01x10 - When Good Credit Goes Bad

[bunniefuu]

Oh, it feels so good to
be out shopping again.

Do you know how long it's been since I've
been in a store without a produce section?

Girlfriend, don't look now,

But there's a guy been starin'
at you ever since we sat down.

Really? What's he look like?

Blue eyes, hard body. But I
cannot tell if that's his real hair.

Oh! You!

What? We've gotta ease you
back into the dating scene.

Well, he is kinda cute.

And I won't have to worry
about him running off.

Here you go. Oh, let me get it.

No, no, no. I had the steak.

You only had salad, show-off.

This is my treat. The
divorce is final next month.

He got custody of the mastercard,
I got the visa. There you go.

Oh, you know what? Let's
come back on saturday.

The cosmetic department's
giving a free makeover.

Oh, that sounds great. I been
wantin' to change my look.

I'm thinking... Halle berry.

I can see that.

I'm sorry, ma'am.
Your card's been...

[Whispers] declined.

- What? - [Whispers] declined.

- Here, just use mine.
- No, no, no. There must be a mistake.

Are you sure you did it right?
I ran it through four times.

- Reba, let me.
- No! No, this is my treat.

I know I've got some
money in here somewhere.

[Mutters] no.

[Continues muttering]

Oh. [Chuckles]

I don't suppose you'd take oak
elementary carnival dollars, would ya?

♪♪ [country]

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands and
the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Four thousand dollars
for a diamond tiara?

Look, it's pretty obvious...

My credit card number's
been stolen by a thief.

Or a princess.

Yeah, you'd better cancel
my credit card account.

Fine, I'll hold.

Mom, are we poor?

No, honey, there's just been
a mix-up with my credit card.

Most children living in
poverty are from broken homes.

I'm just saying
we fit the profile.

Yes, I'm still here.

No. No!

No, I didn't make any
of those purchases.

Okay, thanks.

[Chuckles]

What kind of a sick person
would buy a diamond tiara,

Foxy lady lingerie,

And then go on a
$175 shopping spree...

At the joy for jesus bookstore?

[Together] barbra jean!

That does it.

She can have my husband, but
nobody touches my credit cards.

Hey, mom. Where you going?

To your father's condo
to strangle a princess.

Have fun.

[Phone rings] hello?

It's the principal for mom.

Uh-oh. See? Someone was looking.

[Clears throat]

[Imitating reba] yes, this is
cheyenne's mom. Can I help you?

You're not mom.

Oh! Oh.

Oh, you're kyra's principal.

Mm-hmm. She wasn't
in school today?

[Chuckles] well, of
course I knew that.

That's because she was sick as a dog
today. I must've plumb forgot to call.

Everything's been
so crazy around here,

What with all
the... The bakin' I do.

Okay.

Bye now.

You skipped school today?

I never knew you had
it in you. What did you

Do, get a tattoo, or
pierce something, or what?

I ditched and went to the downtown
library. Maya angelou was there.

And do I know this maya?

Are you gonna tell mom?

Don't worry. I'm too cool to rat
out someone for skipping school.

But next time at
least go to the mall.

Thanks. I owe you one.

Yeah. Now wait.

Skipping school is wrong.

- Oh, come on. You two have done it.
- And look where it's gotten us.

Van!

We're about to be
parents. This is no joke.

A year from now it could
be our child skipping school.

We should use this opportunity
to practice our parenting.

Good idea.

And if we screw
up, it's just her.

Okay. I'm not gonna
be your guinea pig.

Would you rather
be mom's guinea pig?

This bites.

Okay, we need to come
up with a punishment.

- My dad used to take away my
driving privileges for a week.
- I think that's fair.

Van, kyra's not gonna
drive for four years.

Four years? Oh,
that seems harsh.

Okay, I think...

That you should
go clean our room.

What? No way.

Oh. All right, then.

Maybe I'll have a
little talk with mom.

I hate you both.

Thank you.

We're gonna be great parents.

[knocking]

Reba, hi.

We need to talk about my visa.

Uh, now? I'm kinda in
the middle of something.

So was i... A nice
afternoon with my friend,

Until my visa was rejected...

Because your mistress went
on a shopping spree with my card!

Do you have any idea how
embarrassing that was?

Oh, hi, reba!

We were just thinkin' about you.

Please don't do that anymore.

Look, I'm sorry
about the mix-up.

I obviously handed b.j. The
wrong credit card. It's no big deal.

It's no big deal that she
spent $4,000 on a diamond tiara?

F...

It was on sale!

Besides, if I'm gonna
wear the plain white suit...

