04x11 - Diamond Jim Brady

[bunniefuu]

[Sighs] they should've
been here 20 minutes ago.

Reba, how do you expect
me to sketch you for

My art class when you
keep walkin' around?

now hold still.
Ooh, sultry. Yeah.

Very romance novel. I'm gonna
draw fabio standing behind you.

Barbra jean, that can wait. Did
van say how serious his injury is?

He just said it was his back. The team
was sendin' him home. Ooh, perfect.

Say "home" again.

Home. Barbra jean, go home!

Okay. Look, you guys, I don't have
very much time. Van's on his way in.

But listen, I have to warn you.
Do not make fun of his injury.

- Why? What is it?
- He broke his butt.

Well, he actually
fractured his tailbone, but...

Let's face it... He
broke his butt.

Guys, that is not
funny. I know. No. No, no.

Come on, reba. It's just that
we're relieved that it's not serious.

- Shh, shh, shh.
- [all] hey. Hey, buddy.

Hey, everybody.

S-so, it was your,
um... Your back, huh?

Yeah, the back... Backish.

- Hey, buddy, why don't you
come on and take a seat?
- No, thanks. I'll just stand.

Oh, honey, don't be silly.
You have to get off your feet.

Seriously, van.
Pull up a doughnut.

All right. You know
what? This is not funny. No!

No, it's not. Sorry. Sorry.

You're right. You're
right. Sorry 'bout that.

[Air hisses]

It has a leak.

Van, don't be embarrassed
about your butt ring.

When I was on the high school volleyball
team, I took a ball right to the eye.

Just whammo! You know?

And for the rest of the season I had
to wear these huge, bug-eyed goggles...

That everyone
made fun of. [Scoffs]

Would've been nice if
someone had mentioned,

I only had to wear
them during games. Heh.

Cheyenne, I wanna go
back to denver. Okay, no.

No, no, no. Wait. [Sighs]

Van's hurt, and in
this very tough time,

He deserves to be treated
with dignity and respect.

- Absolutely. Yeah.
- Thank you, mrs. H.

Now, if y'all had enough fun, I'm
gonna go upstairs and get some rest.

Okay, buddy. [Strains]

Hey, man, feel better.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

♪ Head, shoulders
knees and toes ♪

♪ Knees and toes ♪♪

Where do you think
that doctor is?

I don't know, but he better clear
me to play soon. The team needs me.

Well, don't you have that
second-stringy guy? [Scoffs] steve wurly?

Wurly don't do what van do.

[Cheyenne] hey. Sorry
about the wait, folks.

No problem. So, what's up, doc?

- I bet you hear that a lot.
- Not since the last time
you were here.

Yeah.

Hey, you know, I don't know
if it's from the massive dose...

Of x-rays you shot through
me, but my tailbone feels terrific.

Yeah, I'm sorry about all that,
van. The tailbone looks fine,

But there's something else I
needed to get a good look at.

whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't know if we need
to be showin' my mother-in-law my onion.

- It's not your onion. It's this.
- Whoa! You can't show that!

That's your spine.

Oh.

Have you ever heard of spinal stenosis?
It's a narrowing of the spinal canal.

Has anyone ever mentioned
this to you before?

My spine is getting narrow? Is that
why my pants have been feelin' looser?

No.

Stenosis is a fairly common condition. Most
people that have it never even know it.

So you're sayin'
it's not a problem?

Usually there's no problem
leading a normal, active life.

There is a problem, however,
if you're in a contact sport.

- Like football.
- What do you mean?

Well, no team
would take the risk.

A player could become paralyzed
because of this. They'd be liable.

If they had known about this, there is
no way they would've put you on the team.

Well, then don't tell 'em.

I have to tell 'em. They
sent you here, van.

Van? Who's van?

My name's wurly... Steve wurly.

Now, ladies, if you'll come with
me. Mrs. Wurly, mother wurly.

Hey. hey, buddy. hey,
guys, how was the drive?

Oh, we... We went by the park and saw
these little tiny kids playin' football.

And I thought, "children, stop.
Don't fall in love with this sport.

Your dreams are just gonna get ripped
to shreds like a bunny in a wood chipper!"

Actually, uh, you didn't really
think it. You... You kinda yelled it.

Good!

The truth should be yelled! Maybe
that's what I'll do with my life now.

I'll just wander around
and yell the truth!

But maybe not at little kids,
'cause they start to cry. Yeah.

Van, look on the bright side. The doctor
said this wouldn't affect your daily life.

You can still do all the things
that a regular person can do.

Mrs. H, I don't wanna
be a regular person.

[air hisses]

Dad, I hate to bring
this up, but I was hopin'

I could ask you some
financial questions.

We gotta figure out
what we're gonna do

Moneywise now that
van's not gonna be workin'.

Well, I can help.
When your dad was

Fiddlin' around with
that silly golf career,

I got quite good
at stretchin' a buck.

First of all, winning the
presto dry cleaner invitational...

Wasn't fiddling around.

