04x17 - The Pageant of Grandmas

[bunniefuu]

Hey, jake. Hey, mom.

Hey, man who could have
dropped jake off in the driveway...

Instead of coming into my house.

Yes, I could have,

But then I would
have missed this.

Go on, jake. First of
all, mom, I love you.

Jake, did you call your
teacher "big mama" again?

- Mom, you're so funny.
- Yeah.

Speaking of funny, what do
you think about beauty pageants?

Well, jake, I think beauty
pageants are fine for some people,

But you really ought
to stick with soccer.

Mom, stop! My sides.

We're having a fund-raiser at
school. It's a pageant for grandmas.

Oh! A grandma pageant.

Really. [Chuckles]

Little old ladies going up
on stage struttin' their stuff?

Mm-hmm. That is hilarious.

[Chuckling] yeah. Yeah, but
that's not the funny part.

I signed you up.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Mrs. H, I thought of
the perfect thing...

For you to wear at your pageant.

- Best of all, it's patriotic.
- What exactly could that be?

Red hair, white face,
blue hat... You are a flag.

Yeah!

Reba?

You've told me a thousand
times, and I've never listened.

You're right. I should
just keep my mouth shut.

I'm just apologizing in advance.

Guess what I am.

The new fruit in the
fruit of the loom?

Brock told me about the
pageant. Isn't it exciting?

What are you doin'?

I know that jake felt
obligated to ask you,

But I just wanted to show him...

What other options
were available.

After all, I am a step-grandma.

With the brains
of a "step-ladder."

Wow, barbra jean.

You look fantastic. Oh, this?

This was easy.

You know, just an
old pageant gown,

Some hair spray and makeup...

And three strategically
placed rubber bands.

[snap] [groans]

Two. Two rubber bands.

Five.

Yeah, we started
with five rubber bands.

Okay. Now, jake,

if you allow me to
represent you in the pageant,

I have several song options
for the talent portion.

now, first... And
a'one, and a-two!

♪ I'm a yankee doodle dandy ♪

♪ Yankee doodle do or die ♪♪

now something more sedate...

Like this.

♪ ave maria ♪

♪ gratia de maria ♪

Break it down, mary!

Yeah!

[Panting]

I need a beer.

[Clears throat] yeah,
right behind you.

Hey. Oh, no.

Did I miss mary breaking it
down? I could do it again.

No. Okay.

So anyway, somebody
ask me a question. Okay.

What's wrong with you?

I meant a pageant question.

What exactly is
missing from your life...

That would make
you enter a pageant?

That's a good question, bob.

I wanna be a role model...

Not just to grandmas, but
to all people everywhere.

Hey, now.

To show compassion
for the human race...

By visiting children's wards,

Volunteering at
retirement homes...

And reading to the eyeless.

- You mean to the blind?
- No.

I mean the eyeless who can see.

Okay, gee whiz. [Laughs]

Wow, barbra jean. Your
speech was really good.

And you sure do know how to tap.

Yeah, but tap-dancing to that
song was just a little disrespectful.

now, if you wore a
nun's costume, that...

No. You know what? I hear
that's a tough habit to break.

No, you're right, jake,
she would be great.

But you know, you kind of
already did ask your mom,

And, well, if
barbra jean's in it,

She's gonna make
my life miserable.

Actually, brock, as I recall,
you picked me first too.

So, mom, you don't care if
barbra jean takes your place?

No, she doesn't care. You
don't care, do you, reba?

Oh, not at all. No, no. Barbra jean is
really good at these sort of things.

Truly, she's a natural.

So, jake, you pick
whichever one you want,

And it won't hurt
my feelings at all.

Well... [Whispering]
pick me, pick me!

I guess I pick barbra jean.

Yes! Ha, ha, ha!

I mean, thank you,
and I hope I can live up...

To the confidence and
expectations you have in me.

Okay.

Well, looks like I'm
out of the pageant,

So I'm gonna go
have me some pie.

[Chuckling]

Mom, what are you doing? You can't
let barbra jean enter that pageant.

Why not? Old people
need to laugh too. [Cackles]

Jake wanted you
to be in the contest.

That's why he came
up with the idea.

What are you talking about?

It was his idea for
the fund-raiser.

He told all his buddies
that you were gonna win...

Because you're the youngest,
coolest grandma. He did?

Yeah, and he's a hard-enough kid
to like without them seeing that.

Oh, man! I didn't know it
was so important to him.

Of course I'll do it.

Hey, reba, do you
have any juggling pins?

Yes, barbra jean. They're in
the backyard under the big top.

You won't need 'em, barbra jean.
I've decided to enter the pageant.

Well, that's okay.
You don't have to.

I think it's important
to jake that I do it.

Well, what I think is
important to jake... [Chuckles]

Is that somebody win,

And let's face it, I
have a better chance.

Really? And why
would you say that?

Well, because I have experience.

I have won four beauty
contests already...

Miss value mart,
miss knox county p&e,

Miss tastee freez,

and a wet t-shirt contest
down in galveston.

[Pops lips]

Why is it the stuff that
normal people try to forget...

You brag about?

Reba, try not to think of it
as you not being in the contest.

Think of it as me saving you
from making a fool of yourself.

Do you have a full-length
mirror in your house?

Reba, you have a
great many talents.

You make a nice
omelet. [Giggles]

But in this, you're
out of your league.

Barbra jean, I'm
entering this pageant...

Because I don't want
to disappoint jake,

But I'm gonna whip your butt.

That will be the
icing on the cake.

Oh, well, bring it on, peaches.

