01x04 - Sick in the Head

[bunniefuu]

God, aren't there any men
on this campus?

What about lloyd?

No. I don't like
guys like that.

Superhot english guys?

Pretty-boys.
They're so boring!

I want to meet somebody
with personality
and some depth.

Oh, you mean like an ugly guy.

Shut up!
You're so shallow.

What? I had sex
with steven.

Yeah, that's true.

Uh, mr. Karp.

Can I have a word
with you, please?

I have a note
for you to report to
the bursar's office.

Bursar's office?

They're the ones
that handle tuition.

What do they want with me?

Gee, I don't know.

Ok. Uh...Thank you
very much.

I will go right after class.

No. You have
to go now.

No, it's, like,
a mistake. I...

mr. Karp, you have
to have a ticket

for this show.

But I...

now, class,

I have something...

Phenomenal for you
to observe today.

These 2 bottles are filled

with a highly
combustible fluid.

Ooh!
Whoo!

My naked weapon is out;

Quarrel, I will back thee!

How? Turn thy back
and run?

Fear me not.

Let us take the law
of our sides;
Let them begin.

Scene.
Scene.

Good. I think
it's good.

I think it's great.

Hey, who's that guy with lloyd?

I've never seen him before.

I gotta go
to feminine studies. Ok?

All right. We should
practice this again
before monday.

Ok, definitely.
Over the weekend.

Hi.

Hi. H-how are you?

Great.

Well...

That's just wonderful,
is what that is.

Hey.

Hey.
Hey.

What's goin' on?

So, who's that guy?

Who, jimmy?
He's just a guy
in my acting class.

Oh. So,
what's his story?

Ha ha.
You and jimmy?

Yeah?

Yeah. That's not
gonna work.

Why? 'Cause he's not
some blond british guy?

Shall I arrange a liaison?

Yeah. I'd like
to meet him.

Ok.

You could have told me
that you weren't
paying for school

before I got kicked out.

Whoa. Slow down.

I was making an agreement
for a payment plan
with the school,

but I haven't been able
to get the guy on the phone.

Payment plan?
I thought you guys

put money aside for college.

Well...

There was some money,
but, you know,

since I got laid off,

I mean, I...
I kinda ran through
the savings account.

I never would have
even lost my job

if it wasn't
for all the stress from
the divorce lawyers.

Man, those guys are sharks.

And yet, you can afford tivo.

I mean, you know,
to hell with me
gettin' an education,

as long as you can tape
ally mcbeal 3 times a week.

A year of tivo

would cover about


Steven, it's your mother
that's over there
in, uh...

In swinging prague
squandering
the family rubles.

But you are looking
for a job.

Yes, I'm looking for a job.

But I'm looking
for the right job.
Ok?

The right job?

Dad...

I'm getting kicked out
of college.

Relax. You're gonna
go to college.

But you know, you're
gonna have to get some
sort of a job, too.

What...

w-why do I have
to get a job?

Welcome to the real world.

There it is.

Thank you.

Don't worry about it.

Enjoy it...But you
owe me a favor.

That's great. Brando.

I think I swallowed a fly.

Aach.

Nice. Listen,
my friend rachel

that you met
in the rec room
today...

The... the blonde?

Yeah, the blonde.
Said you were
proper tidy.

Hoo-ahh!

Brother...

You gotta hook me up!

Yeah. That's, uh,
pacino, right?

Yeah! Totally.

That's great.
Thanks.

So, shall I tell her
you're interested?

Yes.

Please, would you
hook it up

so mini-me and I
can go out on a date?

Ok, mini-me,
stand to attention.

To the left.
To the right.

Rachel's gonna love you.

Tucka-tucka-tucka-
tucka-tucka-tucka.

Yeah.

Rice pudding.

Hey, try me.
I'm delicious!

Rice pudding?
That's pudding
with rice in it?

Try some.

Here comes the rice pudding!

Vrroom!

Hey, ok.
Let me...

open the hangar.
Open the hangar.

Vrrroomm!

Mmm...Yeah.

Wow.

As long as I'm working
at this cafeteria,

we are the kings of free chow.

It's mine.
It's mine now.

Mmm.

This is the life, man.

Mmm...

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. This
is the life.

Tell you what.
Free or not,

I can't eat another bite.

Hey, dude.
What's up?

Well, I have to find a job,

or else you guys'll be
lookin' for a new roommate.

