04x21 - Help Wanted

[bunniefuu]

Hey, guys. Hey.

Long day at work, huh, ma? We
were gonna have dinner without you,

But then we remembered,
you're the one who cooks it.

Van, I work, you don't. Who
do you think should cook?

Well, I think it should be that guy on
tv who goes, "bam," but he's not here.

Are you tryin'
to get a whuppin'?

Something tells me you
haven't found your assistant.

Just make sure you check
all those references, mom.

Well, I've talked to all
their parole officers.

Well, a bunch of people called here
today. I've been on the phone all day.

Boy, unemployed people
are sure chatty. Yeah.

Well, I'm desperate. Does
anybody sound interesting?

Tell her about that guy that called
this afternoon. He sounded really good.

- He did? Tell me.
- Let's see. He's in his early


Sounded like a pretty cool
guy. He really wanted the job.

Oh, my gosh, that's him. That's
the guy! Oh, give me his number.

I don't think he left a number.
He had to. See if he left a message.

Okay, I'll go do that. Why
don't you start shaking a pot.

We gotta find that guy. How
much does a bounty hunter cost?

Wow. You're really
worked up about this, huh?

Cheyenne, you have no
idea what it's like out there.

One guy wanted two weeks off so
he could go back to middle-earth.

Oh, you know what?
I know what you do.

You dial star-69. It'll
call him right back.

Nobody used the phone
since he called? No.

Oh, my god. Yeah.

Hello. Don't hang up on me. My name
is reba hart, and I got a job for you.

And my name is van
montgomery, and I'll take it!

[reba] ha, hey!

♪ my roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ a single mom who
works too hard ♪

♪ who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ with gentle hands ♪

♪ and the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Okay, jake, since van's
gonna be workin' with me,

You're gonna be home alone
for about an hour after school.

- You gonna be okay?
- Don't worry, mom. I'll be fine.

I have everyone's phone number
and a box of matches to play with.

Well, on the plus side, the house will
be full with firemen when I get home.

Scoot.

I'm gonna be alone in
the house after school.

Tell some of your girlfriends
to stop by. [Clicks tongue]

Van, hurry up! We're
gonna be late for work.

You know the boss shouldn't have
to say, "get outta your pajamas."

So, it's true, mom?
You actually hired van?

Yes, I did. You know, maybe I should've
thought about it for a moment more.

But, you know, give the
family a chance, right?

Van's better than nothin'.

Right, kyra?

You'd be better off putting a tie on a
monkey and letting it loose in your office.

Come on, van. Let's go!

Van, come on.

Van montgomery at your service.

Well, hello, little lady. Would
you like to buy a house? [Laughs]

Seriously, mom. [Chittering]

Van, you're not sellin' houses.

You're my assistant, who happens
to be late for his first day of work.

Oh, come on. I'm golden. I'm
married to the boss's daughter.

There he is. Hey, van.

I brought you a little something
for your first day on the job.

That's my very
first briefcase. Wow.

Yeah. It must be a
hundred years old.

It, uh, smells like socks.

Yeah, I used to carry my workout
gear in there back in the '80s.

You know, I was the only
straight guy at jazzercise.

Ah!

So, reba, very smart.

Hiring somebody in the
family that you could trust.

You know, especially somebody
who can type 80 words a minute.

What? I can't type that fast.

Oh, no. Wait a minute.
That's me. [Chuckles]

Van must be the person in the family who's
taken several computer classes at the "y."

Oh, sh**t. No, that's me.

[Sighs] c.p.r. Class? Me.

License to operate
a backhoe? Me.

Barbra jean, the reason I didn't
ask you if you wanted the job...

Is because you said you always
wanted to be a full-time mom.

Oh. Thank you for respecting
that. you're welcome.

- So that's the only reason
you didn't hire me?
- Yes.

That and the
you-being-crazy thing. Oh.

Well, you two have fun.
I'm sure it'll be great.

Oh, absolutely. Unless
somebody has a heart attack...

Or needs me to
dig a trench. [Laughs]

I'll keep my cell on. Yeah.

Well, are ya excited, van?
You ready to get started?

You bet. But you know what?
This morning is practically shot.

Can we just go
straight to lunch?

Well, the morning
is practically shot...

Because you didn't get outta bed
until I put that waffle under your nose.

So it wasn't a dream.

Look, van, I need you
to take this seriously.

This is more than just a
job to me. It's my career.

- And what you do
reflects on me.
- Got it. Okay.

In that case, I'm gonna need
another half hour with the hair dryer.

No, you're fine. No. Listen.

All you need to do is remember
the three p's to be a good employee.

Wow, good thing there
aren't two, or it'd be "pee-pee."

