04x09 - Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

All right, you guys. Mom's
gonna be home any minute.

Who is gonna tell her that we're having
thanksgiving dinner at barbra jean's?

I'm not telling her.
I'm the smart one.

I've got the most
value to humanity.

- Well, I'm the prettiest.
- And what does that
have to do with anything?

Nothing. I just like saying it.

Well, first of all...
[Burps] I'm the prettiest.

Secondly, I'm the one who
said yes to barbra jean.

- You should be the one
to tell your mom.
- That is another thing.

Why would you say yes to barbra
jean? You know mom is gonna freak out.

I live in the moment.

Some of 'em are good. Some
of 'em are bad. [door opens]

Hey, guys. This is gonna
be one of the bad ones.

Hey, I got the biggest
turkey I could find.

The only one bigger than
this came with a saddle.

Wow, this is a lot of groceries.
This must have cost a fortune. Yeah.

well, you can't put a price
on family being together.

But if you did, it
would come to $214.67.

Mom, this... This just
seems like a huge burden.

I mean, you're gonna have
to spend hours cooking.

And cleaning. Some holiday, huh?

Yeah, wouldn't it
be great to have

Thanksgiving... Just no
family, no food, no fuss?

Just... Easy, you know?

Wouldn't that be great?

Okay, what's goin' on?

They want to have thanksgiving
dinner over at barbra jean's.

I guess I'm the only one
who loves you, mommy.

Thank you,
sweetheart. Thank you.

- So, you want to eat over there?
- Well, just for thanksgiving,
not every day.

barbra jean wants to
have a special day, because

she and dad are trying
to work things out.

She just wants to have a lot
of family around. Please, mom?

Okay.

What? Okay. I said you can go.

- You're not mad at us?
- No.

You mean you're not gonna get
all fiery and start rantin' and ravin',

Tellin' me to go cut myself a
switch from the lickin' tree?

No. If you want to eat dinner
over there, I can't stop you.

and frankly, it
would be a relief.

I mean, after every meal, van
stands up and says, "van 1, turkey 0."

you know, why... Through
that? Have a great thanksgiving.

Okay. All righty.

Thanks mrs. H. Thanks.

[Beeps]

Barbra jean? Yeah, it's reba.

Get your thanksgiving-stealing
butt over here right now...

And bring a branch
from the whippin' tree.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Hey, reba.

Put down the
spatula. Let's talk.

- You're not barbra jean.
- She's outside.

She's not gonna come in here until
she's sure you're not gonna hurt her.

It'll be worse if I
have to chase her.

Barbra jean, it's okay.

[barbra jean] if you're saying that
against your will, cough twice.

honey... Honey,
just come on in here.

The neighbors saw me come in.

They better see me come out.

Here's the deal. My kids always
have thanksgiving dinner with me.

Since I don't think I
should be the bad guy,

You go in there and
tell 'em the deal's off.

Go on. Have fun. Reba,
don't you try and bully her.

I'm not trying, I am.
You need to explain to

The children that you
got your days mixed up.

I don't want to. Bullies
don't care what you want.

Go on! Get in there! [Yelping]

[Brock] whoa, whoa,
whoa! Reba, stop that!

Hey, guys. Barbra jean has some
really sad news she wants to tell you.

- Go on, barbra jean. Tell 'em.
- Mm-mmm!

[Laughs] yes, I know it's painful.
Brock, maybe you should tell 'em.

Well, you see, kids, I've always
been attracted to angry women.

I'm not angry. Ow!

The thing is, reba
wants me to tell you...

You can't come over for thanksgiving,
even though I really want you there.

[scoffs] barbra jean!

Well, I'm not gonna give up that easily.
I didn't k*ll that bird for nothin'.

- Mom?
- Hey, don't look at me.

That's not what she
said in the kitchen. Good

Lord, barbra jean, get
your story straight.

- Hey... [Gurgling]
- [gasps]

Can we talk to you in
the kitchen for a second?

Sure, sure.

I'm sure we'll be able to work
out something. You know... [Muttering]

Look, just for the record,
I never laid a finger on her.

Mrs. H, we know you're upset,
but listen and pay attention here!

Cheyenne, you talk.

Okay, look. Mom, we've spent
every thanksgiving with you,

And this is really
important to barbra jean.

It's important to me too.

Honey, as the years go by, you kids
are gonna be going your separate ways,

Which means I have a limited
number of holidays left.

I just want to keep my family
with me as long as I possibly can.

- Oh, my gosh.
- We didn't think
about it like that.

Yeah, we just thought you
were being comically petty.

Well, I'm not. And it
would mean a lot to me...

If you guys would hold
on to our tradition a

Little longer and have
thanksgiving over here.

But we already
promised barbra jean.

Hey, can we invite dad and
barbra jean and henry over here?

Oh, I would, but family
tradition dictates no.

Come on, mom. Please.

Well, clearly, we kids have
gotten you into another scrape.

But it just seems like
the only solution, mrs. H.

Think about it. The second
word in thanksgiving is "giving."

So, give us dinner... With them.

Thanks.

