02x21 - For Sale, Cheap

[bunniefuu]

[horn honks] oh, man.

Mom, I can just buy lunch.

Not five days in a row. A
packed lunch means a mom cares.

Where are the lunchables?

Who ate all the lunchables? Van!

[horn honks] mom,
the bus is here.

Okay. Here's five
bucks. Oh, wait a minute.

There you go. Love you, sweetie.
Love ya, love ya. [Loud kisses]

Hi, jake. Bye, jake. Hey, reba.

Bye, brock. Here, grab some peanut
butter and start paintin' bread.

But-but, jake just left. It's not
for today; it's for tomorrow.

I don't have time tonight 'cause I
gotta go to that dumb meeting...

About jake's school auction.

- Oh, yeah. I wanted to
talk to you about that.
- I don't need talk.

I need a cochairman.
I told the committee

That I can't do it again
this year by myself.

Look at this stuff. I have to plan
refreshments, line up all the donations...

And, uh-oh, send out last
year's thank-you cards.

Sounds like you need help.

Of course I need help.
But they can't find anybody.

You'd think some people would
just want to jump in and do some good.

Guess what? Somebody did.

Oh, no, brock. [Forced
chuckle] not me and you.

No. It'd just be fighting and
fighting and fighting and...

You're the last person in the
world I'd wanna do this with.

Hello there, partner. [Laughs]

Okay, brock. You and
me, together again.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

[Giggles] isn't this exciting?
We're on the same team.

And we're gonna be a great one. Like
barnum and bailey. Sears and roebuck.

♪ Electra woman and dyna girl ♪

Barbra jean... ♪ And reba ♪

Barbra jean... ♪ And reba ♪

Brock. Barbra jean...

♪ And reba ♪

Hey, sweetie. Sweetie, maybe
you oughta go wait in the car.

Right. You know what I'll do? I'll
start working on the t-shirt design.

Ooh, how about
one that says, "shh!"

You know, 'cause
it's a silent auction.

[Laughs] yeah.

[Whispers] get out.

[Whispers] oh. Right.

I can't do it. I don't care if they close
the school down and all the kids go dumb.

Oh. That's great. Great. Fine.

Fine. Put your personal feelings
ahead of the well-being of the children.

Your children. Don't
use the kids, brock.

You know, who cares if
this auction is a big flop?

I mean, does the school really
need playground equipment?

I guess the kids could
just climb on each other.

Oh, come on.

Why do you need a lunch lady
to keep fights from breaking out?

I mean, poor, tiny, little
jake can fend for himself.

Oh, all right. I won't quit. But
why do I have to do it with her?

Because she's the only one
who volunteered. Come on, reba.

You've got the experience. You've what,
set the record for three straight years?

Four. Four. Four. And
barbra jean has got the time.

So, just-just point her in the right
direction and let her go to town.

Oh, I'll let her go to town
all right. A town far, far away.

All right, I'll do it. I'll
work with barbra jean.

♪ And reba ♪

[Mouths words]

Hey, guys. What's that?

Dead leaves, old tennis
ba*ls and a frisbee.

We're making a
basket for the auction.

You're donating
a trip to the dump?

No, no. I'm donating my services
to clean out someone's gutters.

Cleaning gutters? That's
what you're donating? Uh-huh.

Guys, I hate to say this,
but that sounds kinda dumb.

Well, barbra jean
suggested it. Oh! [Laughs]

Then I don't mind saying
it. That's really dumb.

Well, mom, what else is van gonna do? I
mean, he doesn't have any other skills.

Don't say that,
cheyenne. He can...

Hey. You should donate
football lessons.

Hey, you know that's... That's
a pretty good idea. Yeah.

You know, mom, you're pretty
good at this auction stuff.

I better be. This year's
gonna be a real challenge.

Barbra jean don't have the
faintest idea what she's doing.

i've told her five times that the
way to get the best donation...

Is to match the person
with the thing they're best at.

- Like you and football.
- Yeah.

Like, I could teach teenage girls
how to take care of their babies.

Yeah. Great. Hey, you know
what? Don't use your real name.

Hey there, kids. Van, what
happened to your finger?

Oh, my finger got caught
in mike garcia's face mask.

Oh, be still my heart. The
gutter basket looks great.

- They changed their mind.
- Mrs. H said I should donate
football lessons instead.

Well, great. I mean, I don't even
know what football lessons are...

And, you know, everybody's got dirty
gutters, but, reba, I guess you know best.

Keep that thought
for the rest of the day.

Well, I guess we're not
gonna need this stuff anymore.

We should probably go put
it back in the gutters, honey.

Good thing I didn't
put away the ladder.

Okay, barbra jean, I've kept the
files from the last four years.

Inside here is the secret formula
to a successful auction. Now...

Does anybody else
have a question?

Yes? Okay. Um, I
was just wondering,

Um, if we only do what you did, then
we can only do as well as you did.

And we wanna do better than you did,
so we should be thinking outside the box.

[Laughs] but all the
wisdom is inside the box.

Okay? Now, look, I'm the chairman
and I say we stick with what works.