Punctuality, preparedness
and professionalism. Got it?

Got it. Okay. No, I wasn't listening.
I was still thinking about my hair.

Here, let me get it
for you. Now let's go!

Hey, mom, I'm gonna ride
my bike down the stairs.

What's that? You're at work?

Sweet.

Hey, jakey. I thought since we were both
alone, we could spend some time together.

Now's not the best
time, barbra jean.

Jake, you are not gonna ride
that bike down those stairs.

- It is too dangerous.
- That's what makes it fun.

Haven't you ever done
anything dangerous?

Well, no.

My parents were really strict and
mean. They never let me do anything.

I don't see your parents around.

[Chuckles]

Now remember, barbra
jean. If you crash, go limp.

Yeah.

All right, on three.

One, two, and...

I tried to stop her.
The woman's insane!

You wanna go first?

You know, that's the least
crazy thing I've seen all day.

'Cause I get to
work with van. Yeah!

yeehaw! [Clattering on stairs]

Yeah! Yeah!

So, reba, things didn't
go well with van today?

Kyra was right. I
should've hired a monkey.

Oh, reba, you can't.
The laws are so strict.

I could just k*ll van.

I was showing this house to a
couple for, like, the fifth time...

When van comes
in... Late... Mm-hmm.

Grabs a couple of beers
and says to the husband,

"Hey, dude, you wanna go
outside and sh**t some hoops?"

Men and ba*ls. Bur-du-burp-burp.

[reba] oh, cheyenne, honey.

I think I'm having second
thoughts about your husband.

Too late. You should've
piped up at the wedding.

Cheyenne, he started to interfere with my
clients. I think he cost me a sale today.

Look, mom, I have got a lot going on.
For eight hours a day, he's your problem.

Fine. [door closes]

When van gets home, we're
gonna have a long chat. yeah.

Because I will not allow him to
be out there making me look bad.

i... Sold those
people the house!

[Grunting]

- What did you say?
- I said, "I sold
those people the house!"

Van, you couldn't have sold them that
house. You were outside playing basketball.

That's how I did it. I didn't
want him just to buy the house.

I wanted him to buy the
neighborhood, the lifestyle.

That's how that guy
sold me the kayak.

Well, that's just...

Wow. Good for you.

Good for us. I couldn't have done
it without you distracting his wife.

Well, maybe me showing
the wife the house...

Did have something to
do with the decision too.

Nah, after you left,
she was against buying it.

But then I showed cindy the
garden, and she was hooked!

You see, mrs. H, you
gotta know your buyer.

For tony and cindy,

Shootin' hoop and
having a few beers...

Made that house feel like
that could be their home.

♪ Home, home on the
range where the... ♪

We were singing that.
I'm still kinda buzzed.

[Cell phone ringing]

Oh, hey. Ah, that's
tony and cindy.

Hey! Talk to big
daddy van. Yeah!

Reba, are you okay?

Your... Your face is
starting to get all red.

It's starting to
match your hair.

No, I'm fine. I'm happy for van.

I think it's great that
he can just waltz in,

Make a sale without even trying after I've
done all the groundwork for two weeks.

- Well, you don't sound happy.
- Well, I am!

Well, all I know is that
if my son-in-law did this...

Well, which would be weird,
because, you know, I only have a son,

Which would mean henry
would have to be g*y, you know...

I mean, I'd love him just
the same, you know.

But I don't think
he's g*y, you know.

But he sure does
know his colors.

I'm gonna go home.

Okay, jake, if I can't trust you at
home, I'm gonna hire a babysitter.

Cool. Babysitter's are hot.

I don't like this age. Go
on upstairs to your room.

Howdy, partner.
Hey, check this out.

"Montgomery-hart, 'cause
you gotta have... Montgomery."

See what I did there? You thought it was
gonna read "'cause you gotta have hart."

I went the other way.

Well, I would've gone the normal
way, but then again, I'm normal.

- What's this for exactly?
- We could be partners.

[Chuckles] no, we really
couldn't be partners...

Because you really don't
have your real estate license.

- Eh, details.
- Ha! Not details. It's the law.

That is what's so great. You
know the law and I don't care.

Van, being a real estate agent
is hard. Not everybody can do it.

Are you forgetting
that I sold a house?

Are you forgetting that I
own the house you live in?

Hey, van. How'd work go? How
many houses did you sell today?

Still just the one.
But the big news...

Is that mrs h and I
are gonna be partners.

Partners? I hope you're
talking about fighting crime.

No, and we're not
gonna be partners.

But, mrs h, we'll work
so great together.

You come in all stern and technical,
like, "grr. Look at the closets.

Look at the square footage."

And then I come in all cool.

"Hey, I'm van. What's
up? Wanna buy a house?"