Hard to argue with that, whatever
that was. The second word is...

But it's obvious that this is
very important to you. Yeah.

So, fine. Yeah?

I'll invite 'em. Oh, mom, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Tv playing, indistinct]

Dad, barbra jean, mom
has something to ask you.

I understand if you don't want to,
but if you guys do want to do this,

You could, uh, come
over for thanksgiving.

- Wow.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.

Reba! Oh, my.

You really... You really want all of
us to come over here and eat with you?

Sure.

That is so lovely, but
I'm gonna have to say no.

What? Yeah, I can't this year.
But really, super thanks.

Oh, wait a second. You don't
say no to me! I say no to you!

Well, if anyone is going anywhere, you're
coming over to my house for thanksgiving.

Wow.

You don't invite me. I invite
you. oh, you are so invited.

No, you are. Am not!

- Are too!
- Am not!
- Enough!

ladies, ladies. Thanksgiving
is not about where you eat.

It's about what you
eat and how much of it.

yes, and you guys are
gonna have to work this out,

Because we want to have
thanksgiving with everyone that we love.

yeah, and if you can't work it out
and be happy, then you know what?

We're gonna have
pizza for thanksgiving.

We'll do it, because van
likes pizza, and I got coupons.

And that will be the tradition
elizabeth remembers...

Pepperoni and sausage
on a tearstained crust.

You guys need to
work it out. Okay?

Now if you'll excuse me, I
made myself hungry. Okay.

I say we do the pizza thing
and go our separate ways.

We have nine people.
My table's bigger.

- We should have it over here.
- No way. You were mean to me.

- You ain't seen nothin' yet.
- Okay, okay. All right, guys. Whoa, whoa.

Look, we can do this, all
right? We're the adults.

And i, for one, wanna set an
example for the kids. An example?

Yeah. What, so van's gonna
knock up barbra jean?

Oh, that's great! All right!

What I was going to
say was, reba has a point.

Okay? She has the bigger
kitchen and more room.

It just makes sense
to do the dinner here.

Fine. But if we're gonna have
it over here, I get to cook.

Well, then... You?
You're not cookin'.

You're gonna be in the
yard shuckin' the corn. No.

No, I don't think so.

I think I'll cook the
turkey. [Gasps] the turkey?

No, no! The turkey's
the headliner.

If thanksgiving was a concert,
the turkey would be cher.

Okay. So... So, you wanna have it
at your house and you want cher?

That's right. I got
turkey, babe. [gasps]

I can't talk to her.

All right, reba, look. Barbra
jean agreed to do it over here.

I think you should
let her do the cooking.

But I want to cook it,
I want to have it over

Here, and I want her
in the yard shuckin'.

I cook, or we don't come.

Oh, please, reba. Do
it for our children.

Remember? The sweet ones
who are blackmailing us?

Fine. But if she puts
her hand up the turkey

And does that puppet
show, the deal's off.

The kids love that!

[Tv playing, indistinct]

[Guys] hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey! Huh? What?

Reba. Wow, would you calm down?

You know, thanksgiving is a time
when you sit back, relax... Ooh!

Oh! Son of a pickle
farmer! He fumbled!

Man, I got five
bucks on this game.

Y'all smell
anything? Sorry. I...

I meant from the kitchen. We
should be smelling something by now.

Thanksgiving is
all about timing.

She should be preparing the vegetables,
the turkey should be in the oven,

And right about
now I'd be bringing in...

Artichoke dip! Artichoke dip?

- Mm-hmm.
- The tradition is
french onion dip.

If it ain't broke,
don't fix it, darlin'.

I hate to be the one
to hurt your feelings,

But you're dealing with a
pretty fussy crowd here. Mmm.

Oh-h*-h*!

Barbra jean, this
dip is delicious. Ahh!

And I usually
don't like the dip.

Oh, well, I give
thanks for that, van.

Now make sure y'all save room
for my twice-baked potatoes.

Twice baked? Why doesn't she
bake 'em right the first time?

Hey, you guys, do you think this is
enough leaves for our centerpiece?

- I really want it to be
as good as last year.
- That's gonna be hard.

Last year, it was
really good. I know.

Ah. Are those yard clippings?

No, this is our traditional
thanksgiving centerpiece.

[Chuckles] right.

Leaves are dirty. That's
why god put them in trees.

Those aren't just leaves. There's
an old doritos bag in there too. Hmm!

This year, our place settings will
each have their own centerpiece...

Your own individual gourd
embossed with your name. [Laughs]

I'd like to emboss her gourd.

♪♪ [Native american]

Barbra jean, we need to talk.

- What are you listening to?
- Oh, thanksgiving music... K-tribe.

- K-tribe?
- All navajo, all the time.

[Clicks off]

Hey, hey, we were
listening to that!

Barbra jean, I need something
to do. I'm going crazy in there.

Well, you could get a
ladder and get off my back.

Oh, I'll put some
ginger in the yams.

No, I put brown sugar in
the yams. Makes 'em sweeter.

Then the yams will taste
the same as the carrots.

Oh, no! We better call the
food police. [Laughs] [laughs]

I'm just saying, we want
a variety of flavors.

