06x05 - The Break-Up

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music playing]
Oh, baby, those are beautiful.
It's not even our anniversary. Thank you.

-No, but, Cheyenne…

-Shh.


Don't ruin this perfect moment

by speaking.

"Still think we'd make a great team."
Baby, we are a great team.
"Sincerely, Steve." Steve?

Is your hairdresser

sending you flowers again?

No.

Steve Norris, Norris Realty,

the guy who offered me the job.


Well, he's still pursuing me, flowers,

football tickets, steaks from Kansas City.


Oh, man, you know they want you

when they send meat in the mail.


But I thought

that you turned down that job?


I did, but he keeps calling me

every day this week.

And I told him,

I don't want the luxurious company car,

or the huge increase in pay.


-But how huge? How luxurious?

-Oh!


-Enormous and plush.

-Ah! Oh.


The car has heated seats,

so when you sit down,


it feels like someone's

already been sitting there.


That combines two of your favorite things,

driving and a warm butt.


-I know.

-You must take this job.


You don't think I know that?

Of course I do.


-But how are we gonna tell your mother?

-Well, just talk to her.


She gave you her blessing once,

I'm sure she'll give it to you again.


But I swore on my loyalty to her,

and once you do that, you're in for life.


-Van, look, just talk to her.

-Quit riding me, woman.


I know I have to talk to her, but listen,

she has to be in a perfect mood,

so I thought about this.
I'm gonna do it after :,

after she's had her

first tumbler of bourbon.

Hey, g*ng. What's up?

Everything's good.

How you doing? What's going on?


Van has something

that he wants to talk to you about.

Not now, not now, later, not now.

-What is it, Van?

-What?

[laughs nervously]

Mom, Steve Norris

has been calling Van again.

Wait…

And they made him

a really, really good offer.

[sputtering] He… He…

-Uh…

-I really think that he should take it.


Oh! Hey, Mrs. H,

can I get you a tumbler of bourbon?


Van, is this an offer

you really want to take?

[laughing]
Yes, he does. We both do.
Well…
I hate to lose you.

We've really had some

great times working together,


but if this is what you want,

you have my blessings.


-Really? You're gonna be okay?

-Yeah. Absolutely.


I was fine before I hired you.

I'm sure I'll be fine now.


-Well, okay.

-Yeah.

Okay. We're not partners anymore.
No more girl talk in the carpool lane.
I don't know. I guess…

This is just a little

harder than I thought it was gonna be.

I'm gonna miss you, you knucklehead.

-Van, you're still gonna be living here.

-Don't look at me.

[theme song playing]

[Reba]
Ha, hey!


♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪


♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪


♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪


♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪


♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪


♪ With gentle hands ♪


♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪


♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Ugh!
Okay, you know Brock, right?

You think he's annoying,

you ought to meet his wife.

He is so frustrating.

You know, sometimes I think

you tricked me into marrying that man.

[laughing]
That would be weird, wouldn't it?

It's just… You know how I've always

been interested in broadcast journalism?


-Yeah.

-Well…


There's this great opportunity for me

at a local cable station, Channel ,

and Brock doesn't even want me to apply.

-Then go for it.

-Really?

Absolutely. And literally, I mean, go now.
Oh, Reba, you are so nice.
I'm so lucky.

Can you imagine if Brock had been married

to somebody I hated.

Oh, I know.

-Good morning, Mrs. H.

-Hey, Van.


Are you excited

for your first day on the new job?

Yeah. I slept in my outfit.
Can you tell?

-Nah.

-Okay.


-Hey, where's our client list?

-Out in the garage, why?


I'll call everyone to inform them

I'm switching agencies.


-So is it in your desk?

-Why would you wanna call them?

You're right. You call them.

Just let everyone know

that my new website is

www.vangotanotherjob

andisworkingforanother

agency.com. No spaces.


Van, I'm not gonna call my clients

and tell them to call another agency.

Then just call my half.
They're all my clients, you moron.

You know what, Mrs. H, that's not fair.

I worked really hard to get those people.


That folder got fat

because of my closer stare.


And as your former boss,

I thank you for that,

but I'm keeping my clients.
Oh!

You know what,

I take back my tearful goodbye,

and I give you a sigh of disappointment.
[sighs loudly]
And brush your teeth.

