05x29 - Mr. Nice Guy

[bunniefuu]

[ ambulance sirens ]

- Latest victim came in five minutes ago.

Nineteen-year-old female, works at Nacho Ball.

- The close one or the nice one? - The close one.

[ winces ]

- Let's take a look.

- I should warn you. She's trashy.

[ Mandy cries ]

- Wow, she's a real mess.

- I can hear you!

- And I hear you too. Tell me what happened.

[ cries ]

- I'd just finished my shift at Nacho Ball.

Yes, the close one. - Someone better be dead!

- Victim's over here, Cap.

- Oh, uh, the victim? The victim's right here.

He's six feet tall, sweats diesel, poops bravery,

and is missing the new Battle Pigs movie right now.

- Ohhh I saw that last night! The ending is so--

- LA-LA-LA-LA-LA DON'T TELL ME!

AH-GAH-GAH-GAH-GAH.

- He's been looking forward to this movie for a while.

- Yes! Yes I have. Yes I have.

And every time I try to go see it,

some stupid criminal commits some stupid crime

and then I have to leave the theater and

honestly what do the cops in this town actually do?

- Yeah anyway, this is Mandy.

- Wow. She's a real mess.

- Yeah. - I mean, yikes, right?

What happened to her?

How's it going?

- I had just finished my shift at the close Nacho Ball--

- Gross.

- and as I was leaving, I was minding my own business,

littering, when this man--

- Ooh! Or a woman! Or a woman.

- No, it was a guy. - Okay.

- he came out of nowhere, and he was wearing this mask

that looked like a smiley face emoji,

and he said that his name is Mr. Nice Guy,

and that littering is bad...

- Well, he's not wrong. - I mean, it's not great...

- and then he super glued my litter

all over meeeeeeee...

[ blows nose ]

- There's a trash can like right there.

- Okay. Can you deal with this, please?

So I can go see my movie? - Yeah yeah yeah.

- I mean, can you handle it? Do I need to be here?

- No no no problem, big dog. - Thanks.

- Captain Man, wait! There's another victim coming in.

- Ooooh, bad luck bad luck bad luck, big dog.

- Somebody get me out of here!

Please! Somebody get me out of this thing! Please!

- Mitch Bilsky? - Don't care.

- I SAID SOMEBODY GET ME OUTTA HERE!

- Can you tell us what happened to you?

- Well, I had just finished loading my groceries

into my no-emissions, electric vehicle you know,

because I care about the planet...

Do your part. Do your part.

- I'm doing it. - I'm with ya.

- We got one planet, ya know? It's all we got.

Anyway, I was minding my own business,

leaving my shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot,

when all of a sudden this guy... - Or girl. Or girl.

- No, it was a guy. - Okay.

- He called himself "Mr. Nice Guy."

And he said I should always put things back where I got 'em.

- Again, he's not wrong.

- Yeah you should always return your shopping cart.

- So rude.

- Yeah, "Rude!" That's what Mr. Nice Guy said!

Then he said he was gonna teach me a lesson,

and so he put me in my shopping cart

and then he welded another one on top of meeeeee!

- We should go back to the Man Cave and dig into this.

- Yeah... The next showing of Battle Pigs

doesn't start for another two hours.

- Oh dude, you haven't seen Battle Pigs yet?!

- No, I haven't seen Battle Pigs yet.

Because every time I try to-- - Dude, the ending, when Hogwash--

- No! Don't tell me!

- Ahh! Uh.

- That's a little extreme.

- He's fine.

[ music ]

- Cross referencing security cam footage of the grocery store

and the alley behind the close Nacho Ball...

- Good, good -- Schwoz, did the police send you

a sketch of Mr. Nice Guy yet?

- They're trying to, but they're using

an outdated form of technology that sends information

over regular phone lines.

- But that's even slower than email! - Facts.

- Ah! You're reading that book of slang words I gave you.

- No, they're sending the sketch via fax.

A fax machine. - Oh.

- But yo, that book is lit, fam.

- That book slaps.

Did you get to the part where they're talking about--

- I got him! - You got him?

- You figured out who Mr. Nice Guy is?

- No. Uh. There was one guy online

who was willing to sell his ticket to the P.M. showing

of the new Battle Pigs movie. And I got him!

- Ray, c'mon... - Dude... - See you at the movies!

- What? No, no, no, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa...

- What what whaaaat?! - You can't go to the movies,

we're in the middle of a crime spree.

- No no, no no, it takes three crimes to make a spree.

We only have two so far. So that's just a crime spurt.

And a little spurt don't hurt.

See ya at the movies.

[ yelps ]

- Get out of my way, I'm going to the movies!

Ahhhh! What is it?

k*ll it!!! k*ll it!!!!

