04x07 - Dragazines

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "RuPaul's Drag Race". Aired: February 2, 2009 – present.*
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RuPaul plays the role of host, mentor, and head judge for this series, as contestants are given different challenges each week.
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04x07 - Dragazines

Post by bunniefuu »

- Previously on

RuPaul's Drag Race...

the theme for this year's Pride

is hope floats.

[cheers and applause]

- Jiggly is a hot mess.

- Where the f*ck are my

tits?

- Ahoy.

Orange Jigglius.

- Does her snake have one eye

or two?

- I'm giving you maritime

realness with the starship

Willam.

- Milan.

- Her body language is totally

"dude in a dress."

- Willam, condragulations.

You are the winner of this

challenge.

- Jiggly Caliente...

shantay, you stay.

Milan, sashay away.

And tonight...

get out your library cards,

girls.

The library is open.

- You're such a fat slut,

after sex you smoke hams.

[laughter]

- And the dolls go glossy.

- You have to spot me.

- With extra special guest

judges Regina King

and Pam Tillis.

The winner of RuPaul's Drag Race

will receive a lifetime supply

of NYX Cosmetics,

a one-of-a-kind trip courtesy of

alandchuck.travel,

headline Logo's Drag Race tour

featuring Absolut Vodka...

cocktails perfected...

and a cash prize of $100,000.

And may the best woman win.

[tires screeching]

- Cluck, cluck, ladies.

- Where's our hangers?

- Wha-wha!

- Milan's gone, and now it's

down to the lucky seven.

- "Colored girl, why yo base

look like chalk?"

- I loved Milan, you guys.

Milan was a class act.

How did it feel to lip sync

against your mama?

Were you scared?

- No, 'cause I know Milan is

good, but then I know I'm good

too.

- Well...

- Do you think you're gonna

win the show?

- At least...

- That was an awkwardly long

pause.

- Yeah.

- I was at the bottom two

twice, so the girls are just

kinda, like, assuming that

I ain't sh*t.

- You went from a baked potato

to a sweet potato.

- Sweet potatoes have

antioxidants.

- But they're better.

- It's a good fat,

as they say.

- Dumbass b*tches, I'm gonna

fight till the end.

I just wanna see her do what I

did with our without shoes.

- You wanna see me do a split?

- Go ahead, jump into a split.

- I can't jump into a split.

- Thank you, then shut the

f*ck up, bitch.

- Bye, Milan.

We'll see you in New York City.

She as really defensive,

though, a lot.

- It's hard to come here and,

like,

people tell you

that you're not good

at what you've been doing.

- Oh, trust me, I get it.

I think the trick with dealing

with the judging panel

is just get them to tell you

that they have no notes

and that you're perfect.

[laughs]

Yeah, I won.

I was stunned.

I'm like,

"This is the best review

I've ever gotten in my life.

- You had your moment,

and you done had your shine.

Now, can we let it go, girl?

Because, boo-boo,

it's a new week

and a new challenge.

And you're in one week,

and you can slip the next.

No tea, no shade.

- I was f*cking stunned

that they said that.

- Well, they upped

the smoke machine last night,

so they couldn't see your beard

coming through.

[laughter]

[alarm sounds]

- Ooh, girl!

You got shemail.

Extra, extra!

Tweet all about it!

Like a rolling stone, today's

queen on the down low needs to

be a real hustler on time and

always in style.

So start spreading the news,

'cause you're gonna wake up in

a cyber city that never sleeps.

Hello, hello, hello.

[together]

Good morning.

- My legendary children.

In the great tradition of

Paris is Burning...

[deep voice] Get out your

library cards, girls.

- Ooh!

- Yes!

- Because reading is what?

all: Fundamental!

- Oh, God.

- Now for today's mini

challenge, you'll take turns

throwing shade.

Hashtag "thelibraryisopen."



All right, ladies, first up

Dida Ritz.

- I'm gonna try.

I don't know how to really read

that well, so...

does someone smell that?

- What? What is it?

- Oh, that's just

Sharon Needles.

- Oh!

- Jiggly Caliente, you should

feel honored.

The first contestant in

RuPaul's Drag Race history

with child.

- Oh!

- [laughs]

- Latrice Royale,

you're free now.

You don't have to rock the yard

sandals anymore.

[laughter]

- Jiggly Caliente.

Darling, what do you see?

- b*tches.

- Oh-oh.

- Dida, let me start with you,

boo.

- There's lotion in my purse.

You need to use them on your

elbows and your knees.

You look like you've been

driving through flour, baby.

- Oh!

Phi Phi O'Hara,

India called.

She wants her look back,

boo.

- [chuckles]

- Mama Chad, it's called

Forever 21, not Forever 41.

- [laughs]

- Willam, honey, your face

is made out of marble.

sh*t don't move.

- Oh-oh.

