01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Playa del toro, Сalifornia...

A sun-kissed playground
of crystal-clear waters,

sandy beaches,
and rolling surf.

A paradise on...

hurry it up, man.

Other dudes gotta use
the wall, too.

Ugh, talk about the cr*ck
of dawn.

Are you just getting home?

You smell like old spice
and balls.

I was just getting a feel
for our new town.

I met a lot
of potential uncles for ya.

Ugh.

We've been here three days,

and you haven't even been
to the beach yet.

Mom, I don't fit in here.

Even the bums are ripped.

Face it, in a world
full of kardashians,

I'm the khloe.

Honey, you're just unique.

This town has never seen
anybody like Mondo Brando.

Mom, I can't breathe.

Here, to get you started,

I made you
a California preparedness kit.

Boogie board, spray tanner,

season one of Laguna Beach...

A rubber pickle?

Oops.

That's mine.

What, mommy can't have
a kit, too?

Mondo, do not waste
your last days before school

playing a video game.

- But I'm good at this.
- Oh, look.

It's little Mondo.

I had to use
a pregnant woman's body

and put in the secret code
to unlock Justin Bieber's head.

Look, Munchkin,
I know it's hard.

But you know what?
Our lives are here now.

We're not going back
to New Jersey.

Crap.

I don't wanna be late
for my first day.

Farewell, Bayonne.

Your pepperoni made me the man
I am today.

- Whaaaa!
- Aaah!

- Mom, are you okay?
- Ugh.

- Who are you?
- I'm Woodie.

Why are you in my bathroom?

Oh, I was getting my frisbee.

So, Woodie, how old are you?
About, um, 15?

- Yeah.
- Me, too!

Mondo, get Woodie some ice.

His forehead looks
a little swollen.

Swollen.

Okay, Woodie, I know what
you were doing up there.

It's all right.
I don't mind.

But I was wondering if you
would do me a little favor.

Oh, anything for you,
Mondo's mom.

Call me babs.

I was hoping that you'd show
Mondo the ropes around here.

You know, help him fit in.

For sure... Babs.

This oughta help
with the swelling.

Thanks.
Ahhhh.

- Yankees or Dodgers?
- Surfing.

- Pizza or burgers?
- Burritos.

Mmm.

Okay, last one.
Think it through.

The hills or the city?

Neither.
I don't have a vag*na.

Right answer!

Let's do our back.

To the window, hurry!

They're about to tan
their backs,

but they don't want tan lines.

Which means they must unhook
their straps,

and for one brief,
but glorious moment,

you can see...

Nipple.

I saw it! Oh, my god!
I saw it!

You're a genius!

I call this moment
the Aurora Areolas.

Teach me more, Woodie.
Teach me more!

This is the strand,

pretty much all the usual stuff

you'd find in any town
across America.

Tattoo shop, surf shop,
weed shop,

celebrity rehab...

- Lindsay.
- Paris.

Have you ever been
to any other town in America?

No, why?

- No reason.
- Three for ten dollar!

Open for beezness!

Arrow point down to anus
is funny!

People know it's joke.
You not get tushy love.

But if you do...

The boardwalk's like
a great big melting pot.

Emphasis on the pot.

Hippie drummers,
street performers,

righteous dudes in vans.

And here it is,

the center of it all,

the natural force
that sustains life

and draws us all together,

the beach.

What's up?

In case you haven't noticed,

my stomach's more of a keg
than a six-pack.

I haven't seen my penis
since I was six.

The only thing holding you back

is a lack of surfing
in your diet.

And maybe that sweet set
of chesticles you got there.

You kidding me, man?

Girls totally relate
to a dude with boobs.

It's familiar to them.

It has a calming effect.

Who is that?

That's Jeena.

Jeeeenaaaa.

Go introduce yourself.

She's very approachable.

I'm gonna do it.

Ow!

I'm good. I'm okay.
Oof!

That ain't no situation.
That's a damn tragedy.

What happened?

I put 17 months
into this place,

and what do they give me?

A lousy ten mil in stock options
and a golden parachute.

