03x05 - Spies Like Reba

[bunniefuu]

Look who has time to bake
since her chick left the nest?

Look who's not gettin' a muffin.

Hey, honey. You
want one? No time.

I left a library book
upstairs. It's due today. Bye.

Wait a minute! We haven't talked all
week. Can't you spare five minutes?

What would five minutes really do, mom?
Wouldn't that just leave us wanting more?

Barbra jean, I'm going to
jenny's after the library. Bye.

Don't you wanna
hear about my day?

I'd like to hear about your day.

Here's the headline. Giant
blonde attacks muffin factory.

Cute redhead saves the day.

And since when is kyra and jenny
talkin'? I thought they were fightin'.

Oh, not anymore. See,
kyra sat with macy at lunch,

So jenny thought
kyra was stuck-up.

But then kyra sat with jenny
again, so jenny and kyra made up.

Any questions?

Yeah. Since when are
you in the ninth grade?

I'm very plugged in
with the kids, reba.

And you know, it's only natural
that you've fallen out of touch...

With kyra since she moved out.

I am not out of touch
with my daughter.

It's just that she
doesn't live here,

And we don't always
talk as much as we...

And you don't live
here either, by the way!

Reba, let me give you the benefit
of my parenting experience.

See, I tried talkin' to kyra,

But all I ever got
were angry looks.

Yes, just like that.

But I have learned...

There are other ways to open
the doors of communication.

I don't want your parenting
advice, barbra jean.

Yes, you do.

Because you know that I know
things about kyra that you wanna know.

And you wanna know
how I know them.

And I'll let you know how I
know them if you let me know...

Okay, fine!

Tell me your secret. Tell
me how you get my daughter...

To completely open up
about every detail in her life.

I spy on her.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

I can't believe you
spy on my daughter.

And you thought I wasn't
ready to raise a teenager.

Hey, guys. We're back
from the ball game.

Dad let me eat a
whole bowl of relish.

He's makin' it sound
a lot worse than it is.

The relish was on,
like, six hot dogs.

Did you know barbra
jean is spying on kyra?

- So?
- So!

It's a betrayal of trust. It's an invasion
of privacy. It's just old-fashioned wrong!

It's only wrong if the person
you're spying on has somethin' to hide.

Like if you had spied on brock
when we were having an affair.

Don't help. Okay, honey?

Kyra's a good kid. What's
barbra jean gonna find out?

it's either band, the
library or the mall.

We're lucky. Kyra has no life.

Apparently neither
does barbra jean,

Or she wouldn't be
readin' a 14-year-old's diary.

I would never read kyra's diary.

I read her e-mail.

Yeah! See, I put this
filter on the computer...

That lets me see everything
anyone does online.

You mean anything
kyra does, right?

No.

I gotta go. oh, yeah.

You know, really, reba,
there's no harm in spyin'.

Wouldn't you like to
know things about kyra?

Like who gave her that
friendship necklace?

No, I wouldn't.

I'm not gonna stoop to
your level, barbra jean.

If kyra wants me to
know, she'll tell me.

Or you can just wait 30 years...

And hope that kyra's memoirs
get turned into a movie.

Which you won't be able to see unless
there's parking outside the theater...

For your high horse!

Oh, yeah!

Wow. Kyra's life as a movie.
You know who I'd wanna play me?

- Who?
- Denzel washington.

What was that about?

Oh, barbra jean thinks
that I oughta spy on kyra.

Like I'd ever spy
on one of my kids.

- You spied on me all the time.
- I did not!

Your mom has a point, cheyenne.

I mean, if she'd been spying on us,
you'd have never have gotten pregnant.

It's like you were blind.

If you didn't spy on me, how did
you always know when I liked a boy?

Oh, it was obvious. You'd be on the
phone all day with all your friends...

Tellin' them about it, and then you'd
write "I love jimmy" on your notebooks.

jimmy?

- Who's jimmy?
- You are, honey.

[Mouthing words]

And then your pockets would be full
of those empty lip gloss containers,

And you'd wear that pink sweater
real low cut with the black lace on it.

Hey, you know, going through
someone's pocket is called spying, mom.

No, honey. It's called
doin' the laundry.

Well, maybe I'll do your laundry
and see how much you like it.

Yeah, do my ironin'
too. That'll show me.

You know what I think, mrs. H?

That you're not really jimmy?

No. [Mouthing word]

- I think you should
spy on kyra.
- What?

Yeah. Go through her backpack.
They keep everything in there.

And wise up, mrs. H. No one gets a
friendship necklace from a friend.

It's from a boy. Boy.
Friend. You do the math.

Hey. Hey! Two visits in a week.