Dida, you know,

I always think it's cute

to rock your mother's

two-piece sweater set

on the runway.

Oh-oh.

- Oh, jujubee, you know,

helium's for balloons,

not your stomach.

Oh, and, you know, Willam,

I know you're talented at,

you know, buying shoes,

but are you talented at,

you know, drag?

You know, uh, Sharon, I love how

you rock the party city.

- That's where I got your

Lady Gaga wig.

[laughter]

Phi Phi sucked.

- Dida Ritz, I don't know if

that is hot couture or hot

"coutorn," 'cause there's holes

in that shirt.

There are holes in the garment.

Ooh, Jiggly.

Jiggly, uh, 31...yeah,

there should be 32.

- Ooh.

Phi Phi, you are gorgeous.

You catch the camera's eye

from the right.

But from the left, you snag it.

- Ohh!

Crawlin' out the tar pits with

your relative the saber-tooth.

Visit it while you're in

Los Angeles.

- [laughs]

- Chad Michaels, you so old,

you still on

myspace.Com/chadmichaels.

- I was gonna take that down.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the RuPaul ball.

Tonight in the category

of butch queen, Dida Ritz.

- Oh!

- Jiggly, I love you.

Come to mother dust.

Come here, come to me.

Come to me, I won't hurt you.

Here's my dentist's card.

Use it.

Willam Belli.

Willam Belli loves to live his

life and think that he's

Carrie Bradshaw.

But in the sequel, she'll be

playing Scary Bradshaw.

- Oh-oh.

- Latrice.

Latrice's feet are so big,

she will be starring

in the remake

of the beloved family favorite

Flipper.

[laughter]

- Jiggly Caliente, B.M.W.

Body Made Wrong.

[laughter]

Phi Phi O'Hara, although reading

is fundamental, darling, you

might learn how to spell first,

you illiterate f*ck.

[laughter]

Willam, Miss Industry,

congratulations on your new role

as the big bad wolf by the hair

on your chinny, chin, chin.

- Yeah!

- Yes!

- Sharon Needles, two words...

sideshow freak.

[laughter]

- Dida Ritz, a lot of you girls

like to clock me for painting

my skin on the gray side, but

I was inspired by your knees.

- Oh!

- They're the same color

as Willam's chin.

- Oh-oh-oh!

- Phi Phi O'Hara, what brand

of makeup do you wear?

Sherman Williams?

- Uh-oh, uh-oh.

- That was a weak one.

Latrice Royale, you know,

a lot of us have done

great work in bars.

You've done your best

behind them.

[laughter]

Jiggly Caliente, you're such

a fat slut,

after sex you smoke hams.

[laughter]

- [deep voice] The library is

permanently shut down.

Ooh, no tea, no shade.

And the winner is...

Latrice Royale.

[cheering]

- Yes.

- Condragulations, darling.

- Thank you, Mama.

- My girls.

For this week's main challenge,

I need you to conquer the world

of publishing.

You'll be launching your very

own dragazine.

Oh, pit crew!

As editor-in-chief, you'll each

be assigned a different title.

And then it's up to you to

create a cover, choose the

articles, and really make it

your own.

Now, Latrice, since you won

the mini challenge, you get to

assign the dragazines.

- Oh.

- She's picking

Battle of the Bulge,

health and fitness.

Jiggly Caliente.

Wow.

- Tastes Like Chicken.

For food lovers.

Dida Ritz.

Uh-oh, Sugar Walls.

Now, this is home decor.

Willam, editor-in-chief.

Kitty Cats.

Meow! For cat lovers.

Meow!

Kitty Cats!

[laughter]

- I love p*ssy.

- Yes, who doesn't?

Sashay Away.

Travel.

Phi Phi O'Hara.

- Are you trying to say

something?

- Please do.

[laughter]

- And last but not least,

for fashion, Eleganza goes to...

Chad Michaels,

which leaves What's the T?

Celebrity gossip

for Latrice Royale.

All right, ladies, you are on

a tight deadline,

so get to work.

Gentlemen, start your engines,

and may the best woman win.

- I think what makes this

challenge so hard is we've not

had to do anything like this.

It kinds separates the

intellectual people from

the not-so-intellectual people.

- Jiggly does go right for that

snack bin, honey.

It helps her think, I think.

Crunch, crunch.

"Oh, yeah, I got an idea."

Crunch, crunch.

Health and fitness.

Ha!

- Jiggly.

- [belches]

- Any complaints?

- What the f*ck do I know

about working out?

- I know, right!

- sh*t.

- See, I'm helping you out,

girl.

- Did they say we have to make

these comedy?

- Never hurts.

- You gotta grab your

attention...do like

the headlines that are on your

back to front cover.

- The thing is, like, me and

comedy obviously doesn't mix.

I think I'm just gonna be real

about it.

- I do not suggest you do this

for real.

I'm sorry.

I think you should make it

funny.