Bring it... on!

hey. I thought I'd wear my
cousin's dress in the pageant.

She got married
three times in this thing.

It's lucky.

Mom, you're gonna
be in a beauty pageant.

You have to wear something, you know,
flashy. Something that catches the eye.

Or turn your head into
a flag. I'm telling you.

I'm sure if we look way in the back of
your closet, we can find something sexy.

Cheyenne, I've had
three children.

The only thing sexy in my
closet is an old nursing bra.

- Hey! Not in front of me.
- We'll go shopping tomorrow.

But have you thought about what
you're gonna do for your talent routine?

Yes! I'm gonna do
a comedy routine.

Oh, merciful god, no.

Look, I've been watching a lot of
late-night comics, and it looks easy.

All I need is a little practice,
and I can be as funny as they are.

So sit back, shut up and laugh.

Might want to work
on your intro. Yeah.

So it's great to be here
with you tonight. [Laughs]

You know, I'm divorced, so I'm
back in the datin' world again.

Datin'... Wow!

How many of you here
are... Are single tonight?

[Whispering] one, two,
three, four, five.

So you know what I'm
talking about. [Laughs]

So, new york... Wow. [Laughs]

How many of you are
here from new york?

[Mouthing words]

Man, cats and dogs
sure are different, huh?

[laughs] you suck!

I'm sorry, mrs. H, but that's
what they do at the clubs.

Mom, no offense, but I really... I
don't think stand-up's your thing.

Well, I can't do anything else.

Comedy's all I know.

We have our work cut out for us.

[No audible dialogue]

[No audible dialogue]

[No audible dialogue]

[No audible dialogue]

Come on in, mom.

Cheyenne, I feel
overdressed... For vegas.

Mom, you look
fabulous. Thank you.

And considering what you
did look like, I'm brilliant.

Okay, I have to go. I
found a set of teeth.

- Hello, reba.
- Barbra jean.

Oh. Oh.

Mew. Mew.

I like your speech.

Makes you sound smart.

I'm practicin' my elocution.

One more weapon in my
arsenal with which to defeat you.

You. You.

I feel like I'm staring
into a fish tank.

Hey. I got your stuff, honey.

The, uh... And, uh... Yeah.

Hey, reba. Hey.

Listen, you two, I want
you to remember something.

This pageant is for the school.

It's not a competition
between the two of you.

So no matter who wins or loses,

The most important thing
is, don't take it out on me.

Ha. The old vaseline trick, eh?

[Laughs] you
newbies just k*ll me.

Hope you know if you
put too much of that on,

Your lips get all slippery and
you start to slur your words.

[Slurring] thanks, but I can
handle this on my own.

♪♪ [orchestra]

[man on p.a.] Ladies and
gentlemen, please take your seats.

The pageant's gonna start soon.

Shouldn't you go
change? [Chuckles]

Shouldn't you apply some
more rubber bands? [Chuckles]

Shouldn't you go...
Shouldn't you go...

That was the good one.

Okay, I'm looking
for grandma hart.

- Oh, that'd be me.
- That's me.

I'm sorry, but we can only have
one grandma for each family.

So which of you is going
to represent the harts?

- That'd be me.
- Me.

Okay. Why don't you two work it
out, and I'll check back with you.

Okay.

If there's only gonna be one
of us, that one is gonna be me.

Oh, well, I don't think
so. That crown is mine.

I'm elizabeth's real grandma. You're
just a crazy woman who married grandpa.

But I have to be in this one.

Why?

How many to you have
to win until it's enough?

- One.
- What?

You heard me.

I just wanna win one.

Wait a minute. What about
all those other pageants?

I thought you were miss
frozen meats or something.

It was miss tastee
freez, and I came in last.

I always come in last.

Even at the wet t-shirt contest.

How was I supposed to
know it was a g*y bar?

Well, if none of 'em
ever worked out,

Why the heck did you want to enter
another pageant? Well, I figured...

I could finally whup a
bunch of old grandmas.

I didn't figure that one of those
old grandmas was gonna be you.

- Who's gonna vote for me
if you're in the contest?
- Barbra jean...

You know,

Ever since I was a little girl,

All I ever wanted to
be was a beauty queen.

They were...

They were like...
Beautiful queens.

But in real life,

They were just small-town girls
that worked at the piggly wiggly.

Just like me.

So, do we have a
grandma hart yet?

Yes. It's her.

Good. Ladies, we'll be filing
on stage in just a minute.

Reba, why'd you do that?

Because I know how
much it means to you.

You'll be great,
barbra jean. Thanks.

Oh. Excuse me.

Just between us grandmas, I am
hotter looking than she is, right?

Good luck.

Oh, man. It feels so good to
get out of those high heels.

Oh, tell me about it.

[Clears throat] ladies
and gentlemen,

Presenting the reigning queen...

Of the parker elementary
school pageant of grandmas,

Mrs. Barbra jean hart.

Thank you. Thank you.

That's the way she's gonna enter
every room for the next six months.

I'm very happy for
you, barbra jean.

Oh, honey, can
you get me a soda?

What took you guys so long?

We had to stop and buy a tiara.

Hey, they should
have had one. Yeah.

Here's your pie,
van. Oh, thanks.

Hey, can you get me a
soda? What am i, your wife?

Hey, jake, you okay with it that I
didn't get to enter the contest?

Yeah. It was way better that barbra
jean entered. She was awesome.

Oh! My friends
thought it was so cool...

When your baton lit
the curtain on fire.

Those old ladies sure
can run, can't they?

acme! [Coughing]