01x12 - Unicorns and Mountain Lions

[bunniefuu]

[yelling and chanting]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Thanks. Sorry.

Good luck.

You couldn't find
a bigger rat?

Ah!

Exciting day.
What's happening?

I was doing crowd control

when that huge balloon rat
spooked my horse.

Well, I'm a bit of
a horse whisperer,

so I'll talk to her.

She better hurry up.
Breakfast ends at 10:00.

It's a joke.

Ah!

Hi, Officer.

Wow. Ok.

Even for someone your size,
that is a lot of granola.

Alright. Good job.

Alright, you stopped.

That's impressive.

Yeah. I grew up
with horses.

No, man.

They got a crepe station
and a waffle bar!

Why don't you come on
over here.

[Frank] Here you go.

I'll get you back
to the truck.

[snorts]

No?

Well, she's either still
afraid of that huge rat

or very anti-union.

You want me to go outside
and deflate the rat?

Shred, as much as I'd like
to see you get your ass kicked

by a bunch of economically
strapped culinary workers...

[yelling and chanting]

I think we need to find
another way out of here.

Officer Shaw and Officer
Wilbur exiting the building.

Shred, if you're outside,
take pictures.

I look... awesome.

[theme song]

♪

♪

I think I'm gonna
break up with Camila.

What are you
talking about?

I just keep thinking
about Emily

and it's not fair to Camila,
so we have to break up.

Next vacation day I get,

I'm flying to Europe and
I'm gonna do it in person.

It's the honorable thing.

Honorable, rash, insanely
expensive and, uh,

I'm not sure
you have the time.

Why wouldn't I have
enough time?

Emily asked about you.

Oh, my god!
What did she say?

She said she was interested.

What?! And then what
did you say?!

I told her you were
with Camila.

And then what did
she say?!

Seriously, let go of my arm.

Ok. Sorry.

I said you were totally
into Camila

and that she should go
on a date with Rick

because he asked her
to dinner... in Canada.

What?! Rick?! Canada?!

She was just asking if she
should even go out with him.

Well, thanks to you,
now the clock's ticking

and I have to tell Emily
how I feel.

Well, just tell her!

Frank! I can't make
a move on Emily

before I've broken up
with Camila!

It wouldn't be honorable.

What is this, feudal Japan?

Just call her and then
talk to Emily.

I have to look Camila in
the eyes when I do it, Frank.

You sound like
a serial k*ller.

Just call her!

Shred, come here.

Hey.

Hey, do you want to see
something extremely cute?

Always.

Ok. This little girl
sent me a letter

asking for a unicorn license.

This is like exactly
what I would have done

when I was little.

That's adorable.

I know. She wants to
keep it in her backyard.

You should write her back
on official stationary.

That is an amazing idea.

Yeah. And maybe like put
glitter inside the envelope.

[gasps] Yes!

Wait, were you also
once a little girl

with a unicorn obsession?

[laughs]

You were.

I have to make a quick
FaceTime call.

Ok.

Oh, good lord.

Did you wipe the bike
down after?

I always do, come on.

Cause there's often a puddle.

Buddy, you're not gonna be
able to bring me down today.

I'm riding so high.

I got a full night's sleep
for the first time in 11 years.

Don't let your endorphins
cloud how not ok that outfit is.

Yeah, it's a micro-aggression.

All three kids slept
through the night.

I mean, I don't wanna jinx
this thing, but maybe I will.

I'm whipping this bitch
called parenthood

and there's no looking back.

Next!

Maybe next you should
have a quick rinse.

Yeah? Or maybe I should
do this.

Oh!

Now you're gonna have
to wipe that down

and the plant.

Hey, everyone,
I have some...

um, some sad news.
C-38 d*ed.

Oh my god, really?

[Emily] Yeah.

The cougar?
What happened?

From the stills
form the trail camera

it seems like natural causes,

but they've asked if we can
come pick up the body.

I'll get him.

I'll come with you.

Alright. Good luck guys.

I'll just be here
crushing it.

You should shower, please.

It's what C-38
would have wanted.

[FaceTime chimes]

[exhales]

Shred! What's up, bro?

Cole? What are you doing
with Camila's phone?

Ah, dude, she left it
in the lodge.

She's up on the mountain.
Why, what's up?

Where are you right now?

Seattle. Hey, can you have
her call me back?

It's kind of important, man.

Totally, dude.

Cool.

Yo, what's Seattle like?

I'm sorry, Cole, I actually
gotta, I gotta jump, man.

Yeah, Austria is
weird man.

The snow is like
total concrete.