That deserves a hug!

[Laughing]

What are you doing? Oh,
enjoying the scent of a girl...

Who doesn't smoke or
hang out with kids who do.

Have you been drinking? No!

Have you?

I'm going upstairs to get
some clothes. Don't follow me.

Why would I follow
you? I'm not nosy.

[Softly] oh, kyra?

I'm gonna go through
your backpack.

If it's okay, don't
say anything.

Ah! Brandon.

Hello, jimmy.

[Chuckles]

Yeah.

Oh, mints.

[door opens] [gasps]

Oh!

[Chuckles]

I'll see you later. Okay, all
right. Here, don't study too hard.

Whoa! That's cheyenne's sweater.

Not anymore. She gave it to me.

And what is that smell? Did
you swallow a car freshener?

No. And where are you
going in cheyenne's sweater?

Out. Out where?

Out there, to enjoy the freedom
our forefathers fought and died for.

Why are you asking all this
stuff? I'm not asking stuff.

I just wanna know if you're gonna
go meet someone somewhere...

And do somethin' that I
might or might not like.

Oh, I get it. You think I
didn't check all this with dad.

No. That's not what I'm saying. Well, it
must be, or you wouldn't be saying it.

I mean, when I lived with you,
I checked with you, not dad.

Now that I live with dad, I
check with him, not you, right?

Well, yes.

And now you're worried that I
didn't check with either of you.

But I know the rules,
and I checked with dad.

Isn't that what I'm
supposed to do? Well, yeah!

But don't think you can just walk in
here and abide by the rules, little missy!

Hey. Hey, guys. Kyra around?

No. She's over at a friend's
house. Which friend's?

I don't know. Mindy, bitsy,
bootsy. I can't keep track.

You let your daughter leave this
house without knowin' where she's goin'?

What kind of parent are you?

- Hey, mom.
- Jake, what are you doin' here?

Not ruining my dinner.

You didn't know where jake was.

Oh, that's different.
Jake hasn't blossomed.

Come on. Kyra's
fine. She's a good kid.

Oh, really? So you're
not the least bit worried...

That she just left my house
wearing cheyenne's sweater?

I spent so much money on those clothes,
I hope jake wears cheyenne's sweater.

And anyway, we're not talkin' about
cheyenne here. We're talkin' about kyra.

Kyra who might have a boyfriend
whose name might be brandon...

Who might have
given her a necklace.

Well, I'm hearing
a lot of "mights."

So until I hear some "definitelys,"
I'm not gonna freak out.

- But how can I be sure?
- [Imitates beep]

You've got mail.

[Imitates beep] you
got a goofball.

Okay, barbra jean, what's
the story with kyra?

she definitely has a
boyfriend named brandon,

and he definitely
gave her that necklace.

Well, is she meeting him? Or is she
over at mindy, bitsy, bootsy's house?

There's nothin' in here that
tells me... Oh, my goodness! What?

- What?
- We can refinance
at 4.75 with no points.

Oh, get over!

[Computer rings] what'd I
do? Did I set off the alarm?

No, it's the instant message.

It's like talkin' with
someone over the phone,

But less private and
more difficult. Oh.

It's from her friend, mindy.

"F2t?" What does that mean?

Free to talk. Put "yes."

Oh, I don't mean put
"yes." I mean put "y."

That's the first letter.

[Computer beeps] okay,
another message.

The letter "r," the letter "u."

R... Ru...

No! R-u. See, "are you?"

See. ah!

All right. "Are you goin' to
brandon's tonight, k-y-r-a?"

What's k-y-r-a?

Kyra.

"No parents equal fun." No parents!
It's an unsupervised party, brock!

That she may not be going to.

She's askin' why I'm not replyin'.
What do I say? Well, don't say anything.

She'll know you're not
kyra. It's all caps! She's mad!

Turn it off! T-i-o! T-i-o!

[Screams]

Well, brock?

Okay, all right.
Now don't panic.

So, she didn't tell us
her friend was a boy.

A boy she likes whose
parents are out of town!

Yeah, yeah, it sounds bad.

Real, real bad.

But... But that doesn't mean
she's gonna go over there and...

And do something stupid.

Right. It just means she can.

Kids are startin' to
arrive. Pull closer, brock.

We'll never be able
to see her from here.

We're never gonna see her
because she's not coming.

But if her friends see us, then
she's gonna think I don't trust her.

Reba, don't worry.

I've got a plan that'll
make both of you happy.

Ha!

Night-vision goggles? Uh-huh.

Barbra jean, we're in
the suburbs, not 'nam.

You can't go sneakin' around
lookin' in people's windows.

I'll radio if I see anything.

