01x12 - A Mid-Semester Night's Dream

[bunniefuu]

Man, I had the weirdest dream
about the baby last night.

Oh, was it a boy or a girl?

Oh, it was a boy. A goat boy.

Half goat, half boy.

- [Laughs] gross.
- Do you think it means
something?

Well, we'd all know where
the goat half came from.

I want a goat boy!

Would everybody please stop
talking about my baby that way?

Remember last night when I felt him
move and we both thought it was an elbow?

Yeah. What if it was a hoof?

Honey, we are not
having a goat boy.

But even if we were, I'd still
love him 'cause he would be ours.

[Bleats] that's not funny.

Okay, thank you so much.

So, what are the cool kids
at school wearin' these days?

Usually what I'm wearing.
Well, without the elastic.

Well, I hope this'll do,
'cause your mother...

Just got called for her first
substitute teaching assignment.

Oh, please say you're
not gonna be at my school.

No, actually I'm at
van and cheyenne's.

Oh, then
congratulations. Thanks.

Wait a minute. You're gonna
be teaching at my high school?

I didn't know you were a
teacher. You seem so nice.

That's how I put brock
through dental school.

I always planned to go back
after you kids got a little older.

Mom, do you have any
concept of the unlimited

Embarrassment this
is gonna cause me?

[Chuckles] wait a minute.

you walk around
your school pregnant,

And my being there
is an embarrassment?

Yes. [Laughing]

♪♪ [country]

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands and
the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

I appreciate you coming in on
such short notice, mrs. Hart.

Isn't it ironic how
just a few months ago...

I was trying to force your daughter out
of our school, and now I need your help.

Ain't that a kick?

Well, this is your
classroom here.

Thanks. I'm really excited
to get back to teaching.

I've always loved
to help kids learn.

Oh, don't expect
to teach anything.

Being a substitute is
just glorified babysitting.

If you can keep your students from tearing
up the furniture, you've done your job.

Well, have a good day. And
don't let anybody get pregnant.

[Sarcastic snickering]

- [Cheyenne giggles]
- [mrs. Hodge] uh-uh.

Hey, you guys. Hey,
mr. And mrs. Montgomery.

So do you guys
want a boy or a girl?

It doesn't matter,
as long as it's human.

Oh, there it goes again.
Put your hand here.

I felt it! It's so weird!

All right. This is a
school, not a petting zoo.

Why would you say petting zoo?

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I'm substituting today
for mr. Swanson.

- Hey, me and eric
are in your first period.
- Eric and i.

- Oh, god.
- Hey, look at that!

I already taught you something,
and class hasn't even started.

This is so humiliating.

What are you talking
about? Your mom is so great.

Yeah, but did you
see those shoes?

[school bell ringing]

good morning, class.
My name is mrs. Hart.

Drop the paper, turn off the tv,

And you in the
red hat, sit down.

- How'd you do that?
- A teacher never reveals
her secrets.

I'm gonna figure you out.

Good luck.

Now, it says here you've
been reading romeo and juliet.

Our teacher doesn't make us
read. He just let us watch the movie.

- Is that right, chuck?
- How'd you know my name?

I told you. I've got
special powers.

And it's written
on your backpack.

Look, it's been a while since
I've been in the classroom.

But trust me, I
know all the tricks.

There's not a trick that's ever been
done that I haven't seen or done myself.

If you want to go out...

[All laughing]

Okay, that's a new one.

Up. Up. Up!

Dad, how come harry
potter can do it, but I can't?

I don't know, son.

Wouldn't you rather play with a football
or one of my golf clubs instead of a broom?

Hey, the teacher's home.

- Hey, reba.
- What are you doing here?

Well, what are you doing taking
a job without consulting me?

I'm sorry. Aren't we
getting a divorce?

I gotta tell you... I
don't like the idea...

Of turning our children
into latchkey kids.

- I smell your influence here.
- It was "latchkey"
that gave it away, wasn't it?

Mm-hmm. Well, I'm glad
that kyra called me.

I think this is something
we oughta discuss.

Hey, doesn't anyone
wanna ask how my day was?

How was your day, mom?
Oh, thank you very much.

well, I started my day off
sittin' in a booby-trapped chair.

Then some genius stuffed paper
in the heater, which started a fire.

And then two of my
students in my last class...

Went to the bathroom,
never came back.

Why in the world would you
wanna put yourself through that?

I love it, and it challenges me.

And you know what? I'd forgotten
how good of a teacher I was.

Well, that's great, reba. I
sure would feel better...

If there was someone
here at home with the kids.

Oh, brock, kyra's more than capable
of watching jake for an hour and a half.

But if it still worries you, you can close
your office early on the days that I work.

Well, I might just do that.

Except on tuesdays. I have golf.

And on fridays... I have golf.

But call me if you need anything,
kids. You know my schedule.

