02x01 - House Rules

[bunniefuu]

Morning, sexy.

[Grunts]

What in the heck do
you think you're doing?

Well, right now I'm wondering
why we chose this color grout.

You can't come in here
and just attack me like that!

Close the curtain. I
can still see the view.

What's gotten into
you? You used to love it

When I kissed you. Yeah,
when we were married.

- We are married.
- What?

Hey, we're gonna go to the
mall. There's a sale on shoes.

I'm going 'cause I'm in love.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's
gonna be watching elizabeth?

- I'm not sure. Who's elizabeth?
- Your baby.

Mom, the last thing
I'd have is a baby.

I'm 17. I've got my
whole life ahead of me.

Honey? Mom, are you all right?

No! You say you
don't have a baby,

You're talkin' responsible, and
you're acting like a lovin' husband?

What's wrong with you people?

What's that smell?

[Gasps]

Jake. Jake, honey, go on
back to your own room.

Is that gum?

[Crying] [crying] I
can't turn her off!

Bring her here.

I haven't gotten any
sleep in three months.

I'm losing my mind,
mom. It's okay.

- Shh, everybody. It'll be okay.
- [elizabeth crying]

What's wrong with you?

[Crying] it's just so beautiful.

Come on.

[Crying continues]

[Sighs]

This is more like it.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ who I am is who I wanna be ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

- [kyra] morning, mom.
- is it technically morning
if you've never gone to sleep?

I need some coffee.

If you need more sleep, try
wearing earplugs like me.

Ooh, can I borrow
those tonight? Van.

What? I need some sleep so
I can start to think clearly.

How many years
you plan to sleep?

If you didn't want to get up
with the baby, you should say so.

- I don't want to get up.
- Oh, you're gettin' up.

I am not doing this alone.
But what's the point?

I get up. I hand her
to you. That's it!

I mean, it'd be different if I
was feeding her or something.

But I'm not built that
way. These wells are dry.

Kids, can I say something? Mom, the
last thing we need now is your advice.

No, you're right. You're 17,

Living in my house with
your husband and daughter...

You've got it covered.

Hey, reba. This boy
won't stop growing.

From now on, no vegetables
and he takes up smoking.

Well, at this point, I doubt it
would shock the neighbors.

- Did you have a good time?
- Yeah! Barbra jean got me
a gamecube.

See ya at the
puppet show, buddy!

A gamecube, like the one we
both agreed not to get him?

Surprise!

Look, I know we talked,
but I changed my mind.

Brock, please tell me you're not letting
jake play those violent video games.

We have to. The nice ones suck.

- Brock.
- No, reba.

Barbra jean got it so they could
have something to do together.

He's having a great time. She's having
a great time. I don't see the problem.

I don't want barbra jean
making the parenting decisions.

I tell you what.

From now on, you make
the rules at your house...

And don't worry about
who's making 'em at mine.

Oh, that's just great, brock. What
happens when we go to the park?

Who makes the rules then?

I call the park!

I don't think it's fair that you
always want me to change the baby.

Well, I'm taking care of what
goes into the baby, so logically...

So logically you would
clean up what you started.

No, van. Logically...

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
socrates, plato.

You really need to stop arguing.

Hey, I tell you what.
Tonight I'll watch elizabeth,

So you guys can go
out and have some fun.

Is anyone checking on
elizabeth? We have a monitor.

Welcome to the


[Clicks] [elizabeth crying]

And it's the 21st century.

[Crying continues]

Are ya comin'?

Well, of course.

If I wasn't there to hand her to you,
the whole system would break down.

So jake got a gamecube? Oh,
your father's so irritating.

He told me they have a
different set of rules over there,

And I just have to learn
to live with it. So here.

What's that? Five
dollars. Tell me the rules.

Five dollars. Gee, I'll
go see half a movie.

Look, I swear any information
you give me is confidential.

But you're my kids, and I need to know
exactly what's goin' on over there.

Well, when you put it that way.

Okay. Well, like, one
thing they do... Yeah.

Is barbra jean doesn't
believe in bedtimes.

We go to sleep whenever we
want, even on a school night.

[Chuckles] well, isn't that fun?

But I'm sure you don't
stay up that late.

It's kind of hard to sleep with all
the candy and soda she lets us have.

Candy? Really?

What else? She gives us fast
food after you tell her not to.

I told her not to do
that! I just said that.

I'm not talkin' to you! That's
why I don't trust her parenting.

She's just trying to be popular.

[Groans] she puts her needs
over the welfare of my kids.

You think you could get her to
say some of those things on tape?

Yoo-hoo! Reba!

Oh, hi, barbra jean.

I got you a chair.

