♪
What is gout?
Are you a 15th century
British monarch?
No.
You don't have it.
Hmm.
God, there's like
You're a city employee now.
Half your life is gonna be
paperwork, congrats.
Hey, is it okay if I put you
down as my emergency contact?
Well, since I'm the guy
most likely to harm you,
it seems like a conflict
of interest.
[Dispatch] Truck 12.
Resident reporting problem
with rabbits.
907 Maple Lane.
Question, have subjects
been observed as... wascaly?
[chuckles]
[Dispatch] Are you going
or not?
Yes. We'll hop right on over.
That's it, get out.
What?
We talked about this,
two lame jokes before coffee,
get out.
[Shred] Wait, really?
You were serious about that?
As a heart att*ck.
Hey. Come on.
You're taking this too far, Frank.
You can come back!
I learned my lesson!
No jokes before coffee!
[theme song]
♪
So, I've been micro-dosing
mushrooms for anxiety
but my rabbits have gotten
into my special chocolate bars.
Oh, that was faster
than I thought.
This gentleman's bunnies
ate his dr*gs.
They've been acting
really aggressive.
They look pretty chill to me.
Yeah, but in a circling
the wagon conspiratorial
sort of way.
Look at them.
Plotting something evil.
Okay. So the rabbits
are handling their high
better than their owner,
but sure, we'll take them in
for observation.
Hey hippies!
Sorry, summer of love is over.
Time to sleep it off downtown.
[Frank] What is happening?
- Hey! Ow!
- [rabbits squealing]
Jeez! My God!
Come on! Ow!
Retreat, retreat! Jeez!
I told you, they're in
a very bad headspace.
[Frank] What the hell did you
put in that chocolate?
I used to be a cop.
I busted international
crime rings.
And I'm getting...
- Hey.
- I thought you were brave.
You guys know about this
taco truck up the street?
The breakfast burritos...
four stars.
What's up with
the first-aid kit?
It's, uh, k*ller bunnies
on recreational dr*gs, bro.
Really? What kind?
You know, like, basic,
floppy-eared, fluffy.
No, no, the dr*gs.
What kinds of dr*gs?
It's like psychedelic mushrooms.
The homeowner makes
his own chocolates.
Really? Did he mention
if it was straight
or if it was cut with
purity-tested MDMA?
Did he mention that?
Look, this isn't Bonnaroo.
These rabbits are higher
than my uncle at Thanksgiving
and they're calling the sh*ts.
Everybody relax, okay?
I got a couple rabbits at home.
I speak fluent bunny.
I mean, you might wanna
film this.
Could be a valuable
teaching tool.
Hey guys.
How are you doing?
You know I have two rabbits
at home, Snowball and Batman.
Yeah, we let the kids
name them.
And they are just as cute
and adorable...
...as you, uh-huh.
That Phyllis,
she's the mama.
Oh, aren't you a little
love muffin?
[chitters]
[screams]
Oh! Get off me,
you mangy bitch!
Hey Shred, you're always trying
to be smarter.
Look up "hoisted on
one's own petard"
and it will literally be
a picture of this.
Argh!!!
Uh, should we call
for backup?
Bunny backup?
Dude, do you have any idea
of the ridicule
that will come our way?
No. We got this.
Cuddle time is over.
[heroic music playing]
♪
Hey. So, we're gonna need to
collect the medicated chocolate
for our vet so she can calibrate
an overdose treatment.
Right, of course.
Anything to help.
And, um, look,
I know I shouldn't be messing
around with dr*gs.
I'm gonna turn over
a new leaf right now.
Yeah. dr*gs are bad.
Uh, make sure you get
all of them.
You should be ashamed
of yourself.
No, I'm not.
Not even a little bit.
I suspect his bars
contain psilocybin and 2CB.
That combination is known
to give you orgasms
and make you feel like you've
been launched into outer space.
And rabbits have no business
experiencing pleasure like that.
Okay. Just remember,
you promised to watch the kids
this weekend, okay?
And they're very excited,
they picked out a movie
and everything, Freaky Friday.
It's a silly premise
but, uh, the emotion
really sneaks up on you.