Oh, good. You're all here.

I wanna show you my audition tape.


Reba, Barbra Jean tells me

this was your idea?


Mostly I did it just to get her

out of my kitchen.


But if she wants to do

something productive with her life,

I think she should.
And I think you should support her.
Okay. Okay.
[exclaims]

Hi, everyone. I'm your new

meteorological minx, Stormy Clearweather.

Oh, dear.

I thought you wanted to go

into broadcast journalism?

Right. As a weather girl.

These days, with global warming,

we are the story.


This is gonna be so good.

Do I have time to call my friends?


-No!

-No!


Barbra Jean, do you even know

anything about the weather?


Oh, yes. I have a special way of knowing

when it's gonna rain.


When I was nine,

my mom gave me this BeDazzler,


and I festooned all the back pockets

of my blue jeans

with these beautiful metal studs,

and I would wear them every day,

until the big lightning storm of '.


And ever since then,

every time it's gonna rain,


I get a tingling sensation

in this area here.

You were struck by lightning?
There's the missing piece of the puzzle.

Shh. You guys have

got to see the rest of this.


-Okay.

-[Brock sighs]

[exclaims]

Now…


This weekend,

there's a high pressure system over Texas.

Which means it is gonna be smoking hot!
[crashing]
[glass shattering]
So, let's have a cheer for warm weather!
Give me an "H." "H."

Give me an "O." "O."

Give me a "T." "T."
What does that spell? Hot, hot, hot.
Yeah!

But before that

there's gonna be heavy wind.

But beware, something's tingling.

My special super buttrometer

tells me that this weekend,

it is gonna rain.
Back to you, Deborah.
So, what do you guys think?

-You know what my buttrometer tells me?

-Hey!

[Cheyenne] Go, go, go! Go, go, go!

-Cheyenne, don't move.

-What?

I have to pee.
Are you kidding me?

How could such a big body

have such a little bladder?


You know, when I get nervous

I have to pee.


And breaking into your mom's office

to steal her client list makes me nervous.

[imperceptible]

Every week when we watch that show

with Kiefer Sutherland,


you're like, "Man, Jack Bauer's so cool.

I wanna be Jack Bauer so bad."

You are so not Jack Bauer!

Jack Bauer only has

to worry about t*rrorists.


If he were up against your mother,

he would have to pee, too!


Please, Van, you would not believe

the stuff that I've pulled on mom. Okay.


Like faking her signature

on my report card.

You were never afraid of your mother?
No. Wait, see these earrings? Hers.

Yeah. I liked them, so she was sleeping

on the couch one night

and I just stole them right off of her.

You know, we are never gonna

find this list in the dark.

Oh, thanks.
[screams]

I can't believe you two.

This is the thanks I get.


With all I've done for you,

you try to stab me in the back?

No, Mrs. H, you have it all wrong.
When we came… God, I really have to pee.

Mom, the only reason that we're doing this

is because you treated Van unfairly.


What exactly did I do that was unfair?

Free room and board?


Complimentary laundry service?

The job I gave him?

No. No. Those are all good things.

Mom, that client list

is just as much Van's as it is yours.

Porpoise poop.

Mrs. H, you always

viewed our clients as family.


-Do you still believe that?

-Yes.

Then why wouldn't you want your family

to be represented

by the best possible realtor?


What are you saying,

that you're the better realtor?


-You really believe that?

-Well, Steve Norris seems to think so.

That's why they gave him the company car.
It's plush and I've got a warm tushy.

I don't care if they gave you a Winnebago.

I'm the better realtor.


-Afraid not.

-Yeah, Mom, afraid not.


You know what, I may have just come up

with a solution to this little problem,

but it won't be easy.
You interested?
Interested like a fox.
First one to sell a house gets the list.
What's so hard about that?

Not just any house, Van.

The Yablonski house.


-The Yablonski house?

-Yeah.


What's the big deal

about the Yablonski house?


Some say it can't be sold.

And I'm one of those some.

So, Van, you in or out?
Oh, I'm in.
I'm in like Jack Bauer…
with a small bladder. Excuse me.

Here's the living room.

It has two baths and a kitchen.


I think you've seen enough.

Why don't we go to the car and talk deal?


The house seems good, but this

is the fastest tour I've ever had.