And they do. You show the house.

I sell the house. You talk
'em to death. I sell the house.

I talk 'em to death, van?

Like talking about the school systems
and the plumbing and the roofing?

She can go on like
that for hours.

Hey, van, you may be
misreading the situation.

No, I'm not. Are you guys
forgetting that I sold a house?

No! Because you
won't let us forget it.

You... Ripped my flier.

We're not gonna be partners.
We're never gonna be partners!

In fact, I'm goin' the other way.
You're fired. You're firing me?

- This just came
out of the blue.
- No, really, it didn't.

I had it doodled all
over my day planner.

All right, fine. Fine. I'll
get... I'll get another job.

Maybe I should find something that
I'm not good at so no one gets upset!

[door slams]

Well, reba, what happened there?

I mean, don't get me wrong.
I'm happy it wasn't me for once.

But still...

I don't know. I wanna
be happy for him.

I should be happy for him! I mean,
he's my son-in-law. He did a great thing.

- Yeah. And?
- And part of me wants
to be happy for him.

And the other part wants to
just smack him upside the head!

Look, it's totally understandable
that you're a little bit jealous.

I mean, he made a quick sale.
He's young. He's good-lookin'.

He eats like a pig and
stays in marvelous shape.

I mean, if I weren't exactly like
him, hey, I'd wanna smack him too.

Yeah.

So you don't think I'm a terrible
person for feeling this way?

No. [Sighs]

It's just that it's so easy
for him and so hard for me.

I have a lot ridin' on this.

Sometimes I lie in bed
at night and wonder

What's gonna happen
if this don't work out.

Remember when I got out of college
and we started the dental practice?

Yeah. I was nervous. I made mistakes.
You remember what happened?

We got that
malpractice insurance?

[Chuckles] no, I relaxed and
everything worked out.

Okay. You're just
too uptight. I mean,

Van sold that house
because he was relaxed.

He was just being himself.
And people can sense that.

So you think I oughta be
more like van? Well, yeah.

Oh, come on, brock! I got three
important appointments tomorrow.

I can't act like some
surfer on cough medicine.

You don't have to act like him. You
just have to think like him. Give it a try.

No. Okay, fine,
fine. Don't change.

Be all, "grr. Look
at the closets."

Okay, fine. I'll think like van.

Ow, that hurts. [Chuckles]

Just make your mind
go completely blank.

Hi. I'm barbra jean.

[knocking]

Van, it's noon. Get
up. Rise and shine.

Oh, man. I was
dreamin' about waffles!

Come on. Get up. Get a tie
on, boy. We got work to do.

- I thought you were mad at me.
- Why would you think that?

Because you yelled at me,
fired me and tore my flier.

I'm sorry about that, van. I
was feelin', well, insecure.

And I was takin' it out on you.

But I don't feel that way anymore, 'cause
you know why? I sold a house this morning.

- What? You?
- Yes. Yes.

I got to thinking that you don't
take anything seriously, and so I didn't.

And it worked.

Can you believe it? You
taught me something.

Look, I'm sorry about all
that stuff I said yesterday.

Turns out that we could
really be a good team.

So montgomery-hart
is back in business?

Well, hart is. Montgomery
is her valuable assistant...

Who has lots of talent,

But needs to learn how
to act like a professional.

Oh, come on, mrs h. You're the only
one at the office that doesn't go for this.

[No sound] [grunting]

van, look.

You can have all the
good times you want.

But if you don't show up, act
like you know what you're doin'...

And be prepared, none
of that means anything.

That's something you can learn
from me. So get up, get dressed,

And let's sell, sell, sell.

We got a busy day today. We got
two open houses, a caravan, and a...

An empty liquor bottle.

Van, what's this?

Uh...

Well, i, uh... I was
gonna put a ship in it.

[Chuckles]

Van, is this why you've been sleeping
late and not showing up for stuff?

because having a
few beers is one thing,

But... Hiding bottles in
your closet is not good.

Yeah, but, mrs h...

I know. Van, look.

I know it's been pretty rough
on you since you left football,

But with this real
estate thing, I think you

Found something that
you can be really good at.

And that would just be plumb stupid
if you let this drinking mess it all up.

Okay. Van, you need to promise
me that this is gonna end.

I promise.

Good. So get dressed
and come on downstairs,

Because next time, it
won't be just a waffle.

It'll be the waffle iron.

Hey, ma. Hey, cheyenne.

So I just dropped
elizabeth off at day care.

What's wrong?

Is this your bottle?

What? Why would you
think that is my bottle?

Well, it's not mine.
And if it's not yours,

Then our three-year-old
has a major problem.

What's going on, cheyenne?

acme! [Coughs]