01x05 - The Steaks Are High

[bunniefuu]

[Tape ripping] [muffled cry]

[Screaming]

Ready? [Both] okay!

[Both reciting cheer] you're player
of the week and we're here to say...

that you are being
kidnapped, so you better obey.

We love the way you tackle.
We love the way you block!

So come on and...
What's going on?

Mom, you hold 'em down, and
I'll whack 'em with the mallet.

It's marci and luanne.
They're on the drill team.

Mom, you hold 'em down, and
I'll whack 'em with the mallet.

It's okay. They're just
doing the kidnap breakfast.

How did you get into my
house? Coach hart has a key.

Not anymore, he doesn't.

Luanne, why wasn't
I told about this?

I mean, don't you think if
there's anyone who can get...

Van fired up for a game,
it's me? [Muffled chuckle]

- What are you smiling about?
- [Muffled, indistinct]

Well, you're not on
drill team anymore.

And you haven't showed up
for the last few spirit meetings,

So we figured you didn't want
to do stuff like this anymore.

Hello! I'm pregnant. I'm
throwing up at 7:00 a.m.

Well, you're welcome
to come with us.

We made van the wildcat
breakfast... Bacon, sausage and ham,

All scrambled up in eggs
and swimming in salsa!

Ugh! Did you have to say salsa?

- [Muffled, indistinct] - don't
worry. I'll take care of her.

Let's go!

It's 5:00 a.m. Somebody
oughta whack me with a mallet.

♪♪ [country]

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands and
the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

[marci, luanne] uhh! Ungawa!
Van has got the power!

Okay! Well, thanks for
breakfast! I'll see you all at school.

go, van!

So, looks like being a football player
makes you pretty popular with the girls.

Yeah, they'll do
anything for you.

That's how cheyenne
and I got together.

Oh, that's so nice to hear.

Oh, so you're back. How
was your little breakfast?

Oh, come on, you're not mad,
are you? I had to go. It's tradition.

- Well, it's a stupid tradition.
- Cheyenne, how can you say that?

You're a pepette.
You took the oath.

Don't you remember last year, when
you broke into my house to kidnap me?

Yeah. Remember?

After you tied me up, you told the
other girls to go warm up the car?

Y-y-yeah! Yeah.

Good lord! What
exactly was in that oath?

Hey, uh, mrs. H, I
got a little problem.

See, the player of
the week... That's me!

So I heard. "Ungawa!"

Anyway, his parents
are supposed to throw...

A pregame steak
dinner for the team.

But since my folks hate me, I was kind of
wondering if you wouldn't mind doing it.

Gee, van, I've never been to
one of those dinners before.

Brock used to tell me
about 'em, but... [Chuckles]

I'm pretty sure I don't want a
busload of hungry football players...

- Invadin' my livin' room.
- Oh, no. Please, mom?

It'd be great to have it here. Come
on. You've fed the drill team before.

Yeah! Forty
weight-conscious girls!

You almost ate
me out of carrots.

I'll even help you.

i knew it was a lot to ask,
but I don't have anyone else.

And everyone knows you're
the "awesomest" cook ever!

I guess I can just tell them that
maybe somebody with parents can do it.

Oh, all right. I guess I am the
mother of a football player now.

Awww, thanks,
mom! You're the best!

Boy, he sure makes
it hard to say no.

Tell me about it. [Laughs]

- Hey there!
- I thought I had your key.

- Aw, this is b.j.'S.
- It's just for emergencies.

In case of an emergency, you
keep her away from my house.

So, if you'll excuse me, I have
to go dig a pit in the backyard,

So I can grill 60 steaks at
one time. That's why we're here.

We're about to
do you a big favor.

We're going to
introduce you to the bible.

A couple of nice young boys came
by earlier and told me all about it.

Not that bible. This bible.

"The westchester wildcat
pregame steak dinner bible."

- Oh, you got to be kiddin'.
- This is football, reba.