- Yeah. I...
- It does.
- I will be there.
- Okay.
The chocolates are
for tonight.
Do you remember that guy
I met in Costa Rica?
Yeah. The... the yogi
or the surfer?
The yogi.
So, he's in town, but he's only
free for one night.
Mmhmm.
He's really flexible.
Just, like... not with his time.
Right.
Anyway, what are you guys up to
for your big date?
Oh, we're actually gonna go eat
Swedish meatballs at Ikea.
And test out futons.
I know it sounds pathetic
but I'm actually really excited.
Maya and I, we haven't been
alone together in, like, months.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Don't be insulted but I'm so
glad I don't have your life.
Well, you're tempting fate
'cause we could end up
accidentally eating
magic fortune cookies
and end up switching places.
Is that what happens
in the movie?
I don't wanna ruin it for you.
You just did like... like you
told me the ending.
Maybe I didn't though.
- Or maybe I did.
- Huh.
Oh, at least it's donut Wednesday.
What abomination is this?
Who's day is it?
I want answers.
I want revenge.
Okay. But is it okay
if I have some jicama?
'Cause I love jicama.
No. I want revenge.
Shout it with me.
- Revenge!
- Revenge!
Revenge!
You make it sound playful.
Put some fury behind it.
- Revenge!
- Revenge!
Revenge!
[whispers] Shh! I'm on the phone
with my daughter's teacher.
There's been a horrible accident,
I gotta call you back.
Revenge.
- Revenge!
- Revenge!
Okay, I proudly take responsibility.
Donut Wednesday, Delores.
It's a sacred tradition.
Handed down to us
by the Romans.
You defiled this holy tabernacle
with your cru d'été.
This is our tabernacle, Delores.
Okay. This office
has a serious case
of the late morning
sugar blues
and someone
had to intervene.
How dare you act unilaterally.
It's America.
It's donuts.
Shred, throw that away.
- Oh, come on.
- Throw it away.
It's just a jicama stick.
Throw it away.
Spit it out.
This is very disappointing.
How's my favorite
under-performing precinct doing?
Oh, you sad, sad man.
You drove across town just to
make fun of us for the rabbits.
What rabbits? I didn't
hear anything about rabbits.
Ha! Because there were
no rabbits.
Hey Emily.
Got your speech ready?
Who told you about that?
She's giving the keynote
at the AACL luncheon today.
Whoa. I don't know what
it stands for but congrats.
Why didn't you tell us?
I... I just get a little nervous
so I just wanted to keep it
under the radar.
That's why I'm here.
I spoke last year and,
whoo... stressful.
And I know how much you hate
public speaking, so...
Yeah, but I've been practicing
so I think I'll be good.
Of course.
No worry, it's just a couple
hundred people in the audience.
- And, uh...
- Uh-huh.
They film it and post it
on their website
and it's up there forever.
So, nobody looks at it.
[whispers] Yes, they do.
I watched your speech, Templeton.
- Several times, so funny.
- Big fan.
What kind of truck does
a pig drive?
A hambulance.
Ah, that line k*lled.
[laughs]
Anyway, uh, happy to step in
for you
and I promise you the audience
will not be disappointed.
Thank you so much.
Uh, but shouldn't you be
on patrol or something?
Heading out now.
Oh! What's that?
Looks like I have an email
that is stuck in my outbox.
- Boom!
- [phone alerts chiming]
Fixed it. Enjoy.
A gleefully vindictive message
from Officer Templeton Dutch.
That jerk got a hold of
our body-cam footage.
Oh, he did know about
the rabbits.
[Frank] Ugh.
[Delores] Look at you guys
running away
from the li'l rabbits!
We were regrouping!
Are you... are you...
are you kidding me?!
What... what are these,
green peppers?!
Okay. I support healthy choices, Delores,
but it is donut Wednesday.
I am stressed and I need sugar
so you need to fix this.
Revenge!
[all in unison]
Revenge!
[Emily attempting
to breathe calmly]
Hey. Hey.
Try not to let Templeton
get in your head.
Oh yeah, uh, too late.