- Stop, Ray!

- What's in your mouth? - Is that your phone?

[ mumbling ]

- The police sketch is coming in!

[ Henry's phone beeps ]

- I was minding my own business,

talking really loudly on my cell phone,

when this guy grabbed it and shoved it in my mouth.

Three! That's three crimes! Three's a spree!

- Spurt! - Spree!

- Spurt! - Spree!

- Spurt! - Spree Larson!

- Spurt Reynolds! - Spree and you know it!

- I know nothing!

- How are you texting?

[ Charlotte's phone beeps ]

With my tongue. Respect.

- Guys! I've got the police sketch

from the first two victims!

- This is Mr. Nice Guy.

Did he do this to you?

[ mumbles ]

[ in unison ] - Spree.

[ frustrated groan ]

- It all just kinda happened.

I wanted an after-school job.

But then, an indestructible superhero

hired me to be his sidekick. - Ah!

- Now we blow bubbles... and fight crime.

Feels good.

[ theme music ]

- Call it. - Up the tube!

- Aw, my boot! - Ha!

[ music ]

- Nose hoses... secured.

- Ear corks... corked.

[ whimpers ]

- Henry! Start the compressor!

- Commencing compressing!

- Once this goes past five-hundred P.S.I.,

Piper's phone will come sh**ting out of her mouth

at exactly eighty-seven miles per hour.

[ whimpers ]

- Ray? You ready to catch this phone?

- Yeah. Spit in the mitt!

- Hey! I just saw Battle Pigs--

Ahhh! Ahh!

- Hey, eighty-seven. Not bad.

- Told ya.

- Alright, what's going on?

Why did I just get hit in the face with a wet phone?

- Someone shoved Piper's phone in her mouth.

[ giggles ] - Nice.

- Hey! - Come on.

Alright, raise your hand if you've thought about

shoving Piper's phone in her mouth! Huh?

- Yeah.

- So what happened?

- Well, I was minding my own business,

talking loudly on my cell phone after watching Battle Pigs IV--

- How great was that ending? - So great.

- Yo, I cannot believe that Captain Porkchop--

- Not. Another. Word.

- You haven't seen it yet?

- No! Because I keep getting interrupted.

And you all know how much I hate getting interr--

- I still don't understand how Piper's phone

ended up in her mouth.

- Because as I was talking loudly,

some guy in a smiley face mask grabbed my phone, screamed,

"USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE!"

and then he shoved it in my mouth!

I mean... how rude is that?!

- Well, you shouldn't talk loudly on your phone in public.

- I know that. But I want to.

So I do it. What's wrong with that?

- I mean, it's just kind of bad--

- Not being considerate of others.

- C'mon, Piper... Mr. Wallabee taught you better than that.

- Mr. Wallabee. - That was one of his rules.

I love Mr. Wallabee.

- Who is mister wwaaaaayyyyyylllloooowwwww--

- Don't even try.

Mr. Wallabee is this local guy on TV

and he hosts a show for little kids.

- It's not just for kids.

- It's a children's show, Jasper.

- Alright. Love the show. Not gonna apologize.

There's literally no reason at all to stop watching kids' shows

just because you get a little bit older.

- Who are you talking to?

- It's "whom are you talking to?"

- Common usage, Jasper!

- No, no. "Whom" is the object in the sentence, not the subjec--

- COMMON USAGE!

- ALRIGHT. GRAMMAR RULES EXIST FOR A REASON!

- Grammar fiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

- Hey, hey, hey. - You bet you're going down.

- Come at me. - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

No more grammar fights! They never end good.

- So what does Mr. Wababadoodoo have to do with this?

- Mr. Wallabee-- - Waaaaaaalllooohh...

- Mr. Wallabee- - Waaaaallooooh...

- Mr. Wallabee. - Mr. Wallabee.

- --has a list of Seven Golden Rules For Good Behavior.

- Havior... - Can you stop doing that?

- Rule one: Never litter.

- Rule two: Put things back where you got them from.

- This guy sounds lame. - Uh, okay.

Mr. Wallabee is not lame! - He's kinda lame.

- Hey, I just thought of something.

- That grammar rules don't apply to you?

- Common usage!

- Okay, hey. Let it go, let it go, let it go.

Breathe. Breathe.

Okay. Now. What were you thinking?

- I was thinking Piper and Mitch Bilsky,

and that trashy girl from Nacho Ball

all violated one of Mr. Wallabee's rules before they got attacked.

Don't litter, inside voices,

put things back where you got them.

- Wait. So you think that Mr. Wallabee is Mr. Nice Guy?

- No way! Mr. Wallabee is like the sweetest guy in the world.

Tom Hanks would play him in a movie.

