04x18 - Reba's Rules of Real Estate

[bunniefuu]

Reba, I got your message
that you wanted to see me.

This is the first time
that's ever happened.

I got you a card.

I need your help. [Gasps]
that is so wonderful.

Oh! I should've
got a second card.

Monday morning I have a job
interview with dolly majors.

Dolly majors?

The real estate agent whose
face is on every bus bench in town?

Oh, reba, she is bigger than
that lawyer, mr. Accidente.

I know. And since you're
my only real estate

Client, I need a letter
of recommendation.

Oh, I'd love to.

Oh, I already have three poems
about you that I could use.

Reba's hair is red.
Violets are blue.

If brock ever left
me, I'd marry you.

[Mouthing words]

Actually, I took the liberty
and typed something up. Oh.

All you need to
do is sign it. Okay.

You can leave off the smiley
unicorn, if you don't mind.

[jake] heads up!

I'm on it. Go long. Stop.

Jake, get in here.
Yeah, but first go long.

Give that to me. Jake.

How many times do I have to tell
you not to throw things in the house?

Now, get outside and
play. But the sun, it burns.

Get.

This letter is so
cold and impersonal.

It sounds like we hardly
even know each other.

I know.

You know, this doesn't fully
represent what is in my heart.

So if you don't mind, I'm gonna
give it the barbra jean touch.

[doorbell rings] had to call
her. Had to invite her over.

You got rocks in your head,
reba. That's what you got.

I'm serious, barbra jean.
This interview is huge.

And I only have two
days to get ready for it.

Hi. I'm dolly majors.

But... But I thought the
interview was monday.

Rule 1 of real estate:
expect the unexpected.

I like to schedule an interview one
day, and then just pop in on another.

I'll tell miss reba you're here.

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

- I-it is okay that
I popped in, isn't it?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's fine.

It's just I'm not dressed,
and the house is a mess.

Couldn't we schedule
a time for you to pop in?

Well, then I wouldn't get to
see who you are under pressure.

And so far, you're as jumpy
as a flea on a hot brick.

No, I'm... I'm fine.
Come in. Sit down.

I'm sorry the house
is so messy. I have kids.

[barbra jean] reba?
she's not one of 'em.

- Oh. Hello.
- Hi.

If you don't leave now,
this'll be the moment

You'll regret for
the rest of your life.

Hi. I'm barbra
jean. Dolly majors.

Oh, my gosh. It's like
lookin' in a tiny mirror.

Yeah. Dolly popped in just as
you were poppin' out. Bye-bye now.

Reba, are you
kidding? This is perfect.

Why write a letter when I can give
dolly my recommendation in person?

'Cause you're less crazy on
paper then you are in person.

[laughs] now, dolly.

reba sold a condo for us,
and I just have to tell you,

She is the best real estate agent in
the world. Well, that is good to know.

She's not through talkin'.

Now, brock and I wanted to help
her out after she lost her job.

She didn't actually
lose it. She got fired.

She called her
boss a monkey's butt.

She's kind of got a little
problem with her temper, you know.

See? I bet you dollars
to doughnuts this

Would not have come
up in my office on monday.

Cheyenne, quit nagging me about
not workin'. I just got paid $25.

That means selling my
blood counts as a job.

And who is this
ambitious young man?

I'm... I'm-i'm van. And...
I'm a little dizzy.

Oh, my gosh, it's dolly majors.

This is so weird. Mom has an
interview with you on monday.

[chuckles]

It's been rescheduled
to right now.

Oh. Oh. Okay, well, we'll
get out of your hair.

Thank you. Yeah, we don't
wanna blow this for you.

Yeah. 'Cause let's face
it, it's a long shot anyway.

You know, we are just so appreciative
that you've given her this interview.

I mean, who else would give a woman her
age with no experience a chance? [Laughs]

Oh. Knock 'em dead, mrs. H.

Yeah, good luck. Oh,
sorry about that, doll.

♪♪ [loud rock]

[Shouting] what's that?
That's her daughter kyra.

