05x12 - Parenting with Puppets

[bunniefuu]

[Knocking]

Guess who's here.

Drumroll, please.

♪♪ [Drumming]
♪♪ [Maracas Shaking]

[Shouting] Wow. I didn't hear
you coming up the driveway.

Would have given
me time to hide.

Oh, we don't play it outside. That
would be rude to the neighbors.

Henry, you're a little loud.

Isn't he cute? Make
sure he practices, Reba.

Practices? Why don't you go
practice in the living room, honey?

There you go. Bye, sweetie.

Bye.

Barbra Jean, what
were you thinking?

Why didn't you just bring him
over here with a set of bagpipes?

Reba, drummers get
the chicks. [Chuckles]

Henry, can you stop
that for a moment?

Oh, he's in the middle of
a song. How can you tell?

Seriously, Henry. I'm
getting a headache.

The music will help you, Reba.

Just let it wash
over you. It's...

I don't want it to wash
over me. I want it to stop.

Henry, knock it off!

I guess the band
took a little break.

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

I cannot believe you
just yelled at my child.

That wasn't yelling. I was just
trying to be heard over the drum solo.

Well, you've very tough when you're
picking on a four-year-old, Reba.

Okay? Why don't you try picking on
me? All right? I'm not scared of you.

Okay. Maybe a little.

Look. He wasn't listening. I was just
trying to give him a little discipline.

Yeah, well, you don't
get to. He's not your son.

You discipline Jake.
Well, of course I do.

Jake is my stepson. Technically,
you're nothing to Henry.

Then why is he here in my house?

Why are you here in
my house? If I'm nothing

to the both of you, why
are you always here?

Well... We're here
because we like you!

Well, I'm sorry!

Okay. If you're gonna keep coming over
here... And who are we kidding? You are.

Then I need to be able to do
something about Henry's behavior.

Fine. But I insist
you do what we do.

In our house, we
reason with Henry.

You reason with him? Yes.

I'm guessing he
wins most of the time.

It's not about
winning and losing.

I mean, if I stuck my
fingers in my ears and

held my breath, I'd
probably win a lot too.

Oh, Barbra Jean. I hear
that same song and dance...

from the parent of every
kid that acts like a brat.

Oh. Brat? Yes.

[Chuckles] Okay, so now
you're calling Henry names?

So you're a yeller and a
name-caller, but Henry's the problem.

No. No, no, no. No. No. I'll
tell you what the problem is.

Oh. The problem is...

Great. That's just what your
brain needs... less oxygen.

What time is it?

[Together] Guy time! [Shouting]

Two men doing men things.
Getting the primal thing going.

So what is on the agenda today?

Something I guarantee
you've never done before.

Dwarf tossing. Is it dwarf
tossing? You did not rent a dwarf!

I had something a little
more dignified in mind, Van.

We are going to a day spa.

[Chuckles] Yeah, right.

What are we gonna do?
Get our nails done? [Chuckles]

Yeah. Manicure,
pedicure, massage.

They call it "the
gentleman's fancy."

Uh, Mr. H,

I know this question's a little
late in our relationship, but, uh,

are you g*y?

Men can care about
their appearance too.

You know, and we should be
secure enough in our masculinity...

to spend the day
getting pampered.

Yeah, but, Mr. H, I
need to do something...

that can get rid of all the tension and
aggression that builds up during the week.

I mean, when I used to play football,
I would get all of my frustrations out.

Then I got married.

And I had to bury it down deep.

That's why I need to go
bowling or toss a dwarf.

Trust me, Van.

The spa experience
will change your life.

Huh?

All right. All right.

But they don't mess
with your hair, do they?

'Cause Julio would
scratch my eyes out.

[Cartoon Playing On TV]

Jake, didn't I tell you you can't
have your bat in the house?

But what if we're attacked?

What if I tan your hide?

Then I can fight
you off with my bat.

Put it outside.

- Ding-dong.
- Yes, you are.

[Chuckles] Clever.

What would you have said if I
would have said "knock-knock"?

I would have said
you're a ding-dong.

- No drum, huh?
- That is correct.

This time, Henry is going
to act like a little gentleman.

But just to be sure, I am going
to give him a gentle reminder.

Observe... the Barbra
Jean method of parenting.

Yo, remember, Henry. The Notorious S.O.C.,
the first puppet of hip-hop, says...

yo, yo, yo, you gotta put
your best foot forward, okay?

No!

Now, Henry, "no" is a bad word.

That is why Mommy
doesn't say it.

Okay? So... So why don't
you just say "maybe"? Okay?

No! Okay. Just run
along and play. All right.

[Sighs]

What's wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong with
her, you rude lady.

[High-pitched Voice]
You're hurting me.

You smell like Brock's feet.

I am making discipline fun.

See, I communicate with
Henry using puppets and hip-hop.

I call it "Be Good in
the Hood." [Chuckles]

♪♪ [Imitates Beat
Box, Record Scratching]

Buh-buh, buh-buh,
buh-buh, buh-buh behave!