- Okay, then: what if Mr. Nice Guy

is some kind of Mr. Wallabee super fan?

Or someone who works on the show

who's taking the rules too seriously?

- Um. It's "whom" works on the show.

- No it's not! - You wanna bet on that?

- Grammar fiiiiiiiight!!!

[ all shouting at once ]

- Hey hey hey hey hey!

Okay, just a quick one and then we gotta go see Wallabee.

- Yeah! - Whoo!

- Everybody grab a grammar hammer.

- I got mine. - And don't nobody cheat.

- "Don't nobody?" That's a double negative.

- Oh! You're going down! - Grammar fight!

[ music ]

- Mr. Wallabee will be with you in a few minutes,

if you gentlemen could wait right over here...

- Ow! Watch my shoulder. - Oh, sorry.

- Nah, you're good.

I just got in a pretty bad grammar fight.

- Grammar fight? - Yeah.

- Those never end good.

- Uh, don't you mean "those never end well?"

- Mr. Wallabee will be with you soon.

- So we talk to Wallabee, see if he's noticed anything weird

with any of his fans-- - It's the tree!

- I'm sorry, what? - The Wallabee Tree, dude!

The one that grows from good thoughts

and produces fruits of kindness!

- Okay, I feel like maybe your focus isn't--

- Oh the tubes! The tubes!

- Aww, the tuuuuuubes!

This is where the Mail Snail delivers the snail mail

to Mr. Wallabee's mail pail! - Yes!

- Everybody loves the tubes...

- Mail Snail! - How ya doin'?

- Dude, it's the Mail Snail!

Who delivers snail mail without fail!

- Nice to meet ya. You guys here to see Mr. 'Bee?

- Is he donating blood? - Every day.

Doctors say it's not healthy, but that don't stop Mr. Bee.

- That man is a true hero--

- No pointing!

- Wow... - Buddy...

- Take it down a notch. - That was a freebie.

Next time, you losin' an arm.

- Pointing violates Mr. Wallabee's Rule Number Five:

No pointing! Can't you read the sign?

- I see no sign. - What sign?

- There's no sign. - I don't see a sign.

- There! - What's wrong with your head?

- It's there! - Stop freakin' me out, man!

- Inside voices! - Oh, there it is!

Right there. You see? - No. Pointing.

- You, uh... you take Mr. Wallabee's rules

pretty seriously, don't-cha?

- Maybe a little too seriously. - You bet I do.

And so will you if you know what's good for ya!

- Say, friend... - Here we go...

- Let me ask you a question. - Quiz time.

- You ever seen the inside of a hood?

- The inside of a hood?

[ music ]

- Okay. The first thing you need to know is

you're not getting out of this alive.

- What?! - Nope, no, no-no-no-no-no,

you can't just k*ll people, dude.

- Yeah I know, but I just thought we were playing good cop bad cop.

Yeah we're playing good cop bad cop,

not good cop psychopath cop.

- Alright, start over, start over.

- Okay, cool cool cool cool cool.

[ in unison ] - One, two, three and...

- Okay, the first thing you need to know is...

you... might... get out of this alive?

- Better. - But only if you tell the truth.

- I'll tell you anything you want to know!

- Admit you're Mr. Nice Guy. - What?!

- Don't play dumb with us! We know you're Mr. Nice Guy.

Going around town, trapping people in shopping carts...

- stuffing phones into loud talkers' mouths,

gluing trash on the Nacho Ballers. We know that was you.

- And if you don't admit it, we will k*ll you.

- What? Nah, nah. - Oh no we won't k*ll you!

- Thank you. - As long as you tell the truth.

- Why do you--why do you want to k*ll people?

[ elevator dings ]

- Uhhh, hello occupied! Do not enter!

- Someone's in here!

- What are you guys doing?

- Turn the lights off! C'mon! - We said "occupied!"

- We're in the middle of an interrogation here!

- But we need ketchup! - This guy's gonna see you!

- Who are you guys talking to?! - Get! Out!

- We're gonna eat meatloaf in the park.

- But we need ketchup. - Kinda makes sense, dude.

[ all talking at once ]

[ in unison ] - Ketchup.

AUTO-SNACKER: Ketchup.

- That took longer than I thought it would.

- Meatloaf! - I'm so sorry.

[ all talking at once ]

- We're going. - Byeee!

- Go! - We're gonna go now.

[ in unison ] - Byeeeeeeeee!

- We know you're Mr. Nice Guy! - I'm not!

- Oh, sure. - But I can tell you who is!

- Oh. Sure. - Who is it?

- It's Mr. Wallabee!

[ in unison ] - Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

- No, way. - Mr. Wallabee can't be

Mr. Nice Guy. He's such a nice gu--

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I get it. I cracked the case.

