01x04 - Lopez vs Birthdays

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Oscar, seagull.
- [imitates seagull cry]

Oh! Five points--
it touched your lips.

Chance, seagull.
- [imitates seagull cry]

- There you go--ten points!
Man, game over. You win.

You're the king
of the garbage birds.

Collect your winnings
off the floor.

- Dad, that's enough.

Last time I took Chance
to the beach,

he fought an actual seagull
for a fry.

- Yeah, but he won,
and we ate good that day.

- Mom, did you get
my birthday invitations?

- Yep, thanks to the printer
at work.

Oh, I also swiped
these poop bags

to put the party favors in.

- This is for you, Grandpa.

You're coming, right?

- Of course I'll be there.
We're roommates.

I think it would be
really awkward if I didn't go.

- [clears throat]
Hello. I'm right here.

- We're at full capacity,
but you're on the wait list.

- Then so is your gift.

It's ham.

- His birthday's
at the insect museum?

- Yeah.
- With all the dead bugs?

- Mm-hmm.

- I'll save you
some money, Mayan.

I stepped on a cockroach
this morning.

It's still stuck to my shoe.
I'll show it to you for free.

- Do you think the museum
has ladybugs?

I always wondered
what it would be like

to go on a fancy date with one.

[British accent] Hello, milady.
Fancy a crumpet?

- And that's why
you're not invited.

You're a whole freak.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- What are you guys doing?
- Paying bills.

- Very responsible.
Got to go.

- Hold up.

Look, we know it's been hard
for you losing your home,

keeping your business afloat,

zipping up your pants
after five beers.

We're not asking you for rent.
- Whew. Okay, I'll stay.

- I'm here.
- Now I want to go again.

- I have exciting news.

Your tíasare coming to town
for Chance's birthday.

- Wait, my actual tíasor the
ladies you made me call "tías,"

like your cousins,
your coworkers,

and your favorite cashier
at Chico's?

- Mm, Janet and I
aren't speaking,

and it's up to her
to make it right.

Anyway, it's Daisy, Lily,
and Flor,

the tíasfrom New York
who travel together.

- They share one broomstick

unless they decided
to go Jet Bruja.

- Well, I've never met them.

So I hope I can make
a good impression.

- Unless your name is
Julio Iglesias, Andy Garcia,

or a Carnival Cruise Line
captain,

they're not going
to be impressed.

- I am just excited to
practice my Spanish with them.

See, I already got
my Mexican accent down.

And now I get to showcase
my Cuban one.

Ready? In Mexican, it's...

[speaking Spanish]

And in Cuban, it's...

Accent's all in the hands.

I'm going to iron my guayabera.

- Don't worry. I'll make sure
he does none of that.

- He should just speak English.

They don't like it
when people try so hard.

- Oh, then they're going
to love the dead bug party,

because clearly Mayan didn't
try too hard planning that.

Was the roadkill museum
closed?

- Hey, this is
what Chance wants.

I know my son.

- And I know how to show
that kid a good time.

So come on, Mayan,
let me plan this birthday.

Remember all the great
birthday parties I threw you?

- I threw them.
You threw up at them.

- I remember one year
you drank so much

that you passed out
in the bounce house.

- Best sleep of my life.

It's soft in there,

hugs your curves
in all the right places.

- You never even got me gifts.

I asked you for a puppy
every year until I was 14,

but the closest I got was that
woman you dated named Fifi.

- She always came
when I called her.

Good Fifi.

Mayan, if I had given you
a dog,

you would have gotten
your fill of dogs,

and then you
would have never wanted

to pursue a career as a vet,
so you're welcome.

- I wanted to be a vet
because of "Air Bud."

- I thought it was because
of "Beverly Hills Chihuahua."

Come on, Mayan, this is my
first birthday with Chance.

Let me throw him
a classic Lopez backyard banger

with a bounce house,
a piñata, and chickens

that start out as entertainment
and end up as dinner.

- Mayan and Quentin
can't afford all that.

Look how they dress.

- They can't,
but you can, sugar mama.

Picture this--
a banner that says

"Chance's Seventh Birthday,

"sponsored
by Rosie La Reina's Insurance.

Se habla inglés."

You know how many people

come to a Latino kid's
birthday party?

And I can guarantee you none
of them will have insurance.

- I'm in.

- All right,
I got to go talk to Oscar.

He's got a hookup
at the party store.

Her name is Brenda,
and she's got nice balloons.

- There's no way he actually
follows through with this.

- Oh, no way in hell.

All he's going to do is hit on
that girl at the party store.

Oh, I should call ahead
and warn her.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

- What's going on?

You actually came through?

If there's one thing
I can rely on you for,

it's being unreliable.

- I'm adulting.
I'm an adulterer.

- I got some bad news.

I think the bounce house
is broken.

I tried blowing into it,
but it won't inflate.

- It has a motor, fool.

What did you even blow into?

- Before you start
blowing anything up,

we should check with Chance

to see if this
is what he really wants.

I'm sure he wants a bug party.

He's so excited that he started
his own bug collection,

and now I have
to burn his sheets.