Okay. But I thought
we were cochairmen?

[Chuckles] no. You're
cochairman. "Co" is latin for "not."

I can't believe I almost missed the whole
auction. Eugene wouldn't let me leave work.

How's it going? Boring.

But it's about to get better. Barbra
jean didn't take any of your suggestions.

What? We're outside the box?

And did you see the
door prize? It's a door.

Hey, mrs. H. Great idea on the football
lessons. The bidding's going nuts.

Yes, because it was my
idea from inside the box.

Yes, but it was barbra
jean's idea to put a

Shirtless photo of me
next to the bid sheet.

It's totally disgusting. It's like a
feeding frenzy for middle-aged women.

Oh, come on. You both
should be very proud that

I'm gonna raise a lot of
money for the school.

Yeah. Dirty money,
you flesh peddler.

Oh, hey, reba. It's
going pretty well.

"Pretty well" is not up to my standards.
You don't set records with pretty well.

I'm just saying people
are bidding. Yeah?

My tooth bleaching
is already up to $380.

Course I throw in floss and a
toothbrush. Aw, they must know that.

Hey, hey. There's my
cochairman. [Forced chuckle]

So, what do you think of our
auction? This isn't our auction.

This is your auction. My
auction is in a box saying,

"Help, let me out."

Ladies and gentlemen, the
bidding is now officially closed.

I wanna thank you all for coming
tonight. Now, before we read the tally,

I have a little
announcement to make.

There is a rusted-out,


Out front. Would you
please move your car?

You're not blocking anything,
you're just embarrassing the school.

[Laughing loudly]

Thank you, honey. Okay.
Well, let's read the tally.

Oh, man. They're not
gonna pin this on me.

It's not my fault. It
was barbra jean's fault.

Oh, wow. Well, we didn't
match what we did last year.

I knew it. I'm sneaking
out the back.

nope. We beat it by
eleven hundred dollars!

[Screaming] oh, my
gosh. We did it!

We did it. I can't
believe it. Me neither.

Oh, my gosh. We're
record-setters. Oh, yeah.

You and me together are
better than you. [Screams]

Oh, my gosh, this is just so
exciting. We broke the record.

Last time I broke a record I was
the biggest baby born in juno county.

Hey, hey, hey. Congratulations,
you two. Look. Give me that tally.

Hey. Oh, I mean... [Chuckles]
before I get all excited,

I just wanna make sure that this
could actually be happening to me.

This makes five years
in a row that I've been

Married to the woman
who broke the record.

Glad we could
help you with that.

Aha! Eight and seven
is not... Oh, yeah, it is 15.

Congratulations,
you two geniuses.

Hey, barbra jean, did you hear? Some
lady paid $150 for my football lessons.

Yeah, way to go. You run a
real nice meat market here.

Cheyenne, let it go.

I just think it's weird that some woman
wants to learn football from van, okay?

It isn't weird. You wanted
to learn football from me.

No, van. I didn't
care about football.

I just wanted to touch your
butt when you hiked me the ball.

Cheyenne, I'm a guy. You could've
just asked to touch my butt.

In fact, you didn't even have to
ask. Come on. Free... Free grabby.

Oh. Touch it. Come on.

Whew. Settin' records is pretty
thirsty work, huh, cochair?

[Chuckles] I could really go
for a celebratory wine cooler.

Shh. Don't tell anybody.

[Chuckles] trust me. People
just assume you drink.

Oh, boy.

It must really bug you that you have
to share the credit with barbra jean.

Brock, the auction was a
success. That's all that matters.

Good. Good. I'm glad to
hear it, because, you know,

I was worried that you'd be so jealous
that you wouldn't host that party...

That you always throw for
all the volunteers. What?

You know, the one where you and your new
cochair bask in the glory of your success?

Oh, yeah. Sorry to disappoint you,
brock, but I'm fine to do the party.

I'm happy to do the party. I can't think
of anything in this world I'd rather do.

Well, good. [Chuckles]

Pencil in the eye.
That's what I'd rather do.

Oh. Are we getting ready for
our big football date with terry?

Oh, cheyenne, it's not a date.

Hey, do you mind if I introduce
you as my sister? Okay. Cut it out.

You are totally flaunting your hotness,
just like you did in high school...

When you would take your jersey
off in front of the cheerleaders.

Okay, I had to. They were doing
the "van, take off your shirt" cheer.

Yeah. The one you taught them.

Cheyenne, why can't
you trust me? You can't

Even stand for another
girl to talk to me.

Because you can't seem to talk
without flexing your muscles.

All right, I always look like I'm
flexing. That's just the way I'm built.

Oh, please. [doorbell rings]

Okay, there she is. Please, don't hang
around and make her feel uncomfortable...

By standing around going...
[Coughs] tr*mp... [Coughs] tr*mp.

Uh, can I help you?

I'm here for my football lesson.

Wait a minute. You're terry?

I certainly am.

And I know who you are.
What's with the shirt?

- [Laughs]
- [giggles]

Hi, I'm cheyenne...
Van's sister.

- All right. Okay.
- Okay.

All right, boys. I'll be in
the kitchen on the phone.