Everybody likes to laugh.

That's my advice to you.

- My only advice with that is

that if you feel like you can

get more with the serious route,

I'd rather you have a consistent

magazine that you can follow

by.

- Phi Phi...shady.

- 'Cause if you f*ck up funny,

then it's gonna f*ck up bad.

- Exactly.

For me, it's hard to find

the funny in weight loss.

Hell, no, no.

I'm gonna be serious, and I'm

gonna do this the right way

emotionally.

- He's doing a serious one

for his.

- What?

Are you kidding?

- No.

- His humor is, like,

his strongest thing.

- I know that he's gonna mess

up if he does, like, serious.

So I was like, "No,

you should do serious."

I'm tired of Jiggly.

She doesn't belong here.

Send her ass home.

Did you wanna help pack his

bags?

[laughs maniacally]

Ahh, you stupid bitch.

- Today we get to be

editors-in-chief

of our own dragazine.

- I have Tastes Like Chicken.

- We have to design a cover,

pose for it,

and come up with

eye-catching headlines.

"How to stop over-salting

your food,"

'cause I always hear people

talk about that.

Like, people always salt

their food too much, you know.

I really want to, like, almost

class this up a little bit.

It can easily come off as

offensive.

You know, a black woman on

the cover of a magazine saying...

with a title like that.

- [laughs]

Girl, go on.

- It's like, I don't even like

to really eat chicken in public.

- Girl, really?

- I don't eat watermelon in

public, because people are

ignorant and people make

comments.

- I know, girl, but...

- It's disrespectful and rude.

- 5 Gs, please.

Good God, get a grip, girl.

'Cause it's not that serious.

Really, you're a dude in a wig.

[laughs]

- Latrice, she set you up.

- She set me up.

Latrice was trying

to gook a bitch.

- [laughs]

- Can I please win a challenge?

Hopefully, I could exchange my

mini challenges for a win.

- You should step up your game,

girl.

Win a big one.

- So far in this competition,

I haven't won a main challenge.

Doing graphic and web design,

this is what I do

in my day job,

so if I lose this challenge,

it's gonna make me upset.

Honestly,

I don't want Sugar Walls.

- This is the one I wanted.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Well, I'm glad for you,

but I did not want that.

You're a sarcastic little bitch,

so you'll come up

with something.

- Where there's a Willam,

there's a way.

The only problem I'm having

in the workroom today is,

I just want to tell

the others girls,

"You can stop.

I'm gonna win."

- Hello, hello, hello.

[together]

Hi, Ru.

Hi.

- How are my future media

moguls doing?

- Fabulous.

- Well, well,

busy at work here.

Tastes Like Chicken.

How are you gonna convey Dida

in "Chicken of the Month?

- Well, "Chicken of the Month,"

I mean,

there's so many different ways

you can cook chicken.

- Seriously?

I would've took that whole

chicken thing into

a whole

different direction.

- You can broil it,

you can fry it.

- But how will we know this

is Dida?

- It's me.

Who else would think of

"Chicken of the month"?

I haven't heard Oprah come up

with it yet.

I mean,

you're fascinated by that.

You want to pick up the magazine

and look at it.

- Well...

- "Chicken of the Month" for me.

- Uh-huh, okay.

- I believe in my idea, and if

it makes me have to lip sync

for my life, then so be it.

- Phi Phi O'Hara.

Sashay Away.

So tell me about the cover.

- Well, I'm channeling

the horny gay, like 69 hot spots

for hookups.

- You know, the challenge is

to combine travel and Phi Phi

O'Hara's esthetic.

How are you gonna do that?

- Well, Phi Phi's sexy.

I'm just gonna, you know,

showcase my sexiness.

- This reminds me of when you

told me you were going to make

Lady Gaga really pop.

Do you remember that

conversation?

- She popped;

it might not have been in a

good way,

but she popped.

- All right, get to work.

- All righty, thanks, Ru.

- Sharon Needles.

- Hi.

- Kitty Cat magazine.

Who is this magazine for?

- Well, you know,

I see the cat magazines

at the pet store,

and they're always geared to,

like, grandmas and, like,

sad ladies that never

fell in love and stuff.

So this is more for, like,

Edie Beale,

that, you know, have cats,

because they're cheaper

than boyfriends.

- So, now, what does

Kitty Cats magazine say

about Sharon Needles?

- [meows]

- Now, listen.

I want you to make

your dragazine appeal to me.

Even though I don't have a cat.

I want you to make me want

to get a cat.

- Okay.

- And just knock 'em dead,

kiddo.

- I will.

Thanks a lot.

- Willam.

- Hi.

- Editrix-in-chief of

Sugar Walls magazine.

- I prefer editor-in-queef.

- [laughs]

So now who would you say is your

target audience for Sugar Walls?

- Um...

women.

Men.

- All of the above.

- Uh-huh.