There's no kiddin'.

This was created in '79, and honed
and perfected for over a decade.

Now, before every home game the wildcats
gather and feast upon this winning formula.

"Linemen must never sit
at the same table as backs.

"Offensive players must face the
east, defense the west." [Mouthing words]

This is crazy!

Look. Why don't you
just let b.j. Do the dinner?

She thrives on
this kind of thing.

I do! I really do!

Hold on. I never said I
wasn't gonna do the dinner.

Though I think a steak dinner bible that's
bigger than the real bible is a bit much.

See, yeah-huh, that's what I'm talking
about. This isn't your cup of tea.

You know, you've never really
been a diehard football fan.

Hey, I'm a fan! Do you have a
wildcat tattoo on your fanny?

Really? [Offhanded groan]

It's very tasteful.
[Mouths words]

Let's just let b.j.
Handle the dinner.

Oh, no. I'm not letting b.j.
Handle anything else of mine.

I told van I was gonna do this,
and that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

So, thanks for the
fellowship and the bible study,

But if you'll excuse me, I
have to go find a compass,

So I can figure out
which way to aim my tables.

All right. But one
word of advice...

- [kyra] steaks?
- charcoal grilled
and individually branded...

With each player's number.

- Cute. Corn?
- Shucked by hand,
soaked in butter...

And served with
football corn-holders.

You're scarin' me.

Hey, I don't have to have a wildcat
on my fanny to prove I've got spirit.

Okay! [Nervous chuckle]

Iced tea?

Sweetened with molasses
and stirred by jake.

- That's enough stirring, buddy.
- I'm not stirring. I dropped my gum.

Hi. oh, there you are.
Did you get everything?

The potato salad was
easy. Finding a coconut

Shaped like coach's
head took a while.

Hey, the bible calls for
ed's famous potato salad.

This is gerland's. Oh! I must
have grabbed the wrong one.

You were probably excited
about finding the coconut.

No, I should've never cut
through the baby aisle.

I just stood there for five minutes
looking at all that stuff a baby needs.

By the time I got to the potato
salad, my head was spinning.

I'll go back. There's
not enough time.

But, mom, it has to
be ed's. It's a tradition.

You just dump it in here,

And now... It's ed's.

I think we just
witnessed a miracle.

Thanks, mom. [doorbell rings]

- [Gasps] they're here!
- You get the bible,

You finish up on the
potato salad and you...

Keep lookin' for that gum.

Okay, championship pennants.

Wine goblet filled with dirt
from the opposing team's field.

Stuffed wildcat
in attack position.

Poor fella.

Okay, wait, hold on.
Before you open the door,

Should I be standing here, or should
I go upstairs and make an entrance?

Why don't we just rig a
trapeze and you fly in?

Too showy. I'll
make an entrance.

Hey, reba. Holy moly! This
place looks incredible!

You sound surprised. All right,
barbra jean. Go ahead and check around.

Here's the bible. Oh, I
don't need the bible.

I got it memorized...
Both of them.

Okay. If we're ready,

Coach harrell will lead the way
and tell you how pretty you look.

Then the rest of the team
enters, and they kiss the hostess.

Here we go.

Hey, reba. Whoo-whee!

Don't you look pretty tonight!

Thanks, coach harrell. We
gonna have a good dinner tonight?

Well, I hope so. I said, are we
gonna have a good dinner tonight?

Yes, sir, coach! All right
then. Let's bring it on!

[Together] go wildcats!

Ohh, everything
looks really great!

Thanks. Hey, I'm a
football mom now.

Come on, montgomery.
Quit hogging the hostess.

Yeah, move it, montgomery. I
gotta whole football team to kiss!

Uh, attention everybody.

I'd just like to take a moment to thank
our hostess for doing such a super job.

and I think that we should
dedicate tonight's game to reba.

[All chanting] reba!
Reba! Reba! Reba! Reba!