You're buh-buh, buh-buh,
buh-buh, buh-buh bananas.

Make fun, but it works.

See, if he behaves for a
day, he gets a blue sticker.

And with seven blue stickers,
he can trade it in for a star sticker.

And with four star stickers, he
gets to be the mommy for a day.

Well, my daddy used
to swat me with a switch.

And if I talked back, I got
upgraded to two more swats.

Well, that explains the temper.

[Chuckles]

No, Barbra Jean. That explains why, when
my daddy told me to do something, I did it.

Yeah, but that is so old-school.

Reba, there is a whole new
loving world of parenting out there.

No. No. There's a whole
world full of out-of-control kids...

because their parents
don't tell 'em no.

Well, Henry is
not out of control.

[Glass Shatters]
[Jake] Henry did it.

Tell your puppet to get a bruh-bruh,
bruh-bruh, bruh-bruh broom.

Okay, boys. What happened?

I was trying to put
my bat outside, and

Henry grabbed it from
me and swung it at me.

By the way, strike one.

[Gasps] Oh, Henry.
Why would you do that?

I-I-I didn't do it. Oh, Henry.

Reba, I am so sorry. I am
going to handle this right now.

Thank you. Okay.

Come here.

Now, Henry,

Mommy loves you, and we're
still gonna go get ice cream,

but...

if you ever do this again, I'm gonna
have to take away a blue sticker.

Okay? Now you consider
this your first lamp warning.

First lamp warning?

He did something bad.
He should be punished.

Reba, that is not the
way to handle this.

All the statistics show that
punishment does not work.

Your way only
encourages violence.

Violence? He just beat my
lamp to death with this bat.

And if he ever does it again,
he'll get the proper sticker penalty.

- Get out.
- What?

- Get out,
and take Chucky with you.
- [Gasps]

Reba, he is just a child. You cannot
blame him for something like this.

Oh, I don't blame
him. I blame you.

Bad behavior comes
from bad parenting.

Okay. You don't mean that.

I mean that, and I mean
this too. Time to go.

- Okay, well, I'm not leaving.
- I'll give you till
the count of three. One...

- Reba, we need to
talk about this.
- Two...

Okay, I'm not a child. Three!

Did you just spank me?

That's for talking back.

Okay, you know what?
We are out of here.

That's the idea.

Jake, have you seen the glue?

Elizabeth broke
Mom's picture frame,

and she's so mad about the
lamp, I know she's gonna freak.

So tell her Henry broke
it. That's what I did.

- What?
- Yeah.

I broke the lamp, Henry
took the fall. Sweet.

- Hey, guys.
- Mom, Jake broke the lamp
and blamed it on Henry.

Hey! You're my sister.

You're not supposed
to rat me out.

Jake, why would you do that?
Henry never gets punished anyway.

So I figured, why not blame him?

He gets ice cream.
I don't get punished.

It's all good.

No, it's not. 'Cause you're grounded
for a week for breaking the lamp...

and another week
for lying to me.

Two weeks? I have Josh's
birthday party next week.

You shouldn't have
lied to me. It's not fair!

You keep mouthing off at me, young
man, and you won't see your birthday.

I hate it here!

Yeah, and I hate that I have
to apologize to Barbra Jean.

What'd you do to Barbra
Jean? Oh, I spanked her.

What happened to
my picture frame?

Jake broke it.

Hey. So you did the
warm milk bath, huh?

How was that? Oh, man.

It was terrific. Yeah?

Hey, did you know if
you pass gas in milk,

the bubble takes, like,
forever to reach the surface?

You should try it in a mud bath.

I don't even know where it goes.

Oh, I'm really starting
to get into this, Mr. H.

Good guy time selection.

Thanks, pal. Hey, you know what?
You should start calling me Brock.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, I guess I could try that.

Brock. Yeah.

- It sounds weird.
- [Chuckles] Oh.

- You'll get used to it.
- No. I mean you have
a weird name.

Sounds like a parrot.

Brock. Brock.

See? I'm so relaxed,
that doesn't even bug me.

It's like a bird that
warns of danger. Brock!

- Brock!
- Yeah. Okay, Van. Hey, hey, hey.

- Brock!
- All right. Come on.

[Sighs] Oh.

So, Van, wasn't I right?

Isn't this great? Oh, you
know, I have to admit it.

I have kept my masculinity
intact, and my skin is glowing.

[Laughs]

I look like a god. [Chuckles]

Yeah. And you haven't
even had the massage yet.

Okay. I'm Robert.
I'll be your masseur.

Hank's running a little bit late,
guys. Make yourselves comfortable.

- I'll be right in.
- All right.

Uh, hello. I thought we were
gonna have women rub us.

No. No. Guys are stronger.

True. They're also guys.

Van, trust me. Look. You just
admitted that I'd been right so far.