- It's a little broad to just

do men and women.

And, you know, there is

a certain esthetic that you have

that's very clear-cut.

That's what we wanna see in this

magazine.

- Yes, ma'am.

- All right.

Jiggly Caliente.

- Hey, Mama.

- May I call you Jiggly?

- Oh, Mama,

you can call me Jiggly anytime.

- Oh. Battle of the Bulge.

- Yeah.

- Were you insulted by being

assigned that magazine?

- Yes, I've done some bad

things to lose weight.

- Well, what kind of things

have you done?

- I decided to binge and eat

a lot and throw it all up.

And I would say that it's not

the smartest thing to do.

And I just think that when it

comes to weight loss, it's not

a joking matter.

- You've been able to process

what people think of you through

your humor.

I mean, you're Jiggly Caliente.

That's your name.

Embrace the Jiggly.

- I am, I'm...

- Do you hear what I'm saying

to you?

- Yeah.

- You're funny.

Do that.

It's not rocket science.

- I'm going to stick to my g*ns,

because this,

I'm not questioning this.

This is the right way for me.

- Okay, all right.

Well, you got your work cut out

for you, Jiggly.

- Yes, I do.

- Think about it.

Chad Michaels.

- RuPaul.

- Editor-in-chief

of Eleganza dragazine.

- Finally.

- [laughs]

- I've been waiting.

Eleganza magazine is going

to be geared toward drags

and the women who love drags.

Sort of the major is gonna be,

"Dusted or Busted?

The Fashion and Runway Trashin'

of RuPaul's Drag Race: Season 4.

- Oh, so this is an inside look

at some of the fashion

we've seen so far

in this season.

- And the inside scoop.

- I want to know that.

- It's gonna be fantastic.

- I can't wait to see

what the Eleganza woman

is wearing next season.

[roaring]

- I'd like to show you.

Drag cougar, honey.

- [laughs]

Them old girls still have it.

- Yes. All right, kiddo.

See you later.

- Thanks, Ru.

Thank you.

Well, Latrice Royale.

Girl, What's the T?

- What's the T, Ru?

- How are you gonna make your

dragazine something that is

relevant in the 21st century?

- You're gonna wanna buy it

once you see me on the cover

because everyone knows that

Latrice is the true "T".

- Well, the publications at

the grocery have stars on

the cover, and they have star

names in their articles.

- Oh.

So I'm gonna go back to my

research department.

- Yes.

- I'll get it there.

- You get to it.

- Thank you.

- All right, dolls,

gather round.

Tomorrow night is the launch

of your dragazines.

We'll be joined by our extra

special guest judges.

platinum-selling country artist

Pam Tillis will be here.

- Yee-haw!

- Pam Tillis, old-school

country diva, honey.

- And an actress I've loved

since she was a child on 227.

The star TV's Southland,

Regina King will be here.

[cheering]

- I love Regina King.

She's on a show called

Southland.

Oh, wait, I was on a show called

Southland.

- Oh, and one last thing.

Don't f*ck it up.

All right, bye.

- Bye, Ru.

- Hi, gorgeous.

- Hi.

Ooh, hi. How are you?

- Good,

I'm Jonathan Clay Harris.

So what are we doing today?

- Our challenge this week is,

we have to develop our own

dragazine.

So now we're gonna pose for our

fabulous cover.

My magazine

is Tastes Like Chicken.

I want it to be a sexy magazine

but with chicken.

- Yeah, give me some sexy.

Sex appeal with that one.

Oh, my God, chicken?

Chicken?

- Chicken.

- Yeah, work that chicken.

Show me a little hunger

in those eyes.

- What drag queen do you know

that has taken a head sh*t

with chicken?

Chicken!

- And what are you serving

for dinner tonight?

- Look at you.

You look gorgeous.

- Yeah, you too.

- Oh, thank you.

- Have you done p*rn?

- Not recently.

- Well, you should really

consider it.

Thought it would be a genius

idea mounting the cat climber,

channeling my inner kitty cat.

- Just be careful.

- I can trust myself.

- All right, Sharon, I don't

think this is working.

Let's go back.

- God, you don't know anything

about fashion.

Okay, we're gonna just do

chairs.

- There you go.

- Work that hand...

Eleganza.

- I wanted to seem like

a powerful bitchy mogul woman.

- Let's get a little more of

that p*ssy in there.

There you are.

Beautiful, right there.

- I was totally giving

the camera nothing but legs,

and I was giving them pure

c**t face.

- Beautiful.

- I feel sexy in anything,

even a body bag.

- Hello.

How are you?

- Oh, wow.

- So what's your magazine cover

that you're doing today?

- I'm doing, uh...

what was it?

Bulge of...

Battle of the Bulge.

- Battle of the Bulge, okay.

Are those RuPaul's

Iron Fist shoes?

- Yeah, these are RuPaul

Iron Fist shoes.