Uh, he is... he is in there.
Okay, listen.
I used to get really nervous
before big competitions.
Like, it got bad.
So I remember my coach hooked me
up with this sports psychologist
who gave me some cool
relaxation techniques.
If you wanna try.
Okay.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, okay.
'Cause my heart is um...
really pounding.
Okay. Um, so, close
your eyes.
Yeah.
Take a deep breath and imagine
yourself on a mountain.
Now, you're about
to start a race
against this big-ass Swiss dude.
Wait. No. Sorry.
Visualize yourself giving
the speech.
Confident, calm, looking
super fly in your business suit
and the crowd is loving it.
They're chanting your name.
Emily! Emily! Emily!
Well, it's a professional conference
so there's not really
a whole lot of chanting.
No chanting?
- No.
- That's too bad.
Okay. Then just
visualize yourself
absolutely crushing the speech.
Okay.
How's your heart rate?
It is actually better.
[laughs]
You're gonna medal for sure.
Oh, um... remind me.
In my outfit you said
I looked, um...
Super fly.
Right, okay.
♪
[Shred] Okay. Only one
big question left.
Who's going to step up
and be my emergency contact?
Don't you have family
you can ask?
My dad d*ed and my mom
moved to Florida.
But she's got a sweet condo
on the beach
and she says any time I wanna
bring down my emergency contact
for a little sand and sea,
she has a room waiting.
Oh. Well, I hope you and that
guy without boundaries
have fun with your mom.
No! No, no, no, no, no,
no, no!
Guys, who ate one of
my chocolate bars?
There were three
and now there's two.
And they were hidden
way at the back
with my frickin' name on it.
If your name's on it,
that's sacrosanct.
You can look that word up, Shred.
[whispers] Sacrosanct...
Although I did eat Patel's
ice cream bar.
What? I was saving that
for my end of the week treat!
Oh, you were
intolerable yesterday.
It demanded a response.
Why? Because I said the Mariners
don't have a sh*t this year?
Say it again and you can kiss
your tuna sandwich goodbye.
The Mariners don't have
a sh*t this year.
Oh, that tuna sandwich
is gonna taste...
The Mariners
don't have a sh*t...
Okay, I think we're done here.
I need to know who ate
my chocolate bar.
Shred, check the waste
baskets now.
Thanks. Great.
Uh, those chocolate bars
were laced
with high-grade hallucinogenics.
Have you seen double rainbow?
Someone's about to be 10 times
more like that guy
than that guy was.
Hey. Did Emily make it back?
Uh... I'm not sure.
I was gonna give her
a ride
but she ran off after
her presentation.
Um... can this wait?
It's just, we're in the middle
of a bit of a crisis.
It's just weird because
her speech went so well.
She was funny,
talking off the cuff...
she even sang at one point.
Oh God.
Emily ate the chocolate.
All of it?
It looks that way, yeah.
Code red.
My thin mints are missing,
gone without a trace.
She's binging.
Actually, I threw
the cookies out.
You'll thank me later.
Actually, I will not thank you.
I will not thank you, Delores!
I want my own refrigerator.
'Kay?
Delores, I want
my own refrigerator!
So, who's your emergency
contact?
My father.
Aww, I didn't know you were
close with your dad.
We're not.
I hate that son of a bitch.
Then why did you choose him?
Well, if something happens
to me, he's on the hook.
With any luck,
I'll be a vegetable
requiring 24-hour care.
That makes me sad, bro.
My dad was my best friend.
Yeah, of course he was.
My only regret is I never
got to tell him
how much he meant to me.
I mean, he probably knew
because I told him
I loved him every day.
Except when my phone d*ed,
which happened a lot when I was
competing in Europe
'cause I didn't have
the right plugs.
Point is... don't leave
things unsaid.
Call your dad.
You know, they make those
three-in-one adapters.
They have for years.
Really?
Now I have two regrets.
[Dispatch] Truck 12. Pet python
escaped its enclosure.
7276 South Kenwood.
And get this.
It's JT Wallace's house.
Holy crap. JT Wallace.
Oh, who's that?