Thank you. It's
been my pleasure.

You know, it's not every day a girl gets
to kiss every guy on the football team.

She obviously doesn't
know maria cartwright.

And now, if everyone will join hands and
bow your heads, barbra jean will say grace.

Barbra jean? All
right. All right.

Dear gracious lord, thank you for the
wonderful food we are about to receive.

Tonight, we ask your
favor once again,

As we do battle in your name
against our archrival, shadowdale.

help us play our best, o lord,

Especially late in the game, when we have
a tendency to come up short on third down.

- Amen.
- Amen!

All right, everybody
dig in! Okay!

Time for the wildcat
cheer! Oh-h*. Hey!

Hey, cheyenne! Why
don't you join us?

Oh, me? Well, I'm not
officially a pepette anymore.

Oh, come on, cheyenne.
Everybody wants to see you cheer.

- Yeah! It'll be like old times.
- Well, I don't know, you guys.

I mean, I don't
have my uniform on,

and I hardly
remember the routine.

But if everybody wants
me to. All right! [Chuckles]

Hey cheyenne, why
don't you "ready-okay" us.

Oh, my god. Thanks, luanne.

Ready? Okay!

We're going to rock 'em and sock
'em and knock 'em till they drop.

'cause the westchester
wildcats are the cream of the crop.

Whooo!

[players whooping]

Oh, mom. Thank you for
having this dinner tonight.

I'm gonna go put on my
uniform, and I'm gonna

Go sit with marci and
luanne at the game.

It's like I'm back.
[Giggles] you sure are.

- Ohh.
- We need more gravy!

Already? Jimmy
thought it was soup.

Reba, I just have to tell you.

You have done an absolutely
wonderful job tonight.

You know, it feels to me like
we're really sharing something.

- You mean, besides my husband?
- [Giggling]

I'm so glad we can
joke about that now.

- [b.j. Gasping]
- what?

[Gasps] oh, no, no, no, no, no!

barbra jean. Now, calm
down. no, no, no, no!

No! You got the
wrong potato salad.

- Let's not panic.
- You poisoned the team!

Potato salad is potato salad!

Oh, no, it's not. No, it's
not. Now we're gonna lose!

Barbra jean. Hand me the bucket.

Everybody's havin'
a nice little dinner.

Let's just keep this
between the two of us.

Okay. Okay, w-w-j-d...
What would jesus do?

Hey, where's that gravy?

Reba got the wrong potato salad.

We're gonna lose!
We're gonna lose!

Apparently, jesus
would've ratted me out.

[b.j.] What are we gonna
do? What are we gonna do?

Oh, come on, y'all. Let's not
blow this out of proportion.

It was perfectly good potato
salad. You all ate it! [Groans]

Hey, coach. If I barf up the potato salad,
do we still have a chance of winnin'?

I don't think so, son. But
I like your spirit. [Sighs]

I'm sorry, bobby.
I blame myself.

- I never should've let
reba do the dinner.
- No, it's my fault!

I'm the one with no parents.

No. Actually, it wasn't
mom's fault at all...

I'm sorry. I made
a mistake. [Chuckles]

Let's focus on the
big picture here.

What is potato salad,
anyway, but a silly side dish?

Well, this might seem silly
to you, but it's not to us.

Ninety percent of the
game of football is mental.

And you just flushed that 90
percent right down the crapper.

Coach, you're not
buying into this, are ya?

Hello? Coach?

Uh-uh. No. No!

Because this is a team that always
gives a hundred and fifty percent.

And a hundred and fifty minus that 90
percent that just went down the crapper,

That leaves
approximately 60 percent.

And that's almost half.
We're still in this people!

Yes, we're still
in it! Come on, y'all.

The reason you win games isn't
because of the food you eat.

Although, you really shouldn't eat
such a heavy meal before the game.

but that's beside the point.

The reason the wildcats are so
good is not because of what's in here.

It's because of what's in here!

Breasts!