Okay? And van is
still under contract.

He gets paid for the
rest of the year. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. So stop
worrying, you two.

Yeah. That's right.
Stop worrying.

Everything is just gonna be...

[Voice breaks] hunky-dory.

Come on, barbra jean. Let's see if we can
find somebody else for you to cheer up.

[Whimpers]

How sad.

Okay. Look, van, I am gonna go to the
pharmacy to pick up your prescriptions...

For those anti-inflammatories
and those painkillers,

Oh, and that topical
cream for your bottom.

Thank you!

So how's it goin' there,
buddy? Oh, never felt better.

I'm just sittin' here
trying to decide what

Kind of cigarettes
I'm gonna start smokin'.

Look, van, this is a tough situation,
and I'm not gonna pretend like it isn't.

But it's a mother-in-law's job to
point out the good in every situation.

Oh, I thought it was a mother-in law's job
to make butt jokes about her son-in-law.

We wear many hats.

Okay. Here's the good: you've had a great
career, you've got a wonderful family,

And now you get to find somethin' new and
exciting to do with the rest of your life.

But football was all I had.
That's what you think today.

You'll find somethin'. God never closes
a door without openin' another one.

[Quietly] lucky strikes.

What? Yeah.

That's the kind of cigarettes I'm
gonna start smokin'... Lucky strikes.

The irony will
just be magnificent!

No. Look, you'll get your
buyout from the team,

And that'll give you some
extra time to figure things out.

I... I wasn't gonna
say this in front of

Cheyenne, but there's
not gonna be a buyout.

You heard the doctor. This
was a preexisting condition. So?

So, I talked to my agent, and that
means the team doesn't owe me anything.

[Sighs] oh, boy.

Yeah. So much for
bein' hunky-dory!

No football, no money, no life.

All I have to look forward to
now is a lifetime of topical creams...

For my bottom!

You know who I blame for van
not gettin' paid? The lawyers.

Yeah, they run everything. And
they're in bed with the doctors.

Now, the people who
should be running things...

The dentists... Nobody comes to.

But aren't "the dentist" in
bed with "the dental hygienist"?

[Chuckles]

So no settlement, no job, great.
My life is... Is turning out perfectly.

Pretty soon I will have
achieved my dream...

Of being the prettiest
girl in the homeless shelter.

Come on, sweetie. You
put some money away,

And we'll do whatever
we can to help out

Until van figures out
what he's gonna do next.

Well, that's just it.
What is van gonna do now?

Ta-da!

Oh, good lord.
He's become a pimp!

Y'all wonderin' what I'm doing in a
rich guy's coat? Well, I'll tell you.

- I'm a rich guy.
- What are you talking about?

Talkin' about bein' rich, baby.

- The team gave me
the settlement!
- Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.

I thought they were off the hook
because it was a preexisting condition.

That's what their lawyer
was sayin', but my agent said...

They didn't find it when
I had my first physical.

And then it got kinda dull, and
then I dozed off. I don't know.

All I know is, when I
woke up, I was rich!

- [Cheyenne] oh, my god.
- I've gotta sit down.

So I don't have to pretend that it's
all gonna work out, 'cause it actually...

is gonna work out? Yes.

And mrs. H, your support
through this was huge.

You were my rock.

Come here.

I also would like to publicly apologize to
god for callin' him fat, mean and stupid.

[Mouthing words]

How much did you get? Guess.

Van... Wrong. A hundred grand.

Van? Don't joke. I'm not. I got a
hundred thousand bucks, minus the coat.

- Whoa. A hundred grand?
- Well, minus the coat.

Oh, van, don't take it off. I
have to draw you. Yeah. That's it.

Mrs. H, you were right. God does not
close one door without openin' another.

And sometimes, behind
that other door...

Is a guy holdin' a check with
a one and four zeros on it!

[cheyenne squealing]

One and four zeros is 10,000.

Uh, five. One and
five zeros, baby!

We're rich. I've gone from, like,
homeless to rich in, like, two seconds.

Rich is way better. I know.

I can finally get that
boat I've always wanted.

- You never wanted a boat.
- I know. I can finally want a boat.

You guys should
travel... See the world.

Knock it off. He didn't pick
that money off a tree out front.

It's to replace his salary.
This money should be invested.

I'm with mrs. H. Investing
is the way to go.

I just need to decide if I want to invest
in baseball cards or antique swords.

Antique swords. Antique
swords. Antique swords.

Invest in somethin' safe.

[Together] baseball
cards. Baseball cards.

[Mouthing words]

I came into some money once.

And I was all set to blow it
on a pair of diamond earrings,

Somethin' I'd wanted
since I was a little girl.

But I knew it was
foolish, so instead...

I used it to secure my future.

You are so wise.

I'm gonna draw you as an owl.

With fabio behind you.

Mom, what'd you
do with the money?

Put your dad through dental
school. Nobody say nothing!

Hey, mom, listen.
♪♪ [Out of tune chord]

I love that song. Yeah.