- Oh, those ants are my fault.
I keep hot dogs under the bed.

Why do you think
I'm never hungover?

- Chance?

- Eh, I was just about
to do that--Chance.

- It's not a competition.
Chance!

- Then why am I winning?
Chance!

- I got a bounce house?
This party's about to be lit!

- What about the bugs?
- They're dead.

They'll still be dead next
week.

- I guess he's okay with it.

Want to see a live chicken?

Say hello to Hennifer Lopez.

- Whoa!

- Don't get too attached.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, gordo,
enjoying the party?

- It's the best, Grandpa.

- Did you do what I said?

- Yes, I got
three girls' numbers...

as soon as they're old enough
to have phones.

- And as soon as you're
old enough to get a phone,

I'll show you
how to save their numbers

as Domino's, Pizza Hut,
and Little Caesars.

- Why?

- Because when you get older,

you're going to want to eat
a lot of different pizza

from a lot
of different places...

thin and thick crust.

- Your dad and I really nailed
this party, didn't we?

- Yeah, it's great--

almost like two adult children
got high

and planned a birthday party.

- Okay, what's going on
with your vibe?

- What are you talking about?

- Mm, I can tell when
something's bothering a woman.

I have, how do you say,
women's intuition.

- Oh, Lord.

- I'm getting the feeling
that you're bummed

that Chance chose
this big party over your idea.

- No.

I want him to be happy.

If he's happy, I'm happy.

- But you don't sound happy.

- I'm having the time
of my life, menso.

- Okay, this is

women-on-women's-intuition
v*olence.

- Ay, there he is.

Quinten, this is Tía Daisy.

- Your kind eyes remind me

of my late husband, Raymundo.

- I'm sorry for your loss.
When did he pass?

- 25 years ago.

But when you wear him
in a locket around your neck,

it's like it was yesterday.

- And this is Tía Lily.

- It's actually
Mrs. Dr. Lily Rodriguez.

- Oh, are you a doctor?

- My husband is,
so pretty much.

- And my cousin Flor.

- I love your sparkly visor.

- Would you believe
I make them myself?

I sell them on "Es-ty."

- Well, Quinten does well, too.

He works
at the Apple Genius Bar.

- Oh!
- Mm-hmm.

I'm going to go
make us some drinks.

Why don't you tell them
about the time

that you fixed
Enrique Iglesias's phone.

[ladies gasp]

- Okay, so, uh,
he brought it in,

and I fixed it.

- But where was Julio?

- Can you reset
my facial recognition?

It hasn't worked since I got
stung on the lips by a bee

and the swelling spread
to my breasts.

- Sure, no problem.

- [speaking Spanish]

- [speaking Spanish]

- Déjame decirte algo...

[speaking Spanish]

[laughter]

- Oh, hey, papa.

How about you hang
with your mom for a little bit?

- Maybe later.
Right now I'm having fun.

- So am I!

- Girl...

- We're going to play
Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

Grandpa says he's the best

because he's been chasing tail
his whole life.

I didn't get it,
but I laughed anyways.

[cumbia music]

♪ ♪

- Ow!

♪ ♪

- Oh!

♪ ♪

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- Rosie, I need to tell you
something,

and it might be upsetting.

- Oh, I already know
about your inverted nipples.

- Not what I was going to say.

But update--they reverted.

I overheard the tíastalking
about you.

They didn't realize
that I understand Spanish.

- Interesting.
What did they say?

- Oh, just g-general stuff,

like how you're struggling
with business

and fashion choices and lack
of romantic fulfillment.

- So they called me a hoochie
who can't get laid?

- A broke hoochie.

Sorry.

If you hate me for telling you,
I completely understand.

- I don't hate you.

That was a test.
You passed.

- I'm sorry, what?

- I left you alone
with those chismosason purpose

to see if you would report
back, and you did.

I trust you now.

- You didn't trust me before?

Rosie, I've been with Mayan
for eight years.

- But you're not married,

so you have to keep proving
your loyalty.

If you want the tests to stop,
put a ring on it.

- It's always fun.
No matter where we start,

we always end up
right back here.

So are you mad at the tíasnow?
- Ay, no.

In our family,
chismeis our love language.

If we stop talking crap
about you,

we don't care anymore.

I say stuff, too.

Daisy's amazing husband,
Raymundo--

scam artist.

I think he faked his own death
to get away from her.

- Oh, my.
- Mm-hmm.

And Lily's big-deal doctor
husband works at the morgue.

I think he helped Raymundo
fake his death.

- No!

- Mm-hmm.

And you want to hear
the biggest shock of them all?

Flor doesn't bedazzle
her own visors.

She outsources to Thailand.

- Get out!

I mean, her visors are nice,

but they aren't even
that sparkly, right?

- Don't talk about my family.

- I thought you--
because you said--

Isn't that how you show
that you care?

- Yes, us.

But not you.

Pero...

you can help me talk to them
in my other love language--

revenge.

- Thank God I passed your test.

- [laughs]

- Just coming over
for a feelings check.

Talk to me.
This is a safe space.

- Not for you.

- Let's just be honest
with each other.

I'll go first.