In my experience,
anytime anyone offers you

a golden anything,

you say no.

I'm Babs Brando.

I was supposed to start work
here today.

Ouch.

You don't understand.

I spent every last penny
to get here.

I finally thought I had a job

where I didn't have to work
the pole.

Oh, look.

I got a friend at an accounting
firm in town.

Thanks.

You know, a sleazier guy
would have tried

to take advantage of me.

Oh! I could've taken
advantage of you?

Boy, did I misread that one!

No wonder this bank went under.

All right, let's wet up.

Locals only, p*ssy.

- Who are those dirtballs?
- Shh.

Keep it down, bro.

That's turk and his crew.

Trust me, you want to stay
under their radar.

There she is again.

Girls around here
dig surfers, right?

Well, I'm gonna show her
what a badass I am.

Watch this awesomeness.

Hee-yaaaa... oof!

Ugh!

Oh.

You kooks are dead.

I couldn't have possibly made
a worse impression.

Look, ma'am, it's illegal
to go topless

at the beach.

Oh, officer, I'm afraid you...

ma'am, tell your
hippie boyfriend to zip it,

or you're both going downtown.

- Hello?
- Oh, man, are you ready?

You've never been
to this school.

So every girl is like
two new boobs to you.

New boobs? Oh, my god!
I'm on my way!

Good morning, ladies.

"Who is that new stud

at school, Jeena?"

"I don't know, Brianna,

but I'm gonna get me
some of that."

Ladies, I can hear you.

I'm fat.

Like any school,

playa has your basic cliques.

'Sup, Woodie.

Hey, Woodie.

Greetings, Woodford.

Oh, no! Gleeks!

Check it out.

My first celebrity sighting.

That's Milan Stone,
the star of mtv's 16 and bitchy.

You call these double DS?

Ugh.
Agh!

Oh, my god,
this is the first time

I've ever met a celebrity
that I spanked it to.

What do I do?
What do I say?

Hey, sis.

- Sis?
- 'Sup, "Koontz" twins.

It's "Kuntz".

Woodie! You have a friend?
Incredible.

This brings the total
to, what, one?

Well, he's fat enough
to make it 1 and 1/2.

Hilarious.

Ms. Stone, I'm your biggest...

shut up, white precious.

W... White precious?

If either of you, like,
get within 15 feet of me,

I will tase your ass.

Ah, she's even nicer in person.

Ack!

Oh, there she is.

I wasn't gonna tell you,

but last night I had a dream

that involved a bottle
of lavender body butter,

the backseat
of a purple PT Cruiser,

and Jeena's downstairs area.

Very cool.

Very sexual.

I know, right?
She's perfect for me.

Check it out.

She's wearing sneakers.

I'm wearing sneakers.

She's listening to music.

I love music!

And her t-shirt
says "free Tibet".

What was I telling you
this morning?

That more stuff should be free.

It's meant to be!

Go talk to her, man.

Ahem.

Hi, I'm Mondo.

I'm new to town,
as you can probably tell.

I'm one of those offbeat,
good-looking men.

Hi.

Hi, I b*at off
good-looking men.

It looks like
we have something in common.

Whoa, kook, you just crossed
into Turkistan,

where trespassing
is a punishable offense.

I'm about to launch
a dork-seeking fist m*ssile.

Oh, Turk.

What did I tell you?

Books don't cause cancer.

Target acquired!

No, the other thing.

Oh, if I don't stop
pummeling dweebs,

I'll never get with you.

Oh, don't be so bummed.

This is the longest
a new kid's ever gone

without a wedgie
at this school.

- Agh!
- 11 minutes!

What is that?

Wipe those horny smiles
off your pimply faces.

This is human sexuality.

Before you think that this is
all fun and games

and hot Carls...

Yes, please.

Wadska, settle down,
or I'll send you to detention.

Ms. Teets,
I think you should know

that although this is
an institution

paid for by U.S. tax dollars,

I am unfit for captivity
within its walls.

I am not programmed
for public education.

