laughs)

And you believed him?

(laughs)

- Schneider, it
happens to be true.

- Oh, Ms. Romano, such naivete.

You've got to take
it from an expert.

When a guy is on the
make, he'll lie about anything

from his income to his output.

- Really?

- Of course.

I mean, even myself, I mean,

in pursuit of l'amore, I have,

I've passed myself
off as a polo player,

international
jewel thief, jet pilot,

and my favorite, and the
one that always works,

governor of Utah.

(doorbell rings)

- That's Mark.

- Well, that proves
he's not a doctor.

If he makes house
calls, he ain't no doctor.

- [Ann] Hi.

- Hi, Ann.

- Who's the Brown b*mber?

- Joe Louis.

- Galloping Ghost.

- Red Grange.

- Yankee Clipper.

- Joe Dimaggio.

- The Slippery Wombat.

- Who?

(laughs)

- He don't know the
Slippery Wombat.

So, little Freddie Mehlman.

- Mehlman?

- Yeah, second base
from Bad News Bears.

- Well, you know, I
never saw the movie.

- And you call
yourself a sports writer.

Kid hit over 300 in two
consecutive movies.

Get out of the way.

(laughs)

- What was that?

- That was Schneider.

- Oh, the snoopy super.

- Yeah, well he
comes with the territory.

If you hang around
here, you get used to him.

- Well then I guess I'll
have to get used to him.

- Well, we're, bye.

- See you.

Have a good time.

- Oh, we will.

- We know.

- Great kids.

(laughs)

- Yeah, I guess I'll keep them.

- Well listen, I
have a lot of time

before we have to
get to the restaurant.

What do you feel like doing?

- I don't know, Marty,
what do you feel like doing?

- We could fly to Rome.

- Come on, can't you
think of something unusual?

- Okay, let's sit down and talk.

- Okay.

(cracks knuckles)

Would you like some wine?

- Only if you let me pour.

It'll give me something
to do with my hands.

- I'm glad to see
men get nervous too.

- We're only human.

- I've heard that somewhere.

I'll get the wine.

For you, sir.

Imported.

- Hey, you could've
had me for domestic.

- Easy, huh?

- Seems that way.

- Thank you.

- To you.

- To you.

(stammers)

I'm starved.

- [Mark] So am I.

- Listen, shouldn't we be,

shouldn't we be
going out to dinner?

- I suppose so.

- That's a great
outburst of disinterest.

- Well you know, a
restaurant like the River House

is such a hassle.

The parking attendants
sneer at American cars.

Maitre D makes
you wait at the bar

no matter what
time you get there.

- [Ann] Oh, terrible.

- The waiters are so
arrogant they want to be

tipped in Swiss francs.

- Why did you
suggest we go there?

- Love their chili dogs.

(laughs)

You want to go out?

- Not necessarily.

- Should I call and
cancel the reservation?

- Why bother after the
way they treated us?

- Oh, Ann.

If I don't leave here right now,

I'll be here until morning.

- I like the way you type.

- I like the way
you pour coffee.

- We're both very talented.

- A perfect match.

- Perfect.

(moans)

- Oh now look what
you made me do.

In the fourth quarter,
Johnson drew his sixth foul

for breathing in Bailey's ear.

(laughs)

- Oh, Mark.

Did you ever notice
how being in love

makes you feel smug?

- Are we in love?

- I can only speak for myself.

- The feeling is very mutual.

Oh, Ann.

Last night was really special.

- Oh, yes it was.

Especially watching
the Pacer game.

- I'm sorry, but
I had to cover it,

either here or go to Chicago.

- For me, it was the most
exciting game of the year.

- Aww.

Hey, where you going?

- Kitchen, I'll be right back.

I'm back.

- Oh god, I've missed you.

(laughs)

- I hate long separations.

- Never again.

(moaning)

Oh I'm late, I got to go.

- No, stay.

- No no no, I got to get this
column down to the paper.

If not, I'll be
writing obituaries,

starting with my own.

- Then you'd better go.

- Let's keep in touch.

- Constantly.
- Forever.

- Goodbye.

(moans)

(groans)

- I trust I am not
interrupting anything

of a personal nature.

- Why, would it matter?

- Sorry to run, but I
got to file this story.

Bye, Ann.

- Bye.

- Say Hey Kid.

- [Mark] Truman Capote.

- So.

He was here doing a
story for the paper, huh?

- Not that it's any
of your business,

but it happens to be true.

- Yeah well, what
was his story about?

- Last night's action.

(groans)

It was fantastic, Schneider.

Perfect match up, it
even went into overtime.

I'm talking about
the Pacer game.

- I know what you're
talking about, Ms. Romano.

You don't have to
explain nothing to me.

- Good.

- I mean, it's your affair.

- So to speak.

- Ain't none of my business.

- Right.

- Look.

Yesterday afternoon,
I was in that bar

which is right across
the street, you know,

from The Chronicle.

- Where Mark works.

- Right, all the
reporters hang out there.

- Like in Lou Grant.

- Right yeah, Lou Grant.

Anyway, I met this
guy and he knows

your friend, the sports writer.

And I found out that
that's not all he is.

- Oh come on, Schneider,
I know what Mark is.

- No you don't, he's married.

- [Narrator] To be
continued next week.

(clapping)

(upbeat jingle)