My dad forgot to pay
my tuition.

Ok, I got it.

I saw this in a film.

Ok, you are a student by day

and an illustrious
man prost*tute by night.

Hey, dude!

I could totally hook you up

with a job at
the cafeteria,
man!

Huh? Boss totally
loves me, dude.

Uh, no, thanks.
I think I'll pass.

I'd rather be
a man wh*re
than work there.

No offense.

No, no, it's cool.

Mmm, is that jell-o?
Can I have
some of that?

No, you can't.

Thank you.

I thought he was
just fattening me up

to eat me or something.
Ridiculous.

Hey, how's it goin', man?

Hey, uh...

I need to find a job.

What's your name?

Steven. Remember?
Steven...

Steven. Believin'...

The story that I'm weavin'.

Without the skills
to pay the bills,

even steven, he be thievin'.

Well, all the campus work
is gone after the first week.

Have you considered
off-campus work?
Like what?

I donate blood
twice a week under


I have a friend
who does medical
experiments.

Medical experiments?

Oh, man, the pay is sweet
if you don't mind like,
you know, bloody nose,

low-level flu.

Yeah. Um...
I thought I saw an ad

for the job at
the art supplies store?

That job doesn't exist.

For some reason,
hot girls like art,

so I just put that
in there to get numbers.

My palm pilot is bursting.

Anything.
Is there anything?

Um, well, ok, let me check.

That is my job.

You are desperate, right?

Yeah.

There's one job left.

It's the worst job on campus.

You are not gonna
come here to joke
around.

Have you had a job before?

I had a little
paper route once.
It was kinda...

this is not a paper route.

In a paper route,
keep throwing
things around.

There is no throwing
things around here.

Right.

Marshall recommended
you highly,

and he's
my number-one man.

If you can be like him,

you will win my heart.

I like you.
Thank you.

But...I could hate you.
I could be very vicious.

Yeah.

And very important.

This is very important now.

No speaking to the customer.

No, s... no, sir.

You are not their friend today.

Right.

Welcome.

Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Welcome.

Welcome, my brother,
to the best job
on campus.

Check this out.

Ahh! See that?

Opens up the pores, you know?

People pay for this,

and we get it for free.
Know what I'm sayin'?

Whoo!

Thanks.

Not only do we
get, like, paid
really well,

we also get to,
like, kinda eat
for free.

Really? We get, like,
free samples or...

dude, someone else ate that!

Oh!

The trick...

Is to take a bite
off the uneaten end.
You know?

Sometimes you...
you forget which end,

so I just take one bite.

Some people eat
the whole thing.

I'm not that gross.
You know what I mean?

I'm re... I'm really
glad you... you came
over, rachel.

Yeah. It's cool.

Yeah.

I think...I think
you're really
attractive,

but you're not like

all the other really
attractive girls
on campus.

Uh...I think...
I think you're...

I think you're unique.

I think you're unique, too.

I guess we're, like...



What is that?

Christopher walken.
I mean, come on!

You know,
pulp fiction:

"This watch,
little man..."

Oh.

I do impersonations

and characters.

Oh. Well, that's neat.

It's kinda like
a dream of mine.

Why do blond girls

taste different
than all other girls?

Sean...Connery?

Chicago way.
They put one of yours
in the hospital,

you put one of theirs
on the morgu...

♪ keep on workin' ♪

♪ long as my 2 hands
are fit to use... ♪

so, look at you, all working!

What are you doing?!
Aah!

This is insanity!

Ahh...

♪ I've drunk a little beer
in a tavern ♪

♪ I've cried a little bit
of these workingman blues ♪

come on now, steven.
Time to lean,
time to clean.

So...How are things
with jimmy?

Oh...Great.

How're those voices
treating you?

Ha ha ha!

They're called impersonations.

Impersonations.
Yeah. You like them?

He's very talented.
He can do dr. Evil.

Oh h*. Dr. Evil. Wow.

Yeah, 'cause that's hard.

Yeah. Ok, I'll
just say it, you know?

Impersonations are not cool.

Ok? Watch.

Do or do not.
There is no try.

That was...
that was my yoda,

and now I'm humiliated,

all because
impersonations are bad.

That's the message.
I took a hit.

Hoo-ahh! Rachel, it's al!

I'm wonderin'
where you are!
Hoo-ahh!

He's taken up
the entire machine.

Lizzie, I can't
stand these voices.