Yeah, she's fallen prey to
the rock-and-roll lifestyle.

Van, tell kyra to knock it off.

[van] kyra, turn
down that devil music!

♪♪ [stops]

[Laughs] sorry
about that, dolly.

Well, you wanted to pop in,
see the real me. So, this is it.

It's also the reason, if you
hire me, I'll never go home.

Rule 2 of real
estate: be yourself.

Heck, I have an uncle floyd that
can spit his glass eye in the air...

And catch it on the
second bounce. Oh.

[laughs]

Well, dolly, she should be
herself, because she is great.

she's reba. She's
"unbelieve-aba."

You know, I only wish
she'd been a real estate

Agent when I bought my
house down the street.

Wait. You did not buy that old
colonial house with the bad...

Uh, never mind.

With the bad what? Is there
something wrong with my house?

Oh, my god. Is it the roof?
Is it... Is it the plumbing?

Oh, toxic mold. Oh, my gosh, I've seen
that movie. That stuff can come to life.

Well, maybe... Maybe I
should sell my house.

Call me.

Thank you. Oh, god.
Thank you so much. Huh.

Oh, it's still warm.

If she moves, I'll
work for you for free.

Rule 3 of real estate:
always look for the sale.

Well, I just happen to be very good
at that. I'm a natural-born salesperson.

Really? Yeah.

I've been here five minutes. So far,
you haven't tried to sell me anything.

I'd sell you my kids but...

But nothing. I'd
sell you my kids.

Sell me your house.

But I kind of use
the house to live in.

Well, I know that. It's a test.

You wanna sell. Start sellin'.

My record to make a
sale is 30 seconds. Go.

You're kiddin',
right? Time's a'wastin'.

The little diamond's
catchin' up to the big diamond.

[Clears throat] okay.

- I'm not gonna sell you
this house.
- No?

No. Anybody can
sell you a house.

What I'm sellin' is, uh, a
place to raise your children.

A place where memories are made.

A place to... To
grow, to love, to live.

No, ma'am, I don't sell houses.

My name is reba
hart, and I sell homes.

And if I had a card, I'd pull one out of
my breasts and give it to you. [Laughs]

Rule 4: get to their
hearts, not their brains.

- You got the job.
- Oh!

- And you are gonna be the
prettiest woman in the office.
- Oh. Second to you.

Hey, we're not comparin'
apples and melons here. [Laughs]

But I got the job.

I got the job right here in my
livin' room in my sweatpants.

You know what? We
should celebrate.

I've been chillin' a bottle of champagne
just in case something good happens.

It's a few years old,
but it's still bubbly.

- Ain't we all?
- Yeah.

Hey, mom.

I was outside playing with
sticks like some kind of cave boy,

When I saw this on the
porch with my name on it.

Uh, that's from me. I
heard reba had a boy my

Grandson's age, so I
brought you somethin'.

That is so nice of you,
but you shouldn't have.

A weapon. Cool!

Oh, boy. A b.b. g*n
for a 10-year-old boy.

You really shouldn't have.

I learned to sh**t
when I was five.

How do you think my uncle
floyd got that glass eye?

I'm just kiddin'.

Kids are so overprotected
these days, don't you think?

Can I keep it, mom? I want to
sh**t a can off van's head.

Well, I don't
know. It... Please?

reba, one of my greatest
joys is givin' presents.

You are not gonna deny
your new boss joy, are you?

[Mouthing words]

No, of course not. And
what I was gonna say is,

I don't know any better way of celebratin'
than with a glass of champagne...

And... g*nf*re.

Uh, honey, I'm
gonna keep the b.b.'S.

And you take your g*n upstairs
and memorize all the instructions,

In english and in spanish.

Dolly, make yourself at
home. My house is your house.

Just don't sell it, okay?

Mom, van came into the garage
and told my band to shut up.

Yeah, write a song about it.

Kyra, honey, I just needed you
to stop playin' long enough...

For me to get this
job, which I got.