- Those are amazing.

- Aren't they sickening?

- They're sickening.

- This is the most exercise I'm

gonna get for the rest

of my life.

- Oh, no.

Here we go.

Little k*ll Bill action.

Here we go.

- God, if Phi Phi was just in

front of me, I could've knocked

her ass out for all that sh*t

she be running her mouth with.

Please don't trip me.

- We won't.

- One, two, three.

- Okay, once more, here we go.

[laughs]

- Doesn't matter, as long as

it looks like

it's in the air.

- Let's do it again.

Loosen a little bit.

Just mind your face

when you're jumping.

- Okay, I'm cool.

One, two...

- I just didn't think that

it kind of worked with Jiggly.

She just seemed so completely

uncomfortable with the camera.

- And you have to spot me.

- Point your eyes at me just

for a couple frames.

Gorgeous.

Look at those eyes.

- So my final wardrobe for

the photograph is really kind

of a '40s glam red carpet dress.

I could see someone like

Veronica Lake wearing it to

a movie premiere.

- And what do the goggles say

about your outfit?

- The goggles say,

"she's an adventurer and she's

fashion-forward."

- She looks like it.

- Right now it is important for

me to get out there and give

the judges some variety to be

a little bit less polished,

to be avant-garde.

I think I'm good.

I think we got it.

- I wanna look like...like...

like a hot Miami piece of ass.

Like you wanna visit me.

- Work, here we go.

You look like it to me.

- Good.

- Let's do it.

Miami, honey.

I wanna go for a more sexier

side of Phi Phi, something that

I haven't showed yet, and, you

know, I wanna be, like, a whore

on this magazine and have whore

headlines.

- Let's see some sex

in those eyes.

Here we go.

- I'm throwing you, like,

a Farrah Fawcett sexy look,

and, you know, I had the drink

in my hand.

I'm holding the umbrella.

Hold on, I don't want

my muscles showing.

I gotta look like a woman.

- You wanna look at 'em?

- Yeah, I feel sexy already.

So let's look at 'em.

I'm prettier than the other

girls, aren't I?

You can say it.

- I'm not going to.

- You should.

Delete that one.

That looks like a man.

I look like Sharon in that one.

- Okay.

[laughter]

Ouch.

- Yes, Mama, right there.

Good.

Beautiful.

Boys, I want you touching her.

- So What's the T? is a gossip

column magazine.

Of course I'm featured on the

cover with my boys.

The boys.

Always helps when you have boys.

Come and join me on the couch.

Let's have a ménage a trois.

The boys, of course, is just for

my sheer amusement and pleasure.

Come do something.

Come rub on me.

Let me rub on you.

- Latrice, look at me.

Eyes at me, everyone.

Eyes at me.

Sex in the face.

Look at me.

- I love my boys,

and that's the "T".

- Sex sells, people.

Sex sells.

My overall concept is

stripped-down design.

Mama needs some tape.

Your head is so unprofessional.

- [chuckling]

- I tried to dress the pit crew

as lamps and put lamp shades on

their head, but their heads

aren't even.

And they wouldn't let me put

nails in them.

And remember to flex, boys.

I don't want you looking puny.

[laughter]

No faces, you don't exist.

- Willam was beautiful and

definitely knew her body.

- [laughing]

♪ I'm the prettiest one ♪

♪ Now that Kenya's gone ♪

- I thought she was a little

bitchy.

You guys look amazing.

- Please don't address them.

- Right.

- You can't f*ck me.

[laughs]

I'm gonna fall.

- Good.

Let's take a look at these.

- I'm naked, I'm tan,

and I have boys around me.

I'm happy with the photo sh**t.

All right, now clean this

sh*t up.

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Good morning,

mother cluckers.

- We're back.

- We're back!

- We're back in the workroom

today,

and we're getting ready

to present our magazines on

the runway in our glossy glamour

looks.

- How did your challenge go

for you guys?

- Mine went well.

- I liked mine.

- Well, you have a health and

fitness magazine.

Why would you go serious

on that?

Obviously you were assigned

that magazine to, you know,

ham it up.

[laughter]

- There's more to me than just

being funny and goofy.



I need to show that I have

intelligence.

Girl.

- Latrice, does your family

still live...where are you from

again?

- Atlanta.

- Have you ever been, like,

bullied or whatever by family?

- From my brother, yeah.

He didn't want no punk for

a brother.

- My dad did that in front of,

like,

his f*cking drinking

buddies.

I grew up in a house where

I was b*at and made fun of for

being gay.

It was hell.

Family's supposed to love you

no matter what.

And if that's love,

I don't want it.

- You couldn't hold hands,

kiss, look at each other in

Texas without getting called

a f*gg*t or anything.

- What kills me is that they

wanna say that we're the ones

destroying the institution

of marriage.

Please.