The little girl who was sittin'
here had to go to the bathroom.

No saveys!

My right cheek thanks you.

My left cheek'll
make do. [Laughs]

Thank you all for coming. Today
we're having a puppet show...

About a rabbit and a squirrel...

That learn an important lesson
about how we should behave.

So what are you doing here?
Brock had to do a root canal.

It was an emergency.

You know, dentists are
the firemen of the mouth.

Only their calendars
don't sell as well.

Larry, want to sneak
into the school tonight?

I don't know, davey.

[talking continues] since
school's only a half day,

I'd like to take jakey
to lunch if that's okay.

Oh, lunch, huh? Will there
be food at this lunch?

Uh-huh.

You know, I'm glad you
brought this up 'cause

I've been wanting
to talk to you again...

About keeping jakey
away from fast foods.

Oh, of course. I never
give him fast food.

'Cause fast foods upset his
stomach. Then he's up all night.

And that's why as his biological
mother I asked you not to give him any.

We never do.

You never give him
fast food? Nope.

Never? Not once.

'Cause you can tell me.

I swear I've never
given him fast food.

Liar.

What? I said you're
a liar. You lie.

You take him for fast food all the time.
You take him, and then you lie to my face.

Well, I refuse to let my
son go to lunch with a liar.

It's also wrong to lie, davey.

Did I ever tell you, when I was
a kid, we went to a dairy farm?

Oh, good lord. Okay.
Upstairs. There you go.

Cheyenne, use a coaster.

You know, it's your fault
that I have to do this.

If you hadn't gotten van
excited about going out,

I wouldn't have to sit here
and have my breasts vacuumed.

Our neighbors had
hers shampooed.

They're just like new!

Hey, do you think
if you fell asleep,

These would just keep sucking
all the moisture out of you...

Until you became like a raisin?

You can imagine how anxious I
am to have dinner with this man.

All right. Now, I want
y'all to go have a good time.

Don't talk about the
baby. Don't think about

The baby. Don't even
say the word "baby."

- What?
- I miss my baby.

[brock] hey, guys.

Huh. What's wrong with
cheyenne? Gee, I don't know.

She's a teenage mother.
You'd think she'd be happier.

What's up? I need you to
apologize to barbra jean.

Apologize? Let's see.

What are you doing?
Checking for flying pigs.

Sorry.

You're out of luck. She
says you called her a liar.

She is. She said she
never gives jake fast food.

She doesn't. Yes, she does.

No, she doesn't. She does.

Reba, I admitted
we had an affair.

I don't think I'd lie
about a hamburger.

Hang on a second. I'm gonna
check something in the kitchen.

Quick double check. Barbra
jean gave jake fast food, right?

No. Great. Thanks.

What? Barbra jean did
not give jake fast food.

But you said she... I know. I
was just yanking your chain.

You realize your
father is out there,

And now, because I was wrong, I
have to apologize to barbra jean?

This just keeps gettin' funnier.

I tell you what's
funny. You're grounded!

Oh, and that five bucks I
gave you... It's canadian. Ha!

[Laughing]

You know what... I can't remember
what all this was about in the first place.

So what do you say next time we're
all out bowling, shoes are on me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm not done here, reba.

Barbra jean didn't lie,

And I'm not leaving until you
promise to apologize to her.

[Sighs] fine. I'll apologize.

But she needs to
apologize to me...

For making me sit on that
stupid, little ol' bitty chair!

[knocking]

[Sighs]

Hey, reba.

Barbra jean.

Brock said you
wanted to talk to me.

Nope. Don't think so.

No?

He seemed pretty sure.

Oh! Oh, i... I bet I
know what it is.

You know, we were laughing
and talking earlier about,

You know, how you guys are
always apologizing to me about,

You know, all the
terrible stuff you've done.

And I said, "gee, maybe I ought to
apologize to you sometime for something."

So, I'm sorry. See ya later.

Wait a minute.

You're apologizing to me?

For what?

Oh, all right. Here goes.

I guess because of our history,

Sometimes I was a little
too quick to judge you.

And that wasn't
fair, so I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry I
called you a liar.

Oh, reba! [Grunts]

Yeah, I knew that was comin'.

[Sobbing] you don't
understand. I lied.

What?

I did give jake fast food.

don't tell brock, because
sometimes I'm just too tired to cook,

And jake loves it so much.

And he loves me
when I give it to him.

Can you ever forgive me?

Reba?

I'll give you 10 seconds.
Then I release the dogs.

You don't have dogs. [Whistles]

Cannibal! Shredder!
Come to mama!

[Barking]

This was a great idea.

I feel free.

How's the salad bar? Good.