Reba, I know what I'm doing.

Fine. I'm takin' the
ginger with me.

Ahh, reba, with all due respect,

I am this close to putting
your gourd on the kiddie table.

Drop it. Give it.

Now run on back into the living
room so I can get back to work. Okay?

There you go. Great.

♪♪ [Resumes]

Get a little
hip-hopi. Okay, yeah.

All right, guys. Help me out
here. Is this really thanksgiving?

I mean, because with
the gourds and the

Artichoke dip and the
dip doing the cooking,

It doesn't feel like it.

No-o-o! Our football!

Okay, okay, okay. It's
thanksgiving to us, all right?

Us on the couch, football
on tv. Your team losing.

I'm gonna pound you. [Grunts]

Yeah. Oh, sure, it feels like that
with y'all, because it's your tradition.

Mine's in the kitchen!
But I'm not allowed there.

I can't be in here. I
got no place to be.

You know what? This
reminds me of those few

Years when my mother
made thanksgiving dinner.

You remember that? Grammy liz used
to just about drive you out of the house.

Oh, that's when I came up with
our traditional football game.

Anything to get away
from those smells.

I'm sorry guys. I
think it's the dip. Van.

The traditional football game. Guys,
when was the last time we played that?

My first year in the family. Remember?
You and I beat mr. H and your mom here.

- Was I on the winning team?
- You were two. You were the football.

The only reason you
guys beat us was because

Reba dropped the winning
pass in the end zone.

I didn't drop it!
You threw it high.

We'd love to have
a little rematch.

- Oh, is that a challenge?
- Not for us it's not.

Well, let's go! Hey, guys, I'm a
professional football player now.

- This wouldn't be fair.
- Yeah, but cheyenne's
on your team.

Oh, yeah. I call jake.
Loser has to eat a bug.

Ohh. Good. I'll pick you
a nice, fat one, buddy.

- I get to sing
the national anthem!
- [all groan]

Okay, time to
write your names...

On your gourds, everybody!

Where is everybody?

[Brock] yes! Victory is
ours. [Reba] whoo-hoo!

[Chattering, laughing]

oh, man. Hey, van, when
you get back to denver,

Be sure to tell your football buddies
that your mother-in-law whupped your butt.

Oh-h*! Gimme some right here.

- You let us live here. I let you win.
- Oh, yeah.

Thanks for the help, cheyenne.
You threw the ball right at me.

I'm supposed to.

All right, you two.
Don't fight. Oh, let 'em.

It finally feels like
thanksgiving. Let's eat.

[Jake] dad, I'm starving.
Wait, wait, wait.

[Brock] for what? This is my
favorite part of thanksgiving...

When we open that door and
we smell the turkey cooking.

So on the count of three, I want
everybody to inhale. One, two, three.

[Inhales deeply] ahh!

Ahh, I drooled a little!

Boy, it smells like dinner's gonna
be ready real soon, you guys.

Jake, uh-uh. Wash
your hands first.

- Aw, man!
- Go. Van, you too.

[High-pitched] aw, man!

Barbra jean, we're
back. Barbra jean?

"I left. Don't try and
find me. Barbra jean.

P.s. Don't worry.
I'm at my house."

Barbra jean! What are you doing?

Having a "carrotini."

We're out of olives.

Get your butt back
over to the house.

There's a lot of
thanksgiving traditions I'm

Givin' up, but I don't
want to give up eating.

- Where'd y'all go?
- We went to play football.

My team won. The other
team had to eat a bug. [Chuckles]

Van gagged a little.

- But nobody asked me to come.
- You were cooking.

But nobody thought
to ask me to come.

Well, I thought about it. Then
I decided not to. Feel better?

[Sighs] reba, if it'd been you,

There's no way that everybody would
just leave without asking you to come.

I mean, if we do
something without you, all

Anyone talks about is
how you're not there.

You're this really powerful
presence hanging over everything.

You're like patrick
swayze in ghost.

What's your point?

You're always the
center of the family.

And today, I just wanted to
be the center of the family.

That's why I didn't invite
you in the first place.

Barbra jean, do you know
why I'm the center of the family?

They're my family!

Just like when brock's mom comes
into town, she's the center of the family,

May she choke on her drambuie.

All right. Let me
put it to you this way.

Right now in our little world, I'm
the turkey, and you're the gravy.

But maybe someday when
henry gets a little older,

Maybe has a little brother
or sister, you'll be the turkey.

Well, where will you be then?

God willing, far, far away.

thank you, heavenly father, for
this blessing we are about to receive.

Thank you so much for taking care of our
family and keeping them healthy and safe.

You've been so
sweet to us this year.

thank you for the
wonderful food that we're

about to eat and for
this wonderful turkey.

And also for the gravy.

- Amen.
- [All] amen.

- Let's dig in.
- [Brock] who's hungry?

- I am! I am!
- okay, good.

- All right,
who wants white meat?
- I want a turkey leg.

White meat...
White meat's comin'.

Look at this bird.
Yeah, it looks beautiful.

acme! [Coughing]