They give me the creeps.

Look, don't tell lloyd,
but...I gotta break up
with this guy.

Rachel, this is
scooby-doo.

Where are you?
Rr-I'm scared.

What the hell are you doing?

Have you lost
your entire brain?
You're stealing!

No! No, no,
I'm not stealing.

It's just a pie
you were gonna
throw out anyways.

Until it's thrown out,
it's not thrown out,

and therefore it's stealing!

Don't make me yell.
I'd lose my voice.

How much do you
want me to yell at you?

I don't want to yell!
But I'll yell.

I know!

Y-y-you don't have
to yell at me.

I can't believe
you good-for-nothing
college kids,

working for the beer money,

have to come in here
and steal my cake.

I... I... I'm not
good-for-nothing,

and I'll give you back
the cake. Here.

Here's your cake.

I can't take
that cake.
Here!

I can't sell my customer cake

that has been
in a boy's knapsack!

Are you wanting to be fired?

You know what?
Don't even worry
about that.

Don't worry
about yelling at me
or firing me,

'cause... 'cause I quit.
I'm sorry. I quit.

Are you not sorry
for what you have
done to my cake?

No.

Wow. Awesome.

Yeah, uh...

I'm really glad
you got a new job,

'cause I just quit mine.

Thank you so much.
Ok, see ya. Bye.

Guys, I got, like,
the best news.

My dad, like, got a job
and wants to treat us
all to dinner.

All right, hal!

What job is it?

Oh, he didn't say.
He wants to tell me
at dinner.

Off-campus dining.
I am...Definitely
in.

What, you don't like
my cooking now?

I'm not saying that, man.

You're touchy, you know?

You're just...
you're touchy.

Man, this is, like,

a pretty fancy restaurant.

Swanky place.

Looks like my dad's
rollin' again.

I bet they have
crushed ice
in the urinals.

Doesn't get
any fancier than that.

What do they make, like,
urine snow cones
or something?

That's gross, guys!
I'm joking.

So, uh, what do you
think, lizzie?

Very impressive.

Hello.

My name is hal.
I'll be your
server tonight.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Oh, great!

You got here just in time.
Perfect timing.

Actually, jimmy,
I really need to talk
to you about something.

We can talk later.
Mike myers' biography's
on. Ok?

Oh, that's great, but look...

have you seen
so I married
an axe m*rder*r?

Oh, my god, it's
perfect. It's perfect.
So underrated.

He does an amazing
scotsman!

Yeah, I'm sure
he does, but...
zip it.

I have some...
shh.

Look, I really have...

Once upon a time,

there was a little
girl named zip it.

Look, I really need to talk...

instant replay slo-mo:

Ziiiip iiiiiit.

Jimmy, come on.
Shh! Shh!

Can we just have
a little zip it?

How 'bout a little
c*ck, alcohol,

somethin' to drink, maybe?

I'll take a jack daniel's.

I.D., please!

You guys are havin'
chocolate milk, ok?

Shirley temples
all around! Ha ha ha!

He's usually in sales,
you know, my dad.

Actually, the last job he had,

he was, like,
the number-one guy

for 5 months in a row
or something.

It was pretty cool.
Very powerful.

Your dad's sweet.

Oh, man, I gotta
go wash my hands
before I eat.

Sorry. Just a second.

The young mike myers

used to put on puppet shows
for his siblings,

acting out
all the voices himself.

I guess you've
seen this before.

Mike went on
to grow into a young man...

Yeah. It's inspiring.

His father eric

was an encyclopedia salesman.

Could we have
some bread, please?

Guess you folks
aren't on the zone
diet, huh?

Just kidding!

Hey.

Oh, hey.

You disappeared.
Are you all right?

Yeah. I... yeah.

I think I'm just gonna
go back to the dorm.

Hot plate
comin' through!

There you go, folks.

That soup's ok, huh?

You didn't find
a glass eye in there,

did you? No?

Ok.

It's just, like...

I feel like this divorce
is ruining everything.

I mean, look at him.

What is he...
what is he doin'?

My dad's not a waiter.
What...

my dad yells at waiters.
He... he sends food back.

Things change. I mean...

Everybody doesn't
always get the job
that they want.

And look at him.
He looks like
he's havin' fun.

Uh, what...
what do you
recommend?

Oh, tech stocks, mutual finds.

Just stay away from
that dot-com stuff, huh?