I thought so.

Eric, heads up.

hey, guys. hey, mrs. H.

You should hear the good
buzz you got going at school.

Oh, you know how I
thrive on good buzz.

Now? Yeah.

So, everybody, we wanted
you to be the first to know.

Eric and I are getting married!

- Oh, my god! You're pregnant?
- What?

No. We're in love.
Just like you and van.

- [Gasps]
- are you sure
you're not pregnant?

Oh, yeah, we're sure.

We were gonna wait till after graduation
to get married, but we figured, why not?

Congratulations!

Oh, it's gonna be so cool having
another married couple at school.

Yeah. Why don't you
just start a club?

Kids, this is crazy.

Have you talked to
your parents about this?

Well, no. We were afraid they
weren't gonna be as cool as you are.

I mean, how did cheyenne
and van tell you?

My seven-year-old son
found the pregnancy test.

You should've seen
how cool I was then.

Look, mom totally freaked at
first, but then she came around.

I am so excited for you guys.

Cheyenne, van, can I speak
to y'all in the living room?

Yeah. Stay single
until I get back.

What are you doin'?

You know it's a bad idea for
those two to get married.

I know. It's crazy. She's
not even pregnant.

So? They're in love. I think it's cute
that another couple wants to be like us.

Cute? Bunny slippers are cute.

You are married,
pregnant teenagers.

You're not supposed
to be role models.

[Scoffs] can we help it if
people wanna be like us?

Yes! Those two are your friends.

We gotta go in there and show
them how tough marriage really is.

That's gonna be really hard.

Guys, you do know that this
isn't for everyone, don't you?

Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Then put on a sad
face and get back in there.

Aw, isn't that sweet. Quit it!

- I'm sorry.
- Have a seat.

Cheyenne and van would like to
talk to you about your decision.

We might make being
married look easy.

But you know what? It isn't.

It really, really... Isn't.

Well said, van.

Yeah, and it may be
fun a lot of the time,

But there are some
times that it is...

It is... Whoo... It
is not fun at all.

Whoo! Not fun
at all. They get it.

I don't think they do.

The chances of a teen marriage
surviving is next to nothing.

the chances of any marriage
making it is less than 50%.

Yeah, look at my mom.

But right now we're
talking about them.

But, mrs. Hart, look at cheyenne
and van. They're so happy.

Look, I know their life
looks like love and kisses.

but there's a lot you
don't see. Cheyenne?

Uh, yeah. Like, um,
well, like space.

When you're dating, you
wanna be together all the time,

But when you're married, you
really miss time to yourself.

I feel like he's
crowding me all the time.

I'm crowding you?

And that's the worst part.
He doesn't even know it.

Well, maybe you feel crowded...

Because you're looking
at the same face every day...

And realizing you never got to
shop around and date other people.

Oh, so you wish you'd
dated other people?

Yeah. Yeah, I've thought about
it, in between crowding you!

This is the time you're
gonna be going to college.

That's when you meet new people,
go to parties, choose a career.

Why would you want
to tie yourself down...

To a marriage and possibly kids?

Yeah. Why?

If your love is as strong
as you say it is, it'll wait.

Why do you wanna
rush into a marriage?

Come on. You can tell
me. Remember? I'm cool.

To be honest, we're ready to take
the next step in our relationship.

- You mean sex?
- [Together] yes!

Oh, come on! That's not
a good enough reason.

Marriage is a huge
responsibility...

That you just don't jump
into because of hormones.

Well, now I don't know
what we should do.

Yeah, i-i guess we should
talk about it some more.

Now you're bein' smart.

If cheyenne weren't pregnant,
there's no way I'd let her get married.

Thanks, mrs. Hart.
You're welcome. See ya.

Whew! We dodged a b*llet there.

You guys were wonderful.

Good job. Yeah, you too.

Is there any more milk?

Nope. Great.

I'm sorry. Maybe you could go to the
store and shop around for some more.

Oh, are you trying to get me out of
the house so you can have more space?

Oh, stop it. I just said that to keep eric
and marissa from making a huge mistake.

- Oh. Like we did?
- Yeah.

You know, why tie
themselves down?

Now marissa can go to the
college that she wants to,

Whether they have a
football team or not.

And eric can accept a
scholarship to notre dame,

No matter what their
married housing is like.

And marissa can spend her junior year
in france like she's always dreamed of.

- Great. And van...
- Hmm?

I mean, eric...

Can join a fraternity and do
a lot of really stupid stuff.

If that's how you feel, why did
you marry me in the first place?

Excuse me for wanting
to do the right thing.

Maybe it wasn't the right
thing. You didn't have to say yes.

I'm sorry. I didn't know
any better. I was young.

"My lips, two blushing
pilgrims, ready stand...

To smooth the rough
touch with a gentle kiss."