No! Heart!

That's what wins football games!

All right! Now, you all
heard the little lady.

Let's hit the road!
We got a game to play!

Go, wildcats! Go! Go! Go,
wildcats! Yeah! Come on now!

Yes! Yes!

Thanks, coach. I
appreciate it. You k*lled us.

[mock gasp] what are we gonna
do? What are we gonna do?

mom, who are you talking to?

Myself. Nobody
else will listen to me.

- Why aren't you at the game?
- I'm having a little trouble
getting my uniform on.

- Can you zip me?
- Oh, sure.

Okay. All right. Breathe in.

I tried that.

Honey, I'm sorry. This train just
ain't gonna make it up the track.

Who am I kidding?

It doesn't fit.
Nothing fits anymore.

I'm trying so hard to be the
old me, but, let's face it, I'm not.

Oh, baby. You know when
you want something so badly,

And then once you get it, you wonder
why you wanted it in the first place?

Yeah, that's pretty much how I'm feelin'
about throwing the wildcat dinner.

You know, I used to live for the
drill team and kidnap breakfasts.

I'm having a baby
now. [Ironic chuckle]

I know this may sound weird, but it
makes all that other stuff seem so silly.

Yep, that's pretty weird.

But, you know, we all
have to grow up sometime.

You're just having to
grow up a little sooner.

The curse of the
potato salad lives. What?

I just heard the wildcats are losing by


Wait, the team found out
about the potato salad?

Everybody must hate me. Actually,
it wasn't your name they mentioned.

Better start thinking
about moving, mom.

Oh, for crying out
loud. It's a side dish!

Wait a minute. But it was my fault. Why
didn't you tell them that I did it, mom?

It doesn't matter who did it. You can't
lose a game because of the potato salad!

Not according to
the radio announcer.

I cannot let you
take the rap for this.

You wouldn't have had this stupid
dinner if it hadn't been for van and me.

I'm gonna go talk to the team.

Cheyenne, your bra is showing.

Yeah, well, I need something
to get their attention.

- 24-Zip.
- Coach, please don't make us
go back out there.

Now, I'm not gonna put up
with that kind of an attitude. I...

Aww, hell.

Let's just try to keep
'em under 50 points.

Uh, cheyenne, you're not
supposed to be in here.

Well, I'm sorry. What I
have to say cannot wait.

Look, everybody, listen up.

God, it stinks in here.

There's been a mistake. My mom
did not buy the wrong potato salad.

I did.

So, you shouldn't be mad at
her. You should be mad at me.

[crowd cheering in distance]

Okay, that's all
I wanted to say.

Thanks for coming down, hon.

Wait a minute.

My wife may have
made a horrible,

Horrible mistake, but...

She came down here and
took responsibility for it.

Now, that took guts! And she's been
puking her guts out, so she knows guts.

Now, why are we losin'?
Because of what we ate...

Or because we're lousy?

Or are we lousy
because of what we ate?

I don't know. Thank you.

Okay. Come on, boys. We
got a ball game to lose.

All right! Did someone order
ed's famous potato salad?

Come on. You eat
this, you win the game.

The bible tells me so.

You heard the lady! Let's go!

[Players whooping, yelling]

Nice play, reba.

I came down here to rescue
you, and you ended up rescuing me.

That's what moms do.

Hey, how'd you get ed's
potato salad so fast?

Shhh.

[Chuckling] [laughing]
you're bad!

[Gleeful shouting] yahoo!

What a comeback! Boys, wildcat
history was made tonight.

And I won 50 bucks.

Honey, you were amazing tonight.

Hey, guys! Great
game! That was exciting!

[Cackling]

[Sighs]

[Sucks teeth] reba, I have done
you a terrible, terrible wrong.

Could you possibly find it
in your heart to forgive me?

Never.

Oh, you mean about the
potato salad? Oh, sure!

Now, who wants a kiss?

[Grunting] [giggling]