He's just tryin'
to take care of you.

You want to go eat?

Yeah.

Ok. Come on.

Um...

All right, mama...

Show's over.

Time to give papa
some affection.

Would you just stop
doing those stupid voices?

I really need to talk...
You don't like the voices?

They don't amuse you?
You don't think it's funny?

What you talkin' about,
you broad...

stop it! Stop it!
I don't like it!

Really?

Yes.

I want to be on snl,

like... like mike myers
and... and belushi.

I've gotta keep
practicing all the time.

Why would you even want
to be on that show?

I mean, it hasn't been funny
in, like, forever.

Oh, my... have...
have you seen
will ferrell's bush?

Have you seen
ferrell's bush? No.

Whatever!
It's just weird.

I can't take it anymore.

And, what, you get
to decide that,
right, rachel?

'Cause you're so cool.

You get to decide what's cool
and what's not cool. Right?

Jimmy, come on.
You're... you're gonna
break up with me

because... because...

'cause I have dreams.
You're so shallow.

No! I'm...
I'm not shallow.

Heigh-h*.
Kermit the frog here,

and today's letter
is "s" for shallow!

Shallow, shallow,

shallow!
Shut up.

Shut up.
I am not shallow.

I'm not breaking up
with you because
you do voices.

I mean, I think it's great

that you want to be the next...

you know, whoever
the next greatest
impressionist is.

So then what's
goin' on here, rachel?

I didn't know
how to tell you this,

but I have a boyfriend.

Yeah.

You have a boyfriend?

Yeah.

And...You know, I...

I felt like a big cheater,

and I... I thought
that it'd be easier
to break up with you

if I... I told you
it was about
the impressions.

So you don't think doing...
Impressions is weird?

No!

Of course not.

Well...Can we...
we be friends?

Yeah.

Just like harvey...

The white rabbit.

That was great, hal.

Now it's back
to rice pudding
hell.

That's fine.
It's more for me. Ok?

Bye, hal.

Thank you, hal.
Come by and see us
again soon.

Dad, thanks for dinner.

Hey. Sorry about the,
uh, surprise element.

Hey, don't worry about it.

No. It's, like,
awesome here.

I kinda like it here, you know?

It beats the hell
out of selling
swedish cars.

There's just...
Less stress.
You know?

Dad, I'm... I'm glad
to hear that.

Listen. Um...

Why don't you go buy yourself

a little, uh,
english lit class
with this, all right?

Oh, my god, dad.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

We're gonna be all right.

No, I know. I know.

Um, thank you very much.

Ok.

Hey, rachel. It's jimmy.

I've been working
on a pirate character.

Listen to this.

Ahoy, matey!

I've got no leg.

Har har har har!

How about...
I don't know.

Just call me.

Is that jimmy?

Yeah.

He's doing a pirate
character now.

How charming.

Oh, shut up.

I'm so sorry
it didn't work out
between you two.

I tried to warn you.

Well, next time, try harder.

You know what?
I've got another friend.

Much better for you.
He's a ventriloquist.

He's got this old-time
dummy. It's fantastic.

Thank you so much
for taking me back,
'cause...

'cause I want to be
your best worker.

Don't even try.

Marshall is my best worker.

But you can try
to be better than marshall.

Oh, yeah, and I promise
that I... I won't steal
anything, or...

I won't be taking stuff.

If you do, I'll be on you
like a large hawk.

Just work hard.

Hey, welcome back, man.

Hey, dude, check this out.

Oh, uh, yeah, dude,
I wouldn't do that
if I were you.

Why? You're the one who
showed me how to do it.

Yeah. Yeah, but, um...

I'm pretty sure that's...
that's how I got this rash...

Here.

See? And if you
think that's bad,

you should see my back.

Show me chris walken.

I can't wait...

Till I see that...

Sweet little thing.

You just got a million...

Hoo-ahh!

Set me up
with that chicky mama!

Hoo-ahh!

Hoo-ahh, hoo-ahh,
hoo-ahh.

Hoo-ahh, hoo-ahh,
hoo-ahh!

What makes you think
I won't cut you,
chica? Oh, yeah!

Ruh-roh, raggy.
I can't wait.

Scooby-dooby-doo.
Aroo-oo-oo!

All right, shut up.
Mini-me,
are you awake?

Wake... wake up.
Wake up.

You sure you don't want
to stick around?
No. No.