Sometimes I think
about your mom in the shower.

- What?

- Now you admit that
you're jealous of this party.

- No. I'm just annoyed
that my dad has Chance thinking

that every birthday
has to be bigger and better.

So next year he's going
to expect a private party

on a yacht like he's El Chapo.

They're already
the same height.

- I don't buy it.

- Ugh.

And now his big head
is in the bounce house.

Adults aren't allowed in there.

I'm going in.
- Wait.

I don't think it's safe to go
in there with the cake cutter.

- Dad, get out of there.

[pop, air hissing]

- What the hell, Mayan?
You stabbed the bounce house!

I was going to sleep
in here tonight.

- It was an accident!

- I blew it up with my mouth.

- Agh!

Can someone get us
out of here?

- Not yet.
It's still hugging my curves.

- Look what you did.

Now I'll never get
my deposit back.

- That's Mom's deposit.
She paid for it.

- I know.
I was going to keep it.

So what gives, Mayan?

I give Chance a great
birthday party, and you're mad?

It's like you don't want me
to have fun with my grandson.

- Why does he get
that when I never did?

- Oh, so that's what it is.

- I never got to do
a piñata with you

or blow out candles.

I wanted to be spun so hard

that I stuck a pin
in a tía'sbutt.

- So I do everything right,

and you're still throwing
the past in my face.

- No!

Yeah.

It's screwed up.

I mean, you're finally
showing up for him

in ways you never showed up
for me,

and I can't handle it.

And now my kid's birthday
is ruined

because I'm jealous.

- I'll go.
You've hurt her enough.

♪ ♪

- Having fun?
- Claro que sí.

Even though the bounce house
got destroyed,

my ass got stabbed,

and this cake appears
to only have dos leches...

this has been
a beautiful party.

- Oh, thank you.

Well, it's about to get better.

Quinten has offered

to upgrade your phones...
[ladies gasp]

With the latest
top-secret technology

that only white
and Asian people get.

- I knew it!

- Yeah, you'll get reception
in an elevator, on the moon,

the third-floor
parking below TJ Maxx.

- Well, I prefer Marshalls,
but okay.

- Oh, your voice recorder
is on.

You must have accidentally hit
the button earlier.

- Oh, that's okay.

[chuckles]
I'll just delete it.

- Ay, no.

If it's been recording this
whole time, we should keep it.

You know,
as a memory for Chance

so he can listen to the sounds
of his party

and the tíastalking.

Shall we have a listen?

- Oh, no, I don't--
- Ay!

- I'm sorry.

A-a spasm.

I-it's the ghost of Raymundo.

He still like to slap my ass
from the beyond.

Ay! Ay!

Stop it, Ray!

- Really?

You'd rather destroy
a $900 phone

than admit that you called me
a hoochie?

- I don't know what you're
talking about, Rosie.

It was an accident.

Can the Apple genie
fix it for me?

- I don't know.

Let me ask.

- ¿Puedes arreglar
el teléfono?

- Por supuesto que sí.

[ladies gasp]

- El gringo e-speaks e-Spanish?

- Busted!

♪ ♪

- How's our birthday boy?

- He said it's the best banger
he's ever been to.

- It's the only banger
he's ever been to.

But I'll take it.

- About earlier...

I'm sorry about letting
old stuff get in the way.

It's really nice that you did
all that for Chance.

- Well, Mayan, you know,
not all heroes wear capes.

Some wear corduroy slippers
and knee-high white socks.

- The higher the sock,
the downer the fool.

- That's what's up.

So I get why you were upset.

- You do?
- Yeah.

I felt the same way

when my grandma was nice to you
when you were little.

- Really?

- Yeah, I mean, Mayan,

I didn't have any birthday
parties or any gifts.

I mean, my grandma said the
fact that I called her Grandma

and that she fed me was a gift
that I didn't deserve.

So I told her that I thought
calling her Grandma

was a gift
that she didn't deserve.

And she said, "Well, then
call me Doña Pow Pow."

And the rest of
my formative years are blank.

Ay,I got you something.

I got you that puppy
you always wanted.

- Oh, Dad, I--

Wait. This isn't a puppy.

This is a very small,
very old dog.

- Yeah, uh, it was a puppy
when you were 14.

Don't squeeze it too hard

because the filling
will come out like a churro.

That should be
the dog's name, Mayan--Churro.

- I think I get to name
my birthday puppy, thank you.

- What are you going
to name it?

- Churro.

She even smells old.

- No, she got
in my hot dog stash.

♪ ♪

- If I had to say something bad
about my boss,

it would be that she is...

Too nice?

- Ay.
- Is this fool for real?

- I'm sorry, my chismesucks.

- It should come natural.

- Yeah, no need to be out
here doing the "chis-most."

- I see you added some
white diversity to your coven.

Maybe you can sacrifice him
instead of one of the chickens.

[imitates chicken clucking]

- [inhales deeply] Okay.

[speaking Spanish]

Hot dogs.

- Oh, Quinten, you are
un oso chismoso.

- And your Cuban accent
is good.

- It's all in the hands, baby.

- Don't do that.
- Okay.

♪ ♪