- You know, I've met gay people,

though,

that don't agree with

gay marriage.

- I...okay, here we go.

Since y'all brought it up.

- Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

- I just don't want it to be

called marriage.

For me, marriage describes

a straight relationship.

And I think we should be called

something else.

Call it something more fabulous.

- As a gay man, it's just hard

for me to believe that you don't

want equal rights for yourself.

- I did not say that.

- But if it's all the same

thing as marriage,

why not call it that?

- Because it's not the same

thing to me.

- Yes, it is.

- I will be pissed if Latrice

is gonna be the first one that

gets married too, bitch.

- Hell to the no.

- I fully support gay divorce.

- [laughing]

- [laughing]

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, gorgeous.

- Hey, Ru.

- Welcome to the main stage of

RuPaul's Drag Race.

Michelle Visage, you old tool.

- What you talking 'bout, tool?

- On newsstands everywhere,

it's Santino Rice.

- Lookin' beautiful

as a fresh bruise.

Black and blue.

- Grammy award-winner

Pam Tillis.

I am so excited you're here.

- You are like a song.

I'm telling you.

[trills tongue]

- [laughs]

And Regina King.

Hey, girl, you look like

a cover girl.

- Oh, thank you.

So do you.

You have to show me how you

create the hair blowing without

the fan look.

- [laughs]

This week, our queens went to

the presses to launch a new

dragazine, and now they're ready

to pump up your circulation.

Gentlemen, start your engines,

and may the best woman win.

First up, Sharon Needles in

black and white, editorial.

- She's black and white and

fierce all over.

- This is a glamorous look for

Sharon Needles.

- It is.

- I'm feeling like

the Tim Burton

vintage sci-fi glamazon.

I feel stunning.

- Her booty looks awesome

in that dress.

- Yes, thanks, DuPont.

Very Valley of the Dolls.

- I was thinking

Jackie Collins.

- Kind of like a possessed

Jackie Collins.

- Yes, yes.

Up next, Dida Ritz.

- Not just a cr*cker.

- No.

- What'd you call me?

- I love the little "S" walk.

- Yes, it's a strategic walk

so a sn*per can't get her.

[laughter]

- I'm serving you

editor-in-chief realness.

Old Hollywood glamour.

I feel sexy.

- Tastes like chicken.

Looks like fish.

- Uh-uh.

- Chad Michaels.

Rock and roll.

- Lita Ford.

- Pat Benatar.

- Tonight I'm wearing something

more dangerous.

My paint is much darker

than usual.

I'm loving my short hair.

I'm feeling fantastic.

- g*ns & a*mo magazine.

Cover of Rolling Stone.

- Where is her Stratocaster?

- Yes.

- It's hidden.

- Latrice Royale.

Ebony magazine.

- Foldout.

- Yes, honey, this is

a two-page spread.

- I walk out giving my Gothy

glam, very Nubian princess,

lots of jewels and cleavage,

and I feel gorgeous.

- She makes glamour look

real simple.

- I love the jewels down the

back.

- Yes, gorgeous.

- Like a character from

The Wiz.

- Uh-huh.

- Up next, Willam.

Red carpet ready.

- Kylie Minogue.

- Kylie min-yes.

- Just the whole body, jeez.

- Uh-huh.

- I feel confident

on the runway.

I'm just giving them cute girl,

fish salad realness with a side

of Teddy.

- Hollywood starlet.

- Back action and everything.

- I want a lifetime

subscription.

- Jiggly Caliente.

- Venus de Brooklyn.

- Build me up, buttercup.

- Uh-huh.

- I want the judges to take it

all in, catch it.

Look at all the Swarovskis.

I want them to try to count how

many Swarovski there are on

this gown.

I look like a f*cking

lemon drop.

A blinging lemon drop.

- That's a pretty dress.

- It is gorgeous.

I love me a train.

- Mm.

I'm gonna leave that alone.

- Phi Phi O'Hara.

- Ooh.

- Wow.

Serving body and turquoise.

- I love the proportion.

- Yeah.

- Love all that leg.

Beautiful.

- Go on and take

the center stage.

- Walking down the runway,

I'm feeling super sexy and

flirty, and I'm just having

a good time out there.

It's a fishy outfit,

I look really pretty in it.

I look glamorous.

- This is the best Phi Phi

has ever looked.

Very Cosmo girl.

No Photoshop necessary.

Hello, dolls.

Let's find out whose dragazines

are fresh and fabulous, and

whose are just conde nasty.

Up first, Chad Michaels.

Eleganza.

- Yes.

- I wanted to take the theme

of Eleganza, which was style,

and gear it toward drag cougars

and the women who love them.

- I didn't know what type of

magazine it was.

It's just all over the place.

- It looks like something that

you would pick up for free at

the grocery store.

You look beautiful tonight.

Love the one-shoulder.

You look great in black.