I suddenly have something I
have to tell everyone I know.

- It was nice meeting you.
- You too, terry.

Well, why don't you come in?

So, terry... [Nervous chuckle] why's a
guy like you interested in football?

Well, my partner and his son
watch football every weekend.

I don't know anything about the
game. I'd like to have something to say...

Other than how fabulous
the avocado dip is.

Would you excuse me
for just one second?

[Chuckling] avocado dip.

Cheyenne, cheyenne. I
think terry might be g*y.

[Laughs] you only think?

[Exhales] okay, we
need to do something.

Well, I could go put something
sexy on and try and turn him,

- But I really
don't think that works.
- All right, this isn't funny.

I think he's attracted
to me. Of course he is.

Everyone is, honey. It's not your
fault. You flex. It's the way you're built.

Besides, I don't
wanna be jealous.

No, no, no. I love it when
you're jealous. [Scoffs]

Especially when you drive other
people away from me. He's after your man.

Are you gonna stand for that? It is the
price I pay for being married to a hottie.

God!

Now, if you'll excuse me, my
conference call is waiting.

[whistle]

I hope you don't mind. I
started watching the tape.

No, no. Th-that's great.

See, why don't you take
these home and watch 'em,

And we'll do a follow-up
on the phone later.

Oh, but, uh, we're gonna do
the hands-on stuff, right?

- What?
- Well, you know, the huddle up,
and then we tackle each other?

Tag, you're it. Hup,
hup, hup. Oh, yeah.

All right. Wait. Oh, fumble.

Fumble! [Both laugh]

Oh, this is fun.

- I love football.
- [Stammering]

Terry, we need to talk. Um,
I think you're a great guy,

And, uh... But, uh, this-this
just isn't gonna work out.

Why not? I don't
find you attractive.

I didn't realize that was
part of the game. Well, yeah.

I don't find you attractive either.
Why are we talking about this?

I'm not making a judgment
about being g*y or not being g*y...

Whoa! g*y? You think
I'm g*y? I'm not g*y.

Yeah, right. I mean... I mean,
you talked about your "partner."

My business partner.

We own a jewelry store together.

He, i, my wife, judy. A
former miss houston.

- So, not g*y?
- Not g*y.

Oh, well, then let's get
this football lesson started.

I don't think so. Um,

I didn't realize you were
using these football

Lessons to meet men
you're attracted to.

Whoa! Whoa!

Wait, wait. You think I'm g*y?

I-i'm not g*y. I'm married.

To your sister.

No. Wait a minute.
Really, I'm not g*y.

Well, I don't know why I
would've thought so. [Grunts]

That's just the way I'm built.

See ya later, mary.

It is not, kyra.

Van, I'm just saying, a lot of g*y
guys wear their hair like that.

Hey, reba.

Everybody's just dying to
know the secret to our success.

You know, you and i, we should write a
book. We could call it, outside the box.

[Chuckles]

Let's just finish this so I can
get you outside the house.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, if I
could have your attention, please.

Let's bring up the
two women who are

Responsible for our
record-breaking auction,

Reba hart and barbra jean hart.

No relation.

Oh, gosh. Thank you so much.

You know, when they first
approached me about doing this,

I don't mind telling
y'all, I was scared.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

But then, I remembered
something...

That made me as calm
as a bunny in the sun.

I wasn't doing this alone.

I was doing this with
one of the finest people...

It has ever been my honor
to call my friend, reba hart.

[Nervous chuckle]

So let's give a big hand to the person
really responsible for this: reba hart.

- Reba! Reba!
- [Chanting] reba! Reba!

Reba. Reba. Reba. Okay. Enough.

Thank you, barbra
jean. Oh, reba.

Well, I have done the auction for the last
four years, and it's been a huge success.

So, this year, I brought
all my experience,

And I told barbra jean
exactly what to do with it.

And she didn't do any of it.

Barbra jean deserves
all the credit.

She did it. She's the reason we
set a new record. Barbra jean.

[Mouthing words]

Barbra jean! Barbra jean!

[Chanting] barbra jean!
Barbra jean! Barbra jean!

♪ And reba ♪

[Chanting continues]

[Exhales]

Hey, reba. Listen, that was really nice of
you to get up there and say what you did.

Well, I wasn't trying to be
nice. I just said what happened.

Unfortunately, it
just came out nice.

Come on, reba. The
auction was a huge success.

Why does it matter
whose ideas they were?

I'll tell you why. Because...
[Scoffs] during this process,

I learned something
about your wife, brock.

Contrary to the rumors
I spread, she's not a ditz.

- Well, that's good.
- No, it's not.

Do you have any idea
how hard this is on me?

It's a heck of a lot easier to dislike
someone when you think she's an idiot.

Well, I'm sorry for your loss, reba,
but I'm gonna look at that as a good thing.

Yeah. I guess I should
look on the bright side.

I mean, it's not like she's never
gonna do anything stupid again.

Reba, I just had a great
idea for next year.

Two words: donkey basketball.

[Makes popping sound]

Didn't have to wait long, did i?

acme! [Coughing]