And don't worry. I'm
not gonna do anything...

That looks suspicious.

I can't believe
this is happening.

Oh, come on, brock. You knew she
was crazy when you married her.

[Static hums] I heard that.

No, I can't believe I'm sitting out
here because you don't trust me.

Kyra's been living with
me for a whole month,

So obviously she's gone wild.

- I'm that bad a parent.
- Well, I'm not here to argue
with you, brock.

All I know is, when she lived
with me, I knew what she was up to.

Oh, yeah. Like you
did with cheyenne?

One time! One time our
daughter gets pregnant,

And I never hear the end of it!

Hey, I know what kyra's up
to. She's out with friends.

That's not good enough. You need to
know which friends and where they're goin',

For how long, and
get a phone number,

And then get a cell number in case
they lie about the phone number.

Or maybe we could put a chip in
her head and track her by satellite.

Well, if you weren't so cheap.

You know, did you
ever stop and think...

That maybe one of the reasons kyra
moved in with me is because I trust her?

You know what?

We might have to be here on a
stakeout, but we don't have to talk!

- Fine!
- Fine!

[static hums] roger that.

Can you believe my mom
kept track of my lip gloss?

I know. We would go
through, like, a tube a week.

Yeah.

Remember when my mom kept
that old couch out in the garage?

[Stomping feet] [sighs]

I thought my lips
would fall off.

You know, it was kind
of fun sneaking around,

Never knowing if we were
gonna get caught or not. Yeah.

Sittin' there in the dark,

The scent of strawberry
passion on our faces.

What's wrong? Nothing's
wrong. That's the problem.

There's no tension!

We're married! Takes all
the fun out of foolin' around.

I know. We could go upstairs
and dance around our room naked,

And no one would care.

You want to?

I don't know. It's
all the way upstairs.

Hey! [Both scream]

Barbra jean, what are you doin'?

No sign of kyra
yet. I'm goin' back in.

[Whistling]

I'd love to think that
your wife was insane

For climbing up a tree
in night-vision goggles,

But then I realized,
she's my leader.

- What are you talkin' about?
- I spied on my kid today,
brock.

I'm spying on her right now.

Well, unless she
doesn't show up.

Then you'd just be some creepy old
lady watching the teenagers party.

Because I don't know
who she is anymore.

Kyra's only been out of
the house for a month,

And she's got a whole
new life I don't know about.

Hey, try three years. When I moved
out, cheyenne was drill team captain,

Jake was learning to tie his shoes
and kyra was just a smart-mouthed kid.

every parent looks at their kid
and thinks, "oh, they grow up so fast."

But I never realized how fast until
I wasn't there every day to see it.

And now I'm gonna be the
one that's not there to see it.

[Breathy whistling] what the...

Hit the gas! I've been spotted!

- What are you doing here?
- [All scream]

What are you doing here?

I think a better question is,

What are your mom
and dad doin' here?

Never mind why we're
here. Why are you here?

- I'm with my friends, okay?
- Friends or boys?

- What's the difference?
- You don't know?

We got nothing to worry about.

We know it's an
unsupervised party, kyra.

Where did you hear that?
Have you been following me?

No, we got it from your e-mail.

Again, honey, don't help.

I can't believe this! Kyra!

kyra, wait! stop!

You know, I get
barbra jean doing this.

And dad has to tag along
in case he needs to post bail.

But not you, mom.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Now, we all know what
your mom did was wrong.

But you know what else is wrong?
You sneaking around with boys.

I know it's kind of dark out, but if
you borrow barbra jean's spy goggles,

You'll be able to
see I'm not cheyenne.

Maybe we got confused because
you're wearing her boy-meetin' sweater.

So you guys really think I'm so stupid that
I'd sneak off and have sex when I'm 14?

And even if I did, why would
I wear cheyenne's sweater?

For good luck?

I thought you knew
me better than that.

Well, I used to! But since
you moved out, we don't talk,

I don't see you, you don't
even check in with me.

Because I live with dad now. I
don't have to do all that stuff.

- Oh, yes, you do.
- What?

From now on, you have to check
with both me and your mother.

maybe you thought you'd have it easy
living with me because dad's a pushover.

let me tell you something. Living
with me isn't gonna be a free ride.

And it isn't a license to cut your
mother out of your life either.

- But that's not fair.
- Well, good. Then I must
be doing something right.

Now go say good
night to your friends.

and tell brandon I'm gonna
be sending his parents...

A nice little thank-you note
for letting him throw this party.

I can't believe this!

Who are you?

I'm the girl's father.

Thanks, brock.

[Horn honks]

Hey, red, hands off
the merchandise.

acme! [Coughing]