06x12 - The Housewarming

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music playing]
Oh, dang machine.

Hey, guys. I know you're over there

at your new house, in your new kitchen,


but I know how much

Van loves my pancakes. [chuckles]

Anyway, so if you guys are hungry,

come over and eat with me

'cause I made a whole batch

and there's not anybody here to eat them.

Anyway, Elizabeth, if you hear this,

honey, I miss you so much.

Grandma loves you. Yes, she does.
Come see me pretty please. [kisses]
Okay, bye.
Mom, they were here for dinner last night.
I know. Such a nice dinner.
[door opening]
Hey, empty nester.
Geez!

She still has two other kids

that live here.


Yeah, whatever you need

to tell yourself, kid.


So, Barbra Jean,

to what do I owe this intrusion?

Reba, I need some help.
Truer words were never spoken.
Wait a minute. Is this about the divorce?

Barbra Jean, I do not wanna be involved

with your divorce.


I just wanna come

to the after-party, that's it.

Well, I was involved in your divorce.
You kinda owe me.

And listen, all I need

is a little information, okay?


I need you to give me the name

of Brock's best friend.

Best friend, why?
Well, I need somebody he confides in.
I need to know what he's truly feeling,

deep inside

that unnaturally tanned skull of his.


Sorry, I can't help you on that.

Brock doesn't have a best friend.

Yes, he does.
Who?
[scoffing] Oh.

-No, no, no, no, Barbra Jean.

-Face it, Reba, face it.

Forget it, Barbra Jean. He's my ex.
He's not my best friend.

Well, obviously,

he's not your best friend. I am.

But you are his best friend,

which puts you smack-dab

in the middle of us,


which makes you

the perfect person to talk to him.


Pass. I already talked to him

about one divorce.

I have the framed certificate to prove it.
You talk to him.
I can't.

Things are in a really weird place

with us right now.


When we went on that date

to discuss the details of the divorce,

things got a little bit heated.
And then, they just got hot!
Yuck.
And we know we shouldn't have done it.

And we certainly shouldn't have done it

three times since.

I can't wait for old age when I go deaf.

Anyhoo. I think all of the…

[in sing-song voice] "bow chicka bow wow"

has really confused Brock.

Barbra Jean, are you sure

it's Brock that's confused, and not you?

Me? No, I'm fine, thank you very much.
I am strong.

And I have no problems

expressing my emotions.

You're forgetting, I have a blog.

It's BigBlondeBlog.com.

You should check it out.


-So, you'll talk to him?

-No.


-Maybe?

-No.


-Think about it?

-I will hurt you.


All I'm saying is,

that if you had come to me


when you and Brock were breaking up,

and you asked me to talk to him,


-I would have done it.

-You were sleeping with him!

Well, that's the perfect time.
I had his ear.
[theme song playing]

[Reba]
Ha, hey!


♪ My roots are planted in the past ♪


♪ Though my life is changing fast ♪


♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪


♪ A single mom who works too hard ♪


♪ Who loves her kids and never stops ♪


♪ With gentle hands ♪


♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪


♪ I'm a survivor ♪

Van, what are you doing?
I am standing proudly in my living room.
I thought we talked about that earlier,

when you were standing proudly

on the front lawn in your boxers.

It was a bathing suit.
The people next door have a pool,

and I want them to know

I have a bathing suit.

Isn't this a wonderful country, Cheyenne?

Where a man can work hard

and live his life right,


and he can go from sharing a room

in his mother-in-law's house

to owning a little piece of land,

technically owned by the bank,

but who cares?

Come stand with me, woman.
Van, I am so proud of us.
And I love our house. [chuckles]
[Reba] Van, Cheyenne?

Wow, your mother lives miles away,

but her voice carries.

Knock, knock, it's me.
Hey, look, Cheyenne, it's your mom.

[exclaims] Third day in a row

with a drop by, awesome.


Well, I have a lot more time

on my hands nowadays,


without you guys there at the house,

there's just less to do.

Yeah.

-Apparently, you two were the messy ones.

-[Cheyenne] Yeah.


Looks like things haven't changed.

I'll go get my broom.


I know that she stops by a lot,

but she's just here to help us.

Yeah, I know.

Do you want me to tell her

to not to come by so often?


-No, it's okay.

-No, because I will, Van. I will.


-No, no, it's okay. I'm fine with it.

-Well, I'm not! She's driving me crazy!

Thank God. Okay, how do we get rid of her?

I know, we'll talk to her

in a mocking tone, people hate that.

Okay, Van, that is not gonna work.

[mockingly]

"Okay, Van, that is not gonna work."

Knock it off, Van.
[mockingly] "Knock it off--"
Sorry I took so long.

Let's just say that your parsley, sage,

rosemary and thyme are in order.


[sputtering] Hey, um, so, Mom,

I wanted to talk to you about something.


-What's the matter?

-Oh.

It's just when you said that,

it reminded me how many talks

that we've had over at my house,


and now here we are,

having talks in your new house.


My little girl's not a baby anymore.

She's all grown up.


-I did good.