- You guys challenged me to

dirty it up a little bit,

and I feel fantastic.

- I love that Chad thinks

this is dirty.

I guess it is for Chad.

- All right, up next,

Dida Ritz.

Tastes Like Chicken.

- Yeah, that's what they say.

- I wanted to add a little bit

of, you know, glamour to it,

and my inspiration was really

the type of women you see on

the Food Network.

- I saw "stop."

It kind of is at odds with your

fun look and your fun colors,

and then this negative message.

- I like black hair on you.

It looks very pretty.

Just next time think more

volume.

I keep telling you more volume.

It's all about the silhouette.

- All right, next up,

Sharon Needles.

Kitty Cats.

Meow.

- I wanted to create a hip cat

magazine for, like, young

hipsters that love cats.

- Oh, you nasty bitch.

You...oh, my God, I love

the headlines.

I just wanna read it.

I wanna know how many is too

many.

- Well, I'm talking about cats.

You're a pervert.

- Oh, I know, I know,

I know.

But the eyes scare me.

- They're my trademark.

- But everything else is just

so pretty and elegant.

It, like, creeps me out.

- I am still waiting to see

full-on glam, no eyes,

no Goth Sharon Needles.

Just once.

I don't think you'll lose you.

- Next up, Latrice Royale.

What's the T?

- If my magazine was on the

newsstand, if you're not picking

it up for me, you're definitely

gonna pick it up for the hot

boys that are lusting after me,

so...

- I sort of expected your

magazine to be like, "Shh!"

- It looks like the name of the

magazine is "Hollywood."

It looks more like a club flyer.

- You don't need the pit crew

boys on there at all.

It really looks like you got

some hookers somewhere.

- This gown that you came out

in, it's like, ugh,

that's so heavy.

It looks like a couch from

Rent-A-Center.

- I think there's a little too

much jewelry; I don't know.

- Oh, Lord, Jesus.

- Showgirls.

[laughter]

- Oh, oh.

- Oh.

My bracelet breaks.

Oh, f*ck.

In front of everybody.

- But already that looks

better.

It does.

- Next up, Willam.

Sugar Walls.

- I love home design, and I

made one of the pillows

on the cover.

I'm a power bottom like that.

- I love what you look like

tonight, but in the beard area,

we see the shadow again tonight.

- Touch this.

Touch all of this.

- I'm trying to help because

you're the only one that has it.

So it really hits hard when it's

out there.

- Your dragazine cover is

possibly the worst one.

I hate the font.

- Me too.

- Okay.

- This looks like a p*rn thing

about to happen.

I'm getting anything but

decorating from this.

- Yeah, I wouldn't have hired

myself to be that designer.

I love the ideas that I had.

I wish I had more time to

execute them and a better staff.

- See, my career I've had to do

every single part of

show business.

You know, edit, produce,

you name it.

And that's what we're really

looking for.

Next up, Jiggly Caliente.

May I call you Jiggly?

- No.

- [laughs]

Battle of the Bulge.

- I found the funny, and I

found the silly humor in it.

Battle of the Bulge,

ya, ya, ya!

- I think with Battle of the

Bulge you could have really

taken it anywhere.

- Yeah, because when we spoke

in the workroom, I was going on

and on about you should approach

it with more humor.

- I chose to play with words

instead of the humor because

I don't know anything about

fitness.

What the hell would I write

about, how to eat a pound

of chicken?

- Exactly, that's funny.

- Oh, damn.

[laughter]

- Next up, Phi Phi O'Hara.

You got Sashay Away,

the travel dragazine.

Wow, va-va-voom.

- This is the best I've ever

seen you look so far.

- Yeah, all the proportions

are right.

Cute little outfit.

Your makeup looks lovely.

- Thank you.

- What happened?

[laughing]

- You look gorgeous on

the cover.

The color makes me wanna go

wherever you are.

This looks like an actual

magazine.

- You picked all the key words

to highlight.

Bathhouse, 69, virginity.

I would read this inside

and out.

- All right, ladies, while you

enjoy an Absolut cocktail in

the Interior Illusions Lounge,

the judges and I will

deliberate.

All right, just between us

girls, what do you think?

Chad Michaels.

- The runway really made up for

the look that's on the cover

of Eleganza magazine,

which is horrible.

- And it's just not modern

or hip.

- If you're looking for hip,

young, and trendy, you ain't

gonna find it in Chad Michaels.

- Dida Ritz.

- I'm just kind of thinking

she's somewhere in the middle

today.

She was cute on the cover.

- I never equate fabulous drag

queens and cute.

- Right.

- I wanna be devastated.

- She comes out like a straight

line with these big football

player shoulders with flat hair.

She's a pretty girl, but it

seems like we're getting stuck

here a little bit with Dida.

- All right, let's move on to

Sharon Needles.

- I really like her sense of

comedy.

There's something really cool

about her.