Well, it seems like
you are programmed

for vandalizing the marquis

with filthy shenanigans.

Mm, freedom of expression!

My culture of poetry
is being sh*t down

by character assassins.

An uprising is in order!

Sorry, Ms. Teets.

Our parents have him
on new meds.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

That's Jeena's brother?

Woodford.
New child.

Quit your Jibber Jabbers, now!

Hmm, you're a portly one,
aren't you?

Don't worry.

You'll grow into your frame.

I did.

Now, today's lesson is
about something

that threatens us all:

Sexually transmitted diseases.

So please put on
your 3-d glasses.

Std in 3-d.

Old Foe, we meet again.

So how do I know
what kind of board I need?

Picking a board isn't like
picking a girlfriend.

You have to be choosy.

You have to let it come to you.

Like Harry Potter
choosing his wand?

Or the Na'vi choosing their
Ikran in Avatar?

Yeah, just like that.

Except cool.

Hmm, how 'bout this one?

Ow!

This is my board.

- Are you sure?
- This is my board!

Maybe it's not my board.

Here, $100.

I don't know.

My mom told me
to only use the credit card

for emergencies.

We're in California.

Not having a surfboard
is an emergency.

All right, you got your board,
and you're ready to hit...

hey, gimme that.

Much better.

It says you've been
a cocktail waitress,

a hooters waitress,
a coyote ugly waitress...

well, in my defense,

waitressing was
a hell of a lot better

than making a living
on my knees.

I don't know if this
is a good idea.

I'm holding a d*ck board.

A d*ck board, Woodie.

Trust me.

Just one wave,
and all your troubles

will disappear.

Eat it, losers!

Ha, ha!
Yo, Jeena.

What's up, baby?

- Hey, Turk.
- Okay.

It's surf time.

Time for the surfing
to commence.

Um, what are we supposed to say

when we wanna surf?

Boostamuucha!

Woo-hoo!

Heads up, newbie.

Ugh!

That is it, blue crush.

You're dead.

- Ahem.
- Huh?

Oh.

You're lucky I'm more horny
than angry.

I'm gonna let you live.

But you're banned
from surfing this beach

ever again.

Hey, Turk, come on, man.
He's local.

- You're banned, too.
- Noooo!

This is a public beach.

You can't ban people
from surfing.

Mondo, shut up.

I'll tell you what.

You survive baby beach,

and I'll let you two surf here.

Baby beach?
That sounds easy enough.

Where is it?

Used to be called
jagged death rocks.

Chamber of commerce thought
it was bad for tourism.

We should probably
change it back.

Could've saved a lot of lives.

You got 'til 4:00 tomorrow.

High tide.

My d*ck board!

- I-if I back out,
you think I might still have

a chance with Jeena?

Oh, sure.

Women always prefer
the sensible, stable coward

to the fearless,
sexy risk-taker.

Gentlemen,
forgive my tardiness.

Now, I've taken the liberty
of preparing

a computer simulation
of baby beach.

Hey, it's little Mondo.

But I just used the body
of a pregnant woman

and added Justin Bieber's head.

Okay, you drop in at the end
of the pier.

From here it's up to you
to make it out alive.

Your best bet is to go left,

surf between the first three
rows of rocks,

and your exit will have to be
through Miley's hole,

so named because it's never been
penetrated

by man nor Jonas.

- Are you hyperventilating?
- A little bit.

I think this bag had
a hamburger in it,

and I like the smell.

Are you really gonna surf it?

I don't know.

One minute I think I should.

The next minute I think
about boobs.

Then the next minute,
I think I shouldn't.

Okay, your problem is
that your head

is all over the place.

You need to relax
and get your mind right

so you can figure out
what you want to do.

How am I supposed to do that?

Lonnie's van.

I need a drink.

Seat yourself, darling.

I've got my hands full.

- Thanks.
- Oof!

Table five!
Go, go!

Hey, Lonnie.

You ever found yourself faced
with a tough,

potentially life-ending
decision?

Yeah, man.

It was the third
and final month of desert storm.

Oil fires raged.