-Yeah.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.
I was over at Van and Cheyenne's.

I was just gonna pop in for a second,

but they would not let me leave.

They are so clingy.
Yeah, I read that on Barbra Jean's blog.

-Where you going?

-I have to go pick up Dad.


He's at Sam's Sports Bar.

I'm his designated driver.


You mean to tell me

that he's making you drive

all the way back and forth to pick him up?
Why didn't he just take a cab?

Did you know

that a cab costs cents a mile?

Dad does.

Besides, I think he just uses it

as an excuse to trap me in the car

and talk about Barbra Jean.

Honey, that is not

a father-daughter conversation.


That's something that he should talk about

with his best friend.

You're right.
Have a nice chat.
I am not his… Crap!
So, it's finally starting to sink in.
I'm getting divorced again.

You know, you get divorced the first time,

you think, "Hey, these things happen."


But then when it happens again,

you just, you have to ask yourself,

"What is wrong with these women?"

Oh. I wouldn't sit there, lady.

Two-time loser.

I know. I was number one.

-Hello, Brock.

-Hey, Reba.

What are you doing down here?

Well, I'm your designated driver's

designated driver.


And two, I don't feel good about Kyra

driving you home with you singing,


"All My Ex's Live in Texas,"

at the top of your lungs.

You know what, Reba,

I really don't need a lecture

from you right now.

I got a lot going on!

-Can I get you something to drink?

-No, I'm fine. Thank you.

[sighing] Man, it's all so weird.

I mean, Barbra Jean and I

have been all over the map.


You know, first we're crying,

and then we're fighting,


and then we can't keep our hands off

of each other.

Whiskey.
It's all so confusing.
Well, of course it is.

One minute you're okay with it,

and she's not.


And the next minute,

she's okay with it and you're not.

You guys got to get on the same page

with this divorce

or it's never gonna work.

I'm sorry, what can I do, Reba?
I can't change what happened.
In fact, I'm not sure that I'd want to.

I mean, Barbra Jean and I

were like wild animals.


-Repeatedly.

-Hit me again.

It was like a National Geographic special.
Leave the bottle.

Hey, you know what,

Barbra Jean's on right now.


So, um, how does the rest

of the weekend weather look like?


We're looking at clear blue skies,

possibly through the weekend.


That's what I wanted to hear.


Taking the wife up to the cabin.


-Keep those romantic fires burning.

-Oh.
[chuckles]


That's lovely.


It's always nice to hear of a couple

that's making it work.


-[Tim]
Well, we are.

-Of course. We know, Tim.


-And, uh, next…

-You know, you never know


when there could be a storm coming.


-You got to be careful.

-[chuckles]


Well, that's okay, too.


We could always cuddle by the fire,


or lay down

and listen to the rain outside.


Yeah, but, you know,

sometimes the storm's on the inside,


you know, and it's just,

kind of, you know,


in there screaming at you,

you know, "Look out," you know.


-Well…

-Your life's falling apart.


Right. I'll be sure to bring a sweater.


Maybe you should just ask your wife

if she wants to go to your cabin.


Maybe there's

something else she'd rather do,


but you don't even ask her

because you don't think


that her life is as important as yours!


-Did my wife talk to you?

-Shut up, Tim.


I'm not talking about your stupid wife!


I'm talking about my stupid husband.


He wants a divorce,

and I don't know if I do.


It's so hot in here.

She looks like I need a drink.

[Brock] Watching my wife unravel

in front of all those people

has made me realize something.
I still have a chance.
Brock, do you mean to tell me

that you're happy Barbra Jean

just had a meltdown on TV?

No, I'm not happy she's suffering, Reba.
I'm happy she's suffering because of me.
You really are a piece of porpoise poop.

No, don't you see,

she knows that I watch her weather report.

She was sending me a message.

-Why didn't she just call you?

-Well, she had a show to do.

She's a professional.
I still have hope, Reba.
There is time to save this marriage.

-Here you go.

-Hey, Brock.

I hope it works out, I really do.
Thanks, Reba.

Do you think I have time to stop

and grab a quick tan…

No, what am I saying, there's no time.

-Can I get you anything else?

-No thanks. I'm fine.

Hey, Kyra, can you come get your momma?

Van, it's freezing in here.

Is the thermostat even on?


No, no, no, no, don't touch that.

Don't touch that.


The inspector said he needs

to fix the heater before we use it.

Well, Van.
How am I supposed to keep warm?

Well, we can make our own heat

like the pioneers and astronauts did.

Oh. [chuckling]

-I like the way you think.

-Yeah.


-Knock, knock.

-[both] Oh!

You will not believe what just happened.
I was at this bar with your dad,

and we were watching

Barbra Jean give her weather report.

And she had a meltdown on the air.
Don't worry, she's okay,

but I just know that she's gonna wanna

come over to the house

and tell me all about it.

You know how she gets,

she just talks and talks, and talks,

on and on and on!

-Gee, what's that like?

-Oh, it's horrible, I can tell you that.


Anyway, I just wanted to know

if I could come over here and hide out?