Way to go, mom. How'd
you do it? Was it pity?

It was pity, wasn't it? You
are so lucky people pity you.

Hey, guys, go out and keep dolly
company while I get the champagne.

Okay.

Mom, seriously, my band has a gig tonight,
and you said we could practice here.

Oh, honey, yeah, I did. But in my
defense, I'd had wine with dinner.

Can't you practice
at your dad's?

Not since barbra jean learned
the words to our songs.

And bought a tambourine.

Well-well, look. You don't need to practice
your music. Just work on your attitude.

You know, how you
hate authority. [Snarling]

Well, I gotta tell you, dolly,
getting this job is a dream come true.

- Oh, we're excited too.
- Look at me. I'm shakin'.

- [cheyenne laughing]
- who's ready to celebrate?

We are. We're buyin' a house.

[Pops]

[Screams]

You sold van and cheyenne
a house? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

"It's another major sell
by dolly." That's her slogan.

You wouldn't believe where she
keeps these things. [Mouthing words]

Shh.

[Mouthing words]

Dolly, how did this happen?

I don't know. Somehow the
subject of real estate came up.

Yeah, and then she remembered this
house that was perfect for a young couple.

I said, "we're a young couple."
The next thing you know,

We're a young couple
of homeowners.

But you hadn't even seen it yet.

We don't need to see it, mom. The way dolly
described it, it was like we were there.

I just love the entryway.
Mm-hmm. Oh, me too.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, have you given any
thought to how you're gonna pay for it?

Of course. We're not clueless.

Whatever's left of my football
settlement will go to the down payment.

Okay. What about the
mortgage and insurance?

Mrs. H.

Red gold.

Yeah, but still, a new
house is very expensive.

Reba, it's not a
house... It's a home.

It's a place to grow,
to love, to live.

and puttin' young couples in a home of
their own is another one of my great joys.

[Chuckles] well, who knew there'd
be so much joy here today?

- [door opens]
- reba.

Why would you tell barbra jean that
our house is gonna come to life and eat us?

It wasn't reba. It was her.

Hi. I'm dolly majors.

Don't we look like
twins separated at birth?

Dolly, this is my
ex-husband, brock.

No! You can't be old enough
to have two teenage daughters.

Well, i... I work out.

A-anyway, about our house, i...

Speaking of houses, van and cheyenne
are buying a house of their own.

Yeah. Isn't that great?

- Huh?
- Don't stop by
without calling first.

Nope. Okay.

Reba, can we see
you in the kitchen?

Sure. This is such a happy occasion,
we're gonna need more champagne.

Or somethin' stronger.

Seriously, you
could be my mini-me.

Reba, why didn't you
stop that woman?

Because she's dolly
majors. She's unstoppable.

- Oh, come on. She's only human.
- With a smile that could
light up broadway.

She's my new boss.
If I ruin that sale, I

Could lose the job I
haven't even started yet.

We have to do something. We
can't let those two buy a house.

Brock, you're the father. Get in there
and forbid them from buying that house.

[Murmurs] oh, oh,
oh. Wait, wait, wait.

Be careful. Dolly's smart.

Oh, yeah? And what am i?

Be really careful.

And don't worry about furniture. You
just borrow more than the house is worth...

And then spend the extra
money on whatever else you need.

oh.

We should borrow
three million dollars.

We'll be rich.

All right, van, that's
enough. Cheyenne.

Your mother is completely
supportive of this deal.

But as your father,
I'm afraid I'm against it.

You keep sayin' it, and
I can't believe it's true.

You are actually her father?

Well, if you're saying "nice job
on the moisturizing," thank you.

Why don't we talk about this
over a glass of champagne?

Not that you need any more
sparkle in those blue eyes.

[Chuckles] well, I guess
one glass couldn't hurt.

Man, I hope brock
can handle this.

Sometimes when he gets around chesty
blondes, his brain goes on the fritz.

I'm not worried about her.

When you got a big gulp at home, you
don't go lookin' to sip from a thimble.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Well, how'd it go? Great.
We're buyin' a vacation home.