Alright, just have her,
just have her call me.

Ok.

There he is.

What are you doing?

I'm covering the camera.

I want you to be able
to mourn in private.

I'm fine.

Come on, Frank.

You guys had a really
special connection.

You literally risked your
job to save that animal.

I have tissues, I think.

I'm good.

You can just help me get
him in the truck.

You know what?

I'm gonna... I'm gonna give
you a moment alone with him.

I'll be right here.

Victoria...

Are you crying?

No. Will you help?

I'm sorry.

Help me.

I thought you were crying.

Right, and I'm the one
with the emotional issues.

Ok, I'll just
do this by myself.

[Rick] Oh, that's perfect!
Maybe add a rainbow.

Ok, what is it with you
and rainbows?

That's four now.
It's crazy.

Hey! Party's
in here I guess.

Oh, Shred.
Rick had the best idea.

Oh, it's not
really anything.

It's just an add-on to
your awesome letter idea.

Yeah, well there's
no I in unicorn.

Except for the one.

We're making an actual
unicorn license for Sophie

and then I'm gonna
take it to her house

and present it to her.

That's amazing.
I love that.

Rick, what are you doing
here in the office?

I just stopped by
to say hi.

Drop off some coffees.

That is your jam.
I love it.

Hey, I'm gonna go on a
bagel run for the office.

Anyone want anything?

Wait, you're doing
a bagel run?

Yeah. Are you ok?

Is this about C-38?

Do you guys want
bagels or not?

I will take a blueberry.

No.

Plain.

I'll just do like a...

[in unison]
Poppyseed.

No!

Are you kidding me?

No one likes poppyseed!

Did you hear that?

Hey, Frank,

you're getting all these
bagels for the whole office

and probably some orange
juice, I'm guessing.

Do you think you
need somebody

to help you carry
all that?

Good call.

Yeah.

Does... does Rick
seem logical?

Just cause everyone else
here is providing

a professional service.

Uh, nope. I need Rick
on sparkle duty.

Oh, that's coming
from the top, my friend.

Can't do anything
about that.

Alright, Shred.
Let's go.

Ok.

Ok, let's get
serious here.

Ok, let's get serious
with another rainbow!

You took me out of the picture
with a bagel run?

Why don't you just get them
a hotel room together?

You know what, I'm out.
I'm out of the triangle.

You can't get out
of the triangle.

You made the triangle.

Oh, just call Camila!

I tried.

This guy named Cole
answered the phone.

He took my message

but he's had a bunch
of concussions.

Shocker. Why don't
you call her back?

Calling her back.

[FaceTime chimes]

[exhales]

Shred! What's up, dude?

Hey, Cole, you still have
Camila's phone.

[Cole] I forgot to give it
back to her, dude.

That is my bad.

[Shred] I really need
to talk to her, bud,

so if you could give it back
to her, I'd appreciate it.

I am on a weird Austrian bus
all by myself right now,

but I will give it
back to her.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, dude.
No worries.

I'll talk to you soon, bro.

Cole seems solid.

Hi, I'm Emily
from Animal Control.

Hi, did you get my letter?

I did and I have something
very special to give you.

Thank you so much
for doing this.

Are you kidding?

It's the best part
of my job.

That's my cat, Olive.

That's my cat, Monkey.

[meows]

And that's my cat
French Fry, the white one.

He's asthmatic.

Oh, French Fry.

Ok, Sophie, this certificate
is giving you permission

to keep exactly one unicorn
in your backyard

as long as you follow

all of the official animal
control unicorn keeping rules.

Thank you.

I'd also like to present you

with the official Animal
Control regulation binder

which is filled
with all of the rules

that we follow
every single day

to take care of
the city's animals.

All the rules?

And the subsections too.

Oh, thank you, Sophie.

[meows]

[Donna] Oh, look.

Elmer is here for
the great news as well.

Oh, you guys have
a fourth cat.

Mmhmm.

Can I just take a quick peek
at that binder?

Check something
about four cats...

Hey! How'd it go
with the unicorn girl?

Um, well I gave her
the license

and then I robbed her
of her innocence

by taking away her cat.

Why would you do that?

Well, you know, section 12,
subsection 17a, article V.

"Private residences
may have up to,

"but not in excess
of three cats."

And Sophie had four.

Sophie had a choice
of what cat had to go.

So... Sophie's choice.

[Shred laughs]

Great movie.

Yeah, I like it.

[meows]

Thanks.

Hey, are you ok?

I'm sorry Rick's idea
went so horribly.

Empanadas, everyone.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm still full
from bagels

but I could have
an empanada.