Instead of a real wedding dress,

I have to have somethin' to
make me feel like a real bride.

Oh, yes! The
traditional bride's tiara.

Reba,

I feel like this is my fault.

[Whispers] so do i. oh.

You know, I'm... I'm so sorry
about the credit card.

Everything has
just been so crazy,

What with the wedding
being in two weeks.

- You're planning on
getting married in two weeks?
- [Squeals] yes!

Uh... [Chuckles]

Barbra jean, uh, could
you give us a moment?

Sure.

Two weeks?

Well, see, see this dental
convention came up in st. Thomas,

And I just figured we could get
married there without all the hassles.

And the best part is,

The whole thing is a huge...

Tax write-off.

Brock, our divorce is not
final for another month.

Now, I realize the
rules of marriage...

Have always been a
little shaky for you,

But you can't be married to
two women at the same time.

They even made a law about it!

Well, actually, I wanted
to talk to you about that.

See, my lawyer explained that
there's this form that you can sign...

That allows b.j. And me to get married
before our divorce is technically final.

You want me to sign a
permission slip for bigamy?

You make it sound all wrong.

It is wrong! You haven't
even told the kids!

When I booked this trip, I thought
our divorce would be final.

And I didn't want to upset you.

Oh, findin' out this
way is so much better.

Come on, reba. You knew barbra
jean and I were gettin' married.

I can come over this weekend
so you can sign the form.

Please? It'd really help me out.

I'm tired of helping you out.

If you wanna get married, you're
gonna have to wait for your divorce,

Just like the rest of
the cheatin' husbands.

It's not your birthday, it's not
valentine's day, and I see flowers.

Some man done you wrong.

Brock's tryin' to butter me up to sign
that quickie divorce paper this afternoon.

Well, he can send you
all the roses in texas.

You stand firm. He
deserves to suffer.

Are those brownies?

Help yourself.

It's not that I'm tryin' to make brock
suffer. It's the principle of the thing.

Why should I make
it any easier for him?

Mmm. You're damn straight.

Do you have any idea where
brock and I spent our honeymoon?

Two nights in lubbock on
the way to dental school.

Sucks bein' the
first wife, doesn't it?

Let's forget about brock
and go get our free makeovers.

oh! Why are you doin' laundry?

I don't remember threatening
to cut off your allowance.

My clothes got dirty. Uh-huh.

And since when are you
suitin' up for the wildcats?

Well, i, uh...

I didn't wanna waste water, so I just
threw in some of van and cheyenne's stuff.

Okay. Why are you
jumping all over me?

Can't I just help out
around the house?

Did cheyenne say
something to you? No.

Well, okay.

You buyin' that?
not for a minute.

But when laundry's gettin'
done, I don't ask many questions.

Got it. Got it.

Ooh!

[Gasps] oh!

I just love these little
angels with the sayings.

Kinda like god's
fortune cookies.

Do you gift wrap?

Does jesus love
the little children?

I'm not really supposed
to be buying anything.

I'm only at the mall
to return my tiara.

It was for my wedding.

But we decided it would
overshadow my hair.

Oh! When's the joyous day?

It was supposed
to be in two weeks,

But his wife is
having some issues.

Oh, dear.

what?

This card was reported stolen.

Well, there must
be some mistake.

I-i'm sure that's it.

[Chuckling]

Security? We have a sinner.

No...

Mm-hmm.

So now we know why
the makeovers are free.

My last car didn't have
this much paint on it.

Hello again, ladies. [Chuckles]

Who's picking up the
check today? Not me, I hope.

[Sarcastic laugh]

[Beep] hello.

Reba? [Voice squeaking]
you're kidding.

No. [Continues squeaking]

Okay. All right. Stop
cryin'. I'll be there.

[Squeaks]

[Chuckles] you're not
gonna believe this.

Barbra jean's in jail.

What'd she do, steal
somebody else's husband?

No, it's mall jail.

She tried to use brock's credit
card again, the one I reported stolen.

Go, reba!

I didn't do it on purpose.

I say leave her.

A night in the slammer'll
serve her right.

Nah, I can't just
let her stay there.

Course, it does seem a
shame to rush through lunch.

Are you ready to order?

Sure. Is the soft shell crab in
season? Not for another month.

That's fine. We'll wait.

Here you go. "Skipping
school is bad," ten times.

Boy, was that hard.

That-a-girl. Huh?

What's going on here?

Well, kyra raised a
valid point that doing

Our chores doesn't
really teach her a lesson.

So she came up
with this other idea.

Mmm. And you
caved just like that.

