01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Court-mandated therapy.

The family that sold their kids at the flea
market didn't get court-mandated therapy.

Good afternoon. I'm dr. Peters.

Dr. Peters, we are not crazy.

We don't actually use
the term "crazy" anymore.

Though I don't know
why. It does say it all.

Well, I just hate to waste your
time. We're really a nice, normal family.

That's all they ever send
me... Nice, normal families.

My husband and I are
separated right now,

And there was a slight
disagreement at the custody hearing.

Uh, the judge used
the word "brawl."

- Dr. Hart...
- Please, call me brock.

Brock.

The record says you
assaulted the bailiff.

Uh, no, no. That was cheyenne.

She was really the one whalin' on him.
I tell ya... My girl can throw a punch.

- Well, they were trying
to throw van out.
- And van is...

Cheyenne's boyfriend.
He's the star

Quarterback on the high
school football team.

Cornerback.

Is that important right now?

Well, one's offense, one's
defense. It's pretty important.

He's taking us all the way
to state. Go, wildcats. [Growls]

Brock's the assistant coach
for the team. Easy, wildcat.

And you must be jake? Here.

You bit the court reporter?

I didn't think
anybody was looking.

Well, they were.

Okay, why don't we begin with
the custody arrangements?

- Oh, I want to live with dad.
- I want to stay with mom.

Is boot camp an option?

Cheyenne, m-my
condo's too small.

Well, not for two people. Look. I
can cook a-and take care of you.

Please, dad? [Groans]

All right. That's enough. We're gonna
end this right here and right now,

Without lawyers and without
court-appointed therapists.

No offense. Hey, I
get paid either way.

It's time you move back home...

And handle this midlife
crisis the way other men do.

So buy a red corvette.
Take up bungee jumping.

Pierce something. Whatever
it takes. I don't care.

Reba, barbra jean and
I are getting married.

What? Oh, no.

You're not stupid enough to
throw away a 20-year marriage...

Over a dental hygienist
with two first names.

We should discuss this later. No,
we're gonna discuss it right now.

Reba, I have to marry her.

Oh, please. "Have to"?

The only reason you'd have to
marry her is if you'd gone off and...

- Oh, my god.
- What?

- Here we go.
- Oh, my god.

- Daddy, how could you?
- What?
- Barbra jean's pregnant!

I thought cheyenne was pregnant.

Wha... Shut up, jake!

- Back off. He's just a stupid kid.
- I'm not stupid.

She left the pregnancy
test in the trash can.

- Oh, my god!
- I'm gonna k*ll you!

No, no, no! [Shouting]

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

How could this happen?

I don't know. How do
these things ever happen?

Two people work together,
the x-ray room was dark...

I was talking to them!

We had the sex talk.
I drew pictures...

With blue and pink arrows!

- We thought you could only
get pregnant one day a month.
- [Both] what?

Yeah, so you could have
sex, like, 30 times in a month...

And only get
pregnant once, right?

The only reason you're alive
is 'cause you can play football.

You can get pregnant the first time
you have sex, most days of the month,

Standing up, sitting down,
and in a hotel hot tub.

And what about safe
sex? Condoms? Disease?

- We don't have
to worry about that.
- [Both] why not?

Because it was the
first time, for both of us.

[Chuckles] cheyenne!

That's what embarrasses
you in this situation?

- You know, at least
we're in love.
- Oh, please.

How can you say that?
You were the one who

Told me not to have
sex unless I was in love.

- Well, what'd you
tell her that for?
- Oh, gee, I don't know.

I guess I had this crazy idea that
if two people loved each other...

And one put the other through dental
school, they'd stay together forever!

Again with the dental
school. That was 25 years ago.

You know, barbra jean
never mentions dental school.

She wasn't alive then!

Can you both
just... Just stop it?

Ugh!

Van, have you told your parents?

About what?

Oh! Oh, about that. No.

Well, go home and tell 'em.
I'm sure they'd like to know.

we'll get together in the morning
and figure this whole thing out.

Sorry, coach. Shake it
off. Big game saturday.

[Mouths words]

So, when daddy marries barbra jean,
what am I supposed to call her, anyway?

You're not supposed
to call her anything.

When you see her at the
wal-mart, just point to her and say,

"There's the woman
that stole my daddy."

Can I ask you something?

I knew this was
gonna happen. Okay.

Honey, I know this has been very confusing
for you, so ask me anything you want.

Can bret come over
and play on saturday?

Have I mentioned
you're my favorite?

Of course he can. Now, go get ready
for bed, and I'll come tuck you in later.

Kyra, the pictures,
the arrows...

They were clear, weren't they?

You don't have to worry about me,
mom. I know all about birth control.

Oh, you do, do you?

Well, at what age is it appropriate for
a young lady to become sexually active?

Forty.