Way to go, me.

- Wait but why did you freak out when we pointed?

- I was trying to protect you! Pointing is against the rules.

If Mr. Wallabee had seen you,

you'd have been his next victims.

- I kinda believe him. - Yeah.

Come on. Let's go wipe the smile off Mr. Nice Guy's face.

- How? No one's gonna believe us that Mr. Wallabee is a criminal!

We need proof.

- What if we get him to reveal himself on live TV?

Stop doing that. - Okay.

[ elevator dings ]

- We forgot the meatloaf.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

[ all talking at once ]

- Well. Are all my Wallabee Wascals ready to hear

the Song of the Golden Rules?

[ in unison ] - Yes!

- Yes, what?

[ in unison ] - Yes, please!

- Thaaaaaat's right.

[ music ]

♪ Gather 'round, my special friends ♪

♪ as I share some helpful tools. ♪

♪ Have a ball while you're following ♪

♪ all my golden rules...

[ in unison ] - Rule one!

♪ Never litter...

[ in unison ] - Rule two!

♪ Put things back where you got them from... ♪

[ in unison ] - Rule three!

♪ When you sneeze you must cover... ♪

[ in unison ] - Rule four!

♪ Use your inside voice indoors... ♪

[ in unison ] - Rule five!

♪ No pointing...

[ in unison ] - Rule six!

♪ Before you enter, wipe your shoes... ♪

[ in unison ] Rule seven!

♪ Chew with your mouth closed,

♪ follow these and you'll never lose! ♪

♪ Mister Wallabee's Golden Rules... ♪

[ clap and cheer ]

- Thank you, Wascals, thank you.

[ doorbell rings ]

Someone's at the door.

I'll bet it's the Mail Snail

with the snail mail for the mail pail.

- Hello. - Oh hey! What's up Mr. Wallabee!

- It's Captain Man and Kid Danger!

[ Wallabee Wascals cheer ]

- Please don't point, Pascal.

It's against the rules and I just sang the song.

- Oh, I don't mind when kids point at me.

- Yeah, I just point right back at them!

POINTING PARTYYYYYY!!!!

[ Wascals shout enthusiastically ]

- Quiet for the calming bell. Being calm is always swell.

That's riiiiiiight.

Now, we can say hello to our guests who...

did NOT wipe their feet before entering.

- Oh, is that one of your rules?

- I think you know that it is.

- Sorry, big dog, I'll wipe it right now.

Wiping party!

- WIPING PARTY!

WHILE POINTING!!!!

[ rings calming bell ]

- Quiet for--I said quiet for the calming bell!

Being calm is always swell!

- Oooohhh! Sounds like someone's not using his inside voice.

- Yeah, it's that guy.

- No pointing...

- Ring ring ring! Oh, it appears I am receiving a call!

- On your cellular telephone? - Indubitably.

HELLO? YES! THIS IS HE.

WHAT'S THAT?! YOU WANT ME TO TALK LOUDER?! OKAY!!!

- Use your inside voice...

- Ah ah-choo!

- He didn't cover his mouth...

- Ah-chooooooo!

- He's not obeying the rules...

- Yo, I love these chips! These chips are dope!

- Yeah! - I love to eating them with my mouth.

- We always chew with our mouths closed...

- Do we? Oh. - I also like to eat potato chips.

- No pointing...

- You know what, I am done with these chips.

But whatever to do with the bag?

- Okay, okay, come on, guys.

- Yeah, I don't see a trash can anywhere...

- I don't see one. - It's... right... there...

- Oh. So it is.

- I think I might just... maybe just...

Just drop that...right there.

[ nervous laugh ] - THAT'S IT!

- Ooooooh, inside voice please.

- NO MORE MISTER... WALLABEE!

- It's Mr. Nice Guy!

- That's right, PASCAL!

I've been trying to teach you people

manners for years but none of you listen!

So now I'm going to make you behave!

- Not anymore, pal! - Yeah! You're goin' to jail.

And can I just say? Good plan, dude.

- Thanks. - Respect.

- Now let's take this guy down to--

- Ohhhhhh!

[ Wascals scream ]

- Come on. You want a piece of Wallabee?

- Yo, Mr. Wallabee is jacked.

- Right? You know what this means?

[ in unison ] - LASER PARTY!!

[ Wallabee Wascals cheer ]

- Yay!

Yay!

- Nice job, Kid Danger. - You too, Cap.

- Y'know, this one had a nice little ending to it.

- It sure did.

- Just like the ending of Battle Pigs...

- He hasn't seen that movie yet, so no spoilers!

- when you find out that Trotter and Pigtail

are working for the Russians!

- You are gonna get it,

[ Wascals and Captain Man yelling ]