- What's that?
- Well, it's a guitar.

I realize it's a guitar, kyra.

They did teach us a little
somethin' in moron school.

I meant, where'd you get
it? Van bought if for me.

- Why would he do that?
- Yesterday, I would've said
it's because he's an idiot.

But today, it's because he's the
best brother-in-law on the planet.

Mom, you gotta come upstairs
and see the xbox van got me.

Okay, what's goin'
on? You can't use it up

There. You don't even
have a tv in your room.

I do now. I put it right next
to my new foosball table.

Don't break it. It's goin' back.

Yeah. I mean, why
would he need an xbox?

You can't write a beautiful song
about your mother on a xbox, like...

♪ I love my mommy, yeah ♪
♪♪ [out of tune chord]

Work on it.

Where's van? He's out.

Yeah, out of his mind.
Do you know he's out

Buyin' stuff like they're
gonna quit makin' it?

Uh-huh. Hey, mom, which one of
these cars goes better with my eyes?

You're lookin' at cars? yeah.

Yesterday, you were practically in
tears worryin' about not havin' any money.

Well, yesterday, we
didn't have any money,

But now we do, so I'm
not worried. I'm giddy.

- [Giggles] - no, no, no.
You don't wanna be giddy.

Giddy lives next door to reckless,
who shares an apartment with stupid.

Ta-da!

That coat looks so great
on you. I know. I know. Yeah.

Oh, sweet van.

I compliment him on
the coat, and he just

Took if off and gave
it to me... Like a movie.

Hope nobody compliments
him on his pants.

He's gonna get a new coat on the
way home from buyin' brock golf clubs.

that kid is generous to a fault.

Yes, to a fault.

He needs to use that money to
live on until he can find a new career!

Mom, there is
plenty of money left.

Cheyenne, this is just day one.
All that stuff has to go back.

[Hisses]

Do not... Touch... The coat.

- Give it to me. Give it.
- No. No. No.

Give it to me. No,
no. Come on. [Yelps]

Oh, hey, mrs. H. You
don't need to be doin' that.

If the carpet's dirty, I'll
just buy you a new house.

Well, that's awfully crazy of you,
van, but, no, thanks. We need to talk.

Okay, but my team's on the tv in
a few minutes. Hey, listen to this.

Somebody e-mailed them
and said they should all...

Wear a little sticker with my number
on it on the back of their helmets.

Okay, it was me.

Hey, where is
everybody? Well, let's see.

Cheyenne is lookin' at cars.
Kyra's up playin' her guitar.

Yeah. Brock's golfing. Jake's
playin' his new video games.

And barbra jean's
walkin' up and down the

Street in her new coat
yellin', "check it out!"

Good, 'cause I didn't want them to get
jealous that I got you your own pizza.

You got me a pizza. Mm-hmm,
with everything on it.

Van, I can't accept your pizza. Are you mad
'cause I didn't get you somethin' nicer?

We need to talk. Well,
I'm not talkin', unless you...

[Air hisses] ah...
Eat your pizza.

Who will blink first?

Yeah-eah-eah. I got you! You
should've seen your face. Mmm.

[Laughs] you're
hilarious when you pout.

Van, these are completely...

Oh, gorgeous! Oh, my gosh.

Well, you said you always
wanted diamond earrings. [Sighs]

Now you got them. I
don't know what to say.

Just say what's in your
heart, mrs. H. [Quietly] okay.

Have you lost what
little sense god gave you?

I think I've figured out why
you don't get a lot of gifts.

Van, you can't do this.

You can't rip through this money
like a bag of sour cream potato chips.

I'm not rippin' through it.


It's a hundred grand. You have
to pay a little thing called taxes.

You gotta pay taxes on that
money, and it'll be about half.

Half?

Yeah.

I thought bush was
lookin' out for us rich guys.

Half. And what's
left after taxes...

Will have to last until you figure what
you're gonna do with the rest of your life.

It's not to blow on a
bunch of dumb gifts...

And one gorgeous
pair of earrings.

What's goin' on?

I don't know. I guess I just liked the
way it felt when I gave people stuff...

The way they looked
at me with that look.

What look? That look
everybody used to give me...

When I had a good game
or got written about

In the paper... You
know, like I was a hero.

Oh. That look.

And now that I'm not playin' football
anymore, I'm not gonna get that look.

[Sighs] I go back to
bein' dumb old van.

I think I know a way you can get that
hero look without bein' diamond jim brady.

Me too... Rescue someone
from a burning building.

But there are never any
fires in this neighborhood.

You want people to
look at you like a hero?

Then be a hero. Do somethin'
heroic with your life.

Deal with this tough time that
you're goin' through. Find your way.

I don't know what's gonna
happen to me, mrs. H. That's okay.

Heroes never do.

Now here. Why don't
you take these back...

[Lid snaps loudly]

Later.

'Cause right now, I'm gonna run up
and down the street with barbra jean.

Check it out! [Chuckles]

acme! [Coughing]