What'd you get? Well, I got baby
corn and little baby carrots.

[Crying] and baby lettuce.

Okay. Hold it right there. Your mom
said we're not supposed to talk about that.

And why not, huh?

I mean, van, did you
ever think maybe I'm not

Obsessing too much but
you're not obsessing enough?

Oh, so this is all my
problem? Maybe it is.

I knew it! You think
I'm a bad parent.

I never said that. Well,
let me tell you something.

I love that little girl.

And just because I don't
check on her every 10 seconds...

Or jump up the minute she
cries doesn't mean I don't.

Well, of course you do.

Good. Then I don't want to
hear any more about this.

Okay.

Van... [Crying] I'm a
terrible parent.

I don't like my baby.

What? Well, she-she cries,

And she doesn't sleep,
and she... She smells.

I mean, i-i love her, but
maybe I'm not a baby person.

You know, we should have had a 12-year-old
like my cousin. He's really cool.

Van, you poor thing.

Then I watch you,
and you're so into her,

And it just makes
me feel guiltier.

[Sighs]

Can I tell you
something? Oh, why not?

It can't be worse than me
saying I don't like my own baby.

[Crying] I don't know
if I like her either.

What? I don't know. I try, but
it's just... It is never enough.

I thought this would be easier.

I mean, van, I
love her too, but,

God, she's like this tiny angry
guest that won't go away.

So you're a bad parent too?

Yeah.

[Crying] I love you so much.

So originally you
told the truth,

But then you lied when I asked you
if you lied about telling the truth.

Yeah, that's right.

Okay. So what's going on?
And this time I want the truth.

I was just kidding
around at first, but...

Then when everything blew up, I
just wanted the arguing to stop.

But you people
just won't let it go.

Oh, come on. It's not like we're at
each other's throats or anything.

I mean... [Chuckles] your
dad won't let it go,

But I'm not like that. [Laughs]

You're both like that.

You ask me about them,
and they ask me about you,

And I'm always
stuck in the middle.

Oh, honey. I'm sorry. I didn't
realize we were doing that.

It's gonna stop. I promise.

So what do they ask about me?

Hey there. Looks like someone
had a good time tonight.

Yes, we did. We had
a very long talk.

Yeah, we realized there's
nothing wrong with us.

Babies are just a
nightmare. Mm-hmm.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

You know, you could have told
us that before we got pregnant.

Yeah, we think maybe someone
wanted to be a grandparent.

Yeah, I'm living the dream.

[knocking]

Did you call me over here about
the hamburger thing again? Yes.

Ah, terrific. It's
the third time today.

Cows don't talk this
much about hamburger.

Look, I want to trust you
with the kids, but I can't...

Unless I know everything
that's going on over there.

But isn't trust believing
without knowing? No, that's faith.

Well, how about a little faith? How
about just cough up the information?

Okay, fine. But two
can play at that game.

If I have to answer your
questions, you have to answer mine.

Fine.

You already know about
the fast food. What else?

You let them go to bed anytime
they want? No, they have a bedtime.

Do you say nasty things about
barbra jean in front of the kids?

Yes. [Scoffs]

Do you ever let 'em have
candy and soda at night?

Yes, that's my right as a
father, but not very often.

Do you use our 13-year-old
daughter as a spy?

Yes. Oh.

Do you make jake take his
vitamins? Does he brush his teeth?

Who puts gum on his
feet? This is ridiculous.

Why her?

What?

Why her? Why barbra jean?

Why? [Chuckles]

Come on, reba.
What does it matter?

'Cause it drives me crazy!

I mean, it's not like I want you
back or anything. It's just that...

It just doesn't make any sense.

I mean, I'd get it if
she was miss nascar...

Or the girl that hands out the
rubber worms down at the boat show.

Did you just want
somebody taller?

She needs me, reba.

- My kids needed you.
- And they still have me.

And I will always be here for our
kids. But you didn't need me, reba.

Oh, that's
ridiculous. No, it's not.

I mean, you can make
toast. Barbra jean can't.

Help me out here, brock.

Is "make toast"
code for something?

No. No, see, barbra jean
loves makin' breakfast...

I mean, omelets, bacon,
fresh-squeezed juice.

But she can't make
toast. She always burns it.

So I make it. And when I
bring the toast to the table,

I'm a big hero.

Boy, I didn't think it was
gonna sound that stupid.

No, I get it.

I don't guess I made you feel much
like a hero last couple of years.

Well, maybe that's because
I wasn't much of a hero.

We okay?

Yeah.

I'll talk to ya later.

Okay. [door opens]

[door closes]

What kind of a moron
can't make toast?

acme! [Coughing]