Have I mentioned
you're my favorite?

Honey, you have to eat. Mom,
this is my fourth sandwich.

Cheyenne, we have
to talk about this.

Look, I know. I just... I'm
really tired right now.

I think I just need to be alone. Do
you think we could talk tomorrow?

Sure. Sure.

Thanks.

Van?

- yeah?
- ohh!

Get outta there!

why is it we're the only
house in texas without a g*n?

My parents kicked me out.

I told them everything and they said
they didn't want anything to do with me...

Or cheyenne or the baby.

But I don't feel that way. I
want to do the right thing.

At what point was hiding
under the bed the right thing?

- When I realized
the ladder fell down.
- Look, we were just talking.

It's not like we jump into bed and
do it every time we see each other.

I can vouch for
that. Look, look.

I love your daughter.

And I'm not staying away, no
matter what you or my parents say.

I was gonna do this in private,
but I don't care anymore.

Oh, no, not the knee thing.

Cheyenne, will you marry me?

- Oh, my god.
- Now,

I know this is just an earring, but
I'm gonna get you a real ring someday.

My grandmother
can't live forever.

I'm not far behind her.

[knocking] brock?

No, barbra jean.

- You're gonna be a grandma!
- You're gonna marry a grandpa.

I know. I can't wait.

Oh, I am so glad that
we can still be friends.

You know, I was afraid that the baby
might change the way you feel about me.

No, I feel the same way
about you as I always have.

Oh, I just feel like
giving you a great big hug.

Fight it.

Reba, what is this? Cheyenne
is not gettin' married!

I'm not gonna stand by and let my
daughter throw her life away for that punk.

You love that punk. I... Do not.

You watch him play football every
weekend just like he's your own son.

Sometimes I think you like
him more than your own son.

She is not gettin' married. I
have to agree with brock here.

Two wrongs don't make a
right in the eyes of our lord.

Barbra jean.

At your church, do you sit with
the rest of the congregation,

Or is there a special
pew for adulterers?

Well, actually, I
sit with the choir.

B.j., Would you mind... B.j.?

Yes, it's short for... I
know what it's short for.

Barbra jean, don't you have
some instruments to sterilize?

No. Yes. Yes.

Good luck with that.

Thanks.

Look, they're too
young to get married.

I mean, they have no money, and
where in the world are they gonna live?

With me. Where else?

At least that way they'll have a
chance of finishing high school.

Look. I've been up all night long
discussing their options with them.

They've made up their mind. If we
try to stop them, they'll just elope.

Unbelievable. And we've set the
wedding date for saturday at the house.

- Just family and a few friends.
- Wha... You want witnesses?

I mean, isn't this where we send her
off to visit a "friend" for nine months?

Hey, just because
she's pregnant and 17...

Doesn't mean we can't give our
little girl a nice, tasteful wedding.

Do you hear yourself?

I can't believe that you want to
celebrate this... Embarrassment!

Well, what are you
and b.j. Planning?

I don't know.
Something with doves.

Oh, but that's different!

Ceremony's at 3:00.
Bring ice. I'm not coming.

- See you saturday. Wear your blue suit.
- It's not gonna happen.

Lots of ice.

- Hi.
- Hi, sweetie.

You know, you can
wear this too someday.

Divorce and a teen
pregnancy. Some track record.

I'm trying to decide
on the hors d'oeuvres.

Oysters on the half
shell or king crab claws?

I don't think anyone's gonna leave
this wedding talking about the food.

We got the tuxes. Orange
with white cummerbunds.

- Go, wildcats!
- What?

Gotcha! Got her! I
usually don't get people.

Oh, mom, have you talked
to dad? Is he coming?

- He's coming.
- Are you sure he's okay
with all this?

He's delighted.
He's bringing the ice.

You ready to try
on my wedding dress?

Actually, I was gonna
talk to you about that.

I was out shopping, and I
found this incredible dress.

Isn't it perfect?

But you always said you
wanted to wear my wedding dress.

I know, but that's when I thought
I'd be old when I got married.

This one's just more
me. And so practical.

Just add some elastic, and in nine
months you can wear it to the prom.

So what are you saying? You don't
want to wear my wedding dress?

Well, yours is... It's just so
traditional. And I really like this one.

Well, you can wear yours
underneath mine. Tell you what.

I'm gonna go hang it in your room
and you can think about it, okay?

Okay. So I talked to my parents.

They're not coming. But
I did get us a honeymoon.

Three nights at my uncle's
beach house in galveston.

He just said not to
open up the cellar.

Oh! We're gonna miss school. Can you write
us a permission slip for our honeymoon?

Oh, good lord.

"Honeymoon" and "permission
slip" all in the same sentence.

Getting married is so much fun. We
should have done this junior year.

- [Giggles]
- no, you were smart to wait.

- Mom?
- Oh, my little girl's
getting married.