Everybody dig in.
They're on me.

Wait, did you say,
"they're on me?"

Yeah.

I'm just gonna say it,

I'm really worried
about you.

Hey, can we not judge
his grieving process?

Thank you.

Is this spinach,
you think?

Espinaca.

You've just had like no
reaction to C-38's death

and I want you to know
that it's ok to let it out.

I saw him in person once
and I feel attached.

You remember when
we saw him together?

Yeah.

I apologize for not
breaking down more.

And doing two separate
food runs.

Still no thank yous,
by the way.

[all] Thank you!

Too late.

I just feel like you need
something to help you

process your grief.

No, I don't.

That cougar was arguably
your best friend.

It wasn't a person.
It was a wild animal.

And animals literally
die every second.

It's nature.

So, for the last time,
I'm fine.

Oh, I've got an idea.

I hate to say this, but
I'm gonna call Templeton.

[bagpipes humming]

♪

♪

Thank you, Templeton

and thank you Victoria
for bringing us all together

to celebrate the life of
our beloved cougar, C-38.

We will all feel his absence
for a long time

as we struggle to imagine
a Seattle without him.

[drumming sounds]

Sorry, are there drums?

Guys!

Hey! Keep it down.

It's the wrong soundtrack
for a funeral.

Diminishes the haunting
beauty of my Kilberry.

Ok, where was I? Um...

She's so clumsy.

[Emily] Oh, no...

Like a newborn foal.

You know what?
I can do it without...

C-38 lived a long life
for a cat,

'cause 12 years for
a human would be,

like, really tragic.

Ah, but you know,
pivoting from that

he was... special to us all.

Would anyone else like
to say a few words?

Frank?

I'm good.

Ok. Well, then Jack,
would you do us the honors?

Color Party, attention.

[grunts]

Shoulder arms.

[grunts]

Squad, regimental salute.
Present arms.

[grunts]

[Patel] Oh, they're
using the net g*ns.

Wow.

Squad, shoulder arms.

[grunts]

[drumming]

Are you kidding me?

[Victoria] Hey, Frank, um...

Frank, you don't have to...

Oh, boy.

Hey!

Do you not see that there's
a funeral 30 feet from here?

Could this completely
out of sync noise pollution

have waited
until we were gone?

Uh... uh...

[drumming continues]

Hey, man!

[crashing]

How many bongo trophies
do you guys have?

There's one!

Frank!

Now it sounds better,
I guarantee it.

[Frank] There you go!

That stupid...

That may not be entirely
about the drums.

[Emily] This is turning
into a day.

Frank falling apart.
I confiscated that cat.

It's just, Sophie loves
rules so much,

I felt like it would be
confusing for her

to break my own regulations.

It feels like it was
kind of my fault,

the license was my idea.

No.

[chuckles] Love that
accountability, Rick.

I'm just totally gonna
have French Fry nightmares.

I guess this whole thing

has sort of turned
into a nightmare.

You were doing what
you thought was right.

Yeah, I think I messed up.

Maybe on this one,

we don't follow
the rules.

I like where you're going.

Mind if I plus that idea?

Maybe there's a loophole
on this one.

Households can't have
more than three cats,

but what if it wasn't
a cat?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, so good.

Right?

So good!

Yes!

Are we thinking the same?

- Yes!
- Oh, my god.

You the man!

Guys, what's so good?

[Emily] I took French Fry
from you this morning

and that was not
very nice.

Though she was just
following protocol.

Right.

But when I took French Fry
to Animal Control,

something magical happened.

What?

[both gasps]

French Fry turned
into a caticorn.

So now you have
three cats

and a magical caticorn,

and that's not in violation
of any Seattle code.

No.

It's just all so magical.

Yeah.

I love him.
Thank you.

♪

Okay, don't get
too wasted, Carol.

Oh, man.
I need a drink.

It's open bar.
Collette's treat.

Uh... no, no, no.
I said I got the first round.

That's it. That's it.

Thirty year-old scotch,
can you cancel that, please?

And the queso starter.
Thank you.

Everything cool with you?

Long day. I just had
a bunch of neuter jobs.

Mm. I got fixed
a month ago.

You're doing
the Lord's work.

[Patel] I'm at the top of both
my parenting and sex game

but more kids?

It's a good thing
I can't have them.

So, uh, which one
do I blow into?

[flirtatious laughter]

This one.
I'll show you.

[bagpipes humming]

That's lovely.
What is that?

The opening bars
of Sexual Healing.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Hey.

Hi.

Um, I actually wanted to talk
to you about something

when you get a second.