Are you serious?
The wide receiver
for the Seahawks?
In what world could I have been
your emergency contact?
Get out.
[Shred] What, really?
We're doing this again?
I'm not... I can't even
look at you.
Don't look at me!
[Victoria] How the hell
are we gonna find her?
I don't know.
It's just like looking
for someone's lost mutt.
Oh, so we put out some beef
strips and stand behind a bush?
I know you're kidding
but do you have beef strips?
Everything I was gonna eat today
got senselessly ripped away
from me.
No. I don't eat gassy foods
on sex days.
Ooh, how's it going
with the yogi by the way?
Do you like him?
As a person?
He's done so much healing
he's healed himself right out of
an actual personality.
But in bed, and I say this
as someone
with a sufficiently large
sample pool,
- Mmmhmm.
- uh, he's detail-oriented.
Hmm.
I used to be detail-oriented.
That was before I was tired
all the time.
Maybe you should try
some of this.
- No.
- I'll give you a little.
No. I can't eat that.
Yes, you can.
Give it a sh*t.
It makes everything feel amazing
and you're not really doing
anything different.
It's almost like cheating.
My life's not built for that.
Every night I'm taking a kid
to the ER.
Or talking another one down
from a nightmare.
Last night it was
global warming.
I can't discuss polar ice caps
all high and horny.
Oh, my God.
Is that Emily?
[cheering]
[chanting]
Emily! Emily! Emily! Emily!
Even Seahawk colors.
Sheesh. You almost b*at me.
Yeah. Asher knows
all the shortcuts.
Hey, good luck
with your girlfriend, buddy.
I sincerely hope everything
works out.
[Girlfriend] Thank God
you're here. Hurry!
He was cleaning the cage.
Holy crap.
It's huge.
Frank, have you ever dealt with
something like this before?
No. And I can't tell you
how much,
but something that's not nothing
just slipped out of me
and into my underwear.
It's getting tighter.
Just remain calm, we're gonna
unwind it from you.
Shred, grab the head.
I'm not grabbing the head, man.
It's scary and gross.
The Seahawks have a very shallow
depth chart,
now grab the head.
I'm not touching that thing.
I was led to believe
this job was mostly dogs.
Help him!
This thing is super strong.
Grab something, Shred.
Okay. But I'm closing my eyes.
Is this a bad time to tell you
that I'm a big fan?
[JT] Yes.
Okay. Well, it would just
seem phony
if I didn't say anything, right?
Listen, man, you get
this thing off me,
I'll sign anything you want.
Really? How about a football?
- Yes.
- How about a jersey?
- Yes.
- A helmet?
Yes.
What about one of those
breast cancer awareness hats-
- Anything!
- That are collectible.
[gasps]
Yeah. I thought I was gonna die.
[groaning]
Okay, yeah, yeah...
Oh, my God.
It's on me now.
If I don't make it...
b*at the Rams.
[Victoria] Oh, my god.
Emily! Hey!
How's it going, girl?
Oh, man. You are really good
out there.
What'd you play
in high school?
- Yeah.
- What are you guys doing here?
Uh, we, we just, uh...
we just came to take you back
to the office.
To the office.
Oh. No. I'm not going back.
Yeah. I'm...
I'm never going back.
Bye!
Oh, I hate running.
- Emily! Emily!
- Emily!!
My god, she's out of control.
[Patel] Hello! Emily! Slow down!
Stop guys!
Guys, guys, stop her!
Whoo!
My whole body's buzzing.
I've never felt more alive!
Dude, that snake had plans
for you.
A brush with death
and an encounter with
a world-class athlete.
Okay. That's obviously
a little bit hurtful.
I came in 7th at Pyeongchang
but I know it's a niche sport.
Listen, don't get needy but
you were pretty good back there.
Really?
You're already being needy.
I won't say another word.
Except that after this,
I can't imagine being in battle
with anyone else.
Snake brothers forever!
Oh, 100 percent did this
to myself.
- Again?
- Give me those forms.
- What? What did I do?
- Give me those forms.
- You'll be my emergency contact?
- Give them to me.