I believe a house sells itself

in the first three minutes,


so why stick around.

Let's jog to the car. Come on.


-Can I see the bathroom?

-No, no, no, we gotta leave.

[airplane whooshing]
Sure, today you're on time.

-So how often does that happen?

-Oh, not often.

[airplane whooshing]
On the positive side,

if you enjoy peanuts and whiskey,

it's right around the corner.


-It is.

-Good luck.

Yeah. Thank you. Crap.

Whoa, what's the matter, Mrs. H,

client seemed to be in a hurry?

Must've had a plane to catch.
[laughing]

Laugh it up, funny boy. I'll find me

a client to sell this house to.

Well, it better be quick,

'cause I think I found someone

who's interested.

Mr. McGuire, this is Mrs. H.

-Hi.

-Hi.


Mr. McGuire is looking

for a house for his father.


-So what do you think? Seems all right.

-Uh, needs a little work.


-I think my Dad's really gonna like it.

-Oh, yeah. Just wait.

[airplane whooshing]

-What do you think he'll say about it now?

-Hmm, I don't know.


Dad, Dad, Dad. What do you think?

Do you wanna live here?


-He said that…

-I know what he said. I ain't blind.


Why don't you guys

take a look at the back yard?


It's got a beautiful tomato garden.

They're huge because of the jet fuel.

[exclaiming]
It looks like I win. List please.

You know what, Van,

I think this whole contest was ridiculous.


Just because you got lucky enough

to find a client who was deaf,


-doesn't mean that you're better than me.

-Wow.


I never thought I'd see the day

that Mrs. H is jealous of me.

I'm not jealous.

If you're not jealous, why are you acting

so crazy about this client list?

Because I'm scared.
Scared of what?

Van, when I brought you on board,

I thought I had to carry your weight.

But it turned out that you're great.

I actually started relying on you

and it scares me to lose you.

You know, you take the list.

-No.

-No, no. I want you to have it.

I'm young and vibrant, and you're…

-Take the list.

-No, you take it.


You got this new job,

and I want you to hit the ground running.


Then let's split it.

That way you'll only be half scared.

I'll take the other half.
And you know what? I'm scared, too.

Oh, Van, you don't have

to be scared. You can do it.


Well, if I can do it, it's 'cause

you taught me everything I know.

Oh!

-You're really something, Van.

-Yeah.

No, I mean it.

You know, there's something I've been

meaning to tell you for a long time,


but I thought I couldn't tell you

'cause I'd cry.

It's just that…
[airplane whooshing]
[imperceptible]

You will remember these words

for the rest of your life.

Well, all I can say is, right back at you.
I hope you remember this little talk.
Don't look at me.

Okay, Henry. Well, I've explained to you

how all the pieces move.


Now the other thing about chess is that

sometimes a game can take a long time.


-Are you okay with that?

-Okay.

Okay. Great. You wanna go first?

-Yeah.

-Go.

No, no, no, you don't, you don't…

-Hey, you win! Okay.

-Yay!


-Hey, honey. Where you been?

-I went for a drive.

Heard back from the station about my tape.
Oh!

Hey, buddy, here. Why don't you take

these guys upstairs and play army, okay?


-Hey, sweetie.

-[sighing] Oh.


Look, I know I haven't

exactly seemed supportive


about this thing, or phase,

that you're going through.

Brock, this is not a phase.
Speaking Klingon was a phase.

Pronouncing my name,

"Barbra Jean," that was a phase.

This is a dream that I have.

What, to stand in front of a camera

and dump water on yourself.

It's not gonna rain every day, Brock.
[exhales]
Why are you so threatened by this?

-I am not threatened.

-Yes, you are.

It's like, ever since I lost the weight,

you wanna keep me bottled up

here at the house.


-I'm just worried about you.

-What?


Honey, I'm trying to protect you. Come on.

That tape was a little over the top.

I mean, nobody's gonna take you seriously.
Oh!

Well, then, I guess I better go call them

and tell them that they made a mistake.


-What?

-Oh, I got the job.


-You got the job?

-Oh, shh.

This just in,

looks like you're gonna have to put

an extra blanket on the bed tonight.


-There's a cold front coming through.

-Oh, oh.

Wh… What? Oh!
And my buttrometer says it's gonna linger.
[closing theme music playing]