I think I have a second
right now.

Well, now's not good, actually.

Soon.

Soon will be good
but not now.

Ok.

There he is!

Oh.

Bye.

[glass clinking]

Everybody, could you
bring it in?

I should probably address
the elephant in the room.

Hey, uh-nah.
We're off the clock here.

[crowd laughs]

Sorry about those bongos
I almost hit you with, Jack.

Mmhmm.

I obviously lost
my mind earlier

and though drum circles
and hippies are a scourge,

my behavior
was not warranted.

This is weird, but
I looked up to C-38.

I mean, if he were here,

he'd k*ll most of us
who couldn't run fast.

Sorry, Patel.

He had a set
of steak knives

at the end of each
of his paws.

So cool.

You know, I always
kind of looked at him

as a beautiful, lone wolf
who was a cougar.

Yeah, it's getting away
from me.

I'm gonna miss him.

[phone rings]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm really sorry, Frank!

Hey, Camila. Let me...

Let me just get
somewhere quiet.

Let's raise a glass
to C-38, shall we?

Yes!

[all] To C-38!

[Frank] Next round is
on me, guys.

Nothing top-shelf.

[voice] Thanks Frank.

Oh, no.

Oh, Patel...

I'm sorry, I should
have warned you

my toasts have been known
to bring the house down.

It's not your words.
It's my life.

Maya's pregnant.

[Victoria] How?
You got a vasectomy.

One in 1,000 don't take.

I'm one in 1,000.

This is good news, buddy.

Absolutely.

It's a blessing.
Excuse me.

[Camila] Shred, hey,
guess what?

What?

[Camila] My whole family
came into town.

They surprised me
at the race.

Amazing!

Hey, do you have
a second?

There's something I wanted
to talk to you about.

What's up?

I'm more nervous
than I thought I'd be.

Oh, my god. Mama...

[speaking in Spanish]

Camila, I care
about you so much,

but being apart
has been harder than

I thought it would be

and this could be the biggest
mistake of my life,

but I think we
should break up.

You're handling this
with incredible grace.

Is this how you tell me?

Ok, spotty reception.

I can't believe this.

I wish I didn't have
to do it like this,

in front of your entire
family and... Cole.

[Cole] What's up, dude?

[Camila] This is about
Emily, isn't it?

No. I... I
wouldn't do that.

Nothing's happened yet.
I'm honorable.

Es stupido!

Oh, she spit right
on the camera.

And you also suck
as a snowboarder.

Wait, Camila! Camila!

This probably isn't
a redial situation.

[Templeton] Probably not.

[Dolores]
Yeah, definitely not.

[laughter]

[bagpipes humming]

[laughter and bagpipes hum]

Hey.

Wanna buy a boat?

Yeah.

What did you do
to your hand?

Oh, snagged it
on a snare drum

that I threw
into the woods.

Did you disinfect it?

Yes.

With a filthy poncho.

You're an idiot.

Absolutely.

Thank you for today.

Sure.

Really.

Anytime.

Really.

[Patel] Why am I so fertile?!

[vomiting]

Oh, no.

Oh, boy.

I should help him.

Yeah, I'm gonna
help him.

Yeah.

Ok, buddy, let's
get you back inside.

[Patel] One in 1,000.

Yeah.

Ok, well you still
owe me a dinner date,

so don't think I forgot
about that.

I think I sh*t a little
low last time.

Uh, Paris? Let's do...
well Paris.

Yeah, you know,

that just feels like a second
date type of a thing.

Well, you pick the place.

I'll go anywhere.

Hey, Jack, Jack, Jack.
Have you seen Emily?

No, but have you seen this?

Oh.

I can't...

♪ As I was a goin' over

♪ the cork and
Kerry mountains ♪

♪ I met with captain Farrell

♪ and his money
he was counting ♪

♪ I first produced me p*stol

♪ and then I threw
me rapier ♪

♪ I said "stand and deliver"

♪ for you are
the grand deceiver ♪

♪ Mush-a ring dumb-a do
dumba-a da ♪

♪ Whack fall me daddy-o,
whack fall me daddy-o ♪

♪ There's a whiskey
in the jar ♪

[cheering]

Oh, no, no, no.
We're good.

Uh-oh. Shred.

Hey.

How's the love life?

Not good.

I'm sorry, partner.
Let me get you a drink.

What did you call me?

Hm?

You said "partner".

Tell anyone
and I'll k*ll you.

Well, I won't... partner.

Let me get a blueberry mojito.

Make that two.

He's drinking both.

NARRATOR: The new
comedy, "Animal Control"