Now, chuck, what do you
think romeo was asking here?

I guess he's telling
her he wants to kiss her.

But I don't know what
pilgrims have to do with it.

It's just more of a
poetic way of asking.

Ms. Hart, poetry might
have worked back then,

But today a dude needs a car.

Actually, that's not true.

Try a little poetry
and a nice pair of tights,

And you won't believe
the attention you'll get.

Excuse me. Mrs. Hart, I
need to speak with you.

- Now?
- Now.

Oooh! All right.
Continue your reading.

And remember, I can
see through walls.

What's going on?

Juliet's about to take her
dirt nap, as chuck would say.

Your services are
no longer required.

We're hiring another
substitute. Why?

Marissa devin's
mother just phoned me.

She told me that
she walked in on her

Daughter about to
have sex with eric rovner.

[chuck] oh, man! So close.

Quiet, hooligans!

Imagine mrs. Devin's surprise...

To find out that it
was all your idea.

- What?
- You didn't counsel them
to have sex?

No, I told them they didn't have
to get married just to have sex.

Oh, that didn't sound right.

See, they wanted to get married, so
they could be like van and cheyenne.

That sounded worse.

But I made it clear that
teenagers should not get married.

- They should have sex instead.
- No. I would have never
said that.

- They misunderstood me.
- Mrs. Hart, it is bad enough...

That you allow your daughter to
go around flaunting her big mistake.

But it is not okay for you to suggest
that others follow in her footsteps.

They came to me
asking for advice.

What was I supposed to say?

The policy of this school
is that sex doesn't exist.

How's that working for you?

I'm sorry. I've
made my decision.

So I'm losing my job because
two kids almost had sex?

You're being replaced because
you put the idea in their heads.

To have sex? It's in every
teenager's head in america!

And most of them
don't even know me.

Teachers have to be role models.

They can't go around
promoting this type of behavior.

I'm not promoting anything.

By allowing married
teenagers to live...

And have sex in
your house, you are.

Oh, good. Reba.

I'm glad you're here. You know,

I've been doing a lot of
thinking about this job thing.

I overreacted. I support
you going back to work.

And whatever I can
do to help... I got fired.

Ah, well.

How did my life get
so twisted around?

One day everything's
goin' just fine,

And the next day I'm a poster mom
for teen marriage and teen sex.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened?

I gave some advice, and
it was misunderstood.

Two of cheyenne's friends
want to get married...

Because van and cheyenne
make it look so fun.

That's ridiculous. Everybody
knows marriage isn't fun.

Have I made it too easy
for van and cheyenne?

I mean, let's face it. They
got it pretty darn good.

I gave them a nice wedding.

They have food on the
table, warm beds to sleep in...

Together.

I can see where it would
look appealing to a lot of kids.

What were you supposed to
do? Throw 'em out in the street?

His folks did. You wanted to.

No, I said send her away.

Look, every family has
to make their own decision.

There's no one right answer. Now,
you did what you thought was best.

And you know what?
It was a brave decision.

You took them in, and you've let
them live as normal a life as possible.

Well, at least they're
gonna finish high school.

Even if I'm not.

You are there
for them every day,

And I don't know that I've
ever thanked you for that.

No, you haven't. Go ahead.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I never meant to
be a role model.

Hey, you know what? I think
you're a pretty darn good one.

Hey, it's a work day.
Shouldn't you be playin' golf?

Well, I thought it was more important
to come over here and talk to you.

And it's ladies'
day at the club.

Whatcha doin' out here?

Mom, if you knew van and
I weren't gonna make it,

Why would you let us get
married in the first place?

If I'd have said no, would
you have listened to me?

- Don't I always?
- Huh.

Well, the condom speech
certainly didn't take.

All right. We probably
would have eloped anyway.

And I'd be living in a trailer
somewhere, barefoot and pregnant.

[Laughs] oh, honey, it
wouldn't have been that bad.

We both know you'd have
found a way to buy shoes.

Cheyenne, we all know that the
odds aren't great for you and van.

But I never said
you can't make it.

You know what? I thought if
we loved each other enough,

Everything else would
take care of itself.

Well, the good news is...

You have a better
chance of making it...

As long as you understand
how hard it is going in.

Hey.

Hey.

Got milk.

- Do you wanna marry me?
- Huh?

You heard me.

Knowing what we know now,
would you still marry me?

Would you still marry me?

Yeah.

Do you, van, take
me to be your wife,

Even if you didn't get a
chance to shop around?

I do. And do you,
cheyenne, take me,

Even though I'm taking away your
privacy and you can't go to france?

I do.

And do you take me, even if
I give birth to the goat boy?

[Bleats] ye-e-eah.

I now pronounce
you husband and wife.

[Giggles]

[reba] if you have any more
questions about sex, you come to me.

No, mom. I think you
covered everything.

[reba] next!