- Yeah, her dragazine,

very funny, tongue in cheek.

And it looks like it reeks of

cat piss in there.

- I did like her dragazine.

- Do I think it's the best?

No.

- Latrice Royale.

- The dragazine cover was like

Sydney Biddle Barrows, you know?

It was like a madam's calling

card.

- Willam and Sugar Walls

dragazine.

- She totally missed the mark,

and I really feel like this was

probably one of the easiest

ones to do.

And there's something about her

on stage that's a bit robotic.

It's like she stood there with

the same exact smile.

It was kind of creepy.

I kept, like, looking over to

see, all right, okay, 20 minutes

has passed by, and she was

still...

- Yeah, that don't move.

- She's got a major attitude,

and I like that, though.

Good news, bad news.

Good news, she's a diva.

Bad news, she's a diva.

- Jiggly Caliente and

Battle of the Bulge.

- You know, Jiggly seems to be

some sort of self-sabotage.

- Yes.

- Maybe she doesn't feel like

she deserves to be here.

- Right.

- And if you don't believe it,

nobody else will.

- Moving on to Phi Phi O'Hara

and Sashay Away magazine.

This looked like the most

professional magazine of

the whole bunch.

- It did, but as we're going

through all of these I'm

wondering did it look like

the most professional because

everything else was so bad?

- [laughs]

- I had a problem with the fact

that she wore

a blonde cap with

blonde hair.

She looked like she had a dead

baby lamb on her head.

- And who wants that?

- Nobody.

- Sharon Needles.

- There'd be blood coming out.

- Silence!

I've made my decision.

Bring back my girls.

Welcome back, ladies.

Based on your dragazines and

your presentations on the main

stage, I've made some decisions.

[suspenseful music]

Phi Phi O'Hara, your travel

dragazine was a real trip.

And we're excited that you keep

taking us to new places.

You are the winner of this

week's challenge.

[applause]

- Ah, thank God.

- You've won a cruise to

the Bahamas courtesy of

alandchuck.travel.

- Oh, man.

[laughs]

Oh, finally.

This is my first win, and I'm

really excited because it's nice

to know that my hard work has

paid off.

Those girls better watch out.

- Sharon Needles, you're safe.

Dida Ritz...

you're safe.

- Thank you.

- Chad Michaels.

- Yes, ma'am?

- This week the judges were not

gagging on your Eleganza.

You...

are safe.

- [exhales]

Thank you.

- Jiggly Caliente, once again

you left us hungry for more.

I'm sorry, my dear, but you are

up for elimination.

- Again?

Seriously?

That's just straight-up jank.

- Latrice Royale...

you're safe.

Willam, I'm sorry, my dear,

but you are up for elimination.

- When Ru tells me about being

in the bottom two,

I feel shaken,

and it's a little scary.

- Two queens stand before me.

Prior to tonight you were asked

to prepare a lip sync

performance of Mi Vida Loca

by Pam Tillis.

Ladies, this is your last chance

to impress me and save yourself

from elimination.

The time has come for you to

lip sync...for your life.

- I'm gonna fight till the end.

No way I'm gonna let this skinny

Botox bitch send my ass home.

- Good luck and don't f*ck

it up.

- ♪ If you're coming with me ♪

♪ You need nerves of steel ♪

♪ 'Cause I take corners ♪

♪ On two wheels ♪

♪ Well it's a never-ending ♪

♪ Circus ride ♪

♪ The faint of heart ♪

♪ Need not apply ♪

♪ Mi vida loca ♪

♪ Over and over ♪

♪ Destiny turns on a dime ♪

- I mean, I hate to say it,

but I think Willam did good.

She looked very much a young

country pop star.

- ♪ Welcome to my crazy life ♪

♪ ♪

- God damn, you couldn't give

me a Lil' Kim song?

- I really, really wished

I had panties on.

But I didn't think I'd have

to lip sync.

- ♪ Mi vida loca ♪

- Jiggly is pretty much

standing in one spot.

Not good.

- ♪ Over and over ♪

♪ Welcome to my crazy life ♪

♪ ♪

[applause]

- Bravo.

- Ladies,

I've made my decision.

Willam...

shantay, you stay.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

And I'll always try to do

my best.

If I fall short, I'm sorry.

- Jiggly Caliente,

may I call you Jiggly?

- Yes.

- Good, because after your time

here, you'll be on a first-name

basis with millions of fans.

Now, sashay away.

- Thank you so much.

I love you.

Deuces.

- [laughs]

- I'm disappointed, but I know

my mom would be so proud of me.

I f*cking fought my way.

And it just didn't happen.

But life goes on.

It's all good.

- My sensational six.

The race to become America's

next drag superstar is still

wide open.

Now remember, if you can't love

yourself how in the hell are you

gonna love somebody else?

Can I get an amen up in here?

all: Amen.

- All right,

now let the music play.
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