Besides, what are you afraid of? That
if a guy rubs your back, you'll turn g*y?

No. But what if I like it?

Who's first? Him.

No, no, no. Van, you
go. Hank is my guy.

Okay, then. Any problem areas?

No. No. I just needed
to lie down. Thanks, Rob.

Van.

Look. Give him the
deep-tissue shiatsu. What?

Yeah. What? Hey.
Hey. Oh. [Chuckles]

Can we ju... Oh, it's... Ooh!

Ooh. There's a spot.

Ooh! Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

I'm gonna have Hank do a
little extra on my upper back.

I mean, my shoulders are all
knotted up from picking up Henry.

You know, kids are funny.

When I pick up Henry, then I pick up
Elizabeth, she feels light as a feather.

Yeah. She's just a little bit of a
thing, huh? But she's cute as a button.

Yeah. So is Henry though.

[Sighs] We're lucky to
have such great kids.

Yeah. I can't imagine
life without 'em.

But, you know,
they're lucky too, Van.

They've got two great
dads who love 'em.

[Sobbing]

Excuse me. Are you crying?

No. Well, you don't
have to stop rubbing.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just always get choked up when
I hear people talk about their kids.

It's, like, the one thing in my
life I really feel like I'm missing.

Yeah, well, you're young.
You got plenty of time yet.

Oh, I want to adopt,

but Peter worries it'll be
too hard for a child to...

grow up with g*y parents.

But look at you two.

Brock.

I mean, I realize people
could be hurtful and ignorant,

but, oh, we have...

so... much... love
to offer a child.

Meeting a g*y couple
who are so happy...

It's like a miracle.

You guys are perfect.

- Brock!
- Oh.

Brock! Van. Van.

You know, uh, Robert, uh,

we're not exactly, uh, perfect.

Yes, you are.

You're perfect because
you love your children.

That's all anybody needs to do.

God bless you.

Yeah, well, right
back at ya, Robert.

And it's so great that you two
still find time for each other.

That's the key to a
good relationship. Yeah.

Peter and I call
that our guy time.

Brock!

[Groaning] Brock!

Yes, Officer. I'd like
to report an as*ault.

Yes. My husband's
ex-wife spanked me.

Well, she's a redhead,
and I'm a blonde, but...

What does that have to do
with anything? [Door Opens]

She's here. Send help.

Hmm? Hmm?

It's okay, Barbra Jean.
I'm here to apologize.

Mm-hmm? Well, an apology won't take
the red marks off my snowy white bottom.

Oh, come on.

We both knew that the spanking
was coming sooner or later.

But you didn't deserve
it today, because

apparently Jake was the
one that broke the lamp.

Really?

Yes. As painful as it is for me to
admit to you that I was wrong...

And it is painful,
very painful...

I just think it's right that I
be very honest with you.

You deserve that. Oh.

Yeah. And I'm gonna start giving
Henry the benefit of the doubt...

because I'm sure that it was
Jake that did most of the stuff...

that I've been
blaming Henry for.

Oh, Reba.

Oh, this is why all my
clothes smell like Barbra Jean.

Get back. Oh, you
don't understand.

Jake's an angel.
Henry is the devil.

[Snarls]

- What?
- Oh, he's done tons
of awful stuff...

at your house that
we blamed on Van.

The overflowing toilet. The
oven. The dent in your car.

- Henry did that?
- With his head.

And he steals. Reba, here.

Here's that earring
you've been looking for.

I put it back three times,
but he keeps taking it.

Barbra Jean, you need to do
something to Henry when he misbehaves.

You have to discipline him with
something other than blue stickers.

Well, the blue stickers
are for when he's

good. The red stickers
are for when he's bad,

although I'm thinking of getting
rid of the stickers altogether.

You know, I might
just give him money.

You need to be firm
with him... Mean almost.

- Yeah, but then
he won't like me.
- Would you listen to yourself?

You're not supposed to be your
kid's friend. You're his mother.

It's your job.

Do you think Jake is very
happy with me right now?

He did something wrong, and I
had to punish him. I had to be strong.

Mmm.

Even though he told me
he hates to be with me.

Reba, Jake didn't mean that.

Well, the fact of the matter is
my little man is very mad right now.

And although I know
it'll pass in time...

[Voice Breaks] it's a
very hard thing to hear.

Oh, Reba, it's okay. I'm okay.

Just let it out. I know. I know.

Your little man, you
know... He loves you.

[Crying] I know he
does. Yeah. Oh, here.

Here you go. Here
you go. Here you go.

[Sobbing] You know...

Just like, you know, I know
that Henry would still love me...

if I had to tell him
no sometimes. Yeah.

Even though I know how much it hurts when
he's mommy for the day and he tells me no.

[Snorts] Oh, God.

Why is being a mother so hard?

I know. I hate it. You
know, I love it, but I hate it.

- [Both Sobbing]
- [Glass Shatters]

He's awake.

[Shudders]

Acme! [Coughing]