You sure you don't want
to wear my wedding dress?

Look, where's dad?
Why isn't he here yet?

He'll be here. Are you sure?

- I'm sure.
- Here are your flowers, mrs. H.

- Right here.
- Oh, cheyenne, you look hot!

Whoo! I told you it was
better without a bra.

Are you aware I'm her mother?

Uh, our first
guests have arrived.

Oh, bret! I'm sorry. Jake
can't come out and play today.

But you said he could come over.

My mom said to tell you
I throw up if I eat olives.

- Then don't eat any.
- He already did.

Go get a bucket and
follow him around.

Better yet, go call his mother.
See if she can bring some ice.

- Ice? I thought dad
was bringing the ice.
- Backup ice.

Oh, I just knew it. My own
father isn't coming to my wedding.

Fine. I'm not going
to his. Cheyenne!

[bell dings] oh.

- [phone ringing]
- oh. Hello?

Go tend to her! No prob, mom.

Yes, the wedding's still
on. Uh-huh. Kyra, please help.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, we're
looking forward to it.

Use the potholders. Yes.

Uh-huh. Ooh!

Sure!

Oh, damn, damn, damn!

Oh, no, no. Not you, reverend.

Sure. Yeah, there's an open bar.

Uh-huh. Bye, bye.

Damn! They're ruined!
Much like our lives?

Kyra eleanor hart, out!

Bye. Ohh!

[Frustrated grunt]

[Sighs]

Ice is here.

Hey.

Come on.

Ohh.

There she is! The
mother of the bride!

You were only
supposed to bring the ice!

[cheyenne] get out! Get out!

- hold on. Would you please... - Get out!
- ow! You hurt my hair!

get out! [Cries out]
what's going on?

Oh! The wedding's off! I never want
to see him again! Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

I can't believe you're
jealous of a game.

I cannot believe that you care
more about football than me.

I never said that. I
love you both the same.

Oh!

But you more. Way more.

Will somebody please tell
me what the hell is going on?

Oh, brock, "heck," please.

- He's gonna play tonight.
- What?

Mm-hmm. He's gonna spend our
wedding night at a football game.

Coach said he's gonna throw
me off the team if I miss the game.

- I can't believe he can't
excuse you just this once.
- Well, I'm really good.

Brock, you're an assistant coach.
Can't you get him excused just one game?

He's really good.

It's their honeymoon! What
the hell's wrong with you?

"Heck." [Both] shut up!

Look, why can't y'all go on
your honeymoon after the game?

- That's what I told her!
- Oh!

- oh!
- the cake!

[All shouting]

Die, jockstrap!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

This is a wedding!
You're ruining it!

You've ruined everything.

We were supposed
to grow old together!

[knocking]

How did this happen?

I'm a senior. I'm... I'm
cocaptain of the drill team.

I should be practicing the new kick-line
routine for tonight's halftime show,

Not getting married
and having a baby.

I am so off the drill team.

I'm so out of the junior league.

Sorry. Oh, that's all right.

I'd have been out as soon as they got
wind of the court-mandated therapy.

A pregnant teenage daughter
was just the icing on the cake.

I guess your life is ruined too.

Get up.

What? Mom...

Tell me what you see.

I'll tell you what I
see. A couple of losers.

Mom...

Well, what do you call two people who are
going to mourn the rest of their lives...

'Cause things didn't turn
out the way they planned?

Losers.

Time for you and
me to face reality.

You're gonna have to schedule
your life around football,

And I'm gonna have to
learn how to get my own ice.

Honey, what your father
and I once had is over.

He's not coming back.

And barbra jean is not gonna
drown in a giant vat of crisco oil.

Mama's got a dark side. Yeah.

So what are we gonna
do now? Plot a new course.

Just because things are different
don't mean they have to be bad.

I'm scared.

Good, because nothing
is as frightening...

Or as wonderful as
becoming a mother.

Do you think van and I
have a shot at making it?

It's gonna be hard.

I will never understand why he
likes football so much anyway.

Aw, see?

You're sounding like a
married woman already.

Now, shall we have a wedding?

Yeah.

I can fix that real easy.

Actually, I thought
it might be nice to have

Some tradition at
this wedding after all.

Think it might be all right if I wore
your wedding dress? I'd love that.

But you gotta wear a bra.

Okay. Hey, mom? What?

I hate barbra jean's dress.

Have I told you
you're my favorite?

♪ when your troubles
knock you down ♪

♪ pick yourself up off
the ground and walk on ♪

♪ walk on ♪

Okay, let's get a photo
of the whole family.

♪ walk on, walk on ♪

Don't worry about the honeymoon,
mrs. H. I packed lots of condoms.

♪ walk on, walk on ♪

♪ nothing ever stays
wrong that long ♪

♪ and walk on ♪♪