[Gasps] what?

Yeah. Oh, my gosh.
Is it a beach house?

Can I sunbathe à la mode?

Brock, how did this
happen? I don't know.

Her voice took me to a
place where the angels live...

With golf course access. Yeah.

Okay. Clearly this situation
needs to be handled...

By the only person
here with a lick of sense.

Is someone comin' over, reba?

Me. Now get out of here before
she sells you a piece of the moon.

Yeah, come on, barbra jean. Let's find a
map and figure out where costa rica is.

[Trilling]

So I can sublease
warehouse space...

And have a place for my band
to practice whenever I want?

You betcha. How much
is your allowance?

Kyra, you silly.

You don't need a warehouse. Honey,
my garage is always open. But you said...

I said get out there in the
garage and rock and roll, dudes.

- It's getting late. We'd better
go sign those offer papers.
- Oh, yeah.

Boy, this sure does
bring back memories.

You know, I remember my
first new home. [Chuckles]

Your dad and I had jobs
and we were makin' money,

But still there were a hundred
things that could go wrong.

like a leaky roof and
the plumbing and ants.

Oh, lordy, those ants.

Well, wh-wh-what about
spiders? Oh, lordy, those spiders!

I hate spiders.

But you love the entryway.

Yes, I do.

Oh. Cheyenne, I'm having
conflicting thoughts.

You know I only
like to have one!

What are we gonna do?

Honey, maybe we should just
take our time and think about this.

I think she's right. You two
should not jump into buying a house.

- They shouldn't?
- Of course not.

They should consult other
professionals in their area.

- I think that's a good idea.
- Like you, reba.

- I think that's a bad idea.
- Don't get shy on me now.

I consider you a valued employee, even
though we haven't signed the papers yet.

I'm happy with the
sale. Van's happy. Yeah.

But I wanna know
if you're happy.

- You think it's okay, mom?
- Well, I'd have to say...

I memorized el manual.

Can I have the
b.b.'S and a pumpkin?

No.

Can't have a b.b. g*n.

Can't wing a
frisbee in the house.

Were you ever a kid?

And no on the house too.

What? Mrs. H, I've already
decorated it in my mind.

At least let me have
the jungle room.

Look, I been lettin' everybody
do stuff that they shouldn't do...

Just because I didn't
wanna go up against dolly.

But that stops now.

You know what? She's right.

We're way too young
to be grown-ups.

Come on. Let's go
play with our baby.

You call that an
entryway? [Scoffs]

I guess I should
give this back to you.

Should I put that...
I'm-i'm just gonna hold it.

You just cost me a sale, reba.

Well, dolly, sellin' is
important. So are people.

And I don't think I could sell
to anyone, especially my kids,

If I didn't think it
was a good idea.

Even if it meant I wasn't
gonna get the job.

Well, I thought you
might feel that way.

I knew when I walked in that door you
were a person that cared about family.

And that's why I was
testin' you. You were what?

[Laughs] it was
another test. I do that.

Oh! You... You got me again.

You were testing to see if I
had character and integrity...

And the backbone to
stand up to my boss.

And you've got more backbone
than a beer-battered catfish.

Oh! Gosh.

So I got the job?
I passed the test!

No! You flunked. Excuse me?

Reba, you are amazin'.

I mean, life throws you cow
patties, and you grow a garden.

But, hey, this is business. It's a
business I started in my garage...

And built into the biggest
real estate empire in houston.

I don't need a good
person. I need a shark.

You're right. I'm not a shark.

I'm more like one of those
cute little fish in finding nemo.

I tell you what. I'm gonna recommend
you to any other agency in town.

Maybe a few years might
put some rough edges

On you, and then you
can come talk to me.

Oh, thank you very much. Hey, maybe
one of these days I'll sell you a house.

[Laughs]

Oh, I just love your
sense of humor.

You're just that good.

Bye-bye.

Yeah, I'm startin' to see the
resemblance between her and barbra jean.

acme! [Coughing]