The skies were black at noon.

Three clicks north
of Kuwait city,

I got separated
from my platoon.

What did you do?

I freaked the eff out!

I was in a mental hospital
for three years.

How the hell do you think
I ended up living in a van?

Ah-ha! I can still smell
the hummus!

Ah-ha!

You guys want some pita?

Are you still worried
about surfing baby beach?

What beach?
I'm totally chill.

I'm totally freaked!

I'm totally hungry.

Your nose looks like a penis.

This van's awesome.

Hmm, you like my trophies,
dahling?

You one special wahini,
Babs Brando.

You have been born
with a special gift

for waiting tables,

and you must share dat gift
with the world.

Thanks, Tang.

But I came out here
for a career.

One where I didn't have to work
on my back for once.

Sometimes when life gives you
rotten papaya...

you make papaya-ade?

No, you mix it with cheap rum,
add a cocktail umbrella,

and you sell it
to sunburned rubes for $9.

What the hell is papaya-ade?

Look, you're gonna have to learn
dese tings

if you're gonna work here.

I don't know.

- Ow!
- Ooh!

I'll take it.

Here's your uniform.

Here, I found a dead sea lion.

Let's dump him in the water
and see where he goes.

Why?

He'll take the path
of least resistance,

that's the one
you want to take.

Where did you get
a dead sea lion?

Okay.

We've learned something here.

Those sharks are hungry.

Oh, crap, it's high tide.
I got...

I gotta get out of here.

Wussing out?
Wuss.

No, I'd love to surf this.

But I don't have a surfboard,
thanks to somebody.

So, you know,
maybe another day.

Mondo!

Here.

You've been a real bro to me.

And I've never had
a bro before.

I've always been
kind of a loner.

But it's been fun
being loners together.

Wow, thanks, man.

Woodie, this means a lot to me.

It's nothing.

But your timing sucks.

Baby beach, baby beach.

Baby beach, baby beach.

Gimme that board.

I got us into this mess.

I'm gonna get us out.

I came to this town
to make a name for myself,

and that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

Even if I die,

at least the love of my life
will remember my name forever.

Be careful, Mongo.

Close enough.

Wait.

Good luck.

Wrong way!

Ohhh!

- Woo-hoo!
- Yeah!

Whoa.

This is how legends are born.

Mm.

This is... hm.

Miley's hole!

Huh?

Balls!

Oof!

Mm.

Wha?

Mmmm.

Mondo, Mondo.

You're alive.

Wha... what happened?

You ate it
on that monster wave.

Then you french kissed Lonnie
for, like, four minutes.

Oh, god!

Ah, but the badass news, yo,

is at least your reproductive
organs remain functional.

Mondo has a boner.

That's not what it looks like.

Well, it is.

But it's not because Lonnie

stuck his tongue
down my throat.

Dude, I can't believe
how hard you ate it.

- Turk.
- Oh.

And you're officially un-banned
from my beach.

You were incredible out there.

And I don't know what it is,

but something about you

has a calming effect on me.

Aw, dude, she's sucked in
by the chesticles.

So, Jeena,
can I ask you something?

Do you maybe, you know,
one time wanna...

um, what do you think

of lavender body butter?

Oh, I use it
to moisturize my thighs.

See you in class, Mondo.

Sucker!

She knows your name.

Step one, dude.

Come on, let's go surfing.

Boostamuucha!

Everyone was gathered
around me,

and even turk gave me respect.

Kind of.

That's great, honey.

I'm glad you're liking it here.

Wahhh!

Oof.

I was looking for my frisbee.

That one?

Um, yeah.

I'll fix another plate.

So, Ms. Brando,

Mondo says you're working
at tiki taco.

How do you like it?

It's all right.

I'm just grateful
that I don't have to be

a hooker anymore.

So is california everything
you thought it'd be?

No.

It's better.

Mondo, look!

The boob solar cycle
is nearly complete.

As they prepare
to re-hook their bikini tops...

screw this.

Let's do it Jersey style.

Huh!
It's a rat!

And the student
has become the master.