-[chuckling] Oh, look who I'm talking to.

-Uh…


Of course I can come over here

and hide out, absolutely.

Well, actually Mom, Van and I,
we were just in the middle of unpacking.
Oh, that's perfect. I can help.
And I've got the perfect unpacking story.

It was when your father and I

bought our first house.


Look, Mrs. H,

you have been so generous to me,

and I owe you so, so much,

which is why I'm gonna have Cheyenne

say this hurtful thing to you. Cheyenne.

What are you talking about?
Well, look, Mom, it's just that

you've kinda,

you know, been over at the house a lot,

a lot, a lot, like more than me.
Van, do you agree with that?

Well, I think there was a nicer way

of saying it. But yes, I do.


Look, look, look, Mrs. H,

I just think that, you know,


you didn't realize

how annoying it was getting.


I mean, just like Barbra Jean

doesn't realize how annoying it is

when she does it to you.

You know, it's funny

if you think about it.

You're our Barbra Jean.

-What did you just call me?

-What?

Mom, it's not your fault.

I mean, maybe you've just

hung out with her so much

that she just, like, rubbed off on you.
Well, you could not be more wrong.
And I'm gonna prove it to you.

I'm gonna do something

that Barbra Jean would never do.

I'm gonna leave and never come back.
And you're gonna miss me when I'm gone!

After all I've done

for those two dopey kids.


They have the nerve, the downright nerve

to say I'm their Barbra Jean.

[laughs sarcastically]

Well, was I their Barbra Jean

when I let them live here,

six years, rent free?
Was I? Was I, Jake?
No. No, you weren't.

And the worst part is when they said

that my stories go on and on, so long.


I mean, do I go on and on

about stuff, Jake?

I mean, do I? I don't think so.
Hey, you know what I just remembered,

I've got to go decide

what I wanna be when I grow up.


Just remember this, Jake,

one of these days,

you're gonna miss me when I'm gone!
Who are you yelling at?

It doesn't matter who I'm yelling at.

I just feel like yelling!

And since you're in the room, guess what?
I don't have time for that right now.
Listen, about this Barbra Jean thing.
[exclaims] So you heard about it too, huh?

Well, get this through your thick skull,

I am not their Barbra Jean.

What are you talking about?

Apparently something totally different

than what you're talking about.


Yeah, well, anyway,

I went down to the station,


but Barbra Jean had already left,

in tears.


And apparently,

the phones were ringing off the hook.

I think she may lose her job over this.
Are you smiling?

-No.

-Yes, you are!


-No, no.

-Brock, what's the matter with you?


I can't help thinking

that she may need me again.


I mean, this might be the very thing

that brings us back together.


-Do you think that's possible?

-How would I know?

I am nothing like her!
Yeah, I know.

-You do?

-Yeah, of course. You're nothing like her.


In fact, you are exactly

the opposite of Barbra Jean.


Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe I was yelling at you,

when you're my only true friend.
Reba. Oh, hey, Brock.
Barbra Jean, I don't know what to say.

I just want you to know

that I am here for you.


Forget about those people.

That's their loss.

Whose loss? What are you talking about?
Barbra Jean, we saw the broadcast.
Yeah, and then I went down to the station.

I guess there was quite a reaction

from the viewers.

I know.

Did you hear that half of them think

I should be thrown off the air?


-I'm sorry.

-And the other half loved me!


-Come again?

-Yeah.


I'm controversial,

and controversial is big right now.


My clip has already been posted

on YouTube under Bimbo Bloopers.


Does that mean you're not gonna

be fired from the station?

Are you kidding? I'm hot.
I got a call from a real talent agent.
I'm his first two legged client.

-Well, that's great then, right?

-Oh, it is better than great.

Oh, thank you, Brock. [exclaims]
Oh, you're welcome, honey.

You know,

if you hadn't made my life so painful,


and confusing, and just tumultuous,

this never would've happened.


This divorce is the best thing

that has ever happened to me!

Well, glad I could help.
[dance music playing on cell phone]
Babs here.
Yeah, yeah, how many hits have I gotten?

Well, I don't care

if they're all from inmates.

I'm sorry, Brock.
No, no, that's okay.

I guess I finally ended up

supporting her career.

But before the weather,

how was that weekend

with your wife up at the cabin?

[chuckles] I don't wanna talk about it.
Oh, come on now.

We have a little extra time.

You can share.


-Nope.

-How was the weather?

Cold, very, very cold.
Great. And now the weather.

First of all, I would just like to say

hello to all my new viewers.


And for those of you who missed

Friday's report but heard about it,


I just wanna say that I'm real sorry

that you missed it,

and I am doing much better.
You know…

I mean, you know,

as good as a person can be doing,

you know, when her life is crumbling.

-[clears throat]

-Tighter shot please, Dennis. Over here.


And I would just like

to say that to anyone out there


who is dealing with personal pain,

that, you know,


even though the storm clouds,

they may gather,


you know, there's always

a silver lining soaked in tears.

[crying]
[sobbing]
[wailing]
[closing theme music playing]