Don't get hurt 'cause I'm
pulling the plug for anything.
Ooooh!
Alright!
Whoo!
[Emily] I'm finally coming out
of my cocoon!
[Victoria] You're high on dr*gs!
No, I'm high on life!
[Victoria] Life can't do that,
that's why we have dr*gs.
- [Emily] Ah!
- [Victoria] Yes!
[Victoria] No, No.
Oh, here we go.
I mean, I went to Vienna once
but I mostly just stayed
in the hotel.
Like, what was I afraid of?
Mmhmm.
I can't do this anymore.
I am afraid of so many things.
What does that mean?
You can go.
This is my fault anyway
and I've done this, like,
a hundred times.
Listen, if you need anything,
anything at all,
just don't call me.
Bye Emily.
Oh, bye- whoa, you have
gorgeous teeth.
[laughing]
Thank you. Okay.
Wait. Did you know I can name
every country in South America?
No, I didn't.
- Okay. Um, I can.
- Okay.
- Venezuela.
- Yeah.
- Ecuador.
- I deserve this.
Colombia, Paraguay.
[knocking]
Oh, look what the cat
dragged in.
It's nice to see you
too, Dad.
Look, um... I had a near-death
experience today
and, I don't know, I don't wanna
die with things left unsaid.
I'm listening.
Anyway, I just wanted you
to know
that you're a terrible father
who never had my back and
I want you to rot in hell.
So that's it.
Those are the two items.
Well look, uh...
you came this far,
at least come in
and have a beer.
Did you just hear what I said?
Yeah. Bad father and, uh...
the rotting thing.
You want a beer or not?
What kind you got?
Rainier. I've been drinking
the same beer since I was 12.
You too good for Rainier now?
I've always been too good
for Rainier.
What are you, like, 100 now?
French Guyana.
Regular Guyana. Chile.
[knocking on door]
Argentina.
Hang on,
I have to get that.
Wait. No, please don't
leave me.
No, you'll be fine.
You'll be fine.
Eat your cereal.
Sorry, I don't have any milk.
I know it's dry.
Hi.
I'm so happy to see you.
Yeah, you too.
As a tantric exercise
I've abstained from sex
for three months.
I intend to focus all that
stored-up energy on you.
[Emily] Suriname!
I forgot Suriname.
- Uh...
- Who's that?
Is she going to participate
or... just watch?
No. There was an office fridge
mix up
and now she's in
another dimension.
Uh... I'm gonna have to stay
here and take care of her.
But when she comes down
I could text you.
Three months is
a really long time
and I have a few other friends
in Seattle.
But I'll be back in August.
Bye Victoria.
'Kay. Bye. Cool.
- Can I tell you something?
- Yeah. Of course.
I only got my job
because of connections
in the mayor's office, so...
I don't deserve it,
I'm a fraud.
That's not true.
That's the dr*gs talking.
Everyone thinks you're great.
- Really?
- Yeah. You're great.
You're my best friend.
Oh, okay.
That's... that's really nice.
[phone ringing]
Hang on.
Hello?
Oh, you were right.
These chocolates
are a game-changer.
Maya called her mom,
she picked up the kids,
we got the whole night
to ourselves.
Wait. Are you seriously
calling me post sex?
Yeah, post.
Pre. Pre-pre.
You never know.
Oh, Victoria, you're gonna need
to hold me.
I'm starting to panic
about climate change.
Oh, my God.
We ate the fortune cookies.
Oh, and they were
mighty delicious.
Freaky Friday baby!
- [Emily] ♪ Always count on me
- Oh boy.
[Emily] Hello Mister Mayor.
♪ Keep turning,
oh, keep smiling, ♪
♪ knowing you can
always count on me. ♪
♪ Everybody!
For sure! ♪
Oh, I'm going really,
really wide with this.
♪ That's what friends are for.
Adopt these dogs!
01x02 - Rabbits and Pythons
Watch/Buy Amazon
A group of animal control workers in Seattle begin to see their lives complicated by humans and not so much by animals.
A group of animal control workers in Seattle begin to see their lives complicated by humans and not so much by animals.