Is this how it's gonna
be with our baby?

You're the good guy,
and I'm the big, mean mama?

Um, do we have
to discuss this...

In front of the "c-h-l-i-d"?

Well, I'm not the one who went behind
my back and changed the punishment.

Well, my punishment was better.

Well, I don't think so. I do!

You know what? Forget it. I'm not
doing anything else for you freaks.

Oh! Oh, yes, you
will, little missy.

As long as you are in our
house, you will live by our rules.

It's not your house, it's mom's.

And I'd rather be punished by her
than you, so I'm turning myself in.

You guys are the worst
parents in the world.

I just... I don't know what
to do with her anymore.

Hey, she's at that age.

[Gasps] reba!

oh, praise the lord! I'm saved!

Relax. There's no death
penalty at the mall.

Then again, this is texas.

Reba, I don't know if it's
the fluorescent lighting...

Or because I been alone
in here so long, but...

You look beautiful.

Yes.

That's it. I'm hosin' this stuff
off before I leave the building.

What happened? Oh.

I was arrested in the
gift shop of our lord.

God is good.

I was buyin' this for you.

I wanted to say I'm sorry for
all the problems I've caused.

This little angel's
for all that?

Reba...

I have a confession to make.

I'm glad you told brock you
wouldn't sign those papers.

I never really wanted to get
married in the virgin islands.

Too ironic for ya?

It was brock's idea.

He's been pushin' to run away
someplace and get it over with.

Good ol' brock.

It's not that i need
a fancy weddin'.

I just want one,

In a church...

Surrounded by
family and friends,

Our union blessed by god.

Reception to follow
at catfish john's.

That's every
little girl's dream.

Instead, I'm knocked
up, locked up...

And lookin' at three-to-life.

[Sobbing]

Ohh, please forgive me! Aah!
Don't do this, barbra jean.

[Stifling sobs] barbra jean.

Your wedding... [Snorting]

May not turn out the way
any of us have dreamed.

You probably won't get to wear a
tiara or get struck by lightnin', but...

As long as your wedding expresses
who you are, it'll be very special.

You think so?

Oh, what do I know? No!

I like what you said.

Oh, reba, thank you.

You don't know
what this means to me.

You may find this
hard to believe, but...

I don't have a lot of friends.

Any chance you'd be
my matron of honor?

Guard!

[cheyenne] all right, here
comes mom. [Car door closes]

[car alarm chirps] this is your
last chance to cut a deal.

You give me your c.d.
Player, and we'll call it even.

Hey.

Mom, I skipped
school on tuesday.

Nice knowin' ya.

I took the bus to the
downtown library.

It was the wrong thing
to do, and I'm sorry.

Well, I'm disappointed
in what you did,

But I appreciate you being honest
with me, so I'm gonna let it slide.

But if this ever happens
again, young lady,

There are gonna be some
serious consequences.

I understand. Thanks, mom. Mmm.

That's it? "I'm
gonna let it slide"?

Look, this isn't fair. You never
let me get away with anything.

You gotta be kiddin'.

We were just practicing
for when we become parents.

I mean, discipline is important.

Well, what kind of discipline
would you recommend...

For two 17-year-olds taking
advantage of their little sister?

You could let it slide.

I could, but what kind
of parent would I be?

My favorite.

- Hey, reba.
- Hey, brock.

I brought you somethin'.

Brock, stop with the bribes.

Just... Just open it.

[Sighs]

[Gasps] oh, look! It's my tiara!

It's all yours. I really am
sorry about the screwup.

Thanks. So where is the form?

- I'll sign it.
- What?

You can get
married in st. Thomas.

You actually made me feel sorry
for barbra jean, and that ain't easy.

Actually, we're not
going to st. Thomas.

- No, I just wanted to
thank you for helping b.j.
- Oh, that's all right.

I enjoyed seein' her in jail.

The reason I wanted to rush the
wedding wasn't for the tax break.

The truth is, I know how embarrassing
this whole thing has been for you,

And i... I just figured that a big to-do
here in town would make things worse.

Go on.

But when b.j. Told
me what you said...

About the wedding
expressing who she is,

I canceled the trip.

- You did?
- Yeah.

We'll wait until
the divorce is final,

And then we can have
the wedding that b.j.'S

Always dreamed of
right here in houston.

Wait a minute.

Because of me, you're
gonna have this big

Wedding here in houston
with all our friends?

Well, of course we'll
want all the kids there too.

I realize the whole thing about
matron of honor was ridiculous,

But we do need someone to sing.

[Chuckles]

I don't think you'd
like the song I'd pick.